[...unWARP!!!]

Good evening.


PREFACIO



	This is an attempt to expand on one of Tiny Toons Adventures most neglected 
characters: Mary Melody. While most characters were complete in themselves,  Mary,
and plenty of others, could have done much more in the series. Here, her character will be 
expanded and developed probably more than in the entire series (and maybe  all the
previous fanfics put together). Oh, and expect some blatant self-insertion, he he…
	There is also plenty of Spanish dialogue here. For those of you who are  rather
rusty in the language of Cervantes, there is a convenient glossary  right before the credits.

*******


	"Hiya, Toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!"
	"And I'm Babs Bunny."
	"No relation," they chorused.
	Buster then continued with, "Today, on Tiny Toons Adventures, we'll take a 
closer look at one of our classes…"
	The two rabbits happily continued their dialogue in the hall of Acme 
Looniversity. Some distance away, a certain member of the Tiny Toons cast  was
watching as the stars of the show made yet another dialogue to the camera. Quickly, she
turned and walked  away.
	It wasn't that they were doing it wrong. Not at all, in fact, they had done  that
introduction so many times they were practically doing it by reflex. It  might be that it
was getting just a trifle monotonous and annoying, for her, at least.
	No. The problem was that they were on the spotlight, and she wasn't.
	Again.
	Why couldn't the show do an episode on *her,* just once? Sure, there was  one
where it was just Furrball, Sweetie Bird, and her, but the focus was  once again on the
predator/prey team. Not even her pink bikini was able to get the attention off them and 
onto her. And the way things were going, if she had worn nothing she *still*  would not
have got any attention. Today she wore her usual light purple dress shirt and blue jeans,
and her  ponytail was highlighted by a pink bow, but again, no one noticed.
	And why?
	Because that was not her role. She was cast as a simple anchor girl, and 
sometimes as Furrball's alternate owner. That cat switched back and forth  from Elmyra
to her, and even to living on the street, but even that voiceless cat got his own episodes.
	She should have examined her contract more closely before signing. One 
hundred episodes and absolutely none were exclusively about her. There were  exclusives
on Sweetie, Furrball, and even Concord, but not her. Just supporting roles at best, and  a
myriad of cameos, both here and in fandom. She had done so many cameos, in  fact, that
she was officially crowned, "The Queen of Cameos".
	And why?
	Because she was not funny.
	But wasn't that why she was here? To learn how to be funny? That was the 
reason why she applied. She wanted to make others laugh, but given that she  was
probably the sanest student in the entire school, the most she could hope for now was try
out  for wacky newscasts a-la Saturday Night Live. But even then, she would have  to
heavily rely on other writers, as well as current events. Furthermore, she knew that she
would never be  able to do stand-up work, much less loony comedy. No one had come up
to her  asking for a wild-take, not even in Wild Takes Class.
	And the reason was because she simply wasn't funny.
	Nor crazy.
	Nor loony.
	And no one *needed* her to be funny, crazy, or loony.
	She would have transferred a long time ago if her contract hadn't obligated  her to
stay here.
	Slamming her locker shut slightly harder than usual, Mary Melody trudged 
toward her next class, ready to take notes and pay attention, and basically,  to sit in the
shadows as the animal toons, and Montana and Elmyra, were given the spotlight.
	Her secret hope was all but gone now.

*******

"Never underestimate the little people, especially if they outnumber you."  —The J.A.M.

 Cree Summer Franks Luke Ruegger Candi Milo Kath Soucie as Sneezer Calamity
Coyote and Little Beeper as Themselves The J.A.M.



lift up

 MARY

 also starring

 Joe Alaskey Gail Matthius Danny Cooksey Cree Summer Franks as Elmyra and Kath
Soucie as Fifi LaFume



with appearances by

 Charles Adler Tress MacNeille Hadley Kay and Noel Blanc



Written by The J.A.M. (i_am_the_jam@hotmail.com, but please call me J.A.M.)

 Edited by Kevin Mickel.

 * To all who are in search of themselves, and to all who are thrown into the  shadows of
others, and in memory of Charles Martin "Chuck" Jones. *

*******

 UNO  -  IMPORT


	Earlier that morning, no one noticed the new toon as he arrived on his black
bicycle. Perhaps they might have noticed if he had burrowed his way to the Looniversity,
or if he hadflown in and landed there, but his species wasn't the burrowing or flying type.
And it wasn't that his bicycle was like a hundred others, either. Just the opposite: it was a
twin suspensionmountain model, complete with mudguards, reflectors everywhere,
battery-powered lights, a front metal basket with a notebook bouncing in it, a rack on the
back, and footrests on therear axle in case of an impromptu passenger. But as interesting
as the bicycle appeared to be, no one appeared to notice it, or its rider. The toon drove the
bicycle to the correspondingrack in the parking lot, where he dismounted and locked the
vehicle in place. Removing a notebook from the front basket, he took a deep breath and
looked around the place, ears perkedup and tail twitching slightly, as if he was searching
for someone, and then he headed inside the main building. And just as no one paid
attention to the bicycle, the toon padded byunnoticed and ignored by all. He was of the
feline kind, a jaguar, to be exact. Standing at average toon height, he had yellow-orange
fur with a generous allotment of spots. Thoughnormally jaguars do not have manes, his
headfur was quite long and it was combed back from his forehead, and it curled as it
reached his shoulders. An earring was attached to his leftear. He was clad in an oversize
black t-shirt, which had a white "Hecho en México" seal in front, and on the back, it read
"Calidad: Exportable". He wore a gold chain around his neck,which held a gold Cross
and a gold Star of David. A huge black watch, complete with compass, adorned his left
wrist. That appeared to be his only attire, since his t-shirt was longenough to reach his
thighs. He appeared to be either muscular or corpulent, but his t-shirt hid most details of
his torso. 
	Just as he crossed the main doors, he stopped, and looked at thedoorframe. The
paint was chipped in a few places, but otherwise it was a fairly presentable frame. He
padded to the frame, lowered his ears, put his notebook in his jaws, stood on histoes, and
stretched as high as he could. He extended his claws, and scratched the frame several
times as high as he could reach, which was about 30 centimetres from the ceiling.
Hestepped back down, raised his ears again, and satisfied, he continued inside. Padding
down the halls of Acme Looniversity, it almost appeared as if the jaguar was invisible,
since no oneseemed to notice him, or the apparent property defacing he had just done.
Finally, he reached his destination.
	He opened the door to the Admissions Office, and was greeted with a trademark
catch phrase, "Ehh, what's up, Doc?"

	Mary sat at the back of the class, at the left corner, as she was  practically
relegated there. The "stars" of the show automatically took all  the front and middle seats,
and she, on the back, was with the rest of the "bit players," and they were called "bit 
players" because "extras" was just a trifle politically incorrect. Besides,  technically, they
weren't extras.
	They were one step away from being so, however.
	So, in front and middle sat Buster, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, Fifi, Hamton,  Dizzy,
Montana, Elmyra, and Furrball, while at the back there was Calamity,  Little Beeper,
Sneezer, Sweetie Bird, Lightning Rodriguez, and of course, herself.
	She sighed.
	She then saw the door open and close, apparently all by itself, but the  rest of the
class hushed anyways, since the professors had arrived. The  professors climbed on top of
the desk on the left of the classroom, and looked at their class.
	"Good morning, everyone," said Hubie. "I trust everyone finished their 
assignm—"
	"Um, Hubie?" interrupted Bertie.
	"What?" asked the grey mouse, turning to him, slightly annoyed, as his ears 
lowered a trifle.
	"Hubie, I forgot to tell you, but this morning, Bugs gave me this note,"  and he
pulled out a large note from his body pocket, lowering his ears a  trifle himself. "It looks
like we'll be getting a new student today." The class murmured a trifle.
	"New? But we're in the middle of the semester!" replied Hubie, snatching  the
note from Bertie's paws. He pulled out a pair of spectacles, placed them  on his nose, held
the note in front of him, and read, imitating Bugs, "Ehh, youse mices bedda make
arrangements for da new transfer student. All his documents are in ordah and he's reddy
to start in your class."
	Calmly, Hubie removed his spectacles and put them away in his body pocket. 
Then, he straightened his ears again, calmly rolled up the note, and swiftly  he whacked
Bertie's head with it.
	The class laughed at this, including Mary, while Bertie held his head, ears 
flattened, and demanded, "Whattido?! Whattido??!!"
	"You were supposed to tell me *before* we started class!! Now get the 
attendance book and be ready to add him to the list because he'll be coming  in here any
minu—!"
	The door opened again, and everyone turned to it.
	Mary saw a jaguar noiselessly enter and shut the door behind him.
	"Ooooo!! Look at the cute kitty head!!" squealed Elmyra.
	*Oh, great, another furry toon,* thought Mary, shaking her head. *Why  couldn't
there be any more human toons in this Looniversity?* For some  reason, all the attention
that the jaguar had not received in the morning was being received now. All the  students
were looking at him, practically scrutinising him, except for Mary, who just rolled her
eyes in frustration. The mice were instinctively stunned, as their low ears showed, and
they tried to fight off the instinct to flee from a feline, especially a wild one.
	The jaguar looked at the mice, and declared emotionlessly, "Good evening."
	Evening?
	It was 11 o'clock in the morning!
	Hubie raised an eyebrow, but decided to ignore that introduction and asked, 
"You're the new student, right?"
	"Yes." His voice was somewhat deep. He padded to the mice, and asked, "This  is
Platonic Partners 105, right?"
	Bertie snapped out of his instinctive fright and replied, "Oh, what? Sure!  Would
you care to introduce yourself to the class?"
	The panther turned and looked at the class with his orange eyes.  "I AM THE 
J.A.M." Bertie scribbled down his name in the attendance book, an action  that was
captured by the corner of the feline's eye. He suddenly turned and leaned down, "Um,
that's spelled T-h-e-J-period-A-period-M-period."
	Hubie just looked at him, now with relaxed ears, and asked again, "So, um, 
J.A.M., could you tell us a bit about yourself?"
	The J.A.M. straightened up and replied, "I'm from Mexico," and said no  more.
	Mary wasn't sure what was keeping everyone so quiet and so transfixed on  this
new toon. Perhaps it was the fact that he was another predator, and a  roaring one at that.
She only knew that the human/furry ratio in the school had shifted against her yet again.
She decided to look elsewhere, and when she looked to her right, she saw that Lightning
Rodriguez's face had lit up and he had perked up his ears, and Calamity's ears had also
perked up. Not to mention his tail was wagging slightly.
	"Uh, sure," said Hubie. "Take that empty seat on the back row, and we'll  get you
started."
	"Thanks."  Mary saw him pad emotionlessly again down the aisle and sit next  to
Calamity, and all eyes were kept on him until he sat.
	At that point, Plucky turned back and whined, "Oh, great, this is just what  we
need. Another predator!"
	Shirley rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, Plucky, please, like, don't start  that again."
	"What? Shirley, don't tell me you didn't notice the way he was looking at  us with
those hungry eyes of his!"
	With frustration growing, Shirley wiped her face with her right wing. Mary 
expected that kind of comment from Plucky, so she decided to tune him out.  She turned
again and saw that The J.A.M. was looking at Lightning's desk. For practical purposes, it
was on a shelf on the back wall, between Calamity and The J.A.M. She saw the jaguar
look at the mouse, and for a moment, she thought he was going to eat him! Much to her
surprise, something different happened.
	The panther looked closely at the brown mouse with a blue shirt, white and  light-
blue sneakers, and a white and light-blue cap, who asked him, "¿Eres  Mexicano?" at
which the jaguar nodded. Suddenly, Lightning squeaked, "¡Ese mi carnal!" holding out
his left paw. For the first time since he arrived, The J.A.M.  smiled and carefully gave the
mouse a high five. Mary realised that it was a Mexican  thing, then.
	Calamity also noticed this, and he held up a sign, "¿De veras eres de  México?"
	The jaguar was a trifle surprised to see this form of communication, but he 
replied anyway, "Sí. ¿Tu también?"
	"Sí, pero nadie lo sabe," he signed back.
	The jaguar thought about this for a moment, shrugged, and gave the coyote a 
high-five as well. Mary couldn't see what Calamity's sign said but she knew  he was also
a Mexican. In fact, a lot of the "bit players" knew plenty about each other, more than the
"stars" knew, possibly because the "stars" weren't really that interested in  knowing more
about them. She also wondered why the Mexicans weren't being subtitled  so she could
read what was being said and signed.
	Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Plucky whine again, "See? He's
already confabulating against us and he's getting Calamity's help!! Those  two are going
to eat us all!!"
	She saw Buster turn to Plucky and ask, "If that is true, why did he just  become
instant friends with Lightning Rodriguez?"
	"Huh?" asked the duck, turning around again. He saw the jaguar and mouse 
whispering to each other, obviously in Spanish, and thought he heard the  word "pato"
once in a while.
	Scoffing, he turned back to the front with slightly ruffled feathers, and an  arched
neck, "Huh! I bet he's just trying to gain his confidence so he'll  succeed where Furrball
here failed!"
	Mary had enough of Plucky, so she turned again to her right, and saw that  now
The J.A.M. was whispering to Calamity again. The gestures were now  directed toward
Little Beeper, who was looking back at them. Suddenly he flickered his tongue and
flashed a sign to the two carnivores, "No. ¡¡Y no me caen bien los Chilangos, tampoco!!"
	Mary didn't understand what Beeper had just signed, but she sat back a  trifle
when she saw the other Mexicans become stunned at this particular  comment. She knew
that Little Beeper was *also* a Mexican, and just a tad rude, so he probably said
something offensive. And he most likely did, since both carnivores now lowered their
ears, stilled their tails, raised their hackles a trifle, looked at Beeper's eyes, and then a
very, *very* deep growling  rumbled throughout the classroom, bringing silence from the
rest again. Mary saw that Beeper almost turned pale at the sound that resonated in his
chest, and quickly, he faced the front again. Everyone looked toward the back row again,
but no one said anything. Instead, the jaguar and coyote raised their ears and smiled
politely, exhibiting their pearly white fangs. For the first time, Mary felt just a trifle
afraid. It would be best not to get on the new toon's bad side, if he happened to have one,
and as a predator, he most probably  did.
	Plucky turned to Buster again, "Ha! Now don't tell me he's NOT pla—"
	"That will be all for now, Plucky," interrupted Hubie. "And now that  everyone
here is acquainted with our new student, we'll continue the class."  He padded to the
center of the desk, where he and Bertie opened a rather large book, and they both flipped
the pages to one near the beginning. Hubie continued, "Now, for his sake, today we'll do
a recap of what we've learned so far.
	"Platonic Partners are generally two friends, preferably of the same  gender. You
never put a predator and prey as partners, for obvious reasons.  And when you do, well,
then you take your little act and head toward Chase Scenes class." The class snickered a
trifle, except for Mary. "The partners need to have contrasting personalities, like one
intelligent and the other stupid, or one impulsive and the other retracted. What is the
general formula for this—Plucky?"
	Suddenly, the duck snapped out of his daydreaming/fantasising about  Shirley. 
"Um, what?" he stuttered.  He noticed that all eyes were on *him*  now.  "Uh, well,
um—professor, the—um—general formula—is—"
	Mary sighed. Leave it to Plucky to answer like that.
	"—um—a—uh—formula—that is—quite general in these cases—um—"
	"Hamton?" asked Bertie, turning away from Plucky.
	The pig replied without missing a beat, "The formula is a  dominant/submissive
combination, professor."
	Mary sighed again. She knew that now Plucky was going to lean over to  Hamton
and whisper something derogative or something to save his ego.
	And predictably, Plucky did just that, "Hey, Ham-brain! One of the rules of  being
a sidekick is that you can't make the hero look bad!!"
	Mary rolled her eyes. Now, Hamton will give a quick reply that will quash 
Plucky's ego for a while.
	"You're right, Plucky, but I stopped being your sidekick a long time ago,  and
you're certainly *not* the hero here."
	Mary leaned back. Nope, Buster was always the hero; or it was either he, or 
Babs, or both.
	But never her.
	Hubie continued, "Thank you, Hamton. The dominant/submissive combination, 
by definition, cancels out a boyfriend/girlfriend partnership, because once  you have that,
you have a—?"
	"Romantic Partnership," chimed the whole class, except for Plucky, who was  still
fuming from his latest humiliation. Buster and Babs held each other's  paws and looked
tenderly at each other for a moment, just as Mary silently expected.
	Hubie continued with, "Exactly. Twin or Parallel personalities in the  partnership
are possible, like you saw with Mac and Tosh, but that  combination practically *always*
needs a strong villain in order to have balance, since the partnership functions as  one
person, almost. Also, Plucky," the duck snapped to attention again,  "you're right. A
sidekick never makes the hero look bad, but then that's because *that* combo is a—?"
	Plucky thought for a moment, and replied, "Contract obligation so the hero 
always gets the glory?"
	The class laughed at this incoherence, except for Mary, who just sighed,  again. If
anything, Hamton wasn't the comic relief of Tiny Toons: Plucky  was. She then noticed
The J.A.M. raise his right paw to answer, but Hubie turned to another who *didn't*  raise
her hand—er, paw—er, wing.
	"Shirley?"
	"Like, that combo is called a Hero/Sidekick Partnership, er sum junk."
	"Exactly," continued Bertie.
	The jaguar wondered why the professor ignored him, but he didn't think too 
much about this. He was quite used to it, in fact.
	"There's another class for that as well. And how do brother/sister  partnerships
come into this category—Babs?"
	The pink doe replied, "Sibling partnerships are a sub-category of another  sub-
category: Blood Partnerships. The only combo that isn't classified here  is the Big
Brother/Little Brother Partnership."
	"And why is that, Fifi?" asked Hubie.
	"Well, most of ze time zat comes out as ze bully/veecteem combo."
	Bertie finished with, "And again, that cancels out the platonic concept.  Now,
your assignment was to team up with a classmate to establish a  partnership. Remember,
opposite genders are allowed as long as—?"
	"They don't get romantic," replied the class, except Mary. If any examples  were
requested, the "stars" were always asked, and the "bit players" were  always overlooked.
	"Exactly," said Hubie. "Now, do we have a few platonic examples here this 
morning?"
	Mary sighed at the predictability of it all as she saw Buster grab Plucky's  wing
and raise it.
	"Right here, professor!" replied the blue buck.
	"Huh? What? Buster, what are you—"
	The hare pulled the duck out of his chair and dragged him to the front of  the
classroom. Mary wondered if Buster was planning to do more ego quashing  today, since
it was quite obvious that Plucky hadn't done his homework. Meanwhile, the mice looked
at  the students.
	"Very well, you two. What do you have prepared for us?" asked Bertie.
	"Oh, just a little thing we came up with," replied Buster. He then lowered  his ears
and whispered to Plucky, "Follow my lead if you don't wanna fail  this class, duck."


	He then pulled two wide-rimmed men's hats from behind him and put them on 
each of their heads, placing his long ears through the slits on the back.  Buster then took a
dominant attitude, grabbed Plucky's wing, and ordered, "All right, Plucky, we're in  this
new place that we don't know anything about. Go out there," nodding  toward the class,
"and check things out, and I'll stand guard right here."
	For a moment, Plucky just stood there stupidly, having no idea what to do  next.
Mary had already recognised the set-up, and sighed.
	Suddenly Buster grabbed his hat and began beating Plucky with it. "Well,  what
are you waiting for??" he scolded. "Get out there and check things  out!!" The class
laughed at this, and when they did, Plucky suddenly realised what he was supposed to do.
	"OH!!" he replied, trying to block the hat blows. "Sure thing, Buster, I'll  explore
and you stand guard." He was about to waddle down the aisle, but  then he stepped back
to the buck. "But Buster, what if I find a monster out there?"
	"Plucky, there are no such things as monsters!!" growled the hare,  stiffening his
ears at him.
	"B-but Buster!! How can you be sure they're not out there?"
	Buster was about to hit him again, but he stopped himself.  "Okay," he  said, "I
have an idea. You go out there, and I'll stand guard. If you see  any monsters, whistle, and
I'll come running to help you, okay?"
	"Hey, that sounds like a great plan. You stay here and stand guard, and  I'll check
this place out, and whistle if I see a monster."
	Buster hit him with his hat again, making the class laugh, "That's what I  said,
dummy!! Now go out there!"
	"Right! Sure thing, Buster!!" Plucky quickly got himself out of the range  of the
hat, and walked down the aisle. He paused and looked at the students  for a moment
before continuing. When he reached Babs' desk, she suddenly spin-changed into a  pink
banshee. Plucky saw her and gasped, so he immediately turned toward  Buster. As he did
this, Babs immediately spun-changed back to normal.
	"Buster!! Buster!! A m-monster!!" he yelled, pointing toward Babs.
	"Plucky, there's nothing there!" yelled Buster, arms crossed. "Now quit  fooling
around and continue checking out the place!!"
	The duck turned to Babs again and saw that she was back to normal. She  lowered
her ears and gave him a toothy smile while he just smirked in  disgust at her, making the
class laugh again, except for Mary, who just sighed at their rehashed antics.  Plucky
continued with his act and moved further and further to the back of  the class. He looked
at Mary, who was looking back at him with a tired face. He turned to Calamity, who
didn't  bother to look back at him. He squeezed between Calamity's and Beeper's  desks,
and was now in the next aisle. He turned away from the avian, and looked straight at The
J.A.M. When he  did, he did a panic take, began shaking and trembling and sweating, and
he  stuttered, "Ohhhhhh—B—B— B—Bus—B—Buster!!!"
	He turned to the front of the class and tried to whistle, "Phhhhhbbt!!! 
Phhhhhhbbbbbtt!!! Ph—ph—ph!!!!" The class laughed openly at this, except for  the
jaguar and the humanoid. Finally, Plucky dashed back to the front, leaving a trail of dust,
and  jumped on Buster's arms. "M—m—monster!!"
	 The hare dropped him and whacked him with his hat again, "Shuddup!!" 
Suddenly, both stood up straight, and took a bow with a hat flourish. The  class
applauded politely at them, except for two at the back, and the duck and hare returned to
their seats.


