Filename:  p.143
Category:  Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s):  Toon Trek: The Next Generation
           Encounter at Wayouttharpoint
Author(s): Kevin J. Podsiadlik

Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster:    Kevin J. Podsiadlik
Date posted: 1990 10 15 03:47:33 GMT
First date published: 1990 10 15 03:47:33 GMT

Collector: Chuan K. Chee
Date collected: 1990 10 15
Date reformatted: 1990 12 31

Deposited on system:
Date deposited:
Accessed by:

The following material may have been altered by:
	(1) removing header and trailer (.sigs)
	(2) fitting it in 72 columns
	(3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes
	(4) removing page feeds
        Chuan K. Chee

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

                   Toon Trek: The Next Generation
                   ------------------------------
 
Before we begin, let me cue in the uninformed.  The characters below are to the
classic Warner Brothers characters (Bugs, Daffy, et al.) what Picard & Co. are
to Kirk & Co.  The major difference is that this "next generation" is still in
high school, and is being tutored by the classic characters.  To put it
another way, imagine a 14-year-old Picard falling asleep during a Spock lecture
at Starfleet Academy, and you'll have a pretty good idea of what this is all
about...
 
CAST
(Another note: The characters below are NOT generally related to any of the
classic characters, or to each other, despite common last names, and the fact
that there is a strong "physical" (for lack of a better word) resemblance
between corresponding members of the two generations.)
 
Capt. Buster Bunny, Captain, W. B. S. Acme.
Seems to be the natural leader of the group.  Unlike Picard, though, he has no 
problems dealing with kids.
 
Cmdr. Plucky Duck, First Officer
Unlike Riker, he would scoop up the chance for a captaincy.  Especially 
captaincy of the Acme.  But I couldn't convince him to accept anything less.
 
Cmdr. Babs Bunny, Ship's Doctor
The relationship between her and the captain goes back a little ways.  Hints of 
romance between them are more prevalent than they ever were between Picard and 
Bev Crusher.

Lt. Cmdr. Hamton Pig, Second Officer
Like Data, he is having some problems in getting "with it".  Also chosen for 
this role because of previous "experience" as parodies of Spock and R2D2.
Doesn't stutter.
 
Lt. Cmdr. Shirley McLoon, Ship's Counsellor
Her psychic abilities make her a very valuable asset to the crew, as well as
the source of an incredibly convenient coincidence for this author.  She has
taken Plucky to be her "imazda", a Gammazoid word meaning, "one trusted enough
to be alone with in an automobile."  Perhaps her mother, Lufthansa, could be
worked into a future episode...
 
Lt. Fifi LePew, Security Chief
Like Yar, she has highly developed defense skills.  Somewhat more of a romantic 
than Yar, though.
 
Lt. Dizzy Devil, Security
He even looks a little like Worf.  Unlike the original Devil (who REALLY looks 
like Worf), his fellow toons have relatively little to fear from him, as long
as he is in a good mood.
 
Lt. Calamity Coyote, Engineering
A first-rate gadgeteer, and soon-to-be Chief Engineer.  Never talks, instead 
uses a form of sign language, so to speak.
 
Petty Officer Furrball Cat, Transporter Chief
Not much to say about him, since O'Brien's role isn't a whole lot.  But what
the hack, we can always use a general purpose character...
 
Mortimer Bunny
Dr. Babs' oldest little brother, this young upstart has a bright future ahead 
of him if he lives that long.  Who knows, perhaps a rank of acting Ensign...?  
He appeared in the Junior Prom episode of Tiny Toon Adventures.
 
"Grappler" Elmyra Fudd
In this story, leader of the Bandaid people.  In the TV show, an inept,
pet-hoarding Shirley Temple type, with a grip of iron.
 
"Dai" Montana Max
Does not appear in this story.  In the TV show, he is Mr. Gotbucks, as well
as the resident villain.  For our purposes, he'd make a perfect Ferengi.
 
TONIGHT'S EPISODE:
 
"Encounter at Wayouttharpoint"
(Based on the novel, not the TV episode.  With apologies to David Gerrold.)
 
ACT ONE
-------
 
(Start with an exterior shot of the W. B. S. Acme, clearly emblazoned with the 
lettering, "NCC 3 1/2-D".  Then cut to an interior hallway.)
 
(Buster is touring the halls of his brand new starship.  He and Hamton cross 
paths in the hallway.)
 
Buster: Ah!  Lieutenant Hamton!
 
(Hamton gives such an exaggerate salute that he knocks himself slightly silly.  
Buster hesitates, then halfheartedly returns the salute.)
 
