THE NEWCOMER
                   (THE ACME LOO-NEY BEGINNING)
                                  by
                           Lee M. Withers
                     E-mail:  leewithers@tcfn.org  

     It was the start of another school year at Acme Looniversity, that
institution of higher learning (and lower comedy), and nobody thought
that anything was out of the ordinary as the day began. At least, not
at first. But as the Toonsters would soon learn, this would not be a
typical "business as usual" Monday. A familiar blue bunny in a red
sweater was already on the top of the steps leading up to the circular
entrance of Acme Loo... and he was, as usual, just a little too cheery
for Monday.
     "Hiya, Toonsters!" Buster said to the rest of his classmates who
were filing by him, ignoring him completely. If Buster noticed this,
he didn't let on. He continued his introductory spiel. "...and welcome
to the start of another year at Acme Looniversity! I'm Buster Bunny!
And..." At that point, a young, pink female rabbit in a yellow blouse
and purple skirt joined him.
     "And I'm Babs Bunny!..."
     "Yeah, yeah, we _know_, already...no freakin' relation!" The rude
voice that sounded like gravel rattling in a can came from the richest
spoiled brat in all of Acme Acres, who was making his way out of a
stretch limo.
     "Hi, Monty," the Bunnies said in unison, "nice to see you, too?"
     "GRRRR..." Montana Max replied.
     Babs turned to Buster. "The shock therapy must not have worked."
Monty ignored her and spoke to Buster.
     "For crying out loud, can't you two come up with a _new_ intro?
TTA has been outta production for _years_!"
     Buster's eyes narrowed. "It _might_ come back!" he growled. There
was something about that sentence that made Monty think he should
back off. Maybe it was Buster's delivery. Maybe it was the out-of-
character fierce look on the blue bunny's face. Or, maybe it was the
way he grabbed that little weasel Monty by his jacket lapels and...
     "Buster?" Babs asked.
     "Yeah, Babsie?"
     "ROPE IT IN!" she yelled in his ears. Clearing her throat, she
turned to the camera. "I've _always_ wanted to say that!"
     "Hokay!" Buster smiled, releasing his grip on Monty.
     "By the way, that brings up something," Babs began. Buster and
Monty both finished her sentence.
     "Let's hope it ain't your breakfast!" they said. Babs was only
slightly annoyed.
     "I'll overlook that," she said. "But why _are_ we still atttending
Acme Loo if the show's off the air?" Buster would have answered her,
but his attention was drawn to a black and chrome Harley that pulled
up to the steps. His attention was also drawn to the beautiful rabbit
who was getting off the cycle and making her way up the steps. Even
in her faux leathers, Buster could tell that this rabbit was definitely
assembled in all the right places. Removing her helmet, she proved to
be even more stunning: alluring blue/green eyes, a small mouth, and
a definite aura of sex appeal.
     "Excuse me," she said. Buster sighed, and responded to this vision
of loveliness with the trademark sophistication with which the name
"Buster Bunny" had become long associated with.
     "Homina-homina-homina-homina," he drooled. Babs and Monty
exchanged looks that said, "Oh, puh-_leeze_!" The newcomer spoke
again.
     "Pardon me, can someone tell me where I can find the Dean's
office?"
     "Homina-homina-homina-homina," Buster drooled.
     "Pardon me for a sec," Babs told the new arrival. The pink bunny
went into a spin-take, finally emerging as Julia Child, holding a
ridiculously large flatiron. "To-dayyyyy," she said, "we are going
to prepare a dish that anyone with an ounce of jealousy in their body
can make." With that, she dropped the flatiron on Buster's head with
a resounding "CLANG!" "Todayyyyy's recipe," Babs continued, "'Pressed
Rabbit'!"
     "Ooooh, I _must_ get that recipe!" gushed Max, making anime girly
eyes and rubbing his hands in greedy anticipation.
     "...ow..." said Buster. The newcomer laughed at this ridiculous
display of Monday gone amuck.
     "So _you're_ Babs and Buster!" she said.
     "That's us," Buster said, rubbing his head and finally regaining
his wits.
     "You know, I _loved_ that show you were on," the new arrival said.
"Why they ever cancelled it, I'll never..." Her thoughts were interrupted
as the "Animaniacs" theme played, and the Warners--followed by Ralph
the Guard--made a mad dash around them, and then disappeared just as
quickly as they came, taking their music with them. Babs turned toward
the camera again, with a complete look of disgust on her face.
     "I really _hate_ those toons," she griped.
     The newcomer smiled again. "Well. And this _has_ to be Montana
Max," she said, offering a gloved paw to him.
     "Careful, you might not get that thing back," Buster cautioned.
     "Oh, ha-ha, rabbit," Monty sneered... then he took his first really
good look at the new toon. Monty didn't believe in dating outside of
his own species--what species that happened to be, nobody knew or
cared--but at that precise moment, as he gazed at the girl bunny who
was giggling in a come hither type giggle, Monty told himself he could
easily be persuaded. He immediately went into an "Avery Ah-OOO-gah,"
and repeated Buster's earlier statement: "Homina-homina-homina-
homina..."
     Picking up the flatiron, Buster dropped it on Monty's foot. "Down,
boy, down," he said, a benign expression on his furry face.
     When she finally stopped laughing, the newcomer wiped some tears
from her eyes. "Oh, this is _great_! I'm gonna like being here!"
     "Oh? Pardon my saying so, but, aren't you a little old to be a
student?" asked Babs.
     "Student? Oh, no, Babs... I'm going to be on the faculty... I hope.
That's why I'm looking for Bugs. How do I get to his office?"
     "Just go to the reception desk, ask Daphne Duck, who in turn will
page Sylvia--she's Bugs's secretary--and she in turn will introduce you
to the big guy himself," said Buster.
     "Thanks, guys," the new rabbit said, as she entered the building.
Looking over her shoulder, she said, "It was really nice meeting you."
     "Nice meeting you, too," Babs replied. "Oh, by the way... you didn't
tell us _your_ name."
     "I _didn't_? I'm sorry," the new girl said, smiling. "My name is...
Lola."

                                 -0-

     As Buster, Babs and Monty made their way through the crowded halls
of Acme Loo, they were met by some of their friends... well, Buster and
Babs's friends, anyway. Monty could have cared less.
     "Hey, Babsie," Plucky said a little too loudly, "you'd better keep
as eye on 'Mr. Popular' from now on..." Babs dismissed the green duck's
remark with a casual laugh.
     "Oh, you mean Lola? We've already met. She seems like a nice girl.
Besides, Buster's been warned... _haven't_ you, dear?"
     "Drop it, can we just drop it?" Buster griped, his head still
smarting from that flatiron.
     "So, have any of you guys met her yet?" asked Babs.
     "No," replied the pretty black teenager named Mary Melody, who was
without question the most normal student at the Looniversity. "However,
rumor has it from unconfirmed sources that Ms. Lola Jean Bunny, age 20--
also unconfirmed--will be seeking a position on the faculty of Acme
Looniversity. Ms. Bunny--if that _is_ her real name, graduated from some
place called LTU with honors, and attended on a combined academic and
athletic scholarship..." The other toonsters just sighed.
     "You just can't _wait_ to get into TV news, can you?" Monty asked.
     "Sorry," Mary said with an embarrassed laugh. "Force of habit."
     "Don't apologize, Mary," said Fifi LaFume. "Vous will make a great
anchor du newscast someday..."
     Buster couldn't resist. "Hey, Mary, while you're up, make one for
me, too! I hear they're really eas-"
     "BUSTER!" snapped Babs.
     "Sorry," he lied. At that moment, Hamton looked at the hall clock.
     "Say, shouldn't we be getting to first period?" he said. Plucky
draped a wing around the pig's shoulder.
     "My friend, the worry wart," Plucky said dryly.
     Mary turned to Babs. "Can you get warts from pigs?"
     "If you do, worry," Babs replied.
     "I'll ignore that," Hamton sighed, as the Toonatics all made their
way down the hall to their first class of the day. Plucky, of course,
was the first to complain about the new course being offered.
     "Would someone please remind me why in the heck we have to take
American History? I thought we were here to learn to be toon stars!
What is so funny about American History?" the green duck griped.
     "Get a clue, take a hint, buy a vowel, Pluckster!" said Buster.
"Warner Bros. Cartoons are loaded with Historical Parodies. But you
can't really nail them convincingly unless you understand just what it
is you're kidding."
     "Yeah, and that's why Bugs added the class this year," added Babs.
Plucky, however, remained unconvinced.
     "And none of you believe that the _only_ reason he did that is so
his 'main squeeze' would have something to do?" he replied. Mary shot
the duck an angry glance.
     "And just _what_ have you got against Honey Bunny?"
     Plucky, not knowing when to quit, said, "You mean besides her being
as dull as dishwater?"
     "Oh, like, she is _not_!" snapped Shirley. "She's rather nice..."
     "Look in the dictionary for the word 'nice,'" Plucky replied. "You'll
see Honey's picture next to the line, 'see also: DULL.'"
     "Oh, please, Plucky," Mary sighed. "You can't equate 'nice' with
'dull'..."
     "Why not? I'm an American," Plucky said.
     "Don't go knocking Honey," cautioned Babs. "She's probably the most
level-headed toon on the whole faculty."
     "Flat-topped is more like it," groused Plucky.
     "I've seen her in a bikini, Plucky," grinned Buster. "Believe me,
there's _nothing_ flat about..."
     "BUSTER!!!" screamed Babs.
     "Oops, heh-heh...SOR-ry," he lied again. This could have gone on all
day, and might have, except for the sudden appearance of Gogo Dodo out
of the hallway clock.
     "Cukoo! Cukoo! If you don't get your tails to class, you'll be..."
     "Cukoo?" Babs asked warily.
     "No," Gogo said, "...TARDY!"
     "Well, you heard him, troop!" smiled Buster. "Let's move out!"
     The Toonatics paraded out the entrance of Acme Loo, hauling furniture
to a large van, before Buster stopped them with "I DIDN'T MEAN _THAT_!!!"
Reluctantly, the Toonatics returned the furniture to the reception area,
as Daphne Duck just shook her head, and went looking for some Tylenol.
     "Let's try this again," Buster smirked. "Ahem...'You heard him,
troop! Let's move out!" Recognizing a cue when she heard it, Babs went
into another spin change, emerging as Patton. Fortunately, she was in
front of the American flag, so the effect was even more convincing.
     "God, I LOVE the smell of chalk dust in the morning!" she said in
a George C. Scott voice. The other Toonatics applauded as Mary and Fifi
handed her a bouquet of ragweed, while Monty draped a horseshow wreath
around her neck, complete with the ribbon saying "Good Luck On Your
New Position from the Acme Undertakers!" Buster appeared in a tuxedo,
and began singing (well, it was singing to Buster...).
     "There she is, Miss Ri-Di_Cu-Lous..." he attempted to croon.
     Tears flowing from here eyes, Babs gushed, "They LIKE me! They
really LIKE me!"
     "NOT!" the Toonatics responded. They were used to this by now. They
went through it at the beginning of every school year. As they returned
to what passed for normal--at least, for _them_--Shirley said, "Like,
I just have the most cosmic vibes that this year is going to be like, so
totally awesome and some junk..."
     Monty turned to Plucky. "Say, did you hear about the Valley Girl who
died of metal poisoning?"
     Picking up on the cue, Plucky said, "No, Mister Bones, I _didn't_.
What happened?"
     Monty grinned. "Somebody gagged her with a spoon!" The Toonatics
looked in the direction of Calamity Coyote, who was seated behind a set
of drums, and got off a perfectly timed rimshot. Hamton, however, just
looked bewildered.
     "Oh, that poor girl. That's really nothing to joke about, guys..."
     Plucky sighed. "I _knew_ he'd never get that one..."
     "_I_ got it," Shirley said coolly, "and _you'd_ better, like, watch
your step!"
     "I didn't know Calamity could play the drums," Mary said to Fifi.
     "Since WHEN did you ever see Honey in a bikini?" Babs prodded Buster,
who was being evasive. At that moment they happened to pass by Bugs's
office, glanced inside, and then to a one just stood there, not believing
the sight before them. But it was pretty hard to miss... and impossible
to mistake for anything else. Bugs and Lola were locked in a passionate
embrace, undergoing hydraulic liplock. That was shock one. The SECOND
shock was being felt by a pretty gray fembunny who had just come into the
office by another entrance. The Toonatics saw this, too. Without saying a word,
Honey Bunny turned and ran quietly out of the office. The group, however,
had plenty to say, at least among themselves.
     "Well, it looks like one main squeeze just got squoze out of the
picture," Monty said nonchalantly.
     "Poor Honey," sighed Fifi.
     "See what sticking by one guy for 30 years gets you?" Mary griped.
     "Oh, don't make me puke," Plucky snapped. All eyes turned towards
Plucky. "It was _bound_ to happen sooner or later."
     "WHAT was?" growled Babs.
     "Simple, Simone," replied Plucky, in that ill-informed way that only
comes from years of being Plucky. "Everybody knows that Honey Bunny is
all sweetness and light and no personality..."
     "And your point is?" Buster responded.
     "The point _is_, pal, Bugs is a Looney Tune, and Honey isn't." Plucky's
so-called logic met with incredulous looks from the other Toonatics...
even Monty.
     "You mean, she's a spy sent over from Ditzney in a nefarious scheme
to bring down Warner Bros.?" Monty asked.
     "It's possible," replied Plucky.
     "Huh... now why didn't _I_ think of that?" Monty mused.
     Buster turned to Babs. "I don't believe I'm hearing this," he said.
"Eh, Plucky, I _know_ I'm going to hate myself for this, but... please
explain yourself."
     "Oh, okay," Plucky replied eagerly. "I'm a silly green duck with an
ego the size of Cleveland and I have these delusions of grandeur and a
thing for a certain Loongirl who won't give me the time of..."
     Buster gritted his teeth. "I DIDN'T MEAN _THAT_!!!"
     A small appliance blub suddenly appeared over Plucky's head and
flickered for a few seconds before burning out completely. "Oh! You
mean about Honey! Well, she's never been in any of the animation, right?"
Buster had to concede that point.
     "True, go on..."
     "And it stands to reason that the reason why she hasn't is that she's
just not Looney enough." Before Buster could reply, Plucky went on. "And
besides, have you ever noticed that she's never looked the same from one
decade to the next? She started out as a blonde kid with lopears, and now
she looks like Bugs in a dress... with acoutrements!"
     "It's called 'growing up,' duck," Shirley said icily, "which is what
_you_ should try doing sometime!" That remark just rolled off Plucky like
water rolls off a... well, you know.
     Buster looked at Babs. "I was wrong," he said.
     "You were? About what?" she asked.
     "I _don't_ hate myself... I hate Plucky."
     Plucky just brushed the comment off. "Hey, he's _your_ mentor, not
mine." Buster believed, at that instant, going against everything he
professed to believe in his own philosophy, that he could quite easily
take Plucky's life and sell it to the lowest bidder, and no jury would
ever convict him. However, the arrival of Gogo Dodo--in a Keystone Kop
outfit--prevented him.
     "All right, hit the road, move along, get the lead out, there's
nothing to see here," he said, twirling a nightstick in an attempt to
get the class moving. Babs grabbed Gogo and turned him in the direction
of the still-liplocked bunnies.
     "You call that 'nothing'?" Babs asked.
     Gogo's "Keystone Kop" hat flew off his head under its' own propulsion
a good 6 and a half feet before landing on Hamton. "OOOP-sieeeesss," Gogo
finally said in a sing-song baritone. Then turning toward Buster, he said,
"When did they add THIS to the curriculum? And does The Dishwater Queen
know?"
     Buster grimaced. "Et tu, Dodo?" Out of the corner of his eye, Buster
saw Plucky just shrug and mouth "I told you so." Silently, the Toonatics
moved along down the hall--they didn't know to where--past the home room
for Honey's American History class. It had been chained and padlocked,
and a large sign hung on the chain:

                          CLASS CANCELLED!
                           MAYBE FOREVER!

Honey's tear-stained signature was on the bottom of the sign. As they
made their way further down the hall, they passed another homeroom. This
one also had chains and padlocks, plus a heavy ships' anchor, across the
door, and an even larger sign:

                          DON'T EVEN BOTHER
                           COMING TO THIS
                          CLASS--IT'S BEEN
                           CANCELLED, TOO!
                      _ALSO_ MAYBE FOREVER!!!!

      "Hmmm...looks like this teacher's having a bad day, too," Babs
sighed. "I wonder what class is taught here."
     "Print Media," said Buster.
     "I don't get it," Plucky said, a vacnt lot look on his face.
     "Print Media...you know, comic strips, coloring books, that sort
of stuff?" Buster said.
     "I still don't get it," Plucky said.
     "You know," Monty said, rubbing his hands greedily again,
"...ROYALTIES!"
     Dollar signs appeared in Plucky's eyes. "Oh...NOW I get it!"
     Fifi sighed. "Leave it to Monsieur Montana to explain eet in terms
Plucky could understand."
     "Who's teaching this class, anyway?" Mary started to ask, then she
caught the tear-stained signature on the bottom of the sign. "No, don't
tell us..."
     Buster sighed. "Yeah... Honey." Shaking his head sadly, Buster said
to no one in particular, "Bugs... _how_ could you _do_ this to her?"
     "I don't wanna know _how_," Babs added, "but I'd sure like to know
_why_." Plucky was about to answer her, but an angry, "Don't you even
START!" from Buster let him know he had plenty to dread if he tried.

                                -0-

     Meanwhile, back in Bugs's office... when Toondom's most famous rabbit
finally came up for air, he said, "Eh... it's nice seein' you _too_, Lola!
Man, dat was some greetin', doll..."
     Lola had been smiling up to that point. Her eyes narrowed, and she
stopped smiling. "Don't..."
     Bugs grinned sheepishly. "I know, don't call ya 'Doll'." He laughed
at that particular memory. "Sorry."
     The smile returned to Lola's face. "Apology accepted."
     "Good," Bugs said. "But I've been wond'rin' what ever became of ya
after... well, I ain't seen ya since we made... well, _you_ know..."
     Lola batted her eyelids alluringly. "Space Jam?"
     Bugs cringed at those words. "Please don't mention dat film again,
okay?" 'Dat film' had become a sore point with him in recent months. He
decided to steer the conversation elsewhere. "Anyways, whatcha been
doin' wit' yerself, Lola?"
     She sighed. "Not much, actually. I _was_ going to try out for that
Women's Pro Basketball league, but it turns out they have this rule:
'No Rabbits Allowed.'"
     Bugs was incredulous. "WHAT??? Da 'N.R.A.' rears its' ugly head
AGAIN???"
     Lola smiled. "Yeah, but I figure, what the hey, it's _their_ loss."
She paused and took an admiring look at the swank office that Bugs
occupied as Dean of Acme Looniversity. "You sure have a nice set-up..."
     "Eh, t'anks, Lola, I like it," Bugs grinned. He was about to take
a seat behind his desk when he stopped. "Where _are_ my manners? You
want a seat, Lola?"
     "No thanks, Bugs, I can get my own," Lola said, hopping up and
sitting on one of the corners of Bugs's desk, knocking a few things into
a small wastebasket in the process. Bugs shook his head, laughing.
     "Same ol' Lola, independent as always..."
     "And proud of it," she replied, crossing her legs in a way that
made Bugs's blood pressure go "Whoa!" "So, Bugs," she continued, "I
understand a position has opened up in the athletic department."
     "Sure has," Bugs replied. "Petunia's takin' a leave of absence before
she takes a leave of her senses..."
     "The place was starting to get to her, huh?" Lola laughed.
     "Eh.... you _could_ say dat, yeah. Anyways, dis leaves us wit'out a
goils' basketball coach for da rest of da season. Our foist game is
next Friday against Perfecto Prep, so natch we ain't gonna have a lot
of time to prepare..."
     "Oh, natch," agreed Lola.
     "Anyways, from what I remember, you coitanly know yer way around a
basketball court."
     "Why, Bugs!" Lola grinned. "I didn't think you'd noticed!"
     Bugs smiled. "Oh, yeah, I noticed a _lot_ of t'ings about you...
assoitive, unafraid of anyt'ing or anybody, team player... dam' shame
dey didn't leave any of _dat_ in...dat film."
     Lola sighed. "Bugs, let's not even talk about that, okay? I'm just
as teed off that I didn't get any more film roles from that thing as you
are. But, that's in the past. Right now, you need a coach, I need a job.
It's kismet."
     Bugs hesitated slightly. "Eh... _what_met?"
     Lola shook her head. "And you're the Dean? Oh, boy... Kismet. Happy
coincidence. Fate. Right time, right place." She leaned forward, and
smiled enticingly. "Need I go on?"
     Bugs sighed. "All day, if ya like..." Lola's eyes narrowed again.
     "Bugs, I know we shared a couple of kisses in a movie, but let's
get something straight right now..."
     Bugs raised a gloved paw to stop her. "I know, I know, I was just
makin' sure." He paused momentarily. "You know, Lola, you _are_ a very
attractive goil. And, well, you might run into a lot of dat here. None
of da students have ever seen anybody as pretty as you, so..."
     "Oh, yes," Lola said. "I believe the term that was used was,
'homina-homina-homina-homina'..."
     Bugs didn't miss a beat. "Oh, so you _met_ Buster already."
     Lola giggled. "And Montana Max." That met with a raised eyebrow
from Bugs.
     "And, eh, were dey any sort of a problem?"
     "No," laughed Lola. "Babs took care of Buster."
     "Good goil, Babsie," Bugs muttered. "And Monty?"
     "Buster took care of _him_."
     Bugs gave an all-knowing chuckle. "He usually _does_!" Then Bugs turned
serious, which was rare, since Bugs Bunny didn't _do_ 'serious'. "Just make
it clear to dem honyoks dat ya won't stand for any o' dat stuff while you're
on da fackilty..."
     "Don't stress out, Bugs, I can handle myself."
     "I have no doubt," he replied. He opened a drawer in his mahogany desk
and brought out a teacher's contract. "Here," he said, handing it to Lola,
"dis'll tell ye all ya need to know about da Loonivoisity for starters.
If ya got any questions, feel free ta ask any of da staff, and den come to
me if ya want the right answers." Lola perused the contract carefully,
and then stopped cold when she reached the final page. The studious smile
that had been on her face disappeared. Bugs noticed this right away. "Eh,
somet'in' wrong, do... I mean, Lola?"
     "Just curious, Bugs... I'm looking over the pay scale... why do your
female instructors get less than the guys?"
     "OOOOOPS!" Bugs said, quickly snatching the offending document from
Lola's gloved paws. "Heh-heh-heh, I t'ought we got _rid_ of all dose old
t'ings, heh-heh, left over from da previous administration, 'good ol'
boy netwoik,' you know how it is," he ad-libbed nervously while kicking
open another drawer on his desk, and reached into a file marked "P.C.
Contracts." "Here," he said, handing Lola the new contract. She eyed it
suspiciously, read it over very carefully, found the pay scale more to
her liking, and smiled.
     "You're _SURE_ this is the right contract? Because if it isn't..."
     "Oh, absolutley honest and for true," Bugs said, nervously handing
Lola a pen. She smiled inwardly. As much as she liked Bugs personally,
she also enjoyed watching him squirm. It was fun to see Bugs try to talk
his way out of sticky situations. She initialed and signed all the pages
and handed the contract back to Bugs, who affixed his official seal to
it. Taking Lola's paw in his, he shook it vigorously. "Congratulations,
and all dat stuff. Welcome to Acme Loonivoisity, and may ya live to
regret it."
     "I'll _try_," she replied dryly, as she slinked out of Bugs' office,
blowing him a kiss as she left. Bugs had to sit down after that. When
he was sure she was out of earshot, he buzzed for his secretary.
     "Eh, Sylvia, can youse come in here for a minute?" Almost immediately
a blonde pussycat with a large red bow around her neck entered his office.
     "Yes, Bugs?" Sylvia asked, as Bugs reached into a desk drawer and
brought out a large stack of papers.
     "Dese here contracts ain't no good. Have 'em recycled, okay?"
     "Okay, Chief. Anything else?"
     Bugs looked down at the other drawer with the file marked "P.C.
Contracts." "Yeah. Make a note, we gotta bring da female staffers' pay
scale up ta date..."

