LEGAL NOTES: Characters contained within this story are copyright of Warner Brothers and Amblin Entertainment. This story in no way is a challenge to those copyrights or an attempt to cash in on those characters. In other words, please don't sue me, I don't have a job. Additional note: one character contained within is copyright Jeremy J. Jurrens 1996, see end legal note for additional details, I don't want to spoil the story here. AUTHORS NOTE: My wasn't that boring? This story was started in January 1996, and finished February 1996. It is my first attempt at fan-fiction and took me a lot of guts to put it on the net. This story may be distributed freely, you can alter it as long as I don't find out.(please don't) When you send comments please do what the teachers said, "If you can't find anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What I mean is, don't be calling me up saying, "Your a stupid idiot who better find something to do with his life and get a job!"(I hear that enough from my mother!) Anyway, lets dispense with the pleasantries and I hope you enjoy the story. AUTHORS E-MAIL ADDRESS: JJURRENS@ILCC.CC.IA.US (address valid until May of 1996) THE LEGEND OF THE DEED OF ACME ACRES ByJeremy J. Jurrens It is a gloomy looking day at Montana Max's mansion.(When isn't it?) Thunder clouds are in the sky, lightning flashes from cloud to cloud, almost, but never touching Max's home. The front gates shine a dark gold luster to the world. Signs saying, "Charity workers will be shot! Girl scouts will receive one dog on the kester!" and other various signs are posted on the gates. The grand driveway of freshly paved concrete leads to the main entrance of the estate, two huge solid oak doors with a coating of paint that gives them the appearance of towering slabs of white marble. From inside can be heard the insidious laughter of Montana Max, a sound his competitors heard before a takeover. "I've found it Grovely!" Montana yells at his butler, "The ultimate and most foolproof plan to make Acme Acres mine once and for all!" He takes a sip out of a glass setting on the table before him, and promptly spits out what he drank. "This milks two degrees above chilled!" he splashes the container's entire contents on Grovely, "Get me another, and make sure its not spoiling this time!" "Yes, sir." Grovely promptly walks off to fetch a new glass of milk for the young master, leaving Montana to his plotting. When Grovely is gone he turns back to the table and focuses his attention on the objects splayed out before him. Laying on the table are four objects: a map of Acme Acres, an old yellowed Acme Gazette, a tattered and decomposing piece of paper, and a deteriorated wooden chest that appears to have been buried. Montana's attention is focused entirely on the map. The map appears as a normal view of the layout of Acme Acres, except to the far south of the City of Acme Acres there is included an entire forest marked, "Lost Woods." Grovely returns with a glass of milk that has frost on its surface, Montana pays it no attention, too enwrapped in his plotting. Grovely stands in front of the table holding the plate the milk was carried on. Montana looks up at Grovely and addresses him, "Have you ever heard of the deed to Acme Acres?" "No, sir." "Good, because it seems that almost no one in Acme Acres has either." he continues, "The deed is suppose to be a legend according to all the people I talked to while inquiring about it. It was a document that would have given legal ownership of Acme Acres to Bugs Bunny, the first time ever it would be accepted in courts that a toon owned land. This was done back when the city was first drawn up in the early 1940's, long before Acme Loo was even thought of" "May I ask why you are so interested in it master?" Grovely says. "I'm getting to that, keep your socks on!" Montana suddenly realizes that his butler interrupted him. Rage begins to swell through him, but he fights it down, realizing what he has found is too important to be interrupted by a tantrum. "The deed was never signed by Bugs and it never reached Acme Acres. Instead, its bearers were found the day they were to arrive at City Hall passed out on the steps with no deed. They reported they had lost conscience in route and awoke to find themselves on the steps." Montana begins to grind his hands together in a way that told Grovely he was about to reveal his plot, "The deed would have been replaced by another if not for its certain qualities." Grovely raises an eyebrow to this comment. "The deed was and is a living toon, and not only that, but the signatures of Friz Freleng, Tex Avery, Bob Clampett, Robert McKimson, Chuck Jones, Carl Stalling and Mel Blanc were on it." "The original directors of the Loony Tunes." says Grovely. "Yes, as a result it would have been considered sacrilege to replace it, so it was generally accepted that Bugs Bunny owned Acme Acres, even though it would never stand up in court." "Ah master, you have found a legal loophole to win Acme Acres with." Grovely comments. "No, idiot! I found a perfectly legal way to win Acme Acres, with the deed!" Grovely appears confused. "Let me put it in small words so I don't confuse you. Although the deed was lost, a theory to its disappearance emerged over the years." Montana motions to the rotted piece of paper, "It was thought that because the deed was a living toon and was signed by the original directors it was infused with the free-spirit and wackiness of those directors. As a result, when it learned it was to be encased forever at Acme Acres City Hall it fled away. There was no proof or evidence of this so the theory was put on ice and the deed was considered lost forever, until now." Montana picks up the rotted wooden case that drops pieces of wood over the table. Grovely pulls out a hand vac and immediately sucks up the pieces as they fall. "One of my agents found this on the outskirts of the Lost Woods. It fits perfectly with the description of the box the deed was carried in according to the Acme Gazette from the day it was transported. Also, I had the case analyzed and it is giving off toonraid, radiation only a very powerful toon or toon object would leave behind." "So you intend to go searching through the Lost Woods until you find it, then sign it gaining total ownership of Acme Acres." says Grovely. "In a sense yes, but do you know why they call it the Lost Woods?" "Everyone who enters gets lost." Grovely says with a smirk. "If it was because of that they would have found the deed a long time ago! It is called that because the woods has anything that was ever lost. Lost stars, lost cameos, lost toons, lost jokes, and what makes the woods the most dangerous, lost explosions and lost falling objects. Anyone who enters it without proper protection is kicked, blown up, kissed, spit on, and splattered with bad and good jokes. Even the most daring explorers were eventually driven out." "It seems that the deed is far from your grasp then master." says Grovely. "Not this time, the forest seems to have to recharge itself once a month each year, at this time the pummeling is not as bad, but still I plan to hire help to blaze a path for me, just to be on the safe side." "Master is so wise" says Grovely, Montana quickly flips him a coin from his pocket. "I need fodder that is strong in body but soft in the head, not only for protection from the lost gags, but from the Guardian." "The Guardian sir?" says Grovely. "A toon like no one has ever seen that lives in the Lost Woods. All reports say it will drive out those who intend harm with a force unseen in this world, but will help those out of the woods who intend no harm." "I have never heard of this Guardian master, where did such a creature come from?" Grovely replies. "I'll worry about that when I meet it, right now I need a pair that is strong, dumb, and easy to convince." A brief silence passes between the two. "Dizzy and Elmyra!" they both say simultaneously. Montana reaches for the glass of milk to take a drink, "Grovely?" "Yes, sir." "If I am such a rotten kid, what am I doing drinking milk?" "I have no idea sir," replies Grovely. Montana takes a swig, suddenly his eyes pop wide open and a look of alarm comes over his face. "Whathe thhe! Mthhe tung ith thothzen thooth thhe glasth! Youthe gotthen ith thooth coldth! Youthe stupithhe buther!" Montana lunges at Grovely, glass hanging from his dangling tongue, Grovely flees for his bodily safety as Montana picks up the nearest objects, yelling the whole time, "Whethhe Ithh gthh athould othh youthve! Althh havthh froggithhing!" "You wanted frogs legs for dinner sir?" replies Grovely while dodging projectiles. "Aggthhhhe!" If Montana and Grovely would have been paying more attention to their surroundings they might have noticed that they were not alone in the discussion. As Grovely flees to another room, nearly being hit by a tiger throw rug, a shadow outline in the window drops out of sight. Outside of the window is Roddy Rat of Perfecto Prep. "So, Montana has found a sure fire way to gain ownership of Acme Acres. We'll just see who's signature will eventually end up on that deed!" (Dramatic duh duh dunn as Roddy flees from Montana's grounds) Two days later at Acme Loo, it's a beautiful morning as Buster and Babs make their way to classes. Buster, "I don't know Babsie, the dictionary defines a university as an institute of graduate education, like a college. Yet, we seem to be acting out high school years here." Babs, "So what are we going to? A college or a high school? And if we're going to