Semper Toon by Greg Williams (gregwilliams@hotmail.com) Being the son of a Marine Corps sergeant can be tough sometimes. He gets transfered on a whim so often I can never make any friends. I mean 5 different countries in 4 years is just too much. Countries, heck, one of them was an island in the middle of the Pacific! He finally got a state-side posting in Texas and I was in my second week at a new school when he came home from his new night posting when he broke the news: we're moving again! I get the same excuse everytime from him: "I'm a soldier, I go where I'm sent." "I'm tired of moving all over the world dad! Just once I like to make it through a school year without moving away!" "I don't need this attitude from you Riley. Your mother knew what my life was like before we married." "But I didn't, and mom is dead; and thank you for bringing that subject up! I am sick of always moving! I wish I were a toon, at least they get to make friends!" "Oh, don't start on your Toon Adventure argument again." he groaned. "Tiny Toon Adventures! I have had it with this life, SERGEANT Stone! I want out of it!" "Don't talk to me in that manner mister!" he warned "I AM NOT A SOLDIER YOU IDIOT, I'M YOUR SON!" I screamed "I wish you could understand that! I'm just extra baggage to you!" "Now see here!" At this point we started screaming at each other, stuff unrepeatable in good company. We both half expect the MP's to show up. I stormed off to my room, furious, and slammed the door. I leaned against it and tried to hold back my anger and pain. I plopped a tape of my favorite show in the VCR and started watching. Before we started moving everywhere I had taped nearly every episode of Tiny Toon Adventures and whatever other Warner Cartoon I could find. They were my getaway for when life got to me. I was serious when I told dad I wished I were a toon, it was my number one fantasy. But, like he said it could never happen. Little did I know how wrong he would be. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Perfecto Prep science labs. Roderick and Rhubella are tinkering with a machine while a human toon who's back is to the camera looks over some plans. "You really think this gizmo's gonna work Professor?" says Roderick "Show some faith Roderick" says Rhubella "He was kind enough to accept our offer. Bringing a human from the real world to here so we can see what makes them tick was your idea for the science fair here at Prep." "And who better to see how they tick than me?" The human toon turns around to reveal Professor Gene Splicer! "This is gonna be fun!" says Roderick with a sneer They all burst out laughing. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I took the video tape out of the VCR and streched my muscles. Dad was making dinner tonight and I could smell it from my room: chipped beef on toast, AGAIN. Marines must live on that stuff because he makes it all the time. I was about to head to dinner when a high pitched whine started. Where in the world was it coming from? Just then a kind of wormhole appeared out of the wall and I felt the tug of gravity. "Riley, what's that noise?" came my dad from across the house. "Get in here quick dad!" I shouted. I was thrown off my feet and was hanging on for dear life to my bed as the gravity well got stronger. "Dad, help me!!" He came in just as I was disapearing into the gravity well. He jumped after me but hit solid wall. Meanwhile I was falling through the wormhole, my entire body tingling from something, and suddenly found myself in daylight, and I started falling again! I didn't have time to get a good look around me as solid ground came rushing up to greet me. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "It's working!" says Splicer. "All right, it's working!" shouts Roderick, who accidentially bangs it with his fist. "Ahh! What did you do?!" shouts Splicer "Now he won't land here he'll land somewhere else!" "Where?" asks Rhubella Splicer's shoulders slump. "Right outside Acme Looniversity." Rhubella glares at Roderick who can only give an embarresed "Oops." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Anybody get the number of that freight train that hit me? Oddly enough, I wasn't hurting as much as I thought I would. "Hey pal, you ok?" came a voice. "What do you think?" I groaned, then started when I recognized that voice. I got up on my hands and knees and looked up into the face of a concerned Buster Bunny. "I gotta be dreaming." I muttered "'friad not pal. That was a nasty fall you had there." "Hey Buster, he all right?" I turned to see Babs Bunny come over. I noticed they both carried school books, and there was something odd about me. I looked at my arms and gasped. A greyish color with black from the forarm to my hands. I looked down and I was the same color, wearing a blue colored vest with a couple pockets. "What....am I" I said shakily. "From the looks of it, a raccoon." said Buster. "Do you have a mirror on you?" I asked Buster dug into himself (literally! *shudder*) and produced a mirror and handed it to me. A toon raccoon looked back at me. I looked back up at Buster and Babs for a beat....and then jumped for joy! "Whoo-hoo! It happened! It really happened! Yaaahoo!" I did several back flips and then stopped in front of the two Bunnies