Article 6043 of alt.tv.tiny-toon: Path: ut-emx!cs.utexas.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!agate!ames!data.nas.nasa.gov!mustang.mst6.lanl.gov!ucsbcsl!mcl!uc-chan From: uc-chan@mcl.ucsb.edu (Christina Callihan) Newsgroups: alt.tv.tiny-toon Subject: my netless buddy's Strange Tale.... Keywords: tiny toon fan fiction Message-ID: Date: 12 Jun 92 03:17:16 GMT Sender: root@ucsbcsl.ucsb.edu Lines: 1247 Well, here it is, the TTA story I promised you in a day or two--a week ago. :) It was written by my buddy/pseudo-brother Andrew Tuttle. I know he's anxious for feedback, so feel free to send me comments to forward! Enjoy! ============================================================================ * * * * * The Uncanny Yuks-men: A Tiny Toons Adventure * * * * * written by the Unfathomable Dr. Drew EXT ACME ACRES - DAY BABS is catching some rays on a balmy spring afternoon. A sudden gust of wind covers BABS with a mound of snow. BABS Eeeeeeeeeyow! BABS leaps straight up out of the snow. BUSTER slides into the scene on a ramp of ice made with his Acme Patent Ice Gun. BUSTER Face front, toonsters! Get ready for action in a Mightily Marvelous Manner! It's Superh.... BABS drops from the sky onto BUSTER, smashing the ice ramp. BUSTER rises from the snow drift, stars circling his head. BABS rises up behind him with a very large snowball. BUSTER Uh ... oooooooo ... let's just ... roll the film wooooo ... BABS wallops him with the snowball. EXT PROF. YAXAVIER'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED TOONS - DAY INT DANGER ROOM PLUCKY is leaping about zapping robots with his Optic Blaster (a large gold swimming mask with knobs on the sides). SHIRLEY focuses her telekinetic powers on a robot but before she can do much else, PLUCKY zaps it. This happens several times. PLUCKY Zap! Zap! Pow! Wazoom! Zap, Zing, Zing, Zing, Zappowwie! SHIRLEY (Mad) Plucky! Do you, like, HAVE to make so much, like, NOISE! PLUCKY Ahh, come on, Shirl! LIGHTen up. PLUCKY ricochets an Optic Blast in a tricky three-wall carom around SHIRLEY to destroy the last robot. PLUCKY It's a comic book thing! Zap! Pow! Biff! Bam! As PLUCKY speaks, huge 'sound effects' appear in the air and slowly drift down, draping over SHIRLEY. A robot wielding a pushbroom crosses the scene, sweeping the 'sound effects' away. SHIRLEY glares at PLUCKY. BUSTER enters, via ice ramp. BUSTER Greetings fellow Yuksmen! PLUCKY Ah, behold, Loon Lass! A chill blast of SUPER-cooled air heralds the arrival of our comrade in arms, the Invincible Snow Bunny! BUSTER That's the Invincible ICE Rabbit, 'Bugeye'. PLUCKY 'Bugeye'! 'Bugeye', is it? I'll have you know, slush-for-brains, that my incredible mutant eye beams ... PLUCKY continues to babble about mutant powers while ... SHIRLEY Oh wow, there they, like, go again. Indulging in the, like, friendly insulting banter that, like, bonds us together in the, like, almost family-like team that we are, or some junk. PLUCKY ... and further more ... SHIRLEY But, with my, like, Incredible Mutant Psychic Empathy Powers, I can't help but sense, like, a deeper unresolved rivalry between, like, Ice Rabbit and Opti-Duck, our, like, leader, upon whom I, Loon Lass, have a, like, unrequited crush, or some junk. PLUCKY taps SHIRLEY on the shoulder. PLUCKY Do you mind!? We are trying to have a discussion here! BUSTER Easy Plucky! Shirley is just performing the invaluable service of informing our audience of the complex inter-personal relationships which make our adventures such a valid and substantial form of literature. PLUCKY Riiiiiiiiiight. A whirring noise, a grinding crash and DIZZY spins in through a wall. DIZZY Me here! Me here! Party-time may now begin! Waaaahoooooooooo! DIZZY hops about, playing 'Werewolves of