a high school, shouldn't we have graduated a long time ago?" Shirley approaches the two from behind, "Like hi Buster and Babs. What kind of junk were you two talking about? I sensed some bad vibes or something from you two." Babs, "Oh, we were just trying to figure out what type of school we attend. A college or a high school." Shirley, "Ewwe, haven't you figured it out yet Babs? Like, nothing in this cartoon makes sense. The only reason they would have us go to a college is as if college kids enjoyed this sort of junk." Buster, "So you think we're in high school then." Shirley, "Hold on there blue boy! I never said that kind of sauce. I'm only trying to say that if the viewers like liked us in college we'd be in college. It seems more like a mix between the two or some other rut." This response gives more confusion to the bunnies then an answer to their question. Suddenly, Little Beeper races past the trio with Calamity hot on his trail on a jet-powered skateboard. Calamity's pursuit only lasts a few seconds as he gains enough speed to overcome Earth's gravity and becomes airborne. Rocketing off into the skyline the skateboard explodes into a fabulous fireworks display that Buster, Babs, and Shirley all, "OH!" and, " AH!" to. Hamton walks out from the bushes bordering the walk, and oddly enough seems to be the only toon carrying a backpack as well as any books. "Hi guys, you all ready for a fresh new week of school?" explodes Hamton. "Yeah! Yeah! Sure, whatever Hamton." all three blurt out. Hamton, "What's wrong? Have you all been getting enough vitamins? You don't seem too full of pep." Buster, "How can I put it Hammy? Not all of us have Granny's cooking class as a major subject and look forward to seeing professor Sam each day." Hamton, "What are you trying to say Buster?" Buster slaps his hand on his forehead and slowly drags it down his face. Babs does her best to support and comfort the distraught bunny. A green blur leaps from the bushes and lands in a, "Ta Dah!" stance in front of the group. "The worst just became the best because heeeerrreees Plucky!" Buster, "Morning Plucky. Get out of bed a little too early today?" Motions to Plucky's shirt that is not only inside out but backwards. Plucky, "What do you mean?" gives his appearance a quick look over and suddenly realizes his shirts disorder. Turns a deep beat red and dives into the nearest bush. He emerges later and makes his way to Shirley who tries her best to dodge him. Plucky, "So Shirl, did you miss me? Our, was that someone else's aura I had in my dream last night?" Shirley, shoving Plucky away from her, "Get crucial Plucky! My aura would hang out in Charles Mansion's dreams before it went to your ego centered mind." Plucky, "Don't worry Shirl, I know that no other loon cooks in a dream like you did last night." quickly flashes his eyebrows at her which she responds in a gagging take. Hamton, "Boiled broccoli with oriental corn and carrots smothered in olive oil makes a great dish. What kind of dish was made in your dream Plucky?" everyone stares at Hamton for awhile, then they all shake their heads. The entire group makes its way down the walk, creeping ever closer to Acme Loo and the remains of Calamity's charred skateboard that just landed ten feet away. Babs, "You know Buster, this is real strange." Buster, "What do you mean Babs? Calamity's antics actually having a cause and effect to them?" Babs, "That too, but also," pulls Buster aside and whispers, "have you noticed how many lines our costars have gotten? They usually only get this many in a solo episode, not a mix, when we're suppose to be the stars." raises her voice to normal, "Who's next? Fifi!" "Did someone call le master of le arts de love?" Fifi walks out from the bushes that are quickly disintegrating from her odor that is coming rapidly from her tail. All the characters hold their noses, Fifi appears out of breath and to be calming down. Babs, "That's it! If their going to have this many female characters hogging the spotlight, especially a female skunk that's a........" she is cut off by Shirley clasping her mouth. Shirley, "Be like careful Babs!" she whispers, "I heard rumors that like Fifi has more drooling fanboys then both of us. You don't want to make them mad or some junk." Babs doesn't look convinced, but says no more. Shirley, "So, like Fifi why are you so excited and smelly like?" Fifi, "Le sigh. Moi was just after le skunk hunk of le dreams, and lost mois fruit de passion. He was le most handsome a la adorable thing je ever saw. Just a petite bit shy." On the horizon we see Furrball with a white stripe down his back fleeing for Acme Loo. Sweetie is on a nearby hill next to a can of white paint, rolling in laughter. Shirley, "Yeah, like whatever Fif." The group continues on, splitting into two groups, The Magnificent Three: Buster, Plucky, Hamton, and The Amazing Three: Babs, Shirley, and Fifi. Buster, starts the guy's discussion off, talking about the great hockey game he saw over the weekend. "and the guy ran into him so hard his eyes popped out. So, they decided to use them as pucks and made two goals. They would have won if the guy hadn't asked for them back at half-time." Plucky responds with, "Cool!" while Hamton has a look of horror on his face. Fifi starts the girls before Babs has a chance. Fifi, "Je think that le boy skunk hunk in computer animation class wants to ask moi out. I'll go see monsiour today." Shirley, "Fif? Didn't he like, get a restraining order or some junk against you?" Fifi, "Monsiour only playing the, how do you say, hard to get with moi. Je faire tease monsiour today and bring monsiour to le grande boiling point!" Babs whispers to Shirley, "Yea, and stunt his puberty for about five years!" Shirley giggles, Fifi pays no attention, too enwrapped in the way she's going to wrap her new game in her tail. The rest of the journey to Acme Loo is fairly uneventful, except when Dizzy flies by playing a few power cords on his new electric guitar. "Dizzy want to form band, just need a singer, drummer, and bass player. Then Dizzy have band!" The dodo clock sounds off the beginning of classes for the day, they all rush to the door and to their classes. From the inside it appears the door has exploded and a comet, that started somewhere around Alpha Centari, came down the hallway. Surprisingly, none of them make it to class on time and a long roar of teachers begins.(You might want to cover your ears!) "I say boy! If you spent as much energy on your schoolwork as you did coming in that door, pay attention to me boy!" Foghorn gives Buster a resounding slap on the back, "I'm not talking just to keep the blood in my head! Now where was I? Oh yeah! If you got here on time boy, you would see your butt's wanted in the office! On the announcements that is." Buster, "What!" "What! What do you mean what? I'll asked the questions around here boy! Nice kid, never knows when he's getting ahead of himself though." Foghorn blows on. "Ha, Ha, Buster. Looks like they found out about the glue you put in the mystery meat Friday." Plucky says. Buster, "Glue? I didn't put any glue in the...." Plucky has a jar of glue Buster spots behind his back. Plucky whistles, then gives a grin to his blue pal. "I wouldn't, I say, wouldn't be laughing there duck. Your butt's wanted in the office too!" Plucky, "What! Me! What did I do?" drops the jar of glue that makes a hazard in the middle of the class front. Foghorn, "Says right here," points to a piece of paper marked, "Announcements" turns back to the pair, "it's a know fact boy. You can argue with me, but you can't argue with facts. Now I suggest, I say again, I suggest you two head on up to the principle's office! No telling what Bugs wants out of your two's hides." Both Buster and Plucky turn, heads down, for the door and the hallway to impeding doom. Foghorn, "Nice pair, never amount to nothing though." walks towards his desk and unwittingly steps in the pond of glue Plucky made, becoming immediately stuck. "What in the! I say what in the name of vittles is this?" "Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend Mr. Leghorn." the voice comes from the Dawg who is standing in the doorway with a plunger stuck to his head. "I liked your present so much, that I came over to thank you for it." "Now hold on a minute there friend dog. You wouldn't kick a fellow barn-brother while he was down now would you?" We see the room from the hall, Buster and Plucky have only slowly traveled three feet since departing from the door. Dawg reaches out and closes the door, shortly after is heard the clucking of a rooster and feathers are seen coming through the bottom of the door. "I didn't know a rooster could move his body like that." a student is heard from inside the room. Twenty minutes later, Buster and Plucky have traveled to an important junction in the hallway. Here they will turn left down a corridor that leads to a stairway, that leads to another hall that the principal's office is in. "What do you think we got in trouble for now Plucky?" "I don't know, but whatever it is," Plucky cuts into a perfect Beavis impression, "I didn't do it! It was Buster the whole time!" "Plucky! We already got lame enough stuff in this show without you dragging in those two dolts." Plucky, "Sorry Buster." The two continue on slowly, finally coming to the junction in the hall. "Hey, Plucky! What are you doing out of class?" the voice comes from Hamton to their right, who is walking with Babs. Hamton appears fully nervous and shaken, also, is the only one of the four who is actually