	Hubie spoke up, "That was very good, Buster and Plucky. Buster, your  take-
charge attitude was perfectly dominant on Plucky's cowardly attitude."  A few toons
chuckled while Plucky fumed. "But we *do* know that was a scene adapted from that
spoof you  did of Abbot and Costello, 'Hold That Duck'." The duck and hare gasped at 
this, and one lowered his long ears in nervousness. "The assignment *was* to establish a
partnership,  though, so we'll accept it. You both get an 'A'." The two sighed with relief 
and one raised his ears again, while Mary just shook her head. If she had tried that with
anyone else, the  professors would have stopped them in the middle of their performance
and  failed them right there and then.
	Bertie spoke up again.  "Lately, we've seen that you all seem to know who  you
work best with, and you always choose a close friend as your partner.  There's nothing
wrong with that, of course, since that gives you more confidence in your performances. 
However, we're going to make this class more challenging. We're not going to  see
anymore pre- established partnerships. Instead, you now have to choose someone you've 
*never* worked with before!!"
	"WHAT????!!!!" yelled the entire class, ears lowering where applicable.
	"Yes," replied Hubie, unfazed. "In fact, I think you should all practice  this
starting right now and see how well you can improvise." The toons  sweated with
nervousness and frustration, now that their homework just went out the window, literally, 
since a breeze blew all their notes out of the classroom windows at this  point.
	Mary sat up at this. Normally she didn't even bother choosing a partner  since she
*never* got picked and so she just did the written work, but now  it was all gone. Well,
she wanted something different to happen, and now it was happening. "Let's see, for our 
first attempt, we'll need a dominant personality—Monty, could you step up  front,
please?"
	"WHAT?" he yelped.
	"You heard the professor," replied Babs, now raising her ears again, glad  that she
*didn't* get picked. "Get up there!!"
	Grumbling, Montana stepped up and crossed his arms in disapproval.
	"Now we'll need the submissive personality, and someone you haven't worked 
with before—" Both mice looked around the class, and Hubie commanded,  "Mary."
	"Huh?" she asked, incredulous that a professor had bothered to pronounce  her
name.
	She looked at the mice, and Hubie said, "Yes. Come up here, please."
	"WHAT??!!" shouted the boy, now pointing at the back of the class. "Why 
should I work with her??!! I'm rich!! I don't have to do this!! And she's no  friend of
mine!!"
	Mary would have seethed at this, but she knew that was Montana's predicted 
reaction. She did glare at him, however, clearly communicating the fact that  she wasn't
exactly thrilled about having him for a platonic partner either.
	"Now, Monty," said Bertie. "A good actor—and actress," he turned to Mary  for a
moment, who hadn't bothered to stand yet, "is flexible. All should be  prepared for
unexpected situations."
	"But why should I work with the commoners??!!" demanded the brat. More 
glares generated from the class, as well as ruffled feathers and raised  hackles.
	"Because we're the professors and you're the student, Monty," replied  Hubie.
Montana crossed his arms again and huffed. "Mary, we're waiting for  you." Both mice
were now looking impatiently at the humanmaid, ears and tail stiff. With a  disagreeable
sigh herself, she reluctantly stood and walked to the front of  the class, and stood at
Montana's left. She, too, crossed her arms, and refused to look at the brat.
	Both just stood there for a moment, until finally Bertie said, "Oh, you  need a
topic. Very well, um," he thought a moment, and said, "You two just  won the lottery,
let's see you work with that." There were a few snickers from the class as Montana
rubbed  his hands together and smiled evilly at his partner. Mary, however, just  wiped
her face at this ridiculous situation.
	Montana began by pulling out a ticket out of his pants pocket, holding it  in front
of him with both hands, and shouting with glee, "I WON!! I WON!!!  MINE MINE
MINE!! ALL MINE!! I'M RICH!! I'M COMFORTABLY—"
	"Now, Monty, don't forget, I paid for half of that ticket," interrupted  Mary with a
calm voice, turning to him and giving him a smile worthy of  Florence Henderson.
	"HA!! Why should I give you part of this money?!"
	Pausing for a moment to unstop her ear, Mary replied, keeping her forced  smile,
"Because that's what we agreed, Monty. If we won, half would go to  me, and half to
you—"
	"Unless," he interrupted, his gaze drilling into her eyes, pointing at her  and
standing closer to her, "something happened to you, in which case I'd  get all the
money!!"
	"Of course," she continued to smile, "and if something would happen to  *you*,
rest assured that I'd put your part of the money to good use, like—"  Mary stood there,
trying to think of something funny. "—like give it to orphan rabbits and deer and make
sure  they are taken care of." Surprisingly, this generated a few laughs, but this  was
actually because of the expression that suddenly appeared on Montana's face.
	"Of course," he nearly snarled. "I can always count on you to do charity  work."
	He smiled sarcastically, leaned closer, and would have patted her cheek,  but she
whispered, "Don't touch me," just before his hand touched her, while  still keeping her
own smile.
	Montana stepped back for a moment, and continued, "Okay. What are you going 
to do with your part of the money?"
	Mary thought about this for a moment and replied, "Oh, I don't know.  Perhaps
take a long vacation and go on a world cruise. How about you?"
	"I'm going to—"  Suddenly, an idea popped into Montana's head, signalled by  the
classic light-bulb above him. He slowly turned to her and said calmly,  "I'm going to give
you a gift, of course!"
	She raised an eyebrow. "A gift?"
	"Sure!! A gift that will show you just how I appreciate you being my  *friend*,"
he replied through his teeth. He reached behind him and pulled  out a gift-wrapped box
out of nowhere.
	Mary silently seethed when she saw that. She *still* hadn't mastered that  trick
yet. "Thank you, Monty," she replied, taking the gift. "I knew that  you couldn't be that
materialistic."
	Montana just smiled at her, and walked away. Mary pulled loose the bow and 
opened the bo—
	[*****KABLAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!*****]
	A pile of ashes was all that was left of her and the gift. The class was  completely
shocked speechless at this. Ears were lowered again.
	"MINE!! ALL THE MONEY IS NOW MINE!! I'M DOUBLY RICH!!! I'M
ECONOMICALLY  COMFORTABLE!!! IT'S ALL MINE!!" Once Montana finished
jumping in victory, he took a bow, but no one clapped for him.
	He then saw that Mary  hadn't pulled herself together yet, so he walked to the
professor's desk,  grabbed their glass of water, and walked back to the pile. Then, he
leaned down and whispered, "Stick to your  own economic level, no-name."
	Unceremoniously, Montana poured the water on the ashes, and Mary instantly 
reformed herself.  She was about to say something unladylike, except Hubie  prevented
that by saying, "Thanks you two, that will be all. You may be seated." Even the mice
were  stunned.
	Mary stomped her way back to her desk, trying to pat down the frizzles that  were
now in her hair and also trying to straighten out her slightly  dishevelled clothing. Sure,
she wanted something different to happen, but why did she have to face a villain so 
soon? Though technically Montana didn't do anything not allowed for a  villain, she still
wished she could have made a comeback of some sort. She sat with her arms crossed as
Hubie  continued, "What type of dominant/submissive personality combo did they 
demonstrate—Babs?"
	It took the pink doe a moment to recover from the shock, raise her ears  again, and
reply, "A materialistic/sensible or materialistic/naïve one."
	"Exactly," said Bertie. "We have time for one more demonstration. Let's  see, a
new pairing—Calamity, please come up here." Mary saw the coyote raise  both eyebrows
at this. Who would he be paired with now if he had almost always been paired with 
Little Beeper?
	"And J.A.M., come up here please." Mary also saw the jaguar look up with 
complete surprise. Like Calamity, he said nothing, and just stood and padded  to the front
of the class with Calamity.
	But before the professors could assign the topic, the jaguar asked,  "Professors?
Could we choose our own topic?"
	The mice looked at each other for a moment, and Hubie replied, "Yeah, sure. 
You can come up with your own topic as long as it emphasises the  partnership."
	Mary then saw the jaguar and the coyote raise their ears and whisper to 
themselves, apparently in Spanish. Calamity was signing back with flashcards  so no one
could read what he was saying. Mary turned to Lightning and saw that not even he could
hear  what the jaguar was saying. She looked back to the front of the class and  saw both
carnivores silently chuckling, the jaguar swaying his tail and the coyote wagging his.
Finally,  both stilled their tails. Calamity nodded in agreement to whatever The  J.A.M.
said and padded to the jaguar's far left. The J.A.M. stood in the middle of the classroom,
and both began.
	The jaguar, straining, looked up to the ceiling, apparently trying to look  at
something directly above him, but he was only moving his eyes, not his  head. Then,
Calamity padded to him and pulled out a huge sign with large letters large enough for
everyone  to read that said, "Hey, J.A.M., what are you doing?"
	The jaguar suddenly turned, read the sign, and replied, "I'm trying to see  the
inside of my head," and went back to looking up as some students laughed  at this, and
others finally relaxed their ears. Mary smiled for a moment, but then she remembered that 
she was angry so she quickly returned to her sullen state.
	"Really? Don't bother with that, J.A.M. I tried that last week and it  didn't work."
	The J.A.M. turned again and asked, "You didn't see anything?"
	"No. I couldn't make the flashlight fit." The class laughed again. Mary  decided to
relax and uncrossed her arms. Perhaps they might do better than  Montana and she did.
"And speaking of crescent-shaped tambourines, did you know that everyone keeps 
saying that you and I are crazy?" A few toons were now laughing in  confusion, and
Mary finally smiled genuinely again.
	"That you and I are crazy, Calamity?" he pointed to each other but in the  wrong
order.
	"Yup."
	"Aw, don't listen to them, Calamity," he was now pointing randomly with his 
index digits in front of his face, looking closely at them for no reason.  "Some toons just
like to waste their time like that."
	"By spreading gossip?"
	"No, by stating the obvious." The class snickered again. Mary even chuckled  a
trifle. This was certainly a nice change of pace.
	The J.A.M. put his paws down and continued, "And speaking of multiple  integral
equations," Mary finally laughed, "did you hear that the idiot  strike was cancelled?" A
few more laughed with more confusion.
	"It was?"
	"Yes. In fact, I saw an idiot working just now."
	"Really? What did he do?"
	"Oh, I could tell he was a rookie. He tried to make a fool out of a black  girl by
giving her an exploding gift." Montana looked up in unpleasant  surprise at this while
Mary chuckled just a trifle louder. In fact, the whole class laughed a trifle louder.
	Calamity signed, "An exploding gift? That's a bit overused."
	"I know. He should have sent her on a one-way trip to Aruba or something, 
because now the girl will find a way to get back at him."
	A few toons turned to look at Mary, who tried to look innocent, but her  surprised
expression was difficult to conceal right now. Montana, meanwhile,  was gritting his
teeth.
	"Oh, look! There he is!" The J.A.M. pointed at Montana. Both carnivores  padded
to the human's desk, flanking him. They looked down at him  inquisitively, yet with an
air of ignorance. Then the jaguar turned to the coyote, "Yup, he's a classical  idiot, all
right. You'd think with all the money he has he would have been  able to afford a dentist
by now?"
	Mary and the rest of the class chuckled louder while Montana turned redder  and
redder with rage.
	Calamity signed back, "I agree. Just look at those front teeth! Do you  think all his
money softened his brain?"
	"Well, look at Bill Gates." Both carnivores shrugged and walked back to the 
front. Mary and the rest of the class were laughing openly now, except for  Montana. At
this point, his head exploded in rage, making him float over his desk for a moment while
he  screamed his lungs out. The carnivores looked at him, and then he charged at  the new
Mexican.
	Mary gasped and was about to jump out of her desk and stop Montana—
	[WARPUNWARPSLASH!!!]
	She and the rest weren't sure what they heard at this point. It sounded as  if one
person had said "warp," "unwarp," and "slash", but very quickly. The  next thing they
knew is that Montana was standing between Calamity and The J.A.M., and his
appearance was  a trifle dishevelled. He was still huffing and puffing and glaring at the 
felid. He then pulled back his right fist to take another swing at him, but for some reason,
he fell into  neatly sliced horizontal pieces. Mary and the rest laughed, her previous 
anger forgotten momentarily.
	The carnivores calmly looked down at the human, and Calamity signed, "Look, 
J.A.M., an idiot jigsaw puzzle." The class laughed again, and Mary leaned  forward,
holding her chin, smiling. "Why would he want to attack us predators?"
	"Because he's an idiot. He just wanted to work today, I guess." Then, both  took a
bow, and the class applauded them while they returned to their seats.
	Moments later, Montana reformed himself, and huffed back to his own seat.  This
was in *no way* over.
	"You just made yourselves a powerful enemy, varmints," he grumbled to  himself.
	As everyone settled down, Mary leaned over and put her hand on Calamity's 
desk. She looked at both predators and said, "Thanks."
	"You're welcome," they replied.
	Back up front, Hubie and Bertie waited for the laughter to cease, and  finally
Hubie said, "Um, that was very good. Plucky, what type of a  dominant/submissive
personality combo was that?"
	The duck just looked at the professors, then back at the predators, then  back up
front, and replied, "I have *no* idea what that was."
	"Sneezer?" asked Bertie.
	"That was a Twin or Parallel Combination, with a powerful villain."
	"Exactly," added Hubie. "In this case, the personalities were  both—um—non-
sequitur, and of course, the villain was Monty. Nice flow of  character, guys," he told
them. So Bugs was right, the newcomer *was* able to start in the middle of the semester.
	At that moment, Gogo shot out from the clock, but instead of his usual 
"Cuckoo!" message, he leaned over the class, looked at his watch, and  screamed like
Daffy Duck, "LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
	A multiple set of smoke trails shot out the door, leaving Mary Melody, 
Lightning, Calamity, Beeper, and The J.A.M. inside. Calmly, they stood, and 
walked/padded out the door. Politely, the jaguar held the door open for Mary, and all the
males waited  for her to exit. As she did, The J.A.M. asked her,
	"Does that happen often at lunch?"
	"Every day, yes. But it's not the food, believe me. Everyone just wants to  get a
good seat befo—"
	"Ooooooooo!!! The cute kitty head is out here now!!"
	The jaguar turned in the direction that he heard Elmyra squeal, while  everyone
else just said/signed, "Oh, no."
	Before any toon knew what was happening, Elmyra had pounced on The J.A.M., 
and she was giving him her trademark bear hug, squeezing the wind out of  him.
	With resignation, Mary sighed and told him, "J.A.M., meet Elmyra Duff, the 
school's resident yutz and nemesis to animal rights worldwide.
	The jaguar lowered his ears and replied with a very strained voice,  "Uhhhh—
pleased—to meet you—Miss Duff—I don't think—!!"
	The yutz squealed, "I'm going to wuv you and cuddle you and squeeze you  right
out of your jammies!!"
	"That's—J.A.M.—!!!" he tried to correct.
	Seeing that she *did* interrupt a conversation, Mary tried to cut in,  "Elmyra, can
you do this later? We have to get to lunch, and we *were*  talking to him."
	Elmyra suddenly whirled to her, still holding on to the panther.  "NO!!!  You're
not going to get his pyjamas!!"
	Mary rolled her eyes at that response, as did Calamity, Beeper, and  Lightning.
The carnivore and rodent lowered their ears again.
	"But you already have some," Mary replied as sensibly as she could.
	This was confusing the jaguar.  "Huh—? I'm—not—wearing pyjamas—!!"
	Elmyra looked at him and replied, "Sure you are, kitty!! Here, let me take  them
off of you!!" With surprising speed, Elmyra changed her grip and now  she was grabbing
his shirt and chest hide with her right hand, and was pushing his neck back with her left.
	"Hey—what are you—!!!" The jaguar's words were choked out as the yutz  pulled
harder and harder.
	The others, meanwhile, had enough. "All right, that's it! Leave him alone!" 
demanded Mary. She and the other toons were about to pull them apart, but  stopped
when they heard a low rumbling sound. One moment later, they jumped back as a
powerful roar  resonated in the hall at the same time a whirlwind engulfed the jaguar and 
the yutz. Several seconds later, they saw Elmyra sitting on the floor with stars spinning
above her head. The  J.A.M. had his paw on his chest, trying to rub off some of the pain.
His  orange eyes were somewhat dilated, his yellow-orange fur was slightly more red,
and his tail looked like a  chimney brush.
	"Please don't do that again," he semi-growled, trying to slow down his  breathing.
	"Oo, the leopard-head is strong," she replied before promptly falling apart  in neat
little cubes.
	Her eyes, in two separate cubes, blinked absently as the panther corrected,  "And
that's *jaguar*, not *leopard*. I'm not African, I'm not Asian, I'm  Mexican." Satisfied,
he turned and left, with the others following.
	None of them saw or heard Montana walk to the Elmyra puzzle and say, "You 
know what, toots? You just gave me an idea."