Buster (low voice): Uh, Hamton, we can do without military formality on this 
ship.
 
Hamton: Yes, sir.
 
Buster: By the way, is it spelled Hampton with a 'p'?
 
Hamton: No, sir.  It's just 'ham' for me, and 'ton' for my weight.
 
Buster: Ah.
 
(Buster rolls his eyes, and they part ways.  Buster arrives at the bridge.  
Dizzy, Fifi, and Shirley are doing some odd jobs at the consoles.  Buster takes 
his captain's chair and clears his throat.)
 
Buster: This is Captain Buster Bunny, assuming command of the W. B. S. Acme.  
Captain's Log, stardate 98.6.  (Cue striking music)  These are the voyages of 
the W. B. S. Acme.  Her mission: To explore strange new forms of comedy.  To 
seek out new scripts and new animations.  To boldly go one entire episode 
without resorting to doing something Bugs or Daffy has done before. 
 
(Suddenly, applause is heard.  Buster, startled, looks around him and sees that 
the sound is coming from a can whose lid Fifi has just removed.  All three of 
the other crewmembers are smiling broadly.)
 
Buster: Better save that. (Fifi replaces the lid)  If this doesn't work out, we 
might need it.
 
(Buster leaves the bridge.  Cut to just outside the bridge.  As Buster walks 
past an out-of-place-looking butler, the butler releases a cord he was holding 
and the doors slide shut.  He shrugs to the camera.)
 
Butler: It's a living.
 
(Cut to Buster in his office.  He is watching a recorded message from Bugs.)
 
Bugs: OK, now here's your sealed orders, Buster.  Your mission is to travel to 
Wayouttharpoint Station (Bugs' image fades to a picture of the station), where 
you will pick up the rest of your crew.  Now, we believe that there's something 
funny about Wayouttharpoint Station.  For one thing, it sprang up overnight,
and the leader of the native Bandaids, Grappler Elmyra (whose picture appears, 
causing Buster to wince noticeably) has not been very helpful in explaining it.
For another, (Bugs' image reappears) our people there have reported some very 
strange things happening at the station.  Nothing specific, just some general 
weirdness.  Your job (Bugs extends a hand out of the screen to point at
Buster), Buster, is to find out how the Bandaids built it, so we can copy it.
Good luck on the mission, oh, and, by the way, good luck on the series, too.
 
(The image disappears and is replaced by the well-known "That's all folks" 
screen.)
 
(Cut to the bridge.  Buster is explaining the orders to the crew that is 
present, Dizzy, Shirley, Fifi and Hamton.)
 
Buster: So basically what we have to do is snoop around, and see what we can 
find out.
 
(We hear Hamton's voice, out of shot.)
 
Hamton: Snoop.  To spy, to sneak, to slink (cut to show he is reading out of a 
thesaurus) to slither, glide, creep, skulk... (he looks up and sees everyone 
staring at him.)  Sorry.  (He puts the book away)
 
(Suddenly, sirens start going off everywhere.  The crew struggles to stand 
against the sound waves blasting them.  
 
Buster (shouting to be heard): SOMEONE SHUT OFF THAT THING!
 
(Dizzy, in an all-out effort, manages to get a spinning motion started.  Even 
so, it is still a struggle to reach a plug, which Dizzy eventually does pull.  
The sirens stop and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.  Shirley, however,
still seems to be reeling and covering her ears.)
 
Shirley (gasping): Captain...
 
Buster: It's okay, Shirley, it's been unplugged.
 
Shirley: No, it's not that, it's...
 
(On the viewscreen, a chicken wire fence appears out of nowhere.  Cut to 
exterior shot of the Acme slamming on the brakes to avoid running into the 
fence.)
 
Buster (out loud to no one in particular): All right, what gives?
 
(He is answered by a special effects flash reminiscent of a certain omnipotent 
being.  From the flash appears a black and white alien that looks suspiciously 
like Daffy Duck, wearing the musketeer costume from "Duck Amuck".  He produces
a scroll and reads from it.)
 
Alien (speaking in an accent appropriate to his costume): Thou art hereby 
ordered to return to thine own home, and thou art not to return to space for
the remainder of this season.  In short, (closing scroll and putting it away)
thou art grounded.
 
Buster (resentfully): That may be fine for _thou_, but last I checked, _thou_ 
_art_n't my parents.  Who art _thou_, and what gives _thee_ the right to tell
us where we can or can't go?
 
Alien: We call ourselves the "D".  Thou mayest call me by that name.  We are a 
superior race to thine, and we find thee to be annoying.
 
