(Non) Campus Mentis By Maggie Weidner ENTER EXT. a beautiful mountain country side, complete with your birds, trees, mountains and lake. PAN slowly left to the sounds of birds singing, wild life chirping, and the feeling of great peace over a land yet untouched by man. PAUSE by a decrepit sign overgrown by weeds and plant life. The words are hard to make out, but one might be able to read CAMPUS MENTIS, with a quaint country road extending off into the distance. Suddenly, a school bus occupies that road (and all of the screen) as if it snuck up on the veiwer from behind. As the dust clears, the plant life has been as well cleared away by the disturbance and you see that the sign actually reads *NON* CAMPUS MENTIS, the "non" spray painted on as an afterthought. CUT to the INTERIOR of the same school bus. BUSTER and BABS are seated in the back of the bus, with their school mates chattering around them. BUSTER: Oh boy! Two weeks out in the woods! Away from the city, all the noise... BABS: (coyly, of course) all alone...in the middle of nowhere.... BUSTER: Uhm...yes. I hear there'll be lots of hiking. PLUCKY: This trip is going to be a complete disaster. Bugs. No working restrooms. Bears. Bad food. Wolves. Crummy craft projects. HAMTON: Gosh!! What else, Plucky!? PLUCKY: Well, I'm just sure I won't have a big enough part. SHIRLEY: Nonsense, Plucky. These two weeks will be like, an excellent chance to center one's self to nature's, like, symphony! BUSTER: Gee, I didn't know John Williams was on this trip... PLUCKY: How much longer is this stupid bus ride anyway? I feel like it's been forever! BABS: Oh! I see a sign up ahead. DROP OFF. BUSTER: Don't be silly, Babs. The camp's down in that valley. I'd say we have a good hour to go. BABS: I dunno, Buster...see that sign on the edge of the... A large CLIFF suddenly jumps into view. As the BUS skids by at top speed, the BOTTOM HALF of the bus flies over the EDGE and the gang is uncerimoniously dumped out the BOTTOM After a nail-biting fall, BUSTER, BABS, SHIRLEY, PLUCKY, FIFI, and HAMPTON land in a disorganzed heap in front of the gate of (NON) CAMPUS MENTIS. PLUCKY: (aside, disgusted) Who saw that one coming? BUSTER: HEY! WHAT ABOUT OUR LUGGAGE?! A large mound of TRUNKS and other STUFF buries the six of them. PLUCKY: You hadda ask. A very well-built but jovial looking bald dude comes out of the gate. BOY'S COUNSLEOR (BC): HOWDY, Campers!! Welcome to Campus Mentis, where all your camping dreams come true! I'm the Head Counselor of the boys' camp. And allow me to introduce my flower of a sister, the Head Counselor of the girls' camp. The GIRL'S COUNSELOR (GC) appears. The main difference is that this one wears make-up. Otherwise, they're exactly the same. Maybe she has more hair. BC: My lovely sister will be accompaning you LADIES (he makes eyes at the three of them), to your ACCOMDATIONS. His SISTER titters and motions for them to follow. BABS, FIFI and SHIRLEY shrug and pick up thier trunks and things (considerably more, of course, than the three boys have combined), and hike through the gate. BC turns to the remaining toons with a stern look. BC: Ok, MEN!! TEN-FOUR!!! GATHER YOUR BELONGINGS ON YOUR BACK!!! STRAIGHT LINE!!! Surprised, BUSTER, PLUCKY and HAMPTON comply. BC: I WILL not stand Naby-pambies!! When I give an order and you jump to!! We will follow a strenuous regimen of sports, hiking, sports, eating, hiking, and SPORTS!! I expect you to always play your best and hike your hardest! I WILL make outdoorsmen of you NINNIES yet!! HUP-TWO! TEN-FOUR!!! 36-15-43!!! BUSTER: COME OOOOON SEVEN!!! BOY'S COUNSELOR glares at BUSTER. BC: FORWARD MARCH!!! Deflated and shocked, BUSTER, PLUCKY, and HAMPTON trudge trough the gate of CAMPUS MENTIS. HAMPTON: I don't suppose this is a good time to ask him where the macrame room is, huh? BUSTER and PLUCKY give him a look. CUT to outside a teetering