THE TOONY WAY (A Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama in 13 Episodes) by LEE M. WITHERS ========================================================================= (The setting: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of the mind. As our scenario opens, the stage is filled with the wonderful sounds of the #11 song in the "National Cartoon Polka Countdown, Warner Bros. Division," "The Pinky and the Brain... POLKA!!!" as masterfully played by the Baron of the Belly Baldwin, JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING". With the final chord still ringing in the gargantuan soundstage, The Voice That Sold A Million Baby Chicks Over Border Radio, TEXAS BIX BENDER, steps up to the large old-fashioned announcer's microphone. Also gathered on stage, the co-hosts of TINY TOON ADVENTURES, BABS and BUSTER BUNNY (No relation); BUGS and HONEY BUNNY; and, of course, America's Favorite Cowboys, RIDERS IN THE SKY: TOO SLIM (A Man Aging Like Fine Cheese), WOODY PAUL (The King of the Cowboy Fiddlers), and RANGER DOUG (The Idol of American Youth). On the cue from the floor director, The Riders and Joey play the "Riders Radio Theater" Serial theme, and Texas Bix begins his traditional spiel.) TEXAS BIX: And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES in association with TTAFF, "The Greatest Name in Cheese Since Time Immemorial," present the ongoing saga of The Cowboy Way. Tonight, Episode Three of the exciting, SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way." As faithful readers will no doubt recall... (At this point, an officious-looking yuppie type with a clipboard and a stopwatch unwisely interrupts the proceedings.) YUPPIE: Ahem...Mr. Bender, could you please not do this? (The music comes to a dead stop and EVERYBODY stares at him... ESPECIALLY Texas Bix.) TEXAS BIX: (Very put-off) I beg your pardon? Just who are you? YUPPIE: Bulova's the name. Waltham T. Bulova. I'm your new efficiency expert. (General groaning and gnashing of teeth from Toons and Riders alike.) BUGS: You're da _what_? BULOVA: I'm the efficiency expert, fan fiction division, and what Mr. Bender is doing is unnecessary, _completely_ unnecessary, um-_HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM_! (Whenever he says that, the last part rises in a very annoying crescendo that makes everybody cringe.) BUSTER: (Off-mike to Babs) _Already_ I smell trouble. BABS: (Sniffing the air) So _that's_ what that smell is. (Makes a face.) RANGER DOUG: Wait a minute! Are you saying that Texas Bix should just skip the recap? Cut it out completely? Ignore hundreds of years of serial tradition? Leave thousands of fan fiction readers who just happened to find this cozy little melodrama, and haven't read the first two episodes, in the dark completely? BULOVA: (Condescendingly) You catch on _fast_, Buffalo Bob, um-HMMMMMMMMMM! (Everybody cringes. It's the vocal equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard.) TEXAS BIX: (Really put-off) Youmg...man?...are you familiar with the serial tradition at all? It's a long-standing tradition in movie, print and radio serials that the beginning of every episode, except for Episode 1, when there's nothing to recall, begins with a recap! BULOVA: What's the _reason_ for that? (Texas Bix nearly goes into apoplexy. Bulova has failed to notice Babs and Buster, who go into a conspiratorial huddle.) BUSTER: (Whispering) Are you thinking what _I'm_ thinking? BABS: (Also whispering) Are you kidding? What woman would _want_ him? (Notices scowl on Buster's face.) Oh. Just a minute. (Whips out a cell-phone and whispers instructions to...somebody. Hangs up. Turns and grins to Buster.) Consider it _done._ BUSTER: (Grinning wickedly) Good girl, Babsie! (The two young rabbits return their attention to the ongoing conflict at center stage.) WOODY PAUL: What do you _mean_, "What's the reason"? Haven't you ever _LISTENED_ to "Riders Radio Theater"? BULOVA: (In obvious snit) Public radio, right? WOODY: Right! BULOVA: (Smugly) Never listen to it, un-UNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Everybody cringes.) RANGER DOUG: That figures. But, getting back to what passes for a rational thought around here, what about all those folks who've tuned in late? Without the recap, they won't have a clue as to what's going on in the story! TOO SLIM: He's right! I mean, there've been listeners to our show who've heard _whole_serials_ and still don't know what's...going... (Texas Bix, Joey, Ranger Doug, Woody Paul, Bugs and Honey all shoot Slim a look that just can't be described in print.) I... I'm not helping, am I? RANGER DOUG: No, you're _not_. BULOVA: (_Very_ smugly) I rest my case, um-HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! (Everybody, INCLUDING the floor director, cringes. Babs turns toward Buster.) BABS: (Whispering, with a wicked glint in her eyes) Now? BUSTER: (Also whispering, with the same wicked glint) Now. BABS: Right. (Clears her throat) Ahem, excuse me, Mr. Bulova, would you do me a _biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig_ favor? (Curious, Texas Bix and The Riders huddle with Buster.) RANGER DOUG: What's she doing, Buster? BUSTER: (Grinning like the rabbit that just ate the carrot) Watch, and learn. BULOVA: If it's not too time-consuming... BABS: (Pouring on the charm, although with this guy it's probably a wasted effort) Well, could you, um, back up about, oh, seven feet or so? Please? (Bulova does so.) BABS: Okay, now, move about a foot to your left... (Bulova does so.) BABS: Okay, now, "oonch" a little further... BULOVA: (Looks down.) You mean, right about where this big, red "X" is? BABS: (Grinning) Um-HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! (Buster smiles wickedly. Everybody else cringes. Bulova moves where he's told. A bell pull-rope silently drops from above until it's right beside him. Babs gives the "O-K" signal with her opposing thumb and forefinger and smiles.) BABS: PERFECT! Oh, just one more thing, Mr. Bulova...could you please pull that cord beside you? (Bulova shrugs.) BULOVA: Oh, all right. (Pulls the cord.) Now, young lady, what was the... (Before he can finish, the unmistakable sound of a rapidly plummeting anvil gets the Riders' attention. It also gets Mr. Waltham T. Bulova's attention, flattening him like a squished bug. The Riders and Texas Bix follow Buster and Babs's eyes as they turn their gaze upward to an overhead catwalk, where MARY MELODY and PLUCKY DUCK--and a PLENTIFUL supply of anvils--are perched. Mary and Plucky smile with the satisfaction of a job well done, and exchange high-fours.) MARY: Another anvil, another paycheck. (Texas Bix and The Riders stare open-mouthed at Buster and Babs, who simply shrug it off as being all in a day's work.) BABS: (Grinning) No need to thank us, Texas Bix. BUSTER: (Also grinning) Yeah, maybe someday when _we're_ up against it, you can pull _our_ tails out of the fire! TEXAS BIX: (After a beat, and a little unsure about the mental stability of creatures that would enjoy such a thing as what he's just witnessed) Uh...right. What was I doing before all this? (Honey Bunny walks up to him and motions him to lean down to her. She smiles her typical warmest smile.) HONEY: You were doing the recap. (She kisses him on the cheek and walks away, looking over her shoulder.) Loved your new book, by the way. (While Texas Bix tries to recover from this, Plucky and Mary have rejoined the gang on the studio floor.) PLUCKY: I don't know what _he_ was bellyaching about. (Flips through his script.) This whole opening sketch took longer than the recap! BUSTER: Well, then, what are we waiting for? RIDERS IN THE SKY: Let the show begin? BABS: (Somewhat coyly) _Not_ without the recap. (Moaning from under the anvil. Babs glares at it.) Oh, shut up, you had your say and you blew it. Go bother "Seinfeld." (SERIAL THEME resumes playing from the top.) TEXAS BIX: And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES, in association with TTAFF, "The Greatest Name in Cheese Since Time Immemorial," presents the ongoing saga of The Cowboy Way. Tonight, Episode 3 of the exciting SPECIAL Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way." (Glares proudly at the anvil, and emphasizes his next sentence) As faithful readers _will__no__doubt__recall_... (Groaning from underneath the anvil. Texas Bix ignores this and continues doing his job.) Bugs Bunny and the Tiny Toons, along with Honey Bunny, made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and wound up at Famed Old Harmony Ranch, home of Riders In The Sky. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to America's Favorite Cowboys, their old nemeses, Slocum and Charlie, had made their way back to Tumbleweed City, where they begin to make premature retirement plans for our intrepid heroes. It's while having lunch with the Riders that the Toons talk about the recent discovery made by Bugs's Uncle Buck: BUSTER: It's the biggest gold and silver strike that's ever been made! TEXAS BIX: This news is promptly overheard by Charlie, who just happened to be mooching free ice water at Dottie's Diner at the time, and, being a doofus, naturally makes the mistaken assumption that the strike Buster is referring to has happened in Tumbleweed Valley! Meanwhile, at his headquarters in the back of the Dry Gulch Saloon, Slocum made a discovery of his own: SLOCUM: "Crumbumbium"? What's _this_ stuff? TEXAS BIX: A short time later at Miller-Morton's Mercantile, the Toons made some purchases...and Plucky Duck made a new friend... CHARLIE: (Menacingly) What are _YOU_ lookin' at, squab? PLUCKY: That's what _I'd_ like to know... TEXAS BIX: Not. And it's an even shorter time later, while Plucky is having cactus needles extracted from his tongue, that Woody Paul made what amounted to an obvious understatement: WOODY: Plucky, you just made a dangerous enemy. PLUCKY: You mean there's _another_ kind? TEXAS BIX: And it's an even _shorter_ shorter time later that Slocum made a decision: SLOCUM: Any funding for our big and evil plans is gonna have to come from the _outside_. CHARLIE: Whaddya expect it to do, Slocum, just kick in the door and _walk_ in? TEXAS BIX: So you can imagine these two moral morons's amazement when it does exactly that! (SFX: Door kicked in.) SLOCUM: Who are YOU? MONTY: Just call me your "outside financier"...and the name's MONTANA MAX! (Accordion sting) TEXAS BIX: And now, Episode 3 of The Toony Way, entitled, for reasons that will soon become obvious... "HEADED FOR A FALL" -0- (Music: A bright accordion arrangement of "Buttons and Bows") As our saga resumes, The Toons and the Riders are busy putting their purchases and supplies in the back of Honey Bunny's powder-blue Chevy S-10 Blazer, when something a few doors down catches the eye of the Sweetest Fembunny in All Toondom... "Dere, is dat about everyt'ing?" Bugs asked, knowing full well that once Honey Bunny got the urge to shop, it would take quite a while for her to get over it. "Ummm...not yet, Bugsy," Honey replied sweetly. "I've just seen the most beautiful gingham dress in a shop down the street..." "I mighta known," Bugs smiled. "An' ya just can't live wid'out it, right?" "Right, so, could you..." "Surrender da plastic?" Bugs shrugged, and as had become his habit as of late, handed over his Visa Gold card without so much as a whimper. "Sure. Knock yerself out, kid." A grateful Honey gave him another ultra-vapor lock kind of kiss that only she was capable of. "Thank you, Bugsy. See ya!" And with that, Honey dashed on down to Miss Molly Goodgolly's Small and Incredibly Petite Shop. The Toons just shook their heads in quiet amusement. "Where'd she say she was going?" asked Babs. "She's gonna try on that dress in the window," Buster replied. Too Slim looked slightly puzzled. "Really? I always thought she was more modest than that. Most women would try them on in a dressing room..." A wicked smile appeared on Buster's face. "Yes, _this_ is the breakthrough we've been hoping for!" Babs and Mary Melody just shook their heads disapprovingly. "Boys," Babs muttered. "You can't live with 'em..." "...and sometimes, that's just about enough," Mary added playfully. "Girls," Buster said to Slim. "You can't take 'em anywhere... Slim? Slim?" But Too Slim wasn't listening. His attention was focused on the man with the badge ambling good-naturedly up the street. "Hey, Ranger Doug, look's who's heading this way!" Slim said. A broad smile of recognition appeared on the face of the Idol of American Youth. "Well, if it isn't High-Sheriff Drywall! Howdy, amigo!" Babs took one look at Tumbleweed Valley's crushing answer to lawlessness and/or evil, jelly belly and sideburns and all, and just couldn't help herself. "Oh, NO!" she said in mock horror, "it's Elvis after he discovered carbohydrates!" "Watch it, Babs, he's got a gun," Buster whispered. "Howdy, Ranger Doug," Drywall said, then, looking at the assemblage of cartoon rabbits, asked, "...say, you got a permit to walk your rabbits within the city limits?" Babs almost went ballistic. "WHAT??? Say, just who do you think you're..." A gentle touch of a white cotton gloved paw on her shoulder, coupled with an even gentler "Babs..." from Honey Bunny, who had rejoined the gang just in time, put a quick stop to that. A somewhat glazed look came over the small pink bunny, and her angry expression was replaced with what can only be described as a smile of sweet Christian charity. "Oh, okay," Babs smiled sweetly. Then she shook her head and came out of whatever fog she happened to be in. She stared at Buster. "I'll be darned... she did it again! Buster..." Buster shrugged. "Why is everybody asking _me_? _I_ didn't know she could do this, honest!" Ranger Doug returned the conversation to its' last known sentence. "No, Sheriff, they're not _our_ rabbits, they're..." "Well, then," Drywall said, "you'd better get 'em down to the Tumbleweed City Animal Shelter right away. We can't have loose rabbits roaming the streets..." "Well! I've been called a lot of things, but I've _NEVER_ been called 'loose'," Honey replied in mock indignation. A puzzled look arrived on the face of High Sheriff Drywall. After a beat, he said, "...Ma'am?" Then he shook his head in disbelief. "Hey, wait a minute! How come you can talk?" Honey Bunny or no Honey Bunny, Babs had had just about enough of this legal lunkhead. "BECAUSE WE'RE _TOONS_, YOU FATHEAD!" the pink bunny yelled. Drywall stared at her, dumbfounded. "...Ma'am?" "They're cartoon characters, Drywall," Ranger Doug explained. "These are Babs and Buster Bunny..." Drywall shook Buster's paw eagerly. "Well, Howdy!" Buster grinned. "Likewise! Say 'likewise,' Babsie." "In a pig's eye," Babs glared. Buster shrugged pleasantly. "Close enough." "And the young lady is Mary Melody," The Ranger continued. "Hi, Sheriff," Mary smiled, exchanging handshakes with Drywall. "Well, yes, I am," Drywall replied. Mary quickly corrected him, or, at least, tried to. "No, no, I didn't say 'High Sheriff,' I said, 'Hi, Sheriff'..." Drywall stared. "...Ma'am?" Mary shook her head. "Forget I said anything." Ranger Doug continued with the introductions. "The rabbit in the gingham dress is Honey Bunny..." "Ma'am," Drywall said. "Charmed, I'm sure," Honey replied. "By the way, are you still making records on the Skilsaw label?" An expression that was ten times brighter than he was, which wasn't saying much, came over the High Sheriff of Tumbleweed County. "Wuh'll, HOT DOG! An honest-to-goodness FAN!!!" Drywall exclaimed. A look of absolute despair came over the face of one Barbara Anne "Babs" Bunny. "Oh, NO," she whined, "don't tell me this guy makes records, too..." "Of course," Honey smiled. "I believe your two biggest hits were 'Livin' In A Mobile Home' and 'You're Wearin' Out Your Welcome, Matt,' right?" "Why, that's right! Them suckers sold into three figures! I got a few hundred extra copies back in my office, would ya like some?" Almost immediately, Honey