"THE TOONY WAY" A Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama in 13 Chapters by Lee M. Withers (lmwithers@mailcity.com) -0- THE SCENE: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of the mind. Because of the broadcast of the President's latest denial, we now join "Acme Riders Internet Radio Theater," already in progress... ...which is just as well, because it wasn't all that funny anyway... ...for that matter, neither was the opening sketch. (JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING" begins playing another upbeat, yet strangely familiar polka on his Stomach Steinway as the voice that sold a million baby chicks, TEXAS BIX BENDER, steps up to the microphone behind a podium with a large "Lay or Bust!" chicken feed logo on it, at center stage.) TEXAS BIX: Stay with us, Toonatics and Cyberpals, we'll be right back! We continue with the National Cartoon Polka Countdown, Warner Bros. Division, and survey song #9, the "Road Runner..." ALL: (Shouting at the tops of their lungs) ...POLKA!!! (JOEY plays the old "Road Runner" theme polka style, while the audience joins in on the "Beep! Beep!" part, and sing "Road Runner, the coyote's after you, Road Runner, if he catches you, you're through" chorus. The polka ends, Joey smiles, takes a bow while the audience chant "Jo-EY! Jo-EY! Jo-EY!", and Texas Bix returns to the mike.) TEXAS BIX: Welcome back, Cyberpals and Toonatics, you're staring at "Acme Riders Internet Radio Theater!" (RIDERS IN THE SKY - Ranger Doug, Too Slim and Woody Paul - moo the NBC Chimes.) (MUSIC: Serial Theme up and under.) TEXAS BIX: And now, "Acme Riders Internet Radio Theater" presents the ongoing saga of "The Cowboy Way." Tonight, at long last, Episode 5 of the exciting SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way"! As faithful readers with long-term memories will no doubt recall... ...The Tiny Toons are in shock, Bugs Bunny is in mourning, Buster Bunny is holed up in a bunkhouse, and America's Favorite Cowboys, Riders In The Sky, are wondering what's gonna happen next... RIDERS: (In unison) What's gonna happen next? TEXAS BIX: See? It's all because The Sweetest Fembunny In All Toondom, Honey Bunny, took a nasty fall back at the end of Episode 3... some 2000 feet off the famed Lloyd Bridges, which had inexplicably collapsed and sent her tumbling into the rapid rushing waters of the mighty Joan Rivers (the river with the biggest mouth in all of Tumbleweed County)... HONEY: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (SFX: SPLASH!!!) TEXAS BIX: ...not to mention her horse. (SFX: Terrified horse's whinny, and an even louder SPLASH!!!) After the Toons - Babs and Buster Bunny, Mary Melody and Plucky Duck - failed to find Honey and her horse, Riders In The Sky, aided by High Sheriff Drywall Paul, mounted an exhaustive search all week long, without turning up a single trace of the beloved bunny... not to mention her horse. And then in our last episode, as you will _also_ no doubt recall, a young Native American woman, alerted by the behavior of her horse, followed the river near her encampment in a little-known part of a little-known forest on the very outskirts of Tumbleweed County, only to make an amazing discovery: a small Palomino mare was struggling to pull something - or _someone_ - out of the water! Immediately, the young woman jumped into the river and, after several tense minutes, pulled out a small, nearly drowned figure in a shredded pink blouse and tattered blue jeans. After administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and heart massage, the barely 3 ft. figure began breathing on her own, and that was when the young Native American woman made yet another, even MORE amazing discovery: THE GIRL: Hey, THIS isn't a person! It's... it's... it's a... (MUSIC: Dramatic accordion sting) TEXAS BIX: ...and now, Episode 5 of "The Toony Way," entitled - and friends and neighbors, I _really_ can't believe I'm readin' this out loud, much less readin' it at all... (PLUCKY DUCK stands impatiently by, tapping his foot while Joey sustains the suspenseful accordion sting) PLUCKY: What? What? (Accordion comes to a stop.) TEXAS BIX: ..."PLUCKY FINDS A CLUE!" (Brief silence while Plucky stares blankly at Texas Bix, then says...) PLUCKY: ...Sir? (Two amusing accordion notes [A and E flat] follow.) ########################################################### Nestled in a little-known part of the West, in a section of the Grand Croutons, lies Tumbleweed Valley. Here in this timeless place, the Old West still lives with all its charm, and (admittedly) some of its quirks. It's also the home of America's Favorite Cowboys, Riders In The Sky: Too Slim (a man aging like fine cheese), Woody Paul (The King of the Cowboy Fiddlers), and Ranger Doug (The Idol of American Youth). It's to their home corral, Famed Old Harmony Ranch, that the Tiny Toons and Bugs and Honey Bunny had unexpectedly arrived, you'll recall. It was at the Riders' invitation that our wayward toon travelers agreed to spend part of their summer vacation with them, little expecting the tragedy that befell Honey at the end of Episode 3. Feeling a responsibilty to the Toons, Riders In The Sky, encouraged by Ranger Doug's unshakable belief that it's impossible to kill a toon, plan to mount an even more exhaustive search for Honey come the next morning. It's the night before that next morning as our saga continues, as each of the Riders are putting the final pre-search touches on what will certainly be a mammoth undertaking: the search for Honey Bunny... each, of course, in their _own_ way. In one room of the large ranchhouse, Woody Paul and the old sidekick's sidekick, Side Meat, have gathered and are now making a final inventory on every possible bit of exploratory gear they could possibly need... (MUSIC: Accordion segue) "All right, Side Meat, let's go over this one more time," Woody declared. "Compasses?" "Check!" confirmed the grizzled old sidekick. "Ropes?" "Check! Myah-whew!" "Personal floatation devices?" "Eh... how's that again?" "Life