(Fifi grabs her tail quietly, then, in a flash, points it at D.  Instead of 
passing out, however, D laughs.  Fifi, confused by this reaction, gives her own 
tail a sniff.  She immediately passes out.  D giggles softly to himself and 
removes a set of plugs from his beak.  With an air of self-satisfaction, D 
surveys the bridge, then looks at himself.)
 
D: But I see that I am a bit out of style.  (Snaps his fingers, and immediately 
he is colorized.)  That's better.  (Glancing at the fallen Fifi, who is 
beginning to stir)  I believe thy skunk will be all right.
 
Buster: The costume...
 
D: Oh, well, if thou insisteth.  (Snaps again, now he is wearing a uniform like 
the rest of the crew, except that it is several sizes larger.)
 
Buster: Now look, D, just because we bother you by being here doesn't give you 
the right to tell us to go running home.  We have a right to be here.
 
D: Perhaps a little demonstration of my powers will convince you.
 
(With another snap, the crew is shocked and amazed to see their respective
heads sitting on top of someone else's body.  Before anyone can say anything
(which would be too complicated to describe), D snaps several more times, and
their bodies continue to exchange heads.  Finally they are back to normal.
D blows at his smoking hand.)
 
Buster (coolly): Not bad.  (Presses a button on the arm of his chair and a safe 
drops on D.)  But I like that one better.
 
(The dial spins and the safe opens, and D steps out.  Amazingly, he is not even 
dazed.  The crew gasps, but D has a broad smile on his face.)
 
D: _Very_ good.  I knew I could trust you to throw in some unnecessary
violence.  So typical of a savage race.
 
Buster: You sound like a parents' group.
 
D: No, this does.  (Another snap, and two dozen angry parents appear, many
bearing signs saying such things "No violence on TV", "Cartoons are too
violent", and the like.  They are all trying to preach at the same time, as a
result we can hear nothing distinct.)
 
Buster (strangely bored, to his right): Dizzy, the anti-censorship device?
 
(Dizzy presses a button on his console, and a great anvil takes care of the 
protesters.)
 
Buster (turning to D): Look, mac, it's been real, but this is getting dull.  If 
you're going to zap us back home, do it, if not, then get that chicken wire out 
of our way so we can get on with our mission.
 
D: Oh, yes, the mission.  Yes...(trails off into thought)  Tell you what, I'm 
going to give you a sporting chance.  You make good on this mission, I'm outta 
here.  Blow it, like you probably will, and you go home and tell everyone why 
you can't go out anymore.
 
Hamton (cutting in, and holding a device resembling phaser): A personal
request, captain.  Permission to clean up the bridge?
 
Dizzy: Hey, that's my line!
 
Hamton: Too bad, Diz.  You snooze, you lose.
 
Buster: Permission granted, Hamton.
 
(Hamton presses a button on his device, which begins emitting vacuum sounds.  
Close-up of the device reveals the label, "Acme Phaser/Hand Vac".  He walks up 
to the safe, and touches the vacuum to it.  The safe is sucked in.  Hamton is 
doing the same for the anvil as Buster speaks to D.)
 
D (producing a four-leaf clover which he hands to Buster): Bon chance,
capitan.  Tu le veut.  (And with that, he vanishes the way he came)
 
Buster: What did he say?
 
Fifi: He said, "Bon chance, capitan, tu le veut."
 
Buster: Thank you _so_ much.
 
(Exterior shot.  The fence vanishes, and the Acme zooms onward as we fade to a 
commercial.)
 
ACT TWO
-------
 
(Return with an exterior shot of Wayouttharpoint station.  Inside are various 
toons, living it up.  Close in on Plucky, who is definitely taking to it.  
Sunglasses, deck chair, umbrella, glass of lemonade, the whole shot.)
 
Plucky (lifting glasses partially, to camera): Just think how good it would be 
if I was actually out in the sun.
 
(On cue, a sun beam comes out of nowhere and bathes him gently.)
 
Plucky: Hunh?  (looks up)  Where did that come from?  (looks down and notices 
that the ground surrounding the chair is not illuminated.  He raises his voice 
and says to no one in particular:)  Uh, on second thought, never mind.  (The 
beam fades)  This is too weird.  Maybe I better find out if the rest of the
Acme crew is running into this.  (walks off, then after a pause, zips back to
his original position)  Nahhh.
 
(But at this point, the intercom by his chair beeps.)
 
Voice: Commander Plucky, please come to Grappler Elmyra's office.
 
(Plucky gives off an aggravated groan.)
 
(Plucky is en route to the Grappler's office.  He passes by Calamity, who is 
wearing Geordi's visor, and is experiencing difficulty in ordering from a
diner.)
 