smiling. "Heya. Riley, uh, Raccoon's the name, tooning is my game." They shared a glance, then turned back to me. "Nice to meet ya Riley. Come on, we were on our way to class when you 'dropped in.'" said Babs with a smirk. Rimshot please! I turned around and saw that we were near Acme Loo. I was awestruck! "By the way, where'd you come from?" asked Buster "Uhh...long story." was all I said. They shrugged and we went inside. "Now the first thing is we need to get you enrolled." said Buster "I'm sure I can work out a deal so you can attend class with me today. Next week you'll have to choose your own." "Gladly. So what's first?" "Professor Bugs' office." said Buster. That stopped me in my tracks. I gasped in delight at the idea of meeting Bugs Bunny. "Aw schweet! Let's do it!" "See ya after class Buster." said Babs "Later." We came to a door marked "Principal" and Buster knocked. "Come in." came a reply. "Hey Professor Bugs, thought I'd introduce you to someone. Riley Raccoon, meet Bugs Bunny." "Riley, good ta meet ya." "Oh this is an honor sir! I've watched all your cartoons since I was a kid!" "Who hasn't?" he smoothly replied Buster explained my situation and agreed that I could join Buster for the day. "One last thing, Riley. Where'd you come from?" "I wish I knew sir." was all I could give at the moment. We left Bug's office. "I hope your ready for this." said Buster "I just started my sophmore year and it can be a little intense for a new comer." "Bring it on." I said smugly "I'm ready." Ohh, how I wish that were so! Classes included Wildtakes 101 with Porky Pig, and Toon Physics with Elmer Fudd. The thing that amazed me was the walking on air bit. He even had me try to demonstrate. Note how I said "try." I was practically limping out of class when lunch came around. "I'll introduce you to some of my friends." says Buster "And we'll see if you can stomach the food." he said with a grin. "Swell." was my dry remark. After getting our food we sat down at a table with practically the entire lot of them! Babs, Plucky, Hampton, Shirley and Fifi to name a few. This was a real hoot for me, I'd only known them as cartoon characters and now I was actually meeting them. "So where do you come from Riley?" asked Babs. "Yeah, we heard about your crash landing outside, but we've never seen you before." said Plucky. I sighed. Might as well go with it. "Would you believe I'm from the real world?" Blank stares for several seconds. "Come again?" said Hampton "I'm not....supposed to be a raccoon. I'm a human from the real world. And before you ask, yes I know how I got here. Some kind of wormhole opened up in my room and I ended up here." Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Calamity Coyote take out a note pad and jot somethings down. "So like, where do you come from?" asked Shirley "I never had a permanent home. I lived with my dad who's a Marine Corps sergeant and----oh no, dad! I put my face in my hands in shock. They all noticed my distress. "What?" asked Plucky "We had this giant argument before I came here. I said things to him I shouldn't have. He must think I hate him now! How could I have said that to him?" "Why were you arguing?" said Buster "He was being transfered again, for the sixth time in five years. I gotta go!" "Where you going?" asked Buster "To find a pen and paper and let him know where I am." "How?" said Plucky "It's not like you can send it." "I don't know, but I gotta let him know somehow." I headed out the door and out of the campus looking for a spot to sit down and write. I found a quite clearing and sat down and tried to think of conjuring up some paper and a writing utensil. I dug down into myself (man, how disgusting does that sound?) and pulled out a paper and pencil. Simply amazing! I started writing and had just finished when a rustle from behind made me turn and a sack was dropped onto me, then blackness as I lost consciousness. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the cafateria Calamity hands Buster his notebook. "What? But that's not possible!" Calamity firmly shook his head yes. "What?" asked Plucky "It seems Calamity knows how Riley got here. Some kind of interdimension device pulled him over to our side." "But who would be able to make such a thing?" asked Babs "Perfecto Prep!" they said in unison. "Roddy and Ruby must be looking for a way to capture him by now." said Hampton "Buster! Buster!" Sweetie frantically flew into the room towards the group. Furrball, sitting at another table took the opportunity to jump and grab her. Sweetie immediatly took out a mallet and smashed Furrball on the head. "Not now fleabag, this is important!" "What's wrong Sweetie?" said Buster "I just saw that Riley kid get napped by Roderick and Rhubella! They're headed for Perfecto!" "I need volunteers to go rescue him!" said Buster. "Count me in, always." said Babs. "Oui, count me in as well." said Fifi. "Since when do you have to ask?" said Plucky A mini-tornado buzzed up and Dizzy Devil stopped in front of Buster. "Dizzy go! Dizzy whack Perfecto's!" "You do realize Professor Bugs will have a fit for you skipping school." said Hampton "Explain it to him for me." said Buster "This is a rescue mission. Come on!