preservers." "Oh, well, why didn't ya say so?" "I _DID_ say so!" "Huh... OH! Check!" "Inflatable rubber boats?" "Check and double-check!" Then Side Meat appeared lost in thought. "Say, Woody, ain't we gonna draw up any maps?" "Slim's takin' care of that. Our job is to make sure we got all the equipment." "Oh." Side Meat paused slightly, before grumbling half to himself, "All this fuss over a cartoon rabbit, why don't he just draw him another girlfriend to take her place? Whew!" Woody looked sternly at him. "I don't think from the way Bugs has been moping around here that that'd be an option he'd consider. And besides, I still think it's all your fault for lobbing those biscuits of yours at her in the first place!" "Well, I..." Then Side Meat stopped in mid-thought, as his attention was focused on the equipment piled in front of him. "Say! There's a loose thread on one of these here rubber rafts." And so saying, he reached down to pull it off. All of a sudden, Woody realized what was about to happen. "No, Side Meat, don't pull..." (SFX: Inflatable life raft suddenly inflating, much to Woody's chagrin.) "...that," Woody grimaced, pinned by the liferaft to one side of the room. "Sorry... ahem..." Side Meat replied, pinned by the raft to the other side. (MUSIC: Comical yet ironic accordion sting) ...Meanwhile, The Idol of American Youth, Ranger Doug, has not been idle; in fact, at this moment he's pacing in his large, fleece-lined bunkhouse, grappling with what is turning out to be a most difficult choice... one that could well turn out to be one of the most crucial he's ever had to make... "(Sigh)... Decisions, decisions... it's not easy being 'The Idol of American Youth'," Ranger Doug said to himself. "The success or failure of this venture could well hinge on the choice I have to make. Honey Bunny's safe return may depend on what I choose to do in the next few minutes..." (MUSIC: Suspenseful yet tension-filled accordion sting) ...and while we leave Ranger Doug pondering the choice that he alone can make, as he paces thoughtfully in his large fleece-lined bunkhouse, in yet another bunkhouse a silver-haired, bespectacled bunkhouse bass player sits alone at a large table, maps, grids, protractors and other assorted tools of the mapmaker in front of him. And off to one side of that table, a framed picture of The Sweetest Fembunny In All Toondom, provided by the Tiny Toons, serves as a reminder to Too Slim of the task that lies ahead... "Now, let's see," Slim mutters to himself, "have I remembered to 'X' out the areas we've already searched?" He peruses the giant map in front of him when his thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the bunkhouse door. "It's open," he calls out. The lanky fiddle player in the fringe- decorated shirt, Woody Paul, comes in, mumbling under his breath about the stupidity of some camp cooks and rubber life rafts. "What was that again?" a puzzled Slim asked. "Oh, nothin' important. Say, it sure looks like you've been burnin' the midnight kerosene." "Yeah," Slim agreed, "but if we can find Honey, then it'll be worth it." He paused for a moment. "Hey, Woody, do you _really_ think Ranger Doug's right, and Honey may still be alive? I mean, I know you're not supposed to be _able_ to kill a cartoon character, but..." "I'm really not sure, Slim. I'm not up on my 'toon physics,' but you see them fallin' off cliffs an' gettin' clobbered by falling anvils and all sorts of stuff like that, and they keep comin' back for more, so, who knows?" "That's true enough, Woody, but has Honey ever _been_ in an animated cartoon?" Woody paused to consider the question momentarily. "Now that you mention it, Slim, I don't think she ever has." "So, theoretically, she could be more vulnerable than your normal Looney Tune?" "Forgetting for the moment the oxymoronic nature of that question, Slim, that just may be. But, like I say, who ever said Looney Tunes were normal?" Slim considered this. "True," he finally agreed, as Woody Paul headed for the door. "Well, I'm gonna hit the sack, pardner, see ya bright and early tomorrow morning." "Right you are, Woody, see you at 7." That made Woody stop at the door. "Oh, no, Slim, we're not gettin' up at 7." "We... we're not?" "Nope. Ranger Doug says we need to take advantage of every bit of daylight we can get, so we'll be gettin' our wake-up yodel at 6:00." "6? Well, I can see his point... I guess that's the kind of thinking that's made him The Idol of American Youth... 6:00... I guess I can work with that... I guess..." "That's the spirit, Slim," Woody said, smiling as he left. "G'night." "Y..yeah, goodnight, Woody," he replied with a slight yawn; then he returned to his maps. "Now, let me see... if I..." Another knock on the door derailed his train of thought. "Come in," Slim sighed, as the tall, stoic figure known as Ranger Doug entered. "Hey, Slimbo, how are the maps coming?" "Oh, just fine, Ranger Doug, have a look." The Ranger studied the maps Slim had laid out before him, giving each one careful consideration. "Hmmm, not bad, Slim. Very thorough... say, Slim, I need your advice on something..." Almost immediately, Slim perked up. "Wow!" he thought to himself, "'The Big Guy' is asking ME for advice! Me, the guy who always gets stuck doing the messy stuff in these serials while he stands around and looks heroic! Me, the bunkhouse bass player! Me, the king of the varmint dances! Me, the..." "Uh, Slim?" "Yes, Ranger Doug?" "You seemed to be off on a different plane there for a moment. Maybe I should ask Woody..." "No! I mean, what is it you needed, Ranger Doug?" Slim asked, slightly regaining some composure (but not much). "Well," The Ranger sighed, "this may be the toughest task we've ever undertaken, and there's no guarantee that it'll come out the way we'd like it to..." "Meaning, we might not find Honey alive..." "Exactly, Slim. I don't want to get the Toons' hopes up, just in case. So, tell me..." Ranger Doug stepped outside for a second, then returned with two neatly pressed outfits in hand, "...which