cabin in the very rear of the back woods. BABS, FIFI and SHIRLEY temporarily dump their stuff outside of it. The GIRLS' COUNSELOR turns on them with a wary eye. GC: Now, girls. I want to make one thing VERY clear from the start. See that office? All THREE turn to see a decrepit office across the path. They nod. GC: See its door? They nod. GC: THAT DOOR IS TO REMAIN CLOSED THROUGHOUT THIS TRIP!!! I don't want to HEAR from you, I don't want to SEE you, I don't even want to SMELL you!! NO questions! NO complaints! NO whining! And you had BETTER not get into ANY trouble!!! IS THAT CLEAR!!! All three furiously nod their heads. GC: Good. Now. A quick rundown of the rules. NO chewing gum, playing loud music, wearing hats, swearing, lying, cheating, stealing, wearing loud jewelry or pajamas, fighting, arguing, tiffing, disagreeing; no drugs, thugs, bugs, or slugs. No eating in the halls, climbing up the walls, losing soccer balls, or practicing bird calls. Stay inside both the limits of camp and the law, if you go to jail or get lost you stay there. Lights out at eight-thirty, I want everybody in bed twenty mintues before that. The bell rings promptly at dawn, you have five mintues to get dressed and your tail up to the mess hall for a breakfast of oatmeal. She whips out a CAMP CALENDAR, a puke blue. It is mostly empty, with a couple things scribbled in time slots, which you can't even read. CLOSE UP on the three GIRLS reading it. GC: You can amuse yourself between 9 and 12, which is lunch time. There will be a game of soccer from 12 to 12:30, you're on your own after that. The Crafts Hall is open from 2 to 2:15. Use all the dried macaroni you feel like. At 5:30, supper. After that a campfire. You can sing songs if you feel like. There's swimming around here somewhere. You MUST, I repeat, MUST have fun. I hope you bought bug spray, cuz the Camp Store is only open for five minutes just before five am. Here are your uniforms, you MUST wear them at ALL times. Here is your junior counselor counselor. I'll be in my office. See you in two weeks, girls. The GIRLS' HEAD COUNSELOR drags on a gum chewing, ponytail porting, bored looking TENNAGER in a rediculously short skirt and loud earrings, with a vacant expression, and promptly parts. JUNIOR COUNSELOR: Hi. I'm Sandy. The HEAD COUNSELOR pops back on screen LEFT. GC: Oh, and girls? You see that camp over there? She points' to the BOYS' CAMP, separated by a lake and seemingly a hundred miles. BABS, SHIRL, and FIFI nod their heads hopefully. BABS: Yea..when do we... GC: There is a CLEARLY marked boundary out there. IT IS NOT TO BE CROSSED!!! You are not to APPROACH, SCREAM AT, HIKE TOWARD or even GO NEAR that boundary! THERE will be NO contact with ANY member of that camp of ANY SORT!!!! There will be a DANCE at the END of your stay in which you MAY be able to SEE the members of that camp...IF you have followed these rules TO THE LETTER!!! If ANY of these rules are tampered with, BENT or BROKEN, there will be a punishment to the fullest extent of my abilities!! She marches off towards her office. BABS, SHIRLEY, and FIFI stare after her in shock. GC: And oh, I almost forgot....have a pleasant trip! CUT TO girls in front of theri cabin. All have vacant, shocked expressions. BABS: Well...I guess we better go inside. The three of them silently trudge inside, leaving SANDY at the end of the walk vacantly chewing her gum. Once inside, SHIRLEY begins to cheer up. SHIRLEY: You, know? Like, this might not be so bad after all! I mean, with, like all that free time, it'll give me plenty of like, free time to like, go on nature hikes!! And commune with nature, or some junk!! BABS: We have *nothing* to worry about, girls!! Ol' Babsy to the rescue! Of COURSE I brought somethings along to keep us amused!!! BABS drags her suitcase onto her bunk and cerimoniously pops it open. A heavenly light eminates