realized, almost too late, that she had almost pushed her luck almost way too far...and now was struggling to back out of this as gracefully as she could without hurting the big lunkhead's feelings. "No, no, one of each is enough!" she said, almost TOO eagerly. Drywall looked puzzled. "Ma'am?" Buster quickly came to her rescue. "What she means is, she wouldn't want to deprive anybody else of getting their copies," he smiled. To Honey's great relief, Drywall seemed to accept this explanation. "Thanks, Buster," Honey whispered. "Any time," Buster whispered back. Suddenly, a Brooklynish Bronx-type voice interrupted the proceedings...a voice that was becoming rapidly impatient. "Hey, are we jus' about done, or are we gonna be here all da livelong day?" "Hey, we almost forgot this guy! High Sheriff Drywall, meet..." Ranger Doug began. It was an intro he never got to finish. "Hey, Hoss, you don't have to tell me who _this_ guy is! Why, everybody on Earth knows him! An', well, sir, it'd be an honor for me to shake your hand!" "Oh, well, if ya must, ya must," Bugs said nonchalantly; whereupon High Sheriff Drywall Paul proceeded to pump Bugs Bunny's paws like a pumphandle, actually lifting him off the ground in the process, much to the amusement of Toons and Riders alike. "You know," Drywall beamed, "I was watching your cartoons when I couldn't even add 2 and 2..." Babs eyed him suspiciously. "When was this, last week?" Honey lightly tapped Babs on the top of her head. "Put the brakes on it," she whispered sweetly. "Okay," Babs suddenly, and quite pleasantly, agreed. Then she turned to Buster, who only mouthed "I don't know..." "So, uh, _my_ cartoons convinced ya to go into law enforcement? Dat's kinda hard ta believe," Bugs said, finally on solid ground again. "Oh, yes sir," Drywall replied. "An' it's a real honor ta meet you, an' I hope you all enjoy your stay in Tumbleweed Valley." "Oh, don't worry, we were..." "Babs!" Honey whispered sharply. "Well, I'd like to stay an' chew the fat, boys, but duty calls," the Sheriff said. "Wow," Slim said, grateful that he finally got a line in this scene, "tracking down desperadoes?" "Aw, nothin' _that_ excitin' today, Slim," Drywall said with obvious disappointment. "Ol' Cash Arbitrage down at the First Rational Bank wanted me to check on some missing property owners for him. If I can't find' em before the end of th' month, the bank'll claim 'em real cheap at auction." "Well, good luck, Sheriff, if we can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask!" Ranger Doug volunteered. "Well, thanks, Ranger Doug. It was nice meetin' all you..." "Same here," Buster grinned. Drywall ambled on down the street to his office good-naturedly, staring every once in a while at his hands. "Boy, I'll never wash these hands again," he chuckled loudly. "Wait'll I tell all the guys down at the feed and tack store that I shook hands with the one and only Crusader Rabbit!" Friends, there is, in certain beliefs, a term called karma, which literally translated, means "what goes around, comes around." And right now, two-thirds of America's Favorite Cowboys, who've been called every name but their own by America's Most Famous Cartoon Rabbit, are struggling to keep from busting a gut--along with the other Toons--at Drywall's innocent mistake... and not doing a very good job of it. Bugs, however, just stares forlornly at his two paws, which he holds up a few feet away from his face. "Crusader Rabbit?" he sighs, shaking his head. Finally, he looks up at the Riders. "Eh, do youse guys t'ink day'd let me back in dat diner kitchen?" "Well, given that you're...(stifiling a giggle)...well-known, I...(stifiling another giggle)...suppose so, Bugs," Ranger Doug grinned. "What do you want to do?" "I wanna go boil me hands," Bugs said forlornly, walking back to Dottie's Diner. (Music: Sinister accordion arrangement of "Someone's Got To Do It") Meanwhile, just a short distance away, in the dimly-lit back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, two morally bankrupt and totally reprehensible reprobates are about to enter into an unholy alliance with someone who is even lower than they are... "Now, let me get this straight," sneered Slocum, "your name is Montana Max?" "Right...as in 'MaxaMILLION', got it?" Monty sneered back. "And you're hiring us to get rid of a rabbit?" Slocum continued. "You got it." "And you're willing to pay big bucks for us to do this?" "Right again." "Heh-heh...look, kid, I don't know if you know this or not, but you can go out to any desert with a slingshot and nail a rabbit, I mean, they're all over the place," Slocum said. "Not the rabbit _I_ want you to get," Montana Max barked. "I want you to rub out...Bugs Bunny!" Slocum's evil eyes narrowed and he stared at the pint- sized multibillionaire. "Bugs Bunny? Say, you must take me for an _idiot_!" Monty didn't even bat an eye. "More or less, yeah. Anyway, I tracked him here..." "See, Boss," Charlie interrupted, "I _TOLD_ you I saw..." Slocum turned angrily on his 300-pound doofus henchman. "Charlie, if you mention Bugs Bunny again I'm going to staple your lips to your ears, got it?" he shouted. Then turning his attention back to Monty, he said in a condescending tone of voice, "Look, kid, money or no money, I think you fell off the same mountain Charlie keeps falling off of. I'm not gonna go wasting my time chasing after some silly rabbit...especially a _cartoon_ rabbit! Cartoon characters don't exist, got it?" And that was when Charlie finally noticed there was something _very_ out-of-the-ordinary about their potential "financier." "Hey, Boss, take a good look at this guy..." "What for, Charlie, you seen _one_ cartoon charac..." Then Slocum almost choked on his words as realization struck him in a most unexpected way. "Hey! Wait a minute! You're...you're..." "Yeah, I'm a Toon! So what?" Monty barked, waving the big bankroll in front of them. "The MONEY'S real enough!" "And it's also wired," Slocum said suspiciously. "Details, details, why do they always bother me with details?" grumbled Monty. "You wanna take the job or don't you?" Slocum briefly considered the question. Very briefly. "Look, Monty..." The rich pint-sized spoiled brat flew into a rage. "Don't CALL me that! I HATE that!" Slocum sneered with a snake-oil-salesman smile on his face. "My, my, aren't WE touchy, Monty? Heh-heh-heh-heh..." Monty simply smiled an evil smile, and casually tossed the hotwired bankroll in Slocum's direction. "Here, catch." Which Slocum, like an idiot, did. And he was promptly rewarded for his quick reflexes with several thousand volts. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWCCCCHHH!!! Why, you little..." In his anger, of course, Slocum forgot two important little details: 1, that he was still holding the hotwired bankroll, and 2, that Monty casually had the control still in his hand. Calmly, and without much fanfare, he pressed a little button on the little device and sent several thousand _more_ volts through A. Swinbourne Slocum. "...(ZAP)...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY OOOOOOOOWWWCCHH!!!" In desperation, The Prince of Villains turned for help to his big doofus henchman. "Charlie, you IDIOT! DO something...(ZAP)... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWCCCCHHH!!!" "I _am_, Boss," Charlie said, holding his sides, "I'm laughin' my _head_ off! Heh...heh-heh...heh-heh-heh..." Monty grinned. "Had enough, Slocum?" he asked, fingering the little control box. The fact that Slocum finally wised up and dropped the battery-powered bankroll was an indication that, yes, he had. "Yeah, yeah...all right, _Mr._ Montana Max! Now, WHY do you want Bugs Bunny out of the way?" "Because he's got something that I want." "And that is...?" Slocum asked, semi-curious. "The location of the Lost Rabbit Mine! It's the richest silver and gold strike ever made in this country...and I_ WANT_ it!" "And you want _us_ to go after him? Why don't you do your _own_ dirty work?" It was a rare occasion when Slocum asked a question like that, and Montana Max had a ready answer. "Because I can't be connected with anything that happens to him in any way! I need someone to take the fall...I mean, the _risk_ for me, just in case something goes wrong," Monty lied. "Sounds like you had it right the first time," Slocum said under his breath, he being no stranger to fishy-sounding alibis himself. "Tell me, what makes you think the mine's here?" "Because I tracked him to this godforsaken spot. How is not important. He's been hanging around here all day, and he wouldn't stick around this place this long if it wasn't! He thinks he's being clever, trying to throw me off his trail, but I'm not THAT dumb!" "And you think we are?" Charlie began. "Shut up, Charlie! Look, Max, heh-heh, this sounds like it's a _personal_ problem! Find yourself some other patsies! I got problems of my own I need to deal with..." "Such as?" "How to get rid of three yodeling yahoos called Riders In The Sky, THAT'S 'such as,' if you _must_..." And it was at that point that Charlie finally blurted out what he'd been trying to tell Slocum for the past half-hour. "Boss! Bugs Bunny was WITH Riders In The Sky!" Slocum turned and glared at his large partner in crime. "WHAT??? Charlie, you INCREDIBLE IDIOT!!! _WHY_ didn't you TELL me this sooner?" The big muscle-bound (in both arms and head) doofus growled and picked Slocum up by his polyester lapels. "Because YOU wouldn't LET me, Slocum!" It was at times like this that Slocum wondered why he'd ever teamed up with a guy that could easily flatten him like a pancake; then he remembered how easy it was to flummox this guy. That's why they call him a doofus; for although Charlie is big, and strong, he still has a brain the size of a peanut. And it was also at times like this that Slocum knew when to lay it on thicker than road tar on a fresh slab of asphalt...which he did. "Whoa, Charlie, heh-heh, didn't I? Well, stupid old me, heh-heh...say, that makes a difference, doesn't it? Heh-heh... you can put me down now, Charlie, heh-heh..." And, of course, being a doofus, Charlie did as he was told, although he wasn't too happy about it. Taking a deep breath, now that he was back on solid barroom floor, Slocum turned his attention back to Montana Max, who had been impatiently waiting for them to return their attention to him. "Say, if that offer still stands, heh-heh, maybe we CAN do business together and get rid of BOTH of our problems at the same time! Of course," Slocum added, "we don't work cheap, heh-heh-heh..." "I didn't think you _did_." Monty looked disapprovingly at the dingy bar. "You guys must really save a lot on overhead..." Then, scowling at Slocum's outfit, he added "...and wardrobe." "Polyester'll come back! It always does!" Slocum snapped defensively. "So do cold sores," Monty sneered, then looked quizzically at the backside of Charlie. "You always announce your departures?" "Huh?" Then Charlie caught sight of himself in the barroom mirror, and the curious orange bumper sticker slapped across the seat of his jeans. "What the...? Hey, Slocum, get that thing off me!" "Sure, sure," Slocum said, chuckling as he read the bumper sticker. "Wide Load...that's you, all right, Charlie, heh-heh!" He quickly yanked the sticker off, then noticed something unusual, even for an orange bumper sticker. "Hey, there's a green feather stuck to this thing. You been to a Jimmy Buffet show recently?" "Don't be funny, Slo...heyyyyyyy...GREEN FEATHER?" Charlie growled, then yanked the sticker and feather from Slocum. "Why, that little...if I ever see that stupid little duck again, he's gonna be history!" Monty raised a scurrilous eyebrow. "Did you say 'green duck'? By any chance, was he in the company of a pair of bunnies?" "Well, yeah," Charlie growled, "a pink one and a blue one, why?" Monty rubbed his hands eagerly. "Heh-heh-heh, this could turn out better than I'd hoped...if I can figure out a way to get rid of them _and_ Bugs Bunny too...then there'd be nothing to stand in my way of taking over Acme Acres!" He turned quickly to Slocum. "You got any copies of all your so-called big and evil plans around here?" "Why, sure I do," Slocum sneered. "Well, get rid of them. The last thing you wanta do is leave evidence in writing. Have that big doofus do it...but only get rid of the ones that didn't work, and keep the ones that might stand a chance with a little reworking. Get busy! I'll be back later!" And with that, Monty snuck quietly out of the Dry Gulch Saloon. "Hey, Boss, who died and made him boss?" Charlie wondered. "Several presidents whose pictures adorn large denominations of money, _that's_ who! Anyway, get rid of all this stuff. I don't care how you do it, either. I gotta go through the rest of these files," Slocum said with an evil leer. "Riiiigggghhht," Charlie growled in response. "I'll take 'em to river and drop 'em in, that oughta do it...say, you want that bottle on the bar to go, too?" "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Charlie, that stuff's no good anyway. Oh, by the way, Charlie..._which_ river you gonna dump 'em in?" Charlie though for a moment, then laughed evilly. "I've got it, Slocum. I'll heave 'em right into the old Joan Rivers!" Slocum laughed along with his henchman. "The Joan Rivers! That's the river with the biggest mouth in all of Tumbleweed County! Heh- heh-heh, that's perfect, Charlie! Just make sure nobody sees you... you don't want to get a ticket for being a litterbug, heh-heh-heh..." "Riiiiiggggghhhhht," Charlie agreed, gathering up the files, and the bottle of Crumbumbium, and slinking out the door. "Maybe I'll run into that stupid green duck while I'm at it...I don't think even a duck could survive five minutes in the Joan Rivers! Heh...heh-heh... heh-heh-heh..." But little did Charlie know that the green duck he was thinking of was even now getting his bearings back, after the cactus gum/ lemonade incident, and was heading out the door of Miller-Morton's Mercantile...and heading into disaster... "I'm gonna get me some fresh air, Woody," Plucky said. "You go right ahead, Plucky, you're starting to look a little green," Woody Paul kidded. "Ha, ha, very funny," Plucky grumbled, as he stepped out the door, and ran smack into a 300-pound doofus, knocking them both over. "Hey, you big jerk, why don't you wacth where I'm going... URK!!!" It was at that time that Plucky wisely high-tailed out of Charlie's way at a speed that amazed even him, yelling at the top of his lungs: "SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Unfortunately, that got Charlie's attention, and forgetting his assigned task of getting rid of Slocum's unworkable big and evil plans, the big doofus took off after Plucky. Meanwhile, Ranger Doug, Too Slim and the rest of the Toons decided to make one more shopping trip. Since Honey had maxed out Bugs's credit card for the day, and since she didn't see anything else that she thought she wanted to buy, she decided to wait patiently by her truck for the gang to return. She hummed a gentle song to herself, unaware of what was about to happen next, as Plucky rounded a corner and headed straight for the safest refuge he could find, Charlie hot on his heels! "Come back here, you little twirp!" Charlie bellowed. "I'm gonna make a _feather_duster_ out of you!" Neighbors, it's well-known what we think around these parts of folks who hide behind a woman's skirt. We even have a _name_ for 'em. We call 'em "cowards." But _what_, pray tell, is the classification for someone who hides _under_ a woman's skirt? Well, friends, for lack of a better term, we'll simply call him "Plucky," for indeed, that is his name, as he makes a beeline straight for the nearest cover he can find, which just happens to be Honey Bunny's brand-new gingham dress with the ankle-length skirt, which at that moment Honey happened to be wearing! Plucky swooped under the skirt and clung tightly to Honey's left