do you think I should wear? The red outfit with the 'Mexicali Rose' motif, or the tried-and-true 'Good Guy White' outfit?" Slim stared at Ranger Doug. "Huh?" "I mean, if we find Honey and she's no longer living, I don't want my wardrobe to appear inappropriate. After all, a hero's wardrobe should _always_ reflect on the situation." Slim tried to stifle an exasperated sigh. "Well," he said, "my first rule of cowboy fashion has always been, 'Wear whatever works,' you know that," while he thought to himself, 'After 20 years, when he finally asks my advice, it's on his wardrobe? Unbelievable...' "'Wear whatever works'... hm, sound advice, Slim. I guess it's that kind of thinking that's made you the Idol of Off-center Bass Players. Thanks a lot!" So saying, Ranger Doug, wardrobe in hand, headed out the door. "See you in the morning, Slim!" he called over his shoulder. "Huh? Oh, yeah, right, Ranger Doug. See you at 6," Slim called back. Ranger Doug stopped in his tracks and re-entered the bunkhouse. "6? Oh, no, Slim, there's been another change in plans," The Ranger said, smiling. "Th... there has?" Slim asked weakly. "Yes. You know we'll want to take advantage of every possible amount of daylight available..." "Sure..." "So, that's why you'll be getting your wake-up yodel at 5:00." Slim's eyes nearly dropped out of his head. "F... fi... Five?" "Well, yes, Slim... is there a problem with that?" "Problem? Oh, no, not at all, Ranger Doug, five is doable, I guess I can work with that..." the now-tired bass player fibbed half-heartedly. "Great! That's the spirit, Slim! It's not the easy way, but it's..." Slim yawned. "I know... it's The Cowboy Way..." "Right! See you at 5, Slim!" And with that, Ranger Doug and his wardrobe were gone, leaving Slim slumping forward slightly. Breathing a heavy sigh, he ran his hands through his once-plentiful silver hair. "Oh, man, 5:00? What in the name of all that's sane..." Just then, _another_ knock on the door interrupted his thoughts... which, at this point, were about _anything_ but The Cowboy Way. He glared at the door. "If you're coming back to tell me we're getting up at 3..." he growled. The decidedly young female voice on the other side of the door replied hesitantly, "Umm..if this is a bad time, Slim, I can always come back..." "Huh?" The now-startled bass player ran to the door, opened it, and was surprised to see... "Mary?" The pretty black teen toon known as Mary Melody sighed. "I couldn't sleep, Slim, and I saw your light was still on, and we didn't see you at dinner..." "Dinner? What are you talking about, Mary? It's only..." Then Slim looked at his watch. "Oh, NO! It's almost MIDNIGHT! I've been working so hard on these maps that I didn't even notice the time! But, then again, it was Side Meat's cooking, so I guess I didn't miss much..." Then something else caught his attention. "Say, Mary, what's that tray you're holding?" She smiled and handed it to him. "You've got to promise not to tell Side Meat I was hangin' in his turf." "Hangin' in his... huh?" "You're not from the 'hood, right?" Mary smiled as Slim uncovered the contents of the tray before him. "Go on, eat!" Slim couldn't believe it. "Whoa! Scrambled eggs, hash browns, toast and jam... what, no beans and biscuits?" "Did you want some?" Mary asked. "Good Lord, NO!" Slim declared, as he cleared a spot on his table. Mary opened a thermos and poured Slim a cup of something that he could not recognize; yet it looked familiar. "What's this stuff, Mary?" "Taste it and tell me," she grinned. Slim took a sip. "Hmm... well, it's... different... it's almost... familiar somehow, and yet..." "Oh, come on, cowboy, don't tell me you don't know _coffee_ when you drink it..." Slim stared at Mary in disbelief. "_This_ is COFFEE? Wow, so THAT'S what it's supposed to taste like!" He enjoyed his delayed dinner while Mary studied the maps and search grids with more than just a little curiosity. "If you don't mind my being nosy, Slim, what's all this for?" Slim paused from what, for him, must have been the first truly decent cup of coffee he'd ever had in his life. "Oh, well, that's for... well, that is... it's..." "You're gonna go looking for Honey again, right?" "Huh? How did _you_ know? Who told you?" "Bugs." "Oh." Mary let out a soft sigh. "Slim, do you guys really think you can find her after all this time?" Slim's eyes met hers. "I don't know, Mary, but if we don't, it won't be for lack of trying. That's The Cowboy Way, you know..." "I know," Mary said. "But, why all these maps?" "Well," Slim replied, "if we're going to look for Honey, we'll need to search every river in Tumbleweed County, you know that..." "Umm..." Mary hung her head sheepishly, and hesitated before admitting, "Actually, Slim, you don't need to go that far..." "Huh? What do you mean?" Mary sighed a heavy sigh. "I feel so foolish now... do you remember when we came back to the ranch and told you guys what had happened... geez, I feel really _stupid_ now that I realize it..." "Realize what?" A sudden knock on the door brought a "Come in" from Slim. The door opened and a pair of unusually quiet toons, Babs Bunny and Plucky Duck by name, slowly entered. "I couldn't sleep," Babs said sadly. "Me neither," Plucky admitted. Slim nodded to them to sit anywhere, and returned his attention to Mary. "What did you realize?" Slim's question would have to wait for an answer, as there came another knock on the door. "What is this, 'Grand Central Bunkhouse'? Come in," Slim said exasperatedly, and Bugs Bunny slowly made his way in, also unable to sleep. He took one look at the assorted maps, graphs, charts, etc. on Slim's table, and sighed audibly. "I see you're goin' t'rough wit' dis," Bugs said; then, noticing the Toons, asked, "Youse couldn't sleep, eider?" "No," the toony trio replied. "Uh, Mary, _what_ did you realize?" Slim repeated. "Well, I realized that we forgot to tell you guys _which_ bridge it happened on..." "Dey oughta outlaw dem t'ings," Bugs muttered. "Dey're bound ta collapse sooner or