carrying a hall pass. Plucky, "Hamton? You got sent to the principal's office too? Well that tears it Buster, today must be pick on the stars day." Babs, "I don't know Plucky? Granny was awfully sweet about the way she told us we were wanted in the office. She didn't even seem real concerned about us going." Buster, "What are you talking about Babs? Granny has always been a sweet old lady." Babs, "You do have a point." The troop of now four continues on to the stairs leading to the second floor and Bugs office. Still dragging their feet, unsure of why they have been summoned. Thoughts of what happen to Plucky last time he was called dancing in their heads. Plucky, "They made me clean the entire cesspool out with my tongue! It could of been worse I guess, they didn't have to drain it before I cleaned." Buster, "That's a lie and you know it Plucky! All you did was have to clean the faculty lounge with a toothbrush." Plucky, "Well, it seemed like a cesspool to me!" The ascension of the stairs is a long one, in toon time that is. Reaching the top they can see the door to the Principal's office. Leering at them in toon-vision, as a deadly predator that eats all and releases its pray only when they are drained of all life and backbone. Luckily, everyone thinks, there is another hall junction before it as a convenient escape route. Two forms suddenly materialize out of that junction. A quick look by the four identifies them as two more of their friends, Shirley and Fifi. Babs, "You two were on the announcements to see the Principal too?" Fifi, "Non. Je don't think so? Marvin sent moi from computer animation for chasing after monsiour skunk hunk moi told vous about this morning." Shirley, "It was like the funniest thing you could ever see! At the end of it, he was throwing mouse pads at her like Frisbees, and almost conked her on the head with a keyboard just to keep her at bay! I almost like died!" Fifi, "Monsiour only likes to play it rough. To tell vous le truth, je think moi would like it rough!" gives a growl to her friends indicating just how much she'd like it rough. Shirley, "To like answer your first question Babs, Marvin did show us our names on the announcements. So like we were called here too, couldn't you like die at the coincidence?" Plucky, "We couldn't have all done something wrong! Buster, I'm telling you, it's pick on the stars day!" Hamton, "Maybe we all won student of the day?" Babs, "Hammy, they don't just ask you to come to the office and quietly tell you your student of the day. Besides, none of us ever will win student of the day, there's no such thing." Buster, "Babsie's right! Which leads me to two conclusions, either we're in trouble for doing something, or we're all about to be expelled!" Dramatic, "Duh! Duh! Dun!" which everyone looks around to see were the music came from. Shirley, "I don't think so Buster. I'm not sensing any anger coming from the office," puts her fingers to her temples as if meditating, "but I am sensing a great deal of stress from the room." Shirley puts her hands back down, everyone stands in place not wanting to, but knowing they must continue. Thought balloons appear above their heads depicting what they are thinking is in store for them. Buster's shows Bugs wanting to make a special announcement to his friends. Bab's depicts Bugs telling Babs to get lost because they only need Buster as the star. Plucky's shows Bugs behind his desk suddenly changing into a bucktoothed hillbilly that is starved for duck. Hamton's has Bugs telling him to lose weight or be cut from the show because health nuts consider that even the sight of pork will diffuse fat through their eye's and into their bodies. Shirley's shows Bugs depicted as a hard core religious fanatic, holding a cross in front of him trying to drive her away like a vampire all the while saying, "Leave you heathen! No longer will you poison the children of God with your evil ways!" Fifi's shows her catching the boy skunk she was just chasing and smothering him with love, in more ways then one. They all stand at the junction for some time, it is Buster who breaks the spell, taking the first and final steps to the door. Babs follows suit and is soon followed by Plucky, Hamton, and Shirley. Fifi skips behind them, still dreaming about new ways to play, "rough" with that boy skunk. The principal's door looms before the tiny toonsters, claw marks are seen on the frame that give testimony to the many students that were dragged in. A sign saying, "This Space For Rent. Call 1-800- 658-9076" hangs below the window. Buster puts his hand on the doorknob and gives it a turn that produces a loud, "SCREECH!" mixed with a drumroll. Plucky, "Were the heck is that coming from?!" Hamton is seen with a snare drum around his neck holding drumsticks, he gives a sheepish smile. Buster pushes the door forward, resonating a loud noise of neglected hinges, and an even louder drumroll of a snare drum. Soon a crash is heard from behind them, everyone looks behind to see Hamton's head through the snare drum and Plucky rubbing his hands together saying, "Humph!" "It's about time you guys get here! What'd you do, stop and eat lunch on your way here?" the voice is that of Bugs Bunny, principal of Acme Loo. Bugs is sitting behind his large oak desk, pounding on the desk with a pencil looking very impatient and irritated at the bunch. This only makes their fears and ideas worse causing them to cower together in a bunch, Fifi cowers with them, finally being snapped out of her one track romance train. Bugs, "Oh, knock it off! I didn't call you here for discipline." they relax, but still are cautious, thinking it's some sick twisted mind game Bugs is pulling! That will rot their minds! Causing their heads to explode in a boiling soup of genetic......sorry, got carried away there. Buster, "So Bugs, what gives? If you didn't call us here for punishment, then what for?" Bugs, "I have a special assignment for you and your pals Buster. One that is very important as well as dangerous." Babs spins into a John Wayne impression, "Just tell us were those Indians are pilgrim, and we'll show them what it means to be branded." Babs holds up a red hot branding iron with, "BB" on it and quickly shoves it at an Indian that is bent over in front of the desk. The Indian quickly yelps and jumps out the window, runs across the horizon, whining like a dog thats been kicked. Bugs, "Cute Babs, but this is serious, the very existence of Acme Acres is at stake!" Buster, "What do you mean Bugs? Has Monty hatched another lame-brained idea about how to buy Acme Acres?" Babs, "Has Daffy found some way to get you fired and become principal?" Plucky, "Have the aliens from the movie, Bikini Clad Female Vampire Surfers From Planet X, finally landed and are quickly taking over Acme Acres by imprisoning its inhabitants souls in surfboards?" everybody gives Plucky a strange look, "What? Didn't you guys see that flick?" Bugs, "You're all wrong, but Buster is close. Monty is partially responsible for Acme Acres being in danger. Let me fill you in on what has happened the last two days, have any of you heard of the deed to Acme Acres?" they all shake their heads. "The deed was considered a legend by all, but I've know for years of its existence. It was to be signed by me giving me legal ownership of Acme Acres. For some unknown reason though, it was lost before I got a chance to sign it. For years it was feared that someday someone would show up with the deed and claim Acme Acres for their own. It seems now that such things are coming true." Bugs looks out the window, apparently thinking about something. Buster, "What do you mean Bugs? How could someone with a lost deed own Acme Acres? Wasn't a new one made?" "If only it would have been that simple, the deed you see is somewhat of a sacred object to the faculty and me. It was a living toon that the words were written on and was signed by two of the original directors of looney toons. As a result, we knew it hadn't been destroyed and hoped one day it would find its way here. Now though, Montana threatens to destroy any hope of it finally being delivered." Shirley, "Like how Bugs? I mean, if the deed is lost how could Montana like find it?" Bugs, "Spies of mine have revealed that Montana knows the general location of the deed. He's been at Elmyra's for two days trying to convince her to go along with his plans" Hamton, "Two days? Why was he there for two days?" Bugs, "It took him that long to get her to understand what he wanted to do. He just stopped by the Loo today and picked up Dizzy to go along. Last I heard he was headed in the direction of were it is located." Buster, "Where's that Bugs?" Bugs, "In the Lost Woods." Fifi, "Le Lost Woods! That is a forbidden place to all toons, being too dangerous for vous to enter." Babs, "How do you know about it Fifi?" Fifi, "Moi gets around while chasing le skunk hunks!" Bugs, "Your right Fifi, it is dangerous because of all the leftover jokes and gags that go into it. Montana is entering it on the one month in the year when it is possible to enter, and I want all of you to get the deed before he does." Buster, "Right, we'll have that deed back here before you know it! Come-on gang, we've got a deed to find." starts to walk out the door which Bugs quickly zips in front of him before he can leave. Bugs, "Hold on a minute there Buster, there's something you should know before you go marching off to war, something that is called the Guardian." Buster, "The Guardian? What is that?" Bugs, "A toon that protects the Lost Woods from