"THE TOONY WAY" by Lee M. Withers (A Cartoon/Cowboy Melodrama in 13 Episodes.) The setting: A soundstage located somewhere in the theater of the mind. Standing at center stage are the hosts of TINY TOON ADVENTURES, BABS and BUSTER BUNNY. Also standing with them are the award-winning singing Cowboy trio, RIDERS IN THE SKY, who are bespectacled, walrus mustachioed bunkhouse bass player TOO SLIM (The Man With A Dozen Friends), the fringe-wearin'est, rope-trickin'est, and easily the most needlessly overeducated member of the group, His Royal Majesty, WOODY PAUL (The King of The Cowboy Fiddlers), and strumming a few jazz-inspired chords on his yellow-bodied Harmony acoustic, the front man of the trio, The Idol of American Youth, RANGER DOUG. Off to one side of this unlikely gathering, nimbly demonstrating to Babs and Buster's co-stars PLUCKY DUCK and MARY MELODY how the TINY TOONS THEME sounds as a polka, is The Sultan of The Stomach Steinway, JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING." Poised behind a large old-fashioned announcer's microphone stands the Announcer/ Narrator of the Riders' serials, TEXAS BIX BENDER (The Voice That Sold A Million Baby Chicks Over Border Radio). Suddenly, the "ON AIR" light in the soundstage comes on, and Toons and Riders suddenly come to attention and do what they do best... they PUT ON A SHOW! TEXAS BIX BENDER: And now, it's time for that popular feature, "Who Wants To Know?" Here again are your hosts, Babs and Buster Bunny! BABS AND BUSTER: (Cheerfully) No relation! BUSTER: Thanks, Texas Bix! That's right, it's time for "Who Wants To Know," that popular feature where we answer your questions about all the stories we appear in on the web, like, "What was the TTA episode reference in that story last month?"... BABS: ....or, "Why doesn't Fifi get her own show?"... BUSTER: Um, yeah... BABS: ....or the question we get most frequently around here, "What are you guys trying to pull?"... BUSTER: (Slightly peeved)... _thanks_, Babs. Anyway, for the benefit of any newcomers, here's the rules for questions: You ask 'em, we _answer_ 'em, right, Babs? BABS: Right!... if they're not too stupid... BUSTER: Right... ahem, and joining us today on the show are three guys in tastefully-decorated cowboy outfits who just happen to be celebrating their 20th Anniversary this year, our special guests, America's Favorite Cowboys, RIDERS IN THE SKY! RIDERS: Howdy! RANGER DOUG: And may I say on behalf of all of us how... BUSTER: (Quickly interrupting) Gee, thanks, Ranger Doug, Babs, isn't there a question somebody should be asking? BABS: (Cheerfully) Right you are, Buster! And I think I hear that old Phony Express rider comin' in now! (B&B and the RIDERS all put their hands to their left ears at the sound of approaching hoofbeats, followed by a descending slide whistle, which is followed by the sounds of plenty of breaking glass.) RANGER DOUG: (After a beat) Well, it sounds like my 3-D collector's lifesize bust of Adrienne Barbeau finally arrived! BUSTER: Reach into that mess, there, Babs, and pull out today's Gold Star Question... watch out for slivers... BABS: (Neatly avoiding the shards and deftly plucking a pair of postcards) Got it! (Reads the cards) Hey, get this! We have TWO Gold Star Question writers today, and they're from different ends of the reality spectrum, and they BOTH want to know the same thing about our guests, Riders In The Sky! (Needless to say, RIDERS IN THE SKY are pleased at this.) TOO SLIM: Well, we're here to answer their questions! I suppose they want to know about how to play the face, or why I started the "Paul Is Dead" thing back in the late 60s... WOODY PAUL: ....or how I play the fiddle so well, or how to do "The Cowboy Wedding Ring," or want me to explain in detail the intricacies of plasma physics... RANGER DOUG: ....or what the meaning of "The Cowboy Way" is, or how I was inspired by Elton Britt records to develop yodeling to... BUSTER: (Studying the postcards)...umm, actually, it's none of the above. Our postal pals are Miss Sara Lee Hammersmith-Odeon from way over there, and Eric at Box 42 in TV City... BABS: And their question regarding Riders In The Sky is... "Who ARE these guys???" (An embarrassed silence fills the soundstage as the smiles on the Riders freeze, then fade away like the setting sun. Finally, after nobody says anything for a few minutes, Too Slim attempts an answer.) TOO SLIM: Who _are_ we? We're America's Favorite Cowboys, _that's all. We've only been doing this for 20 Years, _That's_ all. We've only had three TV series, a long-running public radio program, produced over 15 albums, and logged over 1.5 million miles on the road bringing wholesome, decent Cowboy harmony and comedy to the folks, _THAT'S_ all... (Ranger Doug heads Slim off at the