from it. SHIRLY "oooohs". Within this treasure chest we find an odd assortment of electrical objects. There's a STEREO, a TELEVISION, a VIDEO GAME SYSTEM, an assortment of GAMES, a COMPUTER, a TELEPHONE, a HARE DRYER , a CURLING IRON, and an ACME LIL MISS MAKEUP KIT. FIFI looks dissapointed. FIFI: I don't know how to tell you zeeis, Babs, but I don't zink zat zere ees any electrizity here! BABS has already removed the HARE DRYER and is searching for an outlet. BABS: What was that, Fifi? No what? FIFI: No electrizity!! BABS: Don't be silly, Fif.... No! NO!!! It CAN'T be!!! NO electricity!?!? But I look HORRIBLE!!! How will I SURVIVE!!! ALONE in the wilderness with no link to the outside world!! I'll go insane!! I'll go mad!! I NEED my Oprah!! I NEED my hair dryer!! NO!!! NO!!! BABS collapses into a sobbing heap. SHIRLEY tries to comfort her. SHIRLEY: There, there, Babs! Everything will be alright! I'll just like, CHANNEL in some electricity in from the outside world, 'k? BABS looks up hopefully, tears stil in her eyes as SHIRLEY takes the PLUG of Babs' HARE DRYER and concentrates on it. The PLUG begins to spark. Some hundred miles away, POWER LINES crackle with the energy being sucked out of them. Some two hundred miles away, city LIGHTS being to flicker. They go out. The whole WORLD darkens. The SUN itself begins to flicker. SHIRLEY, at the height of her concentration, is levetated off the ground and fairly glowing. Babs' HARE DRYER whirrs weakly into life. Suddenly, SHIRLEY explodes into a charred mass, taking Babs' HARE DRYER with her. The world's POWER is restored. From the mess on the floor, SHIRLEY gathers herself back together as BABS and FIFI look on in amazement. SHIRLEY: Like, in the future, remind me not to use my brain as a conductor...'k? SHIRL collapses back in a faint. *** CUT TO the BOYS' CAMP where PLUCKY, HAMPTON and BUSTER are sweating and laboring under their suitcases as they trudge towards their camp. PLUCKY notices the SUN flickering. PLUCKY: Hey..what do you suppose that is? Apollo taking a bath? HAMTON: Or maybe a sign that the world is about to end!! BUSTER: Nah. It's probably just Shirley channeling some electricity for all those electric gadgets Babs was stupid enough to bring. PLUCKY and HAMTON: Oh. BC: HEY!! No chatting in the ranks!!! ALL arrive at a tattered old cabin in a clearing. The three dump their bags. HAMTON looks disgusted. HAMTON: YUK! Look at all that...DIRT!! BC: Hey, Fat Boy! I won't take no sissy-wissies who can't stand to get dirty! You got a problem with the ACCOMADATIONS you file a complaint!! HAMTON: Oh, and who do I contact to do that? BC: Me. Ok, Men! During the next two weeks, you will be under MY supervision!! You will learn to WALK like men! You will learn to HIKE like men! You will play the toughest most grueling sports you have ever played!! You will boat like men!! You will hanglide!! You will parachute!! You will mature into MEN! ...Just...Like...ME!!! BUSTER, HAMTON, PLUCKY: Eeee. BC: A quick run down of the rules!! The BELL will ring at DAWN SHARP!! You will have your breakfast from dawn to 6:02 SHARP!! We will have warm-ups on the FIRST DAY only!! Warm-ups are for SISSIES! As well, on the first day, you will have your hair cut and TRIMMED!! Men must be neat in their appearance at all times!! Then, we will have a three hour SOCCER GAME! At 11 am SHARP we will have your ARCHERY lesson!! From TWELVE to TWELVE-FIFTEEN we will eat lunch!! From 12:16 to 3:00 we will HIKE!!! From 3:00 to FOUR-THIRTY we will SWIM each DAY!! From four thirty to five you will have a FREE PERIOD to...relax. HAMTON: And do macrame? BC gives him a suspicious look. BC: At FIVE O'CLOCK SHARP we will have SUPPER!!! Then we will learn how to set up CAMP!!! LIGHTS OUT at EIGHT- THIRTY SHARP!!! There is to be NO dissention and everyting I say must be done quickly and perfectly!! You MUST wear your