all intruders during the month it is safe to enter. Whatever it is it has powers far beyond what any normal toon has. The last person that tried to enter was hit with eight anvils and when they finally got up was fried by lightning coming from the Guardian and repelled into Wackyland. It may be only wishful thinking that someone might get past the Guardian, but I also got reports that Perfecto Prep is also after the deed, and I don't want to take any chances. So, if you get past the Guardian, get the deed and bring it back here before anyone else does" Babs spins into an impression of the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket, "You can count on us sir! All right, you dirtbags!" addresses the troop, "Lets move it out! The Lost Woods is a long ways away and I don't think Gods going to miracle our butts there!" Babs starts marching out the door past Buster with the group in line. Bugs hands Buster a recent map of what is known about the Lost Woods and information on the deed and the Guardian. Bugs, "Good luck kid." Buster, "Thanks, I'll need it with this sorry bunch." Babs, "Move it pigboy! Were you born that fat our did you have to work at it! Private La Fume! That tails out of regulation!" Buster, "I better stop her before everyone goes awal." with that the blue bunny sprints out the door and down the hall after his quickly disappearing platoon. When Buster has finally disappeared down the stairs Bugs seems to be talking to himself. Bugs, "I hope you're right about this." A voice that has no origin, "This is what I foresaw Bugs, how do you expect them to understand what Acme Acres is all about if they would have never seen me?" Bugs, "Still, that Montana is getting smarter and more powerful everyday. I'm afraid that Buster may not stop him this time." Voice, "Do not worry Bugs, by the time this is over you will have someone who can conquer anyone who threatens Acme Acres." Bugs, "Yeah, but does it know that?" Bugs walks over to the window and lets out a brief sigh, "How is it anyway?" Voice, "More lonely and depressed then ever before, but still doing my bidding. You are right though Bugs, I fear if the wait had been longer it would've committed suicide." Bugs looks out the window reflecting to himself. Meanwhile, far south of Acme Acres Montana and his party of Dizzy, Elmyra(who is clutching Furrball in her arms), and Grovely have arrived at the edge of the Lost Woods. All are decked out in safari looking outfits. The woods looks like a reject rainforest from a Rambo movie, being choked with growth on the outside. Montana is looking through a pair of binoculars, surveying the boarder for an entrance. After some time he motions to Dizzy where to begin cutting. Dizzy winds up into a spin and heads straight for the forest, the group tries their best to keep up. The first of the trees fall with a loud crash, Dizzy makes quick work of the forest, blazing a trail that is well enough made for anyone to walk on. Suddenly though, a loud, "Twang!" is heard, followed by the cursing of a tasmanian devil. They catch up to Dizzy and see him sitting and yelling about something. Montana, "What's wrong? Why the delay Dizzy?" Dizzy, "Dizzy not know. All sudden Dizzy spin stop." Montana seems perplexed at this, but confusion gives way to anger as his head begins to steam, readying himself for a yell out. Elmyra's voice stops a tantrum by the young millionaire. Elmyra, "Ewwwe! Look at all the pretty wurtty clouds! I want to take one home and love and hug it to death." She displays just how much she wants to on Furrball, who protests with a loud meow. Montana looks in the direction that Elmyra's voice came from, and lets out a loud gasp. Dizzy, taking a moment away from thinking why his spin went away, gasps as well at the sight before him. The view before the group seems to have come straight off the pages of a fantasy book. Thick clouds of fog float low over a grassy plain of reeds that are the length of seven feet. Multicolored miniature lightning dances from one fog cloud to the other. The noise of soft thunder, almost like the beating of a heart, is heard in the air. A beam of pure white light is the most significant feature on the horizon, heading straight for the heavens, its source is somewhere in the center of grassy plain. Montana, "Grovely! Get out the giggle counter." Grovely, "Yes, sir." Grovely puts down a huge backpack he was carrying and begins to rummage through it. Pulls out a surface to air stinger missile, an entire salad bar,(Dizzy begins chowing down immediately) chucks out an elephant, a duffel bag.(that says property of Bobby Fisher on it) Finally, Grovely yells, "Ah Ha!" and produces a silver box with a hand grip on the bottom, an Intel inside sticker is on its side. Montana grabs the box from Grovely, sending Grovely tumbling down from his mountainous pack, Montana begins to calibrate the device. The device is emitting sounds that sound familiarly like a tricorder from Star Trek, Montana swings it back and fourth in the direction of the light beam. Grovely, after dusting himself off, "Have you found what you are looking for master?" "Ha! No thanks to you! The emission of toonraid from the center is off the scale. Its conclusive that the deed is here." Elmyra, "Toonraid? Oooooh! What's that Monty Wonty?" Montana, "Look, I don't have time to explain it in dumb logic and besides, this stories getting way to long to take another two days." hands Elmyra a thick stack of papers, "So, read the script and find out for yourself." Elmyra looks at the script as if Montana just handed her an engagement ring. "Oh, I will Monty Wonty. In fact, I will read ahead just to find out if you win my little snooky wookums." Suddenly, an image of Moses carrying two stone slaps appears before the group, "Thou shalt not read a script for the sake of knowing what happens!" in a flash the bottom of the stack vaporizes along with Moses and both are no more. Dizzy, "Who that? BURP!!!" Before anyone can answer, a large shadow appears over the group. Everyone looks up and expressions of surprise and sheer terror are seen on faces. Montana, "ANVIL! RUN!!" The entire group begins to hop, skip, drag, and run away from the huge shadow that has just appeared around them. Dizzy attempts to spin, which Montana begins to curse the devil under his breath, suddenly Dizzy spins, sort of. The sounds of a stalled motor are first heard and as the devil begins his whirlwind, laundry of all kinds flys out from Dizzy. Montana would have dropped his mouth there if not for the falling doom. Needless to say, the entire group clears the flattening radius, but another surprise comes to their eyes. When the anvil hits it doesn't produce the sound of a large clang, but more of a, "Blumb!" and the entire anvil's being shudders and wiggles for a few seconds. Montana, "What in the name of tax deductions?" Montana walks up to the two story high anvil and gives it a kick. Once again the entire object shudders and wiggles, like, like....... Montana, "It's Jell-O!" Dizzy, "Jell-O! Yummy." Dizzy begins to spin, preparing to devour the entire anvil, also produces a storm of laundry that hits everyone in the group. Montana, "Stop it you meat headed nitwit." Dizzy stops and responds with a, "Huh!" having no idea what has happened, then suddenly sees the clothing and scratches his head at the sight. Montana, "Will someone please tell me what's going on?" "I have a theory sir." Grovely starts, "It seems that since our entrance into the Lost Woods an effect has occurred over toons and toon objects. Dizzy's laundry spin, a Jell-O anvil, all point to one conclusion. This Lost Woods alters toon physics." Montana, "Alter toon physics! Are you a melon head Grovely?" Grovely, "Let me demonstrate sir." Grovely pulls out a large sledgehammer from his pack. Quietly he creeps towards Dizzy, who is preoccupied on eating the Jell-O anvil, and brings it crashing down on Dizzy's foot. Dizzy, "M*&$##@%^&! $*(%^> Fifi" and wearing a shirt that says, "Skunks turn me on" with a picture of Fifi on it, "You've got a problem with that?!" Everyone stops and looks at the camera funny, then continues because of the gunshots coming from Montana behind them. Buster, "We've got to lose rich boy and fast, any ideas?" Hamton, "We need something to out run him with." Plucky, "Oh, like we're suppose to come up upon a jeep in the middle of this jungle." Almost on cue they come up on a jeep. "So sue me!" jumps in with Hamton and starts the vehicle, flooring it. It lurches forward and suddenly jumps up and drives on the grass as if the tips are the ground. The pair drives away, Hamton yelling at Plucky the whole time. "Stop Plucky! We've got to get the rest of the guys." "Hamton, I told you, we get the deed together and own this place." Buster, "Plucky! You double crossing water fowl!" Shirley, "Calm down blue boy, like we still got transportation." she points out a snowmobile, and a motorcycle (you pick the brand, I am not getting started) parked next to where the jeep was. Losing no time, you couldn't with Rambo Max on their tails, Shirley hops on the motorcycle and Buster and Babs take the snowmobile. Both vehicles pop up above the grass and ride on the tips, making good time and leaving Max in the dust. That is, until Max and Grovely pop up on a speed boat that cuts through the grass as if it were water. Montana, "Say your prayers rabbit!" fires the gun off again, is knocked to the back of the boat by the recoil. Grovely gets up from the steering wheel to help him, sending the boat into a 360 degree