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Consciousness swam back to me. I found I was held down and spread-eagled to a table. I looked up and saw two toon rats and a human. "I know you!" I said "Roderick and Rhubella Rat and Professor Gene Splicer!" "He knows us, Roddy." said Rhubella "I'm flattered." "You prbably want to know how you got here." said Gene "I sent for you with this device." He points to a futuristic device standing on a dolly. "YOU dragged me here?!" For some reason I got furious, and hauked and spat into Splicer's face. He wiped it off. "It was their idea to bring you here." said Splicer "They wanted to see how you humans tick." "And what about my transformation?" "Mmm, consider it a bonus." he said "If I ever get out of here I'll thrash the lot of ya! My dad's a Marine Corps sergeant and he taught me how to defend myself! Let me go!" "Oohh!" said Roderick in mock horror "I'm soooo scared!" They both guffawed at me. Their laughing ended abrutly when the doors to the room burst open and there standing in bright light, so help me, were the figures of Buster, Babs, Plucky and Fifi. Buster struck a dramatic pose. "Look upon the faces of your superiors Perfecto's!" *whistle*"Where'd you learn to be so dramatic?" asked Plucky "Something I always wanted to do." he said with smirk Roderick meanwhile was fuming. "Sup--! SUPERIORS?!" he shouted. He turned beat red and steam came out of his ears. In spite of myself I laughed at the spectacle. Buster and Babs moved aside to show Dizzy Devil, salivating and ready to go. Both the Rats and Splicer visibly blanched. "All your's Dizzy." said Buster. Dizzy went spinning and started to chase them, screaming all the way. Buster and Plucky undid the straps holding me down. "You okay?" said Buster "Never better." An ear piercing scream shook the room. Dizzy had in his whirlwind, Roderick and Rhubella. They tried repeatedly to get out but were pulled back in. "Eewww, gross!" moaned Babs. "Ay, yi, yi! And I thought the Road Rovers' Muzzle was bad." I said "Who do you think taught Muzzle?" said Buster. "I'm gonna be sick." said Plucky "Oui, me ahs well." said Fifi. I tore my eyes away and went to Splicer's device, who was by now also being thrashed by Dizzy. "Is this it?" said Buster "Splicer said so." "Then let's get rid of it." said Plucky. "Not yet. There's something I want to do. Now how do you turn this hunk of junk on?" "The 'on' button?" said Babs pointing to the very button. "Ah yes, toon logic." I said dryly and pressed the button. The wormhole appeared again and opened in the wall. I went to it and could see figures on the other side! "Dad! Dad can you hear me?!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Riley's room. Sergeant Stone plus a couple MP's and private are going over the room. "Are you positive that happened?" said an MP "Look, I don't go around making stories like that up!" A whine went through the room and the wormhole appeared again. "Dad! Dad can you hear me?!" "Riley! Is that you?!" Sergeant Eric Stone, Marine Corps verteran for 18 years, gasped at the toon Raccoon that spoke in Riley's voice. "Here dad, catch!" He threw a folded piece of paper like a frisbee and Eric caught it. He looked back up at the toon. "I love you dad! Never forget that!" The toon pumped his fist into the air. "SEMPER FI!" "SEMPER FI!" they all shouted, and the wormhole collapsed again. Eric fell to his knees in barely contained anguish. "Well, what's it say?" said the private. Eric opened the piece of paper and started reading. "Dear Dad, I apologize for everything I've said. Always know that I love you. I have been given my dream and am not coming back. Stay strong for me. Semper Fi! Love Riley." Through his tears Eric managed to smile at the spot where the wormhole was. "God speed my son." "I'm not sure how were going to write this in the books." said an MP. "An interesting read, to be sure." said the other --------------------------------------------------------------------- Buster and Plucky looked at me in amazement, Babs and Fifi near tears. "That is so touching!" said Babs. "Oui, I zhink I may cry." said Fifi. "He's a jarhead, but I love him anyway." I said A scream headed our way made us turn. We barely had time to get out of the way as Roderick slammed into the device and the dolly it was sitting on started to roll; the wormhole opening again. Splicer, in a heap in the corner, noticed and got up and ran for it. "No! That gizmo took me months to make, I can't lose it!" The machine went through it's own wormhole and Splicer went after it. A ran at full speed after them both. "SPLICEEEERRRRRR!!!" "After them, guys!" shouted Buster "Before it closes!" I ended up in some remote area, a large canyon ahead. I was aware of the other Toonsters coming through, but I concentrated on Splicer. "It's gonna blow!" shouted Splicer "I gotta stop it!" The device went over, as did Splicer. I screached to a halt at the lip of the canyon and watched them go. Sometime on it's way down it blew up, and a fireball raced up. Buster and the others were headed my way, so I turned back to them and ran. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" Buster covered Babs, Plucky hid behind a rock and I covered Fifi as the explosion came up and out of the canyon. Silence, followed by a long scream that abruptly ended a few yards away. We got up and saw it was Splicer, looking rather charred. Out of nowhere a barred cage fell onto him and Gogo Dodo landed on top of the cage. "Whooooo! If that wasn't spectacular, then I'm Cuck-coo!" "Where are we anyway?" I asked Buster. "The back entrance of Wackyland." said Buster. "By zhe way Riley, zhank you for protecting me from zhe blast." said Fifi and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Always glad to help a lady." I said, a little embarresed. Splicer came to his senses and noticed the cage he was in. "Hey, let me out of here! Riley, I know we can work something out. Gimme a few months and a lab, I can send you home! Don't leave me with this nut!" He pointed toward Gogo. "That's MISTER Nut to you!" said Gogo "WhooooOOOOoooo!!" The others chuckled as I knelt down beside the cage. "You know Gene, I should be upset with you. But I'm not. I'm almost grateful you brought me here." "What?" said Plucky "Your not going to thank him are you?" "Thank HIM?" I said "Not a chance. But he did give me my number one dream. So I'll go easy on you." "Oh, thank you!" said Splicer. "Gogo, boot him over the horizon." I stepped back as Gogo did an exagerated salute and reared a foot back while Splicer's eyes widened. "No! No please! We can work something out! Riley please! NO!" Gogo's foot connected and the cage went sailing. "NOOOOOOoooooooo......" "Much abliged Gogo." I said. "Call me anytime, just don't call me. Cuck-coo!" He literally opened a hole in the air and stepped through. I turned to the others. "So, how do we get back?" "That way." said Buster pointing towards the canyon. I stepped up to it and looked over. "We gotta cross THIS?!" I said. "What are you worried about?" said Plucky. "Falling." I said. "All you have to do is walk and you'll be fine." said Babs "Rule number one is don't look down." They started to walk across, on thin air no less! They soon disappeared into a fog and I was left alone. "Come on Riley!" came Buster "You can do it! Remember Professor Fudd's class this morning? Think of this as your first test as a toon." "My butt hurts just thinking about it!" I shot back. "You can do it Riley!" came Plucky. "Oui, I know you can do it Riley!" came Fifi. "Yeah, let's go Marine! Hup to it!" came Babs in a General Patton imitation. The Marines. That snapped some courage into me. I decided to recite an old camp cadance my dad used on hikes and new recruits and started walking, looking up the whole time. "Born in the woods/trained by a bear/double set of dog teeth/triple coat of hair/M- Mean as hell/A-All the time/R-Rough and tough/I-In the mud/N-Never quit/E-Every day/S-SEMPER FIIIII!!!!!!!" At that point I was running for dear life. Ground came up to meet me and rolled into it and came to a stop in a heap. I looked up and saw all four of them clapping. "Congradulations Riley, you passed!" said Buster. "Ooh, I have never been so scared since I did the rope course at summer camp!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Acme Looniversity. Bugs was, as Hampton predicted, upset with the lot of us for skipping school. Buster, as always, smoothly talked our way for us. Finally he ended his story and Bugs got up from his seat, came around his desk and sat on the edge, arms folded. Oh great, just what I always wanted; to be chewed out by Bugs Bunny. Instead his features softened and he clapped! "I'm proud 'a yew Riley." he said a moment later "Yew sho'ed morh curage than any of our newcomers." "Well, having a soldier for a parent does---" "I'm not finished!" I snapped shut my mouth "Welcome ta Acme Looniversity Riley Raccoon, I tink you'll fit in 'ere just fine." He extended his hand and I shook it. "Find yoself a place ta stay and then come back Monday and we'll get you enrolled." "With pleasure sir!" We exited his office. I turned to Buster. "You are one smooth talker." I said "Eh, twernt nuttin." "Nothing my tail feathers." said Plucky "Even I'm impressed. Welcome aboard Riley." "Yeah, say goodbye to you sanity." said Babs, who giggled. "I think I'm gonna like it here." I said. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 months later, I'm living in the woods inside an old redwood tree. It being a toon tree, it's bigger on the inside. I've made a nice little life for myself. And I'm getting better at being a toon. Everything I have I got from conjuring up stuff from myself, and I don't find it disturbing anymore. And whats playing on TV right now is pure Warner Bros' gold. *Duck seaon.* *Wabbit season!* *Duck season.* *Wabbit season!* *Wabbit season.* *Duck season, FIRE!* (BLAM) I burst out laughing at such a classic scene in Warner history. Just then Buster comes up the rope to the entrance of my home. "Hey Buster, have a seat! They're showing the absolute classics today." I said, still chuckling. "You up for some fun?" said Buster "What'd you have in mind?" I asked, already knowing what was going to happen. "Monty is up to it again. What say we join the others and deflate his ego." "Again? Pete just finished scraping him off the wall after I was through with him." "He never learns, you know. And uh, try to go easy on him this time hmm?" "Easy? Elmyra I was easy on. This is Monty we're talking about." "Good point. Let's go!" I grinned and cracked my knuckles. "Let's get it on!" The End