STAR BORED. A STORY ABOUT A DUCK, A RABBIT AND THE GALAXY. YOU'LL LAUGH YOU'LL CRY YOU'LL KISS NINE BUCKS GOODBYE. COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU THIS SUMMER, GET IN LINE NOW. A Tiny Toon fanfic story by John Calcano. (atarisuperpong@hotmail.com) Star Wars and any in all names are the Copyright © of LUCASFILM LTD. All rights reserved. Tiny Toon Adventures, Plucky Duck, Babs Bunny, Buster Bunny, Slappy Squirrel, Yakoo, Wakko, Dot and any in all names are the Copyright © of Warner Bros inc. All rights reserved. Revised Draft April 25, 2002 A short time ago in a galaxy just around the corner… A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title. War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity. STAR BORED Episode IV Chapter XI Issues XX Volume VII Number III Paragraph I A NEW JOKE It is a period of spoof, satires and parodies. A small groups of idiot Rebels have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire (a.k.a. Time Warner). During the battle, the idiots had managed to steal secret plans to the Hurt Star, two CD players, a naked picture of Ernest Borgnine, a book of "How Not to Steal Things", two cups of water a half cup of milk and a box of Rice-A-Roni. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents the IRS, Princess Babs hops aboard her starship Titanic and races home to catch the last episode of Friends and try to save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy... The awesome yellow planet of Sandbox emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner with a huge sign on the lift side of the ship said "Rent-A-Wreck" firing lasers from the back of the ship, races though space. It is pursued by a giant Imperial starship that has a huge Microsoft logo on the back of the ship that said "Windows95". Hundreds of deadly lazerbolts streak from the Imperial Cheesedestroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate. EXTERIOR: IMPERIAL CHEESEDESTROYER. Imperial Captain: Incredible! Our ship goes faster then the speed of light, and our guns fire almost as fast as the speed of light! Imperial Pilot: Yeah.. so guess what happened! We shot ourselves down!! Imperial Captain: What?! You mean to tell me that the in-flight movie is a coyote chasing a roadrunner up a hill?!? Imperial Pilot: What do you expect on a seven second flight…"The Godfather"? Rebel Troop: How high up into space would you say this goes? Rebel Captain: Quiet You! I'm about to say a prayer before we go into battle…Our Father Who Art Below Us In Heaven- Rebel Troop: That high, huh? Duck Trooper: (Knock-Knock) Pizza Delivering. Rebel Soldier: We didn't order any Pizza here?! Duck Trooper: Ah…Mail man. Rebel Soldier: Sorry but we get e-mail! Duck Trooper: Flowers, we got flowers here for you. Rebel Soldier: Hey are you those Evil Empire guys that are trying to destroy everything good and sweet in the galaxy?!? Duck Trooper: Aaahh… ah. Mail man- Rebel Soldier: YOU SAID THAT ALREADY! INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored Duck-troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire. Duck Trooper One: Hey, clue me in… How do we tell the Good Guys form the Bad Guys around here, anyway?! Duck Trooper Two: Simple! The one who are dressed in Whites are Bad! And the one who are dressed in Black are Good! Duck Trooper Two: Yeah but if us Bad Guys are in White, and the Good Guys are in Black…what's our Leader doing dressed in Black…? Duck Trooper One: You may not believe this, but he hasn't changed his costume in 20 years! It stared OUT white, but with all his dirty work… INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER MAIN PASSAGEWAY. An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Bar-Stool-Me-Too and See-Creepy-O struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way. Creep-P-O: Oh man! All this shooting and killing! Tell me Bar-Stool Me-Too..have we accidentally stumbled into New York City in the year 1977? Oh-oh… here comes our cute and cuddly heroine, Princess Babs Ohcomeon fleeing for her life from Imperial soldiers! Just like in the old Flash Gordon movies! Bar-Stool: BURP-BLIP-BLOOP! BEEDEEP!-BOOP!-TWEET! Creep-P-O: Is that so? Good thing I understand robot talk! No wait I don't understand robot talk! It's confusing enough in this movie as it is! So for the rest of the film just talk like any other actor in this movie. Bar-Stool: I thought you'd never ask, and who's idea is to make me talk and sound like a BEEPER anyway? Several furry Rebel troops break and run in to a frenzied panic as a seven-foot-tall looking image for a evil Dark Lord of The Shame coming out from the smoke-filled door but later it turns out to be five-feet-tall Duck Vader. Duck Vader: Let me see now, bunch of dead bodies on the ground, lots and lots of smoke in the air....Hmmm...Maybe I do need a bath! Princess Babs: Listen, if you guys pass a mailbox, would you mind dropping this in for me? It's the top secret plans! Whatever you do…don't let Lord Duck Vader get his hands on them! Creep-P-O: Why not? Princess Babs: His palms are always sweaty… he'll wilt them out of shape! INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY. The lovely young pink bunny huddles in a small alcove as the duck-troopers search through the ship. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching duck-troopers grow louder. One of the troopers spots her. Duck-Trooper One: Hey there's one of the Rebels now let get her! Duck-Trooper Two: Oh man thank God that this film isn't in 3D , with that way you have pointed right in front of the screen you would have poke out some eyes out at the first three seats. Babs steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her super soaker pistol. She starts to run but then one of the trooper's blasters shot one bullet at her then stopped right next to her in mid-air and then it opened up and pulled out a huge hammer hitting her on the head knocking her out cold. The troopers inspect her inert body. Duck-Trooper: She'll be okay. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner. INT: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- SUBHALLWAY. Bar-Stool stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped four-man pod. Creep-P-O: We got away, Bar-Stool! So far, so good! The Princess depends us! Our mission must not fail! Bar-Stool: If we're both robots, Creep-P-O, how come we look so different? Creep-P-O: Because I happen to be a magnificent, articulate golden Adonis, and you're a sawed-off, incoherent, stupid sack of bolts! Bar-Stool: I knew there had to be a scientific reason for it! INT: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER. On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft. INT: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER -- HALLWAY Princess Babs is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad armored duck-troopers. Her hands are bound and she is brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Duck Vader emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move. Duck Vader: Well Princess! At last I have you alone! Princess Babs: Duck Vader, you've conquered my ship, destroyed my crew, killed off my last tenor, butchered and tortured! WHY? Duck Vader: I wanted to make a strong first impression! Duck Trooper One: I'll say one thing for Duck Vader! He's GREAT at destroying planets! Duck Trooper Two: But LOUSY at picking up girls! Duck Vader: Where are the plans to the space station? Princess Bas: I don't know what you're talking about, you plastic-faced villain. Duck Vader: Plastic-faced…! At least my skin can't brake out in Zits like yours! Duck Troopers: Whooooou! Duck Vader: You are in my power, your Royal Fluffy Tail! Return the plans you stole, and I'll make it worth your while! Princess Babs: You can't bride me, Vader! You forget, I'm fearless and honest and decent and incorruptible! Duck Vader: Since you refuse to talk, you leave me no choice but to go down on my hand and kneel and say "COME ON! Where are the plans!? I'll be your friend!" Princess Babs: All right already, You win! I can't stand to see a grown duck crying! It's my only weakness! Very well if you must know, I gave them to a pair of robots! Duck Vader: What did she say? Duck Trooper: She said she gave them to a pair of robots. Duck Vader: YOU GAVE THEM TO A PAIR OF ROBOTS?! Princess Babs: I never said I was SMART!! EXT: SPACE. The Imperial Cheesedestroyer comes over the surface of the planet Sandbox. EXT: SANDBOX -- DESERT. Jundland, or "No Man's Land", where the rugged desert mesas meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand. Creep-P-O: This is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Bar-Stool! Do you know how HOT it gets inside this robot-suit in the desert? Bar-Stool: (Whispered to Creep-P-O) Creep-P-O: Uh-oh…you should have thought of that before we left! The unsuspecting robots walking along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere, from the rocks scurry Jawas coming at them. Creep-P-O: Bar-Stool, we seem to lost! Oh great…look what's coming! Fiendish creatures about to tear us limb from limb and commit unspeakable acts of cruelty upon us…! Jawas: Follow the yellow sand road! Follow the yellow sand road! Follow… follow… follow… follow… Follow the yellow sand road! Bar-Stool: And then again… there's an outside chance they may be Space Munchkins! EXT: SANDBOX -- DESERT -- DAY. Four Imperial duck-troopers mill about in front of the half-buried lifepod that brought Bar-Stool and Creep-P-O to Sandbox. A trooper yells to an officer some distance away. As the troopers checking out the lifepod three or more duck-troopers in the background running to a beach. Duck Trooper One: Hey, this escape-pod was used by mechanical robot droids! Duck Trooper Two: How can you tell? Duck Trooper One: They left behind empty oil cans with straws in them! EXT: SANDBOX -- DUNES. The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. EXT: SANDBOX -- DESERT -- LARS HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON. The Jawas mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Bar-Stool and Creep-P-O, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead consisting of three large holes in the ground surrounded by several tall moisture vaporators and one small adobe block house. The Jawas scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic elbow. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly, attracting small insects to the dark areas when their mouths and nostrils should be. Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars, a large burly man in his mid-fifties. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump-shouldered nephew, Plucky Skystalker. One of the vile little Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch in a queer, unintelligible language. Plucky: There are the two new droids I bought to work on our moisture farm, Uncle Ben! Maybe they can tell us how to grow moisture… We've been trying for years! And I know they'll do there best… or my name ain't Plucky Skystalker hero of this movie, chief cook and fun-loving garbage collector… Uncle Ben: But we need someone who can work an Intergalactic plow! Creep-P-O: I can work an Intergalactic plow! Uncle Ben! We need someone who can speak our language…Pookie! Creep-P-O: I speak Pookie! Uncle Ben! And we need someone who isn't lazy… someone who's not afraid of hard work 24 hours a day seven days a week! Someone who can fight off monsters, giant robots and man eating aliens! Creep-P-O: I speak Pookie! Plucky: Hi, strangers! I'm Plucky Skystalker! I'm a senior at Buffooin Tech, where I major in incredible Space Heroics! Creep-P-O: You're kidding, there couldn't be any money in THAT field! Plucky: You're telling me! That's why I'm minoring in Space Accounting! Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you look like an "Oscar"?!? Creep-P-O: Take a good look duck! With your performance in this film, it's as close as you'll ever get to an Academy Award! INT: LARS HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON. The garage is cluttered and worn, but a friendly peaceful atmosphere permeates the low gray chamber. Creep-P-O lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm oil. Near the battered Landspeeder little Bar-Stool rests on a large battery with a cord to his face. Plucky: Oh how I wish I could get off this planet, Creep-P-O. It's so dull here. Creep-P-O: Enjoy it. It's very refreshing, Plucky, after all the noise of The Rebellion! Plucky: You were in THE REBLLION! Creep-P-O: Oh, I played only a small role… however, I did once have a big part in STOMP. The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Plucky tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Babs Ohcomeon, the Rebel senator, being projected from the face of little Bar-Stool. The image is a rainbow of colors as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage. Plucky's mouth hangs open in awe. Plucky: Creep-P-O---look! What is it? Princess Babs: Help me OB1 Finokie, you're my only hope. Help me Spooky-One Baloney, you're my only hope. Help me Obi-Won-Ton Kanope, you're my only hope. Help me Phony-Von Moldie, you're my only hope. Creep-P-O: Why, it's either a message for some from the Princess we served… Plucky: Or? Creep-P-O: Or Bar-Stool is malfunctioning again and projecting reruns of "90210." Plucky: Well I don't know who's OB1, Spooky-One, or what ever the name is but I did heard of one called Oldie-Aunt Slappy! Many years ago, She and my father were Military Pilots together. Now, she's 97… she can hardly see… and her hands shake terribly. Creep-P-O: What does she do now?! Plucky: What else? She's a Commercial Airlines Pilot! A women's voice calls out from another room. Aunt Puperu: Plucky! Come to dinner! INT: LARS HOMESTEAD -- DINING AREA. Plucky's Aunt Puperu, a warm, motherly woman, fills a pitcher with blue fluid from a refrigerated container in the well-used kitchen. She puts the pitcher on a tray with some bowls of food and starts for the dining area. Plucky sits with his Uncle Own before a table covered with steaming bowls of food as Aunt Puperu carries in a bowl of red grain. Plucky: You know, something tells me that R2 unit we got may have been stolen. Own: What makes you think that? Plucky: Well, they say they belong to someone called Oldie Von Moldie. Own is greatly alarmed at the mention the name, but manages to control himself. Plucky: Maybe there are talking about old Aunt Slappy what do you think? Own breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger. Own: That old squirrel's just a crazy old comedian. Tomorrow I want you to take that Bar-Stool unit into Anchorhead and have its memory flushed. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now. Plucky: But what if this Oldie comes looking for them? Own: She won't, I don't think she exists any more. He died about the same time as your father. Plucky: She knew about my father? Own: I told you to forget it. Plucky: Yes, sir. I think those new droids are going to work out okay. In fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying on another season. And if these droids do work out great, I want to transmit my application to the Academy this year. Own's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it. Own: Your not thinking of going before harvest? Plucky: Why not there's lots of droids here. Own: But I need you here the most. Maybe next year. Plucky continues to toy with his food, not looking at his uncle. Own: You must understand I need you here, Plucky. Plucky pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands. Plucky: Yeah, that's what you said last year when Beg and Fifi left. Aunt Puperu: Where are you going? Plucky: To my room. I have to finish cleaning those droids. Resigned to his fate, Plucky paddles out of the room. Own mechanically finishes his dinner. Aunt Puperu: Own, he can't stay here forever. And you know that. Own: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise. Aunt Puperu: Plucky's just not a farmer, Own. He has too much of his father in him. Own: That's what I'm afraid of. EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD. The giant twin suns of Sandbox slowly disappear behind a distant dune range. Plucky stands watching them for a few moments, then reluctantly enters the domed entrance to the homestead. INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE. Plucky enters the garage to discover the robots nowhere in sight. He takes a small control box from his utility belt similar to the one the Jawas were carrying. He activates the box, which creates a low hum, and Creep-P-O, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper spaceship. Creep-P-O: Hey watch it with that! Plucky: I was just talking to my uncle and… what's wrong? Creep-P-O: While you were in the house, Bar-Stool climbed out that window and went off to look for Oldie-Aunt Slappy. Plucky: How did that metal thing climb into that very small hole on the wall with no hands… Creep-P-O: Don't question. This is science fiction. We can do anything we want-let's just find him before your uncle discovers he's gone. Into your speedester. Plucky: That's just great! Plucky races out of the garage followed by Creep-P-O. EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- LARS HOMESTEAD. Plucky rushes out of the small domed entry to the homestead and searches the darkening horizon for the small tripped astro- robot. Creep-P-O struggles out of the homestead and on the salt flat as Plucky scans the landscape with his electrobinoculars that read View-Master 2000 on it's side. Creep-P-O: Sorry that Bar-Stool have gone away. Plucky: I can't seem to find him anywhere! It's looks like we have to go find him in the morning. INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- PLAZA. Morning slowly creeps into the sparse but sparkling oasis of the open courtyard. The idyll is broken be the yelling of Uncle Own, his voice echoing throughout the homestead. Own: Plucky? Plucky? Plucky? Where could he be loafing now! INTERIOR: LARS HOMESTEAD -- KITCHEN. The interior of the kitchen is a worm glow as Aunt Pupreu prepares the morning breakfast. Own enters in a huff. Own: Have you seen Plucky this morning? Aunt Puperu: He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he left early. Own: Uh? Like what? Aunt Puperu: Don't know really. Own: Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired be midday or there'll be hell to pay! EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- DESERT WASTELAND -- PLUCKY'S SPEEDER ---DAY. The rock and sand of the desert floor are a blur as Creep-P-O pilots the sleek Landspeeder gracefully across the vast wasteland. INTERIOR/EXTERIOR: PLUCKY'S SPEEDER -- DESERT WASTELAND -- TRAVELING -- DAY. Plucky leans over the back of the speeder and adjusts something in the motor compartment. Creep-P-O: This is quite a nice speedester, hey we found Bar-Stool but… gad! What's that?! Plucky: That my friend are Sand in there feet People just don't make any sound or they will start to attack us and you know what they're after. Creep-P-O: Our skins? Plucky: Worse! My CD player! Plucky watches the distant Tusken Raider through his electrobinoculars. Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Plucky or Creep-P-O can react, a large, gruesome Tusken Raider looms over them. Creep-P-O is startled and backs away, right off the side if the cliff. He can be heard for several moments as he clangs, bangs and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii -- the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local settlers. But Plucky manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed to pieces. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh. Plucky: Oh-Oh! Following that little clinker into the desert here has gotten us face-to-face with one of the dreaded sand in there feet people! Now he's gonna grind me up into sand myself! And me… a guy who's hated the beach all my life! Until a shabby old desert-rat-of-a-woman appears to scare off the Sand-In-Your-Feet people. Aunt Slappy: Fear not, my futuristic friend… I will save you with my special power… Go away… Sandy person… or, in your own weird language… AMSCRAY! YEECH FEH! POO POO GAVALT! Special power being my incredible B.O… body odor works every time! Then Oldie leans over Plucky squints his eyes as she scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. Aunt Slappy: I'm Oldie-Aunt Slappy! I drove off the Sand in there feet People when they attacked you, then bandaged your wounds! I'm an old warrior who's rather clever…! Plucky: Yeah but I was hit in the head… and you bandaged my FOOT!! Aunt Slappy: I'm ALSO rather senile! INTERIOR: SLAPPY'S DWELLING. The small, spartan hovel is cluttered with desert junk but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security. Plucky is in one corner repairing Creep-P-O's arm, as old Slappy sits thinking. Creep-P-O: So you're Oldie-Aunt Slappy! Wow! I heard about you! But you're old now… you should be collecting Intergalactic Social Security! How can you help us? Aunt Slappy: With the power of the JOKE! Plucky: The JOKE of good and righteousness? Aunt Slappy: No… the JOKE of my contract and star value! Remember… I'm the only name actor in this whole furshlugginer cast! Creep-P-O: Bar-Stool has a message for you. Would you like him to deliver it? Aunt Slappy: Will I have to tip him? Creep-P-O: We need help! It's our Princess! She's in terrible trouble! I'm now going to press a button on my companion here, and an image will appear with a message that may mean life or death for the entire universe! Here goes… Bar-Stool Message: And now it's time for Animaniacs! Creep-P-O: Whoops! Wrong button! Plucky: Don't tell me you get THAT thing up here too! Aunt Slappy: Yep! There's no way you can keep it out! Princess Babs: Testing, testing one-two-three… Is this thing on? Aunt Slappy! Hi! How's the kids? Are the gerbils healthy? Aunt Slappy: Will you get on with it, I'm growing old here! Princess Babs: Oh… You've got to come to Balderon… save my planet! Save my people!.. and for beat values, save BIG at Mike's Interplanetary Radish Shop and don't forget, buy five star ships and get one FREE! Aunt Slappy: I hate commercial ads. Princess Babs: Hey this message ain't cheap! Please save me, Oldie-Aunt Slappy, hey I got your name right! Wherever you are! You are my only hope! Otherwise, billions of people will be wiped out in a holocaust, the likes of which civilization has never seen! And you think that's huge then check out a BIG sale at Jo-Jo's All You Can Eat at… Aunt Slappy: O.K. that's enough of that now! Very well. Plucky. We will go into town, find us a space ship and rescue Princess Dealer there! But first, I must teach you about the JOKE… Plucky: The JOKE! What's that?!? Aunt Slappy: It is a Power that is all around us! It is everywhere at all times! It knows all and sees all! It is eternal! Plucky: They have something like that on Earth! It's called "The Internal Revenue Service"! Aunt Slappy: Hey who does the Jokes around here! Anyway before we go your father wanted me to give you this… Plucky: Wow a brown paper bag! Aunt Slappy: No idiot! It's what inside the bag. Plucky: Wow! A flash light! Aunt Slappy: It's not a flash light… it's a Light Saber. Here take it! It will help you in your battles! Plucky: Gosh! My very own lazer sword! I can hardly wait to try it out… WHOOPS!! Heh, heh! Sorry about that, lady! Aunt Slappy: Never mind… It's only a flesh wound of the face! Lucky I'm on Medicaid. EXTERIOR: SPACE. An Imperial Cheesedestroyer heads toward the evil planet-like battle station: the Hurt Star! INTERIOR: HURT STAR -- CONFERENCE ROOM. Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table. Imperial duck-troopers stand guard around the room. Commander Roderick, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking. Com Roderick: Until Hurt Star is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebels to smart. They're more crazyer than you realize. The bitter Admiral Danforth twists nervously in his chair. Adr Danforth: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battle station! Com Roderick: The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial Senate as long as.... Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Roderick's speech is cut short and the Grand Muffin Tarplin, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Duck Vader. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him. Tarplin: The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away. Com Roderick: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a punch-line and exploit it. Duck Vader: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. Adr Danforth: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it! Duck Vader: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Joke. Adr Danforth: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort... Suddenly Vader takes out a huge feather and jump on top of Adr Danforth. Duck Vader: Tickel! Tickel! Tickel! Adr Danforth: Hah-hah-hah! Stop it , hah-hah-hah I can't berate! Duck Vader: I find your lack of deoderent disturbing. Tanplin: Enough of this! Vader, release him! Duck Vader: As you wish. Tarplin: This is pointless. Lord Vader will provide us with the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is done. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke. EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- WASTELAND. The speeder stops before what remains of the huge Jawas Sandcrawler. Plucky and Slappy walk among the smoldering rubble and scattered bodies. Plucky: It looks like Sand-In-There-Feet people did this, all right. Just look, here are Gaffi sticks, Bantha tracks. They left a sine saying "Sand-In-There-Feet people was here". It's just...I never heard of them hitting anything this big before. Slappy walks up to Plucky wereing an umbrella-hat and drinking ice tea. Aunt Slappy: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did for two reasons, one the duck-troopers came here to look for the droids and they did this to make us think the Sand-In-There-Feet people did it… Plucky: And the other reson? Aunt Slappy: They can't spell anything beyond the letter "B". Plucky: But if they were looking for the droids that means they can find out who got them and find them back… home! Plucky reaches a sudden horrible realization, then races for the speeder and jumps it. EXT: SANDBOX -- WASTELAND. Plucky races across the wasteland in his battered Landspeeder. EXT: SANDBOX -- LARS HOMESTEAD. The speeder roars up to the burning homestead. Plucky jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place. Plucky: Uncle Own! Aunt Parpure! Uncle Own! Plucky stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains. He is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him. Plucky: Oh no… the Empire has turned Uncle Own and Aunt Parpure into "Shake'n'Bake"! EXT: SPACE. Imperial TIME fighter races toward the Hurt Star. INTERIOR: HURT STAR -- DETENTION CORRIDOR. Two duck-troopers open an electronic cell door and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Princess Babs's face is filled with defiance, which slowly gives way to fear as a giant black torture robot enters, followed by Duck Vader. Duck Vader: And, now Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. The torture robot gives off a steady beeping sound as it approaches Princess Babs and opens up a TV screen and showing Richard Simmons. The door slides shut and the long cell block hallway appears peaceful. The muffled screams of the Rebel princess are barely heard. EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- WASTELAND. There is a large bonfire of Jawa bodies blazing in front of the Sandcrawler as Slappy and the robots finish burning the dead. Plucky drives up in the speeder and Slappy walks over to him. EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- WASTELAND. The Landspeeder with Plucky, Bar-Stool, Creep-P-O, and Slappy in it zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at Mud Easily. It is a haphazard array of low, grey, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Plucky adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Slappy is standing. Aunt Slappy: Mud Easily Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Mostly my Agents. Slappy looks over at Plucky, who gives the old Wacky a determined smile. EXTERIOR: SANDBOX -- MUD EASLY -- STREET. Aunt Slappy: Well, here we are in town… looking for a dishonest, yet nobel pilot to fly us off this planet, deliver the tapes to the rebel forces and save the beautiful Princess! Where should we look first? Plucky: How about Hertz Rent-a-Rocket? Aunt Slappy: Too expensive! Plucky: Hey I know! Let's look in the Yellow Pages! Aunt Slappy: But we don't want a Yellow pilot… we want a brave one! The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened duck-troopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Plucky. Duck-Trooper: Hold it! Let me see your I.D! Aunt Slappy: He doesn't have to show you his I.D! Duck-Trooper: You doesn't have to show me your I.D! Aunt Slappy: He can go about his business! Duck-Trooper: You can go about your business! Plucky: Gee, Oldie, how did you do that? Aunt Slappy: The Joke gives you power over weak minds! Plucky: The Joke gives me power over weak minds! Aunt Slappy: All right! Drive on! Plucky: All right! Drive on! INT: SNADBOX -- MUD EASLY -- CANTINA. The young adventurer and his two mechanical servants follow Aunt Slappy into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks. Slappy moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum. Aunt Slappy: I'm told that we can find a pilot to fly us to Balderon in it's interplanetary bar. Female Alien: Hi there, big boy. Plucky: This bar is FULL of weird thing!! Aunt Slappy: Funny! This is what I usually see in a bar AFTER I've had a few drinks! Plucky: These aliens are really weird. Where are they from? Aunt Slappy: Mostly New York City. Plucky is terrified but tries not to show it. He quietly sips his drink, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever. Plucky then spilled his drink on one of large, and very angry creatures, then the creature gives Plucky a rough shove. Earthworm Jim: All No You Didn't!? Freakazoid: He doesn't like you. Plucky: Sorry max. Freakazoid : I don't like you eder, Shirley the Loon don't like you, every body that saw your Plucky Duck Show don't like you a lot! And first off all that show is not even called a real show it just a bunch of old cartoon shows put together, you should had call it "The Plucky-I'm-So-Cheap-Of-Making-Any-New-Cartoon-I'll-Dumb-Some-Old-Seen-Together Show" Plucky: I'll watch it next time. Freakazoid: Oh I don't think so my little green duck, you see, me and my wormy friend here are about to go and play a Pong game and guest who going to be the puck… duck? Plucky: Meep! Aunt Slappy: This idiot has nothing for you to steal and trust me I know, I pick pocketed him about an hour ago. Plucky: Huh what? Freakazoid: And what are you going to do with that thing old grey one? With astounding agility the old squirrel's laser sword sparks to life and takes shape of a huge hammer humming over both Earthworm Jim and Freakazoid. Tom Hanks: Houston we have a problem! Strange creatures play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments as Plucky, still giddy, downs a fresh drink and follows Slappy and Chewbacon to a booth where Buster Yo-yo is sitting. Buster is a tough, roguish starpilot rabbit. A mercenary on a starship, he is simple, sentimental, and cocksure. Buster: Hi I'm Buster Yo-yo… handsome, but slightly dishonest, space pilot! I understand you guys are looking for a fast space ship to charter! And talk fast…I'm double-parked! Aunt Slappy: How fast is your ship? Buster: 28,000 REPTMS per hours! Plucky: How fast is that! Buster: More then twice as fast as 11,000 REPTMS per hours! Aunt Slappy: Wow! That IS fast! Okay… we'll take it! We'll pay you and your partner 17,000 credits to fly us off this planet and help us save the universe! Buster: Sorry. I charge 25,000 for saving the universe! As Buster is about to leave, Greed-Poo, a slimy green-faced alien with a short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. The creature speaks in a foreign tongue translated into English subtitles. Greed-Poo: Going somewhere, Yo-yo? Buster: Yes, Greed-Poo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Blobba The God-Pigeon that I've got his money. Buster sits down and the alien sits across from him holding the lever. Greed-Poo: It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Blobba's put a price on your furry head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first. Buster: Yeah, but this time I got the money. Greed-Poo: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you. Buster: I don't have it with me. Tell Blobba... Greed-Poo: Blobba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments of bird-seeds at the first sign of an Imperial ship. Buster: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice? Buster Yo-yo slowly reaches for the lever under the table. Greed-Poo: You can tell that to Blobba. He may only take your ship. Buster: Over my dead hairy body. Greed-Poo: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time. Buster: Yeah, by the way do you ever get any headaches? Greed-Poo: No. Buster pulled on the lever and suddenly the slimy alien disappears under a very huge safe dropped by Buster Yo-yo. Buster gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some coins as he leaves. Buster: Sorry about the mess. As Buster walks out the safe's door opens and two Warner Bros. and a Warner Sister are running away. EXT: DOCKING PORT ENTRY -- ALLEYWAY. Chewbacon waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Slappy, Plucky, and the robots make their way up the street. Chewbacon jabbers excitedly and signals for them to hurry. The darkly clad creature has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway and speaks into a small transmitter. INT: MUD EASLY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94 Chewbacon leads the group into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. Resting in the middle of the huge hole is a large, round, beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that could only loosely be called a starship. Buster: Well here it is folks The Magnet Falcon! I can let you have this baby on our Seven Day Special! No daily charges, we supply the fuel, and you can drop it off at any planet! Let's see…at 15 cent a mile…for your trip…it will cost you…TOPS…600 million bucks! Plucky: What? That's preposterous! It's insane! Buster: Boy, you sure drive a hard bargain. Okay, okay! I'll throw in the $2.50 Collision Insurance and I even throw in a half a can of used Coke. Plucky: I knew he'd come around! Aunt Slappy: Ohy-vae! EXT: SANDBOX -- MUD EASLY -- STREET. Eight Imperial duck-troopers rush up to the darkly clad creature. Duck-Trooper: Which way? The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay. Duck-Trooper: All right, ducks. Load your weapons! INTERIOR: MUD EASLY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94. The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance. Duck-Trooper: There they are, Shoot them! Buster: Wohoo! Hey guys if it those unpaid parking tickets I can explain! EXT: SANDBOX -- MUD EASLY -- STREETS. The half-dozen duck-troopers at a check point hear the general alarm and look to the sky as the huge starship rises above the dingy slum dwellings and quickly disappears into the morning sky. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- COCKPIT. Buster and the rest climbs into the pilot's chair next to Chewbacon, who hatters away as he points to something on the radar scope. EXT: SPACE -- PLANET SANDBOX. The Croatian pirateship zooms from Sandbox into space. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- COCKPIT. Buster frantically types information into the ship's computer. Little Bar-Stool appears momentarily at the cockpit doorway. Buster: Here we go, folks! Fasten your seatbelts and no smoking, please! The stewardess will serve you drinks in a minute! Thanks you for flying Air Buster! Buster: I hope you guys don't mind my bringing Chewbacon the Loony along as my co-pilot. Chewbacon: ME KNOW HOW TO FLY SHIP-SHIP!! Plucky: Wow! This has been one weird trip so far…hasn't it, Oldie? Aunt Slappy: Well, when someone piloting a ship I'm on starts pounding his furry chest, climbing the walls, and stinks like last year's take-out food, I worry! Plucky: Me too! And there's no telling what the Co-pilot is liable to do, either! EXT: SPACE -- PLANET SANDBOX. Imperial cruisers fire at the pirateship. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- COCKPIT. The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window. Plucky: Are you sure this thing is fast enough to outrun Imperial space-fighters, Buster! Buster: Don't worry, I'll make the jump to light speed in 10 seconds. Plucky: Great! And what comes after light speed? Buster: Usually a Space Cop! The ship begins to rock violently as lasers hit it. Buster: We're no match for those Imperial Time Fighters! I'm going to kick this baby into hyperspace! Plucky: Hyperspace?! Is it safe? EXT: SPACE. The galaxy brightens and they move faster, almost as if crashing a barrier. Stars become streaks as the pirateship makes the jump to hyperspace. The Magnet Falcon zooms into infinity in less than a second. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- COCKPIT. On the back of the cockpit lies Plucky, Buster, Chewbacon and Slappy flatted on the wall as the ship goes faster then lightspeed. Buster: Almost. EXT: HURT STAR. A planet looms behind the Hurt Star battlestation. INT: HURT STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Duck Vader and two duck-troopers enter with Princess Babs. Grand Tarplin: Ah Princess Babs so wonderful you meet you here. Princess Babs: Well is it isn't Grand Tarplin I've should had known you're on this space station. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. Grand Tarplin: Oh you like it, it's my new men's cologne, "Scent Of An Evil" but that's not the point. Princess Babs, you are a prisoner aboard the most advanced space ship in history! It has fire power strong enough to wipe out any planet! It has speed enough to wipe out any enemy! And it has a Symphony Orchestra loud enough to wipe out any audience! Now Princess, will you tell me where the stolen plans are? Princess Babs: Never, Tarplin! Grand Tarplin: Don't worry Duck Vader, I believe I may have a idea! Duck Vader: And what do you mean by that?…Oh no, NO! Not that anything but THAT! Don't bring HIM out! Grand Tarplin: Since you refuse to talk, you leave me no other choice but for you to talk to…Mr.Evil Puppet Head! Mr.Evil Puppet Head: Okay, Princess…are you going to tell me where the secret rebel base is located? And mainly, where are the plans containing that secret? Princess Babs: Are You Crazy I would never…Oh okay then come closer and I'll tell you where they are. Mr.Evil Puppet Head: I knew you would come to your….OOF!! Duck Vader: Now why didn't I think of that? Mr.Evil Puppet Head: Oooooh my tiny little puppet head. Duck Vader press that button and blow up the Princess's home planet of Balderon. Princess Babs: Now, that's what I call urban renewal! INT: HURT STAR -- BLAST CHAMBER. Duck Vader: Commence primary ignition. A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled. Vader reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Balderon. The small green planet of Balderon is blown into space dust. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Slappy watches Plucky practice the lightsaber with a small "seeker" robot. Slappy suddenly turns away and sits down. She falters, seems almost faint. Plucky: Hey what's wrong? Aunt Slappy: I suddenly feel a sick sensation in my stomach… like a million souls crying out in terror! It's… an incredible disturbance, I feel… Plucky: Perhaps the Empire has blown up an entire planet…? Aunt Slappy: Perhaps…! Then again, it might be the radishes I had for lunch…! Anyway you've got to go and keep practicing with the laser, Plucky. Only training and the Joke will get us through this. Plucky: Hey! Stand still will you! Come on you little! He, Ha, Ho! Almost there and! Aunt Slappy: No, no, Plucky! You're looking at the target with your eyes! Try to "see it" with your mind!! Try hitting it with this bucket covering your eyes. See? You're doing much better! Plucky: But this bucket has a little slit in it! I can still see out…! Aunt Slappy: Seeing with your mind, Plucky, also means keeping your mouth shut! Buster: Hey both of you-come here! Balderon's missing! Plucky: Maybe they're away for the summer. Buster: The whole planet?! Aunt Slappy: I'm afraid they were blown up by The Empire! Buster: No way man, it would had taken millions of Troopers eating lots of cans of beans all at once and then… Creep-P-O: Look! Plucky: Gosh, Oldie Aunt Slappy! Look at the size of that marble! Aunt Slappy: That's no marble, Plucky! That's the dreaded Hurt Star… the Galactic Empire's answer to the Mafia! Creep-P-O: Let's get out of here! Buster: We can't! We've lost control! We're being drawn toward it! Plucky: What! How can that be?! Buster: They have their X-5-G Nuclear Hoover-Matic on "Full Suck"! You gotta admit… it's a great way to get people to visit. INT: MAGNET FALCON -- HURT STAR. As the battered pirate starship is towed closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive battle station becomes staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere is a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless pirateship is dragged. EXT: HURT STAR -- HUGE PORT DOORS. The helpless Magnet Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons. INT: HURT STAR -- DOCKING BAY 2037. The pirateship is pulled in through port doors of the Hurt Star, coming to rest in a huge hangar. Thirty duck-troopers stand at attention in a central assembly area. Duck-Trooper: Okay men, start looking! Plucky: This is a great plan Yo-yo, having us all hide in water coolers while troopers searche the ship. Aunt Slappy: Now remember, lads, try to act nonchalant! One by one the gang walks through the front gate of the station. First Buster walks with his small blaster gun, then Chewbacon walks by with his own bigger blaster gun, then came Aunt Slappy with her even bigger blaster, it's three time her size and on it reads "BFG 9000" on it. But the Ralph makes no attempt to stop any of them but then Plucky walks pass him with no gun of any kind on him and that when Ralph start's to see something unusual and then he grabs Plucky. Plucky: Oh great! Not a other Ralph in front of the gate scene again! WHY ME?! Ralph: Hey where do you think yous go? Plucky: Yeah well you see I was at a party of six and I was drinking way too many club sodas and it seems that I can't hold in any water…heh-heh and well… Ralph: Well why didn't yous say so! I help you with your needs. Plucky: Well thanks but really that wont be ne… As Ralph grab Plucky by the neck then head then press a button and a very large "John" comes up from the floor and then Ralph lets go of Plucky and falls in and Ralph flushes the "John," seeing Plucky going down into the bottom. Ralph: Ducky goes down the hole. Meantime, as Ralph was eating some high sugared donuts, a beam of light came down in front of him. There he see Plucky as William Shatner from Star Trek. Plucky: Fear not friend, my not so little friend. I (Long Pause) came here to seek out strange and unusual aliens so that I can use them for my upcoming film "Star Trash The Search For Even More Money" And even it would have taken me here to the end of time I (Long Pause) will get my job done! Now step aside mister so I may pass and begin my quest. Ralph: Well your in luck. There are three aliens right here who want to meet you as well. Plucky: Huh? What? Who? As Ralph points Plucky to the aliens they are none other then The Borgs. As Plucky looks on with fear in his face, his toupee turnes out to be a Tribble, and starts to run away. As Plucky tried to run away, The Borgs grab him. Later, Plucky came out as a smaller version of the Robot from Lost In Space. Then, later a small mouse droid is passing by Ralph, then it went to the control room with rest of the gang as it openes its top Plucky is coming out it in pain. Plucky: Well that's takes care of that… Aunt Slappy: Here's my first plan, men! You fellows…stay here in the control room while I go and turn off the field that's keeping us here. Buster: Yeah that's all good and dandy but what if you're spotted! Hah? What happen then Ms.Know it all! Aunt Slappy: Okay…here's my second plan…I'll tell them where you guys are hiding at and by the time they found you I'll be running away screaming like a little school girl, steal your ship and flying home with my hands up in the air and singing "Happy Days Are Here Again"! How's that huh? You like that plan, Blue Boy?! Buster: On the other hand, I like the First plan better. What do you think, Plucky? Plucky: Me? Why asking me, you're the one who pissed her off! Aunt Slappy: Hey Punky… Plucky: Plucky. Aunt Slappy: What ever, come over here, I want talk to you. I want you to remember that the power of the Joke is always with you and I hope you use it with great care, and who knows you maybe you'll be a fine comedian. Good bye and stay funny. Chewbacon: Eey-Grahh-Fac-Bluw-Ploofuop! Buster: Boy you got that right, Plucky where did you draw up that old re-run? Plucky: Oldie-Aunt Slappy is the funniest toon ever, rabbit! Buster: Oh yeah? Well I can make better NEW jokes then she would! I mean come on, duck, she's using old jokes way back in her days when Black & White was Black AND White! Plucky: Oh YEAH! Creep-P-O: Sir Bar-Stool says the Princess is here on this space station. Plucky: Princess Babs? We have to rescue her. Buster: What Princess? Plucky: No time to explanations we have to save her! Buster: No way duck! I'm not going to risk my furry blue neck for an unknown want-a-be queen just to make you happy, forget it! Plucky: Come on Buster, she's beautiful! Buster: So is Life! Plucky: She's Rich! Buster: So is… huh RICH! Plucky: Yeah so rich that, Buster: What? Plucky: That she can buy you all the carrots you can dream of! Buster: I don't know I can dream quit big. Ok, duck, what's your plan? Plucky: Simple, Buster… we get disguises and make our way unseen to the inner compound! Then we grab the Princess! Buster: Easy, fella… this is a PG-rated fanfic story! We'll have none of that! Plucky: Oh you know what I mean! Buster: Okay