later..." "What, bridges?" asked a bewildered Babs. "Yeah, 'bridges,'" Bugs said crossly. "'Specially dem old rickety covered wooden t'ings..." Plucky held up his hands... er, wings... well, whatever they are... in protest. "Wait a minute! Who said anything about a wooden bridge?" Slim and Bugs both stared at the duck. "Huh?" "I said, 'Who said anything about a wooden bridge?' This bridge was made of concrete!" "CONCRETE?!?" Slim and Bugs repeated. "Is there an echo in this bunkhouse?" Babs wondered aloud. "That's what we forgot to tell you," Mary sheepishly admitted. "Yeah," added Plucky. "This bridge shoulda held a Mack truck! Coming _and_ going! To _and_ fro! _Both_ ways! In fact, BOTH of 'em should've!" Slim's eyes grew wide behind his glasses. "Both of 'em? Wait! Were they side by side and 2,000 feet above a raging river?" "Well, yeah," Babs replied. "You know that bridge?" Slim made a mad dash for the bunkhouse door, but stopped and turned toward the Toons. "_DO_ I? Babs, there's only ONE bridge like that in all of Tumbleweed County!" "'One' seems to be all that's left," Plucky agreed. "Where you going?" "I gotta tell this to Ranger Doug and Woody!" Slim said excitedly. The second he left, Bugs folded his arms and looked sternly at the Toons, tapping his foot slowly. He was obviously not happy. "You waited 'til NOW ta tell us dis?" he asked. (MUSIC: Sinister Accordion segue) Faithful readers will no doubt recall that when we last saw Slocum and Montana Max, the 300-lb. doofus henchman Charlie was about to relate the events at the bridges in question. As we rejoin them, Charlie has done just that. A smile begins to creep across the face of the pint-sized toon billionaire's face. Then he breaks into bilious laughter, which echoes through the Dry Gulch Saloon, and which obviously does not go unnoticed by the Prince of Villains, Algernon Swinburne Slocum. "Something funny, Monty?" he sneered. "More than you dorks realize! With Honey Bunny out of the way, Bugs'll be putty in my hands! He'll be totally emotionally drained! He'll WANT to give up the mine!" Then a thought came to him. "Wait a minute. A thought came to me! What if she managed to survive?" "Are you KIDDING?" Slocum asked, still sneering. "In THAT river? From a 2000 foot drop? Forget it, Monty... she's a goner!" "Yeah," agreed Charlie. "It'd take a miracle for ANYBODY to survive a plunge in the Joan Rivers! Heh, heh-heh, heh- heh-heh..." -0- (MUSIC: Accordion segue) At the outer edge of Tumbleweed County is a little-known and seldom disturbed place called the Helen Forest, where all of nature's creatures live in peace and harmony, where the trees grow tall and full, and where a young Indian woman has set up camp. Her long jet-black hair falls to her ankles and makes for a temporary covering, as her clothes are drying by a small campfire. She would have dried the clothes that were on the figure she pulled out of the river, except that there was nothing left of them. That gets her to wondering to herself. "Now, who would go around putting clothes on a rabbit?" she asks, knowing that there is currently no one to give her an answer. She looks down and studies the still-unconscious bunny with curiousity. In all her life, she's never seen a rabbit quite like this one: nearly 3 feet from the top of her bandaged head to the bottom of her gray and white feet, 3' 6" if the ears were erect. Also, the rabbit's physique is unlike any other bunny she's ever seen. It's obvious to even a casual observer that this is definitely a female rabbit, although with an almost human figure. Shapely, for a rabbit. Or, for that matter, for any female. The young woman bends down and checks the head bandage she made for the animal from her own red flannel shirt; then checking the remainder of her clothes, sees that they're now dry. As she slips into her jeans and white cotton tank top, the young palomino mare who had been trying to pull the rabbit out of the river when they had been rescued slowly comes up to the prone bunny and gently nudges her. No response. The horse's big brown eyes meet those of the young woman's, who shakes her head slowly. "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "She still hasn't come to." The horse emits a sad, soft whinny. "I know how you feel," the young woman sighs. "If only she could talk, she could tell us what happened... but that's a foolish hope. Everyone knows that rabbits can't speak..." -0- (MUSIC: Accordion segue, "Oh What a Beautiful Morning") The following morning, Riders in the Sky are up bright and early, mounted and ready to ride on a very desperate search. "Okay, we've got everything?" asked Ranger Doug. Slim and Woody did a quick inventory. "Inflatable rafts, ropes, life jackets, binoculars, compasses... they're all here," Woody confirmed. "Plus a complete search grid of Joan Rivers," added Too Slim. "How's that again?" a startled Woody asked. "Ooops," Slim yawned. "Guess I'm not quite awake yet... I meant _the_ Joan Ri..." "That's okay, Slim, we know what you meant," Ranger Doug said. Suddenly, their old sidekick, Side Meat, spoke up. "Sayyy, with all this here gear you're packin', there ain't no room for me to bring anything to cook..." "Well, that's _some_ consolation," Woody muttered. Side Meat nodded. "Yeah, that's what I... SAYYYYYYYYYYYY," he challenged. Suddenly, Slim noticed something. "Ranger Doug, look! I think we're going to have some help!" "Great," the Ranger smiled. "We need all the help we can get!" "I been sayin' _that_ fer years," grumbled Side Meat, casting another nasty look at Woody Paul, who responded by calling him an old coot. Meanwhile, the Ranger and Slim's attention was focused on Babs and Plucky, who were piling into Honey Bunny's powder blue Chevy Blazer, with Mary behind the wheel. "Hey, guys, what's going on?" asked Woody. "Well, Woody, we discussed it last night, and, well, we felt so bad that we forgot to tell you _which_ bridge..." "Forget it, Mary. Now that we know where it happened..." Babs interrupted. "Um, Ranger... do you really think we'll