THE ACMES
     A Tiny Toons Adventure by Morgan Ingersoll (CamCoon@AOL.com)
     Based on Tiny Toons characters and concepts owned by Warner
Bros. Inc.  Fan fiction story copyright 1996 Morgan Ingersoll.

     Act One

     "London's burning with boredom now..."
     ----The Clash

     "I am industrial-strength bored," Babs declared
emphatically, sunbathing on a warm June afternoon.
     "Me too," Buster sighed, taking shelter underneath the
umbrella protecting their lunch.  "Let's go out dancing tonight,
Babsy."
     "I'd like that, but I would rather do something with the
gang.  We haven't been all together since the semester ended."
     "You're right," Buster admitted.  "Maybe we could work on a
play or something.  Keep in shape y'know."
     "Ah!" Babs cringed, rolling over onto her side and resting
her cheek upon her palm.  "That's too much work, Buster.  There
must be something we can do, something different, *and* fun."
     "Bonjour, amis!" Fifi called as she walked up the path past
the rabbits.  In her hand was a transistor radio, playing rock
and roll.
     "Hi, Fifi!" Babs cried, hopping up and meeting her friend. 
"Someone oughta get you a Walktoon.  That thing must be over
thirty years old."
     "Oh, but I like it," the young skunk admitted, showing it to
Babs proudly.  "It belonged to my Uncle.  I keep it 'cause it
reminds me of France, and so I don't get so homesick."
     "Can I see?" Buster asked at Babs' side, taking the radio
carefully from Fifi.  "It's got a nice sound!" he noted, seeing
that it only picked up AM.  Then, looking at the dial and
listening to the joyous noise tearing from the instrument, a
light flashed in the rabbit's eyes.  "Hey, that's it!" 
     "What is it?" Fifi asked curiously.
     Buster handed the radio back and gave the skunk a quick kiss
on the cheek.  "I got an idea of what we can do, Babs!" he cried
with glee.  "We can get us together a rock and roll band!"
     "That's a cool idea!" Babs laughed.  "Let's start auditions
as soon as we can!  Whoopee!"  The girl bunny danced around Fifi
for joy, and bumped her hip against her friend's.  "Spread the
word for us, will you, dahling?  We can meet in the auditorium. 
Pete can let us in I'm sure!"
     "Yes, I will!" Fifi sang, happy to hear something exciting
was happening in these dog days of summer.  As Buster and Babs
packed up their stuff, the skunk moved to speak, but was suddenly
shy.
     "What's up, Fifi?"  Buster asked, noticing his friend was
anxious to tell him something.
     "Ohh, its nothing," Fifi sighed.  "I will see you at the
school, Buster and Babs."  Turning up the radio, she skipped off
for Shirley the Loon's place, feeling sad that she had not the
courage to say she knew the drums even if her friends believed
she was joking...