pass before he makes this opening sketch even worse than it already is.) RANGER DOUG: Slim, while what you say is true, and they can look it up if they so desire, getting upset at a couple of letter writers would be the _easy_ way...but it _wouldn't_ be... (At this point, all three Riders chime in with their trademark slogan and mantra.) RIDERS: ....THE _COWBOY_ WAY!!! BABS: So, who _ARE_ you guys? BUSTER: (Hurriedly cutting her off the mike before she gets herself in _real_ trouble) WellgeeBabsthatwasreallyveryinterestingbutOOPS! lookatthetimewillyouwehavetogetunderwaywiththeserialnowsothanks alotforthequestionwehopedweansweredthemtothebestofourknowledge anduntilnexttimewhenweanswerthequestion"WhateverhappenedtoEdd 'Kookie'Byrnes?"thisisBusterBunnyonbehalfofBabsandourguests RidersInTheSkysayingstay'toonedforthesecondinstallmentofour specialserialparody"TheToonyWay"TEXASBIXGETUSOUTOFTHIS! TEXAS BIX: That's all the time we have for that popular feature, "Who Wants To Know?" Please stay tuned to this webspace for the continuing special feature, "The Toony Way," coming up next on most of these computer monitors! This is the Mammoth Radio Pictures Network. (RIDERS IN THE SKY imitate cows mooing to the NBC signature theme.) TEXAS BIX: And... we're clear! (General milling about the soundstage as everyone gets ready for the serial to resume. Babs and Buster look at each other and shrug.) BABS: "Riders In The Sky"? BUSTER: Hey, don't ask _me_, I don't book the guests. But, Honey seems to like 'em, so I guess they're okay. BABS: (Briefly considering this) Oh, well, if Honey likes 'em... (Off to one side of the soundstage, RIDERS IN THE SKY, TEXAS BIX and JOEY "THE COW POLKA KING" are in a huddled confab.) TEXAS BIX: "Tiny Toon Adventures"? JOEY: Who booked us for this? TOO SLIM: That's the last time we work with cartoon characters... WOODY PAUL: Yeah...'Who are these guys?'... RANGER DOUG: I know how you feel, boys, but we do have a contract, so we have to honor it. It's... TOO SLIM: Yeah, we know, it's "The Cowboy Way"... RANGER DOUG: No, Slim, actually, it's the "Keeping Our Tails Out of Court For Breach of Contract Way!" And besides, Honey seems to like them, so I _guess_ they're okay... (The rest of RIDERS IN THE SKY consider this.) TOO SLIM: Oh, well, if _Honey_ likes them... (FADE TO BLACK as stage manager counts down to broadcast.) (RIDERS RADIO THEATER Serial Theme plays in the background) TEXAS BIX: And now, MAMMOTH RADIO PICTURES in association with TTAFF-- whatever that means--presents the ongoing saga of "The Cowboy Way." This month, Episode 2 of the exciting, SPECIAL Cartoon/ Cowboy Melodrama, "The Toony Way." As faithful readers will no doubt recall, RIDERS IN THE SKY were taking a post-breakfast stroll around their home, Famed Old Harmony Ranch, discussing what happened to their arch enemies Slocum and Charlie at the end of the previous serial, when without warning Woody Paul and the Riders' sidekick, SIDE MEAT, stumble into what appear to be two large gopher holes... TOO SLIM: Whoa! You boys okay? WOODY: Yeah, we're all right, but, where'd all these gopher holes come from? TEXAS BIX: ....some quick deduction from The Idol of American Youth, RANGER DOUG, concludes that these gopher holes were made by gophers. Ranger Doug is content to let the creatures be, until Side Meat points out that those gophers have just demolished The Ranger's newly reseeded horsehoe pitching field, prompting Ranger Doug to take matters into his own two hands... RANGER DOUG: Slim, hand me that 20-pound sledgehammer... TEXAS BIX: ....but America's Favorite Cowboys are in for quite a surprise, as instead of a large gopher coming up at their feet, instead it turns out to be... BUGS: Eh...what's up, Doc?(tm) TOO SLIM: Bugs Bunny?! What are _YOU_ doing here? TEXAS BIX: ....It turns out that what Bugs Bunny is doing here is getting lost, having made another one of his famous wrong turns at a famous New Mexico city. And he didn't get lost alone, for he brought with him his protege BUSTER BUNNY and his girlfriend BABS... BABS AND BUSTER: ....No relation!