	As the others were walking/padding to the cafeteria, The J.A.M.'s  appearance
returned to normal and he asked, "What did all that have to do  with pyjamas?"
	Mary explained, "Well, it has to do with a leopard she skinned alive last  summer.
She used his fur and hide for pyjamas, and I guess either she forgot  that or her first set
wore out."
	The jaguar seemed obviously upset at this. "Sorry I asked. Say, you seem 
friendlier-than-average. Do you think you could show me around?"
	Mary looked oddly at him for a moment. A newcomer wanted *her* help? "Well, 
sure. The cafeteria's this way." She led the group down the hall, and began,  "You already
met Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning. I'm Mary Melody."
	"Pleased to meet you, Miss Melody." They shook hands/paws—
	—Mary wasn't sure why, but she felt strange holding on to something that  was
covered with fur, gloveless, *and* that could carry on a normal  conversation. "I'm from
Mexico City," she snapped out of whatever stunned her. "I transferred here from the 
Instituto Mexicano De La Comedia. How about you guys?"
	Mary replied, "Most of us are from here, Acme Acres, except for your fellow 
Mexicans. I'm sure you've heard of Lightning Rodriguez, the *second* fastest  mouse in
all of Mexico?"
	The J.A.M. looked down at Lightning, and said, "Let me guess. You're from 
Guadalajara, like Speedy Gonzales?"
	"Guanajuato," corrected the mouse. "Bott I like eet here."
	Mary then noticed something, "Say, if you're a Mexican, how come you don't 
speak with an accent, like Professor Speedy or Lightning here?"
	He replied without missing a beat, "I took phonics."
	Everyone looked at him for a minute, and then replied, "Okay…"
	"And back home we had a satellite dish as well. Say, do those two always  act like
that?" he asked, looking back toward his nemeses, but they were  gone now.
	At this question, Mary's countenance lowered a trifle. She explained, 
"Unfortunately, yes. Like I said, Elmyra is a yutz, fixed on hugging the  life out of
whatever she considers cute. Montana Max, Max as in 'Maximilian', is the resident
villain, so don't worry  about him hating you, which he probably already does, especially
after that  bit you did with him. The only way you'd make friends with him is if you had
as much money as he does. He's  your average spoiled brat, so spoiled, the only one here
who likes him is  Elmyra, but as I said, she's a yutz. Calamity here could be considered a
villain because he's always paired  up with Beeper."
	Then, Calamity signed with slightly low ears, "Though for all intents and 
purposes, it seems that *he* is the villain, with the way he answered you a  while back."
	Beeper huffed and signed back, "Hey, I call them like I see them. I don't  have to
like anyone if I don't want to!"
	The jaguar sighed, lowering his ears himself.
	"Well, excuse me for being born in the wrong place!" Calamity continued, 
raising his ears again. "Speaking of being born, we're both from Heroica  Nogales, but
moved here when we were little."
	"¿Sonora?" asked the panther, relaxing his ears once more.
	"Yes," signed Beeper.
	Mary led them into the cafeteria, and began walking/padding toward a table  in
the corner. As they made their way through, Mary continued the  introductions, though it
was from a distance.
	"On that table you see a blue and pink rabbit. That's Buster and Babs  Bunny—no
relation, ha ha," she laughed with boredom. "They're the hosts of  Tiny Toons
Adventures. He likes to give wise cracks, and she's on a caffeine high all day long. Don't 
be surprised if you see her impersonating any random star. Beside them is  Plucky Duck.
He's annoyingly egotistical, and as you saw today, a bit prejudiced against predators. I 
can't imagine why, because most of the attacks he receives are from Shirley.  That's the
loon girl that's sitting next to Babs. She's keen on being 'centred', and she's heavily into
metaphysics.  She's the school's psychic."
	"Psychic?" asked the jaguar, raising an eyebrow and lowering his ears.
	"Yes. You don't believe in that stuff?"
	"Well, 'believe' as in knowing that it exists, yes. I just try to stay  clear from
metaphysics and mysticism and everything that has to do with  mental powers." He
sighed, hoping that at least Shirley would become a friendly acquaintance at best.
	Mary continued, "Well, the rooster sitting by himself is Fowlmouth. Don't  stick
with him unless you wanna cuss out a sailor." For no reason, a very  loud expletive
exploded from the avian in question, making everyone flinch and flatten their ears (where 
applicable) as a "bleep" automatically blanked it out of sound.
	Slowly, everyone straightened up and relaxed their affected appendages, and  the
jaguar commented, "I don't think I've heard that one before."
	"You'll be surprised at how much he knows," she continued. "Over there is 
Furrball. I used to own him, but I guess he decided to go out on his own. He  seems
unlucky, but that's just a popular opinion. There's Hamton, your average neat-freak—"
	"A pig is a neat-freak?"
	"Yes. His family is working like crazy to fight the 'dirty-as-a-pig'  stereotype.
Over there is Dizzy, a Tasmanian Devil, in other words, a trash  compactor. I don't know
how he did it, but despite him being so messy, he actually has an *adult* *human* 
girlfriend."
	The jaguar blinked at this. "I don't want to know."
	"Neither does anyone else. Let's see, I think that's all the major 'stars'  of Tiny
Toons—"
	"Bonjour, monsieur jagooar!" Everyone was stopped by a purple skunkmaid who 
blocked their path.
	"Bonjour," repeated the jaguar politely. Mary sighed with annoyance again,
	"Oh, how could I forget. J.A.M., meet Fifi LaFume, the school's resident  French
flirt."
	"French? You speak French?" he asked the memphitid, swaying his tail in 
curiosity.
	"Oui," giggled Fifi, batting her eyelashes at him. "Parle-tu Français  aussi?"
	"Un petit," he replied. "J'ai un peu de pratique."
	For some reason, Mary didn't like the way the jaguar was smiling at the 
skunkmaid. She continued, "A word of warning: don't let her catch you with a  white
stripe down your back."
	"Why not?" asked the felid, still smiling at the memphitid in front of him.
	Fifi replied for Mary, swaying her tail herself, "Because, mon amour, we  could
become ze reelly closs friends, non?"
	"Oh, I see the problem here," signed Beeper.
	Everyone looked at him, stilled their respective appendages, and asked, 
"Problem?"
	"Yes, Chilango, the back of your shirt almost looks like a white stripe."  The
jaguar straightened up at this piece of information, and turned around  so the others could
see the back of his shirt.
	"You think so?" All read the "Calidad: EXPORTABLE" lettering on the back. 
Before anyone could say anything else, Fifi wrapped her tail around him and  brought
him nose-to- nose.
	"So, yoor *qualité* ees good enough to be, 'ow you say, *exportable*? 'Ow  about
Ah show vous *mon* qualités?"
	The J.A.M. smiled as she continued to flutter at him, "*Cette proposition  paraît
intéressant*, Mademoiselle LaFume.* You're certainly more friendly  than anyone el—"
	Suddenly, the jaguar frowned and lowered his ears. He turned to Mary and  asked,
"Did you say 'resident *flirt*'?" The humanmaid nodded.
	"Oh, mon spotted Lateen, leave zem and seet wiz moi." The skunkmaid pulled 
her tail closer.
	The jaguar continued, however, "So basically, she does this to *everyone*?"
	"Well, everyone she has the hots for at the moment. If you have a white  stripe
down your back, she'll chase you to no end," replied Mary.
	"Oh?" asked The J.A.M., turning back to Fifi, raising his ears, twitching  his tail,
and smiling—"Oh," he repeated, lowering his ears, stilling his  tail, and not smiling.
	The skunkmaid looked confused at this statement. "Quelle?" Gently, the  jaguar
unwrapped her tail from around him.
	"Sorry, Mademoiselle LaFume, maybe later. You can sit down with us if you 
want, though."
	The skunkmaid looked at him with slight shock, and without another word, 
lowered her ears, twitched her tail at him in anger, and stomped to Babs'  table. The
jaguar looked at her, surprised, as she left them, and he turned back to Mary, "What?"
	She sighed again, "Let's just say she's not too used to being rejected like  that, no
matter how nicely you put it." She didn't know why, but she felt  relieved that he didn't
pursue the matter. "But don't let her get to you. She's a flirt, so she'll do that to  everyone.
She'll be doing it to someone else by next period. You speak  French?" she asked, hoping
to change the subject.
	"Yes," he replied, relaxing his features. "I told her I speak a little  because I've had
a little practice. How about you?"
	"I study journalism, so French and a few other languages are somewhat  required,
but I haven't had much luck in those. Oh, here's our table." The  group sat at a table where
Sneezer and Sweetie Bird were sitting close together. "Thanks for saving us the  table
guys."
	"You're welcome," they replied.
	As they took out their lunches, Sweetie asked, "Um, J.A.M., you don't have  any
food with pepper, do you?" It was an odd question, but not necessarily  weird, to him, at
least.
	"Well, no. Why do you ask?"
	"Well, I don't know if Mary already told you but Sneezer here has a rather 
sensitive nose—and VERY powerful lungs."
	"That's right," Mary added suddenly. "If you ever need a demolition crew  and
Dizzy isn't available, just put some pepper on Sneezer's nose—and stand  clear or you'll
be blown to bits."
	It was hard for the jaguar not to lower his ears again and look at them  strangely,
so he just replied, "I'll keep that in mind."
	The humanmaid returned to her exposition, "This is Sweetie Bird, and she  lives
with me. It's a basic arrangement, if you don't mind her LOUD voice  once in a while."
Sweetie just stuck her tongue out at her, and the group laughed.
	"So basically, that's our little group. Everyone else is just an extra, I  suppose. But
tell us about yourself now." She didn't know why, but she felt  rather curious about this
mysterious toon.
	The panther stopped eating his buffalo sandwich and explained, "Well,  there's not
much else to know about me. I'm just an average toon jaguar who  grew up in Mexico
City. I wanted to try out for cartoons, but even with the Comedy Institute, there  wasn't
much of *any* animation happening in Mexico, so I decided to transfer  here. Down in
Mexico, someone like me would only manage to become an extra, a 'bit player' at most.
And no  one seemed to be interested in the voices I can imitate."
	"Joo do eempersonations?" asked Lightning, raising his ears at him. "Like  Babs?"
	The panther remembered the doe's demonstrations earlier, and replied,  "Well, not
exactly like Babs. I do voice imitations, not full-body  impersonations. Like this:" He
straightened up, lowered his ears, pitched his voice lower, and declared, "*THIS IS 
CNN.*" He changed it slightly, "Tonight, on the ABC Saturday night movie—"  He
changed it radically, and said, "Well, yes," sounding exactly like Ronald Reagan. "The
Soviet Union is an  evil empire, right Nancy?"
	Mary and the rest were chuckling a trifle, and he finally raised his ears  and spoke
with his normal voice, "It's hard doing voices that are higher  pitched. My voice is so low
it gives me some trouble."
	"Hey, you're actually good!" signed Beeper, surprisingly. "Is that why you  came
here?"
	"Well, I guess I came here because I wanted to become something more than  just
a 'bit player'." The rest gave soft exasperated gasps at this and a few  lowered their ears a
trifle, while Mary just shook her head.
	"You want to be more than a 'bit player' here? Well, good luck then, 'cause  you'll
need it. Everyone on this table has been trying like you wouldn't  believe to get a major
role in *any* story, and none of us have managed to get anywhere. Especially me. I'm 
studying comedy here, as well as journalism. I'm the anchorwoman for the  Looniversity
evening news. But what I always wanted to do is comedy, you know. So if you don't do
well  in comedy, you have to make sure you have something to fall back on. I have 
journalism, Calamity has multiple engineering, Beeper has track and field and is studying
cooking—"
	"Cooking?"
	"Yes," signed the avian. "I work at a pizza parlour mostly to deliver, but  I also
study how they make them."
	"And you wouldn't believe how many here don't know that. Sweetie here is 
trying out zoology. Sneezer has music. All of this, in case comedy fails for  us."
	"Golly, sounds just like home. Back in Mexico, I not only studied French. I  also
know some German, Italian, and Portuguese. Not too much, though, and I  know some
bits of Hebrew and Greek."
	Everyone looked at him with surprise, "Really?" asked Mary.
	"Like you said, Miss Melody, we need something to back us up. But actually,  I
took languages more as a hobby than out of actual academic reasons.  They're interesting
to learn, you know."
	"Well, here, you can't afford to pass the time away, unless you're  extremely
funny," she looked with contempt at the "stars". "And as you saw  today, I'm not exactly
good at it."
	"Why do you say that? You made some toons laugh," he said.
	She frowned with frustration, "But don't you see? Monty got the best of me,  and I
couldn't even come up with *any* type of comeback!!"
	"But don't you practice this sort of thing all the time?"
	The entire table gave a "sheesh" at that question. "We would if there was  enough
time and space for *everyone*. Unfortunately, all the available  practice time and
facilities are automatically given to the 'stars'." She looked with frustration at the  table
where all the "stars" were.
	"That doesn't sound fair," he commented, keeping his ears low.
	"It isn't," she continued. "But it's not as if we have much say in the  matter. The
Warner Brothers execs have branded us as 'bit players', and we  just can't seem to get out
of that. You seem to be a good friend, but if you want to be more than a 'bit  player', I'd
recommend you sit with the 'stars'. You have good talent there,  so you might have a
better chance of getting somewhere than if you stay with us."
	The J.A.M. looked at the humanmaid for a moment, and then he looked at the 
table where Buster and Babs were sitting. Fifi had chosen to eat with them,  and she
turned slightly, looking back at him. With annoyed contempt, she turned away, her ears
and  tail still proclaiming annoyance, and continued eating. And not only Fifi,  but it
seemed that the entire "stars" table had chosen to *not* look at Mary's table. The panther
thought for a  moment, and looked at the humanmaid, "I think I'll try first with you guys. 
Besides, it's nice to have someone to talk in Spanish with. French, it seems, will have to
wait."
	The rest shrugged and continued eating, relaxing their features. After a  while,
Mary turned, "J.A.M., can I ask you something?"
	"Fire away."
	"What does 'J.A.M.' mean?"
	At this question, everyone in the cafeteria hushed and leaned toward the  "bit
players'" table to listen to the answer, including the cafeteria  workers.
	Noticing this, the panther lowered his features in slight fright, and  replied,
"Uhhh, I'll tell you later, okay?" Disappointed, everyone returned  to their business. A
few moments later, the feline leaned down and whispered, "Sorry, but it's a long story. I'll 
tell you all about it when we don't have an audience, okay?" The "bit  players" looked at
each other, and nodded in agreement. "But how about *you*, Miss Melody?"
	"What about me?"
	"Tell me more about you now."
	The humanmaid saw his ears turning toward her. She swallowed a bite of 
sandwich and replied, "There's not much about me that I haven't told you.  I'm studying
journalism as well as comedy, I like to roller blade and play basketball, and like everyone 
else on this table, I feel kinda left out of the spotlight."
	The J.A.M. didn't know what to reply to that, so he continued eating as  well.
They all ate in silence for the rest of the period, until Gogo came  out of the clock again
and hollered, "Cuckoo!! Cuckoo!! If you're thinking that he'll hang out with you 'bit 
players', you must be cuckoo!!" And he pulled back inside the clock again.  The jaguar
raised an eyebrow at this, but decided to ignore it. And he would have, but then he
noticed that the  others looked quite annoyed by that comment, as their features showed.
	The toons left the cafeteria in a more or less organised manner, and once  they
were out in the hall, they went to their lockers. Mary was just about  to ask the new toon
what his next class was—
	"Oooooooooo!!!! The cute kitty head!!!" Unfortunately, Elmyra had other  ideas.
This time, however, The J.A.M. saw her coming. "I'm going to hug you  and cuddle you
and skin you alive and—"
	[WARPUNWARP!!!]
	[WHAM!!!]
	Mary and the others became confused at what they just saw. In one instant,  The
J.A.M. was standing in front of his locker, ears against his head and  tail bristling, and in
the next instant he wasn't there, allowing Elmyra to mould her likeness on the metal. 
With a grunt, the yutz pulled free, and instead of birdies or stars, black  spots spun around
her head.
	"Oooh, look at the cute spotsie wotsies—" she mumbled before falling back.
	Mary and the rest saw her slump to the floor, and then they heard a deep  voice
behind them, "She didn't count on my cleverness!" Mary practically  jumped at his
sudden statement. Whirling around, everyone saw the jaguar standing behind them, ears
and tail  normal now. "Pathetic, isn't she?"
	"Wh-wh-h-how did you do that?" she stuttered.
	"What, the warping/unwarping?" Mary nodded, flabbergasted, while the rest  just
stood there in slight shock, ears flat and tails low. Beeper lowered  his neck and took a
few steps back, wondering if this predator was actually faster than he was. "Well,  let's
say I was inspired by Kwicky Koala. I had lots of practice in the  jungle because there
you have a lot of shadows to move around in. Being a feline, I can move around without
making  any noise, and according to my parents, we just *might* have some cheetah 
genes, but I haven't taken a DNA test yet."
	Everyone looked oddly at him for a moment, until the humanmaid said,  "Uhhh—
thanks for the info—I guess—uh—what's your next class?"
	The jaguar pulled out his schedule from under his shirt, read it, and  replied,
"Animation History. You?"
	"Wacky newscasts. I guess this is where we split off?"
	"I guess. Say, where does everyone hang out after school? Maybe we can all 
meet later."
	"Well, mostly everyone hangs out at Weenie Burger. It's near the downtown  area.
You can't miss it," she explained.
	"Okay, I guess I'll see you all there, then," he replied, smiling. He then  saluted
them all and declared, "Until next time, remember:" His voice  suddenly deepened, "I
AM THE J.A.M." His voice returned to normal, and he finished, "Good evening."
	[WARP!!!]
	Everyone heard what seemed like one person saying "warp", and when they  did,
the jaguar vanished from sight. Mary and the rest also went to their  separate classes, still
a trifle frightened, and all were wondering what would this newcomer bring to the 
Looniversity, if anything at all.