                                  -0-

     Rumors have a way of spreading like wildfire, doubly so in a school,
and ESPECIALLY if that school is Acme Looniversity. The report of the
"mouth-to-mouth" between Bugs and Lola had practically circumnavigated
the entire student body within a half-hour of the event, somehow bypassing
the ears of the faculty completely. By the time the story had reached
the girls' locker room in the A.L. gymnasium, it was now considered the
"news of the day" to everyone except Babs, Shirley, Fifi, and Mary, who
had actually witnessed it. That, of course, didn't mean they weren't
talking about it.
     "Gee, and she seemed so nice when we met this morning," sighed Babs
as the girls changed into their gym clothes.
     "Time, like, changes everything, I guess," Shirley mused.
     "What really galls _me_ is that he had the nerve to do that in front
of Honey," Mary said with more than a little anger in her voice. "What
in the world was he _thinking_?"
     Fifi shrugged. "Perhaps Monsieur Bugs ees, how vous say, testing ze
watairs?"
     Mary shot Fifi a look of disbelief. "As _you_ would say... 'C'est
WHAT?'"
     "Ees tres simple, mon ami," Fifi replied matter of factly. "Ze ice
cream du vanilla ees nice, but would vous want eet day aftair day, week
aftair week, month aftair..."
     "I get the idea!" Mary snapped.
     "Like, don't blow a gasket, Mary, or some junk, 'kay?" Shirley said,
attempting to calm her friend down. Then she tried approaching the
conversation from another angle. "Don't you, like, think that Honey Bunny
has ever looked at another rabbit?"
     "I hope that's just a line in a script you're reading," Mary said
flatly.
     "Hey, that _is_ something to consider, Mary," Babs added. "I mean,
how much do we _really_ know about her? She's always been an enigma...
just like you."
     "What did you call me?" Mary challenged.
     "An enigma," Babs replied.
     "Oh, 'enigma,'" Mary said. "I thought you said we were enemas."
Still, Mary had to stop and consider Babs's statement. Maybe her pink
friend had a point. Honey had always gotten along with the students
from the first day she arrived at Acme Loo, but her personal history
was somewhat sketchy at best. Even Bookworm couldn't find anything
about her in the library. The more Mary thought about it, the more it
bothered her... especially since she knew what it felt like to be
overlooked. It still bothered her, for example, that when the coloring
book adaption of "Cross Country Kitty" had hit the stores, Mary bought
a copy excitedly, only to be disappointed to find that her role had
been reassigned to Elmyra. That galled her more than anything. "Elmyra!"
she fumed in disgust, a little too loudly.
     "What do you want, Mary Wary?"
     Mary groaned and buried her head in her hands. "I forgot she was
here..." she muttered, as Elmyra made her way over to the small group.
     "Hee-hee-hee-hee...hi, girls!" she gushed.
     "Hi, Elmyra," the girls said noncommittedly.
     "Has anybody seen that new big fuzzy bunny?" Elmyra continued in
her general sickening tone.
     "You can, like, put a sock in it anytime, like, okay?"
     "OOOOoooh," Elmyra declared, "the pink fuzzy wuzzy bunny does the
dove real good!"
     "That wasn't me," Babs remarked coldly. "That was the dove... I mean,
Shirley!"
     "I'm a _loon_, Elmyra," Shirley reminded her.
     Elmyra put a sympathetic arm around Shirley. "It's okay," she said
softly, "I won't tell anybody." Shirley brushed Elmyra's arm off her in
a hurry, afraid that she might catch whatever it was Elmyra had.
     "Like, don't touch me," Shirley said.
     "Oh, go on, Shirl," gushed Babs cheerfully. "Kill her. You know you
want to." The sound of the bell summoning the girls to gym class was the
only thing that saved Elmyra from a good zapping (although she would've
probably enjoyed it). As the girls made their way into the gym, they
weere surprised to see...
     "Bugs? What's _he_ doing here?" asked Babs. Bugs waited until all the
girls were assembled, then spoke.
     "Goils, as youse may or may not know, Petunia Pig will be absent da
rest of da school year..." This met with gasps, general mumblings, a
few scattered "Wows," "I didn't know thats," "How comes," etc. Bugs raised
his paw to silence the girls. "It's nuthin' major, she just needed some
time away from dis place... I mean some time off..."
     "The place was finally starting to get to her, eh?" Mary asked.
     Bugs smiled. "Somet'in' like dat, Mary. Anyways, wit' any luck at
all, she'll be back next year, after youse all graduate... also wit' any
luck at all." Seeing a raised pink paw, Bugs said, "Babs? You got a
question?"
     "Yeah. Does this mean that you're taking over the class?"
     Bugs chuckled. "'Fraid not, Babsie. I'm hardly qualified ta teach
goils' basketball. But I _did_ manage ta find what I t'ink is a more
dan suitable replacement, and since she's new to da fackilty, I hope
you'll all make her feel welcome, 'cause she's gonna be here a long
time." Suddenly, a light began to dawn between Babs, Shirley, Fifi and
Mary.
     "Wait a minute..._new_ faculty member?" asked Babs.
     "But, like, wouldn't that be..." Shirley added.
     "Sacre Cyan," Fifi muttered.
     "He wouldn't _dare_," grumbled Mary.
     "OOOOoooh," gushed Elmyra. "Look at the big fuzzy wuzzy!" All eyes
turned reluctantly toward the gym doors, as Bugs made the introduction.
     "Goils," he said, "I'd like youse to meet your new coach... Lola
Bunny!" Lola entered the gym, placing a light sweater and a large gym
bag on the sidelines. She sauntered to center court, and the girls
couldn't help but notice that for a teacher, Lola was certainly
underdressed for the occasion, wearing skimpy purple shorts and a very
revealing tank top. "Lola," Bugs said, "dey're all yours!"
     "Hi, girls!" Lola smiled... and then blinked. Even she was not ready
for the chilly reception that greeted her.
     Mary Melody took out an emery board and began doing her nails.
     Fifi LaFume took out a yo-yo and began playing with it.
     Shirley the Loon began flossing her bill.
     Babs Bunny took out a pocket mirror and began checking herself for
pinkeye.
     Lola turned a questioning gaze toward Bugs. "Are they _always_ like
this to new instructors?"
     "Not if dey expect ta _PASS_," Bugs replied rather loudly. That
got the girls' attention. Bugs addressed them once more. "Ahem... I don't
mind if ya goils just wanna have fun, after all, dis IS Acme Loo, but
I _won't_ tolerate rudeness." Bugs didn't raise his voice, but something
in his delivery let the girls know he was clearly not pleased with what
he'd just witnessed... and that he had better not ever see it again. The
girls gave a collective "Gulp!" and a synchronized "Yes sir, we're
sorry!" but Bugs wasn't sure that there was a single ounce of sincerity
in their apology. However, he decided not to press the matter any further.
Tossing a basketball to Lola, he shrugged and said, "Like I said, Lola...
dey're all yours!" With that, Bugs left the girls alone. Lola took a deep
breath and addressed her class again.
     "Okay, ladies, let's try this once more, shall we?" She smiled. "My
name is Lola Jean Bunny, but you can call me Lola. As Bugs said, I'm
going to be your coach during Petunia's absence, and I know we'll all
get along just..." She stopped in mid-sentence... and was no longer
smiling, mainly because, with Bugs out of the gym, the girls began their
icy reception all over again.
     "I understand the price of emery boards has dropped on the world
market since they stopped making them from materials from the Brazilian
Rain Forest," Mary said nonchalantly, as she took out her emery board and
began doing her nails again.
     "I'm just so envious of you, Mary," Babs said, still checking herself
for pinkeye. "You get to paint your fingernails and file them and all
kinds of neat stuff... sigh... rabbits can't do that, of course..."
     "Hmmm," Shirley said, pausing momentarily from flossing her bill.
"I must go somewhere private and, like, preen myself or some junk..."
     "Mary, zat ees such a lovely board du emery," Fifi sighed in between
performing a variety of tricks du yo-yo, such as "Cradle du Cat," "Walking
Ze Dog," etc. "Does vous have one zat I can borrow?"
     "But of course," Mary said.
     Lola cleared her throat. "A-HEM!"
     Babs turned toward Lola. "Oh, are you still here? We didn't hear you
come in!" she said cheerily. Lola reached in between her cleavage and
brought out a silver whistle. Placing it firmly in her mouth, she gave
an ear-splitting blast, and when the girls' ears finally stopped ringing,
Lola spoke in clear, measured tones.
     "Let's... not... have... any... more... of... THAT." Taking another deep
breath, Lola said, "Team, I've been reviewing some of your game tapes,
and frankly, I do see some room for improvement in a couple of areas."
     Babs laughed. "Improvement? Hahahahaha, are you kidding? _What_
could _we_ possibly need to improve on?"
     Lola regarded Babs coolly. "Attitude, for starters..."
     Babs went into a spin change and emerged as a rabbit from the hood.
"That's right, we bad, we nationwide, we franchised in all fifty states...
also in Texas!" she said, giving a sly wink at the end.
     Lola had had enough. "Barbara Anne Bunny!"
     "Don't _call_ me that!" Babs challenged, changing back.
     Lola's eyelids narrowed. "Excuse me, but... are you an instructor at
this establishment?"
     Babs laughed. "Get _her_," she quipped. "Of course not. I'm a student."
     "Just thought I'd check," Lola said. Then she yelled, "BARBARA ANNE
BUNNY--CENTER COURT--_NOW_!!!"
     Babs was about to spin-change into Ed Norton, just so she could say,
"Sheesh! What a grouch!", but the expression on Lola's face told her she'd
better not. Walking slowly to center court, Babs sighed. Lola smiled
slightly.
     "That's better," she said. Turning towards the girls, Lola said,
"Apart from attitude, you _do_ need to improve on a couple of the basic
fundamentals in basketball. Today, we're going to start with what, to
me, is one of the most challenging aspects of the game, good old 'One
on One.'" She tossed the basketball she'd been carrying to Babs, and
said, "Okay, Babs... show me what you got."
     Taking her stance opposite Lola, Babs muttered, "You're gonna be
sorry you said that." She dribbled the ball a few times, attempted a
fake to her left, and then a quick fake to her right. No good. No matter
where she moved or what she tried, Lola was right on top of her. Finally,
inspiration hit Babs, and going into another spin-change, she emerged as
a 9 ft. "Babzilla", casually stepping over an astonished Lola, and
walked to the far end of the court, dropping the ball through the hoop.
Spin-changing back, she bowed to what she'd expected would be the cheers
and applause of her classmates... and was understandably surprised to hear
only the chirping of crickets... and the rapid tapping on the hardwood
floor of Lola's left foot. Her arms were folded across her ample chest,
and she was _anything_ but amused.
     "Something wrong?" asked Babs.
     Lola didn't mince words. "Hit the showers, Barbara Anne!... NOW!"
Babs was about to correct Lola on the use of her name, but Lola was
having none of it. "That was without a doubt the most disgraceful thing
I have ever seen! Not only was it juvenile, childish, immature, and just
plain _rude_... but you also walked with the ball!"
     Babs was now feeling very uncomfortable, and just more than a little
embarrassed. "But... but..."
     "No 'buts', Barbara Anne... when you decide to have an attitude
adjustment, _then_ you can return to this class." No question, Lola was
mad. The other girls' mouths fell open, as a shamed Babs slowly made her
way to the showers. They didn't know what to think. If this Lola could
do something like that to Babs Bunny, then none of them were safe. Lola
sighed sadly, and addressed the class. "I really didn't enjoy doing
that..."
     "I'll just _bet_," Mary muttered, forgetting momentarily that she
was within earshot of Lola.
     "Mary Jo Melody..." Lola said flatly.
     Mary groaned and slapped herself on the forehead. "Oh, no..."
     "Oh, _yes_," Lola replied, pointing to center court. Mary took her
position opposite Lola. The bunny tossed her the ball, a stern look
on her pretty face. "It's showtime, Mary."
     Without a word, Mary began some fancy footwork that would have made
Baryshnikov proud under other circumstances. But no matter what Mary
tried, Lola was outguessing her every move. Mary lost her concentration
for 1/10th of a second, and that was all Lola needed. With a quickness
that Mary had never seen from any opponent, ever, Lola snatched the
ball from Mary's grasp and made a mad dash to the opposite end of the
court, where she made a spectacular leap, slamming the ball through the
hoop with a vengeance. Mary was stunned. She wasn't the only one. Where
the girls had been previously impolite, there was now only silence.
Mary Melody was the best defensive player on the whole Acme Loo girls'
b-ball team. Nobody... but NOBODY... ever took the ball away from her!
And yet, this newcomer, this "bunny-come-lately", had done just that.
Lola sauntered back to center court, spinning the basketball on her
fingertips.
     "See what happens when you take your eyes off the ball?" she smiled.
     "I don't believe this," was all Mary could say, as she made her way
to a bench on the sidelines.
     "Like, that wasn't very _fair_, I'm SURE!" Shirley said, making no
attempt to hide her displeasure.
     "Okay, Shirley," Lola challenged, "suppose you show ME what's, as
you put it, 'fair'." The loongirl defiantly made her way to center court,
but was nervously chanting her mantra under her breath.
     "Oh, whataloonI am, oh, whataloonIam..." If she thought that was
going to help her, however, she had another think coming. Lola made
quick work of Shirley, playing against her like a rabbit possessed.
The loon silently made her way to the sidelines, joining Mary on the
bench.
     "Like, I _don't_ understand it," Shirley said in disbelief, "my
mantra has NEVER failed me before!"
     Mary gave her a world-weary smile. "There's a first time for
everything, Shirl." It wasn't that much longer before they were joined
by Fifi... then Sweetie... and then the remainder of the girls' team.
No matter how much they had taken an immediate dislike to Lola, they
had to admit it: she was _good_.
     Finally, Lola was left with only one opponent: Elmyra. Lola gave out
a sigh that seemed to say, "Why does she even bother?" Turning to the
girls, she said, "I hope there's enough room on that ben..."
     "Did you come to talk trash or play ball?" challenged Elmyra. Lola
was momentarily taken aback by this. The girls only shook their heads,
and Mary fluffed up a musty fringed pillow that said "Greetings From
Scenic Secaucus, New Jersey!" on it, featuring a gaudy hand-painted
scene of a garbage scow crusing the river, just waiting for Elmyra.
As it turned out, Elmyra wouldn't need it. She protected the ball like
a mother bear would protect her cubs from... well, from Elmyra. Lola
couldn't believe it. Neither could the girls. They were stunned by this
display of "one-on-one" at its best, from, of all people... Elmyra Duff?
     Babs returned from the locker room in her street clothes and sat on
the New Jersey pillow. "What's going on," she asked Mary, then began
sniffing the air. "And what smells like New Jersey?"
     "Only New Jersey smells like New Jersey, and as for what's going on?
Look for yourself!" Babs looked in the direction Mary had indicated, and
her eyes grew wide as she took in one of the most incredible things she
had ever seen on a basketball court.
     "Mary... is that _OUR_ Elmyra taking it to Lola?" Babs wondered.
     Shirley said, "Like, I'm sure NONE of us would claim her for our
own, I mean, like, totally; but yeah, that's her!" By now, the whole
bench was getting into it, cheering Elmyra on. Lola was becoming
exhausted, but the cheering for her opponent seemed to renew her game.
But as it turned out, for Lola, it was too little, too late. She actually
made a slight miscalculation, and recovered just in time to see Elmyra
make a mad dash towards her basket where, with a great leap and a
mighty slam, she managed to do what none of the other girls had been able
to, which was score on Lola.
     "Heeheeheeheehee... nothin' but net!" Elmyra gloated, as she skipped
down the court, spinning the ball on her finger, before she tossed it
to a surprised Lola. "Care to make it two out of three, Miss Fuzzy
Bunny?" Lola just stood there, her mouth hanging open, her ears drooping
over her face. She was pooped, and this did not go unnoticed by the
girls, who were giving Elmyra a loud standing ovation.
     "You know," Babs whispered to Mary, "in a very strange way, I feel
somewhat vindicated." Mary nodded in agreement.
     Lola waited for the ovation to come to a stop before brushing her
ears back, taking a much needed deep breath, and speaking. "First,
thanks, Elmyra, for giving me the greatest workout I didn't have to go
to a health club for..." That line got some (begrudging) chuckles from
the girls. When they finished, Lola turned to face them. "Second, girls,
that kind of reaction could have been any one of _yours_ if you hadn't
tried to play 'Dig Me," and paid attention to your..." At that instant,
she was rudely interrupted.
     "HOLY *#!!%^##?&! Look at the freakin' dadgum tomato!"
     "Oh, _great_," Shirley muttered, "...Fowlmouth."
     As it turned out, Fowlmouth wasn't the only one being rude, crude
and jerky. The rest of the boys' b-ball team entered the gym, led by
their coach, Arnold the pitbull. The boys took one look at the skimpily
dressed Lola and went totally bananas... all except for Buster, who caught
sight of Babs silently mouthing the word "flatiron"; and Calamity Coyote,
who wouldn't have known what to say even if he could have. For one thing,
Arnold didn't allow him to bring his endless supply of signs to class.
Plucky caught on to Calamity's predicament.
     "I'll say it for you, pal...OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
     Dizzy Devil simply spun himself through the gym floor.
     Montana Max went into another "Avery Ah-OO-gah," and blasted off
like a rocket through the gymnasium skylight.
     Hamton and Furrball were fighting Fowlmouth and Plucky for the chance
to be the first to Lola's side to suggest a few things better left
unwritten, as this is a family-type story that may be read by small,
impressionable, weak adult minds.
     Lola looked helplessly at the girls. "Bugs _warned_ me this might
happen," she sighed.
     Arnold approached her, just reeking of machismo and a cheap cologne.
Lola got one whiff and almost gagged. "P-U!," she exclaimed, unable to
breathe. "What IS that?"
     "It is called 'Machismo,'" Arnold declared.
     "Well, it REEKS!" Lola said. "Besides, what are you guys doing here,
anyway? We still have the gym for another 10 min-"
     Arnold interrupted her. "Oh, this little girly bunny with the tiny
bottom and the oversized pectorals is giving _me_ a lecture, yah? You
should take your weak little girlie scout troop to home ec class and
learn how to bake little cookies and sew nice little lacy doilies..."
     The girls were starting to get angry. "Did he call us a weak little
girlie scout troop?" asked Babs indignantly.
     Lola was also not amused. "Look, you neanderthal, just who the he--"
     Arnold yawned and placed his paw on Lola's mouth in a tight vise
grip. As she struggled to break his hold, he looked smugly at her. "Hear
me now and smell me later, little girlie baby doll, you should..."
     Summoning her strength, Lola managed to break Arnold's hold. Her lips
were bruised, but now there was a defiant fire in her eyes that Arnold
didn't see. "_What_... _did_... _you_... _call_... _me_...?"
     Arnold, neanderthal that he was, could have cared less. "Oh, now the
little baby dolly is going to pout and cry, yah? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, you
little weepy girly thing. The gym is no place for girlies! You should be
home, making little nice baby bunnies for Easter parades..." While he
was going on and on, Lola silently motioned for her gym bag on the
sideline. With considerable effort, Elmyra dragged it to where Lola stood.
     "Thank you," Lola whispered. Opening the bag, she brought out a ball,
and casually began spinning it on her fingertips. It seemed to pick up
speed, and the girls thought they heard it make a whirring sound. Taking
careful aim, she tossed the ball in the air, and slammed it with her fist
in Arnold's direction.
     "Oh, and now the weepy baby doll is getting mad and is throwing a
tantrum at my rock-hard gut, yah?..." scoffed Arnold... and then the ball
hit him... hard. He yelped, his sunglasses flew off, exposing crossed eyes,
and collapsed like a tree in a forest.
     "Ooopsies," Lola chuckled, "I guess his rock-hard gut was up a little
_higher_ than that." Leaning over the fallen pitbull, she gave him a stern
look and a brief view of cleavage. "Don't _ever_ insult my girls, Mister,"
she growled, "and don't EVER call me 'Doll'!" And for emphasis, she yelled
"GIT!" Arnold did just that, yelping all the way out the gym door, his
tail between his legs. Lola picked up the ball, began spinning it again,
and looked at the boys. "Any questions?"
     Instinctively, to a one, they crouched as if they were protecting
something, and shot out the gym door. All, that is, except Buster, who
was joining in the raucous laughter of the girls.
     "Hey, Lola, that was really _nervy_!" Buster laughed. "By the way,
is that what I think it is?"
     Lola smiled. "Bowling ball? Yeah," she said, stopping the ball in
mid-spin and replacing it in her gym bag.
     "Oooohhh, that's gotta hurt!" laughed Babs.
     Lola sighed. "I'm afraid I've had to deal with Arnolds for a long
time. I wish I didn't _have_ to, but when you look like I do, it just
comes with the territory."
     "Well, if you ask me, Arnold's had that coming to him for a long time,"
Mary said. That met with general agreement from the rest of the girls, who
were now ready to elevate Lola to Sainthood, a fact that didn't go
unnoticed by Lola.
     "Hmm, what a difference a well-placed bowling ball makes," she mused.
"Anyway, he had no right putting you girls down. You're _my_ team, and
I'll defend you if I have to." This statement seemed to nullify whatever
ill feelings the girls had had towards Lola. Besides, any girl who could
bring down Arnold... literally... couldn't be all bad. Looking up at the
gym clock, Lola said, "Okay, team, hit the showers, and tomorrow we'll
try this again! Deal?"
     "Deal!" replied the girls, who were in a better mood than they had
been when class started. As they filed out of the gym and headed to the
locker room, Mary stopped, turned around, and rejoined Lola, who was
now seated on the bench, writing something in a small notebook she had
taken out of her gym bag.
     "Uh... Lola?"
     Lola looked up from her writing. "Yes, Mary?"
     "You're not... going to mention our abhorrent behavior to Bugs...
are you?"
     Lola sighed. "I'm sorry, Mary, but I _have_ to. And before you ask
why, put yourself in my place. What would _you_ do? I mean, I realize
that I'm new here, but I _am_ a teacher. I want you girls to like me,
but I also want some respect. That isn't asking much, is it?"
     Mary nodded slowly. "I concede your point, Lola."
     Lola gave a slight smile. "Well, that's a start, anyway. One thing
I don't get, though, is why the girls acted the way they did to me? I
hadn't met any of you before class, except for Babs, and she was pretty
nice... I thought..." That's when it occured to Mary that she had forgotten
all about the incident in Bugs's office. She was about to mention it when
Lola's pager went off.
     "Oops, 'fraid I gotta cut this short, Mary. If I don't respond to
this call, I'll be bugged for the rest of the day." And before Mary
could get another word out, Lola picked up her gym bag and sweater, and
was headed out the door. "We'll talk later, Mary, okay?" Lola called
over her shoulder as the doors closed.
     "You _bet_ we will," Mary said. Buster had been a silent observer
to all this. He quietly joined Mary on the bench.
     "So, Mar, do we have her sauteed, fricasseed, or roasted on a spit
after her coronation?" Buster's question had Mary slightly puzzled, but
not as much as Lola's reaction had.
     "That's odd, Buster," she said, "she acts like she has no idea
what's been going on..."
     Buster appeared deep in thought. "Maybe she _hasn't_... Hey! Mary!"
     "What's on your mind, Blue Ears?"
     "You're in training as a reporter in case the toon thing doesn't
pan out, right?"
     "Yeah, Buster, go on..."
     "How'd you like to do some freelance investigative stuff?"
     Mary looked even more puzzled. "What's there to investigate, Buster?
We all saw what went on in Bugs's office today..."
     "Yeah, but I get the feeling we didn't get the whole story somehow.
I mean, who IS this Lola, anyway? Where did she come from? How does she
know Bugs? And why didn't they notice Honey Bunny?"
     A frown appeared on Mary's face. "And what makes you think they
didn't notice her?"
     Buster furrowed his brow. "Good question... wait! You know what a
quiet girl Honey is to begin with, right?"
     "Yeah, go on..."
     "And what was just installed in Bugs's office before the new school
year? Think... what did you see in Bugs's office that wasn't there last
year?"
     Mary thought for a moment. "It can't be the carpeting... wait! The
second entrance!"
     "Bingo!" shouted Buster. "And since it's a new door, it hasn't had
time to start squeaking! That, coupled with the fact that rabbits' feet
are pretty darned silent on a carpeted floor..."
     Mary cast a doubtful look at Buster. "Is this leading somewhere?"
     Buster gave her a slight smile. "I'm not sure... yet. Let's just say
I'm playing a hunch."
     Mary grinned. "Oh, is this one of those famous 'rabbit hunches'
I've heard so much about?"
     Buster groaned at that pun. "Why didn't you get lines like _that_
when the show was on?"
     Mary just smiled and shrugged. "You know me, Buster, 'another
cameo, another paycheck.'" She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Hey,
I'd better hit the showers or the girls'll wonder what happened to me."
As Mary left Buster, she said, "I'll let you know what I find out...
by the way... what are _you_ going to be doing?"
     "I'll let you know," he grinned. When he was alone, Buster stood
up, then sat back down on the bench. He rubbed his chin, and began
thinking. "Hmmm... what _will_ I be doing, anyway?"