find her... alive, I mean..." "I sure hope so, Babs... by the way, where are Buster and Bugs?" "Buster's still holed up in that bunkhouse, and Bugs..." Mary finished Babs's sentence. "We didn't want to get his hopes up, just in case we... that is... sniff..." Then she began crying. Ranger Doug offered a consoling word and a handkerchief. "Hey, little Buckarette, it'll be okay. We'll find her." "O... okay... if you say so..." Mary said, blowing her nose. A loud "HONK!!!" accompanied the action. "Uh, Mary," the Ranger said, "try not to lean on the horn when you do that." "Yeah," added Woody, "you might scare Side Meat." "Well, yeah, that..." the camp cook began to agree, then shot another dirty look to the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers. Mary had to smile at this. "Thanks, guys, I needed that... hey, Plucky, where are you going?" she asked suddenly, as the green duck bolted out of the truck and headed for Buster's bunkhouse. "Plucky, I don't think whatever it is you're thinking is all that great of an idea," Babs cautioned; but Plucky just ignored her, and began pounding furiously on the door. "Hey, Buster! Buster!" he yelled. Finally, the door to the bunkhouse opened... Friends and neighbors, I interrupt here to point out something that should be obvious to everybody except Plucky. Rabbits, by nature, are very neat and fastidious critters. However, if you've ever been within arm's length of, say, a rabbit hutch that has been neglected over a few days, thanks to, oh, say just plain carlessness on the part of the rabbit's owner, then you know that the aroma of said hutch would be enough to choke your average goat. Now, you multiply that by the number of days that Buster has been holed up in that bunkhouse, refusing to come out for even the most basic of social pleasantries, then what happens next should not come as any big surprise... except, of course, to Plucky. Let's rejoin him now, shall we? "Buster!... Bus-" The first bit of air to escape the blue bunny's bunkhouse hits Plucky right in the face, causing his bill to melt at his feet. Letting out a loud gasp, Plucky composes himself and reaches offstage for a new bill and a gasmask from stage manager Solid Elron Esposito. "Thank yew," he announces. "No problem," says Elron. Attaching his new bill and the gasmask, the dauntless duck tries again. "Hey, Buster, we're gonna go look for whatever's left of Honey! Wanna come along?" The quick door slam should've been enough to tell Plucky to leave well enough alone. But, this _is_ Plucky Duck, after all. So, he pounds on the door again. From behind the door Buster says the first thing he's said to anybody in weeks. "What?" "Feet." "Oh." The door opens slightly, and Plucky withdraws his feet. "Thank yewww," Plucky replies; then turns, and walks back to the Chevy, his feet now five times their original size, each one alternately flapping in front of him with each step. The Riders stare in amazement, and the Toon girls just bury their faces in their hands, as Plucky nonchalantly remarks, "He doesn't feel like coming." With that, Mary turns the key in the ignition, and the Blazer roars to life. "Let's get to it," she says. "All right, let's RIDE!" commands Ranger Doug; and the three singing cowboys and one crusty old camp cook, along with three tiny, toony, anything but looney, cartoon characters take off on their desperate search... (RIDERS: Various shouts of "On, Turbo!", "Get up, Argyle!", "C'mon, Yugo!", "Git goin' Senator, ya stubborn ol' mule!", and Ranger Doug yodeling) ...unaware that the object of their search has _already_ been found... (MUSIC: Pastoral Accordion segue) The light of a new day brings with it new hope, and as this one begins, a lovely young Indian woman is preparing her breakfast. Every so often, she looks at the still unconscious rabbit lying just a few feet away. The young woman sighs, and is about to return to her breakfast when the rabbit finally stirs and emits a low, uncomfortable moan. Quickly, the young woman is by the bunny's side, grateful that the animal is alive, but puzzled that a rabbit would be making any noise at all. "If only you could talk," she says wistfully as she kneels by the rabbit, who slowly, painfully, brings a paw to her bandaged head. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... my head... wh... what happened to me?" The young woman smiles. "If you were able to talk, I..." Suddenly, the young woman stumbles backwards, landing on her seat in shocked surprise, her soft brown eyes wider than the all-you-can-eat plates at Dottie's Diner. "HEY! You... you... you can TALK!" The rabbit slowly opens her bruised eyelids, squints against the sunlight, and says softly, "Apparently, so can you..." "I... I don't understand," the young woman says, amazed at what's happening. "HOW is this possible?" The rabbit, still speaking softly, says, "Well... I just open my mouth, and words come out... is that how it works with you?" (MUSIC: Comical, yet ironic, accordion segue) Meanwhile, Riders in the Sky and the Tiny Toons have arrived at their destination. The Riders ease their horses to a stop as Mary does the same with the Chevy. As she and Babs emerge, they can't help notice a tote bag that Plucky is carrying... "Hey, Plucky, what's _that_ for?" asked Babs. "In case I find any clues, I can have Woody Paul analyze them, of course," he replied, slinging the bag over his shoulder. "I think _you_ need analysis," Mary quipped, as the Riders and Toons cautiously approach the area of the twin bridges where Honey and her horse had fallen through. "Whoa! LOOK at that!" Woody exclaimed. "What could have made a hole like that in a concrete bridge, Ranger Doug?" "I don't know, Slim, but I don't HAVE to know. Woody, what's your opinion?" Carefully, the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers ran his fingers along the edge of the gaping hole, and was amazed at how smooth the surface was. "Hmm... that's hard to say, Ranger Doug, without a sample of the missing section. And have you noticed