thigh. This, needless to say, does not exactly meet with Honey's approval. "What th--?" she asked, slightly bewildered; then, looking down, she sternly added, "Plucky, get out of there, right now..." She would have said a lot more, except that a large, dark shadow suddenly loomed over the petite fembunny. Honey slowly raised her head and found herself looking right into the evil face of a determined doofus. "Huh?" she asked hesitantly. Charlie glared at her. "Shaddup, rabbit, you got somethin' I want!" he growled, as he suddenly and without warning, thrust his large hand under Honey's dress in an attempt to find Plucky. Now, friends, put yourself in this situation: You're just coming out of a local store, and you see the sight I just described. Now, if you didn't _know_ that all Charlie was looking for was a duck, well, then, naturally you just might assume the worst was happening. And if you're any type of hero, and you come across the sight I just mentioned, well, then, naturally you'd just want to _do_ something about that. And _if_ your name happens to be Buster Bunny, well, then, you not only _want_ to do something about it, you just _do_ it. And so he does, as he sneaks up behind Charlie, cracks a walnut and sticks an index finger in Charlie's back. Since Charlie can't see this, of course, the effect makes him just a trifle nervous. "CLICK." Charlie suddenly stopped his frantic groping for Plucky. "_Uh_- ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh..." he said slowly. Buster immediately went to work. "Unless you want to have memories of waving goodbye," the blue bunny drawled menacingly, "you'll take your hand outta there...or else." "But...but...I'm just looking for..." Charlie protested, but his attempt to explain what he was doing fell on deaf, uninterested blue ears. "I _KNOW_ what you're looking for, and frankly, I think it's just DISGUSTING!" Buster affirmed. By this time a small, but growing, crowd was gathering. It was also at this moment that Babs and Mary emerged from Miss Molly Goodgolly's shop, saw this bizarre sight, and decided to help by running up to Charley and kicking him in the shins. Hard. "What do you think you're doing, you prevert?" Babs yelled. "Ow! Hey! Cut it out!" Charlie protested. "I'm just looking for a..." "We _KNOW_ what you're looking for, bub, and frankly it makes us just want to puke!" Mary yelled. Then she stopped for a moment, looked at Babs, and said, "Did I just say that?" "You did," Babs replied. Then the girls, resplendent in their new cowgirl boots with the sharp, pointed toes, resumed kicking Charlie. Needless to say, the ensuing commotion, not mention Charlie's howls of increasing pain, do not go unnoticed by the finely-tuned ears of two- thirds of America's Favorite Cowboys, who are getting the last of their supplies for Famed Old Harmony Ranch. "Hey, Ranger Doug, that sounds like quite a commotion out there," said Too Slim. "What do you think it is?" "I don't know, Slim, but I don't _have_ to know. Let's find out." And so, Ranger Doug and Too Slim stepped outside to see what was going on. Now, neighbors, if you've been brought up to believe that the defense of Western Women, be they people or rabbits, is a proper thing to do, and that virtue should always triumph over villainy, and that no bad deed should ever go unchallenged, and IF you're The Idol of American Youth, and the first thing you see when you step outside is...well, you know... well, then, naturally, you not only _want_ to do something about it, but it's your _DUTY_ to do something about it! And as well we know, there is just no greater paragon of virtue in Tumbleweed Valley, or anywhere else, for that matter, than Ranger Doug! And so, it's only a few short seconds later (although for Honey it seems like an eternity), that a big, hulking, 300-pound doofus with his hand up a rabbit's skirt who's really only looking for a duck, hears... "CLICK." "_Uh_-ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Charlie groaned. "Not again!" "Unless you want to have nothing but memories of finger-painting," Ranger Doug said coolly, "you'll take those hands out from where they don't belong...now." To emphasize his point, Ranger Doug pressed the barrel of his six-shooter into the back of Charlie's head. "It's _NOT_ what you guys are thinking," Charlie protested; but the evidence of their eyes convinced both Riders and Toons, not to mention an even curiouser crowd, that there just wasn't gonna be any way Charlie was gonna be able to talk his way out of this one. "I'm only looking for..." "We _KNOW_ what you're looking for," Slim asserted, "and frankly, we're steamed! Hmph!" Buster looked up casually at the silver-haired bass player. "That's tellin' him, Slim," the blue bunny quipped sarcastically. "I'm just looking for a duck," Charlie pleaded. "Hah! A _LIKELY_ story!" Ranger Doug said emphatically. "Why don't I believe you?" Now, friends and neighbors, let me recap this scene for you just in case you had to leave the room. Plucky is hiding under the ankle-length gingham skirt of Honey Bunny. Charlie knows Plucky is hiding there and is attempting to remove him. The Toons and the Riders see this, and not knowing a duck is hiding under there, naturally assume Charlie has become even more depraved than usual. It is just about this time, his hands having been boiled to remove every known trace of shaking hands with Sheriff Drywall, that Bugs Bunny happens upon this scene. "Well, it stang a little, but it was woith it," Bugs said to himself. "Crusader Rabbit, my Aunt Fan--" Then, Bugs comes upon the bizarre sight that you all know by now. "SPROINNNNNGGGGG!!!" said Bugs. Now, neighbors, if you're The Most Famous Cartoon Rabbit in America, and you see some lowlife doofus apparently taking liberties with your new bride, well, you'd do what Bugs did...carefully sneaking up behind Charlie...and then walloping him with a large cartoon mallet. "OW!!!" was the last conscious thought Charlie had that day as he slumped to the ground, holding his head, while Ranger Doug and Too Slim kept their shiny six-shooters aimed squarely at him. "You okay, Hon?" Bugs asked as he embraced his blushing bride. "I...I think so, Bugsy..." "He didn't hoit ya or nothin'?" "No, Bugsy, but I am rather embarrassed by all this. I just want to get back to the ranch." All of a sudden, Sheriff Drywall made his way through the cheering crowd, who were happy to see Charlie get what was coming to him, even though he was only looking for a duck. "All right," Drywall drawled, "stand aside, let me through, let me..." Then Drywall's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "What in Blue Blazes is going on here?" "It's simple enough, Sheriff," Ranger Doug explained. "Charlie was... well, that is, he was..." Looking quickly at Honey, and feeling rather uncomfortable about the whole thing, said, "There are some things a gentleman just never discusses in the presence of a lady." But Bugs was not quite so discreet. "Dis big doofus had his grimy meathooks under my goil's skoit. Lock him up." Drywall turned toward the Riders and the Toons. "Is that right?" "Yeah," Buster said grimly. "He _claimed_ he was looking for a duck." "Is that right?" Drywall asked the crowd. "Yeah, sure, whatever," the crowd answered in unison. Drywall then turned his attention to Honey. "It's really up to you, ma'am, as the offended party, you have the right to press charges." Honey considered this for a moment. "Ummm, if it's all the same to everybody, I'd just as soon forget the whole thing ever happened. After all, he _was_ only looking for a duck." "WHAT?" everybody asked in unison. "You heard me," Honey said simply. "Okay, Plucky, you can come out now, Charlie's not gonna bother you for some time...ARE you, Charlie?" "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...." Charlie groaned. Taking a quick peek from the hem of Honey's dress and seeing the big doofus down on the ground, Plucky breathed a sigh of relief