     At four Pete Puma opened the doors to the auditorium and let
the mob of fun starved toonsters trample him with delight. 
Within a short time a level of order was established and with
Babs claiming keyboards and Buster claiming rythum guitar, the
auditions began in ernest with a red-faced Hamton, who played an
energenic jig on his fiddle.
     "That's fine, Hamton," Babs said gently, pinching his cheek
as she sent him off, "but this is a *rock* band.  Why don't you
go around and see if someone wants to form a country band with
you."
     "Ah!" Hamton exclaimed, his face brightening.  "That
shouldn't be too hard.  Thanks, Babs."
     "*Next!*"
     Plucky Duck played a boiling electric bass and was hired on
the spot.  Shirley moved in with her custom tambourine with
crystal chimes, and, after a fierce musical battle between
Calamity and Montana Max, the coyote genius won the day with his
ability to tune his guitar as well as keep it well wired.  At
last, all was set except for the toon to sit at the drums.
     Fifi screwed up her courage and took her steps up to the
stage.  "I would like to volunteer," she said, hoping she did not
sound overeager and false.
     "Oh oh ho, no!" Plucky cried, shaking his head and waving
his hands before him.  "We can't have a girl playing drums!  It's
silly!  
     "Can it, Plucky!" Babs said, taking Fifi by the hand.  "I
didn't know you could play drums!" she said to the skunk with a
gleeful smile.
     "Oh mais oui!" Fifi said, feeling very happy to have a
chance.  "Our family was very musical growing up and I was so
encouraged to play the drums!"
     "It's out of the question!" Plucky protested, stamping his
foot.  "Do you realize how much testosterone is needed to play
the drums!  We need a *guy*!"
     "Gangway, coming through!" Dizzy cried, rushing up to the
drum kit while Buster and Babs argued heatedly with Plucky.  The
young devil tore into the kit and ripped it to shreds, much to
the delight of the toons on the floor and to the horror of
Pete, who knew the destroyed set would cost him his paycheck.
     "Stop, you namby pamby twister thing!" Arnold bellowed as he
took to the stage.  Dizzy, upon hearing the pit bull's barking,
froze in the air and then reversed his spin, sucking debris back
up from where they had scattered and reconstituting them back
into the drum kit.  "You go and leave, little girly whirly
devil!" Arnold said, plucking Dizzy up and flinging him out into
the mob on the floor.  "You are wanting testosterone, I give you
testosterone, Mr. Daisy Waisy!"  The muscular canine took up the
drumsticks and dropped one, tearing the skin one of the drums. 
He stared at the slight damage with disbelief, yanked Furball up
the the scruff of the neck, and quickly repaired the tear with a
bit of the tape from the yowling cat's tail before releasing him
into Elmyra's waiting arms.  "All better now." Arnold muttered,
walking off whistling.
     "A girl can play drums as well as any boy can when she knows
how!" Babs cried, pressing her finger against Plucky's chest.  "I
say Fifi gets an audition!"
     "You're just saying that because you're a girl!" Plucky
scoffed, determined to win though he had exhausted all two of his
arguments against the French skunkette playing the skins.  
     Babs turned red with rage, grabbed Plucky's bill and snapped
it off his face.
     "Babsy," Buster said, trying not to laugh at his pal's
embarassment.  "Give Plucky back his bill."
     "He doesn't need it to play bass," she said, tossing it high
out of the mortified duck's reach.
     "Oh yes he does," Buster said, grinning wide.
     "Oh, yeah," Babs said, holding the bill high in the air as
she slipped around to Plucky's rear, "you're right."  With that,
she clicked the bill open and let it snap soundly upon duck's
kelly green behind.  Plucky growled and hopped up and down
with the humiliation.
     "Hey, kewl," Shirley, said, unable to help herself enjoying
the sight of the punishment her boyfriend richly deserved. 
"Instant karma!"  
     "Okay, gang!" Buster cried once Plucky had recollected
himself.  "Everyone to their instruments!  We're gonna give Fifi
a try!"
     The toons on the floor happily cried their approval and got
ready to be rocked.  Fifi sounded the count and Babs rang out the
opening chords to "Louie Louie".  The rest of the band crashed in
and the auditorium shook with joyous abandon.  As the song came
to a solid end the audience hailed the band and begged for more.
     "Looks like you're in, Fifi!" Buster said, giving her a high
five.  
     Plucky sighed and gave Fifi a reserved thumbs up, loathing
to admit he was wrong.  Shirley lightly slapped him across the
back with her tambourine and gave him a wink.
     The band ripped into a set of similar numbers, including, at
Plucky's sadistic request, a rock version of "Bolero", which Fifi
performed sharp and clean for over twenty minutes straight and
dialed in the duck's respect for her right then.  The set
finished up with a giddy version of the Fleshtones' "Right Side
of a Good Thing", which had the group leading their enraptured
fans out of the auditorium and around the campus until all six
collapsed into the swimming pool for a well deserved rest.
     "I think this was a good idea, don't you?" Buster laughed,
backpaddling around Babs.
     "Are you kidding?" Babs laughed, dunking him underwater and
then joining him.
     
     
     Act Two

     "So unplug the jukebox and do us all a favor/
     That music's lost its taste, so try another flavor..."
     -----Adam and the Ants