 DOS  -  ENEMIES AND STALKERS


	The final bell had rung long ago, and the Looniversity had emptied for the  day.
The "stars" of Tiny Toons were sitting in their usual booth in Weenie  Burgers, happily
chatting to themselves.
	Mary Melody, however, was sitting by herself in the booth farthest from the 
door. She looked up when she heard the door open, but looked down again when  she saw
that it was only Elmyra pulling a reluctant Montana inside. [UNWARP!!!] She idly
stirred  her milkshake with her straw, disappointed that the day ended just like it  always
did: with the "stars" getting all the attention, and with all the others, including the
newcomer,  leaving her alone. Then again, maybe The J.A.M. got lost while trying to get 
here. Maybe she should have given him the actual address and directions on how to get
here—
	"Good evening."
	She nearly threw her milkshake to the ceiling upon hearing that. Glancing  up
again, she saw the new toon sitting in front of her.
	"Wh—how—when did you get here?"
	"About a minute ago. I hope you haven't been waiting long."
	She waited for her heart to slow down, and replied, "Uh—well—no—I got here 
a—few—minutes ago."
	"Good. I was hoping no one would notice if I got here late. Normally, it  takes me
the *longest* time to arrive somewhere for the first time. Once I  learn where the place is,
I can get there a lot quicker."
	Mary looked at him. "You mean you also warp to and from the Looniversity?"
	He shook his head, "Oh, no. My normal way of travelling is by bicycle. My 
warping is only effective on short distances. I warped from the parking lot  to the
entrance, taking advantage that the door was open, and then right to here."
	She leaned back for a moment, "Wow, when you say you move noiselessly, you 
move noiselessly!! I didn't even hear you sit down!"
	"Well, being covered with fur does come in handy when dealing with vinyl 
seating. That, and you were studying your milkshake very closely, I think."  He smiled,
and she almost did too. "You know, one time I warped next to my younger brother in a
bus  and he didn't notice I was right next to him until we got off!"
	Her eyes widened at this. "How on earth did you do that?"
	"Practice, my dear, practice. That, and he was looking out the window  probably
daydreaming about something. Warping is more effective when the  others are just a bit
distracted." They looked at each other for a moment, and then chuckled a trifle. Well, 
perhaps this day wouldn't end so dully after all.
	"You have a brother?" she asked, finally relaxing.
	"Several, in fact. I'm number three of seven."
	"Wow, seven?? That must have been a crowded house you lived in!"
	"Well, you get used to it."
	"No way," she countered. "I'm an only child, and when I had Furrball for a  pet,
my apartment just seemed to shrink!!"
	"You live in an apartment?"
	"Yes. My building is about ten minutes from here. Where do you live?"
	"In the forest just outside of town. When I got here two weeks ago, trying  to get
away from my 'crowded house', I was baffled at how high the rents  were. So, I looked
for a place in the forest, and surprisingly, I found the perfect mix of tree house and  cave.
I was able to get utilities installed there, and I've been more or  less trying to fix things up
as well."
	"Sounds like you could use a house warming party," she smiled, and suddenly 
wondered why she made such a suggestion.
	The J.A.M., however, looked blankly at her. "A…?" he questioned.
	Mary's face became confused as well. "A house warming party," she repeated. 
She looked at her friend's confused face, and could almost hear the gears  turning in his
head:
	*"House Warming Party. House: noun, by its position, it's an adjective in  this
case. Warming: progressive verb, by it's position, it's also an  adjective. Party: noun—*
	"A party to warm my house?" he asked confusedly. "Wouldn't we just need a 
heating system to do that?"
	Mary's thought processes ground to a halt at this blunt question. "J.A.M.,  you
don't know what a house warming party is?"
	The jaguar tapped an extended claw on the table reflexively for a moment,  and
replied, "Um, I'm not from around here."
	"Oh," she suddenly said, finally understanding. "It's a 'Welcome to the 
neighbourhood' party, sort of. Kind of a celebration to make your house feel  more like a
home."
	The panther pondered on that explanation, "That sounds interesting, but  trust me,
you *don't* want to go to my house yet."
	"Why not?" she asked, wondering why she felt just a trifle disappointed.
	"It's a mess. I still need time to fix things up to raise it to minimum  presentable
conditions."
	The humanmaid thought for a moment, and asked, "Well, why don't all of us  go
to your house and help you fix it up? It must be lots of work if no one  else is helping
you."
	It was time for her friend to lean back a moment. "Gosh, Miss Melody,  thanks for
the offer. I guess I never thought of asking for help because I  really just wanted to
*finally* do something myself. That, and I'm a bit of a loner."
	The humanmaid looked at him for a moment. "You were raised with six other 
siblings, and you're a *loner*?" she asked incredulously.
	"Ironic, isn't it? But when you grow up in a crowded house, you kinda yearn  for
your own space. It's just a bit difficult for me to ask others for help,  not that I don't think
I need it, it's just that I'm not used to it. Besides, jaguars *are* solitary animals.  I
wouldn't mind having company, of course, if that's okay with you guys."
	"Hey, most of us are here to help others out! Well, except Beeper, since he 
doesn't seem to like you very much. Man, and I thought *I* was the loner  around here!"
she exclaimed. "Being an only child, you kinda *want* company. The 'stars' of Tiny
Toons  don't help much with that, so that's why I turned to the 'bit players'. We  help each
other out whenever we can. You'll find friends in the strangest of places here."
	"And Weenie Burger seems quite strange, I tell you that."
	Mary thought about this response, and suddenly realised that the phrase  meant
that he was now considering her his friend, despite her warnings  during lunch today.
	"You—you think so?" she stuttered, and wondering why she was stuttering.
	"Well, I made a new friend here, didn't I?" She looked at his orange eyes  for a
minute, and smiled.
	"Yes. You did. I need all the friends I can get."
	"Speaking of friends, are we waiting for the others before we eat?"
	She raised an eyebrow again, "Others?"
	"Yes, Mister Coyote, Mister Rodriguez—————and the rest," he finished,
after  deep thought.
	Mary was about to give a dampening reply to that question, but she was 
momentarily saved from that when she saw someone else enter the restaurant.  "Well,
Calamity's here," she noted.
	"He is?" The J.A.M. turned around to try to see his other friend enter—
	"KITTY HEAD!!"
	Elmyra had suddenly knelt on the seat of the booth directly behind The  J.A.M.,
and she was holding him tightly, pinning his arms down.
	"Um, didn't we already go through this, Miss—?" gasped the jaguar,  flattening
his ears. "What was your last name again?"
	"Elmyra!!" she squealed again, ignoring the "last" in his question. "And  I'm
gonna cuddle you into itty-bitty pieces and then I'm going to give  Monty-wonty a new
set of pyjamas!!"
	The J.A.M. grunted as she squeezed harder and tried to pull him out of the  booth.
"Drat. I can't warp and I can't do a Feline Defence Spin! Um,  Miss—what—what do you
mean, 'give Monty a new set—'?!"
	Mary just shook her head, "J.A.M., I think that she wants Monty and her to  have
a matching set."
	This made the jaguar growl and raise his hackles. "Oh? Um—look, I hate to  tell
you this—but—I really can't part ways with my fur—right now—!!!"
	She just squeezed harder. "Oh, don't worry, kitty!! I have a nice barrel  that you
can wear afterwards!! One size fits all!!"
	The J.A.M. struggled to get out of her hold, but she had strangely powerful  arms.
Now even Mary was getting annoyed. "Elmyra, just let go of him."
	"No!" she frowned at her. "I'm going to give Monty his very ownAACCKK!!"
	The J.A.M. had his arms pinned to his torso, but his elbows worked fine, so  he
was able to bring up his right paw, and with feline flexibility, he  managed to grab
Elmyra's throat, apparently choking her.
	"Um, J.A.M., what are you doing?" asked Mary, suddenly becoming wary of the 
whole thing, as she stood up and backed off slightly from the booth.
	"He's choking her!!" shouted Plucky, ruffling his feathers, as he and the  rest of
the toons began to gather around.
	Features all around expressed fear and anger, but Calamity took a closer  look,
relaxed his own features, and signed, "No, he's not."
	"What do you mean he's not?" asked Hamton. "Just look at her!!" Everyone  did,
and saw that her eyes were beginning to roll up into her head. Her hold  on the feline
failed, and he pried himself loose, but still keeping his apparent chokehold.
	"Um, okay, J.A.M., you got loose. Now let go of her," pleaded Mary, getting 
more scared by the minute. And she could swear his yellow fur was turning  red.
	He turned and looked into her eyes. "Trust me," he whispered, trying, but  failing,
to sound like Harrison Ford. It was then that Mary took a closer  look at this "chokehold".
He had extended his paw digits, showing that he wasn't trying to collapse her  windpipe.
Only his thumb and middle digits retained their hold on her neck.  Now that he was free
from her arms, the jaguar twisted around until he was facing his attacker. By now,
Elmyra  was out cold. The J.A.M. padded around the booth, still grabbing her, and  gently
set her down on the seat. He held her down for a few more seconds, and finally released
her. He  straightened up to find a green wing-digit pointing at him.
	"HE KILLED HER!!!" yelled Plucky, arching his neck again. "I *KNEW* THAT 
CARNIVORES COULDN'T BE TRUSTED!! SEIZE H—" His quacking was cut off by
a  sharp jolt of pain in his wing-digit, generated by The J.A.M.'s fist as he clamped  it on
him.
	"First of all, Mister Duck, it's not polite to point. Second of all, I  didn't kill her. If
you had taken a closer look, like Calamity did, you  would have noticed that I only used
two fingers to grab her. If I had wanted to choke her, I would have used my jaw,  not my
paw. And third of all, if you had taken the time to actually look  *closely* at her *right
now*, you would have seen that she continues to breathe." Annoyed, he released the 
duck, who yanked his wing back and covered it with his other wing. Grimacing  in pain,
Plucky looked down at Elmyra, and saw that she was indeed still breathing. "She's not
dead, she's  just sleeping. And if you still don't believe me, I'm sure your 'psychic'  friend
will verify that."
	The J.A.M. angrily turned to Shirley, who snapped out of her shock. She  closed
her eyes, concentrated a moment, held one wing toward Elmyra, and  chanted for a
moment, "Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam," then she opened her
eyes  again, and stated, "He's right. She only fainted. But—how did you do that?"
	Straightening out his ears, fur, and shirt, he replied, "Back in Mexico, I  also
studied anatomy. As a predator, that's kind of a required course. Once  you get into the
*really* detailed stuff, you can know where the 'off', 'reset', and 'snooze' buttons are on 
various species."
	"AHA!! So you *admit* to being a killer!!"
	Mary was getting ready to kick Plucky out of the restaurant, but waited  when she
saw The J.A.M. slowly turn to him and slowly try to explain.  "Mister Duck, I'm a
carnivore—"
	Plucky just shouted to all around him, "He can't be trusted!! No predator  can be
trusted!!" Mary stood still at all this annoyance. She wanted her day  to end differently,
but not if it involved things spinning out of control.
	"What about me?" signed Calamity, stepping beside the duck, flattening his  ears
and raising his hackles. "You never seemed to mind me hanging around  here!"
	Plucky suddenly turned to the canine and quacked, "Oh? How do we know that 
all this time you and Professor Wile E. haven't been plotting against us!?"
	The coyote bared his teeth and signed, "Listen, you *anseriform*! Professor  Wile
E. and I are under contract so that the ONLY live prey we eat are road  runners!! But if
you keep this up, I just MIGHT activate a sub-clause to include DUCKS in my diet!!"
	Plucky, unfortunately, didn't read his explanation or threat because he was  still
reading the beginning of the message. "*What* did you call me,  fuzz-face?" he asked,
poking the carnivore's chest.
	Calamity flashed another sign, growling openly, "*Anseriform*. You are a 
mallard, of the Order—"
	Here, the other carnivore intervened and lowered the sign before Plucky  could
read it. "Don't bother, Mister Coyote. Taxonomic knowledge is wasted  on him."
	"Taxonomic?" quacked the anseriform, turning to glare at both of them now. 
"You mean you want to stuff me and have me on display in your trophy room?"
	Mary, and everyone else, blinked at this accusation, and a minute later  Buster
took advantage of the lull and tried to explain. "Plucky, that's  'taxidermy'. The J.A.M.
said 'taxonomy', as in your scientific classif—"
	At that moment, Montana interrupted, "So, he's bothering you, too?" He  looked
at the feline. "Well, I wasn't going to get involved with this, but  seeing what he did to
Elmyra, I'd be more than glad to help you get rid of him."
	"NOW HOLD IT!!" yelled Buster. "*NOBODY* is going to get rid of
*ANYONE*"
	Seeing the argument starting to heat up, The J.A.M. lowered his ears again  and
calmly said, "Um, guys, I *really* don't want to cause any trouble here,  but I *was* only
defending myself. If it makes you feel better, I'll just eat at home then—"
	"But J.A.M., why did you have to defend yourself like that?" asked Mary,  trying
to bring calm to the storm, finally. "Why didn't you warp?"
	"Oh, that. Well, my warps are simulated. I can't actually teleport or go  through
matter. I just move very fast and very quietly and I stay in the  shadows. Watch."
	[WARPUNWARP!!!]
	In one instant, he was there, and in the next one, he wasn't.
	"See?" Suddenly everyone whirled and saw that the jaguar was now standing 
behind them, with no toons blocking his way to the entrance.
	This was more than enough for Plucky. "Well, I still say he can't be  trusted!! No
one with fangs as big as his can possibly be up to any good!!"
	"Plucky, like, just, knock it off, okay?" hissed Shirley, with ruffled  feathers and
arched neck herself.
	Seeing the commotion starting to increase again, The J.A.M. said, "Um,  look,
guys, you just go ahead and calm yourselves down, and to help you do  that, I'll politely
remove myself from here. Miss Melody, I'm sorry I ruined your afternoon, as well as 
everyone else's. Until next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening—"
	Buster raised his paws toward him. "No, no, you don't have to leave! It's  just that
the 'anseriform' here," he turned toward the duck, [WARP!!!] "has  a rather big BEAK."
	Mary sighed. Leave it to Buster to try to save the day. Why couldn't she  ever
think of something that would also do that?
	Plucky turned to Buster and rose to stand on his webbed toes, now more 
incensed. "HA! My 'big beak' just *might* save your fur one day!!" he  pointed angrily at
the rabbit. "I'm the only one right now whose doing something to protect ALL OF US—
and that  includes your cotton tail AND your girlfriend's—" he nodded toward the pink 
doe, "—from someone we don't know!! And you just saw what he did to Elmyra!! How
do we know he  wasn't going to gobble her up?"
	"Because he said he wasn't?" asked Mary, stepping up to the anseriform and 
wanting to remove his beak from his head.
	He turned to her, "And you believe him?" He stood down, relaxed his  feathers
and neck, and turned to the loon hen now, "Shirley, read his mind  and you'll see
*exactly* what he's plotting against us!"
	Mary saw the loon hen's wingtips crackle with sparks as she stood to the  duck's
face. "Like, Plucky, I don't *read* anyone's mind without their  permission! And the only
time I do is when I'm, like, sensing bad vibes from someone, and all the time The 
J.A.M.'s been here I haven't, like, sensed anything evil from him at all, er  sum junk!!
Even when he was, like, defending himself from Elmyra I didn't pick up, like, any malice 
whatsoever!! But I WILL tell you that the only bad vibes I'm picking up  right now are
from Monty, Elmyra, and YOU!!!"
	The duck scoffed at this, closed his eyes, folded his wings in front of  him, and
held his beak up. "Do you now? Well, why don't you read his mind  and tell me if those
vibes are REALLY from me and not from him, then??"
	Mary saw Shirley's right eye twitch slightly at this suggestion. "Well,  like, that's
a good idea, er sum junk. But first I need to, like, cancel out  the other vibes that I'm, like,
getting, er sum junk."
	"Then go ahead, I'm not stopping you," stated Plucky. With a brilliant  flash and a
clash of thunder, Plucky was transformed into a pile of ashes.  Everyone winced and
rubbed their eyes for a moment, so they didn't see the steam coming out from Shirley's 
wingtips, except for Mary, who shielded her eyes just in time, expecting  that reaction
from Shirley.
	The loon hen then closed her eyes again and held one wing toward the  jaguar.
"Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwha—huh?"
	"What?" asked Mary.
	"Like, I'm not getting *any* vibes, either good *or* bad, er sum junk. In  fact, I,
like, can't even *find* his mind! Hey, J.A.M., like, what are—" The  loon hen turned to
him—
	—and he wasn't there.
	Babs then spin-changed into a hunter's outfit, and babbled, "Which way  diddee
go, George, which way diddee go?" Every toon looked around the  restaurant, but he was
clearly gone, so the pink doe spun back to normal. Then, every toon looked at each  other
for a moment, and suddenly ran toward the window. Looking down the  street, they saw
The J.A.M. pedalling out of sight around a corner.
	Montana cackled, "I think he took his own advice and went home! Well, good 
riddance!!"
	At this moment, someone stirred from an unexpected slumber, "Ooooh, where's 
the cute little fuzzy kitty head?" Everyone turned to look at Elmyra, who  was now sitting
up. The toons all looked at each other again and dashed out of the restaurant,  leaving
multiple dust trails behind, except for Montana and Mary, who  remained inside. Elmyra
saw the dust sucked out the closing door, looked back at Montana, and asked, "Was it
something I  said?"
	"No," he whispered, keeping Mary out of the conversation. "But don't worry 
about getting me my set of pyjamas. I'll take care of that in a little  while."
	With that, the human left the restaurant, looked down the street, and gave  a high
whistle. One moment later, his limousine zipped to a halt in front of  him. As he got in,
he ordered, "Follow that jaguar on the bicycle, but don't *look* like you're following 
him!" A few seconds after he settled in, he replied to an unheard question.  "I don't
know!! Drive casual or something!!" At his orders, the limousine pulled into the street
and drove  away.
	Mary just stood inside the restaurant. Once again, she had been left alone,  and
powerless to do anything to help her friend.


	Several minutes later, the limousine stopped. Montana, now dressed in his  own
hunting attire (sans his rifle), got off and stepped out into the dirt  road. He looked
around, and saw that his chauffeur was right. The limousine was too big to enter the thick 
forest. How was he going to follow the jaguar now—?
	Of course! The jaguar was still on his bicycle, so all he had to do was  follow the
bicycle's tire tracks! He looked down and gave a "Yes!" when he  saw one set of tire
tracks snaking into the forest trail. He quickly and quietly followed the tracks, silently 
admiring his own cleverness. He doubted that the jaguar would get off and  carry the
bicycle because he would *still* be able to see his paw prints! Those hunting lessons
really paid  off, and unlike other hunters he knew, he *learned* from his mistakes. He 
would *not* strike up a conversation or give in to a chase, like he did with Vinnie. As he
ventured further and  further into the forest, he reached into his hunting vest and pulled
out a  dart gun.
	He would sight him from a distance, and finish him off.
	He quivered with anticipation as he walked deeper and deeper into the  forest,
holding the dart gun up near his head. He would not only skin him  alive, but he would
also ship his carcass back to Mexico or South America or wherever. Venturing deeper, he 
walked more and more quietly, looking down at the tire tracks occasionally  while
stalking ahead, ready to sight him any moment now. Suddenly, he froze as he heard
something thump  behind him. Swiftly turning around, he aimed his dart gun in the
direction  of the sound. Holding his breath, he waited for anything to move. Then, there
was another thump [UNWARP!!!],  and he reflexively fired at a bush, where the noise
apparently came from. A  muffled "zing" was all that was heard. He held still again, but
didn't hear anything else. After a few  moments, he quietly walked to the bush, and
examined it. Silently pushing  apart some branches, he saw that the dart had hit a branch,
and nothing more. Sighing with disappointment, he  straightened up and pulled out from
his vest another dart to reload his gun.  As he did, he turned around—
	—and saw two orange eyes looking into his. Two paws suddenly immobilised  his
arms.
	"Good evening. May I help you?" asked The J.A.M. with a slightly  Morgan-
Freemanesque voice. Montana was speechless with fright, and for some  reason, he felt
his hands start to get numb. The jaguar didn't wait for his reply, so he lowered his ears
and  continued. "Mister Maximilian, this isn't the first time someone decided to  hunt me.
I've had plenty of unpleasant experiences in Mexico, even in the city. So let me tell you a
few  rules I've learned: never follow your target on a vehicle as conspicuous as  your
limo; never make four consecutive right turns if your target also does that because you'll
only  verify that you are *indeed* following him; and never, *ever* follow your  target
when you're upwind after having eaten garlic."
	Montana couldn't say anything, much less scream. The jaguar's shirt moved  as his
fur bristled under it, and his tail began puffing out. And it was now  Montana's turn to see
the panther's yellow fur acquire a reddish tint. His paws were gripping his  wrists so
tightly now that it was causing him pain, along with numbness in  his fingers. "Mister
Maximilian, I didn't come here looking for trouble, but I'm not going to stand still if 
someone decides to make trouble for me. Oh, and don't bother memorizing the  trail. I
knew you were following me, so I took another path. My house is nowhere *near* here.
Now, kindly  leave this forest, and don't let me catch you here again, because if you 
come back, I guarantee you that the roles *will* be reversed. In a forest, whether tropical
or deciduous like  this one, *I* am the hunter, and *you* are the hunted. Don't *ever*
forget  that." The J.A.M. bared his teeth at him. His growling resonated in both of their
chests. He suddenly released  him, and finally Montana screamed as he turned and ran as
fast as he could,  leaving a dust trail behind him. As he dashed back to his limo
[WARP!!!], he noticed that his hands still felt  numb. Glancing down at them, he saw red
paw-marks on his wrists—
	What happened to his gun and [UNWARP!!!] dart?
	He suddenly realised that the jaguar must have used another trick hold on  his
wrists to block off blood flow to his fingers, making him drop his gun  and dart. Well, no
matter. The jaguar was probably headed back to his lair and—
	[ZING!!!]
	A sharp pain in his posterior made him scream again and run double-speed. 
Looking behind him, he saw the dart now adhered to his right gluteus  maximus. Oh no,
the jaguar shot him with his own dart! He was going to eat him!!! Quickly, he yanked the 
dart out and threw it away. But just as his panic reached astronomical  proportions, he
noticed the trees starting to thin out. He was near the dirt road now! Good, once he
reached his  limousine, he would be safe—
	And then, it seemed to him as if everything, including him, was turning  into
molasses. Or, it was as if he was still running at top speed, but in  slow motion, which
went slower, and slower, and slower. Finally, he left the forest, and with excruciating 
slowness ran to his limousine. Everything was fading to black now. If he  could just—
reach——the———door—— ——handle—————
	It took him one minute to grab it, and two minutes to open it. As he oozed  his
way inside, he ordered, with a super-slowed down voice,
	"—————Hhhhhoooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmme
aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnddd  sssssssttteeeeeeeeeeeepp
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt———
———" By the time he finished, he had  curled into a fœtal position on the seat, and fell
asleep with a smile on  his face.
	The jaguar closed the door, and with relaxed fur, tail, and ears, watched  the
limousine speed back into the city. He then twirled the gun in his right  index digit, and
quipped, "¡No contaba con mi astucia!"

 TRES  -  SCENTMARKS AND MYSTERY


	The following day, Mary decided to wear her dark blue tank top and jeans.  Her
ponytail was highlighted by an orange bow this time. She and the rest of  the "bit players"
met The J.A.M. in the hall of Acme Looniversity.
	[UNWARP!!!]
	"Good evening," he said, suddenly appearing behind them. This startled them  a
trifle, especially Mary, again. "Where were you guys yesterday?" he asked,  as they
walked/padded down the hall. "Didn't you want to meet at Weenie Burgers?"
	His friends remained silent for a moment and some lowered their ears and  tails,
until Mary sighed and replied, not looking at him, "J.A.M., we 'bit  players' can't hang
around the 'stars' too often, unless we make them look good. I was there because I  sorta
expected you to be there, and I guess Calamity wanted to talk to you,  too."
	"You *can't* hang around them?" asked the panther, surprised. "Even *after* 
school?"
	"It's not as if we're being *forced* to do that," she replied. "It's kind  of an
unwritten rule. We simply stay back until we're called for. That's how  we 'bit players'
work."
	"What??!!" he growled, flattening his ears. "But if you don't hang out with  them,
how else are you supposed to learn how to be funny? Is it because  *they* don't want
their looniness rubbing off on you?"
	The "bit players" looked at each other for a moment, still with sad  features, and
sighed again. Lightning squeaked, "J.A.M., dat's just de way  teengs are aroun' here. We
tried to fight eet, and we coodn't." The jaguar stood still for a moment, now with  low
features himself, as he saw his friends walk/pad/fly sadly down the hall  in front of him,
and then splitting off into their morning classes.