London' on air-guitar. BUSTER At last! It's Dizzy! The Death Defying Dervish! The fourth member of the Yuksmen! Now we can begin another intensive training session to hone our powers and our team-work to the peak of perfection! PLUCKY Ha! Some team! We've got Dizzy the Ding-Bat over here, whose greatest power is the ability to eat anything ... DIZZY Oooooooooo! Broken Robot! Yummmy! PLUCKY ... Shirley, with her incredible bore-people-to-tears power ... SHIRLEY Oh! Scorned by the man I, like, secretly love! Or some junk. PLUCKY ... and you! The Unserviceable Snow Bunny! Ha! BUSTER spins his ice gun on his finger and juggles the gun from hand to hand. BUSTER I don't know about you, Duck, but I've always thought that ice powers were pretty ... ZAP! BUSTER fires behind his back at PLUCKY. PLUCKY is now encased in a sphere of ice. BUSTER blows across the barrel of his ice gun. His breath freezes, snaps off and falls. BUSTER ... cool. SHIRLEY Oh no! The man I, like, secretly love is in, like, mortal peril! Everything is, like, spinning! Going ... black ... or some junk ... urrrgh! Gleeeeargh! SHIRLEY faints. DIZZY whirls over to SHIRLEY. DIZZY Gee, Shirley, you OK? You don't look so hot. Suddenly a fiery nimbus surrounds SHIRLEY. She leaps upward in a burst of flame. DIZZY's fur 'poofs' away in a cloud of ash. PLUCKY's ice sphere collapses into a steaming puddle. DIZZY Uh ... me go get spare suit. Be right back. DIZZY lopes off, leaving a trail of soot. SHIRLEY floats in a towering loon-shaped column of flame. SHIRLEY (fiendishly) Ah ha ha! Ah hahaha! Like, Ah hahahahah! PLUCKY >yipe!< PLUCKY scrambles over to BUSTER. PLUCKY Snow Bun... uh Ice Rabbit! You fool! Don't you know that in times of emotional stress Loon Lass's evil side emerges and she becomes >gasp< (aside) pause three beats ... Dark Loon! SHIRLEY Die puny mortals! SHIRLEY unleashes a blast of fire. BUSTER counters with an ice shield. BUSTER So, what do think of my ice gun now? PLUCKY Yeah, well ... so far so good. But I predict her pyrokinetic powers are going to outperform your precious pop gun! BUSTER Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pluckster! The ice shield begins to hiss and melt. BUSTER grits his teeth, sets his ice gun to 'Arctic Circle', assumes a proper firing stance, and fires! Ice and fire meet with a hiss of steam. The two beams assume the forms of pro wrestlers. Fire wins. They become two arms, arm wrestling. Fire wins. Ice scratches a tic-tac-toe grid on the wall and draws a circle in the center. Fire wipes the wall clean and forces the ice back into the gun. The fire draws back and becomes an enormous fist. ICE GUN Enough already! >pant, pant, wheeze!< I'm just a PROP for crying out loud! The barrel of the ice gun collapses, exhausted, it's tongue lolling out. PLUCKY This is getting us nowhere! I've got to try and communicate with her! To reach the inner Shirley! The good Shirley! The trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous , kind ... SHIRLEY throws a fireball at PLUCKY. PLUCKY dodges. PLUCKY Yipes! The hopefully non-lethal Shirley! BUSTER Go for it, Plucky! And remember, I'm right behind you! (aside) Waaaaay behind you! BUSTER zips over to the far corner of the room. PLUCKY Thanks for the vote of confidence! SHIRLEY throws another fireball at PLUCKY. PLUCKY dodges. PLUCKY Wooo! Shirley! Shirley, it's me, Plucky! Remember me? SHIRLEY (Growls) Plucky ... PLUCKY Remember? We grew up together! Remember those happy, carefree days! SHIRLEY's eyes go blank. She remembers ... FLASHBACK BABY SHIRLEY and BABY PLUCKY sitting together in a sandbox. BABY PLUCKY throws a handful of sand into the air and laughs. BABY SHIRLEY throws a handful of sand into the air and laughs. BABY PLUCKY dumps an entire