turn. Buster, "Ha! Lets see Montana catch up with us now." "Montana's the least of your worries Buster!" The voice is from Roddy Rat of Perfecto Prep, who is heading full speed at Buster and Babs on a motorcycle. Seven more Perfecto Preppies are behind him on motorcycles, looking like they came right out of a roadwarrior movie. Roddy drives right over the hood of Buster's snowmobile and flies overhead screaming, "Get those Acme Loo losers!" The next scenes are filled with fun-loving violence. Montana, trying to cream Buster as well as the new threat of Perfecto. Perfecto grabbing sticks, pies, and chains trying to get the Acme losers. Buster and Babs using their snowmobile as a ram and taking out many of the preppies. Shirley fries or levitates over everyone. Plucky and Hamton keep heading for the center, doing more fighting with each other over percentage ownership then with anyone else. The whole mass of fighters is slowly making its way towards the center. Buster hears a surprised, "Meow!" from below him and looks back to see Furrball crouched down after being surprised at seeing a snowmobile driving above. Fifi, "Je am almost finding vous mon little scentalman. There vous are!" This gets Furrball going again, running through the grass like a madman. Suddenly, a triumphant sound comes from Furrball, followed by the roar of an engine. Furrball pops up on top of the grass on a jetski, sticking his tongue out at Fifi on the ground with a saddening look on her face. Furrball breaths a sigh, and heads as far away from Fifi as fast as he can, which just happens to be towards the center. "Vous will not escape moi that easily mon petite pepperoni de passion!" Furrball looks back and lets out a scream along with all his hairs standing on end at the sight. Fifi is coming at him driving a monster truck, all the time blowing kisses and hinting at what she wants to do with Furrball from the cab. Furrball pulls full throttle, in a desperate hope of escape. The two cause quite a stir for everyone else, Furrball flying over or diving under anyone in his path. Fifi, following by crushing any vehicle in her way, leaving the former driver to search below for a new one. Soon, no one but the two lovers have their original vehicle. This goes on for some time, needless to say the most basic of toon logic happens, everyone ends up heading for everyone else. Too late, as they realize this screams are heard before an enormous, "KABOOM!" of an explosion. Furrball goes flying naked as a jaybird, having had all his fur singed from the explosion, at least twenty feet in the air. A sudden, "Poof!" is heard of Furrball's fur appearing in an instant on his body. He lands on solid marble with a loud, "Whomp!" As the dust settles, toons emerge from the rubble of the wreck, all are covered with ash and look tired, except Fifi, who is frantically searching for her lost lover. As they turn to where Furrball flew their jaws drop wide open and eyes pop out of heads. Buster, "My God!" Shirley, "What in the name of the three heavens is that?" Before all the toons, stands a monument forged from pure marble. Its base a huge chunk with steps leading up to columns arranged in a rectangle formation, like the Parthenon of Athens, except they have no ceiling to support. From the center of the structure, that towers five stories high, emits the source of the beam of light seen from the outside. From their vantage point, no one can see what the source is. Montana, "It's mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!" he screams running towards the monument, his flunkies follow suit. Dizzy starts a spin cycle of laundry to slow down the other two groups, but in the process slows down his own party, having no aim whatsoever. Montana breaks into a clearing, where the grass is at a normal cut length, and heads for the marble steps, knocking Furrball off in the process. Elmyra comes next and quickly recovers her dazed kitty in her crushing arms, then Dizzy, when as soon as he enters the clearing laundry stops flying. In fact as all the toons enter the clearing seemingly all toon physics are restored with the cleaning of soot and scrapes, as well as Shirley's aura slamming back into her being. No one notices at first, too busy pursuing Montana, followed by Buster then Roddy. Montana has gained a strong lead, being driven by greed, the promise of power and finally getting even with Buster. Quickly he comes up on the two columns that are the entrance to the inside, "It's mine! All of its mine!" he screams. Heading full force at the entrance nothing can stop Montana now from getting the deed as well as Acme Acres, nothing it seems until he crosses between the two towering pillars. An unseen barrier stops Montana dead in his tracks, then in a blinding flash of light Montana is seemingly plugged into a two-twenty line and thrown back down eight steps. Everyone stops dead, looking at the entrance now as a promise of pain, not of promotion. "So, you have finally made it!" a voice full of power booms above them, "About time too, I was going to order out for pizza if you took any longer." Shirley begins to shiver violently, "Babs, it's that same feeling I got from the telepathic message. Only like now it's mondo powerful here." "As it should be Loon girl," Babs and Shirley look up frightened, "for here is where I am centered." In the entrance two objects appear floating in the air, from a distance no one can see what they are, but as they approach their true form is revealed. Floating in the entryway are two solitary eyes that have no apparent body, they are greener then any emerald. "Welcome Tiny Toons, I am the Guardian to the deed of Acme Acres." the eyes suddenly glow brightly with power. All members of the parties approach the entrance and the eyes, some shaking at the sight of disembodiment. "Do not be afraid, this is not my true form. That shall be revealed when you are ready to take the tests." Montana, "Tests? The legend didn't say anything about any stinking tests!" "Ah, but Montana, rules change. You of all people should know that with as many times as you change rules on you competitors." Montana, "How do you know about my businesses?" "I know all about you Montana, but, at a later time. The rules are this, only one from each group, Montana's Morons, Perfecto Preppies, and Acme Loo Losers may enter." The eyes blink and glow, then pull back near the beam of light, beckoning three to enter. Montana wastes no time and quickly, but cautiously, steps through were once there was a barrier. Roddy is elected by the Perfectos, more by dictatorship, and Buster (who else) goes forward for Acme Loo. Montana doesn't miss a beat, runs for the light thinking he can get the deed and give the tests a brush off. A whirlwind from seemingly nowhere appears, picks up Montana and drops him on his head. "Next time Montana, I will just throw you and your party out of the Lost Woods!" Montana sits up, rubs his head and nods in understanding. Buster, "Well, we're here so how about something other then two eyeballs to look at." Roddy, "Yeah, like how about some hot chick!" "Hate to disappoint you Roddy, but I am male. So be it Buster, you are ready and so now look upon the form the deed created for its protection and no one has ever seen." The air around the eyes begins to snap and crackle with miniature lightning, a shape begins to fade in, giving an idea to the owners proportions. Although dim, but gaining sharpness with time, it appears as if a head is in front, then another body behind it, imaginations fire at the thought of a two-headed being. As the image sharpens it is seen that there is not an extra body behind it, but a huge tail, so large it is four body lengths long and has five times the mass of the body it is connected to. Details can be made out, muscular arms, legs and a well built body, built more for aggressive behavior and battle, the tail waves as if stirred up by some unseen wind. Now it is seen the being is floating a foot above the ground with little or no effort. The mouth and nose appear, that give clues to its species, but not until the fur comes through can a true identification be made. All details suddenly pop through, and miniature lightning is seen curling around the waving tail constantly. The beings nature surprises all and enthralls one, before all floats the form of a male skunk. He has the same fur coloration as Fifi's except, three bright white stripes go down his back and up his tail. "You were expecting a rabbit maybe?" he says to Buster. Fifi lunges against the barrier, wanting to grab this skunk hunk before he gets away. The barrier might as well be a solid steel wall for what all her efforts do, she tries using her tail as a spring to get more force. Eventually, her friends get her under control by holding onto her tightly, the Guardian pays her no attention, focused now on the three before him. Buster, "Do you have name? I mean, Guardian sounds kind of corny if you know what I mean." "I was given no name at my creation so gave myself one, Alex Redolence. That though is not important right now, what is important is determining who is worthy of the deed." Roddy, "Well, that is obvious, someone with such fine roots and cultivated tastes like me would be best. Sorry Buster, but class always wins out in the end." Alex, "The royalty of Spain had fine roots and class, yet it led them to become blubbering idiots because of inbreeding. The one who is worthy will not be judged of birth or rank, but what he is inside." Montana, "Yeah! Yeah! Lets get on with it! I'm not taking philosophy