                                 -0-

     The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, as far as the first day
of a new school year went, except when lunchtime rolled around. As Buster
and the girls regrouped, they were stopped at the cafeteria door by Bugs,
who was definitely _not_ in a Looney Tunes frame of mind... and looked it.
Buster asked his mentor, "Not to be a copycat or anything, but... eh,
what's up, Bugs?"
     "Dat's what I wanna know," Bugs said, addressing the girls. "
"I understand you goils gave Lola a pretty hard time after I left. I
ain't happy about dat."
     "Oh, so she ratted on us, huh?" Babs asked casually.
     "Psst, Babsie," Buster whispered desperately, "ope-ray it-hay in-hay!"
     Bugs sighed. "Look, I can understand you kids razzin' da other profs,
like Foggy or Elmer or Daffy... I mean, dey've had a chance ta get _used_
to ya by now..."
     Shirley turned to Fifi. "Like, have we just been insulted, or some
junk?"
     The pretty lavender skunkette surprised everyone by replying, "As
vous would say, mon ami... 'like, totally for sure!'" imitating Shirley
perfectly.
     "Wow! I didn't know you could do that!" Babs exclaimed.
     Fifi fluttered her eyelids. "I have been, how vous say, practicing."
     "Hey dere," Bugs said, "youse wit da stars in your eyes..." The girls
turned their attention back to Bugs. "As I was sayin', I can understand
you goils givin' it to da great majority of da fackilty, after all, dem
twinkies desoive it... but Lola's _new_ here. She never did anyt'ing ta
you to desoive dat kinda treatment... unless she made a move on somebody's
boyfriend, heh-heh-heh..." Bugs had intended that as a joke, but was
surprised to see nobody laughing. "Wow," he thought, "now I know how
Daffy feels..." He shuddered at that thought. Just thinking about how
Daffy felt made Bugs's fur crawl. "Eh... dat was a joke, goils..." he
said.
     "Yeah, right," Babs said, ignoring Buster's silent hand signals to
kindly stuff a sock down her throat before she got into real trouble.
"I'll bet that's _real_ funny to _you_, isn't it, Mr. Big Shot?"
     Bugs was getting just a little put off by this. In fact, he was
nearing that quadrant known as "p-d o-d." But although he was seething
inside, outside he remained Mr. Cool. He took a deep breath and beckoned
to Babs, who approached him as if she could care less. When she was right
next to him, he lowered the boom.
     "Babsie, I'm gonna do ya a great big favor... I ain't gonna expel ya
right away." There was every indication from the tone of his voice that
he wasn't kidding.
     Babs gulped. "You're... not?" she said nervously.
     "Nah... I'm just gonna call your mudder in for a conference foist
t'ing tomorrow, _dat's_ all..."
     A look of absolute stark raving terror came over Babs. "Oh, NO!
Not THAT!! Anything but THAT!!!" She dropped to her knees and grabbed
Bugs's ankles, crying hysterically. "Oh, _PLEASE_, Bugs! Not my mother!
Oh, please, oh great exalted one, oh kind sir, oh all-powerful and
benevolent, oh..."
     "Oh, knock it off!" Bugs said wearily. Babs knew it was no use. Bugs
meant what he said. She wouldn't have been surprised if he'd already
called her mom.
     "Besides..." Bugs continued, "...I've already called yer mom."
     "Why am I not surprised?" Babs said dryly, to nobody in particular.
     Shirley put a consoling wing around Babs's shoulder. "Like, it was,
you know, totally tubular and nice knowing you, Babs. Maybe we'll, like,
go to school together in another life, 'kay?"
     "Oui," agreed Fifi, "maybe we can have Monsieur Zherry say something
nice about vous..."
     Babs was not consoled. "My friends, the heathens."
     Buster had thought about steering the conversation somewhere else
when he noticed Bugs staring at his watch and looking around the
cafeteria. "Waiting for a streetcar, Bugs?"
     "Huh?" Bugs replied, clearly distracted. "I'm just waitin' on someone
ta show up. We was gonna have lunch togedder..."
     "Bet I know _who_," Babs said, not caring whether Bugs heard her or
not. If he had, he didn't let on.
     "I can't understand it," Bugs continued, "she'd _never_ miss a lunch
date wit' me!"
     "She WHO?" Buster asked point blank.
     Bugs looked slightly annoyed. "Whaddya mean, 'she who'? Honey, of
course!" That got Babs's attention.
     "Honey? You mean as in 'Bunny'?"
     "I don't mean as in 'Bosko and'," Bugs replied. "I can't figure it...
nobody's seen her on campus all day! It ain't _like_ her ta miss da foist
day of school!"
     "Maybe she's sick," offered Buster.
     "Honey? Naah... she'd have called to let me know! She's too dedicated
a teacher not to!"
     "Maybe Mmslle. Honey ees, how vous say, playing hockey?" Fifi asked.
     "Da woid is 'hookey,' and ixnay on dat idea. Like I said, Honey's
too dedicated a teacher to pull a stunt like dat!" Bugs frowned. "And
speakin' o' stunts, Buster.."
     "Huh?" the blue bunny said.
     "Buster, do youse know anyt'ing about some chains and padlocks on
da doors of Honey's homerooms?"
     Buster feigned innocence. "No, Bugs, why?"
     "Because it took Pete nearly 3 hours to get dem t'ings undone, dat's
why! And where dey got dat ship's anchor, I'll never know... but if I _do_
catch da joker--or _jokers_--responsible, their tails is grass!" Bugs
would have said more, but the interrupting voice of Daffy Duck stopped him.
     "Hey, Bugsy!" Daffy sputtered as he emerged from the cafeteria with
his wife Daphne close behind. "Did you come here to talk trash... or to
_eat_ it?"
     Bugs and Buster each raised knowing eyebrows. "Considerin' what da
food is like around here, Daff, I'd say dat's a pretty accurate observation,"
Bugs said. He would have continued, if Daffy hadn't dragged him by the
arms through the cafeteria doors.
     "No! Don't take me! I'm too young ta die!" Bugs screamed in mock
hysterics.
     "Oh, put a sock in it," Daffy grumbled as the pair disappeared.
     Daphne just buried her head in her wings. "Some day, one of you kids
has _got_ to remahnd me to buy back mah introduction to that duck," she
said in her light Southern accent.
     "Hey, Daph," Babs suddenly said, "have you seen Honey today?"
     "Y'all mean as in 'Bunny'?"
     "I don't mean as in 'Bosko and'," Babs replied.
     Daphne thought for a moment. "Hmm... well, now that y'all mention it,
she _was_ here for only a few minutes this mornin', then she left."
     "Did she, like, say anything?" asked Shirley.
     "No, dear, she didn't say a word," Daphne sighed. "She just ran by
me, hopped in her car, and took off like a rabbit outta heck. She was
_really_ upset, too!"
     "Oh? What makes you think so?" Buster asked.
     "Well, when she took off in her car, her car keys were still on my
reception desk."
     The Toonsters looked at each other. "Yep, that's upset, all right,"
they said in unison.
     Daphne shook her head. "The poor thing was cryin' so hard, too..."
     "No wonder," mused Babs.
     "Now, why'd y'all say a thing lahk that?" Daphe asked, bewildered.
"Do y'all know somethin' that ah don't?"
     "Eh..._could_ be," Buster replied.
     A look of total disdain crossed Daphne's face. "Ah'll bet it has
somethin' to do with Bugs..."
     "What makes you think so?" asked Babs.
     "'Cause of the way he treats her sometimes, that's why."
     Fifi looked horrified. "Mon Dieu! Vous don't mean zat Monsieur Bugs
would hit..."
     "Oh, NO, Fifi!" Daphne exclaimed. "Bugs would _never_ intentionally
hurt Honey..."
     "Wanna make a side bet?" Babs muttered under her breath.
     Daphne went on. "Maybe it's not mah place to say this..."
     "Oh, go on, Daph," said Buster, "you're among friends..."
     Daphne hesitated, but only for a moment. "Well, Bugs takes her for
granted, for one thing. He can pull some of the darndest nonsense on
that girl, and he just naturally assumes that no matter what, she'll
always excuse it."
     "And, like, does she?" asked Shirley.
     Daphne sighed again. "Yeah, ah'm afraid she does. She tries to get
mad at him, but she just cain't pull it off. She's just a little too..."
     "Gullible?" asked Babs.
     "No, more lahk 'trusting'. See, Honey wants to believe there's good
in everybody, that's just the way she is. And, well, when Bugs lets her
down, she gets hurt... but she never lets him know that." Daphne paused.
"Strange, now that ah think about it, but..."
     "But what?" Buster asked.
     "But in all the years ah've known Honey, in all her moments of
hurt, Bugs has been the cause of them all." Daphne looked around the
hallway cautiously. "Maybe ah shouldn't be telling y'all this..."
     "But..." Babs said, leading Daphne on. She went for it.
     "Well, there are times when ah wonder if Honey wouldn't be happier
with someone else. Someone who'd appreciate what a caring girl she
really is. Ah mean, ah don't want to see her and Bugs break up, cause
ah think deep down inside that Bugs really loves her; but ah also know
that poor Honey cain't possibly take much more of his shenanigans. No
girl could." Daphne let out a deep, sorrowful sigh. "Maybe, someday,
Bugs'll finally get it through that thick skull of his that he'd better
take care of her, or he's gonna lose the best thing that ever happened
to him, bar none!"
     "Vous theenk after all zese years, zat Honey would leave Bugs?"
     "Fifi, ah believe that if he pushed her far enough, she would. Like
ah said, there's only so much a girl can put up with, and ah believe
Honey is no different. Mark mah words, someday the non-recyclable
garbage is gonna hit the fan, and then we'll see who's sorry." Daphne
looked over her shoulder in time to see Bugs making his way out of the
cafeteria. "Just remember... y'all didn't hear _any_ of this from me!"
     "Oooh, a conspiracy," gushed Babs, "I _like_ that!"
     "Call it whatever y'all want to," Daphne said cautiously. "I've seen
Hon put up with and forgive more from y'all know who than anyone I've
ever known. She's spent most of her life tryin' to please him without
askin' a thing for herself in return. She's pretty level-headed on most
things, but when it comes to Bugs..." She sighed. "Well, it's lahk that
John Hiatt song...'She Loves The Jerk'."
     "I think we get the idea," Buster said. With that, Daphne made a
hasty retreat before Bugs emerged from the cafeteria, still wearing a
perplexed look.
     "Like, what's wrong, Bugs, the cafeteria slop more gnarly than usual,
or some junk?"
     Bugs was still clearly distracted. "Huh? Oh, yeah, Shirley... it's
delicious..." The Toonatics all exchanged looks that were just as puzzled
as Bugs's.
     "Eh, Bugs," Buster said, "is there anything wrong?"
     "Dat obvious, huh?"
     "Monsieur Bugs," Fifi said, "eet couldn't be any more obvious zan eef
you shouted eet from le Eiffel Tower!"
     Bugs sighed sadly. "Pretty obsoivant, Fifi. I been tryin' ta reach
Honey all day. She don't respond ta her pager, I can't reach her on her
carphone, I get a disconnect signal from her home number, an' nobody's
seen her on campus all day! If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she's
tryin' ta avoid me!"
     "Well, if you're _that_ concerned about Honey," Babs suggested, "why
don't you fire Lola?"
     "What was dat?" Bugs asked, now completely surprised.
     "Sorry, stray carroway seed," Babs muttered, going through the motions
of coughing up something she ate. Buster simply hid his face, wishing that
he didn't have to be associated with her at this moment. "What I said was,
'If you're _that_ concerned about Honey, why don't you go to her place?'"
As a quick aside to Buster, she whispered, "Nice recovery, eh?"
     "I'll let you know after the autopsy," he whispered back.
     "If I had da time, dat's _exactly_ what I'd do," Bugs said, "but I
can't. I've got too much Loonivoisity stuff to deal wit' today. I'll be
lucky if I get home before late tonight!" Then an idea struck Bugs. "Hey,
Docs, what's on yer schedule for da rest of da day?"
     "Nothing much," Buster replied. "Just a couple of study halls and a
free period."
     "I was, like, going to have a piano lesson from Granny, not like I
need it," Shirley added.
     "Same as Buster here," Babs answered.
     Fifi shrugged. "Moi was going to do some reseach in le screening
room... why does vous ask?"
     "Well, like I said, I'm stuck wit' school stuff or I'd see what da
deal is wit' Honey," Bugs replied. "But if _you_ kids wanna get out
early today..."
     Babs looked Bugs squarely in the eyes. "Call off my mother and we'll
consider it," she said flatly.
     Bugs was flabbergasted. "WHAT?!? Why you... you little... of all da
noive... why I oughta..."
     Babs was still being obstinate. "That's the deal, Bugs. Take it or
leave it." The other Toonsters held their breath, waiting for Bugs's
reaction. They knew that Babs was playing a dangerous game. Bugs didn't
like having his authority questioned, especially by his own students.
Hated it, in fact. But he was desperate. Babs literally had him over an
emotional barrel.
     "OOoooohhhhhh... all right, Babs, you win!" he sighed angrily.
     Babs smiled self-righteously. "I _knew_ I would."
     "Pssst, Babsie," warned Buster, "don't push it!" Turning to his
mentor, the blue bunny asked, "So, where exactly _does_ Honey live,
anyway?"
     "She lives in dat nice lookin' pastel-colored house at 24 Carrot
Lane," Bugs said. "You kids know where dat is?"
     "Like, sure, Bugs, that's just a couple of blocks away from Mary's
place. We can find it, no problem," Shirley replied.
     "Honey lives in a _house_?" Babs asked incredulously. "Why doesn't
she live in a hole in the ground like any other rabbit?"
     "Because Honey ain't 'any udder rabbit,' dat's why," Bugs said. "She
_tried_ livin' in a hole in da ground when she was goin' ta college. She
finally had ta give it up. Said it made her claustraphobic or somet'in
like dat. Anyways, when she started modelin' for da Acme Agency in her
junior year, she began oinin' enough money ta buy her childhood home.
She had it moved all da way from Glendale, redid the sheetrock, rewired
da whole place herself, installed solar panels, da woiks... she's quite a
talented goil!"
     "Huh! I never knew that about Honey," Babs replied.
     "Not many folks do," Bugs told her. "Ya see, Honey don't like ta
talk about herself, makes her uncomfort'ble as heck. She can sing, dance,
play da guitar, ride horses like an expoit--Buster can back me up on
dat one--she paints, sews her own clothes... in fact, dere's hardly
anyt'ing she _can't_ do, with a couple o' exceptions, which we don't
need ta go inta..." From the way Bugs was talking, it sounded to the
Toonatics that he was very proud of this girl, whom he'd known since she
was a child of four or five, when her adoptive parents had first brought
her to the studio to meet Bugs. His sudden ending to his thought seemed
to come from left field. "...so's I _can't_ figger out why she'd be actin'
like a total nincompoop! Anyways, youse kids see whatcha can find out,
and den let me know, will yas?" Babs was about to tell Bugs what she
thought of him, but by the time she could finally stop growling, he'd
already left.
     "Why that... that..." Babs was fuming now. Buster attempted to calm her
down.
     "Now, Babsie, I'm sure he didn't mean that like it sounded," he said.
Babs eyed him frostily.
     "You rabbits are _sooooooooooooooooooooo_...clannish!" she snapped.
     Buster grinned. "Um, Babs, have you looked in a mirror lately?"
     "Only to check myself for pinkeye," she remarked, then with an
embarrassed laugh, said, "Oh, heh-heh, yeah, forgot...SOR-ry..."
     "S'all right," Buster laughed.
     "So, Monsieur Bustair," Fifi asked, "what ees our plan du battle?"
Buster was about to tell her when he was rudely interrupted.
     "So," Plucky said as he arrived just in time to be late, "is Bugsy
making serious hang time with the poster girl for puberty or will he
kiss and make up with the Dishwater Queen?"
     Buster took a deep breath. "You know, Plucky, I just _knew_ you were
going to show up right about now."
     "Oh?" Pluck asked. "How could you tell?"
     "My corns hurt," Buster replied unemotionally.
     "Do I detect a twinge of disappointment in your chosen mentor, hmmm?"
asked Plucky.
     Shirley raised her wings threateningly. "Like, _you'll_ detect a
twinge in just a moment, Plucky, if you don't shut up!" Naturally, Plucky--
being Plucky--just ignored her.
     "Plucky, I think you'd better quit while you're still behind," Buster
cautioned, "or at least while you've still _got_ one."
     "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I can't for the life of me fathom why you like
Our Rabbit of the Redeeming Dishwater so much," Plucky grumbled.
     "Ummm... I have my reasons," Buster said nochalantly. Indeed, Buster
_did_ have his reasons... and they all started that past summer in a place
called Gower Gulch. It was while he, Honey, Bugs and Yosemite Sam were on
what turned out to be the wildest adventure of their lives that Buster
formed a deep friendship with Bugs's longtime "goilfriend." They had faced
every possible obstacle that had been thrown in their way, and had come
through it with a bond Buster had never felt with anyone else, except
maybe Babs. Yes, Buster liked Honey, but he couldn't put into words just
why. And something else plagued him. He had this deep, indescribable sense
that he knew Honey from somewhere else. They had met before, he was sure
of it, but for the life of him, he just couldn't place where. Plucky's
incessant droning on and on somehow snapped Buster back into reality (and
Buster had no explanation for _that_, either).
     "Well, if you ask me," Plucky ranted.
     "Nobody _did_," the girls reminded him.
     Plucky ignored them. "Well, if you ask me, somebody should at least
remember to buy that girl a personality for Christmas. I've seen pond
scum that was livelier than her!"
     "Oh," Buster replied sarcastically, "any relative of yours?"
     Suddenly Babs perked up. "Hey, wait a sec! Maybe ol' 'feather-on-the-
brain's' _got_ something there!"
     "I know a doctor that can help him get rid of it," Buster said with
a hint of even more sarcasm.
     Babs shot him a look that said, "Hmm," before continuing. "No, I'm
_serious_! Honey Bunny's the _sanest_ Looney Tune I've ever met..."
     "True," Buster agreed. "Go on, Babsie, you intrigue me."
     "Maybe after school," she whispered suggestively. "Anyway, Honey
isn't exactly a ball of fire compared to the other Tunes... she can't
_possibly_ be happy playing it safe all the time! That'd get _boring_!"
     "Go on," Buster said with a bit of apprehension creeping into his
voice.
     "Why, I'm just willing to bet that under that gray and white fur
is a raving Looney Tune just dying to get out and be silly! Don't you
think so?" Babs asked.
     "Not as such," began Buster.
     "I wasn't asking _you_," Babs answered.
     "Oui! Mmslle. Honey _couldn't_ be overjoyed by being in ze shadow of
zat... zat... zat _man_!" Fifi spat contemptuously.
     "Like, then, it's agreed!" enthused Shirley. "We help Honey Bunny
find her true personality, or some junk!"
     "Right!" shouted Babs. "This looks like a job for..."
     Buster adopted a look of total helplessness. "Scruffy, The Cat Who
Washed Himself In Church?"
     Babs glared at the blue bunny. "You are _soooooooooooooooooooo_...
clueless." Clearing her throat, she resumed her battle cry, with Shirley
and Fifi joining in at the end. "This is a job for.. THE AMAZING THREE!"
     Buster buried his face in his hands. "Oh, Dear Lord, no..."
     Even Plucky was apalled by this prospect, and went into his over-the-
top Captain Kirk voice. "No! It's against everything the Federation stands
for! Millions of people who've never died before will be killed! You're
messing with things that toons were never meant to understand! And besides,"
he said, quickly reverting back to his obnoxious, normal (?) self, "if you
succeed, what'll happen to Lola?"
     "WHO CARES???" the girls shot back. Buster raised his hand weakly.
     "It's down the hall, third door to the left," smirked Babs.
     "I'll ignore that," Buster said.
     "Oh, you don't wanna do _that_, pal," said Plucky, "you might have to
_use_ it someday." Buster ignored him and addressed the girls.
     "Look, I know you _think_ you'll be helping Honey, but maybe she
_likes_ being the only sane one here! I mean, _somebody's_ gotta be..."
Plucky placed a wing on Buster's shoulder.
     "Hey, pal, this isn't going to turn into another one of your lame-o
analogies, is it? 'Cause if it is..."
     Buster sighed. No matter what Plucky said, he was determined to
continue. "Listen, Plucky, and the _rest_ of you, too. Bugs and Honey have
been together for a lot of years, right? And I think it's because she's
everything that Bugs isn't. She's sensible, cautious, and she _must_ have
a calming influence on him. I mean, being a Looney Tunes is a great gig,
but is that something you'd _really_ wanna be around 24 hours a day? Even
the biggest ocean liner needs an anchor to hold it steady sometimes..."
     Plucky excahnged weary looks with the girls. "I was right. Another
lame-o analogy." Buster was now even more determined to finish his thought,
even if it turned out that he was the only one listening.
     "...and if Honey wasn't always there for Bugs, he'd wind up as nuts as
Daffy! And who needs a rabbit like _that_?" He paused and waited for any
kind of reaction.
     Plucky began playing a game of jacks with himself.
     Shirley took out her floss and resumed flossing her bill.
     Fifi started up with the yo-yo tricks again.
     Babs took out a pocket mirror and began checking herself for pinkeye.
     Buster sighed. These toons were beyond help.
     Plucky looked up at Buster with annoyance. "Hey, could you sigh a little
softer, pal? You just made me miss threesies!"
     "I give up," Buster said, resigned to the inevitable. "By the way, I
thought after the Arnold incident that you girls were all 'palsy-walsy'
with Lola. What gives?"
     "_That_ was before we found out she ratted on us," Babs replied coldly,
then added, "Did I just hear you say 'palsy-walsy'?"
     Buster shrugged helplessly. "I couldn't help it, Babs, the scriptwriters
made me say it."
     "I see..." Babs was unconvinced. "Well, we haven't got time to waste
hanging around here." Taking full command, she yelled "On to Honey's!"
And before Buster could say another word, the girls were gone; but not
before Babs turned around and smiled. "Don't worry, lover--_we_ know what
we're doing!"
     "_That's_ the thing that worries me most," Buster replied under his
breath. Just then, Mary Melody caught up with the blue bunny.
     "What was all _that_ about?" she asked, ignoring Plucky's presence.
     "That was about three minutes' worth of quality airtime wasted on Blue
Boy's Lame-O Analogies, _that's_ what...and could you two be quieter, please?
You made me miss my threesies," grumbled the duck.
     Buster read Mary's expression like a book. "Don't ask, Mary, you'll save
yourself a _lot_ of headaches that way."
     Shaking her head and muttering, "I have REALLY got to transfer to another
school," she motioned Buster to follow her away from Plucky, which was a good
thing, just based on general principle.
     "So," Buster asked, "what'd you find out about Lola?"
     Mary sighed and shrugged. "Not much, I'm afraid. Bookworm and I scanned
the whole faculty files, and came up emptier than a political promise. All
it had for Lola was 'ACCESS DENIED!' You got any ideas?" Buster didn't seem
to be listening to her. "Um, Buster..."
     "Huh? Oh, sorry, Mary, I... I just have this uneasy feeling of impending
disaster..."
     "Why?"
     "Because," Buster replied, terror building up to a crescendo in his voice,
"Honey Bunny's about to have a visit from... The Amazing Three."
     "OH, DEAR GOD, NO!!!" Mary screamed. Then regaining her composure, she
asked, "What did Honey ever do in her life to deserve a thing like _that_?"
     Before Buster could reply, Plucky snapped, "Hey, would you two pipe down?
You made me miss threesies!!!"
     Buster and Mary shook their heads sadly. Plucky was a basket case.
     "So," Mary asked, "what should we do now?"
     Buster gave it some thought. "Hmm... well, electroshock therapy didn't
work on Monty, _maybe_ it might have an effect on Plucky..."
     Mary groaned. "You're hopeless, too!" Suddenly, what she had intended
finally sank into Buster's noggin.
     "Oh, you mean about Lola! Well, she seems to like you, work on _that_.
Build up a rapport with her. You're both good basketball players, use that
as an excuse!"
     Mary grinned. "Gain her confidence, in other words?"
     "Somethin' like that. You know the routine... 'brown nose'..."
     "AHEM!" Mary replied loudly.
     "OOOOOOPS! Heh heh... I mean... well, _you_ know what I mean," Buster
said, quickly correcting himself.
     "I think so," Mary replied. "I'll let you know what I come up with."
And with that, Mary was gone just as quickly as she had entered. Buster
made his way down the hall, past the cafeteria entrance, where Plucky was
still playing jacks against himself... and losing... and was on his way to
his locker when he was stopped by a voice that was for Buster both familiar
and unusual. Familiar, in that he knew the voice, and unusual in that it
didn't sound like any toon voice he had ever heard. It was soft, gentle,
and surprisingly... normal.
     "B...Buster...?" A smile came to him when he heard the voice.
     "Hi, Honey Bunny."
     "Hi," she replied as Buster turned around. He couldn't help noticing
that there was a certain sadness in Honey's voice, matched only by the
sadness that was in her eyes... those beautiful, deep darker-than-dark
chocolate brown eyes that any self-respecting rabbit would be glad to
get lost in. Unless you looked closely, it was very easy to mistake her
eyes as black; but in truth, they were brown... a soulful brown, Buster
thought. And they weren't a murky brown, either; they were crystal clear
and incredibly deep. So clear and so deep, in fact, that you could look
into them and see the goodness of their owner. If the eyes truly were
the windows to the soul, Buster thought to himself, then Honey's was
truly a soul worth knowing. But those eyes had been doing a lot of
crying that day. Honey appeared anxious, ill at ease, unsure of herself
or her surroundings. She felt as though her whole world was collapsing
around her, and there wasn't anything she could do to stop it. She
needed a friend at that moment, and Buster was more than happy to oblige.
"Buster," she whispered nervously, "can... can we talk?"
     "If we could do _that_," he quipped, "there'd be a heckofalot of
voice actors out of work..." Buster's attempt at humor fell flatter than
Honey's spirits, however. Honey was hurting; the last thing she needed
was a series of one-liners. Buster quickly realized his mistake. "I'm
sorry, Honey. What's on your mind?"
     "Well... that is... I... um... I mean..." Honey was fumbling for the
right words, or _any_ words, for that matter. That wasn't the Honey that
Buster knew. She had, for as long as he'd known her, which admittedly
wasn't all that long, seemed to have an air of self-confidence, knowing
just what to say, and just how to say it. But it was a self-confidence
that was totally devoid of any sort of arrogance... and right now, that
self-confidence was eroding in front of Buster's eyes. Quietly, he took
her paws in his and led her to her Print Media homeroom, and closed the
door behind them. They walked silently past a varied assortment of comic
strips, coloring books, magazines, jigsaw puzzles, etc., which Honey,
using her years of modeling expertise for many of those same items, had
planned to use as the basis for her class. Buster led her to her desk,
where she sat nervously on the comfortable chair behind it, while the
blue bunny sat himself on the desk top and faced her.
     "I... I guess you're... wondering why I skipped out on my own class
today," she began hesitantly.
     "It's okay, Hon," Buster replied. "I _know_ why. We saw it, too..."
     Honey bowed her head. "I've... never done anything like that before.
Deliberately cut class like that, I mean... I..."
     Buster placed an understanding gloved paw on her shoulder. "Honey,"
he said softly, "you don't owe me, or anybody else, any kind of an
explanation. But Bugs certainly owes _you_ one."
     Honey didn't even look up. "Sigh... I... I don't know if I'm even
ready to hear it, to be honest. I thought that everything was perfect
between us... I... I guess it's all my fault..."
     Buster couldn't believe his ears. Bugs had brought this sweet lady
to a near collapse emotionally, and _she_ was taking the blame for it?
"What?!?"
     Honey's voice was somewhere between a sigh and a whisper now. "I
know I'm not the most exciting girl on the planet. I've never been one
to draw attention to myself, or set the town on fire, I've never really
been flashy, or any of the things that everybody _thinks_ Bugs Bunny's
girlfriend ought to be..."
     "Would it make you happier if you were?" Buster asked.
     The gray fembunny shook her head slightly. "No. It might make
everybody else happy, but I can't live my life according to everyone
else's expectations or preconceived notions, Buster. It wouldn't feel
right to me. I have to live my life according to the way I live it.
Maybe it was my upbringing, the way I was raised and taught, that it
was all right to have a sense of values, that it was never wrong to
always do the right thing, to have consideration for others' feelings,
to care about others. That didn't used to be such a bad thing... I
don't know, maybe Bugs was right, maybe I _am_ a 'goody-two-shoes,'
but I can't help that, Buster, that's what I am, and always will be,
but obviously, there's _something_ about good old safe, sane, reliable
Mary Margaret McPherson that Bugs doesn't love any more... and not
knowing _why_ he doesn't, doesn't hurt nearly half as much as just
knowing _that_ he doesn't... and he didn't even have the decency to tell
me... after all these years, he didn't have the decency..." Her whole
body began shaking, tears flowing freely down her face. Buster gently
pulled her close, allowing her to cry on his shoulder. He didn't mind;
this was familiar territory for him.
     It had only been a little over a month since they'd played this
scenario out in Gower Gulch. But then it was because she thought she'd
seen the bunny she'd loved all her life plummet 10,000 feet to his
death. Now, it was because her heart was breaking into a million and
one pieces, and she literally had no one else she could turn to. Buster
was her closest friend among the students of Acme Loo, and a friend was
what she needed most. After a few more minutes she slowly raised her
head. Through her tears, she asked, "Buster... do... do you think I'm...
pretty?"
     Buster smiled warmly, and kissed her cheek. "Honey, I think as
rabbits go, you're beautiful... externally _and_ internally."
     She managed a smile somehow. "Sniff... th.. thank you... that's...
that's very kind of you to say so..."
     "I didn't say it to be kind, Hon. I said it because it's true. You
have a way about you that's different from any other toon I've ever
known, or ever will know. I've gone to school with and been instructed
and surrounded by every kind of Looney Toonatic there is, and you're
the only one I'd ever really feel comfortable with if we ever got stuck
in an elevator."
     "Thank you," she said, blushing slightly.
     "No thanks needed. You're sweet, kind, gentle... you're _normal_..."
Honey laughed, which as far as Buster was concerned, was a good sign.
He continued, "...you're everything that's good in a rabbit, as far as
I can tell, and if everyone else can't see that, then that's _their_
problem. I know I'm happy to have you as a teacher, and I'm _very_ proud
to have you as a friend."
     Honey's lower lip began quivering, accompanied by a small trickle of
tears. All she'd asked Buster was if he thought she was pretty. She
hadn't expected _this_, and she was genuinely moved by his declaration.
Buster placed his hands on her shoulders and looked deep into those
beautiful dark brown eyes.
     "Besides, Hon, you and I have shared something together that I don't
ever expect to share with anyone else ever again..."
     "...Sniff... we... we have?... sniff..."
     "Sure," Buster smiled. "Remember..." he motioned her closer so he could
whisper in her ear, "..._I've_ seen ya without your shirt!"
     Honey gasped in shock. "BUSTER!..." Then she began laughing out loud.
That was just the kind of off-center line she needed to hear. When she
finally stopped laughing long enough to catch her breath, she wiped her
eyes, hugged Buster and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks, Buster, I
_needed_ that!"
     "Aw, shucks," he grinned. "Anyway, I don't think you've really got
anything to worry about, not from the way Bugs was talking about you at
lunch today..."
     "Oh, yeah... lunch..." The smile suddenly vanished from Honey's face.
     "Hey, _I'm_ supposed to be the only blue bunny around here, remember?
Besides," Buster said, "I can almost guarantee there's nothing going on
between Bugs and Lola..."
     Honey stared vacantly. "Lola? Is _that_ her name?"
     "Yeah, Lola Jean Bunny. Anyway, Bugs wouldn't throw away a relationship
as long as the one you two've had overnight..."
     Honey remained doubtful. "You... you think so, Buster?"
     Buster remained confident. "Hon, I _know_ so, knowing how Bugs feels
about you. He told me himself. Once, we had this father-and-son talk about
relationships..."
     Honey suddenly sat bolt upright. "You had a _what_?"
     "OOOPS!" Buster thought. "A father-and-son _type_ of talk about
relationships," he quickly corrected himself. "Whew, _that_ was a close
one," he thought to himself. Bugs being Buster's father was the most
closely-guarded secret in all toondom, a secret shared only between Bugs
and Buster, since Buster's mother was long since dead. That's what Bugs
had told him, and he presented him with a box filled with documents to
prove it, and that was good enough for Buster. "Anyway," he continued,
he talked about how you two met, and that he thought the world of you..."
     "Bugsy said _that_?" Honey couldn't quite believe it.
     Buster grinned. "He sure did. He also said if I ever found someone
special like you, that I should hold onto her with both paws and never let
her go..."
     Honey still couldn't believe it. "Bugsy said that? _MY_ Bugsy?"
     "Yep, your Bugsy... hey, why the tears?" Buster asked. Honey tried
blinking them back, but her feelings were betraying what had to be the most
painful aspect of her years with Bugs.
     "Then... then wh... why hasn't he ever said that to _me_?" she whispered.
     Now it was Buster's turn to be stunned. "You're kidding! All the years
you've been together, and..."
     Honey's tears were flowing even faster now. "And he's never told me
that he loves me..." she admitted.
     "Not ever?"
     Honey shook her head sorrowfully. "No, never. A... a girl _needs_ to
hear that every so often, you know?"
     Buster sighed. "I never would have guessed..."
     "Well, you should've. _Bugsy_ should've... I don't know why I've let
it go on for even this long..."
     "Yeah, Daphne said you had a blind spot as far as Bugs is concerned...
ooops... uh... I mean..." Too late, Buster had spilled the beans. Honey
looked at him with hurt in her eyes.
     "Daph said that, did she?"
     "Wellll... not in so many words," Buster began. A sad, slight smile
briefly crossed Honey's lips.
     "Well, for whatever it's worth," she finally said, "Daphne happens to
be right... I _do_ have a blind spot when it comes to Bugsy... but I guess
that doesn't matter anymore..." Her tears began streaming even faster.
     Buster reached out and took one of Honey's paws in his. "Hon, I still
think, from what Bugs said then and now, that he still cares about you."
She still wasn't willing to accept whatever Buster said as absolute gospel.
Then a wild thought came to him. It was crazy, maybe even illogical, but
it just might work. "Besides," he said, "you know how Bugs is always
kissin' everybody..."
     "Usually other guys," Honey pointed out. Buster wasn't deterred.
     "Yeah, but that's just something he does just to throw 'em off, you
know that..."
     "I... I _do_?" Obviously, she needed a more convincing argument.
     "Sure you do," Buster said, still trying to boost Honey's self-confidence,
or at least stop it from eroding completely. "Maybe it was just his way of
welcoming Lola to the faculty..."
     Honey regarded Buster with a "deer in the headlights" look. "The...
the faculty?"
     "Didn't you know? She's taking over the girls' b-ball team while
Petunia's on a leave of absence!" This was obviously news to Honey.
     "Basketball?... you mean, she's going to be here every school day?"
     "That's right," Buster grinned. Honey slumped down in her seat and
bowed her head in resignation.
     "I'm dead," she mumbled. Buster gave her a reassuring smile.
     "Oh, I don't know, you look pretty lively to me... Honey? Honey?"
But the sad gray and white fembunny didn't answer. She was trying to sort
out the many and varied feelings and emotions she felt about Bugs, and
pondered her own shortcomings, or what she perceived as her own
shortcomings. Finally, she broke the silence with an almost quiet tone
of voice. "Umm... Buster..."
     "Yeah?" he asked in the same quiet tone.
     Honey bowed her head slowly. "I... I have to make a confession..."
     "Sorry," he replied, "I don't do priest jokes..."
     "I'm serious," she said softly.
     "I can _tell_," he replied. "Go on, Honey..."
     She took a deep breath. "You... you know that blind spot I have? The
one about Bugs? Well, I'm afraid there's a side effect to it, and it's one
that I'm not very proud of at all. I...I tend to get unreasonably jealous..."
     "Jealous? You?"
     "Yes, me. I'm ashamed to say that it's been well-documented that
I've always jumped the gun whenever I see Bugsy even so much as talk to
a pretty girl bunny, and I never give him the chance to explain... did
Bugsy happen to mention _that_ in his talk?"
     "No," Buster replied, " never mentioned anything bad about you at
all."
     "R..really?"
     "Really. Oh, he said your relationship hasn't always been a piece of
carrot cake, that you've had breakups and makeups, but he didn't say
you were to blame at all."
     "He... he didn't?"
     "Naahhh," the blue bunny grinned. "But he _did_ say that no relationship
was always perfect." Honey took this statement in, thought about it for
several silent minutes, and finally looked up at Buster.
     "Bus... Buster... do... do you think..." she stammered.
     "What?" he asked.
     "Do... you think I've been... foolish?" she asked quietly.
     He gave her one of his warmest smiles. "Naaahh... 'foolish' and you
don't even belong together in the same sentence. You're not foolish, Hon,
you're just a rabbit lin love, that's all... and there's nothin' foolish
about that."
     Honey blinked back her tears, and tried to smile again. "Buster...
how did you get to be so wise at your age?"
     Buster shrugged. "Beats me, I guess it's the next logical step, you
know--'wise acre,' 'wiseguy,' 'wise-'..."
     "Watch it, there's a lady present," Honey cautioned.
     "I was _gonna_ say 'wise beyond years," the blue bunny grinned.
     "Oh." Finally, slowly but surely, the confidence that Honey had thought
she'd lost seemed to be returning. "You know something? I'll bet you're
right... sure, that's gotta be it. Bugs was just welcoming her to the
faculty, that's all. You know how Bugs is always kissing everybody?"
     "Yeah, I've noticed," Buster said, smiling. "He was just being
friendly, that's all."
     "And I've been avoiding him like the plague," Honey reflected, ashamed
of her behavior. "I didn't even give him the chance to explain... again...
I... I've _got_ to go to him and apologize... do you know where he is?"
     "Sure do," Buster beamed. "He said he had Looniversity business to
take care of, and he'd be in his office all day. I'll bet you'll find
him there. workin' hard as a rabbit..."
     "Buster..." she whispered.
     "Yeah, Hon?" he grinned.
     "Would... would you..."
     Buster took Honey's arm in his. "...walk you to his office? It'd be my
pleasure. Come on..."