bucketful of sand over BABY SHIRLEY. The flashback vanishes in a puff of smoke. SHIRLEY forms a huge fireball. PLUCKY No! Wait! Wait! Uh ... school! Yeah! Remember our school days? We were young, and in love ... SHIRLEY's eyes again go blank. She remembers ... FLASHBACK SHIRLEY and PLUCKY walking hand in hand ... PLUCKY flirting with every girl who walked by ... The flashback vanishes in a puff of smoke. SHIRLEY forms an even larger fireball. PLUCKY Wait! Wait! Stop!!!! I'm sorry about the sand! I'm sorry about the other girls! SHIRLEY growls and winds up to pitch the fireball. PLUCKY And I'm sorry about the 'bore-people-to-tears' crack! OK!?!?! SHIRLEY's fire vanishes. She floats down to the floor. SHIRLEY OK. PLUCKY Sheesh! DIZZY whirls in. DIZZY Me back! Me miss anything? BUSTER Nah ... just the usual stuff. DIZZY No roast duck? PLUCKY (scornfully) No, Dizzy, no roast duck. DIZZY Good! Dizzy like roast duck! Roast duck yummy! No want to miss roast duck! SHIRLEY Oh no! Like, My Incredible Mutant Psychic Precognition Powers are telling me that, like, a Supervillain is about to appear in a totally blinding flash of light, or some junk. HAMTON(O.S.) Oh great! Just great! A door bursts open and HAMTON stalks in wearing a silver helmet and a white cape. HAMTON I'll have you know I've been planning that entrance for quite some time, Loon Lass! SHIRLEY Oh, like, excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me for doing my, like, job! BUSTER Maybe you'd like to step out and try it again, Hamton? HAMTON Nope! It's no good now, the moment has passed! Flash of light ... echoing laughter 'Ha ha ha ha ha! I have you now!' All shot to ... to heck! PLUCKY Wait a minute! Wait a ding-dong minute here! Are you trying to tell me that YOU'RE a SUPERvillain!? HAMTON My card. PLUCKY What's this ... 'Pig-Neat-o, Supervillain'? HAMTON Available for parties and bar mitzvahs. Although I don't get invited to many bar mitzvahs ... PLUCKY Oh this is rich! This is tooooo too much! And what, pray tell, are your Supervillainous powers, hmmmmmmmm? HAMTON That's for me to know and you to find out. Nyaa nyaa nyaa! PLUCKY Well! As a true SUPERhero I can not let this challenge pass! Prepare for some Industrial Strength Light and Pyrotechnic Magic! (aside) I hope you all caught that. PLUCKY adjusts the dials on his Optic Blaster. HAMTON raises his cape in a dramatic pose, looking confident. They circle left two steps ... they circle right ... PLUCKY fires a devastating Optic Blast! BUSTER, SHIRLEY, DIZZY Oooooooooooooooooooooo! HAMTON stares unflinching at the oncoming light beam. The beam becomes a charging bull. HAMTON remains calm. The beam becomes a steam roller. HAMTON yawns. The beam becomes and express train. HAMTON dips his head and reflects the beam off of his chrome helmet and into PLUCKY. BUSTER, SHIRLEY, DIZZY Oooooooooooooooooooooo! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (light applause) PLUCKY wobbles around, large 'light bursts' going off around his head. PLUCKY Did anyone get the number of that special effect! PLUCKY falls on his face at SHIRLEY's feet. SHIRLEY Oh wow, like, mondo negative vibes, Pig-Neat-o! Like, my Totally Psychic Telekinetic Powers will, like, put a stop to your reign of terror! SHIRLEY concentrates. Waves of force emanate from her forehead. They take the form of two huge arms which grab HAMTON. HAMTON squirts out of their grasp like a watermelon seed. The arms try again. HAMTON slips away. The arms thrash about wildly trying to get a grip on HAMTON who slips away each time. Finally, the arms collapse to the floor tied in a huge bow. HAMTON (Villainously) Ha ha ha! You can't stop me that way, Loon Lass! I'm protected by ... SHIRLEY Like, a totally Psychic Shield? BUSTER A wall