that except for the missing portion, the rest of this bridge remains stable?" The Ranger nodded. "That _is_ unusual, all right. I think that for safety's sake, though, we should get off here as soon as possible..." Suddenly Babs spoke up. "Ranger Doug, I just remembered something! That's the exact area where we saw a broken bottle, remember, Mary?" "Yeah! You even took a picture of it! Say... you don't think..." Ranger Doug turned toward Woody Paul. "Woody! Is there any kind of bottled chemical that could have caused this?" "It's _possible_, Ranger Doug, but run your hands along the edge of this hole. Notice how smooth it is?" "Hmmm... yes, Woody, I do..." "Think it could be acid, Woody Paul?" "No, Mary, acid would have left an irregular surface. As far as my chemical background tells me, there's nothing made today that would have this effect." "Oh, great," Plucky mumbled, as he walked beyond the edge the hole, his feet having returned to their normal size, in that mysterious way that only toons can pull off. "Plucky! Look out!" Slim yelled. "What for? I'm a toon! I'm all right as long as I don't look down!" "Well, why, what happens if you look down?" Slim asked. "It's a good thing you guys can sing, cause you'd never make it as cartoon characters," the silly green duck said. "And just _why_ wouldn't we?" Ranger Doug asked. "Because you don't understand the first law of t.p., that's why." "Whoa, wait a minute, Plucky, whew!" said Side Meat. "You mean there's laws governin' toilet paper?" Babs, Plucky and Mary shook their heads. "'Toon Physics,'" Babs explained. "They're the physical laws we toons live by." "And the _first_ law of Toon Physics states that a body can remain suspended in midair, as long as you don't look down," Mary added. "Huh... sounds like a crock to me," Slim laughed. "Laugh all you want, cowboy," Plucky replied, as he walked back and forth in midair. "All I know is, it works." "As long as you don't look down," Ranger Doug stated. "Well... what happens if you look down?" asked Slim. Plucky sighed. "It's so simple. If I were to look down, just like I'm doing right now, it would break the..." All of a sudden a horrified look came on Plucky, and he turned in the direction of Slim. "I... love... rock and roll," he said flatly, as he then began plummeting 2000 feet below towards the Joan Rivers. The Toons and Riders stared cautiously over the edge of the bridge. Woody turned towards the girls. "Do you think he'll remember he can fly?" (SFX: CRASH! SPLASH!! THUD!!!) Babs grinned. "Guess not." Plucky, meanwhile, had landed on a large rock in the middle of the river. "Ow," he muttered. "The things I do for this series..." "Plucky!" Slim called down. "Are you okay?" "Oh, sure," the duck yelled back. "I'm fine. I always like to see if they repealed the law every once in a while..." "_What_ law?" asked Side Meat. "The law of gravity," the duck shot back. "But you're not hurt," Woody yelled. "No," Plucky replied. "Fortunately, this soft concrete rock broke my fall..." All of a sudden, the same thought came to Riders and Toons alike. "SOFT CONCRETE ROCK???" they asked simultaneously. "Plucky, get a sample of that!" Woody exclaimed. Plucky, suddenly remembering he still had the tote bag slung over his shoulder, quickly opened it up and withdrew a small, clear plastic bag. Breaking off a piece of the rock, which was eroding slowly under him, he quickly dropped it in. "Got it!" he yelled. "Don't forget to seal it," Babs yelled. "Right!" Plucky ran his fingers along the edge, then stopped for a second to study the bag. "Hunh, well, whaddya know? Yellow and blue make green!" Then a pained expression crossed his face. "Plucky, what's wrong?" Ranger Doug asked. The duck reached gingerly under him. "Oh, _that's_ what that is," he said, as he opened another plastic bag and dropped the offending item in. "What else has he got?" Slim asked. "You mean, besides plenty of nothing?" smirked Babs. "Do you think he may have found a clue?" Mary asked Woody. "He may have, Mary. Remember, soft concrete rocks don't appear in nature naturally... especially in the middle of a raging river." In the meantime, Plucky had remembered he could indeed fly, and had thus rejoined his friends back on the bridge. "Okay, where do we go from here?" he asked, although he already knew the answer. "Where else?" replied the Ranger. "Back down into the river." "But I just got back up," the duck protested. "Can you think of a better time to go back down?" Babs grinned. So saying, the rafts are taken to the nearest launching point, inflated, and after all the parties involved have put on their personal flotation devices... PLUCKY: Personal what? TEXAS BIX: Life jackets, Plucky. PLUCKY: Oh, why didn't you say so? TEXAS BIX: I _did_ say so. BABS: Hey! Would you two mind not breaking the fourth wall and get back to this story? I'm waiting to see how this comes out! BIX AND PLUCKY: Sorry... (Texas Bix resumes his solo narration, while Plucky gets back in the boat.) ...after all parties involved have suited up, The Riders and Toons push off and begin their search in the rapid, rushing, and quite dangerous waters of the Joan Rivers... "Keep your eyes open for anything that looks like Honey!" Ranger Doug shouted, as he and Babs steered their inflated craft over the dangerous river. "Right you are, Ranger Doug!" the Riders and Toons shouted in reply. "And be careful," the Ranger added. "These whitewaters can be treacherous!" At that moment, another rubber boat carrying Bill and Hillary (and bearing the name, 'S.S. Bubba') bounced by. "You're telling _ME_," Bill drawled. "Oh, shut up," griped Hillary, as the boat swiftly sailed out of the viewing range of the surprised Riders and Toons. Babs and Ranger Doug stared at each other for a moment; then the pink bunny turned towards the viewing audience. "Ahem... all right, hands up all of you who saw THAT one coming," she said. Immediately, the viewing screen was blocked by an enormous number of upraised hands. "Hmm," Babs said, "there's more people reading