STORY 1 Of "The Life Goes On" Trilogy. MULTIFIFITY INITIAL CONCEPT BY LES VENSEL WRITTEN AND REFINED BY ABEL DUSABLE dusable@escape.ca CHAPTER ONE: Buster was totally and utterly surrounded. There was no place to turn and no escape. He was blocked in every direction. All options were exhausted, all choice eliminated. It was a completely hopeless and lost cause. Buster screamed in complete and utter frustration. "AUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" How he hated daytime T.V. in the summertime. Everything was reruns, reruns, reruns. Even the golf tournaments were reruns. Buster felt ill. Normally he's just have gone over to ACME Videomart and picked up a flick but a quick phone call had confirmed that EVERYTHING was taken, including "Kramer vs. Kramer". The only thing that was left was Disney's live-action remake of "101 Dalmations" and Buster wasn't THAT desperate yet. The key word being "yet"... He was rapidly approaching that plateau of boredom at an alarming rate when a familiar voice echoed through his burrow. "Buster? Hey Buster! You down there Blue ears?" "Babs!" he cried out in joy. After all, she of all people could save him from his boredom. "Down here!" Babs hopped into his T.V. room with Plucky, Shirley and Fifi in tow. Buster smiled and leapt from his chair. "What's up guys?" He asked, full of hope. "We're going to the park for a picnic and a game or two of soccer. You wanna come?" Buster zipped into his kitchen and zipped back with a full picnic basket in his arms. "All set." He chimed happily. "Woah!" remarked Plucky "You must be desperate to get out of here." "Don't get me started, Plucky." Twenty minutes later (or one zip pan whichever's faster) they arrived at the park with a surprise. The grass on the soccer field was eye level high. Plucky was as usual the first to comment. "There goes the soccer game." "Like get crucial Plucky. They might be like, restoring natural prairie land or some junk." "Non. Zat is not it." Said Fifi pointing out the nearby and unused soccer field tending equipment. " Due to a negatif cash surplus, ze city 'as not yet alloted any money for park upkeep zis year. Some cutbacks 'ad to be made to keep up ze rest of ze park." Plucky walked over to an inert motorized line laying device and gave it a kick. "Stupid budget restraints." THUNK! "Owwwwww!" As Plucky hopped about cradling his injured foot and scowling at the laughter of his friends, the line layer rumbled to life and lazily wandered off unnoticed, leaving a bright white line behind to mark it's passing. "Like, serves you right Plucky." laughed Shirley. "Fer sure." echoed Babs, mimicing Shirley's valleygirl accent. Buster just smiled and kept from making any wisecracks when a strange thought struck him. He pulled Babs over to one side and whispered in her ear. "Hey Babsey, since when does Fifi keep track of political doings?" "Ever since we got back from Spring Break. Hamton dumped her for some duck-girl he met." "What? That-That's so cold." "Yeah, and ever since then Fifi's been so lonely she's taken up watching the Political Channel to fill her uh... "spare time". "In other words she can't find a date to save her life. Poor Fifi." "That's why I organized this little outing. I was hoping to keep her occupied with a good time so that she would forget her loneliness, if only for a little while. So don't bring up any bad memories. Got it Blue ears?" "Got it Babs." Buster looked across at Fifi who was still smiling from Plucky's tomfoolery and forced himself to smile. Everyone had such high hopes for Fifi and Hamton, if for anything it had a curbing effect on her "appetite" for "skunk hunks". Lately he had noticed an increased nervousness among the toons when they walked past her. On top of that he did note that she had seemed depressed as of late but when he had asked her the cause, she told him it was because of the latest "socio-political ramifications of the recent break up of what was left of the former Soviet Republic". After that point Buster just zoned out as she droned on, and on, and on. Buster actually found himself drifting off just thinking about it when a bright flash from the other side of some trees caught his attention. "What was that?" "What was what, Buster?" "I though I saw a flash of light over there, Babs. Maybe we should investigate." "I'm game if you are." The five toons passed through the thin veil of trees to an enourmous clearing with a tall hill at the far end. At the top of the hill were an assortment of large black blocks. "What is it B'wana?" inquired Babs, squinting for a better look. "I-I don't know Babsey." Buster replied climbing the hill. The four other toons followed him to the top where they just stared at the circle of black monoliths before them. "This, like reminds me of a past life or some junk. I was a druid in England and we did some, like totally spiritual things around Stonehenge..." Shirley was interrupted when, without warning, a figure popped out from behind one of the big, black, metal boxes. It was Calamity Coyote, clad not only in his trademark ruby red tennis shoes but also a white labcoat and goggles. Oblivious to the other toons he continued to unravel a handful of the machine's mechanical guts. "Calamity?" Buster, Babs, Plucky, Shirley and Fifi all exclaimed as one. Calamity looked up from his work and waved in recognition. "What are you doing out here in the middle of ACME Park with this... thing?" "I'm testing it out, Plucky." Calamity signed, his hands forming sign language in the air. "I just need a lot of open space, that's all." "I think what Plucky wants to know is, what does it do?" "Well Babs, do you remember all that fuss over cloning sheep a while ago?" "Yes." "Well this is my Clone-O-Matic, a much faster, cleaner and more efficient way to clone living tissue." " Like, Why would you want to build such a thing?" Asked Shirley. "I dunno. I couldn't sleep a few nights back, so I started tinkering around in my garage and..." Calamity shrugged and gestured at the gigantic and complicated apparatus. "Wow, if this is tinkering I hope I never see you when you're obsessed." mused Babs. "Does it work?" "See for yourself Buster." Calamity tossed each of them a bright green apple. "It clones any living or organic matter instantly. One is the original and the others are the clones. Guess