of Cosmic Force? DIZZY Strict Copyright Enforcement? BUSTER Careful there, Diz! Remember, this is a fan story written by a non-professional writer strictly for fun! DIZZY Sorrrrry! HAMTON As I was saying ... I'm protected by (aside) pause three beats ... a special non-stick coating! HAMTON proudly displays a large frying pan. PLUCKY leaps up off the floor. PLUCKY 'A special non-stick coating'?!?!?!? What kind of cockamamie SUPERpower is that?!?!?! HAMTON (dramatically) I have all the SUPERpowers of ... BUSTER, SHIRLEY, DIZZY, PLUCKY (aside) Pause three beats. HAMTON Household Kitchen Appliances! PLUCKY Kitchen Appliances!? Buster, put this pig on ice! BUSTER With pleasure, oh clueless leader. BUSTER fires his ice gun. The waves of cold swirl around HAMTON leaving only a light dusting of snow which melts away. HAMTON Sorry, Ice Rabbit! But I'm frost-free! Let's see how you stand up to my Fully Automatic Ice Cube Dispenser! A volley of ice cubes flies from HAMTON's hands to bury BUSTER. PLUCKY Ironic, isn't it. DIZZY Yar! Yar! Yargh! Eat piggy! Eat piggy! DIZZY whirls off at HAMTON. HAMTON Not on my clean floor you don't! HAMTON zaps the floor. The floor becomes sparklingly clean and shiny in an expanding circle around him. DIZZY hits the shiny area and slips and slides in a high-speed tumble right past HAMTON and into a wall. DIZZY Dizzy no like this game anymore! PLUCKY Oh great! Trashed by pig with super-kitchenette powers! This will look just great on my resume! HAMTON I wasn't always a Supervillain, you know! SHIRLEY Oh no! Like, My Incredible Mutant Psychic Precognition Powers are telling me that, like, a totally tedious Origin Story is approaching! HAMTON My Origin Story? Don't mind if I do! PLUCKY What!? No! Don't do it! Please! Anything but that! Please! No! Stop! ... BUSTER Settle down, Plucky, he gets to tell his Origin Story and we have to listen to it. It's in the standard Supervillain contract. PLUCKY No! No! It's INHUMAN I tell you! BUSTER Was that another in joke? PLUCKY No, but it could be if I worked on it. BUSTER You know, Plucky, there is an up side to this. (whispers) Whenever a Supervillain tells his Origin Story the heros get a chance to spot his Secret Weakness. PLUCKY Secret Weakness, huh ... OK let's give it a shot. Take notes everybody, there will be a quiz after the lecture. OK Hammy, I mean 'Pig-Neat-o', hit it! HAMTON Once I was a normal pig... PLUCKY Ha! BUSTER Plucky ... HAMTON >Ahem!< Once I was a normal pig ... FLASHBACK INT HAMTON'S KITCHEN - DAY HAMTON is busily scrubbing, polishing, cleaning everything in sight ... all the normal HAMTON business. HAMTON(V.O.) My life was filled with all joys that only a spotlessly clean, thoroughly modern, high efficiency kitchen can bring. In fact, I spent all my waking hours finding new and wondrous ways to make my kitchen the best it possibly could be! MONTAGE of various scenes featuring HAMTON testing toaster springs, rebuilding a refrigerator, comparing non-stick frying pans etc.. HAMTON(V.O.) I was a pig with a mission! PLUCKY(V.O.) He's a pig with a problem! BUSTER(V.O.) Plucky! HAMTON(V.O.) Until one day ... one tragic day! INT HAMTON'S LIVING ROOM - DAY, TRAGIC SOUND: Doorbell HAMTON Coming! HAMTON opens the door and finds himself face-to-knees with ARNOLD. HAMTON looks up. ARNOLD makes a gruesome attempt at a 'friendly' smile. HAMTON goes white. MONTY(O.S.) Heel, boy! MONTY barges into HAMTON's house, grabs HAMTON's hand and shakes vigorously. MONTY Good afternoon, Mr. Hamton J. Pig, Montana Max's the name, and Real Estate is my game. HAMTON is still transfixed by the looming figure of ARNOLD. MONTY Allow me to introduce my associate, Mr. Arnold. He's a uh ... he's a surveyor! Yeah, he's an expert at property lines. ARNOLD