                                 -0-

     "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Bugs had been expecting his intercom to go off;
he just didn't expect it this quickly. Leaning over his desk, he pressed
the respond button. "Yeah, Sylvia?" He already guessed what she was
about to say, since he was the one who had sent for Acme Loo's new
girl's b-ball coach.
     "Lola's here..."
     "Good... send her in," he said, without the characteristic humor in
his voice. Something had ticked him off, and Sylvia could tell it on the
other end of the intercom.
     "Uhh... yes, sir," she replied. Seconds later, Lola, in her skimpy
top and purple shorts, was standing before Bugs, who wasn't smiling.
He got up from behind his mohogany desk, a sheet of paper in his hand,
and began pacing back and forth behind the desk. He didn't say anything
for several minutes. Lola didn't know what was going on, but this silent
treatment was making her feel very uncomfortable; but she'd be darned if
she ever let her nervousness show in front of Bugs. Suddenly, Bugs
stopped pacing, turned abruptly and faced Lola, holding the paper up
just a few inches away from her.
     "Lola," he said sternly, "do you know what dis paper is?"
     "No," she said, trying to remain calm.
     "It's a form, specific'lly form #WD-40. It's used when fackilty
members need ta file complaints against each udder. In all da years I've
been here, I _never_ t'ought I'd ever have ta see one o' dese... and den
_you_ show up."
     Finally, it sank in. "Wh... what? Someone filed a complaint against
_me_?" Lola asked in bewilderment.
     "Yes, you." Bugs still wasn't smiling.
     "Who?" Lola felt she had the right to know. Bugs realized this, so
he told her.
     "Arnold," he said flatly.
     "Bugs... let me explain," Lola began, but Bugs raised a gloved paw to
stop her.
     "I ain't innersted, Lola. Fackilty members ain't s'posed ta be goin'
at each udder's t'roats. It ain't professional." Bugs was clearly
agitated by the paper he held, although he tried remaining cool as a
carrot.
     Lola was becoming unsettled. She'd never seen this side of Bugs
before, or even guessed that it existed. "But, Bugs..."
     "No 'buts,' Lola! I _don't_ wanna hear it! One o' my staff injures
anudder fackilty member, an' I _have_ ta take it seriously!"
     Lola was on the brink of... no, she'd be damned if she ever let Bugs
Bunny see her cry, she told herself. She was supposed to be stronger
than that; but the fact that he wasn't even giving her the chance to
explain her actions upset her. How could he be so unfair? "Don't I even
get the chance to tell _my_ side of it?"
     "Nope. I got _all_ da info I need right here on dis WD-40. And as
Dean of Acme Loo, dere's really only one t'ing I can do wit' it."
Slowly, he walked out from behind his desk to the now shaking Lola, held
the form up to her eyes, and then astonished her by casually tearing it
right down the middle, rolling the two halves into a ball, and then
tossing it effortlessly into the wastebasket on the other side of his
desk. He smiled, and stood face to face with the blonde and tan bunny.
"Arnold's a joik; everybody knows dat. But he had no call at all ta put
his paws on ya..."
     Lola was stunned. "How... how did you know..."
     "Simple," Bugs said, smiling slightly. "Dat ain't _rouge_ on yer
lips, kiddo." Lola reached up and felt where Arnold had placed his paw
in that powerful grip. She hadn't realized just how powerful that grip
had been. Quickly, she took out a small pocket mirror from her shorts,
and gasped when she saw the bruise.
     "Oh, my..." Lola said, wondering when the swelling would go down.
     "...an' besides," Bugs continued, "one o' yer students told me."
     "Well," Lola replied, "I guess I should thank... whoever it was..."
     Bugs grinned. "Mary Melody. I like her, she's a sweet kid, a little
on da normal side for dis place, but... anyways, I wouldn't worry 'bout
Arnold if I was youse."
     "But, won't he file another complaint when he finds out you tore up
that one?" Lola wasn't one to be intimidated, but she did have her
concerns that Arnold could make trouble for her; after all, she'd run
into his type countless times before.
     Bugs appeared unconcerned. "Who's gonna tell him? _I_ coitanly
ain't! Besides, even if he _did_ find out, he'd still have ta take his
gripe to da head of da grievance committee... an' of course, if he did
dat, den _you'd_ have ta appear in front o' him, too." Bugs was
completely relaxed by now.
     "I'm... I'm not intimidated by that neanderthal," Lola said, screwing
up her courage. _Let_ him complain, I can handle it. By the way... who
_is_ the head of the grievance committee?"
     Bugs gave her a sly smile. "Speakin'..."
     A relieved Lola completely surprised Bugs by... crying? Lola? Bugs
took her in his arms to comfort her. "Hey, heyyyy, what's wit' da tears,
kid?" Lola didn't answer right away. Instead, she cried on Bugs's shoulder
for a while, before finally gaining control of herself.
     "Bugs, that's... that's the nicest thing that's happened to me since I
came here... I could've lost my job because..."
     "Not while _I'm_ in charge, ya ain't. Rank _does_ have its' priv'leges,
after all. Anyways, Arnold got exactly what he desoived. He instigated da
t'ing, not you. You was merely defendin' yerself and da honor o' your team...
eh, bowlin' ball, was it?"
     Lola nodded, that ever-so-appealing smile returning to her face. "Yeah,
bowling ball... 16 pounder."
     Bugs chuckled, then laughed out loud. "Oh, dat's good, dat's _good_,
I'da _never_ t'ought o' _dat_ one, heeheeheeheehee..."
     "Then... then I'm _not_ in trouble?" Lola asked with a degree of
uncertainty.
     "Naaah, just go 'bout yer business. As far as I'm concoined, it never
happened. Arnold, of course, might see it diff'rently..."
     "And... what if he tries to make trouble for me again?"
     A wicked grin appeared on Bugs's face. "Den give 'im more o' da same,
wit' my blessin'! Besides, I _like_ hearin' 'im try an' talk in dat high- pitched
voice. Kinda sounds like a mouse at anudder studio, heeheeheehee..."
Lola began laughing as well, and then impulsively kissed Bugs full on the
mouth...

                                   -0-

     Sylvia J. Pussycat, secretary extraordinare to Bugs Bunny, was calmly
taking the latest intimate relations quiz in Cosmeowpolitan when she
suddenly became aware of the presence of someone in front of her reception
desk. Looking up, and trying to quickly stash the magazine, she was
surprised to see...
     "Honey?"
     "Hi, Sylvia," the gray fembunny smiled. "Is Bugsy in?"
     The blonde pussycat nodded hesitantly. "He's in, all right, but he's in
conference right now, and left strict orders not to be disturbed... oh, hi,
Buster!"
     "Hi, Syl... Hon, if Bugs is busy then maybe we should come back at
another time..."
     "No, Buster, I've already made a fool of myself today over something
that was completely meaningless, and this is my chance to make it right while
I still can... if he'll let me." Honey sighed. "You know, Buster, I'm glad we
had that talk. You're right, of course, Bugsy wouldn't throw away all our
years together just like that..."
     "Of _course_ he wouldn't. All you'd have to do is look at him to see
that."
     "Hmmm, I thought I saw a question about that in the quiz I was taking,"
Sylvia mused. "Well, Honey, if you're going to barge in on Bugs, shouldn't
I at least announce you?"
     Honey sighed again. "No, Sylvia, I'd rather surprise him," she said,
making her way to the second entranceway to Bugs's office. "I... I hope he
won't be _too_ mad at me," she smiled at Buster, who gave her a thumbs up.
"You know, I almost made the most terrible mistake of my life today." Taking
a deep breath, brushing her ears back and adjusting her hare ribbon, she
quietly opened the door and was about to call Bugs's name when she saw him
engaged in extremely hydraulic liplock with the blonde pneumatic bunny named
Lola. The two were positioned in such a way that they didn't even see Honey.
She stared at them for just a few more seconds, unable to utter a sound.
Then she silently closed the door, and walked back to Sylvia's desk in a daze.
     "Well, that was quick," noted Buster. "Was he still involved in
Looniversity business?"
     Honey took a deep breath and sighed softly, "Yeah... you could say he
was taking care of business, all right..."
     "Was he mad?" asked Sylvia. Honey considered the question for only a
brief nano-second.
     "Mad?... no, Sylvia, he didn't appear to be... in fact, I'd say he seemed
to be enjoying himself..." Then Honey began shaking, crying, and finally
hyperventilating uncontrollably. Buster and Sylvia stared at her, and then
each other. Honey was on the verge of a complete emotional collapse. Sylvia
rushed her chair to Honey, while Buster looked on helplessly. 
     "Honey? Are you all right?" Sylvia asked, a look of total concern on
her face. Honey just shook her head, still hyperventilating, bitter tears
rolling down her whiskers and onto her favorite lavender dress.
     "Is there anything we can do?" asked Buster.
     After a few tense minutes, Honey finally answered. "Yes, there is,"
she sobbed, "you can tell that jerkrabbit that I never want to see or hear
from him again as long as I live!" Before Buster and Sylvia could reply,
Honey bolted out of the chair and down the hall, out the entrance of Acme
Loo and into her car, knocking Daffy over in the process.
     "Hey, what'th the big idea, rabbit? Have you finally flipped?" Daffy
sputtered. But Honey didn't answer. She hopped in her cherry red '66 Mustang
convertible and tore out of the parking lot. Buster and Sylvia just stared
after her.
     "Poor Honey," Buster sighed. "Now, what could have made her act..."
Then he stopped in mid-sentence. "Uh, Sylvia, _who_ was Bugs having that
closed-door conference with?" he asked, afraid of the answer.
     "Lola. Why?... Buster, where are you going?" the blonde cat called after
him. Buster sped to the secondary entrance and silently opened the door a
couple of inches, only to be greeted by the same sight that had sent Honey
crying.
     "Oh, _no_," Buster said softly as he closed the door, and made his way
sadly past Sylvia's desk. "How could I have been so wrong?"
     "Buster?... Buster? What's wrong?" asked Sylvia.
     The blue bunny sighed. "Syl... you _don't_ wanna know..."

                                    -0-

     "Eh... Lola?" Bugs said, finally able to catch his breath.
     "Yes, Bugs?" Lola batted her eyelids flirtatiously.
     "What was dat for?"
     Lola smiled. "The kiss? That was for giving me my job..."
     "Hey, I didn't give you nuthin'! You _oined_ yer job here..." Bugs
said in protest.
     "And it was also for saving it for me," the blonde and tan bunny added.
     "Eh, glad ta do it, kid, but, um, could youse do me a great big favor
in da immediate future? If ya ever feel grateful again, could youse maybe
keep da t'anks to a simple handshake?"
     Lola was taken aback by this request. Immediately, she breathed into
the palm of her left hand, sniffed, and said, "Don't tell me I offend..."
     Bugs laughed. "Heeheehee, no, Lola, dere ain't nuthin' offensive about
you; it's just dat, well, s'pose someone woulda walked in just den and seen
us playin' tag team liplock. It wouldn'ta looked very good fer eider of us."
     "I'm... not sure I follow you," Lola said, slightly puzzled.
     "She's _gotta_ be kiddin' me," Bugs thought to himself, "nobody can be
_dat_ naive an' kiss like dat!" Clearing his throat, he said, "People'd t'ink
 da only reason you got yer job here at all was because you and me was
....eh... involved in... 'extra-curricular activities'?"
     "What??? I wouldn't _ever_ resort to using..." a shocked Lola said.
     "Look, kid, _you_ knows dat, an' _I_ knows dat, but I don't know dat
anyone _else_ knows dat! Besides, rumors have a way o' spreadin' like...
like..." Bugs struggled to find the exact word.
     "Wildfire?" offered Lola.
     "Exactly! An' _doubly_ so around a school, an' _especially_ 'round
Acme Loo! So, ta avoid any kinda scandal, could youse possibly..."
     Lola read Bugs's thoughts. "A handshake instead of a kiss?" she smiled
coyly. "Okay, sure, I can live with that."
     "Good," Bugs said, relieved. "Besides, dere's someone who might not
understand..."
     "Oh? A girl?" Lola asked.
     "Well, what else? You t'ink I _like_ kissin' all dose guys in dem films?"
an indignant Bugs asked.
     "Sorry, Bugs," Lola laughed. "What's she like?"
     Bugs thought for a second and a half. "What's she like? Well, she likes
walkin' in da spring rain, ridin' horses, playin' guitar, sad movies, big
band music, mashed potatoes..."
     Lola gave a sigh of exasperation. "Bugs..."
     "Huh?...OH! You meant what IS she like?" he laughed. "Well, she's like
no udder goil I ever met. Known her since she was a kid..."
     "Well, sounds like it's a long-term deal," Lola smiled.
     "No question dere," Bugs agreed.
     Lola sighed. "Well, if you've found someone that you can have a long
term relationship with, then I'm happy for you. Will I ever get to meet her?"
     "Funny you should mention dat. You coulda met her today. She teaches here!
Or, she was s'posed to... I don't know what's been keepin' her..." Lola studied
Bugs's expression for a moment, but couldn't be sure what he was thinking.
     "This girl... does she have a name?"
     "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure she does. Her boith name is Mary Margaret McPherson."
     "Hmm... that's an odd name for a rabbit," Lola mused.
     "Yeah," agreed Bugs, "but nobody ever calls her by _dat_ name. She just
goes by her nickname..."
     "A nickname, eh? What's she called?" Before Lola got an answer, her pager
went off rather insistently. "Oh, not again! Um, Bugs, can I go? I don't have
any other classes today, and I've _really..."
     Bugs waved her off. "Say no more, Lola; if ya got a hot an' heavy date
_dis_ oily in da day, I ain't gonna keep ya from it."
     "Well, it isn't anything like that, Bugs, but..."
     "Go already, would yas?" Bugs laughed. "We'll talk later!"
     Lola left through the main entrance to Bugs's office, and almost bumped
into Buster, who was absent-mindedly walking through the hallway. "Oh,
excuse me, Buster, I didn't see you..."
     "I _guessed_ that," he sighed heavily. This puzzled Lola. Even though she
was in a hurry, she could stand to take the time to see what was troubling
Buster.
     "Buster, are you feeling okay? You seem, well, depressed about something,"
Lola said, removing one of her gloves and feeling Buster's forehead. "Hmm, no
fever..."
     "I don't think you'd understand," Buster sighed.
     Lola smiled enticingly. "Oh, I don't know, I _might_. Let me guess..."
     "Lola, please, I'm really not up for guessing games right now..." But
Lola would not be denied her chance to play amateur shrink.
     "Buster," she said softly, "I'll bet it has something to do with a girl,
am I right?"
     Buster slumped his shoulders. "...sigh... yeah..."
     "A very _special_ girl? Hm?" Lola asked, prodding Buster.
     "Sigh..._I_ think so..."
     Lola smiled winsomely. "And you thought I wouldn't understand..." Her
pager went off again, interrupting her thoughts. "Why did I ever get one of
these things?" Turning to Buster, she said, "Look, I've really gotta run, but
you know who'd be better to talk to about this girl problem?"
     "Sigh... who?"
     "What do you mean, who? Who else? Bugs! He sure took care of _my_
problems..."
     "I'll just _bet_ he did..."
     Lola stared at Buster. "Huh?"
     "Oh... nothing, I'll see you later, Lola, okay?"
     "Ummm... ohhhh-kayyyy," Lola said warily as her pager went off again. "All
right, already, I'm coming!" And with that, Lola was gone. Buster sighed
heavily, walked back to the secondary entrance to Bugs's office, opened
the door, and saw Bugs searching all over his desk for something... and
whatever it was, he couldn't find it.
     "Now, where in da heck... it was right here dis mornin'..." Bugs looked
up from his search long enough to see Buster at the door. "Oh, hi, son,
c'mon in, I'll be wit' ya in a second..." Buster walked in half-heartedly
and had a seat while Bugs resumed his desktop search. Whatever Bugs was
looking for, Buster decided, it was of more importance than whatever Buster's
problem happened to be. "It can't have just walked outta here under its' own
power," Bugs said. Then something in his wastebasket caught his attention.
"What da... now, _how_ da heck did ya get in _dere_?" Bugs reached in and
took out an 8x10 picture frame. Taking a tissue from his desk, he cleaned
the glass and looked admiringly at the picture the frame contained. "Da
garbage is da _last_ place in da woild _you_ belong, Duchess," he said to
the picture, giving it a quick kiss and putting it back on the desk corner.
     "'Duchess'?" Buster thought. "Wait a minute, there's only _one_ girl
he calls that..."
     Bugs looked back at his son. "I'll be right wit' ya, Buster. I'm gonna
go get me a carrot. You want one?"
     "Ummm... no, go ahead."
     "Eh, t'anks, kid," Bugs smiled, and left his office momentarily. Buster
made a beeline to Bugs's desk to have a look at the picture, and his mood
brightened considerably when he saw the picture was...
     "Honey," Buster sighed.
     "Eh, whose else's picture did ya expect ta see on my desk--me?" Bugs
said, nearly giving Buster a quick cardiac arrest.
     "Don't scare me like that, dad!" Buster said, taking a deep breath.
     Bugs took a bite of carrot. "Eh, okay, how _would_ ya like me to scare
ya?" Then he cast another look at the picture. "Nice pic, ain't it? Alt'ough
I t'ink yer a little _young_ ta be lookin' at her in _dat_ pose."
     "Well, I..." Buster started, then stopped, looked at the picture again,
and did a triple-take. "Hey! She's..."
     "Yeah, I know," Bugs laughed. "Dis is somet'in' she posed for last year.
It's da only full-figure nude glamour shot she ever did... too bad, too. I
t'ink she looks nice au naturel, but, well, she grew up wearin' clothes, she
feels more comfort'ble with 'em on, so..." He sighed. "Anyways, we'll talk
about Miss August later, heeheeheeheehee. Now, what'd ya wanna see me about,
Buster?"
     "Umm... I'll tell ya later, dad, okay, gotta run, bye-eee!" Quick as a
bunny, Buster was gone. Bugs just shook his head and laughed.
     "Kids," he said to the picture.