and boldly came out from his hiding place, and began walking to where he lay. "THAT'LL teach you to..." Plucky started to say, when Buster tapped him on the shoulder. "Pluckster," Buster said, "don't push whatever's left of your luck." "Well, whaddya know? Da big joik wasn't kiddin'!" Bugs said with some astonishment. At that moment, Woody Paul finally happened upon the scene. "Ranger Doug," Woody said, almost out of breath, "we got trouble! Charlie's back in town, and..." Then he looked to where everyone was calmly pointing. "Oh...so you know already." "We know," The Ranger replied. "And we also know that wherever Charlie is, Slocum can't be far behind!" "Slocum?" Buster asked. "That sounds like somethin' you'd wanna wash off your hands!" Then adopting a childish persona, he turned toward Babs. "Oh, Mother Dear, may I go out to play?" "Not until you wash your hands! You've got SLOCUM on them!" Babs replied in a Motherly-type voice. Buster took one look at his paws and screamed a high-decibel scream. Ranger Doug and Slim laughed momentarily, then stopped. "You don't know how right you are, Buster," Ranger Doug said. "What is a 'Slocum', anyway?" asked Babs. Slim sighed. "'Slocum' isn't a 'what,' Babs, he's...he's...he's evil on two legs in wing-tip shoes and a polyester-serge suit. He's the lowest of the low, he loves money, and hates everything else!" "So, eh, don't hold back, whaddya _really_ t'ink of dis guy?" Bugs asked nonchalantly. "Let's put it this way," said Ranger Doug, "he isn't anybody you want to mess with...not even as a joke." The Toons considered this for a moment. "Are you kidding? Bring him on, dealing with jerks happens to be our specialty!" Plucky boasted. It was at this point that Bugs and Buster suddenly picked Plucky up and threw him bodily into the back of Honey's truck before his big yap got him into any more trouble. "Can we please go back to the ranch?" Honey asked plaintively. "I'd like to get in a nice afternoon of horseback riding before it gets dark, and there's some wonderful scenery I saw on the way into town that I'd like to explore..." "Sounds like a good idea. Maybe Side Meat's got lunch ready by now," Too Slim agreed. "Well, in that case, maybe we oughta just stay in town for the rest of the day," grumbled Woody. Mary looked up quizzically at the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers, the fringe on his tastefully-decorated Western shirt with the double- inverted horseshoes above each shoulder moving with the slight breeze that had just come up. "Is his cooking really that bad?" "Well, let me put it _this_ way, Mary...it ain't _good_," Woody Paul replied. For some reason, everybody in the crowd was quick to agree. "In that case, we'll have lunch at Dottie's, and then head back to the ranch. Then Honey, you can freshen up and get in a full afternoon of riding. They have some great horse trails around here, especially by the old Lloyd bridges," Ranger Doug said, sounding like the Tumbleweed County Chamber of Commerce Representative (which he was in his free time). Plucky looked puzzled. "Lloyd Bridges? What's HE doing in this story?" "No, no," corrected Slim, "_The_ Lloyd bridges. It's a pair of concrete and steel bridges that span the mighty Joan rivers." Babs eyed him warily. "Joan Rivers?" Slim was, however, already ahead of her. "No, Babs, _The_ Joan Rivers...it's the river with the biggest mouth in all of Tumbleweed County!" "We _guessed_ that," Buster kidded as the gang piled into Honey's powder-blue Chevy Blazer, and the Riders mounted their horses and headed back to Harmony Ranch. Everyone else lost interest in the big hulking doofus, who was only now coming back to what, for him, came something close to, but not quite, total consciousness. It was then that Charlie became aware of someone standing over him. Someone short, evil, in a polyester-serge suit and pencil-thin mustache...with a load of papers and a small, clear glass bottle marked "Crumbumbium" in his hands. He unceremoniously dropped them on Charlie's gut. "I send you out to do something, and I find you laying down on the job!" sneered Slocum. "I told you to get rid of this stuff!" "Ow...not so loud, Slocum, my head feels like it was hit with... with..." Charlie grabbed his still-throbbing head. "With what?" "I dunno, Slocum, I can't describe it, it felt like...like a... like a big cartoon wooden mallet!" Slocum shook his head disapporovingly. "I never thought _you'd_ be one to go tie one on this early in the day, heh-heh-heh...now get going, Charlie! We're just lucky that Drywall or those goody-good Nitwits In The Sky didn't come upon this stuff!" As Charlie sat up and gathered the documents in his hands, he looked at the small glass bottle. "Hey, Slocum, what _DID_ we ever get this stuff for?" "I don't know and I can't remember. Obviously, though, it's been sitting around for years...just get rid of it, okay?" "Okay, okay," grumbled Charlie, as he headed to the back of the Dry Gulch Saloon and mounted his horse. "Come on, Bluto, we've got dirty work to do, heh...heh-heh...heh-heh-heh..." And so, Charlie rides off to do some dirty work, all the while hoping that somehow, before the day is through, he'll cross paths with those cartoon characters that he encountered that afternoon... especially a certain silly green duck. Charlie doesn't know it, of course, but he'll get his wish...much sooner than he--or _they_-- expect... Meanwhile, back at Famed Old Harmony Ranch, things are about to become less than harmonious for a certain gray-and-white fembunny, who thought she'd already been through enough for one afternoon. It seems that Honey Bunny has made the mistake of trying to tell Side Meat how he could improve his cooking...and now, Side Meat is about to demonstrate why that is not such a good idea... "Now, th' first thing ya gotta understand about cookin' here in my kitchen..." Side Meat began. Honey smiled sweetly. "Yes?" Side Meat wasted no time. "Th' _first_ thing you gotta learn is... NO WIMMIN IN MY DOGGONE KITCHEN!!! PERIOD!!!" And before Honey could get out of the way, and to demonstrate who was boss in the culinary arts at Harmony Ranch, Side Meat began flinging biscuits at the very surprised fembunny. "What th--OW! HEY! That HURT!" Honey yelled. "Good! Have some more!" Side Meat yelled back, flinging more biscuits at the poor fembunny with uncanny accuracy, each one hitting their mark, which was the back of Honey's head. She ran out of the kitchen as fast as her big feet would carry her, screaming for help as loud as she could. "HELP!!! BUGS! BUSTER!! RANGER DOUG!!!" Honey's screams echoed across Famed Old Harmony Ranch, and immediately caught the ears of the folks she had just named. Quickly, they ran to her aid, and were somewhat surprised to see the Sweetest Fembunny In All Toondom dodging biscuits right and left. "BUGSY! HELP!! OW!!! SIDE MEAT, STOP THAT!!! OW!!!" Just as quickly, Side Meat came out the front door of the main ranch house, an armload of biscuits at the ready, when he suddenly came to a stop in front of Ranger Doug, who was less than pleased with the crusty old camp cook. "And just _what_ did you think you were going to do with those?" The Ranger said, his arms folded, a stern expression on his face. Side Meat hemmed and hawed for a bit. "Well, I was a-gonna...well, that is...ohhhh, mwah-whew! I was goin' to..." He finally shrugged, because he knew it was pointless to try to make a lame excuse to The Idol of American Youth. Taking a deep breath, Side Meat looked Ranger Doug straight in the eyes and said, "I was...flingin' these biscuits at that rabbit..." "You were," Ranger Doug said. "Yes, I were...I mean, was," Side Meat admitted. "Mind telling us why?" Buster asked, as Honey sought and got the safe assurance of Bugs's embrace. "You okay, Baby Doll?" Bugs asked his bride. Honey rubbed the back of her head. "I'm not sure, Bugsy...those things hurt!" Bugs then looked sternly at Side Meat. "You better have a good