You want I should go mark his property, boss? MONTY draws his hand across his throat in a 'shadupa-you-mouth' gesture. ARNOLD shrugs. HAMTON shakes his head and comes out of his trance. HAMTON Montana Max? Why, you're the one who sold me this property! Is something wrong with my house? MONTY Oh nononononono! Far from it, little buddy. In fact, me and my associate would like to make you a very special offer for your house: I'll give you fair market value PLUS 20 thou IF you're outta here by midnight. Whadda ya say, pal? HAMTON Well, I can't ... MONTY OK, 40 thou! HAMTON Oh! Well, I'm sorry but ... MONTY 50 thou! Not one penny more! HAMTON It's not the money! My experiments are at a very crucial stage right now, I can't just leave ... MONTY Experiments?! ARNOLD Experiments? With hazardous, highly toxic chemicals, perhaps? MONTY Ixnay on the oxictay emicalskay, ummyday! HAMTON Toxic chemicals! Goodness no! I'm an inventor, I'm designing the Kitchen of Tomorrow! Please, step right this way. HAMTON leads MONTY and ARNOLD into a plastic lined 'clean room'. HAMTON Now, if you'll just slip into these protective suits ... ARNOLD and MONTY comply as best they can, working themselves into the plastic jumpsuits, booties, gloves and helmets. HAMTON And now, gentlemen, through this door lies ... the future! HAMTON pulls down a giant lever. Warning sirens sound, the grinding sound of a massive steel door in motion is heard. A shaft of pure white light shines through the doorway, growing wider as the door opens. The light shines on HAMTON, he is beaming with pride. The light shines on MONTY, he squints and turns away. The light shines on ARNOLD, his eyes widen with amazement. ARNOLD It's ... it's beautiful! INT KITCHEN OF TOMORROW - TODAY Through the open door we see HAMTON and ARNOLD. MONTY is hiding behind ARNOLD. ARNOLD slowly enters the kitchen. Everything is gleaming. ARNOLD It's ... incredible! It's so, so ... ergonomic! HAMTON Exactly! Sink, range, oven, refrigerator, food preparation areas ... all at exactly the right distances for maximum comfort and efficiency! MONTY Everything's so shiny! I ... Ahhhhhh! What's that!? What is it!? MONTY leaps up into ARNOLD's arms. ARNOLD It's your reflection, boss. MONTY What!? Uh ... I knew that! Put me down! ARNOLD complies. MONTY dusts himself off. He sees something marvelous. MONTY Wow! What is that?! HAMTON This? This is my proudest creation, the Refrigerator of the Future! HAMTON grabs a glass from a nearby cupboard a proceeds to demonstrate. HAMTON Through the door ice dispenser! Juice! Milk! Root beer! Fold-down condiment tray! Butter! Jam! Mayo! Mustard! Relish! Pickles! Freezer-on-the- bottom with enough room for two ten pound turkeys! Climate-controlled ice cream compartment with palm- print security feature! Nobody's going to snitch your Ben & Jerry's with this baby! HAMTON is on a roll. He goes leaping about the kitchen, demonstrating everything. HAMTON Slide out cutting board! Self-sharpening knife rack! Separate dishwashers for glasses, mugs, plates, silverware! Automatic, self-sorting canned goods racks! Peanut butter & jelly dispenser! Perfect for midnight snacks. ARNOLD I'm sold! I'm sold! I'll take two in my size! MONTY Sorry, bud, they don't make'em in your size. Hamton old buddy old pal, I want it! I'll take it all! The house, the kitchen, the works! Name your price! HAMTON Oh no! This kitchen's not for sale! It's my masterpiece! It's my life! And, besides, it's not perfected yet! ARNOLD Not perfected? What more could you add? HAMTON Well, the toaster springs don't quite have the right sound yet, and I'm still trying to build the perfect microwave oven. MONTY Microwave oven? HAMTON Yup! I've got 45 prototypes in the basement right now, running