                                    -0-

     Babs, Shirley and Fifi arrived at Honey's house at 24 Carrot Lane (after
a brief stop to plan strategy and grab something to eat at Weenie Burger) at
about the same time that Buster'd left Bugs's office. It was a nice looking
house, as far as nice looking houses went, they thought, with an immaculately
kept lawn, a beautiful rose garden with a hummingbird feeder overhead, a porch
swing--complete with porch--and the other small niceties that made Honey's
house a home. Other toons could have their ornate mansions; Honey loved the
simple pleasures in life, and she took great pains to reflect that in her home
as well. The girls walked up the sidewalk, turned at the cobblestone path that
led to the porch, and walked up to the doorbell. Babs's left ear reached over
and pressed the button, and immediately the sounds of a celeste playing "A Taste
Of Honey" rang out.
     "Nice tune," Babs wondered aloud, "I wonder what it's called."
     Shirley and Fifi shrugged. They'd never heard it before, either.
     "Like, I wonder if she's even home," the loongirl said.
     "She _must_ be," Fifi replied. "Zere's her car in le driveway, right
next to ze moving van..." Then the girls did a quadruple-take.
     "MOVING VAN???" they yelled in unison. Without even waiting for an
invitation, the toony trio barged into Honey's home and were greeted by
the sight of a couple dozen neatly stacked and labeled boxes, all taped
up and loaded onto hand trucks. The only thing that wasn't boxed up was
a comfortable sofa, which two rugged moving men were in the process of
lifting. They either didn't notice or seem to care that the sofa was
currently occupied by a crying gray and white fembunny in a lavender
dress, with a matching hare ribbon tied neatly to a small tuft of white
fur between her ears. Babs took one look at this scene, turned to the
other two toonettes, and made a bold pronouncement.
     "I _think_ we came at a bad time," she said, reaching into her skirt
pocket and drawing out two $20 bills, which she teased the moving men with
as though they were dogs being tempted by Frisbees. "Here, boys, fetch!"
Babs said, throwing the two 20's out the door. Immediately, the two movers
set the sofa and bunny down, and greedily chased the money, which a well
timed gust of wind had chosen that moment to carry far, far away. Fifi,
for one, was impressed.
     "How DO vous do zat?" she asked, her eyes wide open.
     Babs shrugged. "It's a gift." The trio then sat beside the still sobbing Honey,
who was laying face down on the sofa, her head nestled in her arms. Babs, who
was seated in between Fifi and Shirley, decided to start the conversation.
     "Ahem... so, otherwise how are things?" Babs asked cheerily.
     "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh," replied Honey Bunny.
     "I see," the pink bunny replied, still cheerful beyond reason. She
turned to Shirley. "Your turn." Shirley leaned over and spoke to Honey,
who was still crying her dark brown eyes out.
     "Can we, like, get you anything or some junk?"
     "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh," answered Honey.
     "Your turn, Fifi," Shirley said.
     "Mmslle. Honey," the coquettish French skunkette began.
     "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH," came
the reply.
     Fifi shrugged. "Zis, to moi, ees _not_, how vous say, le good signal,
non?"
     "Non," Babs and Shirley said. The trio then sat and waited patiently
for Honey's crying jag to slow down long enough so that they could at least
attempt some sort of intelligent conversation. When Honey finally spoke,
every word was separated by heavy sobs.
     "Wh... why (sob) would (sob) Bugsy (sob) DO (sob) this (sob) to (sob)
me?"
     Babs spoke right up. "Maybe he thinks Lola's prettier," she said. Fifi
and Shirley, still seated on either side of Babs, quickly kicked her on the
shins... hard. "OW!" Babs yelled.
     "It's just not fair," sobbed Honey, "I spent nearly all my life trying
to make Bugsy happy, and _she_ comes along from out of nowhere and... and..."
She buried her face in her hands, unable to continue speaking. Fifi attempted
to console her.
     "Cheer up, Mmslle. Honey, zere are plenty of fish in ze ocean!"
     "Like, don't pay any attention to _her_," Shirley said. "Don't try fish--
what _you_ need is a rabbit! Any bunny but Bugs!"
     "I don't _want_ any bunny but Bugs," Honey cried.
     "That jerk?" Babs asked. "I hate to say it, but Shirley's right--the only
way you'll get over your broken heart is to find someone else!"
     "But... but I don't _want_ someone else! I want my jerksy... I mean, my
Bugsy!" Honey cried, breaking down in sobs again. The girls looked at each
other and slowly shook their heads.
     "Boy, she's really got it _bad_ for him, all right," Babs sighed.
     "Like, I wonder what it'd be like to love someone that much," Shirley
thought out loud.
     Fifi sighed wistfully. "Le sigh... I wouldn't know..."
     Babs and Shirley glanced at each other skeptically. "Yeah, right," they
said in unison, completely unconvinced. After a few more minutes, Honey tried
to speak again.
     "Look, I... I know you girls mean well, and that you'd like to help me,
and under other circumstances, I would be grateful, but unless..."
     "Unless NOTHING!" Babs shouted. "Are you just gonna lay down and let that
Lola come in from out of nowhere and take Bugs away from you without a fight?"
     "Why not? She's already done it," Honey cried. "Let's face it, girls, I'm
history. My whole life is ruined..."
     "_You're_ not ruined until _WE_ ruin you!" Babs was really going overboard
now. She had a tendency to let her hyper enthusiasm carry her away, usually
with disastrous results, and this would prove to be one of those times. "Okay,
girls," she said, going into a huddle with Shirley and Fifi, "it's time to
implement 'Operation: Heartbreak'!" The trio quickly whispered things among
themselves that, had she been able to hear, Honey would not have approved of.
     "Newspaper," Babs said. From out of nowhere, Shirley made that day's copy
of The Acme Gazette appear.
     "Like, any particular section?" the loongirl asked.
     "Sports," Babs said.
     "Can I see ze horoscope when vous are done?" asked Fifi.
     "Like, what _for_, they _never_ get it right in _this_ rag!" Shirley
replied, making the rest of the paper disappear, and leaving only the sports
section. Babs quickly grabbed the paper and scanned it until she found what
she wanted.
     "Credit card," Babs said.
     "Anyone's in particular?" Shirley asked.
     "Bugs's," Babs whispered. Instantly, Bugs's Visa Gold card materialized.
Honey made a valiant dash for it, but Babs was just a hare... ahem, _hair_
too quick for her. Honey was now sprawled out flat on the floor.
     "Oh, well," the gray and white fembunny thought, "I'm glad they didn't
take up the carpeting yet..."
     "Cell phone," Babs said. No sooner had the words left Babs's lips than
a cellular phone appeared. No doubt about it--although Buster thought that
Shirley was a real hoot, there were times when she came in real handy. Babs
went into a spin change, and came out of it looking like... Bugs???
     "Babs, I _don't_ know what you've got in mind, but..." Honey began, but
Shirley stopped her.
     "Ssshh, like, I've always wanted to see if she could do _this_ voice,"
the New Age space cadet whispered. Immediately, Babs went into her act.
     "Eh... hello, Ticketmaster?... dis is Bugs... whaddya mean, Bugs _WHO_?...
yeah, heeheeheeheehee, dat's right... ya got any tickets on da bench for da
Lakers/Bulls game t'night?... yeah, I'm gonna need two... yeah, right beside
Phil and Michael... yeah, charge it ta my Visa Gold card... an' could ya have
'em delivered to me office at Acme Loonivoisity?... dat's right... ya can?...
oh, dat'd be great, Doc... oh, I _couldn't_ do dat... dat's Porky's line... oh,
okay, just fer you... 'Eh... Dat's All, Folks!'... well, t'anks!... yeah, I like
her, too... yeah, she's one poil of a goil, all right... an' you'll get 'em
right over to me office at Acme Loo?... great, okay, bye-eee!" Babs hung up,
spun-changed back into her normal (?) self, and Shirley and Fifi applauded
admiringly. Honey, however, was not joining in.
     "Babs Bunny," she began.
     "That's my name, don't wear it out," the pink bunny replied.
     "Babs," Honey sighed, "would you mind telling me just _what_ all that was
about?"
     Babs smiled. "Simple. Lola coaches basketball, right?"
     "Right, I think," Honey replied.
     "And we all know Bugs is a big Bulls fan, right?"
     "I guess so, Babs," Honey said.
     "So, this way, we beat her to the punch and get you and Bugs two benchside
seats for tonight's game! It's foolproof!" Babs gloated.
     Honey was skeptical. "There's just one thing wrong with foolproof plans,"
she said.
     "And what's that?" asked Babs.
     "They're ususally thought up by fools," Honey replied dryly.
     Babs shrugged the comment off. "You'll thank us for this later."
     "We'll see," an unconvinced Honey said.

                                     -0-

     Meanwhile, Buster was waiting impatiently outside Weenie Burger for Mary
Melody. "Come on, Mary, where are you?" he said, continually glancing at his
watch.
     "Right behind you," the pretty black teenager replied, nearly causing
Buster to drop two carry-out sacks.
     "Don't do that, Mary, I almost lost my lunch!" the blue bunny said.
     "That would be a first," Mary smirked.
     "_What_ would?"
     "Losing your Weenie Burger BEFORE eating it," she grinned. Buster thought
about that, then laughed along with Mary. For being the most normal kid at
Acme Loo, he thought, Mary was a lot of fun.
     "Here's your lunch, wisegal," Buster chuckled. Mary looked at the bag
with casual disinterest.
     "You didn't get me one of those smiley-face puppy meals or whatever
they're calling them this year, did you?"
     "Now, would I do that to you?" grinned Buster.
     Adopting an Irish brogue, Mary replied, "Hmmm, you _might_, rabbit, you
might..." grinning as she and Buster sat at one of the outside booths. "Hey,
Buster, do you think there's any _meat_ in these things?" she asked with a
justifiable amount of skepticism.
     "If there was, I wouldn't eat it," Buster replied. Mary considered this
for a moment.
     "Do you think _anybody_ knows what's in these things?" she finally asked.
     "If we knew _that_, then _nobody'd_ eat it," the blue rabbit said matter
of factly.
     Mary shrugged. "I suppose..." As she and Buster ate, she had the sudden
uncomfortable feeling that they were being... watched.
     "Buster..."
     "Yeah, I know, Mary," he whispered. "Just play along, okay?" Obviously,
Buster was aware they were being spied on, and he knew by who. Inching closer
to Mary and giving her a surreptitious wink, he took her in his arms as if he
was going to kiss her passionately. "Oh, my darling," he said, clearly playing
this over-the-top, "I have waited for this moment for an endless eternity..."
Mary was startled, until she saw Buster mouth one word: "Plucky." Then she
caught on, grinned and winked, and took up the ridiculous dialogue.
     "...and I have waited for you, my passionate living throw rug of joy,"
doing her best Susan Lucci imitation. "Minutes have turned to hours, hours
have turned to days, days have turned to months, months have turned to..."
She paused slightly. "No, they _couldn't_ have turned to _years_..." Then
really pouring it on, she said boldly, "Months have turned to _weeks_!" Buster
pulled her closer to him, and looking in her eyes, positioning her so that he
could see Plucky's reflection in them, he smiled wickedly.
     "Are you ready for this moment, my love?"
     "Ready as I'll ever be, my dearest," Mary grinned, seeing Plucky hiding
in the bushes behind them. "1..." she whispered.
     "2..." Buster whispered back.
     Then, turning at the shouted count of "3!" Buster and Mary gave Plucky
a well-deserved Bronx cheer right in his face. The bunny and the girl fell
down laughing, while a flustered Plucky took out a handkerchief and wiped his
face off.
     "Very funny, _very_ funny!" groused Plucky. "Just wait 'til I tell Babs!"
     "Tell her what?" laughed Mary, "that we spit in your face?"
     "Yeah, that'll teach you to spy on us," Buster grinned.
     "No thanks, I already know how," the silly green duck answered, trying to
regain what little dignity he had.
     "Surrrrrre you do," kidded Buster. "Well, as long as you're here, you
may as well join the party."
     "You... aren't gonna spit on me again, are you?" Plucky asked warily.
     "Depends on your behavior," Mary grinned. As Plucky slid into the seat
beside her, Buster asked, "So, what did you learn?"
     "That if you spy on your friends, they spit on you," Plucky began.
     "Not _you_, _her!_" Buster snapped.
     Mary took a sip of her soda. "Well, Lola took off from Bugs's office in
a hurry, like she had someplace to go..."
     "And, _did_ she?" Buster asked. Plucky leaned over to hear, his own
natural nosiness now aroused.
     "Yeah, did she?" he echoed.
     "She did," Mary said. "I had to dodge all the red lights in town just to
keep up with her."
     "And, did you?" asked Buster.
     "Yeah, did you?" Plucky repeated.
     Mary looked annoyed. "Is there an echo out here?"
     "Naah," Buster casually remarked, "just a silly duck."
     "Yeah," Plucky said, "just a silly du... HEY!"
     "Anyway," Mary said, taking another sip of soda, "I did manage to catch
up with her. I made sure I stayed out of sight..."
     "You always knew that tabloid training would pay off some day!" Plucky
started. Mary shoved her Weenie Burger in his bill.
     "Go on, eat, you're not fat enough," Mary said coldly. "Anyway, you know
where she was?"
     "Of _course_ not," Buster said, "that's why I wanted you to follow her!"
     "Mmmph grr wllr pleb fmrt," Plucky mumbled, trying like the dickens to
eat that lousy Weenie Burger, which was as much a losing battle for him as
playing jacks against himself. Mary cleared her throat, and motioned Buster
closer to whisper in his ear. When she did, his ears stood straight up.
     "No kidding! I wonder what she'd be doing there," Buster mused.
     "Doing where?" Plucky finally managed to ask.
     "I don't know, Buster," Mary sighed. "She was in and out so fast that I
lost her trail..."
     "Well, it's a start, anyway," Buster said. "What could she possibly be
doing going to a place like that, I wonder?"
     "A place like what?" Plucky asked impatiently.
     "Well, whatever reason she had," Mary said, "she must not have wanted
to be seen coming out of there."
     "Coming out of where?" demanded Plucky.
     "I wonder if this has anything to do with Bugs," Buster thought aloud.
     "I couldn't say," Mary sighed.
     "Yes, you could! You're training in TV news, you're SUPPOSED to be a
blabbermouth!" Plucky shouted. Mary took the sack from her take-out lunch
and swiftly placed it over Plucky's head.
     "In the immortal words of Shirley McLoon, 'like, bag your face, duck!',"
Mary said, quite fed up with Plucky for one lifetime. "Which reminds me, have
you had a casualty report from The Amazing Three yet?"
     Buster sighed, "Not yet... but I have a feeling it's only a matter of
time. Come on, let's see how much damage they've done." Buster and Mary got
up and left Plucky, still seated at the outdoor booth with a bag over his
head. Hamton came by, saw the bag with webbed feet, and dutifully stuffed
it in a nearby trashcan, just in time for the Acme Garbage truck to come by
and make its daily pickup from Weenie Burger.
     "This just isn't one of my days," Plucky thought as he was thrown into
the garbage truck...

                                     -0-

     As it turned out, Buster and Mary arrived a little too late to do any
damage control, for by the time they'd reached Honey's house, The Amazing
Three + one gray and white (and very confused) fembunny weren't there.
Shirley had telepathically teleported themselves to Acme Looniversity, just
outside of Bugs's office, moments before the basketball tickets were to
arrive.
     "Like, this is the _only_ way to travel," Shirley smiled. Fifi was
trying to get her bearings.
     "Zut alors! Zat was, how vous say..."
     Babs finished Fifi's thought. "Quite a rush?" she asked breathlessly.
     "Speak for yourself," a queasy Honey Bunny stated, her stomach not used
to this form of travel.
     "If I could speak for myself, then Tress MacNeille wouldn't have a..."
Stern looks from the others gave Babs a clear indication that she'd better
cool it then and there. "Oh, yeah," she said to the camera, "forgot... Buster
_did_ that joke already." Returning to the task at hand, Babs fished through
her skirt pockets until she found Bugs's credit card. Time was of the essence
now; Shirley had to zap the card back into Bugs's wallet before he missed it,
and before the tickets arrived. "Quick, Shirl!" Babs whispered.
     "Excuse me? I have some basketball tickets for a Bugs Bunny," said a
delivery boy who looked slightly familiar, with the name "Keanu" across his
shirt pocket.
     "Like, oops, too late," whispered Shirley. Babs, however, took it all in
stride.
     "Well, _you_ certainly showed up early," she said nonchalantly.
     "Yeah," Keanu said. "Fortunately, I caught this speeding bus..."
     "Why didn't I see that one coming?" Babs asked. Fifi and Shirley simply
shrugged, while Honey wanted to go hide... anywhere.
     "Anyway, is Mr. Bunny in? I have to collect for these tickets," Keanu
continued. Babs fidgeted momentarily, then inspiration hit her.
     "Uh, collect for the... oh, yeah! Hahahahahahaha, right! What _was_ I
thinking of?" Flashing Bugs's plastic cash, the pink bunny adlibbed like
she'd never adlibbed before. "You see, Mr. Bunny is a very busy cartoon
character! He's so busy, in fact, that he can't even take the time to pay for
his own basketball tickets! So, that's why he hires us pretty girls, to handle
all his shopping for him! It's called the law of supply and demand, see?"
Actually, Keanu _didn't_; but Babs had the gift of gab, and she seemed so darn
convincing, that the delivery boy just took her explanation as fact. "Visa
Gold acceptable?" Babs asked, a winsome smile on her face.
     "Yeah, whatever, as long as they get paid, they don't care what color the
cash comes in," Keanu said, running the credit card through a portable
scanner, just to see if Bugs's credit was good (and it always was), and then
running it through his receipt tray.
     "Zat ees what makes zis country so great," Fifi gushed, "people zat take
pride in zere work!"
     "If you say so," Keanu shrugged, handing Babs the card, the receipt amd
the precious basketball tickets. "Enjoy the game," he said as he left.
     Babs gloated over the trio's good luck. "Wow! This is even _better_ than
what we planned! Okay, Shirl... now!" Shirley quickly zapped the credit card
back into Bugs's wallet. Babs tucked the receipt into her skirt, and placed
the tickets into a plain envelope. Turning to Honey, she asked, "Have you got
a pen on you?"
     Honey began searching herself. "I think so, I... wait a minute! Babs..."
She gave The Amazing Three a scornful look. "I don't want any part of this,
and I think it would be a good idea if you..."
     "Too late, Honey. The wheels have already started turning! You couldn't
stop this even if you wanted to, hahahahahaha..." Babs said, laughing like a
power-crazed rabbit (which, of course, she was).
     "But, Babs, I _DO_ want to stop this! If I'm going to get Bugsy back,
which I think is pretty doubtful, then I'd like to do it on my own terms,"
Honey said. But her argument went nowhere. In the meantime, Shirley had come
up with a pen and handed it to Babs.
     "Okay, Honey," Babs commanded, handing the envelope to her, "write!"
     "Write? Write what?" Honey asked, slightly confused. Babs thought for a
moment. Then, a small floodlamp appeared over her head.
     "Got it! Write, 'Bugsy--care to join me for a game tonight?' and sign
it, 'You-know-who.' _That'll_ get his attention!"
     "But, Babs, I _never_ sign ANYTHING 'You-know-who,'" Honey protested.
     "Well, it's time you learned how," Babs replied. "And if you don't, we
will." Normally, Honey would have had the strength of character not to let
this demented threesome take sudden charge of her romantic life; but right now,
Honey was so confused, so upset, and so lacking in her own self-confidence
that all reason had left her. And if this ploy was going to get her Bugsy back
to her, and away from that... that... that Lola... then so be it. Reluctantly,
Honey followed Babs's instructions. Taking the signed envelope with a curt
"Thank yew," Babs slipped it halfway under Bugs's office door, knocked
three times, and then, with Honey and the other girls close behind, hid
around the corner. Sure enough, Bugs opened the door, just as Babs had
thought he would.
     "What now?" whispered Honey.
     "We wait," Babs replied.
     "Hey, dere, who comes knockin' at me door?" Bugs asked, annoyed at not
seeing anybody there. "Fine t'ing, playin' pranks at dis time o' day," he
grumbled. He was about to close the door when he noticed the envelope.
"Well, what do we have here?" he asked, picking the envelope up, reading the
message written on it, then opening it and removing the two tickets. "Well,
I'll be... heeheeheeheehee... what a goil!" he chuckled.
     From their hidden vantage point, The A.T. and Honey watched as Bugs went
back to his desk. "All right, Honey, it's working! You know what he's gonna
do next?" asked an excited Babs.
     "I'm sure I haven't got the slightest idea," Honey replied.
     "Like, it's so obvoius, I'm _sure_," Shirley said. "He's gonna try to
call you at home, or some junk!" Sure enough, Bugs was seated at his desk
and reaching for his phone. Honey's spirits soared, until she remembered
that she'd had her home phone disconnected.
     "I've got to go to him," she said excitedly, happier than she'd been
all day. But before she could get to his office, her big ears caught the
conversation that Bugs seemed to be having. "Wait a minute, who's he talking
to?"
     "Be quiet and we'll _all_ know," Babs whispered. Moving closer to Bugs's
door, they heard him mutter, "Man, I just _hate_ gettin' answerin' machines...
yeah, yeah, wait for da beep..." Honey exchanged puzzled looks with the girls.
Finally, Bugs spoke into the phone. "Yeah, Lola? Eh, sorry I couldn't catch
ya at home, dis is Bugsy... I mean, Bugs... t'anks for da tickets, I didn't even
know MJ and da gang was in town t'night, and dese prob'ly set ya back some,
but I'm afraid I ain't gonna make it, I'm gonna be tied up at da Loonivoisty
all night. So, youse can come by an' pick 'em up anytime at my office... hey,
ya might ask Buster! He _loves_ a good basketball game! Heeheeheeheehee..."
     After the initial shock wore off, the girls and Honey slowly made their
way to the circular entranceway of Acme Loo. Honey was in too much of a daze
to even think straight. "Lola," she said numbly, "he thought they were from
Lola..."
     "Why would he even _think_ of palming her off on Buster?" Babs asked,
also numbly. "Buster's _mine_... isn't he?"
     "Like, mondo negatory bad vibes, or some junk," mumbled Shirley.
     Fifi sighed, "So _zis_ ees Romantic Hell." Then she sighed again for
something to do. Then, without warning, Babs became very angry.
     "Well, if he thinks he's gonna unload that tramp of a bunny onto MY guy,
he's got another think coming! I'll..."
     "Babs," Honey said weakly, "I don't think it's going to work."
     "What isn't?" the pink bunny asked.
     "Whatever you're thinking of, that's what!" Honey began crying again. "I
can't possibly compete with someone like Lola, she's younger, she's prettier,
she's..."
     "Like, she's taking your guys from you, is what she's doing!" Shirley
said angrily. "I mean, if she's going after Bugs and Buster, who's going to
be... next..." Then a horrid thought crossed her mind. "She'd better NOT try
for Plucky!" Immediately, storm clouds gathered on the horizon, lightning
flashed, dogs howled, mothers took their children off the street, truck
drivers cowered in their 18-wheelers in fear...
     "Shirley," Fifi said calmly, "what would zat Lola trampette want weeth
lunchmeat like Plucky?" That made Shirley stop and think. Immediately, the
storm clouds went away, the lightning stopped, dogs went back to sleep,
mothers put their children back on the streets, and truck drivers sat up
straight in the cabs of their 18-wheelers, no longer living in fear of an
angry Loongirl with enough psychic energy in her to cause considerable
damage.
     Suddenly, Babs brightened. "Hey, wait a minute! Of _course_! _Why_ didn't
we think of this _before_?"
     "Think of _what_ before?" a nervous Honey asked.
     "Isn't it obvious? We fight flash with flash!" Babs grinned.
     Fifi smiled. "Zut alors! But of _course_! Eet's so simple! We turn Shirley
loose on zis Lola and blast her out of ze city limits!"
     "Like, I'm willing, if you're sure nobody'll ask questions," Shirley said.
     "I don't think anybody'll..." Honey began, then she stopped and thought
about what she was contemplating. She shook her head insistently. "No, I can't
even _consider_ anything like that! Not for even a moment!" Shirley and Fifi
gazed at her with surprised looks. "I'm sorry, but I was brought up to believe
that it's wrong to hurt someone, no matter what the reason... I just can't give
my approval to something like this..."
     "Honey, I admire your ethics or whatever you call 'em," Babs said, "but
I wasn't thinking in those terms."
     "Well, then _what_?" Honey, Shirley and Fifi asked.
     Babs grinned. "Honey, how long have you been around?"
     The gray and white fembunny didn't even have to think over the answer to
that one. "Thirty years, give or take a few months, why?"
     "All right," Babs continued, "would you consider yourself beautiful?"
     Honey sighed. "Beauty is a relative term, Babs."
     "I didn't ask about your relatives, I asked about you. Do you consider
yourself beautiful?" Honey gave the matter a moment's thought before she
finally answered.
     "I've never really thought so," she admitted. "Bugsy always did, though.
I guess that was one of the reasons I went into modeling, to see if I could
make myself pretty in Bugsy's eyes. But, he always seemed to like me for what
I was naturally, not what I could put on." She paused. "Does that make any
kind of sense?"
     The Amazing Three shook their heads. "Not to us, no," Babs replied.
     "Why doesn't that surprise me?" Honey sighed helplessly. Without
waiting for any sort of reply, Babs sat Honey down on the steps of
Acme Loo.
     "Let me tell you something about guys," Babs began.
     "You can't figure them out, either?" asked Honey.
     Babs shrugged. "What can I say? She got me on that one."
     "If I had any sense at all," Honey continued, "I'd put a stop to this
right here and now..."
     "Like, as if you could," Shirley said.
     "What do you mean, if you had any sense at all?" Babs asked. "You've
got more sense in your big finger than you have in your little finger!"
     Honey regarded Babs with an icy stare. "Thanks for the compliment.
And what I mean is, I'm putting my entire romantic future in the hands of
three girls who couldn't collectively get a spark of _anything_ going if
they had two sticks, a handful of dry grass, some flint and a bucket of
kerosene! What in the world makes you think you know _anything_ about
long-term relationships?"
     Babs just let the comments slide. "I know someone who didn't kiss
Mr. Sunshine today," she said with a patronizing tone.
     Honey was becoming just a little angry by now. "Of _course_ I didn't!
Lola beat me to it!"
     "Babs," Fifi interjected, hoping to avoid a catastrophe--or at the
very least, bloodshed--"why did vous want to know if Mmslle. Honey
thought she was beautiful?"
     "Thanks for reminding me, Fifi. It all goes back to what you said in
the locker room today about vanilla ice cream," Babs replied. "And Honey
is nice, like vanilla ice cream, but she has no... that is, she hasn't
got any... I mean, she just hasn't got enough..." She was trying to come
up with the right phrase that best described Honey without offending her;
unfortunately, it was a little too late for that.
     "Thank you for boosting my ego," Honey said with about as much
excitement as a 25 cent tour of a mudhole. "I already _said_ I don't
think of myself as beautiful, I know I'm plain, and I'm happy with that..."
     "Who are you trying to kid, Honey?" Babs challenged. "If you _were_
happy being plain, you'd have never gone into modeling, and you wouldn't
be concerned over Lola's being prettier than you." At that, Honey became
defensive.
     "WHO'S concerned over Lola being prettier?" she yelled.
     "YOU are, you said so yourself!" Babs yelled back.
     "I did?" Then Honey remembered that scene in her living room. "Oh, my
Lord, I did..." She buried her head in her hands again and started to cry.
"When did I start to lose it?" she asked in between sobs.
     "When Lola came here, but if things work out, you might be able to get
it back," Babs assured her. "Shirley, we need to get Honey home a.s.a.p.
and fast!"
     "Like, there's good sentence structure, or some junk," the loongirl
smiled.
     "Shirley, can you please at least wait until I take a Dramamine or..."
Honey began. But before she could finish, Shirley did her thing and ZAP!
The Amazing Three + one _thoroughly_ confused fembunny were gone, at the
very second that Bugs opened the double doors of the entranceway.
     "Hey, could youse keep da..." Bugs stopped, then looked around. "Hm,
guess dere's no one here. Strange," he said as he turned to go back inside,
"I coulda _sworn_ I hoid Honey Bunny..."