Bandaid host: Sir, just tell me whatever you want.  I can virtually guarantee 
that we can get it for you.
 
(Calamity raises his visor and gives the host a searing stare.  He opens his 
mouth, points to it, then waves his hand horizontally to indicate "no".)
 
Host: Sir is not hungry?
 
(Calamity agitatedly writes out a quick note.  The host picks it up.)
 
Host (reading note): I am hungry, but I cannot speak.  Get me anything,
whatever is easiest for you, I can eat anything.  (to Calamity)  Please, sir,
nothing is difficult for our chefs.  What is the one thing you want most?
 
(Calamity sighs, then produces a sign: "Roadrunner?")
 
Host: Right away, sir.
 
(Calamity keeps a worried, guilty eye on Ensign Beeper, a roadrunner in
Starfleet uniform.)
 
(Cut to the Grappler's office.  Elmyra, who looks like a cross between Elmer 
Fudd and Shirley Temple, is at the desk. Plucky enters.)
 
Plucky: You sent for me?
 
Elmyra: Yes.  (They shake hands, and Elmyra demonstrates why she is called
"Grappler".  Plucky spends the next few seconds recovering.)  I noticed that 
your ship is somewhat late.
 
Plucky: I, uh, (gets hand back in joint) yes, it would appear so.  I don't
think it's anything to worry about.  Anything can happen up there.
 
Elmyra: I suppose so.  Is there anything I can do to make your stay more 
comfortable?
 
Plucky: Well, now that you mention it, (eyeing a conveniently placed bowl of 
fruit that wasn't there a second ago) a piece of fruit might be nice...
 
Elmyra (slightly taken aback): Er, help yourself.
 
Plucky (selecting a piece): Yes, I think this will do just fine.  Thanks,
Grappler.
 
Elmyra: Anytime.
 
(Plucky exits)
 
Elmyra (to someone unseen, in a rather childlike tone): Tsk, tsk, naughty, 
naughty!  What did Elmyra tell you about doing that kind of thing?  If you
don't behave, no supper for you-woo...
 
(Cut back to Calamity, looking dubiously at the roast bird in front of him.  
Looking behind him again, he sees Ensign Beeper, still among the living,
happily pecking away at a large bowl of seed.  He motions to the host.)
 
Host: Is there a problem, sir?
 
(Calamity shows him a sign, "Is this _real_ roadrunner?")
 
Host: The chef assures me it is, sir.
 
(Calamity again raises his visor, and fixes a steely gaze on the host again, 
accompanied by the sign, "How?")
 
Host: Does it really matter, sir?
 
(Calamity doesn't have a comeback to this, so he motions the host away.  Still 
doubtful, he slices off a piece and tastes it.  His eyes spin, and he faints 
with a _very_ broad smile on his face.)
 
(Cut to Plucky, now joined by Babs and Mortimer.  It doesn't take a psychic to
tell that Babs is irritated by Mortimer's presence.  Currently she is rummaging
through some fabric.)
 
Babs: I don't mind that the Acme is late.  It gives me more time to shop.  But
I am a bit worried.  It's not like Buster to be late.  (She finds some fabric
that she likes)  Now this would work. (Holds up some red cloth with white
polka-dots, and asks Plucky)  What do you think?
 
Plucky: Uhh, not bad, but those polka dots just aren't you.  Maybe some zigzag 
stripes.
 
Babs: Yeah, you're right.
 
(She puts the cloth down and resumes her search.  Suddenly, the pattern on the 
cloth she had put down shifts and forms a red and white zigzag pattern.  
Mortimer, the only one to see this, tugs on Babs' dress urgently.)
 
Babs (annoyed at first):  What is it now...oh, thanks, Mortimer!  (takes the 
cloth)  Perfect!  (to seller)  I'll take it.
 
Mortimer: But..but that cloth wasn't like that before...
 
Babs: Yeah, right.  I'm sure it just decided to change itself to suit me.
 
Mortimer (not picking up the sarcasm): Exactly!
 
Babs: Mortimer, shut up.
 
(Mortimer looks confused but he complies.)
 
(Back on the Acme, which has finally arrived at Wayouttharpoint.  Buster, 
Shirley and Fifi are walking together in a hall.)
 
Buster: Shirley, what did you sense from this 'D' creature?
 
Shirley: Quite a lot.  Arrogance, greed, egotism, and quite a distaste for 
hunters and rabbits.
 
Buster (gulps): Great.  A rabbit-hating omnipotent being.  Just what I needed.
 