which is which." Shirley handled her apple gingerly, as if she had been handed a live grenade. "Like mondo bizzaro. The life force in wind feels totally weird compared to the others or some junk." "Yours is the original, Shirley. The others are the reproductions." Fifi walked over to one particularly interesting looking portion of the Clone- O-Matic and ran her fingers across it's glossy black surface. "It looks just like ze photocopier. No?" "Well, only the copyplate. All you would have to do is place the subject to be copied on or over the bulletproof glass image area, press the copy button and zap. A brand new... whatever." "And do vous plan to copy any persons wis zis copier?" She inquired, lifting the cover. "To be honest, I had planned to be the first person. I wouldn't wan't to risk anyone else's life but my own. Why do you ask?" "I think Fifi was hoping she could clone herself a new boyfriend." Joked Plucky, moments before Shirly brought a very heavy mallet down on his head. "Like go bowl for dollars you lunchmeat!" After recomposing herself, Shirly turned her attention to the young inventor. "Calamity, fruit is one thing but people have like, souls... and you can't clone a soul or some junk. How could you clone yourself without worrying that your clone would will be a souless non-person or some junk?" "Well, I have noted that my quick clones seem to share their ambient bio- energies evenly among them, taken from the master copy of course. In theory the living soul is a... complex pattern of a yet undiscovered and unidentifiable energies. It is my guess that..." "You plan to like, SHARE your soul with your clones? Isn't that dangerous or some junk?" "You have a better grasp of toon metaphysics than I do, Shirl. But it is my belief that I should be safe so long as I keep the count down to one. Of course I'm still in the peliminary testing stages. It could be months before I'm even ready to attempt........" No one had a chance to finish reading Calamity's sign. A bright flash of light, Fifi's cry of surprise and a strange 'SWISH... DING!' noise saw to that. Finally when everyone's vison cleared they saw a quite dazed Fifi LaFume lying on the ground near the copyplate. "I did not mean to do zat." She apologised, trying to get to her feet. " I was only looking at eet when I must 'ave leaned on ze wrong button." "IMAGE VERIFIED. PERAMETERS SET. FIRST SET COMPLETE. HAVE A NICE DAY." Came a pleasant female voice from the machine. Babs was the first to ask the obvious question. "The first set of what?" The six toons looked about and noticed the one-hundred, Lavender furred, somewhat confused female skunks sprawled at the base of the hill. "Uh oh." Signed Calamity staring down at the crowd before him.. That's when the smell hit them. One hundred skunks worth of smell. Five of the six original toons clamped their hands over their noses. "GUHHHHH!" moaned Babs as she fought off the urge to wretch. "Like, my scentiments exactly, Babs!" wailed Shirley. Plucky was too busy with dry heaves to comment. "What ees wrong?" Asked Fifi, completely oblivious to the overpowering scent of her clones. "Let's just say we are experiencing an overdose of your natural defenses, Feef." gagged Buster. Fifi carefully sniffed the air and seemed quite surprised. "Oh! I was not aware I was so defensif, Bustaire." Calamity madly searched his pockets for something and finally drew out a small nasal mist bottle. With a grin he shoved it into his nostrils and gave it a squeeze. Withdrawing the bottle he cautiously sniffed the air and smiled in relief before placing the bottle into Buster's hands. "Use it." he signed "It neutralizes Butylmercaptain fumes." "Thanks Calamity." said Buster, ramming the bottle up his nose and taking a healthy dose. "Ahhhh. I can breathe again." The bottle was passed from one greatful toon to the next followed by sighs of relief until winding up in the hands of Fifi LaFume who eyed it suspiciously. "Urm. Why would vous carry such a theeng around, Calamity? Eet seems as eef vous almost expected coming into close quarters with a skunk. No?" Calamity scowled at Fifi, but his perfectly good scowl was ruined by the red of a blush that crept onto his cheeks. "You should know perfectly well why I would develop that neutralizer!" he signed at her. Babs arched an eyebrow and nudged Shirley in the side with her elbow. "Methinks that blush lets on a great deal more information than Calamity might mean to tell." "Like, don't let your imagination wander off or some junk, Babs. You may be reading more than what's printed, here." "Look Calamity," began Fifi, looking very sympathetic. "I am very sorry zat I 'ave, Urm... mistaken vous for a male skunk in ze past, but zat was a long time ago. Ze series is ovaire. No? Zis ees a whole new chaptaire in our lives. Can't you leave zose memories behind like moi trys to do?" "Yeah, right. The next time I wind up in stripes you'll jump me again. And again, and again, and again! Don't you see? This kind of thing doesn't end just because the series does. "The same situation will forever be forced on you and I , Fifi, just because it's funny. All I can do about it is be prepared and not take it personally." Calamity sighed, looked into Fifi's eyes and smirked. "I just wish for once you'd jump Buster or Plucky." "HEY!!" Cried Buster and Plucky in unison. "As interesting as zat would be I don't sink Babs or Shirley would let me get away wis zat." Good natured chuckling went through the group when five clones broke away from the rest of the throng. "Pardonnez Moi." began one clone. "What ees going on 'ere." "Sacre Blue! Zey are so much like moi... but where is my bow?" asked Fifi staring at her clones." "The Clone-0-matic can only copy LIVING material. As delightful as it looks on you I'm afraid it doesn't count. "Signed Calamity looking over the clones with a citical eye. "Not bad. I had no idea that it could handle such a complex organism at this stage. The Implications are staggering. Still, the question remains... what DOES one do with one-hundred Fifi clones?" "Treat us kindly?" Said one clone. "And clone us some petite skunk hunk DATES!" Cried another. A ripple of agreement moved through the sea of clones and the original Fifi looked worried. "Calamity, Zat was ze exact, last thought I 'ad when ze accident 'appened. What