this than I thought. Oh, well..." And with that, the Riders and Toons concentrated on the task that lay ahead. The swift current of the Joan Rivers tossed the rubber boats around like toys, but through skillful navigation, fueled by the fear of falling out, they soon found themselves past the most dangerous part, and were now steadily coasting in relatively calmer waters; althought there was no sign of Honey to be seen. Suddenly, a shiny object caught the sunlight and reflected in Plucky's eyes. Quickly, he put on a pair of shades and turned to his boating partner, Woody Paul. "I think I see something, Woody! Can you steer us over to that large rock?" "Can do, Plucky," the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers replied. Plucky cautiously leaned over the side as they neared the rock, made a grab for the object... and fell overboard. He came out of the water, climbed on the rock, snatched the shiny object, and got back in the boat as Woody brought it around. In the meantime, Mary and Too Slim, up a few feet ahead of Woody and Plucky, had also caught sight of something in the water. "What do you think it is, Mary?" Slim asked, as she carefully used a fishing net to retrieve the colorful and mysterious objects. "We'll find out when we get back on dry land," Mary answered, wondering as an afterthought, "I wonder how the others are doing..." Meanwhile, Ranger Doug and Babs, who were several feet ahead of everybody, were scanning the water with no success, until a glimmering object caught Babs's attention. "Over there, Ranger Doug!" she yelled, pointing excitedly. "What is it, Babs?" "I don't know," she replied, "I just hope it's not what I think it is..." Quickly, the Idol of American Youth maneuvered the small craft to the spot Babs was pointing to, and deftly retrieved the shiny object, putting it into his shirt pocket. "Got it!" he proclaimed. "Now, let's head for dry land for a while and wait for the others." "Why do we want to do that?" the pink bunny asked. "So we can regroup, compare notes, and plan our next move," the Ranger replied. Babs's face fell. "Oh, man, nobody told me we were supposed to take notes," she grimaced, as she and Ranger Doug steered their small craft to the nearest riverbank, followed only moments later by the others, who, once they were ashore, began withdrawing the items they had fished from the river. "What'd you find, Plucky?" asked Woody. The duck brought out the golden object from his tote bag. Mary gasped audibly when she saw it. "What is it, Mary?" asked Slim, as tears began filling her soft brown eyes. "It... it's... it's Honey's wedding ring," she sobbed quietly. "I'd recognize that design anywhere..." "Now, hold on," Ranger Doug said, examining the small, intricately detailed golden band. "We don't KNOW that this is Honey's. Sure, it's a small, golden ring; sure, it's intricately designed; and sure, it's engraved with the expression, 'For now, for always, forever--Honey and Bugs,' but that could..." He wisely stopped when he realized what he'd just read on the inside of the precious jewelry. Mean- while, Slim retrieved the colorful objects he and Mary had found, wrung them out, and laid them on the ground. This time it was Plucky's turn to gasp audibly. "That... that's... that's the outfit Honey was wearing," the green duck noted, almost sadly. "I'd know that 'hare ribbon' of hers anywhere," he said, pointing to the tattered but still recognizable pink bow, which still had small bits of white fur in the center knot, laid among the shredded blouse and jeans that had only recently been part of her wardrobe. Slowly, almost hesitantly, Ranger Doug and Babs's eyes met as the Ranger reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out the golden object Babs had spotted mere moments before. "I... I'm almost afraid to look," Babs said quietly; then tears flowed down her fuzzy face as she recognized the final item--a golden heart-shaped locket on a thin golden chain. An intricately designed "H" was in the heart's center. There was no doubt in either the Riders or the Toons' minds at that moment: no toon could have fallen from the Lloyd Bridges, lost her clothing, locket and wedding ring, and survived. After a moment of silence, Ranger Doug paged Side Meat on his walkie-talkie. "Side Meat," the Ranger sighed sadly, "we're going home..." -0- Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the Toons and Riders, just a couple of miles or so away, at the very edge of the Helen Forest, a young Indian woman with soft brown eyes and incredibly long jet black hair sat cross-legged across the way from a gray-and-white female bunny, who was still in the process of regaining consciousness. Something told the young woman that this was not your ordinary rabbit. For one thing, rabbits aren't expeceted to hold intelligent conversations... "Don't try to sit up," the young woman cautioned. "You've apparently been through a very..." Her thought was interrupted as the rabbit lifted the blanket covering her, took one look, and let out an ear-splitting scream. In one quick stride, the young woman was by the rabbit's side. "What's wrong?" "What in the world happened to me???" the bunny asked in a clearly panicked voice, pointing to her unclad body. The young woman looked, puzzled. "I... I don't understand... I mean, there is some fur loss, but that should be expected for what happened to a rabbit who's been through whatever you've been through..." The bunny stared at her blankly. "I... I'm a _rabbit_???" The young woman handed her a small pocket mirror. The bunny studied her reflection, and finally let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank heavens... for a moment I thought I was an extremely hairy woman..." The young Indian girl couldn't help letting out a small laugh. "Would you like something to eat? Breakfast should be ...oh, wait, rabbits are vegetarians..." The bunny stared blankly. "We are? I am?" Instinctively, as rabbits will, she began sniffing the air. Whatever the young woman was cooking sure smelled