(Presently they reach the transporter room.  Furrball is at the controls.)
 
Furrball: Ready to beam them up, when you are, sir.
 
Buster (a bit surprised): Furrball?  Since when do you have a voice?
 
Furrball: It's in my contract.  I get a voice for all Star Trek parodies.
 
Buster: How long do you think the transport will take?
 
Furrball: About an hour.
 
Buster: An hour?!  Why so long?
 
Furrball: We _are_ beaming up the families of the crew as well, sir.
 
Buster: Yes, but...
 
Furrball: I estimate forty-five minutes on Dr. Babs' family alone.
 
Buster: I see.  Well, then, we better get started.
 
Furrball: Aye.
 
(Furrball hits a button and Plucky appears.  Plucky is in a seated position,
reading a newspaper (which covers any objectionable parts), with his shorts
around his ankles.  The object he was seated on being no longer there, he falls
backward, but the newspaper coverage remains adequate.)
 
Plucky: Sufferin' sauerkraut!  You could give a guy a little warning!
 
Furrball: Sorry...
 
(Plucky grabs a heretofore unseen curtain at the edge of the transporter pad, 
and closes it.  The curtain is reopened after Plucky has adjusted his 
accoutrements.)
 
Plucky (snapping a salute): Commander Plucky reporting for duty, SIR!
 
Buster: At ease, Plucky.  
 
Shirley (inviting): Welcome aboard, imazda.
 
(Plucky goes to embrace her, but Shirley holds him back.)
 
Shirley: Not in front of everyone, you jerk.
 
Plucky: Oh, uh, right.
 
Buster (cutting in, to Plucky): Here.  (hands Plucky a video cassette)  Bring 
yourself up to date.
 
(Plucky takes the cassette and puts it in a conveniently located slot.  On the 
screen above the slot appears a reduced image of the first scenes of the 
opening theme, with appropriate music.  Behind Plucky's back, Calamity beams
in, visor down, and then completely misses the step off the transporter pad.
He walks on air until he trips over the transporter control panel.)
 
----Netiquette behooves me to break this post into two articles;
----Post number two is coming up... almost immediately.
 
Kevin J. Podsiadlik                                     kjp@en.ecn.purdue.edu
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After all, didn't the Earthers have a saying?  "He who fights and runs away,
lives to fight another day?"  Or was it, "--lives to run another day?"  Never 
mind. -- Worf, "Encounter at Farpoint (novel)"


Article 56093 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: news-server.csri.toronto.edu!clyde.concordia.ca!uunet!cs.utexas.edu!samsung!noose.ecn.purdue.edu!en.ecn.purdue.edu!kjp
From: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Toon Trek: TNG part 2 (*LONG*) (PARODY)
Message-ID: <1990Oct15.034931.26682@ecn.purdue.edu>
Date: 15 Oct 90 03:49:31 GMT
References: <1990Oct15.034733.26306@ecn.purdue.edu>
Organization: Purdue University Engineering Computer Network
Lines: 441

----Post 2 of 2.  I can almost guarantee that this will not make sense
----unless you read Post 1 first.  And perhaps even then...
 
(Sickbay.  Babs is unpacking her medical gear, a bizarre looking set of
scientific instruments.  She comes across a stethoscope.  After a bit of head
scratching over it, she tosses it aside.  Enter Buster.)
 
Buster: Hey, Babsy!  Good to see ya.
 
Babs: Buster!  (they enter close quarters)  Ohh, how long has it been?
 
Buster (glancing at his watch): 6:30.  Half a minute to the next commercial.
 
Babs (abruptly aborting the embrace): Whoa, then we better get a climax built
up fast!
 
Buster: Right.
 
(They rush out.  As they are passing the holodeck, we get a peek at Mortimer 
doing a cannonball into a swimming pool.  Buster escapes the ensuing tidal
wave, but Babs is not so lucky.  She halts, her momentum washed out.)
 
Babs: MORTIMER!!!!
 
(To the bridge.  Plucky is in the captain's chair as the Buster enters.  Buster 
walks up to Plucky.)
 
Buster: Ahem...
 
Plucky (finally noticing): Oh!  Uh, just keeping it warm for you.  (He moves to 
the first officer's chair, while Buster takes the captain's chair.)
 
(Suddenly, in the familiar special effect flash, D appears, this time in the 
costume of carnival barker, and on the viewscreen, but transparently so that
the planet can still be seen behind him.)
 
D: So you say you need a climax, well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.  I'm 
going to give you, absolutely free of charge, one king-size alien spacecraft to 
deal with.  (he points and it appears)  But that's not all.  If you order right 
now I will throw in this set of ginsu kni..
 