	The group reunited in Platonic Partners, where things didn't progress as  Mary
would have liked. Hubie and Bertie were set on having the toons try out  new partners.
	"Mary," said Hubie. With slight dread, the humanmaid stood and stepped up  to
the front of the class, wondering whom her partner was going to be this  time. And
whoever it was, whether male or female, she was sure that she would once again be
pushed  into the submissive role.
	"Elmyra," said Bertie.
	Everyone gasped at the professor's choice, except the yutz, who simply  replied,
"Oooooh!! I get to work with Merry Mary!!" Everyone laughed while  Mary just covered
her face with her hands and shook her head. Elmyra happily skipped next to her, and 
both waited.
	"Your topic," stated Hubie, "is that you are roommates, trying to sleep,  and
there's a leaky faucet in the kitchen. You may begin."
	Mary began quickly, lest Elmyra shove her back to submission: "Elmyra,  there's
a leaky faucet in the kitchen. Get up and go shut it." She wasn't  exactly thrilled about
working with Elmyra, so she just stood there, looking away from her, arms crossed, and 
not really getting into any position or mood that said "sleep."
	"But Merry Mary, I don't hear anything!" replied the yutz, turning to her.  The
class laughed, except for a few toons in the back row.
	Mary blinked. "*Sure* you do, Elmyra!" she insisted, turning slightly to  look at
her. "We're trying to sleep, but we can't because the leak in the  kitchen is making a lot of
racket because it's one o'clock in the morning." It was taking a lot of effort not  to grit her
teeth.
	"It is?" asked Elmyra, very surprised. "Oh! That must be why the spotty  kitty said
'good evening' when he came in to class!"
	Mary flinched at this incoherence, ignoring the laughs it made. She quickly 
turned, uncrossed her arms, and angrily whispered into Elmyra's ear,  "Listen, dummy!
We're both *acting*!! PRETEND it's one o'clock in the morning and PRETEND we're
trying  to sleep and PRETEND we can't because there's a PRETEND faucet leaking!!!!"
	"Oh!" replied the yutz rather loudly. "Okay!"
	Hoping that she understood, Mary turned away from her, and began again, 
"Elmyra, there's a leaky faucet in the kitchen. Get up and go shut it."
	The yutz turned to her and asked, "Don't you mean 'pretend' faucet, Merry 
Mary?"
	More laughter ensued as the black humanmaid wiped her face in exasperation 
and replied through her teeth,
	"*Whatever*. Just get up and shut it!!"
	The white humanmaid nodded and was about to do that, but she stopped and 
asked again, "But Merry Mary, we're already standing up!"
	Mary flinched again and struggled to keep her hands open. The class just  laughed
and laughed, but Montana's laughter was quite audible above the  rest. "JUST GO
CLOSE IT!!" screamed Mary, stiffening her arms at her sides.
	This time Elmyra flinched, so she turned, walked out the door, and closed  it
behind her. Everyone looked at the door with confusion, including the  teachers.
Suddenly Elmyra peeked back in and asked, "But where is the pretend kitchen, Merry
Mary?"
	The laughter that followed wasn't enough to drown out Mary's scream of  anger
and her declaration, "That's it, I quit!!"


	Huffing, she stomped back to her desk, followed by Montana's mocking finger 
and laughter. Elmyra, meanwhile, just stood at the door and said innocently,  "But I was
just doing what Merry Mary said!"
	"Um, Elmyra, just take your seat," said Bertie.
	"Looks like Mary isn't so merry after all!!" mocked Montana.
	Mary fumed as she sat at her desk, arms crossed. She turned her eyes to her  right
and expected the other "bit players" to go along with the flow.
	She turned fully to make sure she was seeing correctly. Neither Calamity  nor The
J.A.M. nor Lightning nor Beeper nor Sneezer nor Sweetie were  laughing? Why was
that?
	In fact, all except the birds had flattened their ears and raised their  hackles; the
birds had ruffled their feathers and arched their necks, and  the carnivores appeared to be
growling at Montana.
	Before she could ask them anything, Hubie stated, "Well, as you can see,  not
every combination can work."
	"Especially if your partner is an idiot," whispered the panther, just loud  enough
for Mary to hear. Somehow, she found comfort in that, but she still  kept her glare and
her arms crossed.
	"So, for your homework, we want you to gather in groups and study together 
tonight, and see for yourself which combinations work best with you,  *besides* that of
your best friend."
	"Oh, no." sighed Mary.
	"Why? What's going on?" asked The J.A.M., quietly.
	"Just look, Chilango," signed Beeper. The jaguar looked to the front, and  saw that
the "stars" had automatically gathered into their groups. Buster,  Babs, Plucky, Shirley,
Fifi, and Hamton were already standing and discussing where they were going to study. 
Dizzy, Furrball, Fowlmouth, Elmyra, and a reluctant Montana (being held by a  death
grip courtesy of Elmyra) formed the next group.
	"Whenever a 'group' is called for," explained Mary, "they immediately split  off
from the rest of us. Sometimes those two groups trade members, but  neither feels
comfortable working with any of *us*."
	The jaguar thought about this, straightened his ears, and stood to face the  "bit
players." "So? If they don't want us in their groups, well, then  they're missing out on
talent they *might* not know exists. We'll form our own group!"
	"We always end up doing that, but that really doesn't get us anywhere,"  replied
the humanmaid. "Since we aren't as funny as they are, we tend to  always be left behind."
	His orange eyes looked at her dark brown ones. "But don't you want things  to be
different?"
	"Of course we do! But how can we change them if we can't change who we are, 
and much less hang around with them??"
	The J.A.M. thought for a moment, and then asked everyone, "Guys, is it  written
in *stone* that you *can't* hang around the 'stars', even after  school? That you *have* to
always sit in a corner while they take all the good places? If you can show me where  it's
written that you *have* to do that, I'll accept that and sulk with you  guys for the rest of
the school year."
	Every "bit player" looked up at him with surprise, ears straightening where 
applicable.
	Sulk?
	Is *that* what they were doing?
	Looking at Elmyra and Montana, and still seething because of the way she  was
humiliated thanks to them, Mary stood up, looked at all her friends, and  declared, "You
know what, guys? I think we should all meet at Weenie Burgers after school. *Quickly*. 
As in, the moment the bell rings, we dash there as fast as we can, is that  clear?"
	The others weren't sure what to make of Mary's sudden take-charge attitude,  until
The J.A.M. growled, lowering his ears a trifle, "I believe she asked  you a question,
*compadres*. *I* will be there as soon as I can. And you?"
	Calamity stood and looked at the jaguar's eyes. "I will be there as well,"  he
signed.
	"And me," squeaked Lightning, also standing.
	"You bet I'll be there," said Sneezer.
	"And where he goes, I go," added Sweetie.
	Only Beeper remained seated, and he shivered when the jaguar's and the  coyote's
shadows loomed over him.
	"I can't be there," he signed, looking slightly ashamed and fearful,  keeping his
head low. "You know I work after school." But he wouldn't look  up at them. The J.A.M.
turned to Calamity, silently asking for verification of that statement. The canid  nodded,
and with that, the felid was satisfied, and both carnivores relaxed  their features.
	Mary Melody smiled. Things would happen differently at Weenie Burgers this 
afternoon, and for the first time in a long while, she actually had  *expectancy.*
	Finally, she was looking forward to all of them changing the status quo.
	Finally, something new and different, and probably *better,* would happen  in
her life.