(tm)... TEXAS BIX: ....their friend and fellow Acme Looniversity classmate PLUCKY DUCK... PLUCKY: (Unenthusiastically) Yee...ha. TEXAS BIX: ....who are shortly joined by bit player extraordinaire MARY MELODY... MARY: (Shrugging) Oh well, another cameo, another paycheck... TEXAS BIX: ....and last but never least, Bugs Bunny's longtime girlfriend, the Sweetest Fembunny in All Toondom, HONEY BUNNY... RIDERS: WHO??? HONEY: (Sigh)...I get _that_ a _LOT_... TEXAS BIX: ....It turns out that Bugs and crew had actually intended to spend part of their summer vacation at Bugs's Uncle Buck's Lost Rabbit Gold and Silver Mine in Gower Gulch, which is, as far as anyone knows, nowhere NEAR Tumbleweed Valley, where The Riders live. So, America's Favorite Cowboys decide to offer their new acquaintances the chance to stay at Famed Old Harmony Ranch until they can get their bearings straight... BUSTER: I don't mind... MARY: What _else_ am I gonna do for 13 episodes?... BABS: If there isn't a _mall_ around here, I'm gonna kill someone... PLUCKY: (Unenthusiastically) Yee...ha... HONEY: Cheer up, Plucky. What could happen? (Accordion sting) TEXAS BIX: It's time to find out what could happen, Honey, as we now present Episode Two of "The Toony Way," entitled: "BY THE WINK OF AN EYE AND THE PRICK OF MY THUMBS, SOMETHING _STUPID_ THIS WAY COMES!" (SFX: Thunder crashes) (SFX: Maniacal laughter) (SFX: Woman screams) =============================================== Realizing that there are some people reading this story who may not be familiar with Riders In The Sky, Tumbleweed Valley, or the many assorted characters who inhabit this last vestige of the West in the late 20th Century, a bit of backtracking becomes necessary. You'll recall, dear friends, in Episode One, Riders In The Sky mentioned that things were a little too peaceful in Tumbleweed Valley since their arch enemies, Slocum and Charlie, were literally sent up the river in an atomic powered kayak, 500 miles per hour in the wrong direction. That was months ago, and everyone had thought that they had seen the last of those two. Oh, how wrong could a whole town be? It's the night of the previous day before the Toonatics arrive at Harmony Ranch. And in Tumbleweed City, under the cover of darkness, two sorry-looking, waterlogged figures slink dejectedly down the dimly lit streets and along the back alleys... two desperadoes waiting for a brain... two denizens of the dark side that followers of these serials know only all _too_ well, and whose acquaintance our toony newcomers to these proceedings will soon wish they'd never made. The short one, with the pencil-thin mustache and the soggy polyester suit, and his henchman companion, a 300-lb. doofus with a brian the size of a peanut, finally reach their objective, whichs faithful followers of these serials know as the back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, which has served as their headquarters for their misguided schemes for lo these many years. Seeing that it's been padlocked under the orders of the local law enforcement official, High Sheriff Drywall Paul, while they were cruising up the river in an atomic powered kayak, does _not_ make them particularly happy. However, when you have a 300-lb. doofus working for you, locks don't usually present a problem. (SFX: Shattered wooden door.) Having re-opened for business, the dastardly duo slink soggily indoors, leaving small puddles of water behind them. They sit at a table in the back of the saloon, and wonder where they went wrong _this_ time. The man in the polyester suit, for the benefit of any newcomers, is nothing less than evil on two legs with wing-tip shoes... a man who personifies nasty, with an attitude... a man who has constantly tried, time and time again, to have things his own way, only to be thwarted time and time again by Riders In The Sky... and his own ineptitude. Oilier than an Indy 500 pit stop, this is none other than Tumbleweed Valley's own Prince of Villains, Algernon Swinbourne Slocum! And as he sits and broods at the table in the back, it becomes clear that this is not a happy homecomeing... "I don't believe it," Slocum grumbles. "Thwarted _again_ by those ridiculous singing cowboys!!! How many times is it _now_, Charlie?" Since the big doofus Slocum has just barked that question to happens to be Charlie, it makes his question very convenient. "I don't know, Boss," Charlie replies in a low, gruff voice, "I gave up keeping track years ago...all that dealing with large numbers sorta makes my head hurt after awhile..." "Well, no matter. They've ruined my plans for the _last_ time." "You're not thinking of retiring, are you, Boss?" "Don't be an _idiot_, Charlie," Slocum sneered. "But I _am_ planning on retiring Riders In The Sky--_PERMANENTLY_!" The evil laugh that escapes his lips carries with it all the unctious insincerity of a disreputable used car salesman. "Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. And in the morning, I think I'll have a 'retirement plan' tailor-made for those three yodeling yahoos...hah! Hah-hah! Hah-hah-hah!" "Heh-heh...rriiiiiigghhht...'retirement plan'...heh... heh-heh..." Charlie agreed. The evilest of schemes come to life in the dead of night, and while he sleeps, Slocum's twisted mind works overtime, hatching what he hopes will be the most heinous scheme in his whole, rotten career. Eventually, though, the long night's journey into day finally comes to an end the next morning, as dawn breaks... (SFX: Breaking glass) ....the sun also rises... (SFX: ascending slide whistle) ....and a new day begins in the unsuspecting Tumbleweed Valley. Meanwhile, back at Harmony Ranch, Ranger Doug, Woody Paul and Too Slim are just now realizing that, yes, they really are talking to a newly-arrived bunch of cartoon characters who've got no idea where in the world they are. The one thing they _do_ know, however, is what a long, strange trip it's been... so far... "Say, I'll bet you guys are hungry after your long, strange trip," Ranger Doug said. "Side Meat, whip up some breakfast for our guests." The grizzled old geezer just sneered. "No!" "Side Meat," Ranger Doug cautioned, "we have _guests_..." "So, let 'em stay at a hotel! I ain't gonna spend most o' th' day cookin' fer a bunch o' cartoon characters, mwah-whew!" "We prefer to be thought of as 'toons,'" Buster offered. "An' _I'D_ prefer ta be thought of as..." Before Side Meat could finish his tirade, Ranger Doug made another valiant but misguided attempt to get him to listen to reason. "Now, Side Meat, you know I can't ORDER you to cook for our guests..." "Yer doggone right," Side Meat agreed. "I realize that you've probably already put away all your pots and pans and dishes, and it would be an extra bit of inconvenience for you to extend some Western hospitality to our new friends..." The toons all smiled sweetly at Side Meat, who thought for a moment about what Ranger Doug had said. "Welll..." It looked for a moment that The Ranger had worn down the geezer's resistance, until Woody Paul and Too Slim called Ranger Doug away. "Uh, Ranger Doug, can we talk to you for just a moment?" "Well, Woody, is it important?" "Oh, we think so," Slim answered. "All right," Ranger Doug said. Turning to Side Meat, he said, "You don't need to answer right away, I'll be right back..." "Oh, that's okay, we've got lots of time to wait for some food of any kind," Plucky grumbled sarcastically. Once they were sure they were out of earshot of the Toons and Side Meat, Woody Paul and Too Slim quickly drew Ranger Doug into a huddle. "Ranger Doug," Slim whispered in hushed tones, "we've never questioned your judgement before, have we?" "Well, no, Slim, you haven't..." "Except for that time in the 'Phantom of the Valley' serial when you began walking into rocks," Woody whispered. "_Thank_ you, Woody, I'd almost conveniently _forgotten_ about that one," The Ranger grimaced. "What's your point?" "Well, Ranger Doug, do you really want to feed those guys _Side_Meat's_ cooking?" Slim asked, a worried look on his face. The Riders cast a glance at the Toons, who smiled pleasantly and waved at them. The Riders smiled and waved back, then returned to the huddle. "Well, they _are_ our guests, boys," Ranger Doug whispered. "But..._Side_Meat's_ cooking? Ranger Doug, is that something you'd _really_ want to do to them?" Slim whispered urgently. "Yeah, Ranger Doug," Woody added, "I mean, we're _used_ to it by now, we've sort of built up an _immunity_ to it...almost... but, they're _new_ here! Who knows _what_ it could do to them?" The Riders looked back at the Toons, who smiled pleasantly and waved. The Riders did the same, then returned to the huddle. "Boys, I appreciate your concern, but may I remind you that they are cartoon characters. You can't kill cartoon characters, even with bad cooking!" The Ranger whispered emphatically. "But Ranger Doug, that's _Bugs Bunny_ with them! Do you _really_ want to be the one responsible for unintentionally poisoning Bugs Bunny?" Woody asked. "_Think_ about it, Ranger Doug," Slim whispered urgently, "..._SIDE_MEAT_..." The Rangers took one more look at the Toons, who smiled and waved one more time. "Okay, boys, I see what you mean," Ranger Doug conceded. Breaking out of the huddle and returning to the group, Ranger Doug beamed, "Side Meat, on second thought, you've been working too hard lately. Why don't you... take the rest of the day off, and we'll treat our new compadres at Dottie's Diner?" "Welll... you don't have to do _that_," Side Meat began. "Oh, yes, we do!" The Ranger asserted, as he quickly gave Honey Bunny directions to Dottie's. The pretty gray and white fembunny listened attentively and nodded. "All right, I think I got all that," she said. "Okay, gang, everybody in the truck!" As the Toons piled into the powder blue vehicle, Riders In The Sky mounted their horses. "Keep an eye on things 'til we get back, Side Meat," Ranger Doug said as he mounted his majestic Palomino, The Amazing Turbo, the Wonder Horse of the West. "Come on, boys... let's RIDE!" And with America's Favorite Cowboys leading the way, in no time at all the Toons were being treated to true Western hospitality, not to mention a decent meal, at Dottie's Diner. While they were enjoying lunch, The Riders listened as Bugs told the tale of his Uncle Buck's recent strike in Gower Gulch. "So, Bugs," Woody asked, "your Uncle's really loaded, eh?" "Oh, used ta get dat way," Bugs said between sips of carrot juice, "finally had ta lay off da stuff..." Honey Bunny quickly elbowed him in the side. Bugs turned and glared at her. "HEY!... _OH!