                                     -0-

     "Buster, would you mind telling me what we're doing here?" Mary asked
as she and the blue bunny sat in the outer office of what had to be the
last real estate agency they'd visited since lunch. "You haven't begun to
take that silly scene at Weenie Burger's seriously, have you?"
     Buster smiled. "Sorry, Mary, I like you, but you're just not my type."
     "Meaning...?"
     "Meaning, you ain't got fur all over your body," Buster grinned.
     "Heaven forbid!" Mary grined back. "Now, why have we been going to real
estate offices? Shouldn't we be tracking down Lola?"
     "That's exactly what we're doing," Buster replied. "I thought it'd be
easier to find her than to try and keep track of Honey and the girls, but
I'm beginning to have my doubts about that, too. The crummy school computer
won't give us her home address, and Lola doesn't seem like the kind of girl
who'd be all that crazy about living in a hole in the ground, so..."
     "Excuse me," an attractive woman in a smartly-tailored business suit
said, "can I help you?" Buster and Mary took a good look at her, and noticed
that she was a very attractive strawberry blonde... rat.
     "Yeah, we hope so," Buster began, then he stared harder. "Pardon me, but
have we met somewhere before?"
     "I don't _think_ so," the rat smiled, "unless you know my daughter."
     "Your daughter?" asked Mary. Then something clicked in Mary's mind.
"Wait! Your daughter's name wouldn't happen to be 'Rubella,' by any chance?"
     "By _every_ chance, it is!" The rat offered a friendly paw to Mary and
Buster. "My name's Rhonda. And you must be Buster Bunny."
     "Guilty as charged," he laughed. "And this is..." he started to say as
a way of introduction, but Rhonda beat him to it.
     "Mary Melody," she said. "I've seen you play b-ball against my daughter
dozens of times. Girl, you've got some moves on you!"
     "Why, thank you," Mary said. "Coming from the mom of one of the enemy,
I consider that high praise! I'm looking forward to more of the same this
year..."
     Rhonda sighed heavily. "I hate to disappoint you, Mary, but Ruby's
dropped out of Perfecto this year." This was definitely news to Buster and
Mary.
     "What? Why? I play my best b-ball against Ruby! Nothing's happened to
her, has it?"
     "No, she's fine, I guess. She just wouldn't say why. Ruby's been, well,
having some personal problems lately... so personal, she won't even tell me
what's bothering her... but something is, a mother can always tell." Rhonda
sighed again. "Anyway, with me working full-time now at the office, I don't
have anyone to watch Roberta--that's my four-year-old, going on five--so,
until Ruby decides what she wants to do next with her life, she's staying
home watching her sister." She paused, then said, "Well, I'm sure you two
didn't come here to hear me talk about my home life. What can I do for you?"
Buster and Mary smiled. They liked this rat, and wondered why Ruby didn't
take after her.
     "We're hoping you might have rented or sold a house to one of our
teachers in the last couple of days. She's new to the neighborhood, and..."
Buster started.
     Rhonda smiled an all-knowing smile. "And, your crummy school computer
won't give her address to you and this is the last real estate office you've
come to in hopes of tracking her down, right?"
     Mary gasped in amazement. "Wow! You don't happen to know Shirley, do
you?"
     Rhonda continued to smile. "Shirley _WHO_?"
     "Never mind," Mary said. "If you have to ask..."
     "Anyway, Mrs. Rat," Buster said in an attempt to get back on track,
"it's really important. Did a Lola Bunny rent or buy a place from you?"
     Rhonda sat on the corner of her desk and adopted a thoughtful look.
"Hmm...Lola Bunny, Lola Bunny...that seems familiar...3' 2", blue-green
eyes, blonde hairdo, with a figure that turns men's heads and sensible
women jealous?"
     "Go no further," exclaimed Buster, "that's HER!"
     Rhonda still had that thoughtful look. "Hmm... I'll bet right now that
you're expecting me to say, 'Nope, never heard of her,' right?"
     "That thought has crossed our minds," Mary said, expecting the worst.
     "Then I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed," Rhonda grinned,
"because I rented a two-bedroom home to her just yesterday!"
     "You did? Great! Where is it?" Buster asked. Rhonda adopted a look of
complete uncertainty, however.
     "Um, Buster," she said, somewhat hesitantly, "I don't know if I should
tell you or not. You see, Lola asked me not to divulge that information in
case anybody asked..."
     "Oh, great," Mary sighed, "a brick wall, my favorite."
     Buster, on the other hand, would not be so easily discouraged. "Please,
Mrs. Rat, it's _really_ important..."
     If there was one thing that Rhonda couldn't stand, it was a pleading
rabbit. "Oh, for heaven's sake, call me Rhonda..."
     "Okay," Buster grinned, "Help me, Rhonda..."
     "Thank you for not singing, by the way," the femrat smiled. "Is it
_really_ really important, or just really important?"
     Buster looked at her with "Sympathy Take # 37: Big, Sad Puppy Dog
Eyes." "Yes, Rhonda, it's _really_, _really_ REALLY important! Honey
Bunny's future happiness depends on it!"
     Rhonda took on a surprised look. "Honey Bunny? Isn't that Bugs Bunny's
girlfriend?"
     "She thought so up until today," Mary replied sadly.
     Rhonda considered this for a brief second. Getting involved in other
toons' romantic affairs was normally something she shied away from, but
there was something in the way Mary said that line that intrigued her.
Quickly, Rhonda took out a pen and wrote an address on the back of one of
her business cards and handed it to Mary. "I'm probably going to catch
heck for doing this," she sighed to herself. "Just remember, if Lola asks,
you didn't get this from me."
     "Gotcha, Rhonda," Buster said, as he and Mary made their way out the
door of her office. "Thanks!"
     "It was nice meeting you," Mary said as Buster pulled her out the door.
     "Same here," Rhonda replied. "Good luck!"
     "Thanks," Mary called back, "we're gonna need it." Once outside, she and
Buster made their way to her car, climbed in the front seat, folded their
arms across the dashboard, and rested their heads for several silent minutes,
not saying a word. Finally, a question from Mary broke the silence.
     "Buster?"
     "Yeah?"
     "What's our next move?"
     Buster had been anticipating that question (he wasn't Captain of the
Acme Loo Debating Team for nothing), and had a ready answer. "_My_ next
move is to go back to the Loo and follow Bugs around for the rest of the
day. As much as he's been talking about working late at the office, I also
know that he can't stand being cooped up in one place for too long. Sooner
or later, he's gonna get away from the Looniversity for a while, and it's
my guess that he's gonna pay a call on Lola. I don't know why, or how, but
I have a feeling he's gonna head over there before the day is over. Lemme
see that address again." Mary handed him the card. Buster memorized the
address and handed the card back to Mary. "Thanks. Now, while I'm doing
that, why don't you go see if you can find Honey? Unless I miss my guess,
she's probably at home. But if Babs and the girls are there, then don't
let them see you. Just keep an eye on them, take notes if you have to, and
then meet me outside Lola's place, say, around 7:00."
     "Got it," Mary said, then added, "Why 7:00?"
     "Why not? I have a feeling whatever's gonna happen isn't gonna happen
until nighttime, and 7:00 is as good a time as any. Besides, there isn't
anything good on TV tonight."
     "Is there _ever_?" Mary asked skeptically. Several more minutes of
silence passed, until Mary broke the quiet with another question.
     "Buster?"
     "Yeah?"
     "Have you got your learner's permit yet?"
     "No, why?"
     "Then how about we trade places so I can get behind the wheel and drive?
Otherwise we're gonna be sitting in this parking lot all day!"
     Buster slapped himself on the forehead. "No _wonder_ we weren't moving!"
As Mary slid behind the wheel, Buster thought he heard her say something
uncomplimentary about rabbits in general, and his relatives in particular...

                                    -0-

     ZAP!!!!! Babs, Shirley, Fifi and Honey rematerialized on the sofa in
Honey's living room, which still had neatly stacked moving boxes around it.
     "I'd _almost_ rather ride a roller coaster than go through this again,"
a nauseous Honey Bunny moaned, waiting for her stomach to settle down long
enough for her to throw up. But Babs wasn't going to give her the chance.
     "What time have you got, Shirley?"
     "Like, what are you asking _me_ for? I don't wear watches, they clash
with my biorhythms, or some junk," the loongirl said.
     "Figures," Babs muttered. "Fifi?"
     "Moi believes een Paree, ze time ees..."
     "I don't care what time it is in Paree, I wanna know what time it is in
Acme Acres!" snapped the pink bunny.
     Honey looked weakly at her wristwatch. "It's almost 4:00...why?"
     But Babs didn't answer. Instead, she got up from the sofa, walked to
Honey's front door, opened it, calmly held open her left skirt pocket, and
whistled nonchalantly while the two $20 bills she'd sent flying out the
door earlier that day flew back into her skirt, followed by two out-of-
breath moving men, who collapsed on the doorstep of Honey's porch.
     Babs smiled. "You boys wanna go for double or nothing?" The movers
revived only long enough to scream, hand Babs the keys to the moving van,
and then run as far and fast away from this crazy pink rabbit as they
could.
     "Wow, like, how do you _do_ that?" Shirley asked in amazement.
     Babs shrugged. "Like I said, it's a gift," she smirked, pocketing the
keys. "I get more moving vans that way. Fat lot of good it does me, since
I can't drive... oh, well..." She then turned her attention back to Honey.
"Now, about _you_..."
     "What _about_ me?" Honey replied, her stomach having finally settled
down.
     "Lola seems to be all flash and no substance. If flash is what Bugs
is after, then flash is what he shall get. And if Bugs wants a flashy girl,
then why shouldn't it be you? I mean, you've _got_ the modeling experience
to pull it off, it shouldn't be anything at all for you to take on a new
look..."
     "But, Babs, that's my _job_, taking on different looks. I don't want
to be anything other than myself when I'm not working..."
     Babs disregarded Honey's protest. "Nonsense. You just wait until _we_
get through with you!"
     "Umm... Babs, could you possibly phrase that differently?"
     Babs smiled wickedly. "I _could_, but why bother?" she asked, reaching
into her skirt and pulling out a small white cube with a bright red button
on top.
     Now Honey was really getting nervous. "What's that thing?" she asked
as Fifi and Shirley came up behind her.
     "Oh, just a little 'help,' that's all," Babs replied, setting the cube
on the floor. "Stand back. You'll need to," she warned, as she pressed the
red button. Before Honey's startled eyes, the small cube suddenly became an
enormous professional make-up studio, complete with lighted mirrors, a vast
assortment of organic cosmetics, and a large wardrobe rack literally lined
with every kind of designer dress for any occasion. Babs looked at her watch.
"Okay, it's 4:03. Bugs still has the basketball tickets, game time is 8:00.
This gives us about 3 hours, not counting transportation time and other
unforseen delays and plot complications, to make Honey over so thoroughly
that Bugs won't even recognize her."
     "...and this could be _good_?" Honey asked, uncertain that she wanted
any further part of this... and she didn't. But it was out of her paws now.
     "Like, trust us, 'kay?" Shirley reassured her. "We think we know what
we're doing."
     "Somehow, this does not fill me with comfort," Honey said.
     Babs looked at Honey with the casual disinterest of an Army drill
sargeant. "Okay, Honey," Babs commanded, "strip."
     "What?!?"
     Fifi sighed. "Honestlee, Mmslle. Honey, how do vous expect us to make
vous ovair while you're wearing _zat_ plain outfeet?"
     "But I _like_ this outfit," Honey replied weakly, her resistance
weakening. "It's comfortable, it's sensible, it's..."
     "Dull," Babs said. "Look, do you want Bugs back or don't you?"
     "Well," Honey began.
     "After all," Babs continued, "there's nothing Lola has that you don't.
She just likes to advertise it a little more. Now strip!"
     Reluctantly, Honey slipped out of her favorite form-fitting lavender
dress, and now stood before the girls wearing nothing but her gloves and
a large red bow between her ears. "Okay," she said softly, slightly uneasy
to be in this position. "Now what?"
     Babs walked around Honey, regarding her with a critical eye. "Hmmm...
you work out, don't you?"
     "Well, yes, why?" Honey asked, "am I getting muscles?"
     "With _that_ figure, who needs 'em?" Babs said. "Hon, that's not a bad
lookin' bod for... how old do you admit to being, anyway?"
     "30," Honey replied.
     "Uh-huh," Babs said. "And how old are you _really_?"
     "30," Honey replied.
     "And with a bod like that, Bugs goes after Lola?" Babs shook her head.
"I just hope _I_ look that good when I grow as old as you are!"
     "Thanks for the back-handed compliment, Babs, can I get dressed now?"
Honey responded with an umistakable chill in her voice, which, naturally
enough, Babs ignored completely.
     "Don't mention it, no, and... oh yes... the bow."
     "The bow?" Honey asked. "What about the bow?"
     "The bow's gotta go. It'll clash with the wig."
     "Well," Honey began, "if it'll clash with... WAIT A MINUTE, BABS! _WHAT_
WIG?"
     "_This_ wig," Babs answered, quickly putting a full blonde wig on Honey's
head. "There," she said, adjusting it slightly. "Take a look, and tell me
what you see."
     Honey took one look in the lighted mirror. "I see a naked rabbit with a
blonde wig. This does not look natural, Babs, it'd be like asking me to wear
lipstick..."
     "That comes later," Babs said. "Besides, you want natural, watch 'Wild
Kingdumb.' You want _Bugs_..." Babs left the sentence unfinished. Honey
sighed. She was knee-deep in this hare-brained scheme already, she might as
well go all-out. If she was gonna make a fool of herself, might as well do
it on a grand scale. This was how desperate to keep Bugs she'd become, she
thought sadly to herself... letting this demented trio tell her how to dress.
As Shirley and Fifi, over Honey's objections, began a complete cosmetic
makeover worthy of Barnum & Bailey--with the same outcome--the poor gray
fembunny tried to protest as loudly as she could.
     "But I don't _wear_ make-up!" she screamed as Fifi grabbed a putty knife
and shoved it in a jar of cold cream.
     "Vous do _tonight_!" Fifi cackled maniacally. Whatever Babs had, Fifi'd
caught it. It was only a matter of time before Shirley too would catch MBD
(Mad Babs Disease). Meanwhile, the instigator of this unprovoked attack on
this poor girl who clearly didn't deserve such abuse was going through the
wardrobe rack.
     "Hmm... _somewhere_ in here's a dress that'll knock Bugs's eyes out,"
Babs said to herself, looking at and then rejecting every dress she came to,
with a rationale that only Babs understood. "MMM... no, too plain... no, too
cute... no, too white-bread... AHA! PERFECT!" she finally exclaimed, her eyes
lighting on a firey red wisp of a dress that wasn't all there. "This one is
positively _sinful_!" she laughed.
     Honey turned abruptly to Babs, just in time to miss a huge gob of cold
cream, which Fifi inadvertently smacked Shirley in the face with. "Excuse
me, Babs, but _this_ Bunny doesn't _do_ 'sinful'!" she said with as much
determination as she could.
     "You do _tonight_," Babs snapped back, as Shirley and Fifi grabbed Honey
and began their banzai makeup job again.
     "Mmslle. Honey," Fifi said, applying a garishly glittery purple eye
make-up around Honey's eyes, "how does vous feel about your whiskairs?"
     "I happen to _like_ my whiskers, Fifi, in fact, they've grown rather
attached to me... why?" she asked suspiciously. Then the horror of what Fifi
had in mind came to her. "No, not the whiskers..."
     "Zey'll spoil ze effect eef we don't remove zem," Fifi stated.
     "Yeah, and like, my _grandmother_ has whiskers," Shirley added.
     "A recent national survey found that 85% of most grandmothers do," Babs
said with all the emotion of a commercial.
     "But... but I'm a rabbit! I'm _SUPPOSED_ to have whiskers!" Honey's protest
was all in vain, as Babs approached her with a mad twinkle in her eyes.
     "Trust us, Honey, they're only in the way. And besides, I can promise you
this will be as painless as possible." Babs advanced menacingly.
     Honey whimpered. "Promise?"
     "Promise," Babs said, as she quickly yanked Honey's whiskers--all six of
them--off her face at once.
     Honey's scream shattered the make-up table mirror.
     "Babs!" she shrieked, her paws quickly covering her aching whiskerless
muzzle, "You promised this wouldn't hurt!"
     "It didn't," Babs shrugged. "I didn't feel a thing."
     Honey was getting a little peeved. "You know, you _COULD_ have just taken
an eraser and _ERASED_ them! I _AM_ a _TOON_, you know!"
     Babs slapped herself on the forehead. "_Now_ she tells me. Oh, well, no
harm done. Fifi, finish her off."
     "Can't you put that another way?" Honey cried... and the madness continued,
the girls and their victim unaware that Mary Melody was watching all this
by peeking through Honey's front porch window.
     "Poor Honey," she thought sadly to herself. "Buster's not gonna believe
_this_... and Bugs... well, who _knows_ what Bugs'll think of this... I've gotta
warn them about this..." Before she left, she took one last look in the window,
and was shocked to see the end results of the "makeover". The make-up
was bad enough, but that... that... dress?

                                   -0-

     All the rest of that afternoon, Bugs Bunny had the most uneasy sensation
that someone was peeking over his shoulder. "Nah, dat's silly," he told
himself as he sat in his office, going over administrative paperwork. There
wasn't anybody in the office but him; Sylvia was outside at her reception
desk, fielding the occasional phone call, and everyone else had gone home
for the day. And yet, he couldn't shake the feeling he wasn't alone; but
every time the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, he turned around
quickly. But there was no one to be seen. "I must be woikin' too hard," he
said to himself. It was then that Daffy Duck strolled into Bugs's office
and planted his posterior in a chair across from Toondom's most famous
rabbit.
     "You working too hard? _That'll_ be the day," the maladjusted mallard
said sarcastically.
     Bugs looked up from his work, clearly annoyed at the interruption.
"Don't start, Daf..." Then, as an afterthought, he said, "Hey, Daf, did
you ever get da feelin' you was bein'... watched?"
     "No," Daffy replied. "But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean
they're not out to get you."
     "You're such a comfort," Bugs replied dryly. "But I'm serious. For da
last couple o' hours or so, I've been gettin' da strangest feelin' dat
somebody's lookin' over me shoulder." Quickly, Bugs spun around to see if
anyone was, but no one was visible. Daffy, of course, wasn't paying the
slightest bit of attention. If he had been, and if Bugs had been just a
hair quicker, they would have caught one Buster Bunny in the act of spying
on his mentor, but he ducked behind Bugs's chair just in time.
     "Man, the things I do for Honey," Buster thought to himself, holding
his breath. One thing Buster had noticed among the clutter on Bugs's desk
was a pair of tickets to a basketball game. And Buster wasn't the _only_
one who noticed them.
     "Eh, you're gonna be working here all night, right, rabbit?" Daffy
asked with an unmistakably suspicious tone in his voice. Bugs regarded
him with a look that said that that was a stupid question.
     "Dat's a stupid question, Daf... of _course_ I am! I'm way behind on
dis administration stuff as it is..."
     "Yeah, right," Daffy replied. "Well, apparently, a basketball game
falls under the category of 'administration stuff'..."
     "Basketball game?" Bugs appeared puzzled; then he remembered the
tickets. "Hunh... I _t'ought_ I was forgettin' somet'in'. Lola dropped
dem by here dis afternoon..." Without waiting for an invitation, Daffy
snatched the tickets from the desk.
     "Hmmm... seats on the bench! I didn't know Michael was in town..."
Bugs snatched the tickets back from Daffy.
     "Yeah, but I got all dis woik ta do, so I ain't gonna have time ta
go..." the rabbit sighed. A greedy glint that appears in the eyes of
ticket scalpers everywhere suddenly appeared in Daffy's eyes.
     "Well, if you're not going to the game, and you're not adverse to
picking up a bit of spare loot in the process, I can get rid of them
for..." Daffy began. At that point, Buster wanted to shout out "No!",
but realized that would have given him away; besides, he thought that
those basketball tickets might be significant, even though he wasn't
sure why. Fortunately, Bugs saved him the trouble.
     "Eh, no can do, duck... Lola musta shelled out a lot to get dese
tickets, by rights, dey still belong ta her... strange, I ain't hoid
back from her about dem..." Bugs paused momentarily, then said, "Oh,
what da heck, dis paperwoik can wait 'til tomorrow," as he picked up 
the tickets. "I might as well go see a game. I wish I knew where Honey
was, I'm sure she'd love ta go..."
     "Hey, that reminds me," Daffy sputtered, "when did she finally flip?"
     "Eh... how's dat again?" Bugs questioned.
     "When'd she flip? She nearly knocked me down in the hallway this
afternoon without so much as an 'excuse me'!" Daffy exclaimed.
     Bugs looked at Daffy like he was daffy. "_When_ did she do dis?"
     "Dis after... I mean, _this_ afternoon! Boy," Daffy said disgustedly,
"I hang around you long enough, I begin to talk like you..."
     "You're even loonier den I t'ought, toon... Honey ain't _been_ here
today!" Bugs replied adamantly. But Daffy was just as adamant.
     "The _heck_ she hasn't! It was either her, or you've started wearing
dresses again!" he accused. Bugs took a nonchalant bite of carrot.
     "Nah... I ain't done _dat_ in years! Dat kinda stuff don't get laughs
no more..." Daffy looked skeptically at him.
     "Years?" he quizzed.
     "Oh, all right," Bugs sighed, "months! But dat was Hallowe'en! I
ain't put on a dress since den..." Bugs stopped suddenly, then leaned
forward. "Eh, Daf... can anybody else prove Honey was here?"
     "Well, there's always your secretary..." As if right on cue, Sylvia
stuck her head through the office door.
     "Chief, if there's nothing else for me to do, I'm gonna go home,
okay?" the blonde pussycat said. Bugs raised his gloved paws.
     "Eh, hold it a minute, Syl... dere _is_ one t'ing... did youse happen
ta see Honey here today?"
     "Honey? As in..." Sylvia began.
     "I don't mean as in 'Bosko and,'" Bugs replied. Sylvia regarded him with
a questioning gaze.
     "Well, yes, she was here for a moment, anyway. You were in conference,
but she insisted on seeing you, so she went to your new door..."
     "Uh-huh, den what happened?" Sylvia regarded Bugs with that same gaze,
as though he was supposed to know.
     "Well, she came back to my desk, sat down, then she began shaking and
hyperventilating, and then she began crying, said she never wanted to see
or hear from you again ever, and bolted outta here like Jackie Joyner! She
nearly knocked Daffy over without so much as an 'excuse me'!" Then she
looked angrily at her boss. "What did you _say_ to her, anyway???"
     "Honest, Syl, I didn't even _see_ her!" Bugs raised his paws in a
gesture of innocent protest. Then an idea came to him, and he hoped he was
wrong. "Eh, Syl... who was I s'posed ta be in conference _wit'_?"
     "Are you kidding? The only one you had a conference with was Lola..."
Sylvia looked accusingly at Bugs. "Bugs Bunny, were you doing something
with Lola..."
     "Not dat _I'm_ aware of, I wasn't," Bugs replied. "Eh... was Honey by
herself, by any chance?"
     "No, Buster was with her. Why?" Sylvia asked. Buster crouched even
lower behind Bugs's chair; unfortunately, one of his ears stuck out from
his hiding place, unbeknownst to the blue bunny.
     Bugs rubbed his chin in thought. "Hmmm... remind me ta have a talk wit'
Buster da next time I see him..."
     "Well, why don't you talk to him now? He's right behind..." Sylvia
began. Then she caught sight of Buster desperately trying to signal her
to be quiet. But Sylvia misinterpreted his hand gestures and waved back
at him. "Hi, Buster, what in the world are you doing down there?" Bugs
quickly grabbed Buster by his ears and pulled him up to him until they
were face to face.
     "Dat's what _I'd_ like ta know, Buster... what _are_ ya doin' down
dere?" Bugs asked, anger beginning to creep into his voice.
     "Oh, okay, so you're not paranoid yet," Daffy said. Bugs ignored him
and fixed a stern gaze on Buster.
     "I ain't gonna ask again, Buster... what was you _doin'_ down dere?"
     Buster gulped. "Uh, heh-heh... checking for loose carpet tacks?" he
replied feebly.
     "I'd buy that," Daffy said.
     "You _would_," Bugs replied. "All right, Buster... start talkin'...
and dis had better be _good_!"
     Buster gulped again. "Ohh-kayyy... but then I really have to run. I
promised Mary I'd meet her outside of Lola's place at around 7:00...
OOOPS!" Buster cringed. Sylvia and Daffy looked at each other and shrugged.
     "Say," Daffy lisped, "this is startin' to sound interesting!" He leaned
forward, and fell out of his chair face first. Bugs still ignored him, and
focused all his attention on Buster.
     "Well, Buster... I'm _waitin'_!"
     "Okay," Buster began. "It all started this morning in your office..."

                                    -0-

     "There! The perfect flashy outfit!" gushed Babs. "Take a look, Honey!"
Honey Bunny reluctantly looked at her reflection.
     Her scream shattered old Mr. Farnsworth's glass eye, which he kept in
his shirt pocket for parties and other joyous functions. "Damn punk rock,
never _could_ understand that crap!" he grumbled as he made his way past
Honey's house.
     "Takes your breath away, doesn't it?" Babs asked, as Honey desperately
sought to recapture her breath, and whatever was left of her dignity.
     "I... I... I can't go out in public like _this_, Babs! This is... it's...
INDECENT!!!" Honey finally said, not quite believing the scanty outfit she
was very nearly wearing.
     "Oh, vous are worried ovair notheeng," Fifi cooed. Honey stared at her.
     "'Nothing" is the word for it!" she insisted. The red wisp of a dress--
if that was what it could be called--was made of the filmiest, most
transparent material imaginable. A huge... no, make that immense... diagonal
gash ran from the left shoulder of her garment to her right hip, leaving
practically nothing to the imagination. The dress's sides--what there were
of _those_--were cut clear up to her waist, also leaving nothing to the
imagination. The wide cleavage was bordered by three shades of scarlet,
orange and yellow glitter which clashed violently with the garish make-up
job that Honey had suffered at the hands of Fifi and Shirley. Needless to
say, Honey found the whole get-up appalling, both to her asthetic sense
in general and to her Christian upbringing as a whole. She turned to the
girls in protest. "I repeat... I cannot... I _will_ not go out in public
looking like this! I look like... like..." She struggled to find a proper
sounding word that she could use in the presence of minors, before finally
declaring, "I look like a _SLATTERN_!!!"
     "Great!" Babs said overenthusiastically, "that's _JUST_ the effect we
were going for!" Then, leaning over, she whispered, "Hey, Shirl, what's a
slattern?"
     The loongirl thought for a second. "Umm, like, I think that's a small
car they make in North Carolina."
     "Oh," Babs said, accepting this answer as fact, then adding, "I wonder
why she thinks she looks like a car?"
     "Maybe eet's because her headlights are showing?" Fifi offered.
     Babs took another look at Honey. It appeared she was indeed coming just
_this_ close to falling out of her alleged dress. "Hmm, lemme fix that,"
the pink bunny said, taking a rose and placing it firmly between Honey's
breasts.
     "EEEEEEYOWCHHH!!!" Honey screamed.
     "Oops," Babs said sheepishly, "...forgot about the thorns."
     By now, Honey had had quite enough. "Nothing is worth this kind of 
pain," she cried out. The Amazing Three, however, weren't listening to her.
     "Like, what time is it now, Babs?" Shirley asked. 
     "It's almost 7:00," she replied, checking her watch. "Honey, what did
you say Bugs's cell phone number was again?"
     "853-5937," Honey replied, daubing her wounded cleavage with hydrogen
peroxide. Then she stopped. "Hey, wait a minute!... Babs, you tricked me!
I never said what..."
     "It's for your own good," the pink bunny replied, going into another
one of her amazing spin-changes... and what she came out looking like _this_
time was not to be believed.
     From her observation post on Honey's front porch, Mary Melody stared
open-mouthed, as Babs reached for a cellular phone from her Acme Loo
b-ball outfit, blowing her newly acquired blonde bangs out of her eyes.
"Oh, boy," Mary thought, "this is gonna be trouble..." She quickly hopped
into her car and began the drive towards Lola's house. Buster had to be
warned about _this_...