here's the Princess Cell and what this a door sign, it reads "Please Knock And Enter" Oh okay I will… Plucky: No time for that now! Get out of my way! INT. HURT STAR - CELL ROW. As Plucky bum's rushes, the cell door break's down and as he's falling down with the door. Plucky looks and points at Princess Babs, he begin to talk and at the same time Buster is standing in front of the doorway still having his hands up and knocking like if there's still a door up. Plucky: Your Highness, I'm Plucky Skystalker! I'm majoring in "Incredible Space heroics" at Buffooin Tech! As my Term Project, I decided to organize an army, find a convenient space ship, rescue you, fight hundreds of evil duck-troopers and fly you six billion miles to safety on the Planet, Draidel! Princess Babs: Are you NUTS! That's madness! You know what would happen if you fail?! Plucky: Don't even mention. Gee… who wants to be a Space accountant! By this time Plucky is on the floor and Babs walks up to where Buster is with a big smile and Buster still has his hand up and knocking in the air. Princess Babs: And what is your reason for doing this? Buster: Princess, I'm doing this for the money!! Princess Babs: Then I'll see to it that you get plenty! I will give you $100 million! Buster: Wow! Just think of what I can buy with $100 million! Princess Babs: Well, if you go to Earth, you buy a pound of Coffee for $20 million! This is the year 2652 you know…! Plucky: Can some one give me a little help here I'm fallen and I… Buster and Babs: Can't get up! We get the Joke! INT. HURT STAR - DETENTION CORRIDOR. Plucky and Babs crouch together in an alcove for protection as they continue to exchange fire with troops. Buster and Chewbacon are barely able to keep the duck-troopers at bay at the far and of the hallway. The laserfire is very intense, and smoke fills the narrow cell corridor. Princess Babs: O.K. Mr. I won't to be Buck Rogers, how do we escape? Plucky: Escape? Darn! I knew I forgot to plan out something! Princess Babs: Lovely! Buster: Want some more good news, we are being surrounded by duck-troopers and there's no way out, now what?! Princess Babs: Give me that blaster and follow me… I'll save us! Babs grabed the blaster gun from Plucky and shot out a hole on the wall then all four jumped in to the garbage chute. Princess Babs: Er… next time I say "Follow me" just tell me to Shut Up! Buster: Man, talk about a real dump… this place smells worse then Hoboken in the summer time. Plucky: What's happening? Why are the walls are closeing in?! Buster: Great!! We're not only in the world's largest Space Station… but we're also in the world's largest Trash Compactor! Plucky: Well, at least they won't find us here! Princess Babs: And if they DO find us, they won't recognize us! They'll be looking for FULL-SIZDE people! Plucky: to Creep-P-O --- are you alright? Creep-P-O: Yes, Bar-Stool and I have camouflaged ourselves. Bar-Stool: Yeah if you call you wearing a maid outfit and me as a vacuum cleaner as camouflaged? INT. DEATH STAR - TRACTOR BEAM - POWER GENERATOR TRENCH. Aunt Slappy enters a humming service trench that powers the huge tractor beam. The trench seems to be a hundred miles deep. The clacking sound of huge switching devices can be heard. The old Wacky Night edges her way along a narrow ledge leading to a generator that is nothing more then a very large Duracell Battery connected to two large cables. She carefully makes several adjustments in the computer terminal, and several images from old TV shows to cartoon adds. Aunt Slappy: I was wondering what these creeps are using. INT. HURT STAR - UNUSED HALLWAY. The group exits the garbage room into a dusty, unused hallway. Buster and Plucky remove the Trooper suits and strap on the blaster belts. Plucky: We're safe! Now everyone back to the ship! Chewbacon: Raaar! Buster: You wanna know which way the enemy is? Straight ahead. Chewbacon runs away from the group and yelling like a baby as Buster looking at him in shame. Buster: A true hero! INT. HURT STAR - POWER TRENCH. Suddenly a door behind Slappy slides open and a detachment of duck-troopers marches to the power trench. Aunt Slappy instantly slips into the shadows as an Officer moves to within a few feet of her. All but two of the duck-troopers leave. Duck-Trooper One: Do you know what's going on? Duck-Trooper Two: Maybe it's another school drill. Aunt Slappy moves around the tractor beam, watching the duck-troopers as they turn their backs to her. Aunt Slappy gestures with her hand toward them, as the troops think they are seeing a huge Pin-Up poster of Minerva Mink in her bikini floating in mid air. With the help of the Joke, Slappy deftly slips past the troopers as they are chasing the poster, she walk into the main hallway. Duck-Trooper One: It's mine! Duck-Trooper Two: No way man it's mine! Duck-Trooper One: NO MINE!! Duck-Trooper Two: MINE!! INT. HURT STAR - HALLWAY. Plucky, Buster, Chewbacon, and Babs run down an empty hallway and stop before a bay window overlooking the pirateship. Troopers are milling about the ship. Plucky takes out his pocket comlink. Buster: (Looking at his ship) There she is. Plucky: Creep-P-O do you hear me? Creep-P-O: (Voice) We're fine me and Bar-Stool were playing Nintendo and... Plucky: Well stop playing we'll be right there in a sec. And by the way how is Bar-Stool-Me-Too playing with out any hands? Creep-P-O: (Voice) Trust me sir, you don't wont to know. Buster is watching the dozen or so duck-troops moving in and out of the pirateship. Babs moves towards Buster, touches his arm and points out the window to the ship. Princess Babs: You came in that garbage? You're much braver than I thought. Buster: Cute! Come on! Buster gives Babs a dirty look, and they start off down the hallway. They round a corner and run right into twenty Imperial duck-troopers heading toward them. Both groups are taken by surprise and stop in their tracks. Duck-Trooper: It's them! Get them! Before even thinking, Buster draws his laser pistol and charges the troops, firing. His blaster knocks one of the duck-troopers into the air. Dizzy follows his captain down the corridor, stepping over the fallen Trooper on the floor. Buster: (To Plucky and Babs) Get back to my garbage looking ship! Plucky: What? Hey come back! Buster has already rounded a corner and does not hear. Princess Babs: He certainly has hair on his chest. Then again he's a rabbit he has hair all over his body! Plucky is furious but doesn't have time to think about it for muted alarms begin to go off down on the hangar deck. Plucky and Babs start off toward the starship hangar. INT. HURT STAR - SUBHALLWAY. Buster chases the duck-troopers down a long subhallway. He is yelling and brandishing his laser pistol. The troops reach a dead end and are forced to turn and fight. Buster stops a few feet from them and assumes a defensive position. The troops begin to raise their laser guns. Soon all duck-troopers are moving into an attack position in front of the lone starpirate. Buster's determined look begins to fade as the troops begin to advance. Buster jumps backward as they fire at him. INT. HURT STAR - SUBHALLWAY. Chewbacon runs down the subhallway in a last-ditch attempt to save his bold captain. Suddenly he hears the firing of laser guns and yelling. Around the corner shoots Buster, pirate extraordinaire, running for his life, followed by a host of furious duck-troopers. Chewbacon turns and starts running the other way also. INT. HURT STAR - SUBHALLWAY. Plucky fires his laser pistol wildly as he and Babs rush down a narrow subhallway, chased by several duck-troopers. They quickly reach the end of the subhallway and race through an open hatchway. INT. HURT STAR - CENTRAL CORE SHAFT. Plucky and Babs race through the hatch onto a narrow bridge that spans a huge, deep shaft that seems to go into infinity. The bridge has been retracted into the wall of the shaft, and Plucky almost rushes into the abyss. He loses his balance off the end of the bridge as Babs, behind him, takes hold of his arm and pulls him back. Plucky: (gasping) I think we took a wrong turn. Princess Babs: You think? Blasts from the duck-troopers' laser guns explode nearby reminding them of the oncoming danger. Plucky fires back at the advancing troops. Babs reaches over and hits a switch that pops the hatch door shut with a resounding boom, leaving them precariously perched on a short piece of bridge overhang. Laserfire from the troopers continues to hit the steel door. Plucky: It's a good thing I had this package of dental floss on me. Princess Babs: What fantastic luck! Who arranged for you to carry a handy rope on your belt with a hook that happens to fit over that projection so we can swing over this bottomless pit? Plucky: Probably the same claver guy who saw to it that 500 sharpshooters could fire at us and miss from a distance of ten feet! As Plucky and Babs swing, in the background a man in loin cloth swings as well. Ape Man: Ungawah! Somebody steal old "Tarzan" act! Copycat!! INT. HURT STAR - HALLWAY LEADING TO MAIN FORWARD BAY. Slappy hurries along one of the tunnels leading to the hangar where the pirateship waits. Just before she reaches the hangar, Duck Vader steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not ten feet away. Vader lights his saber. Slappy also ignites her and steps slowly forward. But then the film stops and in the bottom right corner of the screen are the three Animaniacs Yakoo, Wakoo and Dot. Yakoo: Boy this movie is getting more and more exciting by the minute but before we go any farther, did you ever wonder how do they get those F-X we see to work? Dot: No, but I bet you'll going to tell us anyway right? Yakoo: Indeed I do "Flower Pot Head" Because today, just for greater part of over-weight fans out there see how they do it. So sit back, eat your Tacos and get ready to set your face to stun! As the three go back into the corner of the screen, Slappy stands still as at the same time a figure runs up to her with a lighted saber and then switches the saber from the unlighted one to a lighted one. Aunt Slappy: So, Lord "In the Dark Ele-Vader"… my former pupil… I should have known that you are evil in heart when your check bounced! Prepare your Light Ray Sword for a duel to the death! I shall triumph because I have The Joke! Aunt Slappy: Get ready to die, you black-hearted villain! What the? Good lord! My light ray has gone out! Duck Vader: Take that, you old fool! Aunt Slappy: Mother of Mercy! (ugh!) is this the end of Ricco? Er… I mean Slappy! Think of all the things I'll miss, like friends, family, ball series, cheap movies, old car smells, Hollywood people that I haven't made fun off yet, making love with Tom Green and…. Duck-Vader: Die already well you…! Aunt Slappy: How ironic! Betrayed by a lack of faith in The Joke….and a ridiculously short…. Gasp…. Extension cord! Vader is puzzled at Slappy's disappearance and pokes at the empty cloak. As the guards are distracted, the adventurers and the robots reach the starship. Plucky sees Slappy cut in two and starts for her. Aghast, he yells out. Plucky: No! The duck-troopers turn toward Plucky and begin firing at him. The robots are already moving up the ramp into the Magnet Falcon, while Plucky, transfixed by anger and awe, returns their fire. Buster joins in the laserfire. Vader looks up and advances toward them, as one of his troopers is struck down. Buster: (to Plucky) Come on Plucky! Princess Babs: Come on! Plucky, its too late! Plucky: No!! Buster: Blast the door! Duck! Plucky fires his pistol at the door control panel, and it explodes. The door begins to slide shut. Three troopers charge forward firing laser bolts, as the door slides to a close behind them, shutting Vader and the other troops out of the docking bay. A duck-trooper lies dead at the feet of his onrushing compatriots. Plucky starts for the advancing troops, as Buster and Babs move up the ramp into the pirateship. He fires, hitting a duck-trooper, who crumbles to the floor. Slappy's Voice: Run, Plucky! Run! And when you run off go and pick me up some Butter Milk will you? Plucky looks around to see where the voice came from. He turns toward the pirateship, ducking Imperial gunfire from the troopers and races into the ship. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster pulls back on the controls and the ship begins to move. The dull thud of laser bolts bouncing off the outside of the ship as Dizzy adjusts his controls. Buster: I hope the old squirrel got that tractor beam out of commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it! Chewbacon growls in agreement. EXT. MAGNET FALCON. The Magnet Falcon powers away from the Hurt Star docking bay, makes a spectacular turn and disappears into the vastness of space. INT. MAGNET FALCON - CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Plucky, saddened by the loss of Oldie Aunt Slappy, stares off blankly as the robots look on. Babs puts a blanket around him protectively, and Plucky turns and looks up at her. She sits down beside him. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster spots approaching enemy ships. Buster: (to Dizzy) Great , here's come ships. Hold 'em off Chewbacon! Angle the deflector shields while I charge up the main guns! INT. MAGNET FALCON - CENTRAL HOLD AREA. Plucky looks downward sadly, shaking his head back and forth, as the princess smiles comfortingly at him. Plucky: I can't believe it, why did it happen. Princess Babs: Are you sad and in deep despair in that Oldie Aunt Slappy gave her life to save us and help us to get away from the evil empire? Plucky: No, I'm just remembering how the original Star Wars movie lost the Oscar for Best Picture to a 1977 film "Annie Hall." WHY! That movie stinks! Buster rushes into the hold area where Plucky is sitting with the Princess. Buster: (to Plucky) Come on, buddy, it's not over yet! INT. MAGNET FALCON - GUNPORTS - COCKPIT. Buster climbs into his attack position in the topside gunport. INT. MAGNET FALCON - HOLD AREA. Plucky gets up and moves out toward the gunports as Babs heads for the cockpit. INT. MAGNET FALCON - GUNPORTS - COCKPIT. Plucky climbs down the ladder into the gunport cockpit, settling into one of the two main laser cannons mounted in large rotating turrets on either side of the ship. INT. MAGNET FALCON - BUSTER'S GUNPORT. Buster adjusts his headset as he sits before the controls of his laser cannon, then speaks into the attached microphone. Buster: (to Plucky) You in, Duck? Okay, keep your eye out and don't worry, Plucky, just think of it as a video game! Plucky: (to Buster) Yeah but if I lose I'll be dead for REAL! Buster: (to Plucky) I didn't say it was a "fake" video game! INT. MAGNET FALCON - GUNPORTS - COCKPIT. Chewbacon and Princess Babs search the heavens for attacking TIME fighters. Dizzy pulls back on the speed controls as the ship bounces slightly. INT. MAGNET FALCON - BUSTER'S GUNPORT - COCKPIT. Computer graphic readouts form on Buster's target screen, as Buster reaches for the controls. INT. MAGNET FALCON - PLUCKY'S GUNPORT - COCKPIT. Plucky sits in readiness for the attack, his hand on the laser cannon's control button. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Chewbacon spots the enemy ships and barks. Princess Babs: (into intercom) Okay boys it's PUN "Time"! INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT - POV (POINT OF VIEW) - SPACE. The Imperial TIME fighters move towards the Magnet Falcon, one each veering off to the left and right of the pirateship. INT. TIME FIGHTER - COCKPIT. The stars whip past behind the Imperial duck-pilot as he adjusts his maneuvering joystick. EXT. MAGNET FALCON - IN SPACE. The TIME fighter races past the Falcon, firing laser beams as it passes. Buster: Plucky it's "TIME" to shoot them down! Plucky: Buster stop wasting my "TIME"! Buster: Don't worry there's plenty of "TIME" to kill! Princess Babs: You guys have way to much "TIME" on your hands! Creep-P-O: That "TIME" just flew by really fast! Bar-Stool: Hey there "TIME" is running out! Plucky: "TIME" flies when you're having fun! EXT. SPACE - MAGNET FALCON. The victorious Magnet Falcon moves off majestically through space. 191. INT. HURT STAR - CONTROL ROOM. Duck Vader strides into the control room, where Tarplin is watching the huge view screen. A sea of stars is before him. Tarplin: Are they gone? Duck Vader: Yes they jumped into light speed! Tarplin: I hope your plan works, Duck Vader. Duck Vader: Do not worry I have one of my men on their ship leaving a trial of bread crumb for use to follow! INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster, removes his black gloves and is smiling at the controls of the ship. Dizzy moves into the aft section to check the damage. Babs is seated near Buster. Buster: Not a bad rescue, huh Princess, sometimes I amaze even myself. Princess Babs: That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go and you know that. It's the only explanation for the ease of our get away. Buster: What?! Are you nuts! Princess Babs: They're following us! Buster: Not this ship, lady. Frustrated, Babs shakes her head. Princess Babs: At least the plans in Bar-Stool is still intact. Buster: What's the big dial? What's he carrying in him? Princess Babs: The technical "Punch Line" of that battle station. I only hope we get back soon. It's not over yet! Buster: Hey wait a sec! I'm not fighting for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess Big Mouth. I expect get paid, alot. I'm in it for the money! Princess Babs: Well if that's what you think then fine by me You don't need to worry about your money. If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll get! She angrily turns, and as she starts out of the cockpit, passes Plucky coming in. Princess Babs: Your furry friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about you...or anyone. Plucky: Hey I care! Plucky, shaking his head, sits in the co-pilot seat. He and Buster stare out at the vast blackness of space. Plucky: So...what do you think of her, Buster? Buster: I'm trying not about it, duck! Plucky: (under his breath) Good... Buster: Still, she's do got spirit. I just don't know, hey what do you think? Do you think a princess and a guy like me... Plucky: No way! Plucky says it with finality and looks away. Buster smiles at Plucky's jealousy. EXT. SPACE AROUND FOURTH MOON OF DRAIEL. The battered pirateship drifts into orbit around the planet Draiel and proceeds to one of its tiny green moons. EXT. FOURTH MOON OF DRAIEL. The pirateship soars over the dense jungle. EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST. An alert guard, his laser gun in hand, scans the countryside. He sets the gun down and looks toward the temple, barely visible in the foliage. EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - JUNGLE TEMPLE. Rotting in a forest of gargantuan trees, an ancient temple lies shrouded in an eerie mist. The air is heavy with the fantastic cries of unimaginable creatures. Buster, Plucky and the others are greeted by the Rebel troops. Plucky and the group ride into the massive temple on an armored military speeder. INT. MASSASSI - MAIN HANGAR DECK. The military speeder stops in a huge spaceship hangar, set up in the interior of the crumbling temple. Willard, the commander of the Rebel forces, rushes up to the group and gives Babs a big hug. Every one is pleased to see her. Rebel Commander: Welcome home Princess. Did you bring anything with you from your voyage? Princess Babs: Yes the plan to destroy this evil space station "The Hurt Star". Rebel Commander: And? Princess Babs: And that's it! Rebel Commander: What! No souvenirs! No "I've Been To The Hurt Star" bumper stickers. No fun T-shirts that say "Hurt Star Lives"? Man your no fun! Princess Babs: Well… you did it guys! You rescued me, you beat up on the bad guys, and now you are about to receive a hero's welcome here on home rebel base Draidel! Plucky: Hello, people of Draidel…! As Plucky waving to all the people two old bearded men run up to Babs in fear. Steven: Terrible news, your Highness! Duck Vader is boiling mad, and now he's about to destroy the planet of Draidel! George: What we need is a courageous pliot to save us because if we don't there won't be a sequel to this film! Steven: George made me wear this cape… George: Who told you that you can speak? Steven: Sorry Sir. Princess Babs: Oh boys, I have a favor to ask you… By the time Babs was done talking, both Plucky and Buster are fighting to get back on the pirateship. Plucky: Goodbye, people of Draidel! Buster: Don't call us, because we won't call you! EXT. SPACE. The surface of the Hurt Star ominously approaches the red planet Draidel. INT. HURT STAR - CONTROL ROOM. Grand Muffin Tarplin and Lord Duck Vader are interrupted in their discussion by the buzz of the comlink. Tarplin moves to answer the call. Tarplin: Yes. HURT STAR INTERCOM VOICE We are approaching the planet Draidel. The Rebel base is on a moon on the far side. We are preparing to orbit the planet. EXT. DRAIDEL - JUNGLE A lone guard stands in a tower high above the Draidel landscape, surveying the countryside. A mist hangs over the jungle of twisted green. INT. MASSASSI - WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA. Bugs Bunny stands before a large electronic wall display readout and under it is an Atari logo sign. Babs and several other senators are to one side of the giant. The low-ceilinged room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of Bar-Stool-type robots. Everyone is listening intently to what Bugs Bunny is saying. Buster and Chewbacon are standing near the back. Bugs: I don't about this battle with space ships and ray guns… sounds like a cheap video game to me. Guys, in my day we would pour salt on snails and wacth them melt on the ground, and that's how we won a war. Plucky is sitting next to Fifi Long Tail, a hotshot pilot with a pink bow. Fifi Long Tail: We're never going to win this, he's talking crazy talk! Plucky: Hey don't worry about it my friends all think of me as being crazy for being in this battle with you guys, and I know we going to win! And besides I signed up for sequel rights for two more films! Bugs: And that's our attack plan. We will use single man… Fifi Long Tail: Hey! Bugs: Er..single pilot fighters. All you have to do is get a bomb directly into this manhole and it will set off a nuclear reaction blowing the Hurt Star to smithereens. Any questions? Plucky: Yes, sir. Exactly where is Smithereens located? Fifi Long Tail: We're so doomed. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - MAIN HANGAR DECK. Plucky, Creep-P-O and little Bar-Stool enter the huge spaceship hangar and hurry along a long line of gleaming spacefighters. Flight crews rush around loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power couplings. In an area isolated from this activity, Plucky finds Buster and Chewbacon Man's Voice: (over loudspeaker) All flight troops, man your stations. All flight troops, man your stations… Huh? Hey you should not be here in…what the…Oof…stop that!… Fifi's Voice: (over loudspeaker) All flight troops, man & woman your stations. All flight troops, man & woman your stations. Buster is deliberately ignoring the activity of the fighter pilots' preparation. Plucky is quite saddened at the sight of his friend's departure. Plucky: Are you coming Yo-yo? Buster: Sorry. There's no money in it for me. Besides, I have a prior commitment. I have to take Chewbacon to the dry cleaners. Plucky: But there's no urgency in that! Buster: Oh no! Have you taken a whiff of him lately? Plucky: O.K. Fine be that way. Plucky goes off and Buster hesitates, then calls to him. Buster: Hey Plucky… May the Joke be with you. INT. MAIN HANGAR DECK - PLUCKY'S SHIP. Plucky, Babs, and Bugs meet under a huge space fighter. Princess Babs: Plucky what's wrong? Plucky: Nothing, nothing at all… wait that's not true, it's just that I mess Oldie. Babs gives Plucky a little kiss, turns, and goes off. As Plucky heads for his ship. Bar-Stool is being loaded in. All final preparations are made for the approaching battle. The hangar is buzzing with the last minute activity as the pilots and crewmen alike make their final adjustments. The hum of activity is occasionally trespassed by the distorted voice of the loudspeaker issuing commands. Coupling hoses are disconnected from the ships as they are fueled. Cockpit shields roll smoothly into place over each pilot. A signalman, holding red guiding lights, directs the ships. Plucky, a trace of a smile gracing his peeks, peers about through his goggles. Aunt's Voice: Plucky, the Joke will be with you. Plucky is confused at the voice and taps his headphones. EXT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - JUNGLE. All that can be seen of the fortress is a lone guard standing on a small pedestal jutting out above the dense jungle. The muted gruesome crying sounds that naturally permeate this eerie purgatory are overwhelmed by the thundering din of ion rockets as four silver starships catapult from the foliage in a tight formation and disappear into the morning cloud cover. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs, Creep-P-O, and field commander Furball sit quietly before the giant display showing the planet Draidel and its four moons. The red dot that represents the Hurt Star moves ever closer to the system. A series of green dots appears around the fourth moon and an image of Pac-Man eating the dots one at a time. A din of indistinct chatter fills the war room. Massassi Intercom Voice: Stand-by alert. Hurt Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes. EXT. SPACE. The Hurt Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Draidel in the foreground, as many X-wing fighters flying in formation zoom toward us and out of the frame. EXT. SPACE - ANOTHER ANGLE. Light from a distant sun creates an eerie atmospheric glow around a huge planet, Draidel. Rebel fighters flying in formation settle ominously in the foreground and very slowly pull away. INT. RED LEADER STARSHIP - COCKPIT. Red Leader lowers his visor and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men. Red Leader Parsom: Whu-Wee All yous wings report in. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg Fox Star: Red 3 hanging on and ready. INT. PLUCKY'S COCKPIT. Plucky: Red 5 hanging on and ready. INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. Fifi Long Tail: Gosh! Look at the size of that thing! INT. CALAMITY'S COCKPIT. Calamity: (Holding up a Sign) Red 12 chickening out and leaving. EXT. SPACE. The group of X-wing fighters move in formation toward the Hurt Star, unfolding the wings and locking them in the "X" position. As the fighters move closer to the Hurt Star, the awesome size of the gargantuan Imperial fortress is revealed. Half of the deadly space station is in shadow and this area sparkles with thousands of small lights running in thin lines and occasionally grouped in large clusters; somewhat like a city at night as seen from a weather satellite. INT. HURT STAR. Alarm sirens scream as soldiers scramble to large turbo-powered laser gun emplacements. Electronic drivers rotate the huge guns into position as crews adjust their targeting devices. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT - TRAVELING. Beg panics when he discovers a TIME ship on his tail. The horizon in the background twists around as he peels off, hoping to lose the Imperial fighter. INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. Fifi Long Tail: Beg! You've one on your tail...watch it! Beg: I can't see it! Where is he?! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Beg zooms off the surface and into space, closely followed by an Imperial TIME fighter. The TIME ship fires several laserbolts at Beg, but misses. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT - TRAVELING. Beg sees the TIME ship behind him and swings around, trying to avoid him. Beg: He's on me tight, I can't shake him...I can't shake him. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Beg, flying at high altitude, peels off and dives toward the Hurt Star surface, but he is unable to lose the TIME fighter, who sticks close to his tail. INT. X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT - TRAVELING. Plucky is flying upside down. He rotates his ship around to normal attitude as he comes out of his dive. Plucky: Hang in there, Beg, I'm coming in. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Beg and the tailing TIME ship dive for the surface, now followed by a fast-gaining Plucky. After Beg dives out of sight, Plucky chases the Imperial fighter. EXT. SURFACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. In the foreground, the Imperial fighter races across the Hurt Star's surface, closely followed by Plucky in the background. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT - TRAVELING. There is a shot from Plucky's X-wing of the TIE ship exploding in a mass of flames. Plucky: Got him! Beg: Thanks buddy! INT. HURT STAR. Hurt Star Com: The enemy is breaking through our defenses, Sir! They're using small one-man ships! We never planned on being attacked by anything that small! Tarplin: I can't believe it! We build the most advanced space station in history, and nobody thought about putting SCREENS on the windows!?! Plucky: (over speaker) Beg, Fifi, let's close it up. We're going in. INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. The horizon twists as Fifi begins to pull out. Fifi Long Tail: Right with you, Duck. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. The two X-wings peel off against a background of stars and dive toward the Hurt Star. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg: Plucky, at that speed are you sure we can get out in time? INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky: It'll be just like Faker's Bathroom back home. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. The three X-wings move in, unleashing a barrage of laserfire. Laserbolts are returned from the Hurt Star. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Plucky's lifelong friend struggles with his controls. Beg: We'll stay back far enough to cover your butt. INT. PLUCKY'S COCKPIT. Flak and laserbolts flash outside Plucky's cockpit window. Fifi Long tail: (over headset) My scope shows the big towers, but I can't see the manhole! What makes you think we can hit it? EXT. Hurt STAR - GUN EMPLACEMENTS. The Hurt Star laser cannon slowly rotates as it shoots laserbolts. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky looks around for the Imperial TIME fighters. He thinks for a moment and then moves his targeting device into position. Plucky: Watch it! Increase the speed on your ships! INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. Fifi looks excitedly about for any sign of the TIME fighters. Fifi Long Tail: What about those big and huge towers? INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky: Don't worry about them, they're just models! EXT. HURT STAR SURFACE. Plucky's X-wing streaks through the trench, firing lasers. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky breaks into a nervous sweat as the laserfire is returned, knicking one of his wings close to the engine. Plucky: (to Bar-Stool) Hey you back there... that stabilizer's broken see if you can fix it! EXT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER. Bar-Stool works to repair the damages with a Band-Aid. The canyon wall rushes by in the background, making his delicate task seem even more precarious. EXT. HURT STAR. Two laser cannons are firing on the Rebel fighters. INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. Fifi looks up and sees the TIME ships. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky's targeting device marks off the distance to the target. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Vader and his wingmen zoom closer. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his controls and fires laserbolts at two X-wings flying down the trench. He scores a direct hit on Fifi. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs and the others are grouped around the computer board. Fifi Long Tail: (over speaker) I'm hit! I'm sorry but I can't stay with you Plucky. Plucky: (over speaker) Get out of there, Fifi. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky: Your no good to me dead back there! INT. FIFI'S COCKPIT. Fifi Long Tail: Forgive me guys! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Fifi pulls her crippled X-wing back away from the battle. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader watches the escape but issues a command to his wingmen. Duck Vader: Let her go! Stay on the leader! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Plucky's X-wing speeds down the trench; the three TIME fighters, still in perfect unbroken formation, tail close behind. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg looks around at the TIME fighters. He is worried. Beg: Hurry it up, Plucky, they're coming in much faster this time. I can't hold them for long! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. The three TIME fighters move ever closer, closing in on Plucky and Beg. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky looks back anxiously at little Bar-Stool. Plucky: Bar-Stool, try making this ship go faster! EXT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER. Ignoring the bumpy ride, flak, and lasers, Bar-Stool Me-Too struggles to increase the power, his dome turning from side to side. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Stealthily, the TIME formation creeps closer. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his control stick. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg looks around at the TIME fighters. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER. Plucky looks into his targeting device. He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the computer targeter. Beg: (over headset) Hurry up, Plucky! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Vader and his wingmen race through the Hurt Star trench. Beg moves in to cover for Plucky, but Vader gains on him. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg sees the TIME fighter aiming at him. Beg: HURRY! INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader squeezes the fire button on his controls. INT. BEG'S COCKPIT. Beg's cockpit explodes around him, lighting him in red. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Beg's ship bursts into a million flaming bits and scatters across the surface. Beg is dead. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs and Furball stare at the computer board. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING COCKPIT. Plucky is stunned by Beg's death. His eyes are watering, but his anger is also growing. INT. HURT STAR - CONTROL ROOM. Grand Muffin Tarplin watches the projected target screen with satisfaction and holding his puppet in his hand. Hurt Star Intercom Voice: Rebel base, thirty seconds and closing. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader takes aim on Plucky and talks to the wingmen. Duck Vader: I'm on the leader. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR - PLUCKY'S SHIP. Plucky's ship streaks through the trench of the Hurt Star. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Princess Babs returns her general's worried and doubtful glances with solid, grim determination. Creep-P-O seems nervous. Creep-P-O: Just hang in there , Bar-Stool! INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING - COCKPIT. Plucky is talking to him self at the same time he concentrates on his targeting device. Plucky: Here I am the only pilot left who can destroy the Hurt Star! What can I do?! Slappy's Voice: Use the Joke, Plucky! Plucky: What can the Joke do for me, Oldie?? Slappy's Voice: The Joke knows how to find the target, Plucky! Plucky: What else can the Joke do for me, Oldie?? Slappy's Voice: The Joke knows how to hit the target, Plucky! Plucky: But what if the Joke lets me down and misses the target and all my friends die. Oldie? Slappy's Voice: The Joke also knows how to cover up, Duck! EXT. SURFACE OF THE DEATH STAR. Plucky's fighter streaks through the trench. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Duck Vader: The Joke is strong with this one! EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Vader follows Plucky's X-wing down the trench. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING - COCKPIT. Plucky looks to the targeting device, then away as he hears Slappy's voice. Slappy's Voice: Plucky I was kidding on the covering up part, just trust me on the Joke. Plucky's hand reaches for the control panel and presses the button. The targeting device moves away. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs and Furball stand watching the projected screen. Base Voice: (over speaker) His computer's off. Plucky, you switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong? Plucky: (over speaker) Nothing. I'm all right I can do this. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Plucky's ship streaks ever close to the exhaust port. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING - COCKPIT. Plucky looks at the Hurt Star surface streaking by. EXT. Plucky'S X-WING FIGHTER. Bar-Stool turns his head from side to side. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. The three TIME fighters, manned by Vader and his two wingmen, follow Plucky's X-wing down the trench. 443. INT DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader maneuvers his controls as he looks at his doomed target. He presses the fire buttons on his control sticks. Laserfire shoots toward Plucky's X-wing fighter. EXT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER. A large burst of Vader's laserfire engulfs Bar-Stool. The arms go limp on the smoking little droid as he makes a high-pitched sound. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky looks frantically back over his shoulder at Bar-Stool. EXT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER. Smoke billows out around little Bar-Stool and sparks begin to fly. Plucky: I've lost Bar-Stool! INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs and the others stare intently at the projected screen, while Creep-P-O watches the Princess. Lights representing the Hurt Star and targets glow brightly. MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: The Hurt Star has cleared the planet. The Hurt Star has cleared the planet. INT. HURT STAR - CONTROL ROOM. Tarplin glares at the projected target screen. Hurt Star Intercom Voice: Rebel base, in range. Tarplin's Hand Puppet: You may fire when ready. Hurt Star Intercom Voive: Commence primary ignition. An officer reaches up and pushes buttons on the control panel, as green lighted buttons turn to red. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. The three TIME fighters zoom down the Hurt Star trench in pursuit of Plucky, never breaking formation. INT. PLUCKY'S COCKPIT. Plucky looks anxiously at the exhaust port. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader adjusts his control sticks, checking his projected targeting screen. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Plucky's ship barrels down the trench. 453. INT. HURT VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader's targeting computer swings around into position. Vader takes careful aim on Plucky's X-wing fighter. Duck Vader: I got you now. He pushes the fire buttons. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. The three TIME fighters move in on Plucky. As Vader's center fighter unleashes a volley of laserfire, one of the TIME ships at his side is hit and explodes into flame. The two remaining ships continue to move in. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky looks about, wondering whose laserfire destroyed Vader's wingman. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader is taken by surprise, and looks out from his cockpit. Duck Vader: What the? INT. DUCK VADER'S WINGMAN - COCKPIT. Vader's wingman searches around him trying to locate the unknown attacker. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster and Chewbacon grin from ear to ear. Buster: (yelling) Yahoo! EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. The Magnet Falcon heads right at the two TIME fighters. It's a collision course. INT. WINGMAN'S COCKPIT. The wingman spots the pirateship coming at him and warns the Dark Lord. Wingman: Look out! EXT. HURT STAR TRENCH. Vader's wingman panics at the sight of the oncoming pirate starship and veers radically to one side, colliding with Vader's TIME fighter in the process. Vader's wingman crashes into the side wall of the trench and explodes. Vader's damaged ship spins out of the trench with a damaged wing. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Vader's ship spins out of control with a bent solar fin, heading for deep space. INT. DUCK VADER'S COCKPIT. Vader turns round and round in circles as his ship spins into space. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Buster's ship moves in toward the Hurt Star trench. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster, smiling, speaks to Plucky over his headset mike. Buster: (into mike) You're all clear, duck. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - WAR ROOM. Babs and the others listen to Buster's transmission. Buster: (over speaker) Now let's blow this thing and go home! INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky looks up and smiles. He concentrates on the exhaust port, then fires his two cans of Pork'n'Beans torpedoes. EXT. SURFACE OF THE HURT STAR. Plucky's Pork'n'Beans torpedoes shoot toward the port and seems to simply disappear into the surface and not explode. But the shots do find their mark and have gone into the exhaust port and are heading for the main reactor. INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky throws his head back in relief. INT. HURT STAR. An Imperial soldier runs to the control panel board and pulls the attack lever as the board behind him lights up. Intercom Voice: Stand by to fire at Rebel base. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. Two X-wings, a Y-wing, and the pirateship race toward Draidel in the distance. INT. HURT STAR. Several Imperial soldiers, flanking a pensive Grand Muffin Tarplin, busily push control levers and buttons. Intercom Voice: Standing by. The rumble of a distant explosion begins. EXT. SPACE AROUND THE HURT STAR. The Rebel ships race out of sight, leaving the moon-like Hurt Star alone against a blanket of stars. Several small flashes appear on the surface. The Hurt Star bursts into a supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display. 474. INT. MAGNET FALCON - COCKPIT. Buster: Great shot, Plucky. That was one in a million! INT. PLUCKY'S X-WING FIGHTER - COCKPIT. Plucky is at ease, and his eyes are closed. Slappy's Voice: Remember, the Joke will be with you...always… The ship rocks back and forth. EXT. DUCK VADER'S TIE FIGHTER. Vader's ship spins off into space. EXT. SPACE. The Rebel ships race toward the fourth moon of Draidel. INT: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- MAIN HANGAR. Plucky climbs out of his starship fighter and is cheered by a throng of ground crew and pilots. Plucky climbs down the ladder as they all welcome him with laughter, cheers, and shouting. Princess Babs rushes toward him. Princess Babs: Plucky! Plucky! Plucky! She throws her arms around Plucky and hugs him as they dance round in a circle. Buster runs in toward Plucky and they embrace one another, slapping each other on the back. Buster: (laughing) Hey! Hey! Hey! Plucky: (laughing) I knew you'd come back! I just knew it! Buster: Well, I wasn't gonna let you get all the credit and take all the reward. Plucky and Buster look at one another, as Buster playfully shoves at Plucky's face. Babs moves in between them. Princess Babs: (laughing) Hey, I knew there was more to you than money. INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - MAIN THRONE ROOM. Plucky, Buster, and Chewbacon enter the huge ruins of the main temple. Hundreds of troops are lined up in neat rows. Banners are flying and at the far end stands a vision in white, the beautiful young Senator Babs. Plucky and the others solemnly march up the long aisle and kneel before Senator Babs. From one side of the temple marches a shined-up and fully repaired Bar-Stool Me-Too. He waddles up to the group and stands next to an equally pristine See Creep-P-O, who is rather awe-struck by the whole event. Chewbacon is confused. Bugs Bunny and several other dignitaries sit on the left of the Princess Babs. Babs is dressed in a long white dress and is staggeringly beautiful. She rises and places a gold medallion around Buster's neck. He winks at her. She then repeats the ceremony with Plucky, who is moved by the event. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all bow before them. Chewbacon growls. Princess Babs: …and so, in closing, people of Draidel, I would just like to say that tyranny has at long last been wiped from the face of the universe, and peace is here! The star wars are over forever! Plucky: But… that's terrible! That's simply awful!! Buster: What is Plucky? Plucky: Now that we've made the universe safe, we've opened it up for the tourists!! A sea of tourists rush in to the room taking flash pics and eating corn-dogs and yelling out loud! Tourist #1: Eat your heart out Disney World! Tourist #2: Mom, I wanna Throw U… Tourist #3: Where can I get a defiant Franks! Tourist #4: This place has lousy beds! Tourist #5: Y'mean the Pink Bunny's a real Princess?! FADE OUT END CREDITS OVER STARS THE END CREDITS Written and Made up by JOHN CALCANO Produced NO BODY Starring PLUCKY DUCK BUSTER BUNNY BABS BUNNY DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF and SLAPPY SQUIRREL with FOUL MOUTH HAMTON J. PIG DIZZY DEVIL Music by JOHN WILLIAMS Performed by The London Symphony Orchestra Original Music Copyright 1977 by Fox Fanfare Music Inc. BANANAVISION TECHNIBLACK&WHITE Prints by GLUE Making Films Sound Weird, SHOWME SYSTEM Noise Reduction -- High Comedy CAST Plucky Skystalker PLUCKY DUCK Buster Yo-yo BUSTER BUNNY Princess Babs Ohcomon BABS BUNNY Grand Muffin Tarplin DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF Aunt (Oldie) Slappy SLAPPY SQUIRREL See-Creep-P-O FOUL MOUTH Bar-Stool Me-Too HAMTON J PIG Chewbacon DIZZY DEVIL General Bugs BUGS BUNNY Red Two (Fifi Long Tail) FIFI LA FUME Red Three (Beg Fox Star) MALE FOX NETWORK General Roderick RODERICK RAT General Danforth DANFORTH DUCK Duck Vader DUCK VADER