endurance tests. MONTY Microwaves ... Well, sounds like fun but I've gotta go now! MONTY pushes ARNOLD towards the door. MONTY Things to see, people to do! Sorry we couldn't cut a deal here. Call me when you get those bugs out of the toaster! HAMTON Bugs!!!! Where!? MONTY It's a figure of speech, pork-for-brains. Ciao! INT MONTY'S LIMO - DAY MONTY steps in and sits, looking thoughtful. HAMTON's house is visible in the background. ARNOLD enters and closes the limo door. He sits across from MONTY. ARNOLD I don't get it, boss! If we don't get that property by tonight and dig up that illegally buried toxic waste, they'll throw the book at us! We'll lose everything! MONTY That's the difference between you and me, that's why you're the flunky and I'm the boss. You see trouble where I see another gold mine ... hmmmm, microwaves ... Call up R&D! Tell'em I need a special present for a very special friend! (fiendishly) Heh heh heh heh heh. CUT TO EXT ROAD BY HAMTON'S HOUSE - DAY MONTY's limo drives away. MONTY's fiendish laughter fades into the distance. PAN TO EXT HAMTON'S HOUSE - DAY CROSS FADE TO EXT HAMTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT, DARK MONTY's limo is parked out front. MONTY and ARNOLD are at HAMTON's door. ARNOLD carries a large box. HAMTON(V.O) That night, my life would change forever! INT HAMTON'S BASEMENT - NIGHT HAMTON is surrounded by microwave ovens. He's randomly sampling baked potatoes from them. HAMTON Nope, only half-baked. Nope, too rubbery. Hmmmm ... nice texture, a bit dry ... SOUND: Doorbell HAMTON I wonder who that could be? INT HAMTON'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT SOUND: Doorbell HAMTON Who is it? Before HAMTON can open the door, MONTY bursts in followed by ARNOLD. MONTY Well, if it isn't my old friend Hamton J. Pig! How ya doing, pal! Burning the midnight oil, eh? And how's the old kitchen of the future? HAMTON Monty! Uh , well ... MONTY Great! Really great! Glad to hear it! You know, Hammy m'boy, me and the boys down in R&D thought you might need a little help. Arnold! The box. HAMTON Well, gee Monty, thanks but ... ARNOLD sets down the box and opens it. Inside is a beautiful microwave oven. Spotlessly clean, gleaming chrome. HAMTON Wow! It's perfect! MONTY That's right, old buddy, and it's all yours! MONTY grabs the oven and slams it into HAMTON's arms. MONTY Why don't you take it down to your basement and give a test spin? HAMTON Gee, thanks Monty! I'll do that! HAMTON heads for the basement. MONTY chuckles evilly. MONTY You do that, old pal! Hope you get a real BANG out of it! Arnold, bring the truck around to the kitchen! It's moving day! (vilely) Heh heh heh! Heh heheheheheh heh! INT HAMTON'S BASEMENT - NIGHT HAMTON plugs in the new microwave. The timer sets itself and a ticking sound is heard. HAMTON That's funny! I wonder if it's supposed to do that? SOUND: Truck noises, crashing wall. The room suddenly shakes. HAMTON Whoa! Goodness! That sounded like ... (panicked) my Kitchen!!! The room shakes again. The floor cracks exposing a vile green glow. HAMTON gasps in terror. INT KITCHEN OF TOMORROW - NIGHT ARNOLD and MONTY are struggling with the Refrigerator of the Future. The room shakes. MONTY Those idiots! The bomb's not supposed to go off now! ARNOLD I don't think that was the bomb, boss! (sniffs) What is that smell ... A gloppy bubbling sound is heard. The room shakes again. The floor under the refrigerator cracks revealing a vile green glow. The refrigerator tilts menacingly over MONTY. MONTY screams. The floor gives way and the refrigerator drops into the basement. MONTY is hanging on to the edge. INT HAMTON'S BASEMENT - NIGHT The refrigerator is slowly sinking in a pool of green slime. HAMTON woozily pokes his head out from under