                                   -0-

     Bugs Bunny quickly burrowed his way to Lola's house, with Buster close
behind. Bugs felt a slight bump as he stopped to look at the place. He
looked down annoyingly. "Hey, watch where yer bumpin'!" he snapped as he
climbed out of the freshly burrowed hole in Lola's front yard. 
     "Sorry," Buster said as he crawled out after Bugs, "but it's dark down
there. It's also not the greatest view in the world..."
     "Eh, how ya able ta tell if it's dark down dere?" Bugs asked him with
a light touch of irony. Once the two rabbits were on terra firma instead
of under it, they had a quick look around. "Okay, junior, we're here, where's
Mary?"
     Buster shrugged. "Don't know... maybe she got held up in traffic. Anyway,
I did tell you that she's keeping an eye on Honey and The Amazing Three...
and who knows _what_ they've talked her into? Honey's in such a confused
state right now, she's liable to do _anything_ they might suggest, whether
she wants to or not!" He looked disgustedly at his mentor. "Although you
certainly didn't help matters by kissing Lola twice..."
     "I been tellin' ya, Buster, I wasn't kissin' her, she was kissin' me,
an' I also told ya why! If _my_ woid ain't good enough fer ya... by da way,
how'd you know where Lola's place was? Even _I_ ain't got dat information!"
     Buster fidgeted slightly. "Ummm... wild guess?" he fibbed.
     "Yeah, right," Bugs said flatly as the two of them made their way to
Lola's front door. The taller bunny rang the doorbell, heard the door
being unbolted, and stepped back as the door opened a quarter of an inch.
A single blue-green eye peeked through the opening, blinked, then peeked
again. The door closed quickly, followed by the sound of the bolt being
unbolted all the way, and then the door opened wider. Lola stood there
in striped pajamas and a pink terrycloth bathrobe, complete with fuzzy
bunny slippers.
     "Bugs? What are _you_ doing here? And how did you find me?" she asked
in surprise.
     "Eh, hi, Lol, mind if we come in?" Bugs asked as he and Buster walked
through the doorway.
     "Well, actually, I wasn't expecting company..." she began.
     Bugs looked her up and down. "I can _see_ dat... ain'tcha gonna dress
for da game?"
     "Game? _What_ game?" Lola asked, first raising, then quickly lowering
her voice. Bugs brought out the two tickets and handed them to her.
     "You mean ta stan' dere in yer pj's an' bat'robe an' tell me..." Then
Bugs stopped. "Eh... ya mean dese ain't _yers_?"
     "Allowing for your lousy grammar..." Lola began.
     "Leave me lousy family outta dis," Bugs replied.
     Lola sighed in exasperation. "Bugs, I haven't worked since we made that
movie together! I've had to watch my savings until I could get a real job,
and a place to live. How in the world could I afford tickets to a Bulls
game... especially tickets on the bench? Besides, I've had... I've had other
priorities..." she whispered.
     Buster looked puzzled. "Why do you keep lowering your voice, and _what_
movie?" Before he got an answer, Bugs's cell-phone rang loud and clear...
but especially loud.
     "Bugs, could you _please_ turn that thing down?" Lola asked, a panicked
expression on her pretty face as she nervously looked over her shoulder to
a closed door in back of her.
     "Okay, sorry... didn't t'ink _you'd_ be noise-sensitive," Bugs said as
he answered his phone. "Hello, Bugs Bunny talkin'... who?... Ticketmeister?...
You're checkin' up on what?... two tickets ta... yeah, I got 'em... dey're on
_whose_ card?... eh, hang on a minute..." He turned suspiciously toward
Buster. "You been at me credit cards again, kid?"
     Buster got defensive... and loud. "After that Hawaiian fiasco, are you
_kidding_???"
     "Could you two please keep it down?" Lola whispered anxiously, looking
back at that door. Bugs resumed speaking on the cell-phone.
     "Eh, yeah, dat's... t'ree of 'em, eh?... what'd dey look like?... uh-huh,
a _pink_bunny_... a _poiple_skunk_... an' a _loon_, eh?... what's dat?... an'
a gray bunny who looked like she didn't wanna be dere, and was prob'ly gonna
t'row up?... uh-_HUH_...I'm beginnin' ta get da picture... no, I'll aut'orize
da payment on 'em... but a coitain pink bunny's gonna owe me _plenty_... okay,
Doc, t'anks fer callin'... bye..." Bugs turned off his phone and looked very
unhappy. "Well, _now_ I got me a pretty good idea where dose tickets came
from."
     "Well, how about telling _me_? I... wait a minute, are these the tickets
you talked about on my answering machine?" Lola asked.
     "None udder," Bugs replied. "Buster, it appears your goilfriend has 
taken up larceny as a hobby..."
     "Honest, Bugs, I didn't give her your credit card!" the blue bunny
protested.
     "I didn't say ya had," Bugs answered. "Shoiley musta got hold of it
somehow, she's spooky dat way... but I can't quite figger out what Honey's
part in all dis is..."
     Lola looked questioningly at Bugs. "Honey? Who's Honey?"
     "What movie were you in with Bugs?" Buster asked again. Before he got
an answer, Bugs's cell-phone rang again, softer this time.
     "Eh, hold dat t'ought," Bugs said, answering his phone. "Hello, Bugs
Bunny speakin'... dis is _who_?... oh, _Lola_..." Lola looked surprised and
started to say something before Bugs silenced her with a quick hand gesture,
mouthing the name "Babs." "Eh, hi, 'Lola'... sorry I didn't recognize da
voice right aways... what's dat... yeah, da tickets _were_ a surprise, all
right... dat was very t'oughtful of ya... why, coitanly," Bugs said, pouring
on the phony sincerity, "I'd _love_ ta go... meet ya where?... da Acme
Community Basketball Court?... well, why don't I meetcha at _your_ place?...
whaddya mean, you don't know where it is?... oh, you ain't moved _in_
yet... I see... okay, da basketball court sounds as good a place as any...
7:00, den... okay, 'Lola', I'll be dere... bye-eee..."

                                  -0-

     "Bye-ee," Babs as "Lola" responded, then hung up. "Okay, he fell for
it," she announced with glee, still in her "Lola" get-up, although not for
long, spin-changing back into her regular outfit.
     "Babs, I don't know about this," Honey sighed.
     "It's too late to back out now, Honey, the wheels have been set in
motion and the damage has been done," Babs chirped.
     "I'll agree with the second part," Honey replied. Babs checked her
watch.
     "Okay, it's almost 7:00 now... Shirl?" The loongirl nodded, and a
look of oncoming nausea came over Honey's painted face.
     "Oh, please, Shirley, not..."
     "ZAP!!!"

                                   -0-

     "Dis picture is gettin' clearer all da time," Bugs said as he hung
up his cell-phone. 
     "Not to _me_, it isn't!" Lola said. "Why is Babs impersonating me,
and just _who_ is Honey?"
     "Remember dat Mary Margaret I was tellin' ya about? Dat's her nickname-
'Honey Bunny'," Bugs explained.
     "Pardon me," Buster interrupted, "but _what_ movie were _you_ ever in
with Bugs?" Before Lola could answer, her doorbell rang.
     "Oh, _now_ who...?" she asked. The door flew open, and Mary Melody
ran in, out of breath.
     "I've _really_ got to get in shape if I'm gonna come out for the track
team again," Mary panted. "I'm sorry I'm late, Buster, I got here as fast
as I could..."
     "And _what_ are ya doin' here, Mary?" Bugs asked. Mary regarded him
with a cool, suspicious glare.
     "I might ask _you_ the same question!" she snapped.
     "Jus' who da heck you t'ink yer talkin' to dat way?!?" Bugs challenged
loudly.
     "Could you _please_ not be so loud," Lola whispered, practically
begging for silence, still looking nervously at the door behind her.
     "AHEM! I repeat, _WHAT_ movie were _YOU_ ever in..." Buster bellowed.
     "Guys, _please_..." Lola pleaded. But it was too late. A very
unmistakable, and yet quite unexpected, sound came crying out from behind
the door. "Oh, dear, I _knew_ that was gonna happen," Lola cried, running
at top speed to the closed room. "Hold on, baby... Mommy's coming!" she
said, closing the door behind her. Bugs, Buster and Mary looked at each
other in disbelief.
     "'Mommy'?" they asked in unison.
     A brief moment later, Lola came out, a small bundle in a small pink
blanket cradled tenderly in her arms. "Well," she sighed, "since you guys
woke her up, you might as well be introduced." Bugs, Buster and Mary
gathered around Lola and had a look at what was in the blanket. "This...
is my daughter," she said softly.
     "Awwwww..." they said in unison.
     "Hey, she's cute," Bugs said.
     "Oh, she's beautiful," sighed Mary.
     "Well, whaddya know," Buster smiled, "a mini-Lola!" There was no denying
the infant bore an uncanny resemblance to her beautiful mother... right down
to the blonde bangs and the blue-green eyes.
     Lola smiled. "Actually, Buster, her name is Bethany. She's barely 6
months old..."
     An idea suddenly came to Mary. "I'll bet _that's_ why you were at the
Acme Children's Hospital this afternoon!"
     Lola looked quizzically at her. "How did _you_ know I was there?"
     "Ummm... a wild guess?" Mary offered weakly.
     "Hmmm... dere's a lot of dat goin' around lately," Bugs smirked.
     Buster looked at Bugs. "Well. It looks like a movie wasn't _all_ you
were making..."
     Bugs glared at his protege. "Now dat's just _enough_ of dat! I didn't
see Lola from da time we made dat... dat... dat 'film,' 'til da time she
came ta Acme Loo! And _dat's_ been well over a year!"
     "Honestly?" Buster asked.
     "Honestly," Bugs replied sternly.
     Buster felt slightly embarrassed. "Okay, I'm sorry, dad..."
     Mary and Lola looked at each other, their mouths hanging open, before
they both said, "'Dad'?!?"
     Buster slapped himself on the forehead before Bugs did it for him.
"Darn! That's supposed to be a secret!" he said through gritted teeth.
     "You know, I always _suspected_ as much," Mary said. Now it was Buster's
turn to squirm. He'd gone to great lengths to keep his family ties to Bugs
a secret, and now he'd spilled the beans.
     "Mary, you aren't gonna..." he pleaded.
     She smiled. "Don't worry, Buster, I won't say anything. After all, I'm
training to be a reporter, not a _stoolie_. Your secret's safe with me."
     "Same here," Lola said. "Actually, I think it's kinda nice that Bugs
is your dad." At that moment, a tired Bethany opened her eyes, looked at
Buster, and smiled.
     "Boo-key-llama-plbht?" she asked sweetly.
     "Hey," Buster grinned, "she smiled at me!"
     "Eh, dat don't mean nothin', Buster. She's a baby... it could be gas,"
Bugs quipped. Lola just gave him a dirty look, then smiled at her baby.
     "I'm afraid she hasn't learned to talk yet, but then, she's been sick
for a long time. This is her first day out of the hospital..."
     "What was wrong with her?... and, why is she so tiny?" Mary asked, as
a now completely awake Bethany made a grab for her ponytail, much to Mary's
delight.
     "She was a 'preemie,' Mary. That's why she's smaller for her age than
she should be. But she had wonderful care at the Children's Hospital. I
just wish I knew who her nurse was..." Her voice trailed off wistfully.
     "Eh, Lola?" Bugs asked.
     "Oh, sorry," she replied, returning to reality (or whatever passed for
it in Acme Acres). "Anyway, after Bugs and I did that... that... 'movie'..."
     "Again, I ask, _WHAT_ movie?" Buster wanted to know.
     "'Space Jam'," Bugs and Lola replied flatly.
     Buster and Mary shrugged. "Never heard of it," they said.
     "It ain't escaped yet," Bugs said, with a certain amount of distaste.
     "You mean it hasn't been _released_ yet," Mary corrected.
     Bugs looked at her crossly. "Look, Mar, I've _seen_ da final cut on
da ting... da only way _dat_ film's gettin' out is if it _escapes_!"
     "Sigh... and Warner's is probably going to have us go out and promote
the heck out of it," Lola said with equal distaste. From the sound of her
voice, Buster and Mary reasoned that she wasn't exactly crazy about the
finished product, either.
     "Well, if you knew this thing was a stinker going in, Lola, why'd you
agree to make it in the first place?" asked Buster.
     Lola looked surprised at him. "What, and turn down the chance to act
opposite my girlhood hero?"
     Bugs puffed up his chest slightly in fake modesty. "Heh-heh, well..."
     "I mean," Lola continued, "how many times does a girl get to make her
acting debut opposite Michael Jordan?"
     Bugs's ego suddenly deflated, along with his body. As he crumpled to
the floor, Bethany hid her eyes.
     "Please don't do that, Bugs, you're scaring Bethany... not to mention
giving _me_ a case of the willies, too," Lola said.
     Bugs quickly popped back into shape. "Hey, dere's nuttin' to it, Lola.
You could do it, too, if ya wanted to..."
     "But who wants to?" Lola snapped. "No, thanks! Anyway, after we finished
that film, I kept waiting for other roles to come my way... and they didn't.
So, I took some of my savings and took a vacation to Hawaii..."
     "Pardon the interruption, Lola, but from what I know of kids, if there's
a 'mommy,' then shouldn't there also be..."
     "I was just getting to that, Buster," she sighed. "Hawaii's where I met
Brad. He was nothing like I was looking for in a guy, but he turned out to
be everything I needed... and so, the same day we met, we got married on
the beaches of the 'Big Island'..." Lola then proceeded to relate the story
of her whirlwind romance and wedding.
     "Gee, that's romantic," Mary sighed when Lola finished.
     "Yeah," Bugs added, "but I wish you'da let some of us _know_. I'da
shelled out a few bucks for a present..." He smiled. "Anyways, all I can
say is, any guy dat snagged _you_ is a pretty lucky guy."
     "So, when do we get to meet this Brad?" asked Buster. Lola bowed her
head, and a small trickle of tears made their way down her face, and onto
Bethany's. The infant squinted and wiped them off as best she could.
     "I'm... I'm afraid that's not going to be possible," Lola said softly,
her voice cracking. Bugs, Buster and Mary exchanged concerned expressions.
     "Eh... Lola?" Bugs asked, quietly approaching her.
     She looked up briefly. "He... he wasn't that lucky, Bugs... he... died
a little over 6 months ago... he... he never even knew he was going to be a
father..." Lola broke down completely, sobbing and holding Bethany close.
Bugs, Buster and Mary didn't know what to say to that. There really wasn't
anything they could say that would help. Toon death was rare, but not
unknown in Acme Acres; still, the thought of it made them uneasy. They
figured the best course of action was none at all, and just to let Lola
get it out. Finally, she slowly raised her head, her face wet with tears.
"I... I'm sorry, guys," she sobbed, "I'm supposed to be strong, independent,
and whatever else the studio bio says... but I'm just like anyone else...
when you lose someone you love before you've even had the chance to begin
your life together, it hurts... I don't suppose you'd know what that's like..."
     Bugs knelt beside her and put a sympathetic paw on her shoulder.
"Act'ally, I _do_ know, Lola... from da other end." She looked at him,
puzzled. "I used ta have a wife named Felicia... we was togedder fer 20
years... an' when I lost her, I t'ought me whole woild was gonna collapse...
but it didn't... an' den, I met Honey... an' after awhile..."
     "Oh, my gosh! Honey!" Mary exclaimed. Bugs glared at her. Mary gulped.
"I'm sorry, Bugs, but you just reminded me--Babs..."
     "I t'ink we're already aware of what Babs is up to," Bugs scowled.
"Dey've got somet'in' cooked up at da Acme Community Basketball Court at
7:00..." Then he relayed the information that Babs/"Lola" had told him.
     Mary frowned. "That fits, all right. And they've got poor Honey so
mixed up and confused right now that she doesn't know _which_ way to turn.
From what I've seen, and from what you've just told me, and from what I
learned from Buster, I'm convinced that whatever she's found herself in
isn't any of her doing. Honey's way too sensible to instigate anything like
this..."
     "Except if she think's she's losing Bugs," Buster added. "Daphne said
she's got a blind spot where he's concerned."
     Lola raised her paw. "Excuse me, Buster, I don't mean to sound catty
or anything, but, if Honey's so sensible, _why_ does she think she's losing
Bugs?"
     Buster shrugged. "Well, seeing you and Bugs kissing twice in his office
today was a pretty good start..."
     "Twice?" Mary was astonished. Glaring at Bugs accusingly, she said,
"Oh, Bugs, how _could_ you?"
     "He didn't, _I_ did," Lola admitted.
     Buster continued. "That, and the fact that Bugs has never told Honey
that he loves her, well, that's enough to cause doubt in _any_ girl's mind."
     Lola and Mary turned violently on Bugs, looking at him like he was the
exclusive West Coast Distributor of a Communicable Disease. "You
_WHAT_???" they shouted.
     "Hey, what IS dis?" Bugs got defensive. "How come I'M suddenly da villain
of da piece all of a sudden like?" Challenging Buster, he asked sternly, "An'
where'd you ever get dis idea dat I never told Honey dat I love her?"
     Buster calmly stood his ground. "From Honey."
     Bugs turned beet red. "Oops," he offered as a weak defense.
     Mary and Lola folded their arms and stared angrily at Bugs. Bethany stuck
her tongue out at him and tried to make a Bronx cheer, but it just came out
sounding like a cute baby noise.
     Lola shook her head. "Oh, Bugs, Bugs, Bugs..."
     "Oh, what, what, what?" he replied. "She knows dat I love her... dat is,
I _t'ink_ she knows... I t'ink..."
     Lola sighed. "Bugs, it isn't enough to just _think_ she knows... you have
to _tell_ her so! A girl needs to _hear_ it, so she'll be certain in her
heart that you do. It's only fair... that is, if you _really_ love her..."
     "You _do_, don'tcha?" Buster asked.
     "You was wit' us in Gower Gulch when we nearly lost her, Buster... whadda
_you_ t'ink?" Bugs responded.
     Immediately, Buster's thoughts raced back to that past summer, to their
shared adventure in that desert located somewhere in reality. It was there
that he'd seen the deep anguish Honey had felt when she thought Bugs had been
killed; and it was also where he'd seen Bugs's vulnerable side, when Honey
had come close to certain death, and how he fretted and worried and, yes,
cried when he thought he was losing her, and how elated he was when she pulled
through. "Yeah," Buster finally admitted, "I'd say you love her... but you
_still_ oughta tell her so..."
     "I will, junior, da next time I see her," Bugs affirmed, "which should
be a few minutes from now, at da..." He paused, then they all shouted,
Acme Community Basketball Court!"
     "YIPE! I forgot! We gotta get over dere, Buster, an' save my Honey from
dose maniacs!"
     Lola stared at Bugs. "'Maniacs' is kind of a strong term, isn't it?"
     Buster considered this briefly. "Naw, knowing those girls, that's about
as accurate as you can get." He turned to his mentor. "Let's get going, Bugs.
"There's a few things I wanna say to Babs myself!"
     As Bugs and Buster bolted for the door, Lola spoke up. "Hey, wait a
second! You don't think you're gonna leave _me_ here wondering about the
outcome, do you? Besides, I'd like to _meet_ this 'Honey Bunny.'"
     "In _that_ outfit?" Buster grinned. Lola looked at her pj's and
bathrobe.
     "You're right..." Quickly, she dashed into her bedroom, doffed the
robe and the pajamas, slipped out of her bunny slippers, slipped on a
t-shirt and shorts, and dashed back out to her living room. "Okay, I'm
ready, let's go..."
     "Boo-key-mama-byebye?" The small voice stopped Lola at the door.
     "Bethany! I can't leave her here by herself..."
     Mary smiled. "I'll be glad to watch her for you," she volunteered,
as the baby bunny made another playful grab for her ponytail.
     "Thanks, Mary," Lola said, kissing Bethany on the cheek. "Mommy'll be
back as soon as she can, okay, Beth?"
     Bethany stopped playing with Mary's ponytail long enough to smile at
her mother. "Goo!"
     "I'll take that as an 'okay,'" Lola grinned. "_Now_ let's go." No
sooner did she and Bugs begin to step outside than a brilliant flash of
light nearly blinded them both.
     "Great! I can see the headlines now! 'Acme Loo President and B-ball
Coach Caught In Illicit Love Nest!'" crowed the silly green duck with the
old-fashioned flash camera. Plucky was dressed in a grimy trenchcoat, and
sporting an even grimier fedora with a "SLIMY PRESS" card stuck in the
hatband.
     Buster glared at him. "PLUC-KYYY..." he growled. "What do you think
you're doing?"
     "Earning a couple of bucks," Plucky replied. Lola quickly grabbed the
camera and stomped hard on Plucky's feet. His bill opened wide, and she
shoved the camera, flash attachment and all, down his gullet.
     "Eat it, Jack!" she snapped as he unwillingly swallowed the camera.
     "I hope you realize this is gonna play havoc with my digestion,"
Plucky said as he tried to stomach the thing.
     "That's okay, Pluckster," Buster quipped. "This, too, shall pass."
     Lola, Bugs and Mary couldn't help giggling at that line.
     "How droll," a disgusted Plucky griped.
     "Bugs, wait!" Mary said. "I'd better warn you... the girls have got
Honey convinced that you're not going to be attracted to her unless she's
flashy, so, they've subjected her to a kind of... 'makeover.'"
     "Eh...what _kind_ of 'makeover'?" Bugs asked hesitantly.
     Mary sighed. "Bugs... you wouldn't believe me if I told you."
     The bunnies looked at each other.
     "This does not sound good," Buster said, as they bolted out the door.
As they began burrowing towards the A.C.B.C., Plucky called after them,
"Hey! Don't you guys even have any Alka-Seltzer?"