eef zat ees ze primary thought in zeir minds?" Calamity's ears drooped in fear as the clones began chanting, "SKUNK HUNK! SKUNK HUNK! SKUNK HUNK! SKUNK HUNK! SKUNK HUNK! SKUNK HUNK!" "Oh no." he signed, his eyes wide with terror. "Great. That's all we needed around here." Growled Plucky. "A small army of love starved female skunks roaming about." "Nobody panic." Said Buster, taking charge of the situation. "We have to keep the situation from getting worse." No sooner had the words left his mouth when a nimbus of sickly green light surrounded every clone and the multitude instantly doubled. Where once was ONE hundred purple skunk clones now TWO hundred clones stood. The gang recoiled in shock. "Uhoh, population bomb." Quipped Babs. "They- split in two... each of them!" Stammered Buster. "So much for keeping the situation from getting worse, oh fearless leader." "Quiet Plucky. What's going on Calamity?" "They must be unstable. As time passes, their bodies reach a point of fission and they split." A loud groan from behind caused the team to turn around in time to see Fifi doubled over on the ground. All of her body's color was at half it's usual intensity. She looked up at them with an expression of total shock and confusion. "Help... me..." She moaned. Shirly quickly knelt beside her and made several hand motions over her before emitting a gasp of surprise. "GASP! Her spirit is like, totally being drained away, and with it her life!!" Shirly stood up and shook Calamity by the shoulders. "You've got to like, undo this or some junk! Don't you see? Every time they split it'll take more and more of her essence until... until..." Shirly trailed off and released Calamity from her grip. The other toons looked on in silence as Calamity took out his slide rule and made some quick calculations. "She's right." He signed, finishing his equasions. "Within the span of two hours the clones will have all of her life force. I'm optimistic that the process can be reversed however all of the copys MUST be here in order for it to work. "No problem." Quipped Buster. "As long as a male skunk (or a reasonable substitute doesn't happen by we should be just fine." Suddenly the clones issued an earsplitting shriek of joy. Buster turned his head in time to see Pepe LePew just happening by. "I hate plot complications." He groaned as the army of Fifi's swarmed towards Pepe. "Quelle est?" Said Pepe as he turned in time to see the thundering herd of clones bounding towards him. "You know... it is possible to be too attractive." Fortunately his sense of self preservation was still working and he was off like a rocket in the opposite direction. Babs did her patented spin change into Billy Crystal from City Slickers. "STAMPEDE!!" "Leeeeeettttt, the worrying begin!" Cried out Plucky in his best impression of Freakazoid. "Everybody grab a net, it roundup time!" Shouted Babs as the mass rumbled out of sight in pursuit of the fleeing skunks. "Babs is right. We'll gather the clones together, you prep the machine into reverse, Calamity." Calamity saluted Buster and was about to dive into the machine's inner workings again when Buster tapped him on the shoulder and continued. "Keep an eye on Fifi, o.k.? She's in no shape to go out and find herself." Calamity glanced over at Fifi who was struggling to stand up and nodded in silent agreement. Buster, Babs, Shirly and Plucky Paired off and chased after the clones with nets in hand, hoping they would be in time to help Fifi pull herself together. ActII Furrball was enjoying himself at his family reunion in Acme Acre's park. While all of the adults engaged in polite conversation over picnic tables laden with food, he and his brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews hung out in the rollergrounds. The rollergrounds was the huge concrete bowl in the landscape that was used by skateboarders and rollerbladers to show off their skills. The youth of Furrball's family was no exception. Totally absorbed in ones-upmanship they did not hear the lazy "putt-putt" of an errant motorized line layer until it was teetering at the top of the rollerground's bowl. Furrball looked up at it with the rest of his family and everyone simutaniously, got a bad feeling about this. Before anybody could react, the line layer toppled over the edge and raced down the side of the bowl with blinding speed. Some cats tried to run but were mowed down, and then the contraption hit the opposite side and turned around for another pass. With every pass more and more cats fell until the machine ran out of gas and finally slowed to a stop. With the danger now over, Furrball stuck his thumb into his mouth and blew. With a hiss and a loud pop he reinflated to his proper dimensions, stood up, dusted himself off and froze when he saw every one of his kin in the rollergrounds sported a white stripe up their backs. Furrball checked his own back and found that all too familiar white stripe that plagued his life periodically. Since everyone in his family had dark fur they resembled a pack of skunks... well... from a distance. Before depression could kick in Furrball brightened up. "There is, after all, only ONE female in all of Acme Acres that could cause a problem." Thought Furrball to himself. The odds are forty six against that she would choose him to chase when there were forty five other 'skunk substitutes' around him to choose from. Pepe LePew vaulted the edge of the rollergrounds and ran past the puzzled felines at full tilt. "Pardonez moi! Desperate skunk comeeng through! Run for vous lives!" As Pepe exited the rollergrounds a loud rumble filled the air. Once again everybody looked up to the edge of the bowl only to see hundreds of purple female skunks staring hungerily down at them. "**SACRE BLUE!!