good. "Welll... I guess I can deviate from whatever I'm supposed to eat just this once," she smiled, with some effort. "Don't try to get up," the young woman told her. Then, almost as an afterthought, she said, "Since we're in a conversational mood, my name is Nikoma." The bunny looked at her. "Nikoma?" "Yes. Nikoma Littledeer... now, what should I call you? I wouldn't feel right holding a conversation with you and just calling you 'rabbit'..." The bunny thought... and thought ...and _thought_... and then brought her paws to her still- bandaged head and lay back. "I... I don't _know_... I... I feel like I _should_ have a name... I just can't remember..." The young woman smiled softly. "Then I shall name you." She studied the rabbit momentarily. Then it came to her. "I know. I shall call you 'Skydancer'." The bunny looked at her curiously. "'Skydancer'? Why 'Skydancer'?" Nikoma continued smiling softly. "Because you _look_ like a skydancer. Is there something wrong with the name?" The bunny said the name over and over to herself. Slowly, a smile finally came to her. "No... not at all... 'Skydancer' it shall be," she said softly. "Can I eat now?" At that moment, the palomino mare, seeing that her owner had rejoined the land of the living, walked up behind Honey Bunny and nudged her shoulder gently. Immediately, Honey let out a loud "YEEP!" and leaped into a startled Nikoma's arms. She looked up at Nikoma with pleading eyes, pointed to the horse and said simply, "...It tried to eat me." "Oh, she did not!" Nikoma countered, placing Honey on the ground. "Horses don't eat rabbits." Honey looked blankly at her. "I'm a rabbit?..." (MUSIC: Comical two-note accordion segue [A and E flat]) Well, _this_ could go on for some time... and speaking of going on... (MUSIC: Sinister accordion segue) ...there are still evil goings-on inside the Dry Gulch Saloon, where Montana Max is in conference with the vile Prince of Villains and his doofus henchman... "Now, Charlie, you're _sure_ you disposed of all those unworkable big and evil plans, right?" "Of _course_ I did, Monty," the big doofus growled. "What do you think I am?" Monty exchanged glances with Slocum. "He's kidding, right?" Slocum shrugged. "With him, it's hard to tell. After all, he's got a brian the size of a peanut..." At that, Charlie took notice. "What was that?" "You heard him, you big doofus, you've got a brian the size of a peanut," Monty said, pulling out a script marked "The Toony Way". He flipped through the pages of the corresponding script and showed the passage to Charlie. "See? It says so right there." Charlie glared at the script, grabbed it out of Monty's hands, and began looking around the saloon. "Oh, Texas Bii-ix," Charlie said in a sing-song way. "What iiiss it?" I replied. "I wanna taallk to you..." Charlie said. "What's this 'brian' stuff?" "Don't look at me, Charlie, I didn't write this tale," I replied. "Try looking for the author in Pasco, Washington." "Riiiighhht," Charlie said, walking out of the saloon past a startled Slocum and Monty, down the main street of Tumbleweed City, out of the county, onto a waiting Greyhound bus where he was greeted by a smiling accordion player in a jaunty white hat playing polkas, and getting off in Pasco, Washington. Once there, he made his way several blocks before coming upon an unassuming red brick building. Making his way up several flights of stairs, he looked around until he came upon a lone apartment. He banged on the door until it opened slightly, and a prematurely greying author leaned out the door. "Yes?" Charlie pointed to the offending passage. "Did you write this?" "Yes..." Charlie's punch sent the author to the floor. "Next time, spend the money and invest in a spell checker," he growled. "I've got a _brain_ the size of a peanut, and don't forget it." Then the doofus ambled down the several flights of stairs, out the door, down the street to the Greyhound station, onto a waiting bus that was heading for Tumbleweed Valley. A smiling polka-playing accordionist with a jaunty white hat greeted Charlie as he boarded. The big doofus settled back in his seat and enjoyed the ride, all the while thinking of what he'd accomplished. "Ah, now _this_ is the way to travel," he said to himself. "And it's not like he didn't have it coming... everybody by now oughta know I've got a brain the... size... of... (meaningful pause)... heyyyy..." (MUSIC: Dramatic accordion sting into playoff theme) TEXAS BIX: What the hey? Did Charlie finally realize what he'd just done? Will Honey Bunny have to get used to the fact that she's a rabbit all over again? And will she stick with her new name, meaning her current driver's license is no longer valid? Did we break the fourth wall beyond all possible repair? Can you _really_ believe it took nearly a year for the story to get even _this_ far? And did the author really deserve getting socked in the jaw by Charlie? AUTHOR: (Offstage) That's okay... _I_ know how this story turns out... TEXAS BIX: And if _you_ want to know how this story turns out, you'll just have to be here same time, same webspace for Episode 6 of the exciting Cartoon/Cowboy melodrama "The Toony Way," titled, "THE GATHERING STORM." It's perilous, perplexing, preposterous and precipitous melodrama you _won't_ want to miss, and it's coming soon only to THIS... Internet of the Mind!!! (MUSIC: Theme out cold.) ************************************************************** "THE TOONY WAY," an original work of fan fiction, is based on TINY TOON ADVENTURES (C)1999, Warner Bros. Inc./Amblin, and RIDERS RADIO THEATER, a MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES Production in association with WVXU/The X-STAR Radio Network. All original Riders in the Sky characters are (C)1999, Riders in the Sky and Songs of the Sage, Inc. All rights reserved. All TINY TOON and LOONEY TUNES characters, trademarks and indicia are (C) 1999, Warner Bros., Inc. All rights reserved. All other original characters appearing in this story are (C)1998, 1999, Lee M. Withers. -0-