reason for doin' dis to my goil," he told him. "Well..." Side Meat began. "Not good enough!" Bugs yelled, grabbing the biscuits from Side Meat's arms and flinging them back at him. It made for quite a comical sight, a crusty old camp cook being pelted with his own weapons of mass destruction--namely, his biscuits--and being chased around Famed Old Harmony Ranch by Bugs Bunny. Finally, though, Side Meat surrendered, which was just as well, because Bugs had run out of biscuits. As Woody Paul and Too Slim came on the scene just in time to pick up the biscuits that were all over the place, Buster and Bugs turned toward Ranger Doug. "Say, Cowboy Dan," Bugs said. "That's Ranger Doug," The Ranger replied. Bugs merely shrugged. "Eh, okay, if dat's da story you wanna stick wit', yer writin' yer own ticket..." Buster picked up one of the biscuits at his feet and was surprised at how heavy they were. "Hey, no wonder Honey was calling for help! These things aren't light, are they?" the blue bunny asked. The Riders regrouped beside the bunnies. "No, they're not," Ranger Doug agreed. "In fact, Buster, Side Meat's biscuits are..." (MUSIC: ACCORDION STING) RIDERS IN THE SKY: (In unison) "...THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO MAN!!!" At this point, Honey rejoined them, having changed into her blue jeans, pink blouse and cowbunny hat. "You can say _that_ again, guys." "Oh, okay," Slim said, and before they could be stopped, The Riders said... (MUSIC: ACCORDION STING) RIDERS IN THE SKY: (In unison) "...THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE KNOWN..." "Okay, we get da idea!" Bugs snapped. By this time, Mary and Plucky had joined the little group. "Hey, Buster, what was all that commotion?" asked Mary. "Yeah, did we miss anything?" Plucky inquired. Buster exchanged looks with Bugs and The Riders, who all shrugged slightly. "Ummm...yes and no," he finally said. "Honey, I think for your own safety, you'd better steer clear of Side Meat for a while," Ranger Doug advised. "Yeah," added Woody. "Like, for the length of your stay..." "Especially while he's still able to...ahem...cook," said Slim. Slim's thoughts were interrupted by another commotion inside the main ranchhouse. "What in the...?" "It sounds like World War III's goin' on in there!" exclaimed Woody. Suddenly the air was shattered with a piercing scream. "OW!!! BUSTER!!!" The blue bunny's ears perked up immediately. "That's Babs! Come on!" But before Buster and the gang could come to her aid, Babs met them running out the door, a cranky old camp cook right behind her, carrying an armload of biscuits. "Oh, not again!" cried Honey, as a biscuit knocked Babs down. The gang rushed to her side, and she looked up dazedly at Buster. "You know..." Babs said in mock theatrics, "...you never see the biscuit with your name on it..." Then she threw her head back, crossed her eyes and let her tongue hang out of the left side of her mouth. Buster looked sternly at Side Meat. "Okay, you," he said determinedly, "now it's person...OW!" Buster dropped to the ground as another biscuit found its mark. Shaking his head, he picked up the offending pastry and was about to fling it back at Side Meat when he took a good look at it. "Well, whaddya know," he finally said, "Babs was right! You never see the biscuit with...hey, there's not supposed to be two S's in Buster!" By now, though, Ranger Doug had seen enough. "Side Meat, get back in the kitchen! And _don't_ throw any more biscuits again! You could knock someone senseless with those lead-lined hockey pucks!" The old "sidekick's sidekick" turned and ambled slowly back into the ranchhouse. "Well, with cartoon characters, who's gonna know th' diff'rence," he grumbled, closing the door behind him. The Riders turned to the Toons with slightly weary expressions. "Guys, we're really sorry about this," Ranger Doug said, "I really don't know what got into him, he usually doesn't act like that." "Yeah," agreed Too Slim. "Sometime's he's even worse..." "You caught him on one of his good days," added Woody Paul. Bugs pulled out a pocket watch from one of those "built-in" pockets that all toons seem to have, and studied it intently. "Hmmm...ya know, dere's a stage leavin' for Tuscon in about 15 minutes...see if ya can arrange for him ta be _under_ it," he quipped dryly. Meanwhile, Honey had calmly regathered her wits and was checking her horse trailer. "I think, for my own safety, that Ranger Doug is right," she said softly. "I hadn't planned on going riding _this_ early in the afternoon, but under the circumstances, it might not be a bad idea...anybody want to come along?" Bugs immediately got the Toons in a huddle. "Kids, dat's just what I was gonna suggest. You don't mind keepin' an eye on her, do ya? I mean, after all dat's happened so far, I'd hate like heck ta have anyt'ing _else_ happen to her..." Buster smiled. "Sure, we'll keep an eye on her. No problemo!" "You can count on us, Bugs," Babs agreed, "we won't let anything happen to her!" "They haven't built the biscuit that can get by me," Mary said with a determined look on her pretty face. Plucky threw up his hands in disgust. "Oh, for corn's sake! She's only gonna go horseback riding! But if it makes you happy, I'll protect your precious main squeeze." Bugs regarded the silly green duck casually. "Eh...t'anks, duck...but I could hope for more protection then _dat_..." And so, Honey Bunny and the Tiny Toons pile into her powder-blue Blazer with matching horse trailer, and head off to an afternoon of what they hope will be some peaceful horseback riding, unaware of the danger that awaits them...a danger that even now has just arrived at the Lloyd bridges with an armload of useless big and evil plans ...and a small, seemingly insignificant clear glass bottle... "Here ya go, over the side," Charlie growled as he dumped the papers over the side of one of the dual concrete bridges into the rapid rushing waters of the Joan Rivers. He watched intently as the mighty waters, some 2000 feet below, swallowed up the papers and swiftly swept them away, down the river, around a bend, and out of sight, never to be seen again. Satisfied, Charlie stuck his hands in his pockets and started back to his horse when he suddenly felt that small glass bottle. "Uh-oh," Charlie thought to himself, "I forgot about this..." He pulled out the bottle, looked at the faded yellow label, and wondered some more. "Hmmm...'Crumbumbium'...why would anybody name anything 'Crumbumbium'? Oh, well, Slocum said the stuff wasn't any good, so, over the side with..." But just then, the sound of an approaching vehicle made Charlie drop the bottle, where it shattered at his feet. "Oops, wasn't s'posed to do that," he thought. Then, realizing that there might be witnesses coming up the road leading up to the twin bridges, Charlie quickly ran and hid behind a nearby bush where he had tied his horse. And it was a good thing for Charlie that he got off that bridge when he did, for what Charlie didn't know, and what the folks coming up the road couldn't possibly suspect, is the secret of Crumbumbium. For although Crumbumbium is tasteless, odorless, and colorless, it is, nonetheless, _quite_ dangerous...for Crumbumbium does only _one_ thing...and does it _very_ well indeed...and that is why it's called "Crumbumbium" to begin with: it causes any stone, brick, masonry or concrete surface it happens to come in contact with to _crumble_ and disintegrate into a fine, powdery substance within 10 seconds of application, if more than 8 pounds total pressure is put on it! And the longer it stays in the bottle, the _stronger_ the stuff gets! And that bottle of Crumbumbium had remained unopened in Slocum's files for _TWELVE_ _YEARS_!!! So it was just pure luck that Charlie happened to get off that bridge when he did. From his hiding place behind the bush, Charlie watched as the powder-blue Chevy pulled to a stop, and a familiar-looking bunch of cartoon characters got out. He waited