     The following morning, Babs, Buster, Shirley, Plucky,
Calamity and Fifi met in the recording studio at the music
building to practice and put down some tracks for the fun of it. 
Little Beeper held court in the engineering room, when Calamity
wasn't running in to twist a pot or two.  The Acmes, as the
sextet came to call themselves, decided to cut the songs live and
work toward a Phil Spector kind of feel, cranking the amps up as
loud as the mics could stand and working up that wall of sound. 
Calamity, Buster and Plucky worked with Fifi to wear the morning
away with hard rock classics ranging from the Beatles to the
Clash and Hootie.  After lunch, the girls took over, pushing the
wall of sound to the max doing Marvelettes and Ronettes tunes
they had been steadily polishing off at slumber parties for
years.  By evening they had enough sonically saturated tape for
two albums, which got Plucky to thinking...
     "No, Plucky!" Buster said emphatically over a pile of weenie
burgers.  "Don't even think about it."
     "But why not, Buster ol' buddy?" the emerald duck hiccupped. 
"We got us a gold mine here from this one day!  People will go
wild!" he added, dollar signs flashing up in his eyes.
     "This is just for the fun of it, Plucky," Babs said, staring
levelly at the scheming fellow.  "Our money's already on its way
once we start our cartoon careers." 
     "Babs is right," Fifi said, pouring him a liberal amount of
wine, hoping to dope him down.  "We already have our livings
lined up for us.  Let us just enjoy ourselves and entertain our
friends."
     "Its a shame we can't like share this stuff with the world,"
Shirley said, seeing some sense in Plucky's idea, "just for one
night, or some junk."
     Calamity grabbed a clean napkin and drew a picture of the
Acmes in a televsion studio performing for a camera and a live
audience.  
     "Cool idea, guys!" Buster said, snatching up the napkin and
showing it to Babs and Shirley.  "We can go on K-ACME and do a
live concert!"
     "Yay!" Fifi said, jumping up and down for joy.  "This idea I
like!"
     *And I like it, too,* Plucky said to himself, rubbing his
hands together as a conniving smile played upon his bill.  *If I
can get one demo tape out to someone and get them to watch...the
guys will *have* to listen once a big producer wants to see
*us*!*
     "Plucky!" Babs growled, noticing the look on his face. 
"What are you up to?"
     "Ohh, nothing," Plucky grinned, grabbing another pile of
weenie burgers.  "Just getting ready for another helping!" he
added, humming happily to himself.

     "'Cause I've been waiting so long for something like this/
     "I'm not taking any chances, but how can I resist?"
     ----The Fleshtones
     
     It wasn't as hard as Plucky thought to get his hands on a
copy of the tapes, for demand around Acme Acres for the
recordings was so great Calamity was happy to oblige anyone for
the price of a bag of cassettes.  Friday and Saturday nights the
Acmes played the Ink and Paint Club and in true toon style,
Buster and the boys would gleefully wreck their guitars while the
girls took cover.
     "Is way too much testosterone for moi!" Fifi joked, watching
with her buds safely off stage.  
     In the week before the live broadcast the sextet at times
developed into a octet when Dizzy and Sweetie were invited in to
play saxophone on numbers where it was called for.  These cuts
were added to the next "LP" which the toonsters were crying for
after seeing the Devil and the Birdie in action on stage belting
out on Gary U.S. Bonds' "Quarter to Three" and the Fleshtones'
"Roman Gods".  Meanwhile, The Acmes happily shared studio time
with Hamton and his bluegrass band, filled out with Barky Marky
on stand-up bass, Furball on banjo.  Some fun hybrid jams
occurred, and Hamton played fiddle on an impromtu run of the Who
rock classic "Baba O'Riley", which Little Beeper had the fortune
to have taped and so the cut was released on both Acme and Hamton
J. Pig Trio tapes.
     Finally the night arrived, with Buster and Babs psyched to
the max.  Fifi, however, was getting a case of the cold feet.
     "What's the matter, Fifi?" Shirley asked the stage-shocked
skunk as they waited in the dressing room to go on.  
     "I am getting so nervous," Fifi sighed, wringing her hands. 
"We will be in front of millions of people!"
     "Like we've been playing to packed clubs all month," Shirley
said, pulling off her necklace.  "Don't worry about it, you'll do
fine.  Here," the loon offered, putting the chain about her
friend's neck, "this crystal will calm you.  Now let's get out
there and knock them out!" 
     "Merci, Shirley," Fifi said, feeling much better as she took
up the bird's tambourine and tossing it to her as they left for
the stage.
     Elmer Fudd introduced the Acmes dryly, not wanting to make a
fool of himself, but he did anyway for he fell off the stage as
he lost his sight in the spotlight.  Bugs helped him out of the
orchestra pit and sat his partner down in his seat.  "Couldn't
help yerself, could ya, Doc?" the rabbit grinned.
     "Ha-ha-ha-ha," Elmer replied as the curtain fell down off
its rungs and Gogo Dodo swept it off stage right.
     The Acmes tore into "Dancing in the Street", Babs's personal
favorite.  The pink rabbit worked the crowd, firing them up for
what was to come.  The group ran the good-feeling "Hold My Hand"
and then did a heavy Clash block and an Adam and the Ants double
shot.  Then Dizzy and Sweetie were unleashed, and drove the
audience wild.  Next, the girls ran their supergirl group set,
with Sweetie joining in both on harmony and sax.  For the finale,
a condensed version of "Bolero" mixing into a roaring Zeppelin-
Who medly culminating in a destruction fest that even Babs and
Fifi couldn't resist joining in at last.  In all the excitement,
having trashed his guitar, Buster grabbed an unsuspecting Plucky
by the neck and started whacking the duck repeatedly to the stage
upon the fanny.  Realizing his blunder, the blue bunny dropped
his friend and cracked up laughing.  
     "Hey, I could get to like this!" Plucky cried, joining in
with hysterical laughter as the newly replaced curtain crashed
down again as fireworks shot up at the conclusion of the concert.