** C'est smorgasboard de Petite Skunk Hunks!" they chanted in unison before surging into the concrete bowl. Furrball and his kin ran for their lives but lost twelve to the living wave. It was ready. The actual recalibration of the machine was child's play and now all he had to do was wait. Calamity tried to busy himself by checking and rechecking all of the systems on his Clone-o-matic but... he couldn't get his mind off of Fifi sitting there with her back to the machine. She looked so pale, her normally lavender fur was so washed out it almost qualified as a grey. Her lively hairdo hung about her face in a limp and lifeless manner. Even the state of her fur seemed ragged and somehow "undone". A low groan issued from Fifi as she grew a shade more grey. Calamity squeezed his eyes shut as that sound seemed to stab deep into his heart. He cursed himself for creating this awful machine. By all rights it should have been him lying there instead of her. He had never meant for anyone to get hurt, it had just been another scientific avenue for him to explore. Fifi groaned and shivered in the warm summer air. Calamity knelt down beside her and felt her forehead and was shocked to discover she was ICE COLD! Quickly shrugging off his lab coat he draped it across her form and her eyes opened slightly. Not a lot but enough for him to see how watery and clear they had become. Like pale colored glass. Those eyes looked into his with such pain and trust he knew he HAD to do something more for her. He had never seen her like this, so... vulnerable. She was usually filled with so much pep and vigor but now... he had reduced her to this. She desperately needed moral support and he was the only source right now. So Calamity did something he hadn't done in years. Some thing he hadn't done since the accident... Calamity spoke. "Feef..." he croaked, the syllables like molten glass in his long unused vocal cords. In spite of the pain he tried again, praying he wouldn't scream. "Fifi... can, can you hear me?" The pain was almost unbearable but it was getting easier to speak. "Calamity." Came her gentle whisper, like wind in a willow tree. "Calamity, vous can speak." Calamity grinned in spite of the pain, "Hard to talk, been so long." "I nevair knew you could." "I didn't think I could either... How are you doing?" "It's cold, Calamity. so very cold." He slipped his arms around her hoping to donate some of his own body heat to her and her shivering subsided. "How's that? Any better?" "Oui. Some... Merci." She paused as if recollecting her strength. "Calamity?" "Yes?" "I'm scared. I- I'm going to die am I not?" "You're not going to die." He growled, his raspy voice taking on a tone that surprised even him. "I won't let you go without a fight." "But 'ow can vous win? Zere must be ovair tree hundred faux Fifis out zere by now. 'Ow will vous get them all back in time?" She paused a long uncomfortable pause. "C'est tres 'opeless." "NO!" he cried, his emotional pain going beyond his physical. "Don't even think like that! I won't let you give up. Do you hear me? ...please don't give up. Who would Buster study French with in Forign Film 101? Who would Furrball dance with at the Cool Club? Who'd be Shirly's lab partner in Toon Logic? Who..." he struggled to find something else for her to live for when it just popped out of his mouth. "Who will sexually harass me every time I get a white stripe down my back?" Fifi smiled a single sweet wonderful smile. Calamity placed his hand against her cheek and she leaned weakly into his palm. "Why Calamity Coyote, moi 'ad no idea vous felt such a way towards me." Once more the blush returned to Calamity's face. She had caught him one last time and this time he couldn't escape. "Well..." he stumbled for the right words. "You are not... unattractive. If it hadn't been for your scent I'd... I'd have loved every minute of your affections during those... episodes." "Vous are so sweet. Merci beaucoup for vous honesty." Fifi reached up and out, touching Calamity's face and tracing his canine features with her fingers. "Moi 'ad never noticed before but vous... are not unattractive either. Sort of nerdy in a coyoteish way but vous are actually quite cute, n'est pas? Per'aps when zis is ovair we could 'ave dinnaire. No?" "O.K." Said Calamity unaware that his blush had deepened. "Just as long as you don't stand me up by dieing on me or something, Kay?" "D'accord. Zat would be a faux pas on ze first date. **HNNNNNGGGHHHH!!!**" Fifi winced as she paled yet another shade. Calamity hugged her close wishing he could take her pain from her as his own. "Please hurry guys." He pleaded, looking at his watch. "Time's running out." Buster and Babs watched in amusement as Pepe clung to the top of a flagpole swinging a sizable club at the clones. "Well, what do ya know." "Know what Babsey?" "The old adage about beating girls off with a stick is actually true. Who'da thunk it?" "Au secours! Zis ees too much of the good theeng. Yes? Control yourself madame! Release my leg!" Buster paused a moment to examine the net he was carrying before speaking. "I think we're going to need a bigger net." Chased from the rollergrounds by the ravenous polecats, the panicing felines sought cover in the overgrown soccer field. "NO!" thought Furrball watching them disappear from sight. "Don't go into the long grass!" but his silent pleas obviously went unheeded. Torn between a sense of responsibility and his sense of self preservation, Furrball opted for the former and raced into the overgrown grass after the others. As they waded into the middle of the swaying field, the heads of three lavender skunks rose up slowly, glimpsed the skunk-like cats and swiftly decended, back into the grass... It began quickly. On all sides of the cats, the grass rippled as clones moved towards them, undetected, inexoriable as torpedoes. One cat was suddenly dragged down, yanked silently below the surface of the tall grass. In his place long white and purple tails rise up as four clones pucker up and go in for the kill! One by one the group is brought down and ravaged in the tall grass. Finally, only Furrball remained, his face fell, defeated. Looking around he realized that now, he too was stranded in the middle of this... field of screams. Six torpedo-like trails began heading straight for him. Furrball simply closed his eyes, tied a blindfold around them and awaited his fate. Plucky and Shirley ducked into an alleyway completely out of breath. Ten minutes ago an unfortunate encounter with the infamously nearsighted 'Magoo Crew' of the city roadworks department had rendered the two waterfowl stained black with asphalt and an all too familiar double stripe down their backs. For the past EIGHT minutes they had been running from no less than fifty of Fifi's dopplegangers. "I -pant- think we -wheeze- lost them Shirley." "I like -GASP- hope so. -Pant pant- I don't mind being treated