Fifi LaFume: Private Eye -by Brooke "Zuzu" Michelle Zucccini@aol.com Okay, that's the worst title I could think of. This story is actually a sequel to SINCERELY YOURS, OLIVER, a story about Fifi meeting her pen pal, who turns out to be a handsome male otter. To help her out, Oliver sets her up on dates with some suitors, but they don't work out. Fifi decides, while looking through his personal notes, that he was really her only true love. When she confesses to him, they kiss long and passionately, only to be torn apart by Plucky. The next morning, Oliver leaves a note for Fifi saying things wouldn't work out and that he'd left for home. In this story, we find out why he left her in the first place. This story was written by a lazy writer. If you could make this better, please do so! And I hate writing sappy romances. . . Tiny Toons characters created by Warner Bros./ Amblin entertainment. All other characters are (c) me. Feel free to use 'em in a story, i really don't give a rat's patoot. (This is based on a true story. . . sort of.) ______________________________________________________________________ Fifi sighed. She had been staring out her window for almost fifteen minutes waiting for the mailman to come. "He is late," she murmured. She suddenly perked her ears up as she heard his old mail-mobil, as she called it, roll closer to her mailbox. But, as he got nearer to the junkyard curb, he sped up and continued to drive down the road. "And again, no mail por moi." Fifi slumped down into a pillow, letting out another sigh. Shirley put her hand on her friend's shoulder as she tried to comfort Fifi. "Like, cheer up, Feef. I'm sure Victoria's Secret will be in the mail tomorrow." Fifi glanced up and made a pouty face. "Do you not have a psychic reading to go to or somezing?" "I was just trying to make you smile, er some junk. I know you don't wear undergarments!" Fifi gasped a little and clutched her body as if to hide her nuditiy. "No, like, that's not what I-- oh, whatever." "Oliver always sends his letter in. He has never been zis late in replying." Shirley smiled as she realized what was eating Fifi. She had spent the night over with Fifi and since the day before, Fifi just moped around, completely ignoring the presence of the loon. "Don't worry! I'm sure he'll send you a totally cosmic letter! Just show a little patients and I'm totally sure it'll come!" "Are vous sure?" Fifi jumped a bit as there came a knock at the door. "Fer sure!" Fifi smiled as she went to the door. But when she opened it, instead of seeing the mailman with the letter and an appology for being so late, she saw a little brown coyote dressed in a messenger's suit and cap. He straightened his bow tie and presented a small envelope to the purple skunk. "Telegram for Fifi LaFume." Fifi turned to Shirley, who gave her a reassuring wink. She grabbed the telegram and skipped merrily to her couch. "It is from LA!" she exclaimed, ripping the envelope open. Shirley watched with enthusiasm, but she soon lost her excitement. Fifi had frozen with teary eyes and quivering hands. "Fifi? Like, what's wrong? It's from Ollie, right?" Fifi barely nodded. "You should be happy, right? I mean true, Western Union isn't how I'd send a letter--" "He is dead." Shirley froze. "What?" "This is not directly from Oliver. It is from his roommate saying Oliver died from a shark bite." Shirley grabbed the telegram from Fifi as the skunk silently sobbed. How could this be? He was with them just a few months ago! "We're going to Los Angelas," declared Shirley. Fifi lifted up her head. "What?" "You heard me! Something is totally wrong. I'm picking up some mondo suspiscious vibes here and I think he's alive." Fifi began to laugh. She laughed as if it was the only thing she could do. "Vous are ze mad-loon!" "Well, we can at least go to his funeral, right?" No sooner had she said this when Shirley raced out the door. Fifi shrugged and clutched the letter. "Normally, I would be ze frantic one in ze matter of love." The two girls had already begun their journey to LA when Shirley suddenly froze. "Like, okay Plucky. I know you're there." Fifi turned around and saw Plucky poke his feathered head out from hiding. He grinned sheepishly as he slid completely into view. "Now why would a silly green duck want to follow us to ze bus stop?" played Fifi. "Just making sure you and Louise don't do something crazy, Thelma," he replied. Shirley butt in. "Look Plucky! We don't have time to fool around! We have a totally bummer situation at hand." "My sweet little Oliver may be deceased!" sobbed Fifi. Plucky gasped as Shirley handed him the telegram. As he read it, his hands shook. "We're gonna hop a bus and see if we can't find out what the heck is going on," said Shirley, grabbing the note from Plucky's grip. As the girls walked towards the bus stop, Plucky quietly asked, "May I go too?" The ride over was horrible. Plucky puked in his neighbor's lap from car sickness, Fifi sobbed the whole time, and Shirley tried to channel her way into Oliver's mind, but with no success. Finally, the bus haulted and the toons hopped off. Fifi used a map to find their way to the wharf Oliver lived on. "Zere it is. Oliver's house," she said as she walked along the deck. She pointed to an old boat that had Ollie's address on it. Oddly though, there was a "for sale" sign next to it. "Oh great. Did you know he was moving?" Fifi shook her head. "No, I never recieved any word of zis!" Shirley walked up to the boat and knocked on it's door. They waited awhile, but after nobody answered, they began to walk back, heads hanging. Suddenly, they were stopped. "What were you doing around my old house?" Much to their surprise, a dark brown weasle-like animal know as a fisher stopped them. He spoke with a Canadian accent crossed with Californian "valley" talk. He had a curly tuft of golden-orange hair on his head and wore a tight white tee. He had on tight jeans and a gold necklace, and in his right ear was a gold earing. He was very muscular, yet feminine at the same time. "Ahem? Like, what are you doing?" Fifi was the first to speak. "I recieved a terrible telegram saying a friend of mine was dead. I came to see if zis was true or not." "You couldn't have called?" "No number was left." "I