     Act Three

     "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still..."
     ----The Crystals

     Babs finally got to sleep at close to nine a.m. she was so
pumped from the show and the party following.  The Acmes, after
rebuilding their kits were happy to run through some more sets
off air for the audience that refused to leave.  During the
eleven o'clock news K-ACME went back to the post-concert bash and
stayed with it until it finally broke up around three that
morning, after Sweetie suggested they run through the famous
Bonds hit at the time it celebrated.  
     At three that afternoon Babs arose to oatmeal topped with
carrot shavings, her ears still ringing at her sides.  It was a
glorious feeling that had her pondering whether a toon, or a
group of toons, could launch a music career in the rough and
tumble entertainment world.  But her brains were rattled too much
to take such ponderings for long, she had to see Buster alone for
a little while so all of this could sink in.  The Acmes had
broadcast live to the western United States for one hour, and at
least four nationally, for word had gotten down that K-ACME's
network had patched in.  It was delicious...
     "Can you imagine what this could mean, Buster?" Babs sighed,
curled up at his side under the maple tree over his burrow. 
"What if they liked us, *really* liked us?"
     "It would be cool," Buster admitted dryly, not wanting to
pump up Babs any more that she was.  "But chances are no one of
*importance* was watching.  It was late on a Sunday night anyway,
and we were up against *Disney"* and *60 Minutes---Unplugged* in
the first place."
     "Well, its just a thought," Babs said, realizing that Buster
was just as excited but was trying to bring her down to earth. 
"It was a heck of a lot of fun, and lots of people had a good
time.  That's what we did it for, anyway."
     "Still, it would be cool," Buster repeated, a little more
dreamily this time, "if someone out there was watching..."
     As if in answer to Buster's musings, a 1992 Corvette pulled
up to the side of the road and a pecculiar looking middle-aged
fellow stepped out and peered out over granny shades at the
rabbit duo.  "Euhh, excuse me," the man said in a voice so quiet
only a bunny with sensitive ears could hear him from that
distance, "I'm looking for Babs and Buster Bunny.  Are you any
relation?" the fellow added, a mischievous gleam coming to his
eye.
     Babs shot to her feet as a scream lodged itself in her
throat.  Gasping for breath, she grabbed her chest and stammered,
"Omigod!  Buster it's----it's *him*!"
     "Who?" Buster asked, rising to his own feet.  Then his jaw
slammed earthward as he recognized the visitor.  "Y-you're Phil
Spector?" the blue bunny asked, slipping into a Judd Hirsch
impersonation to hide his shock and nervousness.
     "Most of the time," Spector said, approaching the rabbits. 
He paused and sat down gingerly upon the swing Buster had put up
for he and Babs, and the man just fit in it.  "I saw the
broadcast last night," he said, swinging away in the shade as
Babs began to melt from the excitement of meeting the man
responsible for the sounds she had devoured since she was a
pencil test.  "Fantastic."
     "You saw everything?" Buster asked.  "Even the seven o'clock
show?"
     "Yes I did.  I made a tape of it straight away, I hope you
didn't mind.  From the stuff the duck sent me I knew it would be
worth it."
     "You got a tape of us?" Babs asked, having drawn her voice
back from the shy dusty corner of her brain.  "Plucky sent you a
tape?"
     "Yep.  Played it right to death.  You guys could go places
if you put your minds to it.  But then," Spector added, grinning,
"you toons can do anything."
     "Oh!  Mr. Spector!" Plucky cried, running up with Calamity. 
"There you are!  Buster!  Babs!  This is Phil Spector!"
     "We've met, yes," Buster said, his voice level with caution. 
"Mr. Spector tells us you sent him a tape of ours..."
     "Yes! Yes!" Plucky cried with orgasmic joy.  "And he's here! 
He loves us, don't you?"
     "Of course," Spector said, pushing against Plucky as the
duck had lept upon his lap and was trying to hug him.  "I catch
your show any time I can."
     "I don't think you came all the way here to get our
autographs did you, Phil?" Babs asked.
     "That would be nice, but I also came to ask you to do some
touring.  I've been looking for a change of pace and you guys
might just fit the uh, bill," Spector said, wincing as Plucky's
bill snapped off in his hand.
     "Ohmigosh!" Shirley the Loon cried, materializing out of the
ether hand in hand with Fifi.  "I thought I like felt some good
vibrations, or some junk!"
     "Mon Dieu!" Fifi cried with glee, leaping up and replacing
Plucky in Spector's lap.  "How do you do, M'sieur Spector?"
     "Enchante," Phil smiled, glowing with the affection the
skunkette was showering him with.
     "Uh, we're flattered and honored, Mr. Spector, sir," Buster
said meekly, "but we're not wanting to make a career of this or
anything..."
     Plucky whined and frantically tried to replace his bill in
time to head off Buster's words.
     "Oh, I understand, believe me," Phil Spector said, gasping a
bit as Fifi bestowed another round of kisses over his face.  "I
would rather you continue in your cartoons 'cause that's what you
were made for.  However, if you would like to do some dates over
August, throughout North America and Europe maybe..."
     Fifi screamed and joyously hugged Spector.  "To even play in
Paris, M'sieur?"  
     "Certainment, ma jeune fille.  And I promise you, you all
would be back to Acme Loo in time for the new sememster."
     "Darn!" Babs joked, snapping her fingers with mock chagrin. 
"What do you say, gang, shall we tour the world with Phil
Spector?"
     The Acmes cried their approval.
     "Great, that's super," Phil said with a smile. "I'll get
with Spielberg over the particualars and collect you as soon as
we're ready."  Spector rose from the swing and shook Buster and
Babs' hands as Fifi happily rode him piggyback.  "There's just
one thing, though."
     "Name it, Mr. Spector!" Buster cried.
     "Anything!" Babs chimed.
     "Could I have a new tape of your music?  Mine's plumb wore
out."  Spector grinned and pulled out a curly mass of recording
tape from his jacket pocket.
     "No sweat!" Buster laughed, clapping Calamity upon the back
as the coyote saluted.