like -wheeze- one of the guys, but not to THAT extent." "Still... it would be an interesting way to go." "PLUCKY! I cannot be-lieve you just said that!" "Relax Shirl, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant the idea of being loved to death." "Oh... I... suppose there are.. worse things." "Y'know we REALLY should get Feef to an Opt... Ornth... Opthamo... Eye Doctor when this is over. We look nothing like skunks, and yet her clones are all over us." "I guess she concentrates only on markings, or some junk." "That, or she must be the most desperate toon in Acme Acres." "Like, that isn't true. YOU'RE the most desperate toon in Acme Acres, Plucky." "Hardy-Har-Har, Shirl. Keep it up and I'm handing you over to the clones the next chance I get." "SACRE BLUE!! DEUX PETITE SKUNK HUNKS!!!" Plucky and Shirley were off and runnning as the clones poured into the alley after them. Calamity couldn't wait any longer, the others were doing their best to gather the clones but it was taking too long. Fifi did not have much time left. This was a desperate time and desperate measures had to be taken. Reaching into his left pocket he pulled out a roll of white Duct-Tape (the handyman's secret weapon) tore off a sizable portion and applied it to the length of his spine. He then withdrew a large megaphone from his right pocket and positioned himself at the top of the hill and faced the city. Fifi looked at him with puzzlement and asked the obvious question. "Calamity... what are you doing?" "I- I'm going to make things right again. I promise." The young coyote firmly planted both feet, braced himself for the task at hand, took a deep breath and called into megaphone. His greatly amplified voice echoed through the streets of the city and out into the surrounding countryside of Acme Acres. "Allo!? I am zee young, eligible skunk hunk bachelor, no? I am new in Acme Acres and 'ope to meet zee pretty female skunk bachelorette, yes? I can only 'ope one can 'ear my voice n'est pas? I am after all quite lonely, 'andsome and into romance, cuddling and sensitivity." Calamity stopped as a low rumble filled the air. He peered out and saw legion upon purple legion of love-starved female skunks stampeding towards his position. He began to feel complete and absolute terror. In their fever they could tear him apart. His intelligence told him there was still time to run. He thought of Fifi and found his courage. His thumb flicked the megaphone to maximum and he barked an order at them with the most commanding tone of voice his damaged vocal cords could muster. "**ARRETEZ!!!***" "To his surprise the mighty herd of clones came to a stop at the base of the hill. Calamity whipped out his calculator, punched in a few figures and concluded that they were all there. Gazing out at the multitude he saw all those expectant faces. "So much like Fifi, "he mused "but mere parodies of her." After all, they lacked her self-restraint, such as it was, and her charm. These were nothing more than love-machines with only one purpose in mind and willing to do anything to get it. Calamity knew his ruse wouldn't last and realized they had to be neutralized quickly. Suddenly, a thought struck him and a wicked grin spread across his face. "Mademoiselles!", he called to throng with the megaphone, "I can not tell you 'ow delighted I am to see so many lovely ladies in zis city who are interested in moi. Alas! I am a monogamist, I can only date one femme at a time. I must choose one now... and ze rest of you for another day. But 'ow to choose?" The clones began to call out promises and suggestions of what they might do to and for him if he chose them. (Most of which made him want to blush with shame.) He had let the suspense build then he continued the address. "I know! I must confess zat I 'ave always 'ad a certain fondness for femmes zat look good in a sweater. Per'aps if you..." Calamity didn't even have a chance to finish as the clones vanished with a loud *KAPWING!* leaving behind over 800 dust trails before reappearing with a deafening *ZUIPP!!* Every single one of them was dressed in a sweater of one form or other. Many of which were two to three sizes too small. As Calamity's heart skipped a few beats, he made a mental note to tell Fifi she should wear more sweaters. "That's...very good!", he exclaimed reining in his hormones. "You may all remove your sweaters while I make my decision." As it was a hot day, the clones removed their sweaters with alarming speed and froze as the air about them crackled. In the blink of an eye over 800 clones flew together into giant purple ball of static cling. The air was filled with indecipherable French cursing when Calamity ripped the duct tape from his back and smiled slyly. "If only it were as easy with Roadrunners." The other toons had to admit it was quite the sight. After all, eight hundred plus Fifi clones in a big ball had to be a world's record of some kind. Shirley had to keep her psychic shields in place to protect herself from the repetitive thought patterns. There were so many minds with the same "Psychic Fingerprint" that it was as if they were a single Mega-mind. Plucky read over Calamity's new instruction manual for the Clone-O-matic and frowned at what he saw. "Hey guys. I know I missed a lot of 'Weird Science' classes but according to the manual the field effect will cover the area we have allotted but Fifi herself will have to be at ground zero when it goes off." "Your point being?" Inquired Babs peering over his shoulder. "The point is, do you think she could balance on that dinky little photocopier plate in her current condition? I think not. Unless someone Dippy Glues her butt to that thing SOMEBODY is going to have to hold her in place... which is not a good thing." "Like, why not, or some junk?" asked Shirley looking over his other shoulder for a look. "Well, I'm a little fuzzy on the details but it says here that Fifi's clones will rephase into her. That would be... about 400 into 1. You with me so far?" "Go on, Plucky." Said Buster "We're listening." "Well, in the case of Mister... or Miss lucky, the arithmatic becomes 0 into 1. Take a wild guess how many times zero goes into one." "Zero goes into one... no times." Mumbled Buster, catching on. "But it's only a theory, right?" "Yes, just a theory." Echoed Babs in a tone that belied