see. Who was your friend? I might have known her." "Pardon ay moi. It was a boy. A young otter named Oliver." The fisher stood still for a few minutes. He sneered a little and jumped onto the old boat he claimed was his old house. "Hey, Slinky," said Plucky, referring to the fisher. "That accent of yours, Canadian, right? What are you doing livin' in a broken down boat?" "My name is Noah. Got it? Not Slinky, Noah!" Plucky laughed to himself. "Heh heh, that explains it." Noah stammered inside the boat to leave the three outside. Shirley followed him. "Look, buddy. I sense you're totally hiding something. So spill it before I turn your house boat into a lifesaver!" Noah stood there uneasily looking at the loon. Suddenly, he broke into a teary fit. "Okay! I'll speak! I'll tell you where he is! Just don't hurt me, please!" Plucky leaned into Fifi and whispered, "What a weenie!" Noah continued. "Oliver isn't dead! He's at a hospital! I sent you that telegram saying he was dead because I didn't think he was going to make it through the next few days! He's not doing much better, though, so it would be pointless to help him." Fifi walked up to the fisher and fluttered her lashes. "Please, Noah! All I want to do is see him! We have been very close friends for seven long years, and I vould like to see him one last time before he passes on." Her feminine act seemed to have no effect on him, but one look from Shirley certainly did. He whiped a bead of sweat from his brow and showed them to his car. "You can drive?" asked Plucky, as they hopped into his Corvette. "Sure? Can't you?" he asked. The three shook their heads and he laughed a little. "Figures." It was a very long drive to San Fransisco. Noah had explained along the way that he and Ollie were going to be moving there, which is why the boat was for sale. "Oliver had been searching for a house when a car hit him." Fifi looked confused. "But I thought vous said he was bitten by les shark?" "Did I? Hmm, what was I thinking? He was hit by a car along Fisherman's Wharf." The Marine Hospital For Wildlife was where Ollie was being treated, and the toons marveled at it's beautiful architecture. The building was huge and along the coastline. Several sea lions, dolphins, seals, and even sharks were being helped there. "If you don't mind me askin', Bub," Plucky began, as they walked along the many hallways of the hospital. "If you're Ollie's roommate, how come he never told us about you?" "Ah, here we are!" said Noah, as he came to a door marked "OTTERS". Ignoring Plucky's question, he asked which one of the three was Fifi. "I am, silly fisher," said Fifi, slightly upset that he hadn't noticed already. "Oh, 'scuse me, my roomy never really said what you look like." Fifi wondered why Ollie had never really talked about her to Noah, but then again, she never told any of her friends about Ollie until he came to visit. She began walking into the room when Noah grabbed her tail and pulled her back out. "Sorry, girlfriend. No admittance. Visiting hours are way past over." "Then, like, why did you even bother bringing us here!" fumed Shirley. "Maybe if you hadn't been so _pushy_, I could have told you he couldn't see anyone!" Shirley sank down into her shoulders as Plucky told her "Way to go, Loon girl." Fifi looked desperately into the room. Oh! She wanted to see her precious otter so badly! A nurse walked by and Fifi stopped her. "Excuse ay' moi, Madame Nurse. Could you please inform me as to when ze visiting hours are?" Noah turned his head away and began coughing loudly. The nurse told him he should see a doctor. She directed him into a room down the hall, leaving the three toons by the OTTERS door. "Sheesh, what a wild goose chase! I'm gettin' outta this joint," complained Plucky as he turned to leave. Shirley turned to Fifi. "C'mon, toots. Let's beat it before the sun goes down. It's already eight o' five. We'll never find a hotel room unless we get going, er some junk." But Fifi grabbed a nearby chair, pulled it up next to the door, and sat down. "I think I shall just wait here, oui?" Her friend was about to tell her otherwise, but she decided she shouldn't. Shirley patted Fifi's shoulder and went to catch up with Plucky. As the two disappeared into an elevator, Noah came up to the sunken skunk. "So, um, like, uh, what are you doing?" "Is it not so obvious? I am waiting for ze visit--" "Oh, c'mon, Bibi! Don't waste your time in a hospital! Go with your friends, uh, wherever they are." "First of all, mon name is Fifi. Secondly, zey went to go find a place to stay for ze night. And finally, I do not like you one bit. Whenever I am around you, I get a very different feeling-- not at all pleasant! And I shall prefer to stay here all night if I have to, but I will not walk away from my Oliver!" Noah made a sort of "Oooh, I'm scared!" expression and then took out a sucker and put it in his mouth. He sneered and as he walked away he repeated something Fifi said. "My Oliver, indeed. . ." "Make up your mind, Shirl!" shouted Plucky. "Where do you want to stay?" "Well," she thought. "I like the service in Hollowday Inn, but I totally dig the sign at the Dew Drop Inn!" "Oh, good grief! Make up your mind!" "Hey! How about the Waterfowl Hotel! Accommodates to all our feathered needs!" "Fine, fine, fine, just as long as it's cheap." The two walked up to the front desk in the Waterfowl Hotel and rang in. A flamingo with a bow tie on sprung up and answered "Yaaaaaaaaayes?" "Uh, we'd like a room, my good man. Only the best for me and my lady!" ordered Plucky. Shirley slapped him upside the bill when he tried to kiss her. "That'll be two hundred dollars a night." Plucky's jaw dropped. "Heh heh! Did I say the best? Silly me! I meant, uh, the third best! Yes, only the third best for my woman and I!" As Plucky recieved another slap, the flamingo looked through his registration book. "Weeeeeell, sir, it appears you do not have a reservaaaaaation. But, lucky for yoooooou, we do have a room or two avaaaaaailable." "We'll take it! And could ya snap it up there, Pinky? We're really tired and--" "That'll be eighty bucks a night, _Mr. Duck_," replied the flamingo, shutting the book as he said this. "Eighty bucks! That's highway robbery! That's-!" "Take it, or leave