                                 -0-

     "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP!!!"  The Amazing Three and Honey Bunny
materialized at the Acme Community Basketball Court, right near a trash
can at the entrance.
     "Well, that was fast..." Babs began, then did a double-take. "Honey,
quit throwing up in that trash can. You don't know what's in there." But
Honey didn't care. She looked as sick as she felt, and it just wasn't due
to the transcendental travel of "Air Shirley." The horrid make-up job and
the way-too-revealing outfit combined with her own insecurity. She had
now convinced herself that she'd lost Bugs to Lola; and if she hadn't yet,
then one look at her in this get-up would be enough to drive him away.
A cry from Shirley interrupted her thoughts.
     "Like, Bunny at 7:00!" the loongirl shouted, as a rapidly approaching
tunnel tore up the landscape leading to the court.
     Babs checked her watch. "Right on time," she said casually. "Okay,
Honey, it's showtime! Now, stand there and look dazzling!"
     Honey looked forlorn. "With 27 pounds of glitter on, how the heck can
I _avoid_ it?" Babs didn't hang around to answer. She, Shirley and Fifi
had already hidden themselves under the left-hand side of the bleachers,
so they could observe the results of their handywork. At the same time,
the tunnel stopped at the edge of the right-hand side of the bleachers.
Bugs was the first one to pop out, arms raised in triumph.
     "Well, here we are, Pismo Beach at last, an' all da clams we can eat!"
Then he looked suspiciously around him, surveying his surroundings. "Hey,
_dis_ don't look like no Pismo Beach! I'm gonna have a few woids wit' dat
travel agent... OOOF!" He looked behind and below him, as if he could see
whatever it was that had bumped him in the tail section. "Hey, _watch_ it
down dere!" he griped, climbing out onto the grass.
     "Well, I'm sorry," Lola said, as she stuck her head above ground, "but
I'm new at this burrowing stuff!" Bugs helped her out of the hole, and she
brushed herself off as Buster finally climbed out. "How you guys can do this
without getting dirty, I'll _never_ know," she complained, shaking a few
loose clods from her bangs.
     "It takes practice," Buster admitted. Then something caught his eye.
"Psst, Bugs..." he whispered, pointing to a solitary gray fembunny in a
glittery red wisp of a dress, standing at center court, illuminated by an
overhead light. Her back was to them, and she appeared to be shaking and
crying. "I really don't think she wants to be here," Buster said.
     "In that get-up, I don't blame her," Lola added. "Bugs, does she _always_
look like that?"
     "Not normally, no," Bugs replied. "She's got more fashion sense den
dis...but ya gotta remember whose moicy she's at..."
     "If that's whatcha wanna call it," Buster added. "Bugs, me and Lola are
gonna back off now. This is where you take over. We'll be underneath the
bleachers..."
     "Doin' what?" Bugs quipped nonchalantly.
     Lola glared at him. "You know better than that," she snapped as she
and Buster took their places underneath the right-hand side of the bleachers,
unaware that Babs, Shirley and Fifi were hiding just a few short feet away,
also unaware of the presence of Buster and Lola. Like them, The Amazing Three
were focusing all their attention on center court.
     Bugs took a deep breath and sighed, "Well, here goes nuttin'..." as he
made his way to the trembling fembunny in the dress that wasn't quite all
there.
     "Boy, I sure wish Babs was here," Buster whispered to Lola. "I'd sure
give her a piece of my mind..."
     Just a few feet to their left, Babs whispered to Shirley and Fifi, "I'll
show Buster we knew what we were doing! If he was here, I'd sure give him a
piece of my mind..."
     "Do you think you can spare it?" Buster asked automatically, not really
paying attention to the source of that last sentence.
     "Ha-ha," Babs replied, also automatically... before she did a quadruple-
take to match the one Buster was doing. They pointed at each other in
obvious astonishment.
     "What are _you_ doing here?" they asked each other.
     "Ssshh," cautioned Lola.
     Babs glared at Lola, then back at Buster. "And what is _she_ doing here?"
she asked, pointing an accusing finger. "And what are _you_ doing here with
her?"
     "We're shopping for bleachers, all right?" Buster snapped sarcastically.
"Babsie, when this is over, I've got quite a few things to say to you
about minding..."
     "Buster, let it wait," Lola whispered, focusing on the activity in the
center of the basketball court between Bugs and Honey.
     As Bugs got closer, he could see that Honey's head was bowed so low that
her ears were draped over her face, in an obvious attempt to hide it from
him. He had the feeling she probably had good reason to, as the only sound
he heard from her was her gentle, quiet sobbing. He began to wonder to himself
just how it had come to this, and just how it was that he'd never really
noticed just how deeply Honey felt about him. He knew she loved him; he'd
just never realized how much. Had he really taken her for granted all these
years? "Well..." Bugs thought as he cleared his throat, "...could be."
"Ahem...uh, Hon..." he said quietly. The only response he got was some more
of her sobs. "Hon," he continued, "I can't hold a convoisation wit' da top
o' yer head..." Still more quiet sobbing.
     "Why isn't she looking at him?" Lola wondered.
     "Simple enough," Buster answered. "You see that... no, I can't really
call that a dress..." He looked disapprovingly at Babs.
     "Humph!" Babs sniffed, adopting a snotty attitude, pointing her nose
in the air. Shirl and Fif did the same. Buster chose to ignore them all.
     "Well," he continued, "anyone that'd come up with an outfit _that_ bad
would've _had_ to come up with a hideous make-up job to match!"
     Lola nodded. "Oh, yes, Mary did say something about that..."
     "_Double_-humph!" Babs, Shirl and Fif replied.
     "Keep your noses in the air like that during the next big rain and you'll
drown," Buster remarked caustically.
     "Ssshh, _all_ of you," Lola whsipered, returning her eyes to center court.
     "Hon," Bugs said in a gentle tone, "dis is... sigh... would ya look at me,
'Duchess'... please?"
     There was no longer any avoiding it. Reluctantly, slowly, Honey raised
her head. "Once Bugs sees this," she began thinking. She closed her eyes
tightly, trying not to face whatever his reaction would be. She no longer
cared about the steady stream of tears that were ruining the ghastly make-up
she'd been forced to wear (as if anything _could_ ruin it). All she wanted
to do at that moment was die. If she could die at that moment, she could
live happily ever after. This was humiliation at its worst.
     "Oh, _non_," Fifi gasped, "she has rueened moi's job du cosmetique!"
     "It was ruined when you put it on her," Buster shot back.
     "WELL!" Fifi said, insulted.
     "SSSSSSHHH!" Lola commanded.
     Bugs took one look at the horribly-redecorated Honey and didn't know
whether to stifle a laugh or a scream. But he also had enough sense to
realize that doing either one would be an even more damaging blow to her
than whatever worst-case scenario she had imagined. So instead, he took out
a handkerchief and gently removed all traces of that ghastly glittery purple
gunk off Honey's face. "I prefer my goil ta have da natural look," he smiled.
"Okay, Honey, now what gives? I mean, ya _couldn'ta_ come up wit' somet'in'
like dis of yer own free will..."
     Honey slowly shook her head, tears still flowing. "Unh-unh," she said
quietly.
     "I'll bet Babs, Shoiley an' Fifi did dis to ya," Bugs said, trying to
make it seem like he was taking a wild guess.
     Honey nodded her head vigorously. "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh," she more
than readily agreed.
     "_TRIPLE_-humph!!!," Babs griped. "Bunnydict Arnold..."
     "Don't mention that name!" Lola said.
     "Ssshh," Buster countered. "I wanna hear this," he whispered as Bugs
took another good, long look at Honey. All of her poise and self-confidence
was gone. She stood before Bugs, a trembling, sobbing, barely dressed
emotional wreck. She shook so badly, in fact, that her dress suddenly came
undone at the shoulder. It plummeted to her feet, weighted down by way too
much glitter. Now totally embarrassed, humiliated, and naked, Honey broke
down in loud sobs; but Bugs simply pulled her toward him and, kneeling
slightly, cradled her head on his shoulder.
     "Sshh," Bugs whispered, attempting to reassure her, "it's okay, Baby
Doll, just let it all out..." He gently stroked her ears with one hand,
his other arm draped protectively around her shoulders. When she finally
finished crying, which took a while, Bugs placed a hand under her chin
and raised her face towards his until they were eye-to-eye. "Ya feel like
talkin' now?" he asked. Honey first nodded, then shook her head. Bugs
smiled slightly. "Okay, ya don't have to...but _somet'in'_ musta brought
all dis on, 'cause normally ya don't behave like dis..." Honey didn't
answer. "Eh," Bugs continued, "dis wouldn't have anyt'ing ta do wit' da
sudden appearance of a goil named 'Lola,' would it?"
     Honey nodded slowly.
     Babs appeared ready to say something, but both Buster and Lola shushed
her before she could.
     Honey hesitated before finally speaking. "Wh... when I saw... saw the
way you two were kissing," she said, her voice barely above a whisper, "I...
I just knew it... it was all over..."
     "Eh, what do _you_ know?" Bugs kidded. But Honey wasn't in a kidding
mood.
     "Bugsy, please, don't," she softly cried. "I could see that... that...
Lola is younger than me... she's prettier than me... she's got to be more
exciting than me... and if that's what you want, then it's time that I..."
     "Hold it right dere, Baby Doll," Bugs interrupted. "Sure, Lola's young;
but compared ta me, so are _you_ ...as fer pretty, well, I'll admit she's
quite a looker, all right, but looks alone don't cut it. I mean, I had da
pleasure o' watchin' you grow up right before me very eyes, an' i t'ink
you get more beautiful every day. An' as fer excitement, well, while I _do_
like ta have fun, dere's also a lot ta be said fer..."
     "Dull?" Honey asked weakly.
     "Now I didn't say dat," Bugs replied. "Dat's just Plucky's opinion. I
like ta t'ink of ya as, well, sane..."
     Honey wasn't convinced. "Oh, sure, safe, sane, dependable ol' me, put
it all together, it spells 'dishwater'. Plucky's right...I don't even know
why you've let me hang around with you for _this_ long..."
     "Why? _I'll_ tell ya why," Bugs said. "True, Lola's young, pretty, an'
excitin'; she's _all_ dat, an' a whole lot more. But dere's _one_ t'ing
Lola _ain't_, dat she can never, _ever_ be."
     "Wh... what's that?" Honey said, trying to stop her still-flowing tears.
Bugs gently lifted her face, looked deeply into her darker-than-dark brown
eyes, and paused for emphasis before speaking.
     "You," he said quietly. And before Honey could react, Bugs took her in
his arms and planted a kiss on her in a way that made her knees buckle.
This did not go unnoticed by those of the bleacher observation post.
     "Wow," Babs sighed.
     "Le sigh," Fifi added.
     "Like, ditto, or some junk," Shirley said.
     Lola turned to Buster. "You know something?"
     "What, Lol?"
     "Those two _look_ like they belong together."
     Buster smiled broadly. "Was there ever any doubt?" he asked, as Bugs
reached into that built-in pocket that most toons seem to have on their
person, and pulled out a small bunch of notes Buster had given Bugs on the
way to the basketball court, all about what to say to a girl to make her
feel wanted. But one look at Honey, and he tossed them over his shoulder.
What he had to say to her didn't call for a script; it called for something
even more sincere. It had to come from his heart. He looked even deeper into
her eyes as he spoke.
     "Hon, I know I don't always show it, an' ya t'ink I take ya fer granted,
which I guess has always been true, an' I'm sorry." Honey was startled. He
had never, ever told her anything like what he was telling her now.
     "Bugsy..." she whispered.
     "I ain't finished," he replied. "Dontcha know dat you're da goil dat
keeps me from goin' completely nuts? I mean, bein' a Looney Tune is a great
gig, an' I wouldn't trade it fer all da carrots in da woild, but it ain't
somet'in' I wanna be 24 hours a day..."
     Babs, Shirley and Fifi's jaws dropped. Hadn't Buster said that just
that day? Buster just smiled outwardly, but inwardly he was thinking, "Well,
whaddya know about that?"
     "...I mean," Bugs continued, "if I didn't have you in my life, I'd
prob'ly wind up just as screwy as Daffy, an' who needs a rabbit like dat?
Even da greatest ocean liner needs an anchor ta keep it stable..."
     The girls stared at Buster, who simply whispered, "Told ya so," although
he too was surprised by what was being said by Bugs... although he'd never
give Babs the satisfaction of knowing that.
     Honey blinked back her tears and stared at Bugs. "And... I'm your anchor?"
     "Absolutely, Baby Doll. You came along at just da right time in me life,
an' I ain't ever regretted knowin' ya, not for a single minute... an' I never
will, neither."
     "But... but, what about..." Honey hesitated before asking, "...what about
Lola?"
     Bugs grinned. "What _about_ her?"
     "Isn't there... well, that is..."
     Bugs finished her thought for her. "Anyt'ing goin' on between us?" He
smiled. "Nope... an' dere never _was_... Hon, I _t'ink_ it's time dat da two
of us had a _looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong_ talk, you an' me... c'mon..." Slowly, Bugs led Honey to a far corner of the court,
out of earshot of the toons under the bleachers.
     "I wonder what they're talking about," Babs whispered.
     "Well, whatever it is, I think they're finally beginning to understand
each other," Buster observed. "But it sure took 'em long enough."
     Babs smiled over-confidently, and exchanged high-fours with Shirley and
Fifi. "Chalk up another success to The Amazing Three!" Babs gloated... just
before Lola burst her balloon.
     "Oh, come _on_, Babs, who are you trying to kid? You three nearly made
Honey a complete and utter basket case with your meddling!"
     Babs, Shirley and Fifi's jaws dropped again. "Wha--?" they said.
     "If you had just left everything alone, Bugs and Honey would've had
this whole misunderstanding straightened out, and there wouldn't have been
any hurt feelings on anybody's part!" Lola declared.
     "But... but..." Babs gasped.
     "No 'buts,' Babs. Your sticking your noses where they didn't belong
nearly ruined whatever Bugs and Honey have going!" Lola was livid, and she
wasted no time in letting Babs know how she felt, much to Babs's surprise.
     "Lola... are you saying that there wasn't _anything_ going on with you
and Bugs?"
     "Babs, that's _exactly_ what I'm saying! Bugs and I had made a movie
together, and that's all!"
     "Zut alors!" Fifi exclaimed. "Zen, what was all zat kissing?"
     "I hadn't seen Bugs in over a year, and I was happy to see him, nothing
more than that! I'll admit I was a little _forward_, but..." Lola shrugged.
     "Like, how were _we_ supposed to know that?" Shirley asked.
     "Simple, Shirley... you _could_ have just _ASKED_ me! _ANY_ of you!"
     "Now why didn't we think of that?" Babs muttered.
     "_That'll_ teach you to mind your own business," Buster smirked. But
Lola was far from finished.
     "And that goes for you, too, Buster!"
     Buster's jaw dropped. "Wha--?"
     "_YOU_ aren't so innocent in all this, either! You were thinking the
worst, too! Having me followed, finding my home address, which is _supposed_
to be privileged information, disrupting my private life, barging into my
house uninvited..."
     Buster was as stunned as stunned could be. "I, I, I..." he stammered.
     "Buster Bunny, broken record," Babs quipped sarcastically.
     But Lola was beyond humor. "Anyway, the damage has been done," she said
sadly. "But if there's _anything_ good that's gonna come from this, it's
that Bugs might finally start to treat Honey the way she wants and deserves
to be treated, with a little more respect, and a lot more love, which I
think is all she ever really wanted in the first place. That's all _any_
girl wants in a relationship, when you get right down to it." She took one
more glance at Bugs and Honey, who had long since finished their talk, and
were now enjoying one super bunny hug. "Well, this is where I came in," she
sighed, "and I also think that this is where I leave."
     "Oh, okay," Babs said, her focus more on the gray hares than on what
Lola had just said. Then she, Fifi, Shirley and Buster all did a double
quadruple take.
     "What?" they asked.
     "You heard me," Lola sighed sorrowfully. "I... I really think it's for
the best. It's obvious that I haven't been trusted, and if I stayed on at
Acme Loo, it'd just cause uneasy feelings between Honey and me, no matter
what happens here. There'd always be that cloud of suspicion hanging over
me very time I'd look or talk to Bugs, and I couldn't teach under those
circumstances, or those conditions." She got out from under the bleachers
and began walking slowly toward the parking lot, then stopped and turned
back to the toonsters. "I... I really wish things had been different. We
probably would've even become friends...please, tell Bugs I'll turn in my
resignation in the morning. I hope you girls get a coach you'll feel
comfortable with... and goodbye." With that, Lola slowly continued her way
out of the parking lot.
     Buster's silent glare at the girls cut through them like an X-acto
knife through paper. And Babs was the one who felt it the most.
     "Don't say it, Buster... just _please_ don't say it..." Babs sighed,
her ears hanging down over her face.
     Letting out a sigh of his own, Buster said, "I'm not gonna say a
thing. Lola was right. I was just as much to blame for this thing getting
out of hand as you were."
     "Like, I think there's a lesson here, somewhere," Shirley realized,
with regret in her voice.
     "Oui," Fifi concurred, "...nevair take le cosmetolgy lessons through
ze mail... le sigh..."
     Meanwhile, Lola was almost to the edge of the parking lot when a
convertible pulled up beside her, startling the soon-to-be-ex-b'ball
coach of Acme Looniversity.
     "Wha--...Mary, what are you doing here?" she asked, as Mary Melody
turned off her engine, unbuckled her seat belt, and retrieved Bethany from
the child restraint seat in the back.
     "I'm sorry, Lola, but the suspense was beginning to get to me."
     "Boo-key-mama-blrt?" Bethany asked in her own sweet way, torn between
reaching for her mother, and playing with Mary's ponytail.
     "It's alright for her to be outside, isn't it?" Mary asked, handing the
baby girl to Lola.
     Lola held Bethany close to her. "Yes, it is... take a good look at Acme
Acres, Beth... you won't be seeing it after tonight..."
     Bethany appeared puzzled. "Nur-ney-bye-bye?"
     "Sigh... yes... we're leaving..."
     Mary stared, startled. "What? Why?"
     Lola looked sadly at her. "You know why, Mary..."
     "Darn," Mary muttered. "Well, can I at least give you a lift?"
     "Thanks, but it's a nice night, I think we'll walk. After all this, I
really think I need to," Lola said. The hurt she was feeling began to show
in her voice. "Come on, Bethany, we've got some packing to do..." She took
all of two steps before she was stopped by another voice... and a gloved
fembunny's paw tapping her on the shoulder.
     "Hold it right there!" The rabbit whom that voice belonged to was no
longer emotionally unsure, both of herself and her relationship with
Bugs Bunny. There was now a forceful presence in Honey's voice that was
rarely there except in times of anger. Buster and the girls were now
joining Honey in the parking lot, with Bugs close behind.
     "Umm, Honey..." Buster began.
     "Eh, Baby Doll?" Bugs asked.
     "_Uh_-oh..." The Not-so-Amazing Three mumbled, wishing there were a
fallout shelter nearby. But there wasn't. Slowly, Lola turned around and
came face-to-face with Honey Bunny for the first time. Honey's expression
hinted that, after all she'd gone through that day, she was not glad to
see her.
     "So you're Lola, are you?" Honey's resolve was firm for an undressed
rabbit, but she wasn't even concerned about that, for the first time in her
life. Lola tried not to let her oncoming nervousness show.
     "Yes, I am," she replied, "and... you're Honey?"
     Bugs attempted to intervene before ink was spilled. "Eh, goils, dere's
really no need fer dis..."
     But Honey would not be denied her moment. "Bugsy, I _know_ what I'm
doing," she asserted, fixing a firm stare on her "rival." "Did I just hear
you say you were leaving Acme Acres?"
     Lola nodded. "Yes... why?"
     "Honey..." Buster and Babs began, but Honey silenced them with an icy
glance.
     "Why? Because there's something _I'd_ like to say about that..." she
growled at Lola, who began shaking slightly. She'd heard the saying about
hell having no fury like a woman scorned; but this was the first time she
would be subject to it, she thought.
     "Honey..." Bugs, Buster, Babs, Shirley, Fifi and Mary said nervously.
Bethany hid nervously inside her mother's embrace.
     But Honey was ignoring everybody as she stared hard at Lola... and then
her stare vanished, replaced by a soft warm smile. "Don't."
     "You've got nothing to worry about, I'll be gone in..." Then Lola did
a quick double-take, not believing what she'd just heard. "Did you say...?"
     Honey kept smiling. "Don't. Bugs explained what happened, which is what
I _should've_ given him the chance to do all along..."
     "Whew!" the others said in relief, grateful that for now, World War III
was apparently going to be avoided.
     "You see," Honey continued, "I'm afraid I'm rather jealous of Bugs where
he and pretty girls are concerned, and I tend to over-react like I did today.
I'm not proud of that, and I thought I had that problem licked, but I guess
I still need to work on it. It's just that when you've been going together
for as long as Bugs and I have, and you see something like what I saw this
morning, and again this afternoon, well, it shakes a girl's confidence pretty
badly... that is, one's ego tends to get... when you only think you know where
you stand with..." She'd started off great, But Honey now found herself
fumbling for words, which wasn't like her at all. Lola, however, had a
_very_ good idea of what it was she was trying to say, and turned sharply
on Bugs.
     "Oh, for crying out loud, Bugs, haven't you told her _yet_?"
     "Told me what?" Now Honey began shaking again. "Then, then it's... there
_is_ something..."
     "Hold it, 'Duchess,' you ain't hoid da 'what' yet," Bugs said. He looked
deeply into those darker-than-dark brown eyes, probably deeper than he ever
had before. "Honey, you're da sweetest goil I've ever known, an' you're
right, I do take ya fer granted... I guess I've always figured you'd always
be around to fergive my kind of insanity... in fact, I've spent all dese
years countin' on it... but you knew what kinda guy I was... an', well..."
He stopped momentarily, before blurting out, "I'm sorry, Honey, I can't keep
stringin' ya along like I been doin' all dese years... not any more... it
ain't fair ta ya..."
     Buster was aghast, fearing the worst. "Bugs, what are you doing?"
     "Have you lost your senses?" Babs asked.
     Plucky, who had just inexplicably arrived on the scene for no good
reason, rifled through a script. "Hey, what page is _he_ on?" he asked,
bewildered. "I can't find this dialogue anywhere..."
     Bugs smiled. "Ya ain't _gonna_, either. Dis is what's known as t'rowin'
da writers a coive... an' ta answer yer question, Babs, I ain't lost me
senses... on da contrary, I t'ink, after all dis time, I've finally _found_
'em," he said, reaching into his built-in pocket and pulling out a small,
black velvet-covered square. He took Honey's trembling left paw in his,
removed her glove, and looked at her paw for a moment. "Ya know, Hon, dis
is a nice lookin' paw... but I t'ink it'd look much nicer, if it had _dis_
on it..." he said softly as he opened the square object, removed its
content, and slipped it on the third digit of her left paw.
     Honey's eyes widened, and tears spilled their way onto the parking lot.
"Oh, my go..." she gasped.
     "Will you look at _that_," Lola sighed.
     "Oh, Honey, that's... that's beautiful," Babs cried. Everyone else was
too stunned to say anything, as Bugs got down on one knee.
     "Mary Margaret... my beautiful 'Honey Bunny'... will you do me da honor...
of marryin' me?"
     Honey only had to think for a nano-second before leaping into Bugs's
arms, knocking him over in the process, and planting a vacuum-packed kiss
on toondom's most famous rabbit. "Yes, yes, a million, billion, trillion
times, YES!!!" she cried.
     "Oh, a million, trillion, billion an' ONE times ain't good enough fer
ya, huh?" Bugs joked, before returning the passionate kiss. This was what
Honey had waited all her life for, and for once, Bugs would be determined
not to let her down. Not this girl, not any more.
     "All right, Bugs!" Buster said quietly.
     "Way to go, tiger," Lola smiled, tears running down her face as well.
     "Le sob... I always cry at... whatever eet ees I'm cryeeng at," Fifi
cried.
     "Like, this calls for a celebration, or some junk," Shirley said,
wiping away her own tears.
     "That's a wonderful idea, Shirl," Mary added, joining in the joyous
occasion. "Anybody got any ideas?"
     "How about Weenie Burgers?" Plucky offered. "On Bugs!"
     Everybody glared at Plucky.
     "Party poopers," he grumbled, as Bugs and Honey finally got up from
the parking lot pavement. Bugs smiled as he held Honey tightly, planting
small kisses all over her face. Nobody said anything for several minutes,
until the silence was broken by a small, plaintive "Goo?"
     Babs suddenly looked around. "Which one of you said 'goo'?"
     Lola giggled. "Oh, I forgot! I'm sorry, baby, are you okay?" she asked
as Bethany emerged from the shelter of her mother's warm embrace. Bethany
would have answered if she could, when she was suddenly noticed by Honey.
A warm, glowing smile of recognition crossed both their faces.
     "Bethany!" Honey exclaimed.
     "GOO!" Bethany happily squealed.
     Babs appeared puzzled, as did Fifi, Shirley, and Plucky. "Bethany? Who
is Bethany?" Babs asked.
     "Bethany is my daughter," Lola smiled. "But, how do _you_ know her?"
     Honey smiled through her tears of happiness. "We met at Acme Children's
Hospital. I was her nurse, and I've never had a lovelier patient..."
     "Wait a minute! _YOU_ were Bethany's nurse?" Lola asked.
     "I guess I should explain. In my free time, I'm a volunteer pediatric
nurse at the hospital... and you're Bethany's mom?"
     Lola nodded, as Bethany hugged Honey with all the love she had, which,
when you're six months old, is a lot.
     "Well, you certainly have a beautiful child," Honey said. "I'm glad
she pulled through."
     "Well, certainly she pulled through," Buster smiled. "Look who she had
taking care of her."
     "Thank you, Buster," Honey sighed as she handed Bethany back to her
mom, who handed the baby in turn to Mary. Then, Lola hugged Honey.
     "And thank you, for looking after her... I..."
     "Aw, shucks," Honey giggled. "It was my pleasure."
     "Well, dis is all mighty sickenin'--OOOF!" Bugs exclaimed, then turned
angrily on Buster. "Hey, what was DAT for?"
     "That poke in the ribs? You were starin' to do a 'Daffy'... anyway, I
think you and Honey should have the rest of the evening to yourselves. You
deserve it."
     "Yeah," Babs agreed. "Hey, why don't you take in a basketball game?"
     "Yipe! I forgot!... Honey, would ya like ta celebrate by seein' a..."
Bugs began, then said "on second t'ought, dat really ain't a very romantic
type place ta..."
     Honey smiled. "Bugs, any place with you is romantic enough for me...
and that includes a basketball game."
     Lola tapped her on the shoulder. "Honey, are you really going to a
public place not dressed like that?"
     "OOOPS!" Honey blushed. "I forgot I was..." Then she smiled. "Wait a
minute, what am _I_ worried about?" She cast a sly look at Buster. "You
think I should?"
     Buster grinned. "Go for it, Honey." With that, Honey stunned the girls
and Plucky by going into a rapid spin-change, and emerging wearing another
sensible, form-fitting lavender dress, complete with matching hare ribbon
tied neatly to a small patch of white fur between her ears. In the process,
her whiskers also miraculously reappeared.
     "Wow! How'd you DO that?" Babs asked. She thought she was the only one
who could do that trick.
     Honey smiled winsomely. "It's a gift."
     Bugs couldn't help chuckling. "Now DAT'S da Honey dat _I_ know!" The
surprises weren't over yet, though, as a stretch limousine suddenly appeared
out of nowhere, and a pudgy guy emerged from the back.
     "Bugs! I'm glad I finally found you! This place is hard to locate, you
know?"
     Bugs sighed. "Hi, Stan... you remember Lola, don'tcha?"
     "Oh, sure, hi, Lola!"
     "Hi yourself," Lola smiled, then turned to Honey. "Have a good time,
okay?"
     "I sure plan to," she laughed, as she and Bugs climbed into the car.
But before it took off, Bugs rolled down the window and said, almost off-
handedly, "Oh, by da way, Babs, you still got da receipt for dem tickets?"
     Babs laughed. "Of _course_ I do, they're right... here... in... my..."
Her face turned ashen. "I've been had," she said.
     Shirley placed a sympathetic wing on her shoulder. "Like, I guess you'll
find out for yourself what life after death is like, 'kay?"
     "Oui," Fifi added, "moi would not weesh to be een your bunny slippers..."
     Bugs wasn't smiling. "I got news for youse... you goils are ALL in dem
bunny slippers!" Buster came to Honey's side of the car, and she rolled her
window down.
     "Yes, Buster, what is it?" Buster stood on his tiptoes and Honey leaned
her head out. He whispered something in her ear, planted a kiss on her
cheek, and said, "Pass it on!" giggling maniacally.
     Honey smiled, whispered what Buster had said into Bugs's ear, and a
wicked grin appeared on his face. "Eh, dat's not a bad idea, heeheeheehee...
oh, Babs..." he called.
     "Y... yes?" she replied nervously.
     "It seems in all da excitement an' confusion today, I forgot ta do
sometin' _very_ important. It seems I forgot ta call off dat conference wit'
your _mudder_ tomorrow..."
     "Oh, NO!" Babs moaned.
     "Oh, YES!" Bugs grinned. "I'll see youse in me office bright an' oily
foist t'ing in da mornin'... an' dat goes fer Shoiley and Fifi, too! Bye-ee!"
And the limo took off for reality, leaving the forlorn Amazing Three behind.
     "We're dead," Babs sighed, as she, Shirley and Fifi walked to their
respective homes, not bothering to look at each other. Buster, Lola, Mary,
Plucky and Bethany looked on.
     "You know, I almost feel sorry for them," Buster sighed.
     "Oh, you do not," Plucky said.
     Buster brightened. "You know, you're right? They'll deserve whatever
Bugs comes up with."
     "So, Lola, are you gonna change your mind about leaving Acme Loo?" Mary
asked, as Bethany began playing eagerly with her ponytail again.
     "Hmmm... let me think about that for a second. Okay, I've thought about
it." She smiled broadly. "Sure, I'll stay."
     "All right, Lola!" Buster grinned.
     Lola shrugged. "I've got no choice. I signed a contract... and those things
are reportedly hard to break."
     "Yeah," Plucky agreed, "those folks at WB Legal get really miffed if..."
     "Who's talking about them?!?" Lola said with astonishment. "I'm talking
about my rental contract with Daphne! I hear she gets mad when you try to
break a lease!"
     Buster, Mary and Plucky stared at her, then began laughing.
     "Oh, brother!" snickered Plucky. "What a school year THIS is gonna be!"
     Buster exchanged a knowing wink with Mary. "Was there ever any doubt?"
they asked.
     And as it turned out, it was... but that's ANOTHER story.
========================================================
                            THE END.
========================================================
TINY TOON ADVENTURES, LOONEY TUNES, SPACE JAM and all related
characters, trademarks and indicia are copyrighted 1997 by Warner Bros., Inc. 
(c)1997, Warner Bros. Inc., a Time Warner Company.
The character of BETHANY BUNNY was created by Lee M. Withers. (c)1997.
This is a work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken as canon... but
what else is new? All copyrighted Warner Bros. characters are used without
permission, but with a heck of a lot of admiration.
========================================================
WOMAN WHO CLEANS THINGS UP AFTER BETHANY: QUEEGEE BANANAHO.

End Credit Cameo:
Honey Bunny (in TTA circle with an armload of packages): "When the going
gets furry, the furry go shopping! Bye now!"