a pile of half- eaten baked potatoes. MONTY(O.S.) Help!!! Get me out of here! ARNOLD(O.S.) Don't panic, boss! I've got you! HAMTON No!!! My refrigerator!!! HAMTON leaps to save his beloved refrigerator. SOUND: A microwave oven timer goes 'ding'. The scene becomes a swirling MONTAGE of glowing green goo, futuristic kitchen appliances and a terrified HAMTON. SLOW FADE TO INT DANGER ROOM BUSTER, DIZZY and PLUCKY lie collapsed in various twisted sleeping postures. SHIRLEY floats comfortably in mid-air, of course. HAMTON wipes a tear from his eye. HAMTON I didn't save my Refrigerator of the Future, the cornerstone of my Kitchen of Tomorrow, but between the toxic goo, the microwave ovens and Monty's bomb, I underwent a strange metamorphosis ... I became PIG- NEAT-O! BUSTER, PLUCKY and SHIRLEY suddenly wake at HAMTON's outburst. DIZZY snorts and rolls over. HAMTON (continues) Endowed with the powers of Advanced Kitchen Appliances, I vowed to use my abilities to make the world a safer place for Advanced Snack Preparation! PLUCKY Sounds great, Hammy, but why did you become a Supervillain? You sound like the natural hero-type to me. HAMTON Well, I thought about it, but I've still got my experiments to consider, and Supervillains get paid better. We also get better costumes. PLUCKY Oh brother! HAMTON Say, Plucky, just out of curiosity, what are your origins? PLUCKY Well, Dizzy was born that way, Shirley studied Advanced Metaphysics and Yoga all her life ... SHIRLEY Lives, Plucky. Like, several lifetimes. Oooooooom ... Ooooooooommmm ... PLUCKY Riiiight, Shirl, whatever you say. I used my natural intelligence and mechanical prowess to build the Amazing Opti-Blaster ... BUSTER Come on, Plucky, you got your powers the same way I did. Five boxtops and a coupon from the back of a comic book. PLUCKY Well thank you Mr. Blabbermouth! Just RUIN the mystique why don't you?! HAMTON No matter, prepare to be defeated, Yuksmen! I shall ... uh ... let me see now ... That's it! I shall MOP the floor with you! HAMTON spreads his cape wide to cast a menacing shadow. Up out of the shadow comes a line of Disney-esque mops carrying pails of soapy water. They empty their pails in the direction of the Yuksmen. DIZZY wakes. DIZZY Who? Hah? Ahhhhhhhh! Soapy water! No! No! Dizzy HATE bath! Soapy water is Dizzy's Secret Weakness! A spotlight shines on DIZZY. He picks up a handy microphone. DIZZY Dizzy home planet of Tazztron about to be destroyed by giant meteor! Dizzy parents put baby Dizzy in space ship and send Dizzy to Acme Acres where ... PLUCKY(O.S.) Whoops! Sorry, Diz ... The spotlight goes off. PLUCKY takes the microphone. PLUCKY You slept through the origin story scene. Besides, we had to cut it short because you-know-who ran over time! A sploosh of water covers PLUCKY and DIZZY. PLUCKY Loon Lass! Cover the Amazing Dervish with a Psychic Shield so he can dry off! Ice Rabbit, it's up to you and I to ... A sploosh of water covers PLUCKY. PLUCKY glares O.C. PLUCKY It's up to you and ... It's up ... Yarrrgh!!! The battle is joined in earnest! BUSTER does well enough fending off the water with his Ice gun, but sheer weight of numbers starts wearing him down. PLUCKY fires beam after beam at HAMTON, who deflects them with ease. SHIRLEY hovers above the scene, trying push back the mops but she is constantly hampered by DIZZY who keeps jumping up and grabbing her to avoid the soapy water. SHIRLEY Oh wow! I'm like, totally stressed-out! Let go Dizzy! All these mondo negatory vibes ... I could, like, totally lose control and become, like, Dark Loon! I could save my friends, but I might, like, totally destroy Acme Acres or some junk! Like, mondo moral dilemma or what? BUSTER Well toonsters, this looks like it! The last stand of the