it?" Shirley looked at Plucky menacingly. "Two rooms, Plucky. I'm not sharing!" "Fine! Make it a suite, Tango. Chop chop! We're tuckered out!" "Noticeably. Here you go." Plucky and Shirley grabbed the keys and went to the elevator. "What a pushy receptionist!" muttered Plucky. "If everybody had an ocean, across de USA," sang Fifi quietly to herself. "Zen everybody vould be surfing, ze-" "May I help you, Miss?" asked a doctor as he walked by the sleepless skunk. Fifi looked up with a pale face and bloodshot eyes. "I am just waiting for visitors hours. Can you please tell me when zey are?" The doctor looked at his watch. It was almost eleven. He sighed and asked her how long she'd been waiting. When she told him since eight o'clock, he began to laugh. "Well, this friend of yours must be special! Family?" Hmmm. Family? That may be the only way she'd get to see him. "Oiu, er, yeah, dude. Um, I'm his, uh, fiance. Totally, and stuff." The doctor nodded and said she could go in. "But please don't use that cheap California beach accent. I hear it night and day!" As the two walked in, Fifi saw a lot of tanks. It was a very big room, and there were many tanks. The doctor asked who she was looking for. "Oliver C. Otter," she replied. She looked into a tank and saw a pup swim up to her. He giggled and she waved to him. "Poor little guy was abandoned. We found him in the kelp beds all alone," sighed the doctor. "But, Miss, or soon to be Mrs. Otter, I should say, I'm afraid I don't see any Olivers on the list." Fifi looked into another tank that had two otters, both with broken legs, trying to learn to swim again. "Zere must be some mistake! He has to be here!" The doctor smiled and led her to some tanks in the back. "These are unidentified otters. Sometimes when one gets put here, they're unable to tell us their names, or we just have no way of identifying them. Usually they got hit by a boat or--" "Car?" she asked. "No, but sometimes-" "Shark bite?" "Occasionally, but none today. Now why don't you see if any of these fellas are yours." Fifi looked in each tank carefully, but none of them were Oliver. She thanked the doctor and began leaving. "Wait, ma'am," stopped the doctor, looking at his list. "Oliver, was it?" She nodded and rushed back into the room. "Oh boy. Yeah, we had him in two weeks ago. He'd suffered from drug overdose." "Drugs?" "Real healthy fellow. But he had a cold and the doctor he had gave him the wrong prescription and he had a drug overdose." "Is he doing better? Where is he?" "He's recovered from that," he began. "But I think you better come with me." The doctor took Fifi out of the OTTERS room and into his office. When he shut the door, he let out a huge sigh. "Ma'am, your fiance had a blood sample taken when--" "Dr.Wolf. . . paging Dr.Wolf," called a nurse over the intercom. "You're needed in Room 124, second floor, Dr.Wolf." The doctor put his head in his hands as he mumbled to himself. "I'm sorry, er-" "Fifi." "-Fifi. This is really urgeant. I hate to keep you waiting, again, but I'd better go." As Dr.Wolf began to leave, he laughed a little. Fifi looked over and he handed her a special admittance pass and a note he quickly scribbled up. He left and she looked at the note. It read :"Go to Room 252. See Oliver, show pass." "I'll beat you to it!" cried Plucky. "Like, no way, Ducky!" shouted back Shirley. The two birds raced down the hallways to the elevators, where they each grabbed one for themselves and raced through floors. When they reached the fifth floor of the hotel, they ran to rooms 205 and 206. But along the way, Plucky tripped on the rug and fell flat on his bill, leaving Shirley triumphant. "Sorry, Duck! Looks like the loon scores!" "Eh, I let you win," he mumbled. Laughing to herself, Shirley unlocked the door and opened it to find a crummy hotel room made for honeymooners with either poor income or poorer tastes. "Gag! What a slimey, sleezey lookin' room, fer sure!" Through the suite door, Plucky busted in. "Nice digs, aye Shirl?" "Whatever." Plucky slicked back his feathers with his hand and advanced on Shirley. "Ah, but the most beautiful decor of the room is not a lamp, a bed, or cloth." Shirley swooned. "Wow, Plucky! That's actually sweet!" "I add a nice touch to the room, don't I, though?" Z-A-P! Plucky ran back into his room with a crispy tail between his legs. Shirley smiled and sat on her heart shaped bed. Much to her surprise, she began floating around. She was being tossed back and forth on a cheap waterbed! "If this bummer ride doesn't stop soon, I'm not the only thing that'll get tossed!" At the sound for help, Plucky peeked back in and saw the loon of his dreams being tossed around like an old ball. In his own little heroic manor, Plucky jumped to the rescue- - literally. He landed on the bed causing them both to be thrown back and forth. "Good job, Plucky!" complained Shirley. "Look at it this way, Shirl," bounced Plucky. "At least now we can enjoy all the thrills of Happy World Land in the privacy of our own hotel room." "249, 250, 251. . ." counted Fifi. "Ah! Room 252!" With the note Dr.Wolf had handed her, Fifi had gone to the room that supposedly held Ollie. "I do hope mon precious pepperoni du passion is here." As she opened the door, a nurse that could stop a truck jumped in front of her. "Nobody is allowed in! So turn your sweet little powder puff hiney around and scooch down the hall and outta this-- is that a pass?" Fifi stopped quivering at the surprisingly calm remark. "Oiu, Dr.Wolf told me to come down here and show vous zis pass." The nurse studied it carefully and then moved aside. "Well, than, if, Dr.Wolf said you could enter, don't let Big Bertha stop ya. I guess I'm just here as a welcome doormat. 