	The "stars" of Tiny Toons arrived at Weenie Burgers, like they mostly did  after
school. Buster, as always, led them to their usual booth—
	—but suddenly stopped in his tracks, making everyone else pile up into him.
	"Hey, what gives?" asked Babs, annoyed.
	The buck replied, "Looks like we have a slight setback in our plans for  today,
guys." He nodded toward their booth, and everyone looked.
	The "stars'" booth was currently being occupied by Mary, Calamity, Sneezer, 
Sweetie, Lightning, and The J.A.M. Fuming that their spot had been  expropriated,
Plucky began stomping toward them, ruffling his feathers and hissing, "Setback? *I'll* 
take care of this 'setback'!!"
	A sudden gloved paw in his chest stopped him. "No, Plucky," said Buster,  owner
of the gloved paw. "*I'll* take care of this." He pushed the duck back  slightly, and
padded to the booth. He looked at the humanmaid, and stated, "Um, Mary, you guys are
kinda  in our booth."
	All the "bit players" turned and looked at him strangely for a moment, and 
Calamity signed, "*Your* booth?"
	Buster replied sheepishly, "Well, sure, kinda. It's just that this is where  all of us
always sit, you know—"
	"I didn't know that this restaurant operated with reservations,"  interrupted the
jaguar. Looking at looking at the humanmaid, and asked,  "Does it, Miss Melody?"
	Mary smiled at him, and then turned to the buck, still smiling, and said,  "No, it
doesn't. It operates on a first come-first serve basis, unless the  policy changed recently,
that is. If it did, then we must not have been informed, Buster. After all, we wouldn't 
want to be rude and just swipe your 'reserved' booth out from under you for  no apparent
reason."
	The lagomorph noticed a certain spark in the hominid's eyes, one that he  couldn't
quite figure out or identify—
	—and one that, for some reason, made him droop his ears and take a step  back.
	"You—you're right, Mary. Sorry to bother you guys." He turned to the  "stars"
and declared, "Let's just take another booth, guy—"
	He was suddenly silenced by a green duck who pushed him out of the way,  "HA!
I *knew* you wouldn't be able to pull this off!! Watch how one *takes  charge*, rabbit!!"
	Mary heard him, unfortunately, as well as the rest, and thusly braced. A  green
finger was suddenly in her face and its owner quacked, "Hey you  usurpers!! This is OUR
booth!! So kindly get lost!!"
	The mice bristled their fur, Sweetie ruffled her feathers, and the  carnivores
flattened their ears and growled slightly. The jaguar was about  to reply, but Mary beat
him to the punch, "Plucky, I don't see your name, nor anyone else's, written anywhere in
this  booth. Just sit somewhere else, okay?"
	"Plucky—"
	The duck didn't listen to Buster, and just replied, "Oh? And what do you  call
that???!!!"
	Everyone looked to where he was pointing at, namely, the table corner where 
Calamity was sitting, in front of the mice and canarymaid, who were next to  The J.A.M.,
who was in front of Mary, who was next to Calamity. Etched clumsily, and apparently 
hastily, was the name "Plucky Duck."
	"I'd call that damage to private property, Mister Duck," commented the  jaguar.
"And I'd hate for the owner of the restaurant to ban you from this  place just because you
did that."
	The duck ignored that and demanded, "Listen, fuzzies!!" apparently ignoring 
Sweetie. "This is the STARS booth and STARS is what you're NOT!! Empty this  booth
NOW or I'm going to—hey, let go of me!! Buster, Shirley, what are you doing???!!!"
	The toons in question picked up the duck by his wings and carried him to  another
booth, where the rest were already sitting.
	As the "bit players" saw the duck being carried away, demanding to call his 
lawyer, Mary said, "Well, I'm glad that's over."
	"Me too," replied The J.A.M., relaxing his ears and tail fur. "Any more 
annoyance from that duck and my predator instincts would have kicked in."
	Mary looked at him, slightly frightened, "You were about to eat him?"
	"Oh, no," he waved that off, "I'd probably would have just chewed him up  and
spit him out." The "bit players" thought for a moment, and then laughed.  "Ducks like
him are likely to give me indigestion," he chuckled himself.
	"And you can't deny that the look on their faces when they saw we had taken 
their booth was more than worth the effort of skating like crazy to get  here!!" added
Mary.
	"Or pedalling like crazy, and carrying two mice," said The J.A.M.
	"Or flying like crazy," continued Sweetie.
	"Or getting out thirty minutes early because you finished a lab assignment  early
so your teacher gave you permission to leave early allowing one to  walk CALMLY to
this place?" The rest looked at Calamity's sign, and laughed again. Mary's day was 
getting better by the moment, despite the problems this morning.
	"Okay," said Lightning. "We're here to deescuss de paireengs and den go to 
Mery's house to stoddy."
	"*Your* house?" asked The J.A.M.
	"Sure. We always meet at my place whenever we have study sessions. Like I  told
you, I need the company."
	The J.A.M. accepted this, and said, "Okay, sounds like a great plan. Now,  with
the pairings, I seem to work well with Mister Coyote here."
	"And I'm surprised we worked smoothly," he signed. "Especially because  we've
never worked together before."
	"Yeah!" said Mary, somewhat fearful and annoyed. "How did you do that? You 
just waltz in here and get randomly paired up with someone you never met  before and
suddenly you're making everyone laugh?? Why can't **I** do that?"
	The felid replied, "I may have not worked with him before, but we both *do* 
have something in common. We're both familiar with some elements of Mexican 
comedy, which is where we got our material. The 'non-sequitur' elements were topics
we're  familiar with and placed in the 'wrong conversation', shall we say. It's  really not
that difficult. That's *one* type of pairing, you know. If you can't do non-sequiturs,
maybe you can be a  straight man—er—woman. Comedy needs those too, you know."
	The humanmaid sighed. "J.A.M., you saw me try that today. I can't even be a 
decent straight man—er—woman!! Or even, why can't I *have* a straight man,  and let
*me* do all the punch lines?"
	"But Mary, weren't you a straight man—er—woman, when you got paired with 
Monty?" asked Sweetie.
	"No," replied Sneezer. "I don't think that counts because Monty was acting  like a
villain, as always."
	"See what I mean? I can't even work correctly with a villain. I don't have  an
actual enemy of my own at all!! You mice have Furrball, and Calamity has  Beeper, so
where does that leave me?"
	The jaguar thought and replied, "Switzerland?"
	Despite her efforts to frown, she actually chuckled at this response.  "Maybe. But
just once I'd like to give the bad guy—or girl—what's coming to  him or her, and make
others laugh by it. Elmyra's too stupid to work with another human, it seems. And do any 
of *you* want to be my nemesis?" The other "bit players" looked at each  other oddly for
a moment, but didn't say anything. "See, J.A.M.? I can't even be paired to work with 
others!! I just don't have any quirks that a nemesis can fight against!! I  can't generate a
conflict at all!! And—and I can't do stand up work at all," her face lowered. "I love
journalism, and  I was hoping to do some crazy newscasts like they do in Saturday Night
Live,  but then I'd have to depend on other writers. I can't even come up with my own
material!!" She looked up,  angrily, "Why can't I be funny? Why do I have to be so—
so—normal??!!"
	The mammals lowered their ears. No one replied for a minute or three, until  the
panther asked her, "Miss Melody, how much comedy material have you  seen?"
	She huffed slightly, "Tons. We're in a comedy school, remember?"
	"Well, how much of that material can you identify with? What parts of it  make
you laugh the most?"
	She honestly didn't know where this was headed, so she replied, still  depressed,
"Warner Brothers hasn't worked much with African-Americans in the  past. And in this
age of political correctness, what little material there is, I do NOT want to  identify with
it. Sweetie, Sneezer, Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning have a  much better chance of
succeeding in comedy than I do because they have so much more to work with, AND
they have  mentors!! I'm—I'm going to be stuck as an anchorwoman if I can't pull 
anything off." Her voice faded out, leaving an uncomfortable silence in the booth. She
would have cried,  but this wasn't the right place to do it in.
	"Mary, do you *want* to be funny?" asked The J.A.M., straightening his  ears.
	She looked up at him and replied, "Yes."
	"Do you think you *can* be funny?"
	"I think so, sure, but I don't know where to start—"
	"Then **I** think you can be funny. You just need more help than what  you've
been getting. Watching comedy is where you start, and we will help  you find something
you can identify with. And if we can't find anything from Warner Brothers, then  we'll
look at other sources."
	The humanmaid blinked at this. "I'm not doing British comedy," she said 
suddenly.
	Another uncomfortable silence, and then everyone said, "Echh!"
	But Lightning said, "¡Guácala!" and everyone chuckled for a moment,  lightening
the mood again.
	"So you won't," laughed the jaguar. "But we *will* help bring out the  looniness
in you, even if the 'stars' don't want to share it. Don't worry,  Miss Melody. You'll make it
big yet!"
	 Mary was about to thank him, but suddenly sat back when she heard him  growl.
	"What?" he asked, wondering why she was scared all of the sudden.
	"Why are you angry with me?"
	"I'm not—oh, sorry, that was my stomach. Speaking of which—where the bleep 
is all the food we ordered?"
	Mary and the other "bit players" blinked at that statement.
	"'Bleep'?" asked Lightning. All became confused for a moment, wondering if  the
jaguar actually said an expletive and the automatic censor was  malfunctioning.
	"J.A.M., did you say 'bleep', as in b-l-e-e-p, or did you say something  else?"
asked Mary.
	Seeing their confused faces, he replied, "Oh, I said the word 'bleep', yes,  as in 'the
sound of a generic electronically generated tone'. I've long  since given up cursing, and in
moments of stress, I just say 'bleep' to relieve the tension. Everyone else  can 'fill in the
blank', if they want to."
	Mary thought about this, and commented, "Well, that sounds like a good  idea. It
might even give the WB censors a break."
	"True. And in the meantime, I'll go see what's keeping up our order," said  the
panther. He got up and padded to the counter.
	Mary's day was getting more interesting. She had now met a toon that  censored
himself by saying the onomatopœia of the censorship sounds! It kept  things economic
and decent, too…
	At the bar, meanwhile, Montana was watching the "bit player's"  conversation. He
then pulled a handkerchief from his pants pocket, and held  it to the front of his dress
jacket. Slowly, he pulled out from his jacket something that appeared to be a  weapon,
keeping it covered with his handkerchief. Patiently, he waited for  the jaguar to return to
the booth with all the food.
	The J.A.M. turned his back to him as he set the tray down on the table.
	Montana quietly stood, and held out his right arm, his hand still under the 
handkerchief. In the next second, Montana yanked off the handkerchief,  revealing indeed
some sort of pistol, aimed, and fired at The J.A.M.'s back.
	"¡¡¡PISTOLA!!!"
	A line of dust suddenly shot from where Lightning was sitting, zoomed down  the
booth, and shot up Montana's leg and torso. Montana then felt something  hit his arm,
making him point the gun toward the ceiling. The mouse, however, was one second too 
late. The jaguar had been hit. There were screams everywhere, and Mary,  being slower
than Lightning, was about to jump on top of the jaguar to shield him, but—
	"Oh, man!!" The feline turned his head as much as he could, and pulled his  t-shirt
around. The back of it was splattered with white paint. And not only  his shirt, but also
his tail, from where it emerged from under the t-shirt to the tip, was coated with  paint.
Seeing what happened, the screams died down, but the non-human  mammals kept their
ears low.
	"MONTY, JUST WHAT THE BLEEP DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING???!!!" screamed Mary,  stomping toward him, with her eyes burning.
	Montana was about to grab Lightning and throw him off himself, but the  mouse
was too quick, and he zoomed back to the booth.
	Dusting himself off, Montana growled, "What do you care, *peasant*?"
	"Peasant" was one word in particular that Mary wasn't exactly fond of, and  this
she demonstrated by grabbing Montana's shirt and pulling him to her  face. "*What did
you call me*?"
	Being a coward at heart, Montana paled and stood speechless at this display  of
rage. "Um, nothing." he replied after a moment. "I just wanted to put a  homing device on
him."
	 Mary released him and continued with, "What do you mean by 'homing  device'?
Since when is paint a 'homing device'?"
	"Yeah," added Sweetie, flying next to Mary. "It's not as if he's going to  drip until
he gets home. And the only 'drip' here is you!"
	Montana ignored that insult and scoffed, "The paint is only part of it,  bird brain!
Watch!"
	Suddenly, Mary realised what Montana had done. She quickly turned and began 
running back to the booth while she shouted, "J.A.M.!!! Go rinse off  imme—!!"
	Her warning was rudely cut off when she was run over by a purple bundle of 
libido that dashed across the restaurant toward her target. "OO LA LA!!"  cooed Fifi. "Ze
skunk-'unk AND Lateen Loverr!!"
	The jaguar turned and said, "I beg your pOOOFF!!" He was caught in another 
crushing embrace, except this time it was furry. The skunkmaid held him in a  full-body
hug from his left, pinning his arms to his sides. In addition, as her libido rose, so did  her
scent, now in the form of green smoke. Nearby upholstery and paint began  peeling.
	"And eet ees ze *spotted* skunk-'unk, too!!" she squealed, kissing his  neck. Like
most males, The J.A.M. normally wouldn't mind this, if it weren't  for the fact that this
female in particular smelled like bile, methane, hydrogen sulphide, and athlete's foot 
combined. Other patrons were now quickly putting more distance between them  and the
two mammals. Mary frantically scrambled to her feet and also put some distance between
her and  the carnivores.
	The jaguar coughed as he breathed through his mouth, "Ugh!! Um, Miss, could 
you please let go of me?"
	She wrapped her fuming tail around him instead as she replied, "Non, mon 
Lateen Loverr! What do tu say we go to ze Riviera?" and she was kissing his  face now.
	"French, Spanish, or Mexican? Ha ha ha!!" asked Montana, laughing at the 
jaguar's predicament.
	The J.A.M. turned a watery eye toward Calamity, "Are you sure she does this  to
*everybody*?"
	The coyote sighed and signed, "Yup."
	With her fumes now reaching intolerable levels, Mary tried to reason with  her,
"Fifi!! He's not a skunk!! Monty is using you to get back at him!!"
	"Ah don't carre!!" she growled at her. "'E's mine now and forever!!" She  looked
into his eyes and cooed, "And what do tu say we do, 'ow yoo say, ze  cuddleeng, mon
amour?"
	"Miss—um—Fifi—" he momentarily forgot her last name, "I don't think that's  a
good—" She kissed his lips to silence him, making him flinch and try to  squirm away.
Then, one of her paws strayed to his lower ribs.
	And she squeezed.
	Mary thought she heard the jaguar make a strange noise that sounded like a  mix
between an "eep" and a roar. There was a sudden whirlwind when she heard  that, and
when it stopped, she saw Fifi sitting on the floor, dazed, and her fur was all out  of place.
Her bow was torn and hanging limply from her head. One second  later, the skunkmaid
fell to pieces. Beside the pile of purple cubes, The J.A.M. had his ears flat, hackles 
raised, tail like a brush, claws extended, fangs bared, and he was breathing  heavily. His
yellow-orange fur seemed to have turned into a stronger shade of red again.
	"Do not," he growled, "kiss me like that again *without* my permission, 
*zorrilla*."
	Mary, and everyone, gasped at this action, and other mammals lowered their 
features in fright. *No one* had ever dared to repel Fifi like that before!!  She wondered
if The J.A.M. had either a short temper, or if, as a Mexican, he didn't know how to repel 
skunkmaids in the U.S., or if he thought "equal rights" included things like  this.
	Suddenly, Fifi pulled herself back together, apparently ignoring the  jaguar's
warning. Still keeping her ears and tail up, she looked at him and  cooed, "Oo la la! Ze
Lateen Loverr skunk-'unk wants to, 'ow yoo say, play rough?"
	He blinked at this. "What did I just say—whoa!!" The memphitid pounced on  the
felid again, but this time, he was ready. He grabbed her neck before she  could clamp her
arms around him, and once again, he squeezed.
	"Kees—moi—mon—Lateen—Lo—" Fifi began fading out.
	"He's killing her!!" quacked Plucky, again. "He's getting rid of the  carnivore
competition!! Somebody—"
	"SHUT UP, PLUCKY!!!" His quacking was cut off by Mary, Sweetie, Sneezer, 
and Lightning, while Calamity signed that phrase. Without having enough time  to ruffle
his feathers, Plucky was stunned, as was Shirley. None of the "bit players" had ever stood 
up to him, and they even beat Shirley to the punch, too! Meanwhile, The  J.A.M.
continued to squeeze.
	Still angry at the whole thing, Mary turned back to Montana, grabbed his  shirt
again, and demanded an explanation, "So, Fifi is your 'homing  device'??!!"
	The boy stuttered, "S-sure. She s-saved me plenty of money in buying an 
electronic homing device with a specialised gun! With her scent on him, I'll  be able to
keep track of him!!"
	Plucky then stepped up to them and shoved Mary out of the way, nearly  making
her fall down. "Hey, Monty, pal, that's a great idea!! I'm glad I'm  not the *only* one here
who's taking precautions!!" A brown furless hand suddenly spun him around, and  that
same hand slapped his beak off his face. Moments later, a lightning  bolt, courtesy of
Shirley, zapped him to ashes once more. A sign then rose from the pile of ashes, and it
read,  "You saw what he did to Fifi!! Read his mind and tell me if I'm wrong!!"
	Shirley's eyes widened at this. She was just as stunned as everyone else  when
The J.A.M. did the Feline Defence Spin on Fifi, and it was because of  his retaliation that
she was now beginning to have doubts about the jaguar. Her zapping Plucky was more
out  of reflex, but suddenly, she wasn't sure of anything right now. She turned  to The
J.A.M. and Fifi again, and saw that he was leaning down, gently placing Fifi's head on
the floor, as  she kept getting increasingly limp. After one minute, the skunkmaid was out 
cold. Quickly taking advantage of his distraction, Shirley closed her eyes, held one wing
toward him, and  chanted, "Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam,
ohwha—huh?" She  opened her eyes and looked strangely at the two carnivores. She
closed her eyes again, held *both*  wings toward them and chanted more emphatically,
"*Ohwhatalooniam,  ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhataloon—*" Something
was wrong. She could sense Fifi just fine, but The  J.A.M.—The J.A.M.—
	The jaguar straightened up, relaxed his features, and looked at the loon  hen, who
was looking back at him with a completely bewildered expression.  "What?" he asked.
	The avian didn't reply. She just stood there with her beak open, wings in  front of
her, trying to figure out what she had just sensed. Seeing that he  wasn't going to get any
answers from her, he decided to ignore her. Bending down again, he picked up Fifi  from
the floor.
	"What are you doing now?" asked Mary, wondering what had just come over 
Shirley.
	"Getting her out of everyone's way. I just can't leave her on the floor,  right?"
	Mary calmed down a trifle when she saw her friend gently place Fifi in one  of the
now empty booths, laying her down on the seat. He picked up her tail  and covered her
body with it. Satisfied, he straightened up, sighed, and coughed for several moments. 
Looking down at himself, he lowered his ears and growled when he saw green  smoke
faintly emanating from himself. "Oh, this is just great. *Another* shirt ruined!!"
Annoyed, he  pulled it off.
	At this point, Mary had a lot on her mind: Montana's prank, The J.A.M.'s 
repelling of Fifi, Fifi's condition, and Shirley's confusion. When she saw  him begin to
pull off his shirt, her train of thought halted and she raised one eyebrow. She realised that
he  was a nekkid toon under that t-shirt of his, like Fifi, Furrball, Calamity,  and several
others were.
	But then her eyes widened, and she nearly did a take worthy of Tex Avery.
	He wasn't completely clothes-free, though. He had strapped on his waist a  black
leather kangaroo pouch, which read "B'klyn" on the front. The pouch  was shifted slightly
to his left side so as not to make his gut more pronounced than it already was. He was 
neither muscular nor fat, but more of a mix of both, a "corpulent" toon,  tending slightly
toward a mild barrel shape. He had a white abdomen, like most furry toons, and there
were a few  spots on the white areas. For Mary, there was suddenly something about him 
that Elmyra and Fifi must have noticed earlier. Realising she was gawking at him, she
turned away and was  about to ask Shirley something. When she did, she noticed that,
strangely to  her, no other female was gawking at the panther, and all the other patrons
returned to their own  business. Sweetie even flew behind her, pulled out a small dust
brush, and  swept off Fifi's pawprints that Mary had on her back.
	"Um, thanks, Sweetie—" Did Mary notice something that everyone else was 
ignoring? Her eyes followed the jaguar as he took his stained and skunked  t-shirt and
dropped it inside a trashcan. He looked down, zipped open his pouch, and pulled out what 
appeared to be another black t-shirt, but then stopped when he coughed  again.
	"*Rayos*," he realised. "I still have her scent on me! I'll have to put  this on after
I get home and somehow shower off!!!" He stuffed the new shirt  back into the pouch,
and zipped it closed. He then turned to Mary and said, "Well, it looks like I won't be  able
to—[COUGH!!]—study with you guys tonight. I'll see you all tomorrow."  He turned to
the others and repeated, "Nos vemos mañana." He then turned to Montana and growled,
"And I  just hope you're satisfied with this prank. Normally I'm not the vengeful  type,
but you'd better think twice before you try anything else." He looked down at Plucky, still
in  ashes, sighed, and said nothing. Turning back to Mary, he saluted, "Until  next time,
remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." With that, he [WARP!!!] disappeared from
sight, and the door  slowly closed by itself.
	When he had left, Montana greedily rubbed his hands together and proceeded  to
leave the restaurant. And he would have, except that Mary suddenly stood  in his way.
"And where do you think *you're* going?"
	This time, no girl was going to stand in his way. "None of your beeswax,  girl," he
hissed at her. Before she could do anything, he pushed her out of  the way and ran out of
the restaurant.
	She was about to run after him, when she suddenly thought of something. She 
turned to Calamity and the others and asked, "He's not actually thinking of  *following*
him, is he? If he was too cheap to buy a *real* homing device, then he wouldn't have any 
way of tracking him, and The J.A.M.'s too quick for him to follow on foot!!"
	"And J.A.M. leeves een de forest," added Lightning. "Eef Monty follows on  hees
leemo, he won't be able to follow heem dere."
	Sweetie asked, "So why would Monty want to use Fifi as a homing devise if  she's
out cold and can't follow him anyway?"
	Suddenly, Calamity gasped and flattened his ears, holding his head with his 
paws. "What?" asked Sweetie.
	The canine signed, "Montana CAN track The J.A.M.!! He didn't need Fifi to 
follow him, he just needed HER SCENT!!!"
	"Wait," said Sneezer. "What do you mean by that, huh-huh?"
	Calamity continued, "Even without his shirt, Fifi managed to skunk him  really
good. He'll be leaving a trail of skunk scent that ANYONE can  follow!!"
	Mary stood back at this. Looking closer at the air around them, she and  everyone
else noticed a very faint trail of green smoke that went out the  door.
	"Oh my—looks like he *did* save a lot of money!!" Then, she turned to the 
toons and exclaimed, "We've got to stop him!! If he tracks The J.A.M. back  to his lair,
there's no telling what *either* of them will do!!" She wasn't sure who she was more
worried  about at this point, but that was irrelevant right now.
	"Bott how do we get reed of de skonk scent trail?" asked Lightning,  lowering his
ears in panic. "We wood need a lot of tomato jooce to fight  eet!!"
	Calamity added, "And even if we *did* have it, getting the materials to  spray it
would take too long!! We'd need a high-powered blast to disperse  Fifi's scent!!"
Calamity put his sign down, and suddenly, a light bulb appeared over his head and
between his  ears that suddenly perked up again. Slowly, he looked down at Sneezer. 
Moments later, everyone else also looked down at the young mouse.
	Mary suddenly squealed, "Of course!! Lightning, take Sneezer and follow 
Monty. When you catch up with him, Sneezer, blast the scent trail, and Monty  too, if you
can!"
	"But The J.A.M. will *still* be leaving a trail wherever he goes for a  while now,"
said Sweetie. "Monty will *still* be able to track him if he  wises up and gets *real*
equipment this time, or if he gets Arnold to follow the scent!"
	Mary thought about this, and replied, "Hmm, then we can't risk The J.A.M.  going
home today. Say, Calamity, Beeper's working tonight, right?"
	"Mostly every night, yes," he signed.
	Mary smiled and pulled out her cell phone, "I think that The J.A.M. could  use a
pizza right now, and so could we. Lightning, Sneezer, what are you  still doing here??
GO!!!"
	"¡Sí!"
	"Right!!" The mice straightened their ears, and Lightning then grabbed  Sneezer's
paw. Mary was about to open the door for them and call Bombino's  Pizza, but just as she
reached for the door, a white wing gently grabbed her arm, stopping her. Mary  suddenly
turned and saw Shirley.
	The loon hen was looking at her with a somewhat frightened expression, and  a
few ruffled feathers.
	"Shirley? What's going on?"
	The avianmaid sighed with a slight shiver, and replied, "Uh, like, Mary, I  think it
would be best if, like, you left The J.A.M. and Monty to their own  devices. The J.A.M.
can, like, defend himself very well against Monty, er sum junk." Mechanically, she then 
picked up Plucky's beak from where it landed across the restaurant, took a  glass of water
from a table, walked up to Plucky's ashes, dropped the beak on them, and emptied the
glass  on them as well.
	The mallard reconstituted himself instantly, and the moment he did, he  quacked,
still with ruffled feathers, "Oh! So you agree with me, then?"
	The loon hen glared at him. "No. I mean—I, like, don't know whom to agree  with
right now. I didn't, like, sense any bad vibes from him, but when I,  like, tried to read his
mind, I— " Shirley trailed off and sat down, still in apparent shock.
	"What's the problem?" signed Calamity.
	Shirley looked up at everyone, sighed, and began, "Well, like, normally,  when I
read someone's mind, their thoughts come to me loud and clear, as if  they, like, were
speaking out loud, er sum junk, unless there is, like, something wrong with them, er sum 
junk, like, Elmyra."
	"What about Elmyra?" asked Mary.
	"Well, like, since she's like, a total airhead, er sum junk, when I read  her mind it's
like getting static on a TV, er sum junk."
	"Because she doesn't have a mind," said Sweetie.
	"Yes. When I tried to focus on The J.A.M. just now, I—I—"
	"You got nothing as well?" asked Plucky.
	"No way!!!" exclaimed Mary. "If he didn't have a mind, he would be an  airhead
too!!"
	"I, like, never said he didn't have a mind!!" interrupted the loon hen,  frowning.
"When I, like, tried to read his mind, I—I—um—" She closed her  eyes and held her
wings to her head again, trying to re-centre herself and find the words to explain what 
she detected. "Um, okay, like, Plucky, do you know what you get when you,  like, try to
tune in to a cable channel you aren't subscribed to?"
	The mallard thought for a moment, and replied, "Yeah, I get a scrambled  signal."
	"And, like, what do you *see* in that scrambled signal?"
	"Well, just a bunch of distorted images and sound. Sometimes I just get  sound, or
sound with static noise."
	"But you, like, never get *only* static, er sum junk, right?"
	"No. Static means it's an empty channel. A scrambled signal means that the 
channel is *there* but you haven't paid for it."
	"So, like, that's more or less what I got. The J.A.M. didn't broadcast  static. His
thoughts were—were—" She closed her eyes again and shook her  head, and she was
now beginning to sweat. Her neck would not straighten.
	Mary put her hand on her shoulder and asked gently, but with slight worry. 
"Shirley, his thoughts were what?"
	"Like, I don't know how he did it, but his thoughts were, like,  *scrambled*, er
sum junk! The images were, like, so distorted that I  couldn't, like, decipher them. I
couldn't, like, even tell if he was, like, thinking in English or Spanish, er sum junk!! 
Like, I've never sensed a mind like that before!! And, like, none of my new  age guides or
books, like, mention anything on thought scrambling or encryption!! There are, like,
some methods  of mental blockage to, like, prevent other telepaths from, like, reading 
your mind, but if, like, *that* had happened, I, like, would have encountered something
like a *wall*, er sum  junk!! And I *know* that, like, The J.A.M. is not a telepath!!"
	"So he's not a telepath, but he scrambles his own thoughts?" asked Mary,  now
getting as bewildered as everyone else was, especially when she  remembered what the
jaguar said about avoiding anything that had to do with mental powers.
	"No," huffed the loon hen. Mary, and everyone, turned to her and looked as  if she
had just declared that she was a fish. "The J.A.M. wasn't doing it.  I, like, doubt he was
even conscious of it, because, like, he didn't even detect *me* trying to, like,  read his
mind, er sum junk! Someone, or something, is, like, scrambling his  thoughts! Someone
or something with a *much* higher power than mine!!" At this statement, everyone stood 
completely still.
	And scared.
	Ears laid low and tails were tucked in where applicable.
	Until, that is, Mary asked, "But, you said he *wasn't* aware of that  happening to
him. That means *he doesn't know* it's happening?"
	Blue eyes looked at brown eyes for a moment, and Shirley replied, "I don't  know.
Either he, like, doesn't know that he's being protected by, like, a  Higher Power, or he
*does*, but, like, he just puts that info in, like, the back of his head, er sum junk,  like,
you know you have hair, but you, like, don't think about it all day,  er sum junk."
	Plucky stated, "So, not only is he a predator, but he's also a freak??  Well, all the
more reason to get rid of him!! I hope Monty—"
	"Like, Plucky, that's getting really old, er sum junk. But from what I  sensed, it's
obvious that The J.A.M. is, like, being protected, er sum junk,  so I suggest that you, like,
get off his case." She turned back to Mary and finished, "That's why I, like, think you 
should leave him alone, or like, not interfere with this, er sum junk.  Monty, like, has
little chance against him." All the "bit players" looked at themselves. Just *who* or
*what* had  come from Mexico?
	"Oo la la! Zat was somm dreem!!" Mary and the rest turned and saw Fifi stir 
from her artificially induced slumber. Mary then looked at the door and  thought about
what Montana had done, and what The J.A.M. had done. Sure, the jaguar had defended 
himself from Elmyra and Fifi, but that was *after* they attacked. The J.A.M.  didn't sense
Monty, or the others, about to attack because, as Shirley said, he wasn't a telepath, much
less a  Jedi. But even then, there was no outside protection from the attacks, and  he didn't
retaliate until *after* he was hit. Could it be that this whole "encryption" was just in his
thoughts, and  not the rest of him? And how did this fit in with him *avoiding* anything 
that dealt with mental powers? At that point, she noticed that Lightning and Sneezer were
looking at her, awaiting  a command. She also saw that she still had her thumb on the
speed dial  button on her cell phone.
	Was her new friend *completely* invulnerable, or did that only apply to his 
thoughts?


	Montana was happily walking briskly down the street, following the green  smoke
trail. What the other fools didn't know was that under his jacket he  had a new dart pistol,
loaded and ready. All he had to do was follow the jaguar until he reached his lair,  and
there he would shoot him, skin him, and ship him back to Mexico. And  since there was
little wind today, the smoke trail would linger for a while, allowing him to catch up with
him  at his own pace. Just then, however, something caught up with him.
	"¡¡¡***HIJOLE***!!!"
	The human screamed and jumped ten metres up in the air. On the sidewalk, 
Lightning and Sneezer looked at the flying boy as he ascended above them.
	"Very good, Lightning!" said Sneezer.
	"Gracias," he replied, "Now, for joor part!" Lightning pulled out a small 
peppershaker, and carefully sprinkled a little pepper on Sneezer's nose.  Immediately, he
zoomed to a storm drain and took shelter, flattening his ears as much as he could.
	"AH—AHHHHHHHHH—" Just as Montana came down, there came a very
explosive,  "CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Montana
screamed again as he was blown away in the direction he came from. The sneeze blast
also  dispersed the scent trail for nearly a kilometre. Sneezer sniffled again as  Lightning
zoomed back next to him.
	"And very good, Sneezer!!"
	"Um, 'gracious', I think," giggled the younger mouse.
	"Closs enough. Now comm on!! We have to get reed of de rest of de trail!!" 
Lightning grabbed Sneezer's paw and zoomed off, barely giving him time to  hold on to
his diaper. About a minute later, another sneeze blast exploded in the distance…


	The jaguar turned right, off the pavement onto a dirt trail that led into  Acme
Forest. He thought he heard Sneezer a while back and wondered what  allergy had
triggered his sneeze blasts now. He was just about to reach the first tree of the forest
when  suddenly something blocked his path. Reflexively, he clamped the paw-brakes 
closed and his bicycle skidded a good three metres before stopping. He put one foot-paw
down as a small dust  cloud floated past both him and the sudden obstacle. Taking a
closer look,  he saw that he had stopped with the front tire barely touching Little Beeper's
foot. Seeing who he was,  however, brought him to the defensive.
	"¿Qué quieres?" he asked, nearly growling, flattening his ears and puffing  his tail
and hackles.
	Beeper, in his pizza delivery outfit, and holding a pizza box, calmly held  up a
sign, "Entrega de pizza para ti, Chilango."
	The jaguar sat back, suspicious. "¿Qué? ¡Yo no pedí ninguna pizza!"
	Beeper just signed again, "Es una entrega especial. Tu muy querida amiga  pagó
por la pizza. Tómala como un favor de ella."
	"¿Favor?" It seemed strange to him that Mary would want to do him a  favour—
Mary? "¿*Cuál* amiga?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, even more  suspicious.
	"Pues te daré una pista. No fue ni Elmyra, ni Babs, ni Shirley, ni Fifi, ni 
Sweetie." That just left Mary, then, *if* Beeper was telling the truth. He  carefully took
the pizza, and when he did, Beeper signed, "Nos vemos esta noche." And with a high-
pitched "beep  beep", the young roadrunner zoomed back into Acme Acres.
	The jaguar was about to open the pizza box, when suddenly he realised 
something. He turned and shouted, "¡Espérate! ¿Cómo que 'esta noche'? ¿¡De  qué
hablas!?" But Beeper was already out of range. Why did the roadrunner say that he was
going to see  him later that night? He turned forward again and was about to open the
box,  but then he became wary of it. He slowly brought it to his face, and sniffed
carefully. Hmm, beef and  tomatoes, nice choice. No other scent was coming from it,
though. He  listened carefully, but there was no ticking or humming that would indicate a
timer of any sort. Holding it away from him,  he turned the box around, and opened it
very slowly, so that the pizza was  facing away from him. He put both foot-paws on the
ground now and was ready to warp at any moment, but  once he had opened the box
fully, nothing happened. He shook the box a  little, and still nothing happened. Slowly, he
turned the box around, still expecting something to jump out of  it, or explode. Sure,
Beeper was a Mexican, but his initial comments had  seriously taxed his confidence in
him. Finally, he saw the pizza. Sniffing more carefully again, he didn't  detect
gunpowder, itching powder, sneezing powder, hiccup powder, or  laxatives. He sighed in
relief, finally realising that it *was* from Mary and that Beeper had *not* tampered with 
it. That was a first for him, since in Mexico—
	He stopped that line of thought because he didn't want to get depressed  again. He
took a slice out of the pizza, looked under it, and seeing that it  was safe, began eating it,
relaxing his ears and fur. It was then that he saw the note taped on the inside of  the lid.
Carefully placing the box on top of the handlebars and front  basket, he removed the note.


