Snow Loon By Colin Feder(TacoShell@aol.com,HEWU64D@prodigy.com) Once upon a time, in a land called Acme, there lived a beautiful Loon and an evil Vice Principal. Our story opens in Acme Loo in the Vice Principal's office. . . "Mirror, Mirror, on the chair, who's the fairest in thy lair?" asked Vice Principal Elmyra. "There is one more beautiful than thee. With hair the color of grain, beak the color of the evening sun, and feathers the color of Snow," said the mirror(Buster). "Snow Loon! She MUST be killed." Being with that, the VP calls for the best hunter. "Eh, another bit part. Another day, another carrot," said Buster. "Buster (now the hunter) you are to kill Snow Loon. To make sure this is accomplished, you must bring her small intestine back to me in this Acme Air shoe box," ordered Elmyra. "Yes, Your Majesty." Earlier in the day, we find Snow Loon in the school courtyard singing. "I want a duck to love and to hold. A duck is all I want. I'm wishing for a duck to call my own!' Suddenly Prince Plucky rides up on his noble steed. "Why are you singing that horrid song??" asked the Prince. "Horrid? You really think so?" asked Snow Loon. "Yes." said the Prince "Well, I'm glad you told me. Let's go off screen, so I can thank you for telling me," said Snow Loon as she and the Prince walk off screen. All of the sudden, out of nowhere there is a loud SLAP. "I would of settled for a kiss." said a dazed Prince. Now, later on in the day, Buster is leaving his rabbit hole. "Hmm, now who was I supposed to find? Babs the Barber? No. Elmyra the Educated? No. Oh yeah, that's right! Snow Loon!" Buster walks to Acme Loo where he sees Shirley sitting in the courtyard... "Is there a Snow Loon here??" Buster asks. "Like, I'm Snow Loon, but all my friends call me Shirley." "Well, I'm from Acme Clearing House, and I'm here to tell you, Snow Loon, that YOU won our contest!! You must come with me to claim your prize of all of Ross Perot's money!" "Like, wow, I've, like, never won anything in my life! And the best part is, this isn't a trick because my karma is not telling me not to go. Wait a sec. I sent my karma out to get cleansed the other day." Buster and Shirley walk to a secluded area in Acme Forest. "Like, I thought we were going to Acme Clearing House to claim my prize???" "This is a clearing, and there is the house. What did you expect?" said Buster with a knife in his hand. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Shirley when she turned around to see Buster trying to kill her. "I...I...I can't do it. You are too beautiful to kill. I can't see why the Vice Principal would want you killed. RUN! RUN! Far away and never come back! Not even if you are graduating! Not if you have a date!! Never, ever, come back! And don't worry, I'll take care of the queen." Shirley ran until she could run no more. She fell to the ground and was approached by several forest animals. "Help me!" she cried. "I'm a pawn of deceit in the evil Vice Principal's deadly game! Do you know someplace sfewhere I could stay?" asked Shirley. The animals lead her to a nearby amusement park. Inside the park Shirley hears "Yo Ho! Yo Ho! A pirates life for me!" After hearing this, Shirley is baffled, they walk on until they hear, "It's a small world after all!!" "Ew. Like, wrong park!" Oops, the animals take her to the right park this time, a Warner Bros. Park!! After exploring the park for a bit, they come to the back of the lot. There, at the back of the lot, they see a small, cozy shack. "Like, I wonder who lives there, or some junk." With that, Shirley and the animals walk quietly to the shack. They open the door to find a messy room! "Like, this place is, like, to disgusting, like, even for me!!! I wonder how anybody could live in such a filthy and disgusting place. Why don't we clean it up as a surprise for who ever lives here?" The forest creatures agree this would be a good and most desperately needed idea. Shirley and the forest creatures spend a few hours cleaning and to pass the time they sing this song: "Sing while we scrub! doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Come on let's start, tune up and start to sing while we scrub." When they finish cleaning, Shirley sees stairs leading up to a room. She goes up to find 7 little beds. Each bed has a name carved in it. "Money, Hungry, Genius, Weirdo, Speedy, Stupid, and Strong, why those must be the people who own this hovel." Meanwhile, on the other side of the park. . . "Quittin' Time!!" said Strong as he and the other not so small dwarves turn everything off, and then line up and start to sing. "Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to home we go! With a Heidi Hi Hi! and a Howey How Ho! Hi Ho. . ." They sang over and over until they reached home. When they reached home, they noticed that the door was open. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! Somebody is in the house! What do they want? There's nothing of real value in there, after all we do live in a shack..." started Money as he came to a startling realization "They're after my cash!!! Holy (&@!)! Somebody call the police, the fire department, MY LAWYER!!!" "Shh!" said the others as they entered the house with caution. Not knowing what to expect, they slowly walked into the house. When they got in, to their surprise, the house was sparkling clean! "Who could have done this? Why did they do this? Do we have to pay them?" asked Money. After inspecting the first floor, they went to the stairs leading upward to the next floor. "We should get someone to go up there." read Genius's sign. "Yeah, but who?" everyone said as they turned to Stupid. "I'll go, yup, yup, yup!" said Stupid as he started to climb the stairs. "What a Stuuuuuuuuupid Birdie!" said Strong. Stupid finally got to the top of the stairs, slowly opened the door, and quietly crept inside and found Shirley. But Stupid thought it was a monster! He ran outside. Faster than Speedy! "What's up there?" asked Strong. "A monster, Yup yup!" said Stupid. "A monster!?!" exclaimed the others. They went upstairs and entered the room to find Shirley asleep across to beds. Slowly and suddenly Shirley woke up. "AAAAAAH!" she screamed. "Oh, why you must be the people who own this place." "Yes we are. Who are you? Why are you here? Are you going to pay rent?" replied Money. "Well, um, my name is Snow loon, but please call me Shirley. I am from Acme Acres. I'm here because the evil Vice Principal over at Acme Looniversity was trying to have me killed because I was prettier than her. But you have to understand, even a frog has better looks than her," says Shirley as she pulls a picture of the Vice Principal out of her pocket. When she pulls the picture out of the pocket, the dwarves jump up and cling to the ceiling when they see the picture of the Vice Principal. "Oh my lord! Stupid looks better than she does. Burn that picture, quickly!" started Money. "You still haven't answered the other question. Are you going to pay rent?" "No! Now let's see if I can figure out each of your names. Now let me see. You first(she looks at the dwarf counting money). Let's see, you're counting money so you must be Money!!" "Yeah, what of it." "Who next? AHA! You stuffing the piece of wedding cake in your mouth. You have to be Hungry." "Yep, BELCH!" "You with the sign, I take it you can't talk, but must be very smart. I guess you're Genius!" "Correct!" read Calamity's sign "The one standing on his head next. I take it you are Weirdo." "Hey, why did you insult me?" "No, I meant that was your name." "Oh, well you should have said something." "By looking at those Acme Airs you're wearing, you must be Speedy!" "Beep, Beep" "Those weights over in the corner must belong to someone, I know! They must belong to Strong and since you(looking at Arnold) are using them, and have all the muscles, you have to be Strong." "Ja!" "Who's left? Let me see Money, Hungry, Genius, Speedy, Weirdo, and Strong. I know! Stupid is missing and since you are the only one I haven't figured out, you're Stupid." "Yup, Yup, Yup." "Why in the Yosemite Samhill are you not going to pay rent??" asked Money. "Why am I not going to pay rent? A few reasons...Number one. My contract states that the party of the first part, me, need not pay the party of the second part, you, any money for services that the second party presents to the first party. Number two: I was unable to go to the bank before I was run out af Acme Acres. If I was able to get to an ATM, I might have had some money. Number Three: I wouldn't give you money if I were dying and you were the only doctor to perform the medical services and you gave me a sky-high bill." explained Shirley "Well then, of course you can stay" they all say in harmony. Meanwhile, back at Acme Loo. . . "Mirror, Mirror on the chair, who's the fairest in the lair?" asked the Vice Principal. "There is one more beautiful than thee. With hair the color of Grain, beak the color of the evening sun and feathers the color of snow. "Snow Loon?!?" remarked the queen. "That is impossible. She is dead. I have her small intestine right here." "The small intestine of a Chainsaw Wielding Hitchhiker... To put it softly, you've been bamboozled." said the mirror. "I'll kill Snow Loon yet!" and with that, she went down to the science lab and started to make a magic potion. When she drank this potion she turned into a bunny(Babs). She made a poison when she was the rabbit to get Snow Loon out of her hair for good. When the potion was done, into it she dipped, a carrot. After this was done, she hopped into her car and started off to the dwarves' house. Meanwhile, back at the house of the dwarves. . . "Would you like a tour of the park??" asked Hungry "Why, that would be lovely!" "Are you going to pay admission??" said Money. "MONEY!!!" yelled the others. With that, they started off to the park. "First on our tour is the Ferris Wheel. It is the fastest Ferris wheel in the world. It goes over 60 mph!!" said Weirdo. "Over there is our roller coaster, also one of the fastest in the world. It goes exactly 9,000,000 mph. People love it." said Strong. "For those who like peaceful rides, we have the bumper boats." said Money. "Shouldn't that be bumper cars?? " "No. See over there. Bumper boats. Unfortunately, we have had a few accidents. Usually, when they bump each other, they put holes in the boats and they start leaking, but, other than that, it is one of the most popular rides in the park," continued Money. "If you are hungry during your stay we have a lovely restaurant located in the middle of the bumper boats," said Hungry. "Like, although the script says I won't ask...Why would you put a restaurant in the middle of a ride? How do people get there?" "Well, you see, there is a tunnel over by the Ferris wheel that leads to the restaurant. As to why it is in the middle of the ride, people like to watch people while on the rides," said Hungry "Well, I'm a little hungry, can we go eat? I'm interested in seeing what's on the menu." "Sure. Let's go," said Hungry. The next thing they knew they found themselves inside the restaurant. They looked up at the menu which had everything from 12 foot hot dogs and Seafood Lasagna to Gray Lumps in Brown Sauce and Brown Lumps in Gray Sauce. "I think I'll try the Seafood Lasagna." "That'll be $14.95...." starts Money. "No, it won't. We'll deduct it from Money's paycheck." chuckled Strong. "What?!? You can't do that!!" said Money. "Then shut up!"shouted Strong. "After you have your meal, there is a really great ride to go on...the super splasher. It's a log flume, with genuine sawmill, and a 30 foot drop at the end that is sure to soak. Caution...You will get wet on this ride!!" "Like, wow! I've never seen anything like it, er some junk." "Here is our stage show. Everyday, 4 times daily, hired help puts on a slapstick show that is funnier than the 3 Stooges." said Stupid "Would you like to see it?' "Oh, that would be lots of fun," said Shirley. They sit through the 45 minute show. Everyone laughing wildly. During the show, Money is asked to come on stage and to participate in a magic act, where he is accidentally cut in half, and the magician can't restore him...Oops. After the show they continue the tour... "Next on the tour is our games area. We have games raging from 'Kick the Bucket' to 'Whack a Rat'" explains Weirdo. "Would you like to play anything?" "Oh, Kick the Bucket looks like fun...and Money, I'm not paying." said Shirley as we see Money's facial expression drop to a look that says, "Do you really think I was going to ask?" After throwing plastic feet at buckets of water for about half an hour, they reluctantly decide it is time to press on. (BTW, Shirley was only able to "Kick the Bucket" 25 out of 254 times.) They head to the last stop on the tour. The highlight of the whole park, "The Tunnel of Hatred!" "And last on our tour, the Tunnel of Hatred," says Stupid "I'd say 'Isn't that