class you know!" Alex, "Then draw," before the trio appears in a flash, a block with three straws driven into it, "shortest goes first." Buster reaches before Montana can and pulls forth a foot long stick, Montana pulls out an inch long. Montana, "Ha! I go....." Roddy pulls out a quarter of an inch twig, "first?" Alex floats over to be in front of Roddy, eyes glowing, "Roddy Rat, representative of Perfecto Prep, face the first test." Alex raises his arms above his head, lightning crackling over his body as power builds around him. "Face your fear!" His arms come down, lightning and smoke rise from the ground and quickly a huge cobra, which seems to have the head of Buster Bunny, emerges from the ground. Roddy trembles before this visage of his most hated enemy, being one of the predators that eats rats. Cobra, "How sweet, Roddy meat!" It's too much for Roddy, he runs from the vision screaming bloody murder. The cobra quickly fades away, being replaced by Alex. Roddy runs through the entrance and would have kept on running if the other Perfectos hadn't stopped him. He won't look back no matter what. Alex, "The Perfectos fail. Get out!" with a wave of his hand all the Perfectos go flying over the Woods and clear back to their school. Alex, "And then there were two." turns to Max and Buster with a small grin on his face as he approaches Montana. "Montana Max, face your fear." snaps his fingers and all the toons find themselves in a church, a wedding seems to be taking place. Dizzy is the preacher, Buster the best man, Plucky, Hamton, and Calamity the bridegrooms. Babs, Shirley, and Fifi the bridesmaids and Montana, is the groom. An organ comes to life with Alex at the keys, he begins to sing. "Here comes the bride, all dressed in hides!" Elmyra Duff, starts her way down the aisle, dressed with Furrball who has been skinned along with other various pets in her gown. Montana screams and tries to get away, but finds his legs chained to the pulpit. A note tied to the chain says, "Don't worry snooky wookums, I still love you even though you got cold feet. ---Elmyra" Alex, "She squeezes all her pets to death and soon will be squeezing you." Montana looks for an escape. Buster? No, he'd never help him. Hamton? What can a pig do? Alex, "She wants to be with a man, she should be in a can. God, I hope they don't have kids I just had my lunch." Montana looks at the source of his fear, Elmyra. Suddenly, he sees her a little differently. Pouting red lips, fiery red hair. Montana, "Hmm, maybe she'd be a great wife. She's dum and easy to control and she'd never complain at what I do. Our kids might not be as ugly as gargoyles, with red hair and....." Alex, "That's enough!" stands up and snaps his fingers again. They find themselves back at the deed's monument. "I was trying to see if you could face your fear, not if you can make me sic." Everyone is looking at Montana as if he's the antichrist himself, except Elmyra who has hearts in her eyes and is smiling. Montana, "I passed your test, now give me number two!" Alex, "As you wish, Mr. Elmyra," winks at Montana getting him steamed, "face yourself!" Alex balls his hand, his fist charges with energy, then releases a glowing ball of energy sending his arm back in a recoil. The ball nails Montana in the chest, then passes through his body and out his back. Behind Montana the ball stops and materializes into a pale image of Montana, the being begins to speak. Pale Montana, "Why doesn't anybody like me?" the image speaks cowardly, "I'm not that bad and I am nice once you get to know me. Just because I am rich doesn't mean I'm bad." Montana, "What is this!?" Alex, "This is what you truly are Max, don't you recognize your own words?" motions to the pale image. Pale Montana, "Come back bunny, I won't hurt you. Fine! I'll make sure you never have another happy moment in your life ever!" Montana, "That's impossible! I only thought those words, I never said them!" Alex, "What goes on upstairs, can reveal what is truly inside." Montana, "No! No! Noooooooooooo!" runs screaming from the place and passes right through his pale image, trying to rip it apart. "That's not me, I am more then that!" Alex, "Montana fails." another wave of the hand sends Montana's group from the woods. "Well, it appears Bugs's chosen champ shall be the deciding factor." Buster, "What do you mean? I win by default, no one's left," waving his arms around, "I win." Alex, "Don't try your rabbit tricks with me Blue Boy! The only one who deserves the deed is a toon that knows himself as well as his own purpose." approaches Buster, "I don't want to worry you Buster, but if you don't win, the deed shall vanish forever as well as Acme Acres." Buster looks at Alex unbelieving at this, Alex shows no response, as if not even caring. Alex, "Are you ready, are should I have another tiny toon take your place?" Buster, "I'm not afraid, show me what I fear the most skunk!" Alex snaps his fingers once again, and everything turns bright white. Buster comes out of the daze and surveys his surroundings, he is in a funeral parlor, and a big one too. Five caskets are set up, the lids open in the traditional last rites, the corny music they play to try and wake the dead plays overhead. Buster approaches and looks in the closest one to him and sees, Plucky! Looking in the other ones he sees Hamton, Shirley, Babs and Fifi in the rest. Buster, "Nice illusion Alex, but it will take more then this to scare me." Alex suddenly materializes next to Buster, "What illusion Buster? I have control over life and death," snaps his fingers again and Fifi begins to breath and her eyes snap open. He snaps them again and Fifi jerks in the casket then a dull glaze covers her eyes. "as you can see." Buster swings at Alex, but hits an unseen forcefield around him, Alex is still unemotional about all this. Buster goes to Bab's casket and tears begin to form in his eyes, he had so many things he wanted to tell her, to do with her. Now it would never happen, now only dust would become of it, he cries freely and strongly. He looks over at her killer and sees something that surprises him, Alex is directly over Fifi's casket. He appears to be contemplating something, his tail waving back and forth furiously. Suddenly he stops, shakes his head and turns and looks at Buster with the same unemotional look on his face. Buster, "So I am afraid of losing Babs and my friends, so what? Isn't everybody? I won't kill myself because of it, Babs would never want me to do that, but I won't let them be forgotten. Give me the next test!" Alex, "It's good thing they are dead, for they shouldn't see this truth about you." he motions to the area behind Buster. Buster turns around and drops his jaw as well as popping his eyes out, and soon becomes angry. Buster, "I'm more then that!" Alex, "Are you sure Buster? Just because Montana's inside was a scared and neglected child doesn't mean your the same thing. Look at it Buster!" grabs Buster's head and turns it in the direction he was looking at before, "That! Is what you are inside. That! Was what you were created from and dust is what you'll end up like because of it!" Buster looks long and hard at the visage before him, shudders, then gets a determined and angry look on his face. "I may be that Alex, but unlike Montana I do not deny it and I will change what I am. Give me the final test!" Alex, "They will see if you can change, but you do pass." snaps his fingers once again. The same flash and back at the monument, Buster finds his back is to the light beam and is now facing his friends. He breaths a sigh of relief, he wants to run to Babs hold her and kiss her, telling her how he truly feels. "No!" he thinks to himself, "I must win this deed." Alex, "We shall see if you can win," starts to float behind Buster, "and see just what kind of cartoon you really are. The third and last test, face the truth." Alex does nothing, but for the first time comes down from his levitation and lands on the marble. He stands up to Buster, the same height, and takes a deep breath and begins to speak. "Riddle me this Buster, I am large, I am small. I am colorful, I am dull. I live on the earth, I live on smirks. I make people forget their troubles, I bring people laughter. I am evil, I am good. I am creative, I am dull. I am a villain, I am a hero. I love writers, I hate censors. I am forever, I am for the moment. What am I?" Buster stands there contemplating, "A tough one, huh?" his friends start to shout at him. Everybody, "Its a cooperate executive! Its drugs! It's a three headed gorilla clad monster from the planet Nimrod!" everyone looks at Plucky who said the last one, "What? My guess is as good as yours." Buster stands there a moment thinking, Alex begins to sing the theme song from Jeopardy, thoughts of the advice Bugs gave him over the years tumble through his mind. None are any good, his head smokes and pounds from the overuse. Then the strangest phrase pops through his mind, "......see just what type of cartoon you really are." A huge glowing lightbulb appears above Buster head. Buster, "You're a toon." Alex, "Such an easy answer that even a child would guess it, but it is the right one." he turns and raises his arm to the beam of light, "The deed is yours." with that the huge beam that had been in the center raises far into the sky. Along with it, the fog that once covered the Lost Woods dissipates and light shines on the blades of grass. The barrier disappears as well, and all of Buster's friends rush in congratulating the young bunny. All that is except Fifi, who had been balled and chained to keep her from banging against the barrier, everyone in their excitement forgot about her. She now sits thinking weather to chew off her leg, or try to chew through the chain. She looks at the lock, then her eyes light up with an idea. Before all the toons is the deed, a golden parchment floating by itself, it moves to the toons and addresses them. "Very good Buster, I think that Chuck and Friz would be proud that people still know toons are made for laughter." Buster pulls out a pen, "And now lets call it a wrap." moves to sign the deed but Plucky blocks his hand. Plucky, "Wait a minute Buster, who said your the one to sign it." Hamton, "Yeah, I mean wasn't Bugs suppose too?" Shirley, "Gag me with a spoon Hamton, Bugs didn't do like a thing to get it. We should all own Acme Acres." Babs, "I don't know Shirley, I can't even hardly balance my checkbook let alone own property." this continues between them for awhile until a loud, "VIOLA!" is heard. They look back to see Fifi is out of her chains. Fifi, "Love will find le way!" she begins to advance on Alex who is paying no attention, only looking at the toons and the deed, thinking. A loud voice booms overhead startling everyone. "IF I CAN'T HAVE THE DEED, THEN NO ONE WILL!" it is Montana in a large army chopper, underneath is a large bomb that says, "ACME NUKES, surplus of Russia" on it. "See you in heck rabbits! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" With that, the bomb is dropped and Montana flys away, everyone looks up seeing their impending judgment coming at them, all that is except a certain Guardian. Alex, "Finally! Escape!" his tail glows with power, lighting the white highlights to spotlight intensity, and begins to wrap its whole mass around his body counter-clockwise. Deed, "ALEX! NOOOOOOOO!" Too late, whatever the guardian skunk was doing he does it, the tail begins to unwrap clockwise, and Alex screams one word, "AVONREPUS!" his whole being glows to the point he becomes a living star. The huge shockwave of power soon follows, coming out in all directions from Alex it harms nothing, until it gets outside the boundaries of the marble monument. From there the grass and ground below flows upward like a huge wave, disintegrating on the way up. The huge hemisphere above evaporates the nuke like flash paper, and the whole dome of power keeps expanding. Soon, from outside the woods the inhabitants of Acme Acres see what looks like the start of a mushroom cloud, Bugs fears the worse. The dome keeps expanding until it touches the edge of the woods and destroys the trees on the edge as well. Then the huge dome pauses, shivers for a moment, then quickly reverses its direction on itself quickly. In half the time it took it to expand the dome rushes back to its origin, with such force into Alex his body bucks and shakes from the strain. Finally, it stops, Alex stands for a moment, looks forward, and grins to himself. His body collapses to the ground belly first, his tail falls to the ground after him like a feather, then all with him is still. Deed, "Darn you Alex! Darn you!" a glow forms below everyone, and lifts them quickly to a hundred feet above the monument. From there the toons see the entire Lost Woods has been destroyed, they begin to fly at a dizzy rate towards the City of Acme Acres. Buster, "What did he do?" Deed, "Isn't it obvious, he is trying to kill himself." Shirley, "Like why would he do that, he like has mondo extreme things to live for." Deed, "I am to blame for that. When I created him he had no conscience and was never to have one, only be a unthinking protector, but he learned too quickly. So quickly that he became conscience of himself as well as the world. I was surprised and even became attached and friends with him, but it wasn't enough, he wanted more. To explore the world and see people, not drive them away. As a guardian he couldn't explore past the woods, and so he dived into loneliness." Babs, "Why didn't you just create a new guardian?" Deed, "It took almost all the power I had to create him, I didn't have enough to create another. I tried to tell him that soon someone would claim me, I thought when Buster succeeded he would understand that, I don't know what went wrong." They continue, flying down the streets of the City of Acme Acres and right to the Acme Acres Memorial Hospital. Entering everybody begins to scream, "Code Blue!" having been informed telepathically by the deed of their coming. Alex is quickly flopped onto a cot, almost instantaneously is hooked to a heart monitor, it gives one, "Bing!" then goes flatline. "Clear!" No response, not even a jolt from the heart jumper cables. The struggle goes on for minutes, doctors shaking their heads and saying things like, "I don't understand it! It's like he doesn't want to come back." A light bulb pops above Shirley's head, "Deed, like I got an idea." Deed, "What is it Shirley?" Shirley, "Like I heard there is like a waiting room for powerful beings can like mondo wait in when dying. It will take a lot but I heard one can send their soul in and bring another out." Deed, "Then do it, but be careful, we don't need two dead toons." Shirley nods and sits down cross legged before her friends can say anything to her. In another vision, Shirley's soul comes out of her body and begins to float in a strange world. She would have to hurry, in this world, that only appears when powerful beings die, her powers were only shielding, and the atmosphere ate slowly at them. All is pitch black, only her soul and powers provide illumination, she turns around and gasps at the true shape of Alex's powers. Compared to her sphere of power, Shirley is but a meteorite and Alex is an entire solar system, but his sphere is slowly fading as he is already dead. She shakes the awe off and dives to the center of the sphere. Going through she feels powers and abilities far beyond anything she'd imagine or would ever gain. In the exact center is Alex, surrounded by a shell of pure energy, he stands waiting, then suddenly turns sensing the loon's presence. Alex, "What are you doing here?" Shirley, "I like wanted to earn some brownie points and save your life." Alex, "I don't want to be saved, I will never go back to an isolated life of guardianship!" Shirley, "Like what are you talking about? The deeds like going to be signed and you can live your own life then. There's even like a female skunk I know that will mondo help you live it." she tries to bribe him, sensing he already made up his mind about death. Alex, "No, that's not what will happen, didn't you see how you and your friends acted around the deed. Fighting and bickering over who is worthy, who is most deserving, the deed would eventually have went into hiding again with me as its protector." makes a slashing motion with his hand, "I will not go back to that!" Shirley, "We like will decide who will get to sign it, it's not over for you because of that." Alex doesn't look convinced and turns his back on her, "Try and trust me Alex, I like can't stay here any longe......" Her voice is cut off, Alex turns back to her and sees two devils with arms wrapped around her. Devils, "Ahah, ha, ha! We have another soul to deliver to our master." they begin to carry Shirley's soul off. Alex, "No! I'm the one dying here, not her!" Devils, "Sorry Alex, but we would have to wait too long to claim your soul. Stay around if you like, and we'll claim yours as well. Don't even think about saving her because you can't stop us, your powers are to no avail here." they walk off with Shirley laughing at the irony. Alex takes in a deep breath as if tired, and speaks, "Wrong demons, there is one thing I can do." he begins to rush out of the world. Devils, "No! She's ours Alex, we have property rights on her!" Alex, "We shall just see who claims who." Back in the real world, Shirley is dead, the doctors walk away some crying at the loss, others saying, "My retirement fund is going to be dead if word gets out about this." The toons are gathered above Shirley's body, Buster and Babs crying and holding each other. Plucky bawling hysterically and pounding at the floor, Hamton is trying to comfort him. Fifi has rolled herself into a ball and is crying and yelling in so much French no one can understand her. Behind the toons lays Alex's body, the deed floats over it, still and motionless Alex is, the deed turns to tend to the living. Alex's heart monitor springs to life, "Bing! Bing! Bing!" everyone turns as the sound becomes a fever pitch. Lightning curls around the tip of his tail and quickly rushes up his body, stopping around his eyes. The green orbs snap open, full of vigor, and Alex springs up ripping the many probes out of his body. "No loon, my life isn't worth that much." He springs from his cot and flys to Shirley, he takes her in his arms and wraps his tail around both of them four times. Power exchanges from Alex to Shirley, her heart monitor springs to life, her eyes open full of life. Shirley, "Whoa, like mondo near death experience." she seems to be recovering, then snaps ridged, "Alex, they followed me" Alex, "I know Shirley, I know." he begins to unwrap his tail from her, at the doorway to the lobby a portal appears, and eight demons step through. Alex stands in front of the toons, preparing himself for what is coming. A huge demon standing ten feet tall, looking like the one from the movie Legend, steps through the portal. Large demon, "Alex, you had no right to interfere with my business." his voice is raspy and filled with death. Alex, "You had