(He is cut off by a blast that takes out most of the viewscreen.  Cut to Dizzy 
with a grin and a smoking phaser.)
 
Buster: Simply turning off the screen would have sufficed, Diz.
 
Dizzy: Sorry!
 
Hamton: Captain!  Sensors show that the alien spacecraft is firing on the 
planet.
 
Fifi: Sir!  Grappler Elmyra is hailing us.
 
(On what is left of the screen, we see mostly the outer edges of Elmyra's
head.  Her face, thankfully, is hidden.)
 
Elmyra (in a screechy, high-pitched voice): Acme, help us!!
 
(Shot of bridge crew, the classic iris closes on in Buster.  Just before it 
closes completely:)
 
Buster (shrugs to camera): On thirty seconds' notice, I could do worse.
 
(commercial)
 
ACT THREE
---------
 
(As we come back, we see some workmen have installed a new screen and are 
carrying away the old, destroyed screen.  The crew seems unusually relaxed.)
 
Director's voice: And... action!
 
(They all tense up.)
 
Buster: Okay, here's what were going to do.  Dizzy, scan that ship.  Shirley,
see if you can make mental contact with that ship, because Dizzy's scan isn't
going to turn up anything.  Fifi, arm anvil banks.  Hamton, shields up.  (Quick
external shot shows the WB shield popping up in front of the Acme.)  Plucky,
hand me that copy of the script.  (This is done, and Buster starts to page
through it.)  Ow!! (his hands are slammed in the book, which has been closed
by a long stick.  Pan to show that the possessor of the stick is none other
than D, in costume from "Robin Hood Daffy".  The stick is clearly his buck-
and-a-quarter quarterstaff.)
 
D: Unh, unh, UNH!!  No peeking!
 
(Buster sheepishly puts away the script.)
 
(The bridge doors open, admitting Mortimer, followed soon after by Babs, who is 
clearly intent on doing her brother considerable bodily damage.)
 
Babs: Wait till I get my hands on you, you little... (she dives for him and 
misses) Oof!
 
Mortimer (noticing unplugged plug): Hey, what does this thing do?  (Plugs it
in.  The sirens start up as before.  Even D finds he has to cover his ears.
D's beak, somehow recalling the picture D's costume is from, suddenly bends
itself upwards.)

(Cut to outside of bridge.  As the sirens shut off, the butler pulls the door-
opening cord, just in time for Mortimer to take a solo flight through the 
doorway.  Mortimer picks himself up at the feet of a human whose face we do not 
see.)
 
Producer: Mortimer, that was really annoying.  Congratulations, the job of 
Wesley-clone is yours.
 
(They shake hands)
 
(Back to the bridge, someone decides this plot needs a little acceleration.)
 
Hamton: Curious.  The alien ship seems to be carefully avoiding hitting the 
station itself.  It's shots are mostly aimed at the old Bandaid complex.
 
Shirley: Captain, I've been picking up some interesting things from that ship.  
I've never felt more than one set of thought patterns coming from it.  What's 
more, it closely matches a pattern I've been picking up from the station.
 
Buster: Why didn't you tell me about the station sooner?
 
Shirley: It slipped the writers' minds.
 
Plucky: You know, now that we're mentioning things we've noticed on the way, 
I've heard and seen a LOT of strange things happen on that station.  It was as 
if someone, or someTHING, was reading our minds.  Grappler Elmyra has not been 
at all helpful in explaining any of it.
 
(D is now wearing a scholar's uniform, as if he was lecturing at the Acme 
Looniversity.)
 
D: So there you have it, Buster.  All the information you need, right there in
a matter of seconds.  And all you have to do is a little addition.  
(Smugly) Think you're up to it?
 
Buster: So what if I am?  I've got a good five plus minutes left before the
credits and I intend to use them.  Unless. of course, you've got over five
minutes of filler...
 
D: So what do you intend to do about it?
 
(Buster can't answer that right away, but Plucky has an answer.)
 
Plucky: I know!  I know!  Beam down and snatch Grappler Elmyra, then use the
Chinese water torture on her until she tells us all she knows about...um...
(He trails off under the icy stare of the rest of the crew)
 
D (haughtily): Promising.  Not great, but promising.  (No one seems to have 
anything else to say, so he continues)  Oh, go ahead.  Use your anvils, your 
cream pies, your seltzer beams.  Show me just how crude you guys can be.
 
Buster: You heard the omnipotent being, Fifi.  Show him our crude-ness.
 
(Fifi presses a button on her console.  Immediately D is coated with a dark, 
thick, oily substance.)
 