'Ignore all health rules, enter at will. Let's all visit the sick lunatics that haven't learned what safe'--" The nurse saw Fifi shaking like mad. "Well, sweety. You'd better go in now. I believe the one you're looking for is at the far end. In bed. A place he knows very well!" As Fifi walked in, Big Bertha continued to rant outside. "What a tres loco nurse! Si nes pas! I sound like Speedy Gonzales!" She laughed as she walked to the end of the room. But she caesed all laughter when she got to the last bed. She gasped and dropped her pass, rushed up to the head of the bed, and silently cried. It was Oliver. "Oliver! What happened!" she cried. He didn't answer. "Hey, sister! Could you keep it down?" came a voice from the bed next to Ollie's. Fifi ignored him. "Oliver! Can you not here me?" "Hey, Frenchy! If you don't get quiet, I'm gonna bite you so hard, they're gonna need to send you to the blood bank for a withdrawl!" "Leon. . . prozac. . ." said a girl in the next bed. "Shuddup, Ginger! I need my pills, not a guilt trip!" "You also need a conscience, for that!" "Don't start with me!" "I never did! You just started hollaring like the maniac you are about nothing at all! As usual, you made up things!" "Eh. . ." "Oh, 'nyah' yourself!" "Say that one more time and I'll--" "You'll what?" "QUIET!!!!" roared Fifi. The two animals stopped quarreling and hid under their bed sheets. Fifi turned back to Ollie and sighed. She reached over and grabbed his paw, holding it in hers. "Eh, a friend of his?" asked Leon to Fifi. "No, it's the guy that tried to kill her brother, OF COURSE IT'S A FRIEND!" squawked Ginger. Fifi sighed. "Oiu, mon best friend. It was a long-distant relationship, but we were very close." "Yeah, well I'm sorry about what happened," spoke up Leon. "We truly are. It must hurt to lose a friend because of violent assaults from a gangster." Fifi reached over and pulled the curtin away. There, in two seperate beds, were a sea lion and sea gull. She noticed the gull, Ginger, whom was all wrapped up in a little box on her bed, was missing a foot. "Madame Gull, eh, Ginger, was it? Oiu, uh, what happened to your foot?" The sea gull looked down and sighed. "Oh, well, let's just say you shouldn't test the patients of a really big shark." "Ginger," nudged Leon. "Okay, okay, so it was a big hairy dog." Leon cleared his throat. "A big dog with a shell?" "Alright! So a turtle bit it off!" exclaimed the bird. "So sue me." Everyone went silent as they heard a soft gurgle from Ollie's bed. "What is wrong with him?" asked Fifi. "He's been in a coma for the past three weeks. Nearly beaten to death, ya know." Fifi caught her breath. "He was what?" Leon mumbled something under his breath as Ginger spoke. "You hadn't heard?" When Fifi shook her head, the bird let out a huge sigh. "Well, darling, it's true. Your little stud muffin here was found lying beside the beach. He looked aweful! Doctors said he was beaten with a large blunt object." "Yeah," interrupted Leon. "We think it was by some gang of kids that either knew him or just mugged him." "No, no!" squawked Ginger. "Remember? Nothing was stolen, only his I.D was missing." "And his decency! He was found without any clothes on and with cuts all over. He was soaking wet and everything!" "That was the oddest thing about it. Who beats someone and leaves them naked all alone?" "Do the words 'good samaritan' mean anything to you?" asked Leon. Ginger gave a "hrumph" and turned away. Fifi softly began to cry. Her precious Oliver had been attacked and left helpless! And the worst part about it was that nobody knew why. "Awe, cheer up, sweetheart," comforted Leon. "My name is Cecil Leonardo, but you can call me Leon. C.Leon is what I write on all my checks, anyways." Fifi smiled faintly and turned to her otter. The pinniped continued. "C.Leon? Sea Lion? It's a little, uh, little joke." "Very little," laughed Fifi. The other animals smiled when she said this. Leon growled a little, which got Ginger squawking. Suddenly, he roared out a terrible cry of pain. Ginger began cursing and pecking at the assistance button. "Leon's side! His side is going out again!" Leon began thrashing about as if he was being caught in a net or something. He growled and foamed, and threw himself right off the bed! Fifi was in such shock she couldn't do anything but clutch Oliver. "Leon stop! Leon, calm down! You're scaring the girl!" commanded Ginger. Fifi gasped. She looked at the sea lions body. He was really a massive animal, with a golden mane, not like a lion's of course, that wrapped around his powerful neck. That's when big Bertha, the two-ton nurse from outside, jumped in with a restraining jacket. "Leon! Stop moving now!" she shouted. She took the huge animal into her arms and held him untill he stopped moving. When she let him go, Fifi saw a tranquilizer in Bertha's giant hands. The nurse looked the mammal over until she found what she was looking for. "Awe, the poor fellow's stitches got loose! I'd better clean these old wounds out, huh?" Fifi marveled at how gently the woman cleaned Leon's cuts. It was disgusting, too. Leon had been caught in a fishing net and was stuck for days in it. He was lucky he got caught at the surface or he would have drowned. Unfortunately, a man on a motor boat was boating in that area when he came up to the sea lion. Not seeing Leon, he accidentally rode over the net, with the motor's blades cutting along Leon's side. The man saw Leon after he'd hurt him, pulled him onto the boat, and rushed him to the aquarium, where he was later brought here. "Looks like I'm gonna have to take the roaring king of fish to get these stitches fixed up," said Bertha as she rolled Leon's bed and him away. She looked back and saw Fifi crying. "Hey, SKUNK! Snap outta it!" With those last words, Bertha left. "Don't let her get to ya," said Ginger to Fifi. "She hauls enough weight around here anyways." :::Back at the hotel::: "Knock, knock? Room service!" knocked a raspy woman's voice. After no reply, the cleaning lady, a fat goose from a Latin American country, walked into Plucky's empty room with her cart wheeling behind her. "Heh, nobody home. I guess I sweep now, yes?" As she got out her vacuum, she began to notice a squashy sound from the next room. "Oh dear. Sometimes I hate this job." "Help!!!" cried Plucky in the next room. "Save us from the lumpy thing!" "It's the water bed!" shouted Shirley. The goose honked and ran out of the room, down the stairs, and to the front desk. When she reached the desk, she rang the bell and honked loudly. The flamingo walked up and asked what was wrong. "Is bad! Very, very bad! Those kids are on da bed and--" "Say no more!" commanded the flamingo. "What will you do, Tobago?" Tobago began marching his way to the room. "I'm gooooooing to