Yuksmen! Can anything save us? Are we truly doomed to fall beneath Pig-Neat-o's might? The ceiling opens. An Angelic form, BABS as Angel Bunny, is seen silhouetted against a shaft of golden light. BABS Oh, I wouldn't say that! BABS leaps into the fray, flying back and forth at high speed, scattering mops everywhere. BABS Yahooooooooooo! HAMTON, in order to respond to this new threat, conjures a giant waffle iron and 'waffles' PLUCKY. Next, HAMTON creates a giant blender and tries to pull BABS into it's vortex. A bolt of lightning knocks HAMTON over, freeing PLUCKY and BABS. FIFI floats down from the sky on a thundercloud, her hair is up in a giant mohawk. FIFI Bonjour! Bonjour, mes amie! Ce'st moi! FIFI casts more lightning at HAMTON who leaps up and runs away. He runs smack into PLUCKY who Opti-Blasts him at point-blank range. HAMTON reels around, stunned. SHIRLEY shakes DIZZY loose, telekinetically picks up the scattered mops and smooshes them into a ball around HAMTON. BUSTER fires his Ice Gun, sealing HAMTON in a giant ice ball. FIFI conjures a warm breeze around DIZZY to dry him off. DIZZY whirls over to the ice ball and begins juggling it. BABS glides down to BUSTER. BUSTER Hey! That was some classy entrance, Babs! BABS You have no idea how boring it gets waiting for the 'nick of time'. BABS shows BUSTER a large watch with GOGO on it. The watch is marked "Almost", "Nearly", "Nick'o'time" and "Too Late" GOGO At the tone, the time will be later than you think! Cookoo Cookoo Cookoo! A rumbling crash is heard. The far wall collapses to reveal ELMYRA, FURRBALL, CALAMITY and whoever else wants in on this scene. ELMYRA Ooooooooooooo! Look at all the cute fuzzy-wuzzies! PLUCKY Oh no! It's Queen Elmyra and the Heckfire Club! Another wall tumbles to reveal MARY MELODY and a cast of extras in high-tech battle gear. MARY Forward, Agents of A.C.M.E.! The Agents of A.C.M.E. and the Heckfire Club are suddenly scattered by ARNOLD riding a silver skateboard. ARNOLD Beware Earthlings! It is I, Radical Dude, herald of GALACTI-MAX, Slumlord of the Universe! The roof is peeled away by a giant MONTY wearing a purple costume. MONTY reaches for BUSTER. MONTY Hiya, pals! Ready for the Ultimate Foreclosure? MONTY lifts BUSTER out of the danger room. The scene becomes 'cloud edged' and slowly drifts apart to reveal ... INT ACME LOO MUSTY SCIENCE LAB STOREROOM - DAY FOGHORN LEGHORN is shaking BUSTER awake. BUSTER Who? Hah? Wah? FOGHORN Wake up, son! Get the lead out, that is. Looks to me like you've been having a dream sequence, son. FOGHORN picks up cloud-edged remnant of the Danger Room scene. A miniature BABS flies out, winks and vanishes. The cloud poofs away. FOGHORN A day-dream, that is! BUSTER Wha? Oh! Sorry, about that, Professor. I was just cleaning up like you asked when I found these comic books ... BUSTER picks up a few copies of X-men, S.H.I.E.L.D. etc.. FOGHORN collects them up. FOGHORN Well roll me in corn flour and call me dinner! I didn't know these were here! Tell you what, son, why don't I just take these off your hands for now and the minute you finish up, they're yours. After I finish'em, that is. Exit Prof. FOGHORN. BUSTER shrugs. BUSTER A dream-sequence? Usually when I have a daydream I get a bigger role. Oh well ... He picks a broom and begins sweeping, accidently knocking over a cannister marked 'Radioactive Isotopes'. BUSTER doesn't notice as a woozy-looking spider crawls out of it. BUSTER ... back to work. Of course, it could be fun ... BUSTER bends over, back to the camera, to pick up a dustpan. The SPIDER drops down from the ceiling to BUSTER's tail. The scene IRISES DOWN on BUSTER's tail. BUSTER ... to be a real Superhero. The scene goes black. BUSTER(O.S.) Yeeeeeeeouch! Hey! What bit me? THE END