_ You meant his _mine_... heh-heh-heh... yeah, he spent years lookin' for da Lost Rabbit Mine, an' last year he fin'lly found it..." Before anybody could stop him, Slim said, "So now it's the '_Found_' Rabbit Mine!" Slim was easily amused by his own joke, but he was the only one, as the Toons stared at him with blank expressions, and Ranger Doug and Woody Paul shook their heads and buried their faces in their hands. Still, Slim ill-advisedly went on. "Don't you _get_ it? The _Found_ Rabbit Mine! Hah! Hah! It used to be the _Lost_ Rabbit Mine, but now..." "We got it, Slim," Buster said dryly. "We're just not sure we _want_ it," Babs added. After an all-too-brief embarrassing silence, Slim said dejectedly, "...I thought cartoon characters had a sense of humor." "We _do_," Plucky said, "that's why we didn't _laugh_ at..." "Cool it," Honey said calmly, sipping her orange juice. "Okay," Plucky and Buster said. Then, not quite sure what happened, Plucky turned to Buster. "How's she _do_ that?" "Beats me," the blue bunny shrugged. "So, anyways," Bugs continued, "I promised meself dat some day I'd show da kids da mine, wit' Buck's permission, of course." "Is it a _big_ mine?" Slim asked. "The _biggest_! You see," Buster explained, "Buck's strike turned out to be the single largest there's ever been. He's got more silver and gold there than most billionaires would know what to do with!" "Are there any silver or gold mines around here?" Mary asked, in between sips of skim milk. "Plenty of them, Mary," Ranger Doug replied, "but they were all played out years ago. There's not a speck of silver or gold left in any of them." "Yeah," Slim added, "but there's still plenty of stories and legends that say there's still _one_ untapped mine left." "And it's supposed to be sitting on top of the biggest motherlode in all of Tumbleweed Valley!" interjected Woody. "But nobody's ever been able to find it," Ranger Doug said. "Well, _what_ are we _waiting_ for?" Plucky asked, dollar signs flashing in his eyes. "Bugs has a great trick he does when it comes to finding gold!" All eyes in the diner turned on Bugs, who in turn was staring coolly at Plucky. "Eh, _some_ ducks got big yaps. Anyways, you hoid dese guys say it's just a legend. An' if dere's one t'ing I loined by stayin' alive as long as I have, it's dat it ain't wise ta go chasin' down a legend. Let's change da subject, okay?" "Right," Babs agreed. "Let's talk about something that's _really_ important!... Where's the _mall_ around here?" Woody and Slim looked at each other. "_Oh_-oh," they said. "You know, Babs," Ranger Doug began, "that's what's _wrong_ with the country today, too many malls! Everywhere you look, there's another one! Oh, sure, it starts out innocently enough, just one little mall, that's not going to hurt anything. But then, before you know it, there's two! Then two more! And then FOUR more! And ON and ON and ON until they're covering the pristine landscape like so much out of control Johnson grass! And before you know it, they've choked the life out of the little Mom and Pop stores struggling to stay alive! Once they get a foothold, you can't get rid of them! This country is being malled to death, Babs! If it were up to me..." "Now you've done it, Babs," Slim whispered while Ranger Doug continued ranting, "you got him started on 'The Malling of America'!" "Yeah," Woody added, "now he'll go on like this for _hours_!" "Isn't there any way to shut him off?" Plucky asked. Then, instinctively, all eyes (except, of course, Ranger Doug's) turned towards Honey, who sighed, smiled sweetly, and gently placed a gloved paw on The Ranger's shoulder. "Thank you, Doug," Honey said softly. Immediately, The Idol Of American Youth came to a stop, turned and smiled at her. "You're welcome, Honey," he said. Then a blank look came over him, and he shook his head as though he was clearing his mind of cobwebs. "Is anything the matter?" Honey asked innocently. "I... I'm not sure," Ranger Doug replied hesitantly, "I could've sworn I was saying something important..." "Don't worry," Bugs said, calmly sipping his carrot juice, "you weren't" "Oh, well, as long as I weren't... uh, wasn't," The Ranger smiled. "You were saying something, Babs?" "Yeah," she began, "you got any m--" Buster quickly covered her mouth and interrupted her. "Mom and Pop stores around here?" This drew a cross look from Babs, and relieved looks from everybody else. "Yeah," Woody said, "there's Miller-Morton