uniforms at all times! ALL groan. BC: You MUST not complain!! You MUST eat whatever is put in front of you! You MUST participate in everything, unless you are ILL!! You MUST not get sick!! To acquaint you with our camp, the Mess Hall is that way!! My office is over there!! The Swimming Hole is that way!! The feilds are over there!! The archery feild is that way and the hiking range is around that mountain!! The Girl's Camp is that way... BUSTER: When can we see our friends? BC: What!? You must NEVER enter the Girls Camp!!! The LADIES do NOT wish to be bothered by lunkheads such as you!! Any effort to make ANY sort of contact with the Girls Camp will be PROMPTLY HALTED and the attemptor WILL BE punished to the fullest extent of my abilities!!! ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS!?! BUSTER: Uhm...yea..just what is that creepy old mansion up on the top of that forbidding hill? BUSTER points to mansion fitting that description. BC looks nervous. BC: THAT, boy, is the house of the HEAD of the Camp. DO NOT attempt contact with HIM, EITHER!!! IS THAT CLEAR!?! ALL nod their heads furiously. BC: GOOD!! NOW GO TO YOUR CABIN AND PREPARE YOUR BUNKS FOR INSPECTION! ON THE DOUBLE!! BUSTER, PLUCKY, and HAMTON shuffle off furiously towards their cabin. PLUCKY: Why do I get the feeling that this wasn't the way it was described in the brochure? *** CUT TO a dark, moonlit NIGHT. A wolf howls in the distance. (CAMEO) There's the sound of a chainsaw and a cackle...PAN past the CHAINSAW-WEILDING MANIAC, working furiously on chopping down a tree, in which two innocent SQUIRRELS are trapped. Just before he finishes, the SUN suddenly pops up from behind the mountains. A loud ALARM (resembling a CAR alarm) sounds. He shudders and scurries off in fear. The two SQUIRRELS breath a sigh of relief. CUT TO the INTERIOR of BABS, FIFI, and SHIRLEY'S CABIN. A loud SIREN is blaring in the distance. SHIRLEY jumps out of bed and rouses FIFI. She rises, with protest. SHIRL approaches BABS' bunk. SHIRLEY: Like, rise and shine, Babsy! It's a like, a beautiful morning!! BABS scrunches into a ball and places a pillow over her head. She peeks out meanacingly. BABS: It's like, four-thirty in the morning. Go away! SHIRLEY: But Babs! How do you expect to benefit from this..this..like...character building expererience if you don't get up and like, experience it? BABS: You're building me a hernia, dear. GO AWAY!!! SHIRL'S temperature rises. SHIRL: BABS!!! You are being SOOO NEGATORY!!! GET UP!!!! Babs' BEDCOVERS are blown away at Shirl's SCREAM. BABS is left curled in a ball with her hands over her head. She carefully looks up at a CALENDAR on her wall and groans. BABS: TWO more weeks of this?? SHIRL gives her a look. BABS: Ok, ok, I'm up. SHIRL smiles. Meanwhile, FIFI has changed into the camp uniform and is inspecting it in a mirror. It consists of an itchy khaki skirt to the knees, a white blouse with *ruffled* sleeves, and a tiny little pine tree with the camper's name emboridered on the chest. *Not* the height of fashion. FIFI: Uugh. Doezn't do a *zing* for me. BABS has climbed out of bed with a nasty look on her face and placed her feet on the floor. It is covered with ICE. She begins chattering wildly as she slides around trying to "skate" her way into her clothes. BABS: GEEZE!! This is SO DUMB!! SO CORNY!! WHY am I DOING this!??! SHIRL pops on screen and knocks BABS over the head with a baseball bat. BABS falls falt on her back. SHIRL: Like...just call me "Tonya." The skaters in question glide across the screen, a Mickey Mouse in tow. CUT TO INT. MESS HALL. The TRIO somehow make it to the MESS HALL (sorry, but the puns on that were just too bad.) and inside to a long TABLE. Three bowls of OATMEAL are placed in front of them. CLOSE UP on FIFI AND HER OATMEAL. FIFI experimentally touches hers. It's as hard as a rock. FIFI: Yeeck!! Mine ees too hard!! PAN