	J.A.M.:
	Monty's plan was to use Fifi to mark you with her scent so he could track  you to
your house. We took care of him, but don't go to your house tonight.  Here's the address
to my apartment. It looks like we'll study after all with the rest of the guys,  and we'll also
see if we can get that scent off you. In the meantime, enjoy  the pizza.
	Until next time, remember:
	I am Mary Melody!! :)


	The jaguar read the address and then sniffed the note, but couldn't  pinpoint
Mary's scent, due to the strength of the pizza vapours. Looking  back, expecting to see
Montana, he saw instead a faint green smoke that seemed to follow him from the city,
with a  few gaps where Beeper had run across it. Well, he certainly saw the favour  Mary
had done him. Perhaps he *would* make some good friends here after all.
	He carefully set the box so it wouldn't fall off the basket, sat on the  bicycle again,
and began pedalling. He then went around a tree, and headed  back into Acme Acres.

 CUATRO  -  A HARD DAY'S NIGHT


	Calamity carried several jumbo-size tomato juice cans, all empty now, out  of
Mary's apartment. In the bathroom, The J.A.M. was towelling off as best  as he could,
which wasn't an easy task. Human towels were much thinner than furry towels were.
Satisfied  with what he could do with what he had, he pulled out a new t-shirt from his 
kangaroo pouch, pulled it over himself, pawed down his fur as best as he could, and
padded out to the  dining room, where the rest were studying. They looked up from the
table,  acknowledged him, and returned to their books, but Mary continued to look. With
his fur slightly dishevelled,  he had a more feral look about him.
	"Where's all your cleaning stuff?"
	His question snapped her out of whatever had her fixed on him, and she  stuttered,
"Um—uh—in the kitchen. Why?"
	"Well, I can't leave your bathroom in the mess it's in, can I?"
	Mary thought for a moment, and replied, "Uh, just forget it, J.A.M. We have 
studying to do, and with all you've been through, well, I'll take care of  it. Don't worry."
	The jaguar sat in front of her and smiled, "Well, thanks anyway, Miss  Melody. I
really appreciate it. You, and all of you guys."
	Calamity came back and signed, "I de-scented your bike, too. It's all clean  now."
	The jaguar sighed, "Speaking of scents, has anyone ever worried about  Miss—
um—about that skunk girl?"
	"You mean Fifi?" asked Sweetie.
	"Yes. If she jumps on anyone who has a white stripe on their back,  regardless of
species—"
	"And gender," added Sneezer.
	"*Gender*?" asked The J.A.M., raising an eyebrow and lowering his ears in 
slight shock.
	Mary explained, "Sure. But *those* incidents are quietly swept under the  rug by
the WB execs. Too risqué for them, I guess. Sure, it was funny when  Pepe LePew
confused a male cat for a female skunk, but Fifi's confusion is more worrisome than
funny."
	"But has anyone *told* her that her behaviour isn't normal?"
	Calamity signed, also lowering his ears, "We've tried. Trust us."
	"And she has never *seen* herself do this?"
	"Seen herself?" signed Beeper, his shift having finished an hour ago.
	"Yeah. Show her a recording of her confusion moments. Or does she *know* 
what she's doing?"
	Mary thought for a moment, and replied, "I guess that the WB thinks it's  funny
the way she is now. Some guys, including Calamity and Beeper here,  have complained,
but it seems that the complaints fall on deaf ears."
	"But she could have a serious problem! Isn't anyone worried about that?"
	Mary replied again, "She's one of the 'stars' of Tiny Toons. 'They' can  take care of
themselves. We 'bit players' have to stick together as well,  like we did earlier. Don't
worry about her, J.A.M. That's as normal as you'll find her in this loony world."
	It was slight, but the jaguar sensed some resentment and anger in the 
humanmaid's voice. He looked at the others, and saw that none of them were  smiling, but
instead had a rather sad expressions and low features, with bits of anger and resentment
too,  that clearly showed that they agreed with Mary. The J.A.M. thought it best  to drop
the subject and continue studying.


	Later, books were strewn all over the table, as well as notebooks, pencils,  pens,
and one bowl of peanut M&M's, courtesy of the felid.
	"It looks like I'm a fifth wheel," sighed Mary, flipping a book closed.
	The jaguar looked at her with slight confusion. "And the other four wheels  would
be what—?—oh, wait, never mind, I get it. You think you're  superfluous?"
	"That's basically what 'fifth wheel' means, J.A.M.," signed the canid.
	"Yes. Think about it. Sweetie and Sneezer worked perfectly with Furrball as 
predator and prey, and Lightning could have done that too. Calamity and  Beeper are also
perfect predator and prey. You, J.A.M., as a predator, could work with either of  them, or
you could pair up with Calamity, Furrball, or even Arnold and do a  multiple
predator/prey combination. And even when you remain platonic, you and Calamity are
smart enough to flow  with each other. Sweetie and Sneezer are the same size so they
could do any  variation, and Lightning could join either of them and also try any
combination. Beeper and Lightning  could work with no problem, and Sweetie would
have no problems with Beeper  because they're both birds! I think that even Calamity
could pair up with Sweetie by having her mess up  his experiments!!"
	"Like Pinky and the Brain?" asked the canarymaid.
	"Not quite. Page 130 explains how you could fit in."
	The pink avian turned to the page in question, read it, and asked, "A naïve 
assistant?"
	"You'd be perfect for it," continued Mary. "And I'm sure anyone else here  could
do that too. And I'm left as—as—" She sought for a word to describe  herself, "—an
irrelevant owner!! Would anything have been different if the only thing anyone ever saw 
of me was my legs?" Everytoon looked at each other, and then the males  looked at each
other.
	"Well, Mery," replied Lightning, raising his ears, "Joo wood haff donn de  guys a
favor eef joo only worr skerts." Mary looked at the Mexican mouse,  and ten seconds
later everyone laughed at this spontaneous joke, and ears were raised again.
	She chuckled, "Thanks, Lightning. It's nice of you to make me feel wanted."  She
calmed down a moment, and continued, "But do you guys see what my  problem is? I'm a
human! If I were an animal toon like you guys I would have *something* about me  that I
could use as a running gag. Sure, I work well as your owner, and  perhaps I would do a
great zookeeper if I had to do more with Calamity, Beeper, and J.A.M., but how could I
do  any platonic combos? None of you have a personality parallel to mine, none  of you
are my siblings, and the only other female here is Sweetie!"
	"Haven't you tried working with the other females?" asked the panther.  Everyone
sighed at this question, and the males lowered their ears again.
	"Yes," she whispered angrily. "And the personalities of Babs, Shirley, and  Fifi
are so *dominant* that I'm practically thrown in the dark. That, and  remember, they're
the 'stars'. I'm so NORMAL I just don't fit in anywhere, except as the straight-woman or 
the voice of reason!! And you *know* what little use of reason there is  around here!!
Any partner I get would make me the victim of all the jokes!!"
	The J.A.M. lowered his head and replied, "Sorry I asked. But if you can't  find a
partner at all, why don't you try solo? You know, maybe you against  looniness?"
	"Me against looniness?"
	"Yes. Logic against illogic. Reason against nonsense. Ever see 'Yellow 
Submarine'?"
	"With the Beatles? That would work, but then, wouldn't that throw me back  with
'Porky in Wackyland'?"
	"And Professor Porky was also the voice of reason most of the time," added 
Sneezer. "He was Daffy's sidekick as well."
	"Then that leaves me with Monty as my partner," she huffed, crossing her  arms
in anger. "And we're back to square one. I just can't find where I fit  in this world. It looks
like wacky newscasts is the only place I'll ever succeed in. And I can't even  come up
with material for that!! *That* is why I'm thinking of  transferring!!"
	Features drooped again, and everytoon remained silent for a while, until  the
panther spoke, "So you've seen all the material, and you can't identify  with any of it?"
	"With *some* of it, but none of that is any good," she sighed.
	"Then you need to look for material in other places, true. But don't  transfer yet.
I'm sure that there is something out there that you can  identify with. Perhaps not with the
Warner Brothers or British comedy, but you don't need to transfer to use other  material,
do you?"
	Mary sighed, "No, I guess not."
	"Then we'll help you look. Anything that you might grab on to, we'll help  you
find it."
	"Thanks," she said, without much enthusiasm. "But it's just so frustrating  to want
to do something and being powerless to do it." With that, the  humanmaid spoke no more.


	It was 21:30 when the "bit players" left Mary's apartment, except for  Sweetie,
who returned to her cage in Mary's room. The humanmaid closed the  front door and was
about to clean the dining room, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. She  opened
it again, and saw her feline friend still there.
	"J.A.M.?"
	"Could I ask you one last thing before I leave? I didn't want the others to  hear it
because there was a chance that they might have been offended by  it."
	Mary wondered about this request, but heard herself reply, "Sure. Come in."
	"Oh, it will be quick. I'll just stay here." She didn't know why but she  felt a tad
disappointed at that reply. "Miss Melody, what did you mean  earlier when you said that
the 'stars' could take care of themselves?"
	The humanmaid sighed, looked into his orange eyes, and replied, "J.A.M., I  mean
just that. The 'stars' of Tiny Toons are much better off than we are.  Whether they're good
guys or bad guys, they have everything at their disposal, even greater attention by  the
Looniversity faculty. If Fifi finally wises up and realises that there  might be something
wrong with her, she has the entire medical staff at her beck and call. We 'bit players' are 
generally ignored. They ignore us unless they need supporting characters to  make them
look good, and we're not just talking about Plucky. They're not egotistical like he is, but
whatever  they want, they get, mostly with our help. They call us their 'friends', but  you'd
be surprised at how little they know about us. And what they *do* know about us is
mostly for their  convenience. For instance, *none* of the 'stars' know that Sneezer and 
Sweetie are dating."
	The J.A.M. raised an eyebrow and lowered one ear at this. "He's still in  diapers,
and he's dating?"
	Mary pushed that quickly aside, "He has an incontinence problem and both  *are*
in school, but again, only *we* know about that. If the 'stars' were  *true* friends, they
would have known about this long ago. Again, they call us 'friends', but it seems that  for
them, a 'friend' is anyone who isn't a downright villain or a psychotic  fan. But we
'friends' get *walked on* by them, as you saw this afternoon." She then brushed off a spot
on her  shoulder that Sweetie missed earlier. "Even Babs and Buster wouldn't  hesitate to
walk over us. In fact, they did just that. They call Sneezer their 'friend', but they really
consider  him a disposable character. That was proven one day when Steven Spielberg 
himself called them in the middle of taping to give them an earful—and you know how
big rabbit ears are—of what  they were doing wrong. Those two refused to take the call,
and they called  on Sneezer to take it. He didn't know it was Steve, hence, he didn't know
he was the sacrificial lamb.  The moment Sneezer took the call he got the cruel and harsh
reprimand that  Steven had prepared for the hosts of his show."
	When he heard this, the jaguar's yellow fur bristled and turned slightly  red again,
"What?" he growled, flattening both ears now and flashing his  fangs. "Didn't anyone DO
something about that??!!"
	Mary sighed again, "Sure. Once Steve hung up, Sneezer got angry at the  bunnies,
but sneezed himself off the set before he could do anything about  it. We saw him crying
shortly after that, and he told us what happened. We got together, went to Steve and  told
him everything, and he gave Sneezer a mild apology, but didn't take  back what he said
because 'a Tiny Toon is a Tiny Toon,' he said. That was actually more than we expected
from  Steve, though. We tried to make the most of it by taking the reprimand as 
constructive criticism and using what Steve said was wrong to improve our
performances. That's why we 'bit  players' must take care of each other. We wouldn't be
able to survive  otherwise." The humanmaid sighed again, and finished. "Not all of them
are like that, of course. There are a  few toons who are 'in the middle', like Furrball and
Shirley. Bookworm is  just part of the Library Staff, and Concord is getting his pre-med.
Fowlmouth cusses openly a lot so no one  wants to be near him at all, and Vinnie just
takes care of his herd. Still,  even with our improvements, we always get overlooked."
	The J.A.M. looked at her for a moment, calmed down, smoothed down his fur, 
kept his ears low, and said, "I—I'm sorry. I didn't know this ran so deep  among all of
you."
	"Lightning feels worse. One hundred episodes, an *established* mentor, and  all
anyone ever saw of him was a still picture. He was even rejected when  the 'stars' went to
Baja for an episode where coyotes oppressed a town of mice. Speedy Gonzales was more 
furious than anyone had seen him before, but even his influences were no  good. I guess
that 'political correctness' got in the way. Sneezer is kinda on the opposite situation. His 
mentor, Sniffles, a 'bit player' himself compared to the rest of the staff,  couldn't get into
the show, perhaps because he remained young. And it goes on and on."
	Mary sighed with frustration. The J.A.M. thought some more, and asked, "So 
basically, you need all the help you can get?"
	"And more."
	"Well, if that's the case, do you think I could hang out with you guys?  That way,
you'd have another predator on your side, with warping abilities!  With my warps, Mister
Coyote's brain, Mister Beeper's super speed, and Mister Sneezer's blasts, we'll have  more
power than Mademoiselle LaFume and—and—what was the loon's name again?"
	"Shirley."
	"Shirley, right. Sorry, for some reason I have problems remembering some 
names."
	Mary was stunned for a moment, but finally replied, "Hey, I'd—we'd love to  have
you on board, J.A.M.!!" She saw his ears straighten up, and she smiled  at this, but then,
suddenly remembering what Shirley had found out, she felt just a tad scared, and it 
showed on her face.
	"What?" he asked, lowering his ears again.
	Mary looked at him and saw that he wanted to shake her hand. She snapped  out
of her fear and took his furry paw, but she shivered anyway.
	"Oh, um, nothing," she stuttered, releasing his paw. Perhaps, if he *did*  have
some unknown protection, the "bit players" would have that on their  side as well.
	The J.A.M. could smell fear, however. "I'm scaring you, aren't I?"
	She was stunned once again. Did he read her mind? "Uh—no—that is—not 
really—I—I—"
	"It's okay. It's not the first time I smell adrenaline coming from  someone." Oh,
that explains it. "And as a predator, I sorta got used to it  by now. But don't worry, Miss
Melody. I'm actually very peaceful and the only 'hunting' I do is when I'm buying food  or
candy. That, and if I feel I'm being hunted myself."
	"Huh?"
	"Well, yesterday I caught—caught—oh, what was his name?"
	"Montana?"
	"Montana," he nodded, "trying to follow me to my house. I gave him a  warning
that if he ever tried hunting me like that in the forest, I would  have the advantage there
and it would be a piece of cake for me to switch roles on him, so *he* would become the 
prey. It looks like he decided to try a slightly indirect approach today,  but thanks to you
guys, you saved his hide."
	"We did?" She wondered how that was even remotely possible.
	"Yes. If he had found my house and tried to break in, my territorial  instincts
might have left him as a pulp. But don't worry. I don't have any  plans on eating him."
Adrenaline was still coming from her, however, and it was keeping his ears low. "It's my 
Feline Defence Spin, isn't it?"
	"Yes." That was only part of what was scaring her, though. "Elmyra kinda 
deserved it, and everyone was glad you did that, but when you did it to  Fifi—um—
well—"
	It was the jaguar's turn to sigh. "Look, I won't say I'm proud of what I  did. But
I've been raised with a particular set of ethics, and Mademoiselle  LaFume—well—she
kinda clashed against that. Combined with her inability to reason, I doubt I could have 
stopped myself." Hmm, another snag here.
	"Strange, Calamity is a predator and he controls his temper rather well."
	"Miss Melody, it's more than just temper. The way Fifi moved her paws  around,
she—um—kinda—triggered a—um—'reflex reaction'."
	"Reflex?" she asked, wondering if she was judging him too quickly.
	"It's a long story. But normally I don't fly off the deep end like that.  I—I hope
you don't fear me because of what you saw."
	"Well, J.A.M., it's kinda hard not to. You're the first one *ever* to do an  FDS on
Fifi!"
	"I am? Well, I'd better apologise to her tomorrow then. And please don't be  afraid
of me. It really does take a lot to make me lose my temper. Even  getting angry is a bit of
a stretch for me, but if I ever do, it will be for a good reason, like if someone  tries to
break into my house, or if I see someone abusing of someone  weaker."
	Mary looked at him, and asked, "Like just now, when I told you what  happened
to Sneezer?" The jaguar nodded. "Is that why your fur was starting  to turn red?"
	"Yes. When I get embarrassed, only my black spots turn red. This afternoon  I
was more annoyed than angry, though. Sometimes instinctive reactions  overtake me, but
only when I have my guard down. Like when I got here, it took some effort for me *not* 
to leave claw marks on your doorpost."
	She blinked at this. "Why would you want to leave claw marks on my door 
post?"
	"Instincts. Whenever we jaguars enter new territory, we put claw marks on  trees
as high as we can reach from the ground. That way, if another jaguar  arrives and does the
same thing, he or she can see if the other jaguar is bigger or smaller than he or  she is, and
thus can decide to either not give any trouble, or try to take  over. I—kinda did that at the
Looniversity, but I don't think anyone noticed, or *will* notice, unless  they're a jaguar as
well."
	Mary looked at him and sighed. He certainly was considerate enough to give 
warning signs of his predator instincts and temper, which apparently  wouldn't be
triggered unless there was either a direct attack on him or if someone was being bullied.
	"So, do you think you can trust me?" he asked.
	Trust?
	She thought for a moment, and replied, "Okay then. But if you do an FDS on  me
or any of the other 'bit players', I'll *personally* remove your hide and  give it to
Elmyra." She was angry, but it was a playful kind of angry, evidenced by her poking his
chest  to emphasise her words.
	He raised his paws and backed off a trifle at this. "Whoa, okay then!!" His  ears
straightened, finally. "By the way, don't bother cleaning your  bathroom."
	"Huh? Why not?" she asked, suddenly getting annoyed.
	"Because I cleaned it when you weren't looking."
	"Hey!! I told you I'd take care of it!!" she exclaimed, placing her hands  on her
hips.
	"Miss Melody, please. If I make a mess, I'll clean it up. And no, I didn't  leave
claw marks there, either. And that is *another* reason for you to  trust me." They looked
at each other's eyes for a while, until the jaguar decided he needed to break away.  "Well,
I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. Until ne—"
	"Hey, wait!"
	"What?" he asked, rather stunned as she was.
	She really didn't want him to leave, but she didn't know why. But until she  had a
perfectly good reason, it would be better if he did. "Um—" Quick! She  had to think of
something! "I'll—I'll see you to the garage. I have a copy of the key."
	"Okay." They walked/padded down the stairs, and Mary opened the garage  door.
Inside, the jaguar unlocked his bicycle, and pushed it outside. No  sooner had he done
that when it began to rain. "Drat," he growled. "I *hate* pedalling in the rain!"
	"Well, why don't you stay here then—?" Mary would have covered her own 
mouth if she wasn't as shocked as she was when she heard her own question.
	The J.A.M., meanwhile, just replied. "Oh, I couldn't do that. It's getting  late, and
we don't know when the rain will stop."
	"Oh, it's no problem at all!! I mean, my parents are home!!" Why was she 
insisting?
	"Miss Melody, it just *wouldn't* be proper. And I don't even want to think  of the
rumours that would generate from this."
	"Rumours? But nobody has to know!!"
	"True. But you *know* that—that—um—that guy—"
	"Monty."
	"Monty—wants to track me to my house, so he's most probably monitoring this 
block, and even *more* because the rain is wiping out the last of the scent  trail I left
behind. If I don't go home, he'll know I stayed here with you. And parents or no parents, 
he'll be likely to start a rumour." Drat, he was right. And if Plucky got a  hold of it, there's
no telling *what* it might degenerate to. "So, I'd rather get soaked again than ruin your
good  name. And I doubt you'd want to become famous in that particular manner."
	Disappointed again, she agreed, "You—you're right. But I feel terrible  about you
getting soaked if you can avoid it—hey, can't you warp to your  house? If Monty's
waiting for you to leave on your bicycle, he'll be able to track you and follow the tire 
tracks in the forest. But if you stay hidden, then he'll be back to square  one!!"
	The jaguar thought for a moment and replied, "Sounds like a good idea, but  are
you sure I can leave my bike here?"
	"As long as you don't block the driveway," she nodded.
	"But will it be safe here? I'm a little overprotective, you know. Back in  Mexico,
Cygmon's predecessor was stolen right off my front porch."
	It was the humanmaid's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Cygmon?"
	"That's what I call my bike."
	Mary looked down at it, and looked closer at the white decals on the frame:
	CYGNAL MONTERO
	"Oh. Um, sure, it's perfectly safe here. Only the tenants have keys to the  garage."
	The J.A.M. thought again, and replied, "Very well, then. I trust *you*."  For some
reason, a shiver ran down Mary's back, and something swelled inside  her rib cage when
she heard that. A trifle confused, she followed the jaguar back inside and watched as  he
locked the rear wheel to the frame. Then, he turned to her. "I'll pick it  up in the morning.
At what time can I come by?"
	Mary didn't know why, but she had to do more. "Um, tell you what. Why don't  I
take it to the Looniversity? That way there won't be a risk of you being  late."
	The J.A.M. looked at her. "Are you sure? It's a tad heavy."
	"Oh, it won't be any problem at all, J.A.M. Besides, you *do* trust *me*,  right?"
	He looked at her for a moment again, as something new rose within his own 
chest now. He smiled. "Sure thing then." He then took out his key holder,  removed the
lock key, and placed it on Mary's hand. There was something about his fur that Mary 
couldn't place, something that he had that no other furry toon had, not even  Calamity or
Furrball. "You be good to it, then. See you tomorrow, and thanks for everything. Until
next time,  remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." The next instant [WARP!!!] he
was  gone.
	Mary suddenly snapped back to rational thought again and ran to the door.  The
rain was considerable, but it wasn't a downpour. She looked left and  right, but there was
no one around.
	He would be safe.
	She looked at the key in her hand.
	And somehow, she knew she would be too.