supposed to be Tunnel of Love,' but you'd probably say 'No, come inside and see why.' So to skip that conversation, lets just go inside and see it, 'Kay?" They go through the long waiting area because it is part of the ride. They see signs such as: ____________________ ______________________ |This Ride May Not Be | |BEWARE OF THE EVILS | |Suitable For Young | |THAT LIE INSIDE THIS| |Children | and |RIDE!!! | "I am afraid to ask what those signs mean." starts Shirley as they pass through the turnstile. They enter a little boat the looks like a rifle... "Hold on to your seats!" exclaims Hungry. The boat starts off and the first thing they come to is the traditional reunite scene. Two badly created robots that supposedly resemble two people start running toward each other. Suddenly, the male robot pulls out an ax and the female robot pulls out a weed whacker. The male chops her head of as the female starts to cut at the male robots' legs. "Like, Ew..." Next there is a robot that resembles Elmyra the comes out and chokes a robotic dog to death. The continue on the ride and then they see a sign... __________________ |THE MOST HATED | |THING IS COMING | |RIGHT AFTER THIS| |DROP | They go down the drop not knowing what to expect. Slowly, the boat comes to a full and complete stop, but the restraints do not come loose. From the ceiling of the tunnel, a movie screen pulls down. The sound of projector starting is heard and on the screen comes the 5/4/3/2 the screen goes dark, and before they could think, they hear..."Go Go Power Rangers..." The boat sits there for an entire half hour episode(with the commercials edited out) "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Screams Shirley as she faints. "I told you that was too hated to put in the ride." says Money Suddenly, Shirley comes too. "What happened?" "You saw an episode of Power Rangers." explained Strong. "No wonder so many people hate them." "Actually, study show that 37% of the population actually watch this slop." says Money. "And think how the young minds of our country are being corrupted by this garbage." said Shirley. "Well, I realize there is a lot more to this park, but I think I've had enough for one day, especially after this ride!" After the tour, they go home and Snow Loon prepares dinner for the dwarves. "Dinner's ready! I hope you don't mind, I had to order out. We are having Weenie Burgers." "That's okay. I'm too hungry to care about what meat by- products are in this." says Hungry. They finish their dinner and watch a little television. "Wasn't that a wonderful program? I just love how the characters show the turmoil of modern teenage life." "Yeah, but why did we have to watch Beverly Hills 90210?" asked Money. "Because I'm your guest and we watch what the guest would like to watch, now, everyone off to bed." "My dear Princess," said Strong, "after careful consideration, we would like you to have the upstairs bedroom. We will gladly make due with what we have down here." The next morning at the cottage. . . "Time for breakfast!!! Today we have Unlucky Worms! I packed each of your lunches in a paper sack. They are over by the trash compactor. Now, eat up!" said Snow Loon. Time passes, the dwarves finish their breakfasts, grab their lunches, and head out the door. "Have a good day!" exclaims Shirley as the dwarves walk out the door. "What should I do today? Maybe I could make the dwarves some pies!" As Snow Loon is making pies for the dwarves a little pink bunny with purple bows in her ears came up to the kitchen window of the cottage. "Eek!" screamed Snow Loon. "Wrong cartoon, Lady. Anyway would you like to buy a box of Bunny Scout carrots?" "Um, alright." "Would you like to try one??" "Sure, why not. CRUNCH! Why, this doesn't taste right. ..." And with that Snow Loon fell to the ground. "MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA" laughed Vice Principle Elmyra as she slowly mutated back into her regular self. "That Snow Loon is out of my life for good!" She started to leave when suddenly she was attacked by a few of the forest creatures. While half of them were attacking the Vice Principal, the other half want to get the dwarves. "What do you want you stupid deer!" screamed Money to a deer who was trying to warn him, BUT, wouldn't you know it; this deer was Monty's old Friend, Vinny the Deer! "Snow Loon is in trouble you moron. The Vice Principal put an evil spell on her." "THE VICE PRINCIPAL!?!" they all shouted. "We have to save her. Everyone home, NOW!" exclaimed Hungry. "Beep-Beep! Beep-Beep!" Beeped Speedy. They took off on the park monorail. Strong tried to get the monorail to go as fast as it could. Unfortunatly, Warp 7 was not fast enough. When they arrived back at the cottage, they walked in, not knowing what to expect, and when they got into the kitchen and sawSnow Loon on the floor, they knew it was too late. Snow Loon had died. Deeply saddened by the loss, and the great beauty of her, the dwarves decide to not bury the body until it starts decomposing. They order a glass casket from the Acme Home Shopping Show(which they got for 29.95 if they used Honkey). Carefully, as to not disrupt the body, they place Snow Loon in the casket, place her hands folded over her chest and place a daffodil between her hands. Slowly, they close the lid, crying, and start to sing. "Where, oh, where has Snow Loon Gone. She's gone, to that big place in the sky. It's not her time to say good-bye. We would rather go instead." Suddenly Prince Plucky(YAY!) comes along on his faithful steed. "GOD! It's one bad song after another in this story. Oh Well. Where is this damsel in distress? OK. What's wrong with her?" asked Prince Plucky. "She's DEAD you moron." said Money. "Tut, tut. Do you want me to save her or what?" "Yes." "THEN SHUT THE. . ." "This is a 'G' rated show, watch your mouth." said Hungry. "Sorry, how did she die?" "She ate a poisoned carrot." "Poison carrot, eh? Let me consult my trusty Hero Handbook ("Don't leave home without it," said Weirdo) Here it is. Poison Carrot. To cure a poison carrot you must. . ." "You must what!?!?" they asked "Sing a bad song." says a distrought Prince Plucky. "But wait! It says 'If this does not work, the victim can be awaken with a kiss.' ALRIGHT!!!! The song: "Let us Sing to wake this lovely loon. Let us harmonize a bad tune. But if it doesn't work and I hope it won't. I'll awaken her with a kiss!" "Yawn. I feel great!" said Snow Loon. "WAH!!!!" Exclaimed Prince Plucky "Why can't I ever win? Just once. WHY! WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !" "What's the matter?" "I thought the song was so good that you wouldn't wake up. I wanted to kiss you." "Well, I guess you deserve it. " The two kiss for what seems like days. The dwarves are sitting there watching until they finally grow impatient... "Will you two break it up??" shouted Money. "Fine!!" they both said. "I wonder what ever happened to the Vice Principal?" asked Prince Plucky. When the animals at the cottage had attacked her, one rabbit gained control of the situation. He tied up the vice principal, gave her cement shoes, and brought her down to the river where she went for a swim and was never heard from again. And as for Plucky and Shirley, they got married, and Plucky ended up having to take care of all the household chores. "WAAHH!! I never win!!" cried Prince Plucky. THE END!!!!!! CREDITS: Written, Directed, produced, thought up By: Colin Feder STARRING (in order of appearance): The Evil Vice Principal................Elmyra the Mirror.............................Buster Bunny the Hunter.............................Buster Bunny Snow Loon..............................Shirley the Loon Prince Plucky..........................Plucky Duck Money..................................Montana Max Hungry.................................Hamton J. Pig Genius.................................Calamity Coyote Weirdo.................................Gogo Dodo Speedy.................................Little Beeper Stupid.................................Concord Strong.................................Arnold the Pit Bull the Bunny Scout........................Babs Bunny the deer...............................Vinny the Deer This note's over ---------------- hit next note "Parting is such sweet sorrow!" SPECIAL THANKS To Kevin Mickel(HKUriah) for talking me into rewriting this story and also special thanks for having him put up with each of the revisions as to be nice enough to edit it. Don't forget to read Welcome Back! Also written by myself. PLUS! Coming Soon: Saying Goodbye...the story about the Toonster's last few days at Acme Loo.