LEFT to CLOSE UP on SHIRLEY. SHIRLEY'S oatmeal is hanging on a gelatinous blob on the end of her spoon. SHIRL: Yuck and GROSS!! Mine is like, STICKY! EEW! PAN LEFT. Babs' OATMEAL has it's own MOUNTIAN RANGE. BABS: : EEE! A whole LOTTA lumps!!! PAN LEFT to a large BEAR. He prods his OATMEAL. It leaps up and attacks him. He jumps up from the table in surprise. BEAR: YIKE!! I think I'm going for a REAL long walk!! BEAR EXITS hurrredly through the door. CUT TO CLOSE UP of BABS' CALENDAR. Her PINK HAND marks off one day on her calender. PAGES flutter and blow away to reveal the BOY'S CAMP. Suddely, a note appears onscreen: The BEAR RIPS thorugh the NOTE, PANNING PAST BUSTER, PLUCKY, and HAMTON playing soocer. DOUBLE TAKE back to them. BC is standing over them, clipboard in hand. They are running around in circles juggling a SOCCER BALL back and forth. PLUCKY looking as sour as a lemon, grudgingly kicks the ball to BUSTER who hogs it, showing off before passing it to HAMTON. When HAMTON DOES get the ball, he fouls up and ends up on his face. BC stands over him, marking off something on his clipboard...a large "20." HAMTON sighs and starts twenty jumping-jacks. A low cackle is heard over the montage music. BUSTER narrows his eyes and looks over his shoulder just in time to see a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE pass through the shadows. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. CUT TO LUNCH - BUSTER, PLUCKY, and HAMTON just seat themselves around BAG LUNCHES. PLUCKY sniffs his suspiciously, BUSTER nibbles daintly on a GREEN CARROT. HAMTON grins broadly and shoves his whole bag in his mouth and, still grinning, offers BUSTER a container marked BUG JUICE . BUSTER turns the color of the juice (a greeny-purple, if you can imagine:) and faints. Again, the crazy laughter and MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, this time, munching on something. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. The GIRLS are going swimming...FIFI takes a graceful dive into the lake and quickly pops up, gasping for air and covered with a slimey green mold and seaweed. PAN LEFT - SHIRLEY is an ICE CUBE, BABS is encased in a FISH on the DOCK. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. CUT TO the EDGE of a CLIFF looking off into a valley. A sweating and panting BUSTER pops over the edge into a CLOSE UP, pulling himself up and over. PAN PAST him to reveal HAMTON and PLUCKY right behind, with a vast DESERT in the background and a MOUNTAIN RANGE resembling the ALPS beyond that, with a LARGE SIGN "126 MILES BACK TO CAMP! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Again with the FIGURE. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. CUT TO SOCCER FIELD - this time, it' BABS, SHIRLEY and FIFI playing. FIFI agilely bounces the ball back and forth between her head, feet, and knees. BABS is too busy filing her nails to notice, SHIRLEY seems to be in a state of deep meditation. Still again with the FIGURE. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. Finally, CUT TO the ARTS & CRAFTS building. PAN PAST a STAGE practically in ruins to a TABLE housing P,H, and B...both PLUCKY and BUSTER have lumps of MACARONI and GLUE in front of them...if you look closely at PLUCK'S you can see that it spells out "THIS SUCKS!!!" HAMTON has the MONA LISA in front of him...all done in MACARONI, of course. CUT TO CALENDAR - BABS' HAND marks off yet another day. This time, after marking off the day, BABS in her FRUSTRATION rips the CALENDAR to SHREDS. PULL back from the calendar, pages aflutter, to reveal BABS, FIFI and SHIRLEY sitting miserably around a campfire. You can see a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in the woods behind them. There are strains of KUMBYA being whined in the background. ALL CAMPERS look miserabler than a duck at a carrot convention. FIFI pulls a