as Honey Bunny went back to the horse trailer and brought out her beuatiful, proportionately-sized young Palomino mare, and the Toons got out their pocket cameras and started taking pictures...all but Plucky, who could've cared less. Charlie glared to see that silly green duck, and reached into his pocket for another stick of Cactus gum. He wadded up the wrapper and threw it over his shoulder and slowly chewed the cactus needle-filled gum, waiting for an opportunity to get at him once and for all. This, of course, is something that the Toons are completely unaware of. They were too busy taking pictures of the wonderful Western scenery. "You know, this is such wonderful Western scenery," Mary said, snapping pictures right and left. "Sure is," Babs agreed. Then, she saw something that made her frown. Quickly, she took a picture of it. "Can you believe there'd be litterbugs out here?" "Huh? What are you talking about?" Buster asked. Then he saw where Babs was pointing to. "Whoa! Now, who dropped a bottle and didn't clean it up?" Then, because he _was_, after all, a member in good standing of The Bunny Scouts, Buster headed back to Honey's Chevy just as Honey was securing her horse's saddle. "You wouldn't happen to have a whisk broom and a small litter bag in there, would you?" he asked. "Glove compartment," Honey grinned, then mounted her horse named Goldengirl, and quickly they headed for the bridge. Buster looked up from his search for the broom and litter bag and started to yell after her, "Honey! Wait! There's some broken..." But Honey had already reached the bridge and was halfway across in a full gallop when the unthinkable occured... Now, it behooves me to point out for those unacquainted with the finer points of toon physics that, being cartoon characters to begin with, in _their_ world, they really don't carry very much actual physical weight. Once they cross the border into reality, however, then they actually do carry a certain amount of physical weight. It's just simple physics. But even at her full weight, Honey Bunny only weighs 5 and a half pounds, certainly not enough to activate a Crumbumbium-soaked surface. Honey's horse, however, for reasons that I don't have time to go into here and couldn't even _begin_ to explain adequately, is a very _real_ horse...and as anyone who's ever had a horse step on his or her foot will tell you, real horses--even ones as small as Goldengirl--weigh a whole lot more than 8 pounds! So it is that Honey and Goldengirl get no more than halfway across the Crumbumbium-soaked half of the Lloyd bridges than... "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" The sudden terrified scream gets the attention of the Tiny Toons, who can only watch in stunned horror as the bridge, without any prior warning, gives way and crumbles under the weight of the small Palomino! Honey and Goldengirl tumble end over end helplessly, 2000 feet below and into the powerful rushing waters of the mighty Joan Rivers! The sudden impact knocks Goldengirl unconscious, and the force of the river sweeps the poor horse away and out of sight of the Toons. Honey is likewise stunned by the impact, and sinks below the water's surface. The Toons, horrified, are frozen where they stand, unable to help. Even Plucky is rendered speechless. Nobody says anything for several minutes. The only sound is that of the mighty river. Then suddenly, as though it were a scene in a bad John Carpenter movie, Honey Bunny's head dramatically breaks the surface of the water! She's stunned, disoriented, but is rapidly becoming aware of one undeniable fact: she is in a whole lot of trouble! "Oh my gosh! Somebody _do_ something!" Babs shrieked. "_What_ would you suggest?" Plucky asked sharply. Buster and Mary watched as the rapid rushing river bounced poor Honey around like a bathtub toy. Even though she was an Olympic- caliber swimmer, Honey had never swam in anything bigger than the Acme Looniversity swimming pool. In moving water, however, she was clearly out of her element. The Toons were so intent on paying attention to Honey that none of them noticed a 300-pound doofus get on a horse and ride away... "Buster! How are we going to save her?" Mary asked, clearly frightened. "That's just it, Mar, we _can't_! It's gotta be at least 2000 feet down to the river, and even if any of us could get down there, we'd never reach her in time! But I know she can't possibly last much longer the way that river's battin' her around..." Then, a bright idea came to Buster. Okay, maybe it wasn't so bright; in fact, it was darn close to desperate; but it was better than not doing anything at all. Quickly, he turned to Plucky. "Okay, Plucky, go down there and save her!" The duck did a quick double-take. "Wha-huh-who, _ME_?" Buster glared at him. "Yes, _YOU_. You can _fly_! She only weighs 5 and a half pounds, you can just swoop down and pick her up!" "But..." Plucky protested. "You're the only hope she's got," Buster pleaded. "...but..." Plucky protested again. "You'll be a hero," Babs added. "...but..." Plucky protested one more time. "And if you don't fly down there, we're gonna _throw_ you down there!" Mary threatened. Plucky shrugged helplessly. Against such stellar logic, what choice did he have? "Hero, huh?...Okay, I'll DO it!" But just as Plucky was getting ready to take off, Babs noticed something that made her scream. "HONEY! LOOK OU..." she started; but it was too late. A large chunk of the fallen bridge, which had lodged itself against a rock in the river path, suddenly came loose, and carried forward by the incredible force of the mighty Joan Rivers, struck an unaware Honey on the back of her head, opening a large wound and knocking the poor girl unconscious! The Toons watched in horror as the poor rabbit bobbed twice in the water, sank slightly, and then was carried away from their sight, around the bend to her apparent demise. As they sat staring, unbelieving, none of them said a word. It was moments before anybody said anything at all; and at last, it was a tearful Mary Melody who gave voice to the question that none of the other Toons wanted to ask: "..sniff...Wh..sob...who's...who's going to tell Bugs?" ============================================================= (MUSIC : ACCORDION STING, followed by Serial Theme Playout) Is this the end of Honey Bunny? Who is going to have the painful duty of telling Bugs? What did Monty sneak away for? And why is it called the Joan Rivers when there's only _one_ of them? Well, faithful readers, you won't find the answers by playing your favorite Beatles records backwards, but you _will_ find them right here, same time, same webspace, next month in Episode Four of "The Toony Way," entitled... "WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD TOONS." It's thought-provoking, gut-wrenching, nail-biting Dr. Laura-type psycho-babbling Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama that you _WON'T_ want to miss, and it's coming only to _THIS_..._INTERNET_OF_THE_MIND_!!! ======================================================== THE LAWYERS _STILL_ MADE US DO IT DEPT.: TINY TOON ADVENTURES, LOONEY TUNES, and all related characters, slogans and indicia are trademarks of and copyrighted (C)1998 by Warner Bros., Inc., a Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved. All RIDERS IN THE SKY related characters and elements are (C)1998 by RIDERS IN THE SKY and SONGS OF THE SAGE, INC. (BMI) All Rights Reserved. Story (C)1997, 1998 Lee M. Withers. This is an original work of fan fiction based in part on the Warner Bros.-Amblin Entertainment TV series TINY TOON ADVENTURES and the nationally-syndicated Public Radio program RIDERS RADIO THEATER, A Mammoth Radio Pictures Production in association with WVXU/The X-Star Radio Network, and no claim is made by the author on the copyrights held by the copyright owners. Cast and guests of Acme Riders Internet Radio Theater bunk at the Woody Paul Wing of the Quality Inn Central in Norwood, Ohio.