help, thhhhhhhat's all!" When he reached the door to Shirley's room, he began banging on it yelling,"Open up, you little hussie!" After hearing only yells and hollers, he opened the door. There he saw Shirley and Plucky bouncing on the waterbed. Tobago gave one of "those" looks to the reader and gave a short, "Hmph." "Like, Mr.Flamingo! I'm so totally glad you're here, er some junk!" "Speaking of junk, we're in a bit of a mess. Could you help us out?" asked Plucky, before he hit the pillow. "I doooooon't care to find out _what_ you were doing, but if I catch you two in the same rooooooooom again, out you both go!" Tobago grabbed Plucky and Shirley both and tossed them off the bed. The two were confused at what the angry flamingo meant, but they agreed to stay in seperate rooms. When Tobago left, Shirley immediately began scolding Plucky. "You have been nothing but trouble since we first got here!" "Well, I _tried_ to help you!" he said. Then he mumbled something offside. "There's just no pleasing some people." Shirley walked over to her bed and slipped under the covers. "I'm going to bed! And if I see you anytime between now and eight AM, I'll scatter your feathers all over beach!" "Does this mean no good night kiss?" Z-A-P-! "Okay, okay!" Plucky squeaked. He turned to open the door to his room, but much to his surprise, the door was locked! "Yipe! I left the key in _my_ room!" He looked over and saw Shirley in sweet slumber. But he knew she wouldn't be that peaceful if he woke her up! "Think, Plucky, think! What are you gonna do?" He thought about going down to the reception area, but he figured Tobago would kick him out for not leaving Shirl's room. He couldn't leave the room, or he'd be locked out of both rooms. There was only one thing to do. He looked at the clock and saw that it read one o' clock. Plucky found a chair and sat down. "Better get comfortable, Pluckster, it's gonna be a long night! And try not to snore, okay?" "So, uh, lemme get this straight, doll," laughed Ginger. "You wanna _investigate_ Oliver's assault?" Fifi patted Ollie's paw. "Oiu. I cannot afford ze real detective. So, Ah am, 'ow do you say, improvising." "That's not what _I_ would call it!" laughed the sea gull. "Well, I zink Ah could do somezing! I knew him better zen anyone else, I may be able to find out who it was!" Ginger rolled her eyes. "I think you're in way over your head." Fifi smiled. She didn't care what it took. She was going to find out who did it, why, and see him thrown in jail. "I just want to help Oliver. I shall stay with him at night-" "Fifi," "-and investigate ze crime by day. How hard could it be?" Suddenly, Fifi jumped up from the side of Oliver's bed. The two girls went silent as Oliver began to moan. "I zink he is coming to!" The otter opened his mouth and whispered a name. "Noah. . . Noah!" His eyelids tightened and he wheezed. As suddenly as he'd awaken, Ollie relaxed. He was asleep. "Musta worn himself out saying that. Who is 'Noah', anyways?" asked Ginger. Fifi grinned from ear to ear. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and with a little dignity, she replied, "My first interviewee!" Part 2 The hotel room was unusually quiet. Shirley was fast asleep, but at three AM, Plucky Duck was still wide awake. "I'm never gonna get any sleep!" he thought. "It's not fair Shirley get's a whole bed to herself." The mallard sighed as he looked at his tiny chair. "How could I have thought that I would be able to sleep on this dinky thing?" Once again, he looked over to Shirley's bed. "Why, you could easily fit four people on that mattress!" Suddenly, Plucky had a thought. What if he were to crawl inside the covers on one side of the bed while she slept on the other side? "If I make sure I get up before she does, I can call room service and have them clean my room! When they go in to clean it, I sneak in, grab the keys to my room, and go down to the lobby! When I see Shirley, I'll tell her I've been awake all morning! Oh, Plucky, you are a smart one!" Slowly and quietly, Plucky slid out of his chair and tip-toed to Shirley's bed. He slipped in on one side and slowly went under the sheets. He looked over. There was plenty of room between them! He chuckled softly to himself. "Like, Darkwing Duck! I would never tell anyone your secret identity!" Plucky looked confused. He turned his head and saw that Shirley was talking in her sleep! "You are so totally handsome! Let me remove that hat for you. . ." Plucky couldn't believe it. She fantasized about a Disney character? He started to laugh quietly, when suddenly. . . WHOMP! . . .Shirley's arm's were around Plucky. She still didn't wake up, but Plucky was in panic. "How am I gonna keep from getting my feathers scattered now?" "May I call you DW? Or how about Drake. . ." she mumbled. "No!" Plucky wanted to say. He never thought he would be found this way with Shirley, and, as much as he had dreamed of this moment before, he would give anything to be in his own room. However, his fears and thoughts didn't keep him awake for too long. Shirley had rested her head on his chest. This was an extremely cozy position, and after awhile, Plucky, unfortunately, fell to sleep. * * * * * "Investigating. Sure. It is, 'ow you say, no problem-o," thought Fifi as she walked out of the hospital. "I mean, after all, I have seen every Pink Panther movie to date, non?" As she walked along the sidewalk, Fifi began to get scared. She'd never been alone in a city this big. She had very little money with her and she didn't quite know where to begin. "I need help. Vat was I zinking? I could not possibly do zis on my own!" The skunkette stopped at a bench and sat down. She slumped over and with a sad look on her face, she began to fiddle around with a piece of trash. It was a little piece of newspaper that had blown into the bench. She at first just twisted at it, but she soon stopped. She looked at the paper carefully, and when she read it, her eyes went wide. "'Noah Fisher's Hair Salon'!" she exclaimed, reading the add for Noah's business. "'Grand Opening, this Thursday-Saturday!'" With a laugh of joy, Fifi put the paper in her toon pocket and began skipping to the hair salon. She stopped and thought a moment. "Certainly he remembers moi! Perhaps I need ze element of disquise, oiu?" ******** *B-b-b-b-b-ring!* Shirley stretched in her bed. "Wow, what a nice dream!" She smiled. "I wonder how Plucky slept." Shirley looked down and saw Plucky snuggle up to her. She leaned over and gave him a thoughtful kiss. "Like, wake up, Plucky dear." WAKE UP PLUCKY? "What are YOU doing in my bed!" shouted Shirley as she pushed the duck off the bed. Plucky rolled over. "What? Huh?" "Ooh, I could just KILL you for that!" Shirley raised her arms, charged with electricity. Plucky panicked. "Uh, now I remember! Um, you had, uh, screamed last night and I, that is, I heard you and raced in to see what was wrong." Shirley put down her ams. "Really?" "Heh heh, yeah yeah! And, um, I said 'Shirley do you want me to compfort you?' and you said 'Why yes, that would be lovely,' and I crawled in the same bed, only to protect you. So, um, yeah." Shirley looked a little strangly. "Really?" Plucky nodded nervously. "Oh, Plucky, I'm sorry I didn't remember! Like are you okay?" Plucky got up and began walking to the door. "Never felt better, toots." But as Plucky touched the doorknob, an electrical current went through him, charring his feathers. He turned and saw Shirley, angry, with her hands in the air. "Plucky, I can read your mind like an open book. Never mess with the psychic!" * * * * * * * * "Hey Fifi? Are you home, kid?" asked Babs as she knocked on Fifi's front door. Mary Melody was beside her. "It's not like Fifi to miss school like this. You think something's wrong?" The girls looked over as they heard Buster run up to them. "Babs! Mary! Did ya find her?" The two girls shook their heads. Buster sighed. "The strange thing is Plucky isn't home either." Mary gasped. "I thought Plucky was just ditching school! You don't think he and Fifi ran off together, do you?" Babs laughed. "Plucky and Fifi? Get outta town!" Buster stepped in. "Well, obviously _they_ did! And it seems Shirley's gone with them. I stopped by her house on the way home from school today." "And not a sign of them," finished Babs. Everyone sighed. They were all thinking the same thing, basically. They were a little worried that the three toons had run off like that, but of course they knew Shirley and Fifi could take care of themselves, and that Plucky was probably just hanging around with the two girls. "Well, gang, I'm going home," yawned Mary. "I'm so tired from track practice. Coach Lola wore me out completely!" The bunnies waved good-bye to Mary as she exited the junkyard. "Call me if you hear anything new." Back at Mary's apartment, Sweetie Bird was swinging on her cage swing. "I'm a happy little birdie!" she smiled. "But I sure could use some excitement. I haven't been chased by Furrball in weeks, Elmyra hasn't tried to capture me, and I haven't seen a wormy since I became Mary Melody's pet!" Sweetie slumped down off of her swing and on to her cage bottom with a thud. "I think I'm developing 'bird-cage feaver'!" Just then, Mary Melody walked in through the door. She set her backpack down and walked up to Sweetie's cage. "Oh, hello, birdie! Are you ready for some seed?" Sweetie sat up and began acting like a hungry dog. She panted her tongue and wagged her stubby little tail. Mary got out the seed and poured it into Sweetie's food tray. "There you go! Enjoy it!" Mary said as Sweetie ravenously devoured her food. "I'll see you in an hour or so. I'm really *yawn* kinda tired. So I'll take a nap while you play with your new mirror." Sweetie cringed as Mary tapped her bird mirror. It was such a dumb toy. About a half hour later, the phone rang. Since Mary was asleep, the answering machine picked it up. *Beep* "Hey, Mare. It's Babs. Buster and I found a telegram envelope marked Los Angelas. We think they may have gone to see Ollie. So, then, there is nothing wrong and I'll see you tomorrow! Bye!" *Beep* "Gee, I bet they're having more fun than I am," sighed Sweetie. "I sure wish I could go there. Or maybe Monterey!" She thought a bit. "Nah, I've been there, before. I know! I'll take my vacation in San Fransisco! I love Riceroni." She opened the bird cage door and flew out. "*Giggles* I guess I just revealed about half the plot for Part Two, huh?" * * * * * Noah was just getting done with a perm job for an older woman when Fifi, desguised as Cher, walked in. "How does Babs do it?" she thought. "Hello! Are you here to celebrate my grand opening?" asked Noah. Fifi adjusted her wig. "Yeah, that is right, um, Babe." Noah got some scissors out and began clipping with them. "So, let's cut the small talk and get straight to business!" Fifi began to sweat a little. This was going to be tougher than she thought. "Actually," she said, laying on a smooth seductive voice. "I was sort of hoping ve could get to know one anozer, um, Babe." Noah laughed. "Yeah, yeah, tell me all your problems." "Zat is not what I meant, lovair boy!" she cooed. Noah frowned. "Look, I don't got the time for your little act, 'Cher'. It's the grand opening and I'm very busy." Noah turned on his heels and walked to the next customer in line. Fifi felt beyond stupid at this point. She, too, turned and walked away. "Oooh, I feel so cold around zat Noah fellow!" hissed Fifi as she threw the wig in the garbage. "I do not zink my act even fazed him!" Fifi walked away from the garbage cans in her usual attire, and very steamed. In fact, she was so upset, she wasn't watching where she was going! She just wandered around the streets of San Fransisco, thinking of Noah and scheming about her next plan. "Hey! Look who I found!" squeeled a nearby voice. Fifi turned and saw Sweetie flying overhead. "Lost, aren't you? Musta bought your map from the same guy I did." "Sweetie? Vhat are you doing here?" asked Fifi, surprised to find Sweetie hanging around. "Oh, I decided I needed a little vacation. You know, a baby birdie retreat-treat. Hee hee hee!" "Well, I do not see why you zink Ah am lost." "Because you're wandering down Pier 39 and attracting every freak show you pass." Fifi looked around and saw people that had painted themselves silver pretending to be robots. She saw people standing perfectly still while a boombox blared rap nearby. Fifi let out a scream. "Awe, calm down, nice skunk lady. I got a place to stay. It might be occupied, but I'm sure I'll figure out--" "But, Sweetie! I do not want ze place to stay! I want mon boyfriend back!" shouted Fifi, kicking a nearby freak. The little bird fluttered onto Fifi's shoulder. "Well, maybe I can help!" Fifi laughed. "Silly bird! Vous are just zree years old!" "Three and a half, sister!" shouted Sweetie indignantly. "Well," sighed Fifi. "I guess you can help me zen." Sweetie jumped up and down. "You bet I can! What can I do? What can I do?" Fifi took out the piece of newspaper with the ad on Noah's business. She handed it to Sweetie and said, "See if vous can make him talk. Find out what you can about Oliver Otter." Sweetie picked up the paper and fluttered off. "Don't worry, Fifi! I'll make the worm squeal!" At the sound of tiny shrieking, Fifi turned and saw Sweetie about to eat a small earthworm. The little bird apologized. "Hee hee, I'm a growing little girl!" But as Fifi walked away, Sweetie shouted out, "Where are you going?" Fifi didn't answer, but walked up towards the hospital. She was going to see Oliver. * * * * * * * "Fifi!" cried Ginger as the skunk made her way into Oliver's room. "Where have you been?" "Well, I have gotten nowhere, if zat is what you mean." Ginger smiled. "Well, lucky for you, a certain someone rather special to you has been up and about today, er, sorta." Fifi looked over to ollie's side of the room and was filled with joy. There, sitting up in a wheelchair, was Ollie. "Fifi!" he cried. He opened his arms and Fifi came running to him. She embraced him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Oliver! I have missed you so much!" she exclaimed, hugging him tenderly. The otter smiled and patted her head. "Hey, kid! I've missed you, too. I had a lot to think about though." "Oh really? Like vhat?" Fifi asked, hoping he would say something about them getting together. Ollie looked down and scratched his wrist. "Actually, I'd like to talk about that later. Right now, can we go for a walk in the hospital gardens? They are really quite lovely." Fifi agreed, and grabbing both handles with her paws, Fifi began to wheel him around in his wheelchair. "Lead ze way, Capitan!" As Fifi pushed Oliver's chair, she felt her heart growing with affection. For every word he spoke, be it about the flowers or the weather, her heart raced faster. She wanted to kiss him every time he looked at her, those big blue eyes making her breath quiver. (The author would like to point out that she has no idea what all this lovey mush means, but at least it sounds good.) "Fifi? Hello, earth to LaFume? Ya there?" Ollie asked. Fifi shook her head. "Why, er, oiu! Heh, heh. I vas just zinking of zings." "What sort of 'zings', m'lady?" he asked, running his finger up her arm. Fifi couldn't stand it. She had to tell him. "Us, darling." "What?" "Vous and I in holy matromony. Zink of it, my love!" Ollie began to sweat. "Uh, Fifi, what made you think we were, uh, meant to be?" Fifi parked the wheelchair under a tree and helped Oliver climb down. The grass was very soft, and she used her tail as a pillow as she layed back in it. "I vas just zinking about ze kiss, ze time you tried to help me find ze perfect skunk hunk, and all ze letters of les past!" As her tail curled around his neck, Ollie began to stutter. "Fifi, dearest friend of mine, there is something I need to tell you." * * * * * * "So, Shirley, what would you like to do?" asked Plucky, looking at a map of tourist attractions in the area. "I'd like to get Fifi and just go home!" she pouted. "Frisco is no fun!" "But, oh precious loon of my life, I'm sure we could find something to do!" "We?" Plucky gulped. "Would you rather be with Darkwing Duck?" Shirley was just about to zap him when she suddenly saw an advertisement for a waterpark. "Wow! Like, look Plucky! The Trinidad Flamingo Waterpark! That sounds like a totally tubular place!" "Well, Shirl my girl, then it's settled. Waterpark ho!" * * * * * * When entering the waterpark, Shirley began to jump around. "This is, like, so cool!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't count your chickens 'til they've hatched. I think I'm outta cash!" "What?!?" "Well you saw how expensive those hotel rooms were! I spent everything I had for you!" As Plucky was about to continue, a large flamingo stepped right up in front of him. "And wheeeeeere is your pass, sir?" "Like, gaw! It's that bad karma flamingo from the front desk!" shouted Shirley. The Flamingo looked puzzled. Then he smiled. "Ooooh, I see you were cu-stomers at my brother's hoteeeeeeeeeeel. I am Tobago's younger brother, Trinidad." Plucky leaned in to Shirley. "Trinidad and Tobago? The author has just lost all sense of creativity." "Like she ever had it?" * * * * * * * "What do vous need to tell me, Oliver?" asked Fifi impatiently. It seemed that Ollie just keeped stalling. "Fifi!" shouted a high-pitched voice. It was Sweetie. "Fifi! I got that fisher-rat tied up over there! He'll spill everything!" "Sweetie! You kidnapped him?" Fifi paused. "Now why did I not zink of zat?" "Kidnapped who?" asked Ollie. Sweetie proudly blurted out, "That lying cheat Noah Fisher!" "What?!?!?" Sweetie flew back to where Noah was tied up, with Fifi close behind her. Oliver was struggling to climb into his wheelchair. "Sweetie! I can not believe you did zis!" shouted Fifi when she saw Noah. She quickly untied the bandanna around his mouth so he could speak. "That little rat with wings kidnapped me! Just wait until my lawyer hears about this! There are rights in this town to protect my kind, ya know!" exclaimed Noah. Fifi stepped up to him. "Look, Noah. I want answers, and I want zem now. Do you know who did it?" "Look, I love Oliver as much as you do, but I wasn't with him when he got jumped." "And beaten." "Well, yeah. And if I knew who did it, I'd tell ya. Can I go now?" Fifi paced a little bit. "Actually, I have some idea of who did zis. I heard from a little birdie-" "Hey!" Defended Sweetie. "-zat a car did it. Or maybe a shark!" Noah began to sweat. "I, uh, maybe a shark did do it!" "You knew he was jumped! Vhy did you not tell me?" Noah started to fidget a little. "I, uh, I don't know." Sweetie jumped on his head. "Talk, swine boy!" Noah looked around and suddenly broke down into tears. "Okay! I'll tell you what happened! It was me." "Oh, big surprise," commented Sweetie. "I was jealous! I was afraid he would fall in love with you! And that he'd leave me forever to live with a purple skunk-- well, I couldn't take it!" he whailed. "Zat was all ze evidence I needed!" smiled Fifi. Noah stopped crying. "Evidence? What evidence?" Sweetie pulled out a tape recorder. She rewound it and played it back. Noah turned pale as it played back what he had said about hitting Oliver over the head. "Nut bunnies." Sweetie agreed to take care of Noah, saying this was more fun then she'd ever had with that mirror. "Whatever zat means," thought Fifi. Fifi rushed back to Ollie. He was sprawled out on the ground, dead tired. "You know, it's hard to climb into a wheel chair when you can't feel your legs," he panted. Fifi smiled. "Ollie. . ." Ollie perked up his ears. She'd never called him that before. "Uh, yeah?" "Vill you be mon boyfriend?" Oliver sneezed after she tickled his chin with her tail. "Actually, um, I think Noah would be opposed to that!" Fifi laughed. "Oh, sweet Ollie! Noah is being taken care of! He won't bother you anymore!" If it wasn't for his condition, Oliver would have jumped for joy. But, his enthusiasm subsided when Fifi drew closer. "Oliver, dearest, I love you." With those last words, Fifi leaned over and, wrapping her arms around his head, she kissed him long and passionately. Ollie, surprised, started to struggle a bit. But suddenly, his arms rested and he enjoyed himself. He had never felt this relaxed in his entire life, except for the time he and Fifi kissed outside her home. "Fifi," he sighed when she broke the kiss. "Fifi, I wish you wouldn't do that!" "If it is because of that tyrant Noah, do not be so scared!" Then she leaned in again. This time, she just whispered something to him. "Vous know what? I zink your roommate was a homosexual." Oliver gulped. "Heh, heh, really?" Fifi nodded yes. She leaned in to kiss him again, but he put his fingers to her lips to stop her. "What is it, mon pepperoni du passion?" Oliver took a deep breath. "Fifi, I knew he was gay." Fifi was surprised to hear this. "And he was your, as you say, roommate?" "He was more than that, Fifi. He was my boyfriend." Part 3 Fifi's mouth hung open. Surely she hadn't heard right! Her true love couldn't have been. . . "Gay? You are _gay_?" Ollie nodded. "Non, non! Zis can not be true! I had feelings for a queer?" "Hey! Come on, Fifi. Stop that!" "I kissed a, to quote the phrase, 'flaming homo'?" "Fifi, now, stop that! I am not a flaming homosexual!" said Oliver, forcefully. Fifi got up, but with a strong grip, he pulled her back down. "Why did you keep it a secret to moi? Why?" she cried. "I thought you could tell! All those signs, and stuff!" "Vhat signs? You acted interested in moi! I zought you loved me too. Ze kiss zat night-- I zought it was true love!" Oliver stood up. "I don't know what happened! But I didn't want you to kiss me. That's why I left the next day. To avoid the trap." "Ze trap? Vhat trap? Vous just had to tell me and I would have understood." "But you were happy, I was happy- things were going well. I didn't want to ruin things because of my sexuality!" Fifi began to cry. "But even your earring was in ze non-gay ear! How was I to tell vous were ze fruit?" "I'm gay! I'm not a fag, not a queer, not a fruit, just a gay man!" he protested. "And besides, both ears are pierced, not just my left one." Fifi stopped shouting and began to softly sob. "I zought you cared about me, Oliver Otter." Ollie felt his rage disappear. He bent down and put his hand on her shoulder. "Fifi, I do care. That's why I tried to fix you up. That's why I went to Acme Acres to save your life! That's why all I could think of was you these past weeks. Fifi, you are all I ever think about!" Fifi looked up. "B-but. . ." "I can't explain it either. When I'm around you, I feel, different. Y'know?" "Oui," she sobbed. "I used to get zat feeling, too." He lifted her chin up with his finger and stared deep into her eyes. "I still do have that feeling." She smiled uneasily and looked down at her feet. "Sometimes," he began. "People are just born naturally with these little, um, setbacks. I have a desease. I did not choose to be the way I am. I was born this way. And when you kissed me, I felt different. Almost normal-- something people tell me I'm not." "Zey call you les freak?" "In your terms, oui. But it's not all bad. I met Noah and we hit it right off. Unfortunately, he wanted our relationship to go further than what I had wanted. When I said no, he got furious. He picket up a rock and slammed it on to my forehead. According to doctors, he did more, but I was unconscience." "Oh, Ollie, how aweful!" "Yes, but at least he's out of my life. At least, for a while." Fifi cuddled up to him. "Vous know what?" "What?" "I still love you." Oliver looked down and hugged her. "And I still love you. Maybe not the way you loved me, but I care for you more than anybody else in the whole world." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Character's Comment. FIFI: Vell, I must admit, I was surprised to see ze author made Oliver gay. OLIVER: Fifi, I _am_ gay. FIFI: I know. And I should tell everybody reading zis zat I have learned to accept it. OLIVER: We may never get married or very intimate, but do we really need to? FIFI: I am happy, he is happy, things really did work out fine. PLUCKY: Why was the title "Fifi LaFume-Private Eye"? FIFI: I do not know. Brooke? Have any comments? AUTHOR: Um, yeah. The original title was "The Tooniest Coming-Out Party Ever", but that sounded a bit offensive. OLIVER: Thanks. SWEETIE: I got casted! I got casted! *Giggles* AUTHOR: I like play-doh. OLIVER: You spelled it wrong. AUTHOR: Bite me. SHIRLEY: I'm, like, confused. Why did Plucky, Sweetie, and me not get mentioned at the end? What happens to us? AUTHOR: Um, that is for the loyal readers to exercise their creativity. Right. . . GINGER: So, why did Leon and I get left out? AUTHOR: I, um, I. . . PLUCKY: Ah ha! A lazy author, eh? Well, we'll see about this! SWEETIE: Get her! [The TTA crew beats the living daylight out of the lazy author. In a last effort to survive, she quickly types in two words.] AUTHOR: THE END TRINIDAD and TOBAGO: But what about us?