marshmellow out of the FIRE..it crumbles into ASHES on her tongue. BABS rolls her eyes and groans. BABS: It's been a WHOLE WEEK!!! I can hardly STAND IT!!! FIFI: Get zee peach (it's French saying. Really.), Babs!! Zere ees only one more week to go! BABS: This whole thing is driving me nuts!! If I have to sing one more verse of "Kumby-a" I'm going to scream!!! SHIRL: Babs, I warn you...don't dis my song!! Suddenly, out of nowhere, it begins to pour. The campfire fizzles out. BABS is trying to control herself, as with the passing time she looks more and more like a drowned RAT...and an *angry* on at that. FIFI: Babs? BABS: THAT'S IT!! Somebody get me a piece of paper and a pencil!! She holds out her hand as FIFI delivers the desired objects to her. FIFI: Babs, WHAT dans le monde are you doing? BABS: What does it look like? I'm writing Buster. FIFI: But...how will you get eet to him?? BABS pauses and consults some BLUEPRINTS. BABS: Oh. I have my ways. She folds the NOTE into a PAPER AIRPLANE and tests the BREEZE with her finger. BABS: With a little luck... She throws the PLANE in the general direction of the BOYS camp. It takes of into the STORM. The PLANE flies through the storm and straight into dawn. It circles the camp for a while and then heads toward the ARCHERY FIELD. CUT TO BUSTER drawing back the BOW to fire. He releases his arrow just as the PAPER floats into view. He hits the BULLSEYE, pinning the PAPER to the TARGET. BUSTER: What the...? BUSTER approaches the target, ripping Babsy's NOTE from under the arrow. BUSTER: Dear Buster, HELP!!! YOU HAVE TO GET US OUT OF HERE!! IT'S HORRIBLE!!! DO SOMETHING!!!! Love always, Babs. (To HAMTON and PLUCKY) Hey guys! It's from the girls! PLUCKY: What is? BUSTER: Somebody get me a paper and pen. HAMTON hands him a paper and pen. BUSTER scribbles furiously. BUSTER: Stand back, guys. BUSTER grabs an ARROW and tacks the NOTE on the point. He aims in the general direction of the GIRLS CAMP. The ARROW flies away at incredible speed. PLUCKY: What's going on? BUSTER: A plot line!! PLUCKY: Geeze. Finally!! *** CUT TO GIRLS' CAMP. FIFI is out for a leisurely stroll. Suddenly the ARROW wizzes through the air, Kevin Costner style and plants itself in the tree just above FIFI'S head. She glances up and screams BLOODY MURDER, running back for the cabin. As she exits, the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE comes up behind her and pulls the NOTE off the TREE. He examines it. MF: Hmmm. VERY ineresting. He glances up, hearing the girls returning, led by FIFI. He quickly replaces the note and scurries off. BABS comes up just as he leaves and rips the NOTE off the TREE. BABS: Babs, I have an idea. Meet me at the boundary at midnight. Buster. FIFI: Oh, my!! SHIRL: Babs, do you think it could be, like...dangerous? BABS: Of course. What a stupid question. FIFI: Oh, Babs, I'm *Zcared*! BABS: Don't be silly, Fifi! When was the last time your life was in danger?? FIFI glances at the ARROW and back at BABS. BABS: Well...when was the last time you actually got hurt? And besides, it's a lot more interesting than hanging around here. Very well! Midnight it shall be!! CUT TO a STAR-STREAKED SKY. PAN DOWN to the GIRLS' CABIN. Three figures in black are sneaking out the window. Cue up "Mission Impossible" The GIRLS navigate the terrian, scrabbling over BUSHES and through GORGES and aruond CLIFFS, "MI" style, until they reach a RED LINE painted on the ground (and over trees, plants, and any animals that happen to be in the way:) with BUSTER, HAMTON and PLUCKY waiting on the other side. BUSTER is checking his watch and looking impatient. BUSTER: You're late. BABS: Sorry. We had a parody to do. So what's your bright idea? BUSTER points up the hill to the creepy-looking MANSION. BUSTER: Up there. We explore it. SHIRL: Like, Eeee, a spooky ol mansion, or some junk! FIFI: Up ZERE?? Zat MANSION!? BUSTER: