Orpheus and Eurydice A myth retold by Caeser Salad (elpescado@hotmail.com) Characters- Voice Over (Zeus [ZOOS]) Buster Bunny (Orpheus [OR-fee-us]) Babs Bunny (Eurydice [you-RID-iss-ee) Newt/Buttons/Runt (Cerebus [SARE-uh-bus]) Mystery Toon (Pluto [you-can-SAY-this) (Blank Screen) Zeus- (Voice is deep and thundering, as befitting the ancient King of Gods) Welcome mortals. You have no doubt come to hear a tale of high adventure in ancient Greece? Or perhaps a love story, one of undying devotion. Yes, I think that would be proper. I will tell the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice. (Shot of open plain in Greece, with gently rolling hills, dotted with trees and structures resembling the Parthenon.) Zeus- Once there was a young man named Orpheus. (Buster drops from the sky into the scene. He falls heavily to the ground, and pulls himself up, looking slightly dazed.) Zeus- Orpheus, why aren't you in costume? (Buster, still in his red T-shirt, looks up angrily) Buster- Oh, like I had time to change! (To himself) Oh well, when in Rome... Zeus- Greece. Buster- Whatever. (He zips off to stage left and returns in a Greek tunic.) Buster- Now, where are the mythical monsters to battle? (He takes up a boxing stance, jabbing in the air.) What fair maidens are in distress? Zeus- To continue, Orpheus was a great bard, a player of fine music. Buster- Okay, where's my instrument? (A lyre drops from the sky onto his head with a hollow thud. Rubbing his head, Buster picks up the stringed instrument.) Buster- (annoyed) What's this supposed to be? Zeus- It's a lyre. An ancient Greek stringed instument that all the great bards played. Buster- (taps his foot) Like who? Zeus- Yes, well...ummm... Buster- That's what I thought. I'm not playing some reject frome an ancient string quartet. Ya got an electric bass up there, by any chance? (Lightning flashes down and strikes the ground directly between Buster's feet) Buster- (tugging at his tunic collar) Heh heh... there's really no need to go splitting hares. (rimshot) I just want a different instrument, is that so hard? Zeus- How about a piano, rabbit? (A large shadow forms over Buster's personage) Buster- (waving hands emphatically) Nonononononononononononono! I mean, can't we compromise? Zeus- Alright then. (A small object falls out of the sky and--onto Buster's head) Buster- Would ya cut that out! (He picks up the object) Buster- What's this, a kazoo? You want me to play a KAZOO? (The large shadow envelops him again) Buster- Okay, okay. The kazoo. (He sits down, chin in hands) Zeus- Now that that's settled-- Orpheus was a great Bard, and it was this that won him the love of the beautiful Eurydice. (Babs walks nonchalantly onto the screen filing her nails. She is also wearing a tunic, except in ends in a dress. Buster continues to sit and pout.) Zeus- One day, while they were cavorting in the fields... (Buster continues to sit; Babs still files her nails) Zeus- (angrily) I said... one day while they were CAVORTING in the fields... (Buster and Babs leap up and skip in a small circle) Buster and Babs- Cavort! Cavort! Cavort! Cavort! Zeus- Don't get smart with me. (calmer) Eurydice was bitten by a serpent and died. Babs- What?!? (A snake, very big, latches its mouth over her head) Babs- (muffled, since her head is in the snakes mouth) My agent'll hear about this. (She is dragged off screen) Zeus- Orpheus was stricken with grief, but he vowed to go to Hades and retrieve her. Buster- I vow to go to Hades and retrieve her. (He sets off toward stage right) Zeus- While Orpheus made his trek to the gates of the underworld, (zip pan to Babs in Hades: a cave setting. She is playing solitare- and we see her look at a card and put it back under the deck[cheater!]) Eurydice bided her time. (A hooded figure in a black robe enters the scene and Babs stands up) Babs- Well hello short, dark, and gruesome. Who are you, and is there any way of getting out of here? Pluto- I am PWUTO, and you can never weave Hades! HA HA HA HA HA! (He seems to swell in size, until he fills up most of the screen. Babs shrinks back in fear.) Zeus- Meanwhile, Orpheus had reached the mountain that held the gates of the Underworld, and he was busy... (Buster is actually asleep against a tree. A large human hand reaches down form above and flicks his head) Buster- (after his head stops shaking rapidly) I'm up, I'm up! Zeus- ...was BUSY trying to find a way in. Buster- A way in, a way in, gotta find a way in... (He spies a cave, then cranes his neck up, looking high into the sky) Buster- I wonder if that's the way in. (There is a large sign shaped like an arrow that, of course, reads "THE WAY IN") Buster- That gag's older than this story! Zeus- But little did Orphues know, it was not so easy to get into the Underworld. At the gate stood a guard. Buster- Huh? (From inside the cave, six evil eyes open. Buster gulps, and takes a few steps back) Zeus- Yes, Orpheus had to face Cerebus, the three-headed dog from Hades! (The eyes move out from the cave into the light. Cerebus has a basic dog body, although much larger. He also has three very, VERY familiar heads. They are, from left to right: Runt, Buttons, and Newt) Buster- (relieved) Oh, it's just you guys. What are you doing here? Newthead- A guest appearance. Right, Buttons? Buttonshead- (in agreement) Ruff! Runthead- Yeah, a cameo. Definitely a cameo. Buster- Ain't that getup a little, uhh... uncomfortable? Newthead- Yeah, it's hot and itchy, but whatcha gonna do? Buster- That's too bad. Well, thanks for stopping by to chat, but I got a pink rabbit to rescue. Newthead- Oh no, you can't pass. We're supposed to guard this cave. (The Newt and Buttons heads lower and growl meanacingly, but Runthead has a happy carefree look about him) Buster- Ah come on guys. (He takes a step foward and the Buttonshead sanps at him) Buster- Jeez! Maybe you want bigger part? (They continue to growl) Buster- All right, that's it! Now you've forced me to use, this! (He pulls out the kazoo and holds high above his head in a King Arthur/Excaliber-esque manner) Newthead- (sarcastically) Oh, are you going to play us a sweet serenade? A little song? Runthead- Oh, I like songs. Yeah. Buster- Do you now? You love this. A one, and a two, and a three... (He puts the kazoo to his nouth and begins to play: "How Much is That Doggy in the Window?") Newthead- You going to hurt us with a children's song? It's laughable! Ah ha, ha, ha, ha! (Both Newt and Buttons head laugh histerically, but a strange transformation has over come our dear Runthead. He begins rocking his head back and forth, in time to the music) Runthead- (singing) Hooooooooow much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaggily taaaaaaaaaail? (On every beat, his head kocks into Buttonshead, who yelps then crashes into Newthead) Newthead- Stop it you-OUCH! You, you-OUCH! You meathead! OUCH! (Buster continues to play, and Runthead continues his little song and dance number. In a matter of seconds, both Newt and Buttons are unconcious. Finally, Buster stops playing the kazoo) Runthead- Oh, I love that song. Definitely love it. (He looks at the other heads) Oh they're tired. Yeah, dog tired. (Runthead nestles down and falls asleep) Zeus- Having overcome the TERRIBLE Cerebus, Orpheus began his descent into the Underworld, where... Buster- Where he faced many harrowing traps and monsters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get through with this picture? I got a commercial shoot for Weeny Burger at 5:00! Zeus- Well, alright. (Zip pan to Pluto's chamber, where the hooded Pluto sits upon his huge rock throne. Buster is standing in front of him) Buster- (Points at Pluto) Okay, budinsky. Just who do you think you are? Pluto- (Dramatically) I...AM...(he throws back the hood revealing the bald head of Elmer Fudd, and then continues in is normal voice) Pwuto. Buster- Huh? Pluto[Elmer]- You were expecting a Disney cawecter? Babs- (from off screen) Ya knew that joke was coming. Buster- (rushes to her side and speaks very melodramatically) Oh my dearest Eurydice, are you injured? (Babs actually looks faintly ill at his horrible acting. Buster rounds on Pluto) Let her go, you... you...you fiend! Pluto[Elmer]- Awright. Go on. Weave. Buster & Babs- Heh? Pluto[Elmer]- (confidentially to Buster) That wabbit's been annoying me aww day. Pwacticing her Shakespeawe. Babs- (grinning devilishly) I'd hoped you enjoyed it. Pluto[Elmer]- But you may onwy weave on one condition: you must not wook back on your way out! Babs- Why not? Pluto[Elmer]- (holds up his hands) I'm just advancing the pwot. Buster- Can do. Babs- (Waves energetically) Bye-ee! Zeus- Orpheus and Eurydice began their long trek up from the bowels of the earth. At last they saw sunlight streaming down upon them. Buster- Home free! Babs- I'm just glad you didn't look back. Buster- (turns to face her) What'd you say? Babs- (slaps her forehead) Men! (she disappears) Buster- (overacting again) Oh! My one and only love, gone forever! How will I survive? How can I go on? (He drops to his knees, puts his hands over his face, and begind sobbing) I just can't live without her! (He sobs again, the snaps out of it) Oh well, Life goes on. Maybe I'll give Helen of Troy a ring, see what she's doing tonight. Babs- (voice over) WHAT?!? (She appears it front of him, seething mad) If I have to suffer down here, you're coming too! (She grabs him by the ears and drags him down the passageway) Buster- I guess Hades won't be so bad. I hear they got free cable. Zeus- And thus ends the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice. THE END Hoped you liked my little retelling. I just wanted to try something that no one else had ever tried before. I tried to keep the feel of the cartoon, and I think this would be a great episode. Thanks goes out to Zucccini for the idea about Cerebus being Newt, Runt, and Buttons. Go to http://www.yerf.com/michbroo/index.htm to see some of her extra-good artwork. The little pic that inspired me is cerberus.jpg It would be nice if there were artwork to go with the story, but there ain't. Why? Because I can't draw. What about you? Feel artistically inclined? Go ahead, draw an illustration for this story. I just might be forever grateful. Caeser Salad "Et tu, Crouton?"