D (keeping his cool admirably): Cute.

Hamton: That reminds me.  Someone burned that environmental film that was
scheduled to play tonight.
 
(The viewscreen lights up with the image of Grappler Elmyra.  She is clearly in 
a panic.)
 
Elmyra: Acme!  You've got to help us!  Stop them!
 
Buster (sternly): First, some answers, Grappler.
 
(Babs produces a sheet of paper and starts an impression of Alex Trebek)
 
Babs (reading from sheet): The answer is, what you mean by 'them'.
 
Elmyra: I... I don't know.
 
Babs: Sorry, you'll have to put that in the form of a question.
 
Elmyra: OK, look, I'll try to explain... yeaaaaaaaaa! (the sound of the her
scream throws everyone back, as her image fades from the screen)
 
Hamton: Where'd she go?
 
Plucky: By process of elimination, I think I can answer that, Hamton.  (to 
Buster) Captain, permission to take an away team over to the alien ship.

(D is cleaned up and back in Starfleet uniform:)
 
D: Excellent!  You do show promise, my good duck.
 
Shirley: I think we should try it anyway.  (She gets flashed a nasty look from 
Plucky and D.)
 
Buster: All right, Plucky.  You, Shirley, Hamton and Calamity beam over there 
and see what you can find out.
 
Plucky: Thank you, sir.
 
Buster: Don't mention it.
 
(Cut to within the alien ship.  The four mentioned crew members beam in.
Their hike along a corridor is momentarily rebuffed by a high-pitched shriek.)
 
Shirley: This way.

Plucky: No kidding?
 
(They come upon Elmyra, being tickled with a feather on her bare feet.)
 
Hamton: It looks like your suggestion of torture was well-taken here, Plucky.
 
Elmyra (broken up with occasional bursts of laughter): Please... make it
stop...  I'll tell you... any... anything... you need to know...
 
Plucky (calmly): I don't know, do you think I should let her go?
 
(They huddle, and discuss it while Elmyra continues to writhe in agony.  After 
due deliberation, the huddle breaks up.)
 
Plucky: All right, Grappler, just hold still.  (He pulls the feather out of the 
grasp of the mechanical hand that was tickling her.  An alarm goes off.)
 
Everyone: Uh, oh...
 
(A mass of tentacles come out of the wall and put boa constrictor squeezes on 
everyone present.  A wayward toupee comes out of nowhere and lands on Plucky's 
head.)
 
Plucky (to Hamton, next to him): Ever get the feeling you've been here before?
 
(Punching his communicator with his beak, Plucky lets out a strangled yell.)
 
Plucky: Acme!  Get us out of here!
 
(Back on the bridge.)
 
Buster: Furrball, get them out of there!
 
(To transporter room.)
 
Furrball:  No response, sir!
 
(Back to bridge.)
 
Buster (to camera): Naturally.
 
(An alarm clock, which D is holding, goes off.)
 
D: The time is up, and our crew has been stumped!
 
Buster: First things first!  D, I have crewmembers, cast regulars no less, in 
trouble over there!  (tenses up to say this next line)  I need your help.
 
D: Say please.
 
Buster (ruefully): Please.
 
D: Say pretty please with sugar on...
 
(D is cut off, for once, by a strange sound effect.  The away team, plus 
Grappler Elmyra, appears on the bridge)
 
Buster (sulkily):  Thank you, D.
 
Shirley: D didn't do it.  The alien ship did.
 
Buster: But I thought the ship was attacking you.
 
Plucky (sans toupee): Well, it was, but...  Oh, I don't know, it didn't make 
sense in the real show, either.
 
Dizzy: Captain!  The alien vessel.
 
(On the screen, we see the alien ship changing shape, and gradually looking
more and more like a squid.)
 
Buster: Calamity, see if you can rig the seltzer banks to deliver a gentle 
energy beam.  (to Elmyra)  And that, if I am not mistaken, will be the end of 
Wayouttharpoint Station.
 
D: Fess up.  You got that from reading the script, didn't you?
 
Buster: I'll never tell.
 
(Calamity holds up a sign, "All set, sir.")
 
Buster: Fire.
 
Plucky: Hey, Buster, just for those who are just tuning in, could you fill in 
the gaps in the plot?
 
Babs (accusingly): Yeah!  Just how DO you know what you're doing will work, 
Buster Bunny?
 
Buster: Okay, here goes.  On a hunch, I checked out the history of the
Bandaids.  It turns out they are very avid pet collectors, but they have a
reputation for being less than expert in terms of pet care.
 