her doubt. "So, like, to save Fifi one of us has to, like... like..." "Put our head in a guillotine and hope the blade doesn't fall?" "Subtle as always, eh Plucky?"Said Buster looking aquardly at his friends. "So, which one of us will it be?" Apprehensive glances were exchanged between the toons when the Clone- O-matic's voice interrupted their drama thick moment. "BEEP. MASTER COPY IN PLACE. READY TO REVERSE CYCLE. HAVE A NICE DAY. BEEP." "What the... CALAMITY?!" cried Babs when she realized that Calamity was standing on the copy plate with Fifi in his arms. "What are you doing?" "What must be done." He croaked. "What... I must do." The remaining four toons were taken aback by both Calamity's act of self sacrifice and his previously unheard voice. He nodded to Buster who understood the unsaid signal. Buster walked over to the control panel, made a short silent prayer, pressed the button and quickly backed away as Calamity and Fifi were engulfed in a shaft of light. Calamity took one last look at the girl in his arms. All hue had left her body, she was now only grainy shades of grey but even now, in ths low resoloution condition she had a degree of her looks. As the light grew too great to bear Calamity closed his eyes and he finally realized something. He had grown fond of... no, that he had always been in love with Fifi LaFume. The light from the copyplate had become a pillar rising up to the heavens, disrupting angelic traffic for miles around Acme Acres. Buster and his friends couldn't see anything and were forced to avert their eyes on account of the brightness. (Except for Plucky who had produced a set of welder's goggles from someplace and looked quite smug about it.) Without warning, radiant pseudopods erupted from the pillar and snared all of the clones and dragged them screaming into the light. There was a final sudden burst of illumination before the cycle ended with an anticlimatic 'DING'. The light was gone. The clones were gone. All that remained was Calamity and the limp figure of Fifi in his arms. He stepped from the plate and examined Fifi. She was still the same grainy shade of grey and her body was still ice cold. The sensation of dread filled his being as he lowered her to the ground, felt for a pulse... and found none. "No." he croaked as the others gathered around. "Nooooo." He whimpered as he squeezed his eyes shut to stay the flow of tears that streamed down his face. He failed her. When he was needed the most, when SHE needed him the most he failed to save her. He held her lifeless body tight against his own, just... holding her as the others looked on in dumbfounded silence. They couldn't believe it. They had never seen a toon die before. Jokes yes, but not a toon. Up until now they weren't even sure it could happen and yet here was one of their own closest friends... dead. Buster looked down at Calamity crying and cuddling Fifi as if trying to will her back. Calamity laid Fifi out gently upon the grass, folded her hands across her chest, stood up and began to walk away. Seeing the pain her friend was in was greater than her own sense of loss, Shirly ran over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. She was ready to give him a newage comfort speech on reincarnation and the Circle of Life, (Tm. Disney) when he simply turned his head and gave her a look that could have frozen Helium. Shirly cautiously removed her hand and slowly backed away as anyone would with a wounded predator. Calamity resumed his stride and vanished into the woods. "Poor guy." Said Babs. "I never knew this would hit him so hard." "Yeah." Agreed Plucky. "He must feel like total compost right now. After all it WAS his machine." "Shut up, Plucky." Buster said flashing him a dirty look. "We have a job to do now. Someone has to call... the Morgue." "I'll do it." Said Babs pulling out her cell phone. "Like, somebody should tell her parents, or some junk." "Oh that'll be just peachy! 'Mister and Mrs. LaFume? I'm sorry but your daughter is laid out on a slab.'" "Plucky! How can you be so insensitive?!" "Practice?" "One of our closest friends has just died here!" Buster yelled into Plucky's face. "Do you really think I don't know that?" Plucky began in a cool tone. "Your problem is that you think everyone has the luxury of your 'I'll be sad later, right now we have a job to do.' mentality. Many of us don't! Some of us have other ways to deal with the pain. This just happens to be mine." "Like, mellow out you two. We're forgetting someone here." "Don Knotts?" "No, Calamity. I'm, like worried he might do something totally rash, or some junk." "I'll watch over him Shirl." Volenteered Buster running into the forest. "You give Plucky some sensitivity training." Buster outran Plucky's comeback and traveled down the only path that Calamity could have taken. At the end he found another clearing, smaller than the last but with a pile of rocks in the middle and a depressed coyote seated upon them. "Calamity? You O.K. buddy?" Buster was met with only silence so he tried again. "Com'on, I know you can hear me. Give me a sign." "GO AWAY!" said the small white sign that he flashed over his shoulder. "Cute. Listen, it's not your fault. You did everything you could to save her. These things sometimes happen, even to us toons." "It happened to her. I was the catalyst. Ergo: my fault." "Aw, that's a load of pellets and you know it! It was an accident, pure and simple! You even risked your life for hers. You'd think that counted for something." The sign slipped from the young Coyote's fingers and fell to the ground with a wooden clatter. That's when he spoke. "I... promiced her, Buster. I told her that I wouldn't let her die." "You couldn't have known..." "I should have. I'm the brainy nerd, right? I should have foreseen the outcome but I lied to her. I told her she'd be alright." "You didn't lie to her. You just..." "We even made dinner plans, Buster. Dinner plans, while she was dieing. I'm such a fool." "Dinner plans? When did this happen." "Some time after I confessed that I thought she was beautiful and she told me I was cute." "Sounds like you two bonded during all that bedside manner." "Yeah, I know I should have kept my distance but..." "But you made her last little bit of time comfortable?" "I still wish I could have done more." "Perhaps what you did was