Mercantile, that's right up the street!" "Oh, how quaint," Babs said with obvious fake enthusiasm, "a mercantile." "Hey, that sounds like fun," Mary smiled. "Maybe you should get out more," Plucky snarled. "Now _just_ a _minute_," challenged Mary. Honey sighed again and tapped the bickering Toons on the shoulder. "I have a great idea, let's go shopping, okay?" "Okay," the Toons agreed. Then, as they shook their heads to clear out the cobwebs and Buster laughed to himself, Bugs stared open-mouthed at his bride. "Eh, Hon," he asked as Riders In The Sky sprang for the meal, "how come you never told me you could do dat?" With a sexy-but-innocent smile, Honey batted her eyelids shyly. "Do _what_?" Bugs stopped. "Ummm... yeah." Had the Toons and The Riders been paying closer attention in the crowded diner, they might have noticed a big, hulking 300 pound doofus availing himself of free ice water at the lunch counter, eavesdropping on their conversation. Naturally, he didn't hear all of it, and he decided to leave before it was finished. But Charlie thought what little he had heard could turn out to be important. "Hey, I'll bet this could turn out to be important," he said to himself. "I better tell Slocum about this..." He reached into his shirt pocket for a stick of his favorite gum, and was annoyed at not finding any. "Oh, well," he growled, "I'll just see if they've got any at Miller-Morton's Mercantile, heh... heh-heh..." And speaking of The Prince of Villains, even now, Slocum is rummaging thorugh his private files in the back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, where he peruses his meticulously-kept chronicles of crime, trying to analyze what went wrong with each of his dastardly plans against Riders In The Sky, when he suddenly makes a discovery... "Hmm, that didn't work... no, _that_ didn't work... huh, that one _REALLY_ didn't work... hey, what's this?" He pulled out a small, clear glass bottle from the "C" file, and read the faded yellow label. "What the... 'Crumbumbium'? What's _this_ stuff?" He opened the bottle and took a whiff. "Hmm, no discernable odor... maybe it's acid..." He poured a little of the colorless liquid on the floor and waited for something to happen. Nothing did. So, Slocum took a bar rag, wiped it up, and threw the rag casually across the room, where it landed on the head of a concrete statue of Napoleon. "Another worthless item," he grumbled, replacing the lid on the bottle and placing it on a nearby table. "Wonder what it was doing in there. Oh, well..." Meanwhile, back in Miller-Morton's Mercantile, Bugs and Honey Bunny and the Tiny Toons are having a good time after all. Mary picked up a couple of tastefully-decorated cowgirl blouses, a dozen mandolin picks, and a couple of spare golden hair ribbons for her ponytail, plus a bright red bandana. Babs found some intricately-decorated cowgirl boots that appealed to her fashion sense, and a matching vest. Bugs and Buster got some laughs out of Honey and The Riders as they tried on various cowboy hats, almost all of them falling over their eyes, while Honey herself picked up twelve sets of new guitar strings, a jar of guitar polish, 24 blouses, 16 vests, 14 jeans, 19 bolo ties, 15 hat bands, a copy of the new best-selling book "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On!, Vol. 2," and a tube of toothpaste. "Eh, ya t'ink you got everyt'ing, Duchess?" Bugs asked playfully. Honey batted her eyelids. "For _this_ trip, yes. But it's still early in the day." She smiled sweetly. Buster chuckled and turned towards his mentor. "It's a good thing Buck's _got_ all that silver and gold. You're likely to _need_ it!" Bugs laughed, then suddenly stopped. "Hey, what da heck am _I_ laughin' for? I jus' got _married_ to dat spendt'rift!" As The Riders laugh along, and help themselves to the free fresh-squeezed lemonade at the checkout counter, Woody notices that Plucky still can't make up his mind what to buy. "You wouldn't think a little place like this'd have so much stuff," Plucky said in exasperation. "You guys comin' or ain't ya? It ain't like we got all day here, ya know," Bugs complained as he paid good American cash for Honey's purchases. "We'll be right with ya, Bugs," Woody called to him. "Uh, Plucky..." "Yeah, yeah, I know," the duck said as he looked in his nearly empty wallet, seeing that he only had a quarter with him. "Oh, well, maybe I can buy a stick of gum..." "You go right ahead, Plucky, I'm gonna get me some new fiddle strings," Woody said, heading toward the new fiddle string section. All of a sudden, a large shadow cast itself over Plucky. "Hmmm, I didn't know you could have an eclipse inside a building," he mused. Then, looking up, he saw that large shadow was being cast by a 300-lb. doofus, who had Old