Elmyra: It virtually landed on my doorstep.  It was cold and hungry.  I gave it 
a home...
 
(Buster is now in the costume of Dixon Hill.)
 
Buster: You mean you robbed it of its freedom.  You people love pets that can do
tricks, and could this one ever do tricks!  When you heard we might want a
station out here (starts getting carried away), you knew who, or rather what, to
turn to.  And if it refused (now standing on Elmyra's chest), you would give it
a little love squeeze... in a very tender spot.  (Relaxing, he lands back on the
floor.)
 
(Fifi reopens the canned applause, and this time, Buster takes a bow.)
 
Elmyra (starting to sob): All my pets run away.  None of them want to stay.
Why me?
 
Buster (back in uniform, consoling her): Don't feel too bad.  This one was, 
shall we say, just too big to keep in the house.
 
(A bell chimes)
 
Buster: Okay, Calamity, it's full, stop pumping.
 
(Calamity removes what looks just like a gas pump handle from the console, and 
the beam is thus discontinued.)
 
(Wayouttharpoint Station, as predicted, ceases to be, and begins to float 
upwards.  By the time it reaches the ship above it, both of them have changed 
into brightly colored squid-like creatures.)

Plucky:  Weren't they supposed to be jellyfish?

Buster:  Copyright problems.
 
Shirley:  I feel happiness... joy... and gratitude... joy... and gratitude...
joy... and grati.. (Dizzy comes over and slaps her on the back.)  Thanks.
 
(The squid creatures embrace, and their tentacles start getting entangled.)  
 
Female voice: Oh, John, let's tie the knot.
 
Male voice: Oh, Marsha... I think we already have.  (Indeed, knots are forming
in the tentacle tangle)
 
(Back to the bridge)
 
Buster: Okay, D, we've done it.  We've completed our mission, and I dare say 
successfully.  So.. (clears throat, then in his best imitation of Patrick 
Stewart:) GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!!!  

(Buster even manages to land on his feet afterwards.)
 
(Buster's display of lung power is effective.  D is left standing there, 
undignified, with half of his feathers lying on the floor.)
 
D: Fortunately, I always keep my feathers numbered, for just such an emergency.
(He snaps, and he and his feathers vanish.)
 
(Before anyone can do anything, though, D pops back in, in General MacArthur 
costume, all feathers intact.)
 
D: I shall return. (vanishes again)
 
Babs (grimly): I know I'm really going to be looking forward to it...
 
Buster: All right, Grappler, we'll just beam you back to your planet and we'll 
be off.
 
Elmyra: If it's all the same to you, I'd rather stay here.  It gets sooo boring 
down there all by myself.
 
Babs: But what about the other Bandaids?
 
Elmyra: There was only me.  All the others were just projections from the 
creature.
 
Plucky (consulting script): Hey, wait a minute, this twist isn't in the script!
 
Elmyra: It is now. (sticks her tongue out at Plucky for emphasis.)
 
Buster (considering): Well... I guess we could find a place for her...
 
Babs: And we don't really have to give her any roles...
 
Buster: All right, Grappler...
 
Elmyra: Just Elmyra will be fine.
 
Buster: Fine.  You can stay on one condition.  You have to promise you won't 
make any of the crew your "pets".  Promise?
 
Elmyra: Promise. (But a rear view shows her fingers are crossed behind her 
back.)
 
Buster: Welcome to the starship Acme.  Fifi, show this young lady to her 
quarters...
 
(Fifi and Elmyra exit.  No one notices the skunk-sized cage Elmyra is toting.)
 
Plucky: Just one thing, captain.
 
Buster: Yes, Number One? (with a wink)
 
Plucky (smiling at the nickname): I was just hoping that this isn't the usual
way our adventures will go.
 
Buster: Oh, no.  I'm sure most of them will be much more original.
 
(striking music, then fade out, and then back in for:)
 
PROMO
-----
 
Announcer's voice:  Next time, on Toon Trek, the Next Generation!  A mysterious 
virus begins to affect the crew!
 
Plucky (reading console): Sensors indicate decks 23 through 31 are infected.
 
Buster: Babs' entire family!
 
Announcer:  And the effects get, shall we say, interesting?
 
Fifi: Monsieur Hampton?
 
Hampton (in a French accent to match Fifi's): Oui?
 
Fifi: I will say this one time only.  Whatever it was that did happen last
night, it did not happen.
 
Announcer: On Toon Trek, the Next Generation! (yeah, right...)
 
(closing credits, which include:)
 
Employment for author provided by:
----------------------------------
       Anyone, anyone?
 
FINIS