enough. Would you have wanted her to pass on alone and frightened?" "No, but..." "And do you think she would have wanted you to hate yourself like this?" "...no. She would never want that." "What do you think she would want?" "I- I don't know. To remember her for who she was and to share that with others?" "Sounds about right to me." "But I still feel..." "Pain lasts Kid." Said Buster in his best 'Maxx' impression. "It's how you know you're alive." Placing his hand on Calamity's shoulder he gave a slight smile. "Com'on, I'll walk you home." Calamity sat there for a minute as if absorbing Buster's words. Finally he stood up, turned around and looked at Buster with his eyes that had become red from crying. "Could... could we make a stop along the way?" "Sure." Plucky, Shirley and Babs watched on in somber silence as the morgue people moved Fifi into the awaiting airtight, metal casket. Soon she would be carried off to the morgue to await autopsy to determine the cause of death. Shirl was on the verge of crying when she felt a warm hand slip around hers and gently squeeze it. It was Plucky's. She looked over at him and realized that he wasn't looking at her. He was staring straight ahead at the scene before them, as if burning the image into his memory. If Shirly wasn't so afraid of exposing herself to the sea of emotions around her she'd have been tempted to drop her psychic shields and peer inside his mind right now. Unlike most people she knew who were generally good with the occasional moments of ego or pettiness, Plucky seemed the reverse. Egotistical, greedy, glory- driven and yet he had his moments of... becoming a sensitive, caring individual. Perhaps this was one of those times. Inside that feather adorned skull may have been the grief of losing a friend, a duck wrestling with his own mortality or even his realization that were conditions different, it could've been... her. Suddenly she realized that maybe Plucky was frightened that he might one day lose her. She wasn't sure if that was in his thoughts, but it was the only thing that made sense right now. Plucky HAD stood there for five minutes without making any jokes, cracks or even the slightest hint of a snide comment so Shirly knew he had to have been affected by this deeper than he was letting on. And there was something in the way he held her hand. Strong yet gentle and she could almost feel comfort being exchanged between the two of them. In spite of her grief at the loss of her best friend, Shirly smiled. Moments like this *almost* made up for the rest of their relationship. If only they could last forever in this silent instant... but reality always had a way of intruding in on those perfect points in time. "Do... you think they'll arrest Calamity for her death?" asked Babs who was now dressed in a black dress and veil. Plucky's hand disengaged from her own indicating to Shirly that the moment had passed. "I dunno," he quietly answered. "Our laws are kinda fuzzy around those mad scientist types." The casket was about to be closed when Calamity and Buster returned. "Wait!" Called Calamity. "I'd just like to say goodbye." The Morgue guys looked at each other, shrugged, and stepped aside to let Calamity stand beside the casket. He stood there, gazing at her beauty and wanting so desperately to cry but finding all his tears had been used up. He reached out, took her hand in his and running his fingers across her lavender furred fingers, smiled slightly. "At least I gave you back your color." He whispered. "I guess it was a delayed reaction." His smile slowly disappeared and his breathing grew shaky once more as his emotions began their assault anew. "I'm sorry. I never wanted this to happen, especially not to you. I never told you this... but from the day we first met, I always thought you were beautiful. Well, maybe in my own detached way but... I didn't have the courage to let you know. "I remember when we bumped into one another in the line up for auditions. I thought I was late and ran right into you. We both dropped our portfolios and the look you gave me... I thought I was going to need a tomato bath for sure but then you surprised me. You apologized and helped me to pick up my stuff along with yours and when you left to get into line you winked at me. I couldn't believe you had been so kind, it was a new experience for me. But then we got our assignments and I thought that there was nothing in the writer's bible that would let me see you again other than in passing bye. So I convinced myself nothing could ever come of a coyote and a skunk... too many differences so I threw myself into my work. "Everything they wanted me to be, I became. "Then... somebody in the writing department though it'd be hilarious to do the old Pepe LePew shtick in a 90's style with the female as the persuer. I might have acted on my feelings then, regardless of the script but... you just came on so strong. Obvious pun included. I'll admit it now. I was frightened. I never could have imagined you were so aggressive that I was intimidated. "Afterwards I felt so foolish I went right back to work. Letting it become all consuming so I wouldn't have to think of you. I thought I had forgotten but... even outside the show, fate conspired against me. I simply wasn't used to being PREY. And yet... in spite of my self induced doubts I was fascinated by you. I must have two dozen hard copy prints of you hidden in my workshop and every internet link to a download or image of you bookmarked in my database. "Perhaps if I had've stopped running back then, then maybe... no. I can't change this. No matter how much I want to see you alive again. Just to have one last chance to tell you that... I love you. "Or to have that dinner together we planned. It'd have to be at a restraunt because I can't boil water without burning it but I..." "Ca- lam- ity.." "Uh? F-Fifi?" Calamity's eyes slowly opened and gazed into the casket and saw Fifi looking back at him. He felt the warm furry hand in his grasp stir and he realised the impossible happened. "Oh my god. She's ALIVE!!!" "Mmmph. Denial. Last recourse of the doomed." Quipped Plucky. "Calamity? Why am I in zis Box?" Fifi unsteadily climbed out of the Casket, clinging to Calamity for support. The other toons rushed forward to help. "Like, what happened? I thought she, like... you know." "I don't know. Maybe putting all of the clones back together required a certain amount of time for them to rephase into one being. Like waiting for an instant camera's picture to develop. But do you know what? I don't CARE how it was done! She's BACK!!" "But of course, my little coyote. Did vous think I would let a little thing like *La Mort* keep me from possible *Lamour*? "I should have known better." Laughed Calamity hugging the purple polecat to her surprise. "WHOULF! Please Calamity. I am still ze damaged goods. No? Not yet fully recovered." "Sorry." "Mmm. Don't be. It is nice to see a boy so open with his feelings." Despite the fact the Morgue guys were called out on a false alarm they didn't hold a grudge. They gave the toons a lift to the hospital where Fifi was declared by the doctors to be in the pink of health. (It should be noted that she insisted that she was Lavender.) She was later released... but not before an unfortunate incident involving her walking past the trauma ward and causing several dozen shell-shocked cats with stripes complete nervous breakdowns. EPILOGUE 1 Later that week Calamity and Fifi met at a small out-of-the-way Italian Resteraunt at eight for dinner. Calamity's red shoes had been abandoned for a formal looking black pair and his furry bodysuit asides from having been professionally cleaned and pressed now had an accompaning black bow-tie on it's well hidden collar. Fifi had opted for her best green dress accented with a string of faux pearls about her neck. "I do not know 'ow to describe my memories of ze accident." Said Fifi sipping at her grape juice. "It was as if ze whole experience was just one big mosaic of a thousand mirrors. Every one reflecting ze eyes of one clone." "Wow." "Non. 'Wow' describes ze way you caught zem all. You were zo clevaire zat I would 'ave never thought of such an act of subtrafuge." "Well, I gambled on the idea that they lacked your experience and would be far more naive than you." "And I will say one sing... Vous DO look good in stripes." "Uh... thank you." "Vous are blushing again." "Sorry." "Do not be. It looks so cute, and vous voice sounds so much better. Sort of like a young Lance Hendrikson, now. No?" "I've been practicing. For you." Fifi took another sip of her grape juice to give her some time to build up the courage to ask the next question. "Calamity, why 'ave vous been silent for so long?" A deep sigh emerged from the young coyote as he slumped in his seat. He had expected this, and there was no avoiding it. So he told her. He told her of how when he was younger he was a gifted singer. Any part in a musical he wanted was his. Any position in a choir was handed to him on a silver platter. With a voice as angelic as his was he was on his way to the top... and he was quickly gaining an ego easily twice the size of Plucky's. Then one day Little Beeper and some other kids decided to cut him down a few notches by filling his voice atomiser with citric acid to give him a case of 'lemon mouth'. Fate had a crueler trick in store for him and the bottles were mislabeled. What Calamity sprayed his throat with was sulfuric acid. If he hadn't been born a toon he would have died, however when he found out his voice would never be the same again he fell into a deep well of depression that nothing could rouse him from. He completely gave up talking and took to writing what he wanted on signs and chalkboards. Later when he discovered signlanguage he learned that too. He grew to care less and less about what went on about him when Little Beeper began to annoy him. At first Calamity ignored him but the roadrunner persisted and increased his attacks until Calamity became so enraged that he began to fight back. His first attempts failed but that drove him to try harder. Soon he discovered he had talents he didn't know he had. He became interested in acting and learned the art of mime to increase how expressive he could be in his silence. "After a few small parts in some other short-lived cartoons I wound up here in Acme Acres and I stayed here ever since." "I 'ad no Idea." "Nobody did. It was a secret I was careful to keep. You're the first person to hear it. Buster, Babs, Shirley and Plucky are the next because they're eavesdropping in the next booth. You may come out now." Four heads peered over the edge of the booth at Fifi and Calamity. Plucky was the first to find his voice. "How'd you know we were here?" "I sink eet was ze periscope Babs was using." "Way to go dumb Bunny." "Well, you wanted to put a microphone in the Caesar's Salad!" "It could'a worked!" As the argument grew more heated, Fifi glanced slyly at her date. "So Monsieur Calamity Coyote, per'aps vous et moi should conclude our evening over at my place. Zen I can show vous 'ow greatful I am for your saving my life in more. . . Private surroundings. MMMM?" Calamity tugged at his collar to release the sudden steam buildup and grinned sheepishly. "Check Please?!" THE END Epilogue 2 Dawn was rising and Two new lovers were there to greet it. Calamity and Fifi sat on the hood of the Caddillac in the Acme Salvage Yard that served as her home and watched the sun rise. The two had talked the whole night, when they didn't talk, they held hands, and when they didn't hold hands, they kissed passionately and when they weren't kissing, they talked some more. It was a perfect evening for them. The sun had just cleared the horizon when a low muttering interrupted their moment. The duo looked over to the entrance to the salvage yard and saw the oddest thing. A pitch black Sable walked in carrying a charred computer and with a grunt heaved it onto onto a pile of debris. He stopped, looked over and locked eyes with Fifi and let a low growl loose in her direction. "You and your bloody accent caused my spell checker to overheat!" He snarled before storming out of the yard. Fifi looked at Calamity and shrugged. Calamity shrugged in response and the two kissed once more becoming silhouetted by the morning sun. -The End.- Up full insturmental of TTA theme Buster: John Kassir Babs: Tress MacNeille Plucky: Joe Alaskey Shirley: Gail Mathius Fifi: Kath Soucie Calamity: Lance Henrikson Pepe: Maurice LaMarche Furrball: Frank Welker Abel: Me Yet another harmful byproduct of Toast-tech TM. Today's moral... Asphalt stains fur and feathers. Shirley: What!!?