Man Miller by the throat, pinning him to the wall. "You got my _gum_ for me, Miller?" the big doofus said menacingly. "Y-y-yes, sir," the old man said, trembling in fear. "Good! I don't _like_ it when I can't have my gum! Heh... heh-heh..." Suddenly, a voice from behind got Charlie's attention. "Hey, you big bully! Who do you think you're pushing around?" In a Walter Brennan-type voice, Old Man Miller, who Charlie still had pinned to the wall, attempted to warn Plucky. "Young feller, I wouldn't..." "SHUT UP!" Charlie bellowed. Then the big doofus turned around and looked down at the little green duck. "Well, squab, what are _you_ lookin' at?" he growled. "That's what I'm trying to figure out," Plucky replied, not knowing any better. At this point, Charlie could have easily squashed Plucky like a grape. Instead, an evil smile crossed his ugly puss. Dropping Old Man Miller to the ground, he opened the case of gum he had under his arm and handed a stick of it to the duck. "Here, squab... have some _gum_!" Ignoring Old Man Miller's silent hand signals for him not to, Plucky accepted a stick. "Um, well, uh, thanks... hmmm...'Cactus Gum'? I don't believe I've ever heard of it. Is it any good?" Charlie leered wickedly. "Try it and _seeeeeee_..." "Young feller, I wouldn't..." "I SAID 'SHUT UP!'," Charlie bellowed at Old Man Miller, as Plucky shrugged, unwrapped the green gum with the unusual texture, placed it in his bill, began chewing... and then stopped. His eyeballs shrunk to the diameters of pin points. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" he screamed, as Charlie laughed and lumbered out the door, the unpaid for case of gum under his arm. Plucky, while attempting to recover, had enough presence of mind to grab a bumper sticker off a nearby display and slap it across the rear of Charlie's jeans as he was leaving. Old Man Miller, meanwhile, had regained his equilibrium and found a pair of pliers and ambled over to the duck. "Young feller, you really shouldn'ta done that," he said as he used the pliers to extracate the cactus needles from Plucky's tongue. "OW!... Yeah, I... OW!... know, but... OW!... that guy... OW!... IS a 'Wide Load'... OW!!!" It was at that moment that Woody Paul returned, a batch of new fiddle strings in his hand. "Well, I'm all ready to..." Then looking at the curious sight of Old Man Miller extracting cactus needles from Plucky Duck's tongue, said, "...did I miss something?" "OW!!!!" replied Plucky. "What happened?" Woody asked. Old Man Miller looked up at the King of the Cowboy Fiddlers. "We got trouble, Woody Paul... Charlie's back in town." Woody almost dropped his fiddle strings. "WHAT??? Are you sure?" "Sure I'm sure," Old Man Miller replied as he pulled the last needle out of Plucky's swollen tongue. "He was just in here!" "You're _sure_ it was Charlie?" Plucky looked up, a disdainful look on his face. "Big hulking doofus?" he tried to say; unfortunately, his tongue was swollen, so it came out sounding a little funny. Fortunately, though, Woody understood him. "That sounds like Charlie, all right," Woody said. "But, what happened to _you_?" "Charlie was strong-armin' me, an' this little feller tried to help," Old Man Miller answered, while Plucky tried to regain _his_ equilibrium. "Whoa, _you_ stood up to _Charlie_? You really _are_ plucky, Plucky! But I'm afraid you just made a dangerous enemy." Plucky looked at Woody, slightly annoyed. "Is there any other kind?" he asked. Woody handed Old Man Miller the exact dollar amount for his fiddle strings. "Come on, Plucky, we gotta find Ranger Doug and Too Slim right away! If Charlie's back in town, then Slocum can't be too far behind!" Plucky looked puzzled. "Slocum? That sounds like something you'd wanna wipe off your hands!" "You don't know how right you are about _that_, Plucky! Come on..." "Yeah, Woody, just a minute. My tongue still hurts, I need a drink..." the duck replied, quickly drinking some free, fresh lemonade. Those who know Plucky should not be surprised at what he says next, and those that don't surely can guess... "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!" A short time later, in the dimly lit back room of the Dry Gulch Saloon, Charlie is attempting to tell Slocum what happened in Dottie's Diner. Slocum, of course, isn't interested. "But, Slocum, I tell you I saw Bugs Bunny in Dottie's Diner..." "Good, I was wondering when she was going to change the wallpaper in there," Slocum sneered. "No, Boss, Bugs Bunny was THERE! In the Diner! He was talking about his Uncle and a big silver and gold mine..." "Heh-heh, Charlie, my boy, I think you've taken one too many falls off the mountain, there! Bugs Bunny is a cartoon character! Now, don't bother me, I'm trying to formulate a plan to get rid of 'Dingbats In The Sky'..." "But Boss, Bugs Bunny was WITH..." Slocum turned angrily on his doofus henchman. "I don't want to hear ONE MORE WORD about Bugs Bunny, okay? Got it?" "But, Boss..." "NOT ONE MORE!" Charlie shrugged. "Okay, but don't say I didn't try..." Slocum returned to his studying of his evil plans. "There's just _GOT_ to be a way we can get rid of those twits once and for all... unfortunately, it'll take moola to get my plans going." Charlie scratched his head. "Uhhhhh... 