no right to take someone who was not dead, Death!." Death, "I don't have time for this, destroy them!" the little demons all release power from their hands at the group. Alex stands his ground and raises his arm palm out, the beams of power hit an unseen barrier in front of the toons. Alex, "Sorry Death, but it isn't going to be that easy." Death, "Get them!" the little demons start to rush forward, Alex runs to meet them and the theme music from Mortal Combat begins to play. Alex's skills come out immediately, he kicks one demon in the face, knocks another off his feet with his tail. Shirley charges up and fries one demon while Buster and Babs begin shooting a pie canon. Plucky and Hamton dawn their Batduck costumes and join in the battle, only to trip on each others capes and miss being hit by a swing from a demon. Fifi is charged by another, and releases her noxious fumes on it, the demon stands for a minute, inhales all the vapors and swallows. He laughs at her futile attempt and keeps advancing. Fifi backs away and fires again and again to no avail, the demon grins and licks his lips at the new soul he will feast upon. Alex, sensing Fifi's fear, somersaults in between her and the demon, and pokes out the demon's eyes with two fingers. The demon backs away holding his hands over his eyes screaming, Alex hands Fifi a large mallet and tells her to have fun. He then jumps again into the mist of the battle, spins knocking four demons down with his tail, a large, "SPLAT!" is heard of Fifi smashing the demon into a pancake. Fifi looks at Alex with a look now that says, "He saved me!" Before Alex is a demoness, (a female demon) after seeing what he did to the four demons she says, "You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?" Alex quickly jacks her in the nose knocking her out. Alex, "You can't act like a banshee and expect to be treated like a lady." and continues fighting the demons around him. Hamton and Plucky finally get their act together and have pulled out, "Acme Super Glue Guns" and begin to stick demon's hooves to the floor. Buster, Babs, and Fifi all flatten them thinner then a dime. Death, "You just can't find good help these days, oh well. None of you can defeat me though." Alex, "Wrong!" he comes in with a flying kick and knocks Death off his feet, Death comes up quickly annoyed. Alex slashes with his tail, Death dodges, then Alex brings his tail straight down in front of him. Death jumps backward to avoid it, the tail pierces the concrete floor and creates a hole that knocks Death off his feet. He pulls out a lightsaber like sword and stands up, "Die fly!" Death's sword comes down, on another lightsaber that Alex is holding. Alex, "Un guard!" the sword play begins, great parries, thrust, and blocks. The two combatants lock swords and begin a test of strength. The swords sway back and forth, one winning then the other, then the swords sway to the far right and off the set. They both slash through a camera on the outside of the hospital set. Cameraman, "Hey! That camera costs twenty grand!" Death, "Make him pay for it," pointing at Alex, "he can just snap his fingers and have a new one." Alex, "Oh yeah! Well, so many people have bribed you I bet you have plenty of spare change laying around." Death, "Why you little upstart!" he swings again and is blocked again, everyone is now watching the two like a Ping-Pong match. Plucky is betting on the match along with other members of the camera crew, who also brought popcorn that everyone is eating. Plucky in front of the camera, "I got twenty on Death," to the viewers, "anyone want to match me out there on Alex?" Alex and Death, "Hey! We're trying to have a dual here, do you mind!" Pluck, "What?! Are you kidding? I'm going to make as much money on this fight as I can, if I win it will be a lot more then Steven will ever pay me." Both Alex and Death look at each other, charge their fists and let loose beams of energy that vaporize the duck, leaving behind only his bill. Alex, "Shall we continue?" Death, "Why that's a splendid idea!" The two continue the battle, then in a wonderful parry they both lose their swords. Death doesn't miss a beat and grabs Alex by the throat, flinging him against the nearest wall. A line of gasps is heard from the audience. Death, "It has been fun Alex, but now it is at an end. Any last requests before I take your soul?" Alex struggles to speak because of the huge hand over his throat, "Just one thing," Death loosens his grip to hear him better, "you forgot about something." Death, "And what is that?" Alex, "I have a tail." quickly he wraps his tail around Death's legs, an, "Oh Oh" look appears on Death's face. With all of Alex's might he knocks Death off his feet and on his back, Alex jumps on the juggernauts chest and brings his fists to maximum power. Alex, "Do you yield scum?" Death looking at the glowing fists carefully, "You win this time," a disheartened Plucky bill yells, "What!" Death, "but one day I will win against you." Alex, "One day yes, but not today. Now leave!" he yells with a snap. Death vanishes along with the defeated demons in a flash, and Alex lands on the ground below and stands. All the toons run over to Alex, including Plucky who finally got his body back, and congratulate the young skunk. Fifi tries her best to push past her friends to get close to Alex. Alex disappears in a flash, appearing next to the deed. Alex, "We have something to figure out deed." Fifi turns and advances in the new direction. Deed, "Shirley told me what you said to her and you are right. None of them have the dedication to me and what I stand for, they only see advancing their own status." Babs begins to speak but Buster shushes her. Deed, "I do know someone who is loyal, and understanding of the responsibility that comes with ownership of Acme Acres. I just hope he has the courage to accept the challenge." Alex looking down, "I never wanted to be this! I only wanted to explore the world and learn from it when I became conscience." Deed, "You still can Alex, but as long as I am unsigned Acme Acres is still at risk of being owned by someone who doesn't respect it. Even the great ones, Bugs and Buster only see me as a way to gain god-like stardom in the world. I was created by people who wanted to relieve the misery of others with laughter, not to be famous." Alex lets out a deep sigh, looks up and straightens his back and takes in a deep breath, a pen appears in his left hand. Quickly he signs his name on the bottom of the mystic parchment before he changes his mind. The deed glows and says, "It is done." all the toons gasp and drop mouths, performing wild takes as well, now looking upon the owner of Acme Acres. All that is except Fifi, who now springs to grab and enwrap the skunk hunk, Alex snaps his fingers again. Buster wakes up with a start in his bed, he is breathing deeply and sweating profusely. He looks around his dark room and sees his clock saying, "2:00 a.m." shakes his head to wake up. Buster, "What a dream! Last time I mix carrot juice, radish juice, and passion fruit together." holds his head with the oncoming headache. Buster, "What was I thinking, I mean Warner Brothers would never create or allow a character like that." he settles back down trying to fall asleep. Not a single sound is heard in the room. A floating image of Alex's head suddenly appears above Buster's bed, "Don't bet on it Blue Boy!" the image vanishes. Buster sits back up in his bed, looking at the camera with saucer sized eyes, iris out on Buster's head. THE END? Well, there you are, I hope you enjoyed it and I would like to thank HKUriah for posting it for me. Additional thanks to him for giving me the fifty cent Tiny Toons history lessons, "IOU" and pointing out the errors I had in the story. For those of you that have no idea what to do right now: THINGS TO DO AFTER READING THIS STORY: 1: Start a protest on, "PLACE NOUN HERE". 2: Disassemble your computer into its individual atoms and try to put it back together.(It's fun, I tried it!) 3: Find out what that degauss button does on your monitor. 4: Go on-line and try to find someone more messed up then you are. 5: Pick any word out of a huge dictionary and see if someone has a homepage on it. 6: Put an ad in the paper that says you want to breed with people's pets, and see who responds. 7: Write an obscene letter to the president, governor, etc.(This gets a load of laughs!) 8: Write your own fan-fiction. 9: Offer to perform brain surgery on your friend for free (Don't believe them if they say they don't need it) 10: Hold up a convenience store, then say it was a joke when the police come.(Tell me how jail was when you do) END LEGAL NOTE: The character Alex Redolence is my creation and copyright Jeremy J. Jurrens, 1996. Watch me get in trouble for saying that! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE MORE AMBITIOUS RECIPE FOR FUDGE BROWNIES 1/2 cup butter or margarine 2 squares (2 ounces) unsweetened chocolate 1 cup sugar 2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla 3/4 cup all purpose flour 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional) Grease an 8x8x2-inch baking pan. Melt butter and chocolate. Remove from heat; stir in sugar. Add eggs and vanilla; beat lightly just till combined (don't overbeat or brownies will rise too high, then fall). Stir in flour and nuts. Spread batter in pan. Bake in a 350 degrees oven for 30 minutes. Cool. Cut into bars. Makes 16. Taken from Better Homes and Gardens cook book. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive ----Bugs Bunny