     Epilogue

     "St. Louie, Louie/Ohh, baby/I said, me gotta go..."
     -----The Kingsmen

     Spector observed as Little Beeper and Calamity did their
magic in recording the best of the Acmes tunes for a release in
the musical industry proper over Warner Bros. Records.  As
promised, the toons went on their tour of North America and took
Europe by storm, and by sheer luck got to jam with the Fleshtones
one night during their own tour of Spain.  Fifi rejoiced at being
back home in France again and visited all her friends relatives
around the country, saving her visit with her father for last. 
They had not spoken since Fifi had decided to go to America to
study under Pepe le Pew.  Her father had been displeased with her
deserting France to learn from that "expatriate" when there were
perfectly good animation schools in Paris.  On the day the Acmes
were to play, Fifi attempted to reach her father by phone but
received no answer.  She could not find the nerve to knock at his
apartment and so simply left a note under his door, asking him to
please come see her perform with the band that night.  The Acmes
were well received by the French and in tradition the girls all
received roses, but Fifi was eager to receive her father.  Babs
and Shirley accompanied her to her dressing room as she was
beginning to feel as if her heart would break.  Yet she found on
her dressing table a bouquet of white roses, with a note therein
from her father, proclaiming in simple words that he loved her.  
     The Hamton J. Pig Trio enjoyed its own level of success when
they were invited on the Bluegrass hour Sunday mornings on K-ACME
after the station manager saw their set at the Ink and Paint
Club.  The group did their own tour of the country and even
slipped over to England for a bit, running into the Acmes, where
Hamton cameoed for "Baba O'Riley", and Babs with Calamity slipped
into the trio's set for a bit of a honky tonk jam.
     At the end of August, The Acmes returned home and put on a
special concert for Acme Acres and before the final number Buster
sadly announced that this would be their last performance for a
while.  The band knew that this would be their heaviest semester
yet coming, and they did not need the pressure of a regular slate
of performances hindering their studies.  They closed with
renditions of Wilson Pickett's "Midnight Hour", Aretha Franklin's
"Respect", and a long medley of anything hard fast and fun.  The
Acmes refrained from smashing their instruments, though, for they
knew they would be back one day to rock the world Acme style.


     The End


     Hoping you enjoyed this Tiny Toons Jam Session.
     Fifi's episode in Paris was inspired by Kevin Mickel
(HKUriah)'s speculations on the relationship between Fifi and her
family.  Feel free to take it from here, Kev.  :)
     Lyrics appearing herein are used without permission, but are
presented as color to the story and tribute to the songs
themselves as to the joy they bring.  
     Yes, the Fleshtones are a real group hailing from New York,
NY.  If you come across their albums give them a try, you won't
be disappointed!
     And on that note, stay tiny tooned!  

     Morgan Ingersoll (CamCoon)
     14 July l996

     Happy Bastile Day, Fifi!