'moola'?" "Long green, swag, pictures of Presidents, the coin of the realm..." said Slocum. "Uhhhhhhhhh...." said Charlie. "MONEY, you nincompoop!" Slocum yelled in exasperation. "Uhh... _rrriiiiiiggghhhtt_ ...money..." Slocum considered his options, which were limited at best. "Now, where can we get our hands on some ready cash in a hurry?" "Well, Boss," Charlie offered, "we could always rob the First Rational Bank..." "Nah, that wouldn't work. They'd probably be expecting us to do that. No, Charlie, any financing's gotta come from the _outside_." "Whaddya expect it to do, Slocum, just kick in the door and walk in?" Charlie asked. At that second, the re-installed door of the Dry Gulch Saloon is kicked in... (SFX: Door being kicked in) ....and a lone figure stands in the open doorway. "Hey, watch it! I just had that door replaced!" Slocum yelled. Then, he and Charlie are startled to see the small figure standing in the doorway, his features obscured by the backlighting of the sun. It's been said (by me) that the smallest of men cast large shadows, and the shadow cast by this one is large indeed, and it's made even larger by the obscenely large roll of money in his hand. He walks in like he owns the place, and looks the surprised scum of the earth up and down, rather disdainfully. And when he speaks, no, shouts, his voice sounds like gravel rattling in a can. "Which one of you creeps is Slocum?" he barks. "I'm the creep... I mean, _I'm_ Slocum. Now, whaddya want, punk, I'm busy..." A malicious glint appeared in Charlie's eyes. "You want me to crush this twerp, Boss?" The little twerp glared only slightly at the big doofus. "I have a _job_ for you two..." "Yeah, so?" Charlie responded. "It _pays_ well," the twerp said, waving the bankroll in front of Slocum and Charlie. With a quickness that belies his immense size, Charlie grabbed the money... and received a huge shock. Literally. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!" Charlie bellowed, grabbing his hand in agony, and dropping the roll of money on the floor, where it rolls to Slocum's feet. The little twerp smiles smugly and pockets a small electronic device. "Hey, hotwired money, I _like_ that, heh-heh-heh-heh," Slocum laughed with an oily laugh as he cautiously reached for the money, only to find his hand being stepped on. "Ow! What th-?" "Cleats. They're not just for golf anymore," the little twerp snickered, as he picked up the bankroll. "You don't get it yet. Like I said, I've got a _job_ I want you to do for me." "Yeah, sure, sure," Slocum said, rubbing his hand, trying to get the feeling back in his fingers. "What _kind_ of job?" "In bad time," the twerp sneered. "But, it'll be worth the effort, or my name isn't... Montana Max!... and it _is!_" (Accordion sting) Who invited _THAT_ little creep into this story? What job has he got in mind for Slocum and Charlie? Will they notice that their new financier is a cartoon charcter? Will Plucky Duck ever drink free lemonade ever again? Will patrons of the Dry Gulch Saloon be confused when they see that the new door in the rear entrance bears a little plaque that says "Men"? And what IS Crumbumbium and what DOES it do? Well, you won't find the answers by going one-on-one with P. J. Carlisemo, but you _WILL_ find them right here, same time, same webspace, next month in Episode 3 of "The Toony Way," entitled: "HEADED FOR A FALL!" It's free-falling, gravity-proving, rapidly-plummeting Cartoon/ Cowboy Melodrama that you _WON'T_ want to miss, and it's coming only to _THIS_...INTERNET OF THE MIND!!! (Music up and out.) ================================================ THE LAWYERS MADE US DO IT DEPARTMENT: "LOONEY TUNES," "TINY TOON ADVENTURES," and all related characters and indicia are trademarks of and Copyrighted (C)1997, Warner Bros., Inc., a Time-Warner Co. All rights reserved. "RIDERS IN THE SKY" and all related characters and trademark elements are Copyrighted (C)1997 by Riders In The Sky and Songs Of The Sage, Inc. (BMI). All rights reserved. Story (C)1997, Lee M. Withers. This story is an original work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken as canon. The author makes no claims on the rights or copyrights held by the trademark owners. Slocum would, but, hey, he's a slimeball. Say goodnight, Babs. BABS: Goodnight, Babs!