 CINCO  -  DRAWN LINES


	Mary was surprised at how heavy the bicycle was, and yet how smoothly it  rode;
certainly a big change from her roller blades. She pedalled her way to  school, enjoying
the morning air, this time clad in an orange t-shirt, light blue slacks, and her  ponytail in a
white bow. Maybe she should get a bicycle of her own one of  these days. She entered the
campus, and was rather disappointed that the ride ended so quickly, and also because she 
knew she wouldn't be riding the bicycle home. She locked it on the rack, and  walked into
the main building. Just inside the main doors, The J.A.M. was waiting for her.
	"Good evening."
	"Hi. You sure put a lot of accessories on that thing. It *is* heavy!" she  said, as
she gave him back his key.
	"I know." His voice suddenly switched to something similar to Ernie  Anderson,
"It's an all-terrain attack bicycle, designed to fight urban  crime! Capable of incredible
speeds up to 40 kilometres an hour—" He stopped when he saw her blank expression,
and  asked with his normal voice, "And immense firepower? You never saw 'Street 
Hawk', did you?"
	She thought for a moment and replied, "It doesn't ring a bell, no."
	"Oh. Forget what I said about the 'attack and fight' thing then. And the  'top speed'
can only be reached on level ground and with a tail wind. It  won't win any races, but it
gets me from here to there."
	As the two talked and walked down the hall, another toon waited until they 
passed her, and she quickly turned and quietly walked behind them. She  almost missed
them because she was practically falling asleep, apparently having stayed up all night, as 
the bags under her eyes declared. Shirley then extended her wings toward the  panther,
and glowed faintly as her aura powered up. Psychically, she sought his mind, and reached
it.
	Or so she thought.
	Sweating with cosmic exertion, the loon hen channelled all her energy into  this
action, ready to drill inside the jaguar's head.
	"I've been thinking of adding an air horn. You know, for all those drivers  that
don't bother signalling when they're going to turn right."
	"And that way your bike will sound like a train?"
	Shirley couldn't understand it. She suddenly turned to Mary and sensed her  mind
just fine. Quickly establishing a link on the subject of bicycles, the  loon hen tried to enter
The J.A.M.'s mind through Mary's. Since neither of the mammals were telepaths,  neither
was using their mind to communicate, so they were only using sound  and gestures to do
so. Mary had normal thoughts that could be normally read. The J.A.M. had thoughts,  and
she knew that, but—
	The two stopped at the jaguar's locker. Shirley stepped back so she was  across
the hall from them. "Or a semi, at least. I'll need to figure out how  to install it so it can't
be easily removed, and where to put it exactly so that it doesn't blast my own  eardrums
out, and where it will be easy to reach."
	"And you'd have to change it periodically," added Mary.
	Shirley, now extremely frustrated to the point of being unbalanced, opened  her
mind fully and read the mind of everyone who was within three metres  from her. It was
like listening to a crowd, and it was almost overwhelming, but now that she was sure that 
her powers weren't fluctuating, she homed in on The J.A.M. again. Soon, she  blocked
everyone but the jaguar. Her feathers ruffled increasingly, and her neck began arching.
	"Bonjour, monsieur jaguar," cooed a French voice from their right.
	The two turned and the jaguar replied, "Oh, bonjour, Mademoiselle—uh—what 
was your last name again?"
	"LaFume."
	"LaFume," he repeated, turning fully to her, lowering his ears. "I want to 
apologise for yesterday."
	"Apologise?" asked the skunkmaid, bewildered.
	"Yes. You're the first furry female I ever did a Feline Defence Spin to,  and even
though you triggered a few reflexes on me, I—I shouldn't have been  so rude."
	Shirley was drenched with sweat. Her eyes were getting more and more  dilated.
	"Oh, non need to apologise, mon sweet keety!" replied the bubbly skunkmaid. 
"Zat ees ze first time anyone everr gets, 'ow you say, 'rough' on moi?"
	Mary and The J.A.M. blinked at that.
	"You mean you *liked* it?" asked the humanmaid.
	"Oh, non," she shook her head, "eet ees not zat. Yoo see, tu are ze first  male Ah
meet zat 'as ze same strength as moi, non?"
	"Maybe," replied the felid, "but tell me something. Would you have pounced  on
me if I didn't have a stripe painted on my back?"
	It was the memphitid's turn to lower her ears and blink at this, while the  loon hen
had not blinked for ten minutes now.
	"Quelle?"
	"Yeah. That—that—guy—uh—"
	"Monty," said Mary.
	"Monty, yes, thanks," he told her, then turned back to Fifi, "painted a  white stripe
down my back. Didn't you see that?"
	Fifi thought for a moment, and replied, "Ah do not remembair Monty. All Ah 
remember was falleeng een lovv weez tu, mon amour!" She perked her ears up  and
caressed his cheek with her right paw.
	"What?!" asked Mary, suddenly beginning to wonder why Fifi left France in  the
first place. And she even beat her Mexican friend to the next line, "But  you *didn't* fall
in love, Fifi! Monty triggered a reflex with you! See?" She grabbed The J.A.M.'s 
shoulders and turned him around, showing Fifi his back. They still had not  noticed the
trembling loon hen across the hall. "Yesterday you called him a skunk, which he isn't. He 
doesn't have a white stripe anymore. Can you say you still feel the same  way?"
	The skunkmaid fluttered her eyes at the jaguar and replied, "All Ah know  ees zat
tu arr ze Lateen 'unk. Eef tu don't 'ave ze stripe, we'll fannd somm  paint, non? And zen,"
she wrapped her huge tail around him, "what do tu say we, 'ow you say, play  'ockey and
go to mon Cadeelac?"
	A blank expression was the jaguar's only response, until he turned and  asked the
humanmaid, "Play hockey? But I hate sports!" Mary sighed and shook  her head,
	"I think she meant 'play hooky", J.A.M."
	Shirley summoned all her power and was almost frying herself as she tried  to
enter into the panther's mind.
	"Oh." He turned back to Fifi, but still kept that blank look on his face. A  few
moments later he turned to Mary again, "Define 'hooky'?"
	Mary blinked at him again, but remembered that he wasn't from around here,  "It
means that she wants you to sneak out of school."
	He frowned at this, turning back to the skunkmaid, "Oh. Sorry, maybe after 
school we can go to your—" Suddenly, his own eyes flashed, his ears  flattened fully, his
yellow fur reddened, and his tail fluffed up. "*Cadillac*?" Fifi fluttered her eyes at  him
again and nodded softly. "And *why*, pray tell, would you want me to  SNEAK with
you to your Cadillac?"
	The memphitid apparently ignored his bristling features and cooed, "Now do  tu
*really* need to ask zat? Ah told tu alreadee, Ah want to show tu *mon*  qualités! Don't
tu want to see zem?"
	Slightly flashing his fangs, he nearly growled, "Not if you want me to  sneak out
of school and go to a secluded place, I don't!" At that, Fifi  snapped out of her romantic
mood. He unwrapped her tail from him again, and said, "Look, I hate to tell you this,  but
I *know* you don't mean any of that. When we first met, you totally  rejected me when I
asked you to sit with us, and not one day later, you threw yourself at me thinking I was 
something I'm not! It's obvious that you have a problem, Mademoiselle  LaFume, one
that some guys will take advantage of if you don't do something about it. And I'm not
'some guys'."  He was clearly growling now, leaning toward her. "I have different ethics 
and morals than some of the others, you know. But even if you *didn't* stink, I still
wouldn't go along  with these advances of yours because I know you don't mean them."
	Confusion was now filling the memphitid's mind, making her lower her ears 
again. "Eh? What are tu talkeeng about? What 'problem'?"
	Mary stepped beside the jaguar, deciding to be the voice of reason once  more.
"Fifi, you have a problem. If J.A.M. here was any other species or if  he had any other
personality, no matter how repulsive, you would have jumped on him if he had a white
stripe  down his back. And you should be glad that he's not playing along with you."
	The skunkmaid was trembling now, but with rage. And she would have sprayed 
both of them if she didn't have issues about spraying another female.
	"AH DO *NOT* 'AVE ZE PROBLEM!!" she growled, ears fully laid back, fangs 
flashing, and tail twitching. Huffing, she stomped off, leaving them alone.
	"Well, I *did* apologise," he said, rather sadly, as he saw the skunkmaid  leave.
	"You did," she replied, "but don't feel bad about her. She knows the truth  now,
and what she does with it is now up to her."
	Both sighed, and then he relaxed his features and asked, "Ready for class,  then?"
he asked.
	"Well, after what we discussed last night, I feel more ready than I  normally do. 
Oh, hi, Shirley!" Mary turned around and saw the loon hen  looking at them, sweating 
and trembling. The J.A.M. turned around and also saw her. 
	"Good evening." Orange eyes met blue ones again. Shirley tried to push  through 
his eyes to get to his soul. Noticing her exertions, ruffled  feathers, and arched neck, he 
raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you okay, Miss—um—excuse me but what was your 
last  name again?" 
	At that point, the loon hen's powers failed, and she collapsed on the  floor. 
Immediately, the mammals rushed to help. Mary cried, "Shirley! What's  wro—?" 
	"LIKE, STAY AWAY FROM ME, ER SUM JUNK!! AND MY LAST NAME 
IS 'LOON'!!" she  gasped, pointing at the jaguar, while struggling to stand. 
	Babs, Buster, Plucky, Hamton, and Calamity rushed to the scene when they  heard 
her. Mary and The J.A.M., however, stopped in their tracks at this  outburst. The panther 
lowered his ears again and asked, "What?" 
	Suddenly remembering, Mary asked, "Shirley, this isn't about yesterday, is  it?" 
	Misunderstanding that question, the jaguar felt slightly sheepish. "Oh.  Look, 
Miss Loon, I know I wasn't very polite with Mademoiselle LaFume  yesterday. She 
triggered a reflex I should have warned her about, and I'm really sorry that I had to do the 
FDS  on her. But I already apologised and I'm not here to hurt anyo—" 
	"Like, I don't know who you are or, like, WHAT you are," hissed the loon  hen, 
rather suddenly. "Or, like, where your protection comes from!!" 
	"Protection?" asked The J.A.M. 
	"But, like, you'd better stay away from me, er sum junk!! Like, FROM *ALL*  of 
us!!" 
	At this, the humanmaid became incensed, "What?? Shirley, just what the hell  is 
wrong with you??!!" 
	The loon hen suddenly turned to her, and with wild eyes, replied, "ME??!!  The 
question, like, *should* be what is wrong with—" she turned back to the  jaguar, "—
with—with THAT!!!" Now that was just plain impolite. 
	"I do have a name you know," he protested. 
	Shirley continued, "I don't CARE!! Like, just go away!! LEAVE!!" 
	Mary hissed back at her. "Shirley, stop that!! You can't talk to others  like that!!" 
	A tap on her shoulder made her turn to the panther. "Miss Melody, just—just  let 
this go. If she wants me out of her sight, then I'll get out of her  sight. I'll see you in class, 
okay?" 
	As he turned to leave, the humanmaid protested, "NO!! Don't go anywhere!!"  
She turned back to Shirley and [WARP!!!] scolded, "I don't know what you're  trying to 
pull, but J.A.M. is my friend, and you're NOT going to treat him like dirt the way you  all 
treat everyone el—!!!" She turned to hold the panther's paw, but he was  gone. 
	At this point, Plucky stepped up and helped Shirley stand. The bunnies,  too, had 
witnessed the scene, since they were following Shirley. 
	"What did you sense this time?" asked Buster. 
	Shirley shook her head and put one wing on it, trying to re-centre herself.  She 
regained her breath, and replied, "Well, first of all, I, like, stayed  up all night, 
channelling psychic after psychic on my crystal ball, er sum junk!! I, like, talked to all the  
experts. I even, like, channelled Shirley McLane for five hours, er sum  junk!! Then I, 
like, read every single psychic page on the Internet, and, like, all I got was NOTHING, er 
sum  junk!!" 
	"What were you looking for?" asked Hamton. 
	"Like, anything that had to do with thought encryption. But, like, nobody  knew, 
er sum junk. LIKE, NOT EVEN SHIRLEY MCLANE!!" she screamed. "So  instead, I, 
like, sought ought every technique available for, like, entering and reading minds, er  sum 
junk." 
	Suddenly realising what was happening, Mary grabbed Shirley's sweater and  
pulled her to her face. "You mean you were trying to read The J.A.M.'s mind  again 
*without* his permission?!" Wanting to prevent a fight, Calamity and Buster pulled them  
apart. 
	"Yes," hissed Shirley, unfazed at the humanmaid. "I, like, had to." 
	"And what did you get this time, Shirl?" asked Plucky, his own feathers  ruffling 
due to Mary's temper. 
	The loon hen shivered and sighed, and explained, "Like, the same thing I  got 
yesterday. Scrambled sounds and images, er sum junk. I, like, scanned  all around him, 
searching for, like, any opening, but even when he was distracted talking to Mary and 
Fifi,  like, there just weren't any!! I, like, couldn't get through at all!!" 
	"So he *does* have a mental block?" asked Mary, still angry. 
	"N-no. Or, like, I'm not sure. He, like, wasn't the one scrambling his  thoughts, 
and he, like, wasn't the one blocking me. Or more than, like,  blocking, I was being 
bounced back, er sum junk!! Even at, like, my highest power level, his mind felt like a  
bubble that, like, bounces everything off, er sum junk!! And he, like,  didn't sense me 
doing it!! Anyone would have, like, sensed my mind in theirs at that point, er sum junk! 
At, like, my  highest power, like, my mental presence is too evident! But, like, that  
wasn't what scared me." 
	"*Scared* you?" signed Calamity, lowering one ear and raising one eyebrow.  
"But he just said he didn't come here to hurt anyone!!" 
	"Well, like, I think I found out just *how* his thoughts are scrambled, er  sum 
junk. Right when you two, like, turned to look at me, I got a message." 
	"From his mind?" asked Babs. 
	"Like, yes and no. He, like, didn't generate it, but, like, it was suddenly  there. The 
message, like, was—was—" The loon hen took a deep breath, and  stated, "'Illegal mental 
access. This is a restricted mental area protected by Higher Powers. Cease and  desist all 
attempts to read and decipher immediately.' Then the message,  like, repeated itself in 
Spanish, er sum junk, I think." Shirley looked at the other toons, now somewhat 
frightened,  as the mammals drooped their ears in fright, and Plucky lowered his neck a  
trifle, and continued, "Like, I don't know what we're dealing with here, er sum junk. No 
psychic has, like,  received something like that from *anyone*, like, none that I know, er 
sum  junk. A Higher Power is, like, protecting The J.A.M.'s mind, and, like, I don't think 
It likes me, er sum  junk. I, like, suggest we keep our distance from—" 
	"Shirley, *I* wouldn't like you either if you tried that on *me*," huffed  Mary, 
leaning into Shirley's face. "And I can't believe that you tried  something like that without 
his permission! Did you even sense evil vibes from him this time?" 
	"Uh, like, no." 
	Mary sighed angrily, "I thought you were different from the rest, but  you're just 
like the 'stars' around here," she looked at the other Tiny  Toons with contempt. "You 
don't think twice about walking over others to get what you want. Did you even *bother*  
to ask The J.A.M. *why* his mind is being protected like that?" The loon hen  was so un-
centred that she had no answer. "No. The moment he became friends with us 'bit players' 
you  all decided to treat him like dirt the same way you treat US like dirt!! And  now that 
you tried to find out more about him you discovered Something that is higher than you 
and It has  you scared to death. Well, *I'm* not scared!! I just *might* ask The J.A.M.  to 
tell me how he does it so that I can shield myself from YOU!! I don't know how many 
times you've read my  mind before, Shirley, but you no longer have my permission to do 
it  anymore." 
	Somewhat upset at a previous declaration, Buster padded up to her, "Uh,  Mary, 
wait a minute. Since when do *we* walk all over you and treat you like  dirt??" 
	Mary turned angrily to the buck and replied, "You don't even notice, do  you, 
Buster? But you do it. You've done it to *all* of us. You use us 'bit  players' to get what 
you want. You call us your 'friends', but how much do you know about us? How much 
more do  you know about me, other that I do newscasts and I like skating? How much  
more do you know about Sneezer, other than his sneeze blasts? How much more do you 
know about  Lightning, Beeper, Calamity, and Sweetie? Do you know where they were 
born,  whom their boyfriends and girlfriends are, or what their favourite books are? Do 
you *really* know how  many Mexicans there are standing before you *at this moment*? 
No, you don't.  And you don't know because you don't *need* to know. And unless that 
knowledge makes you look  better, you won't *want* to know. Gosh, if *that's* what you 
call a friend,  I'd hate to be your enemy, even if *that* made me a star." She then turned 
to Babs, and told her, "I  once looked up to you and the Amazing Three, hoping that 
Sweetie and me  would one day join you and form the Amazing Five. But *not* if that 
means walking all over *my* friends. Now, if  you all excuse me, I have a newscast to 
script." Turning away, she stomped  down the hall, leaving behind plenty of bewildered 
toons. The bell rang, so Hamton, Calamity, and Shirley  began walking away as well. 
	"Waittaminute," said Plucky, "There aren't any Mexicans here! Lightning is  in 
another class right now!" Hearing this, Calamity stopped, flattened his  ears, raised his 
hackles, turned to the duck, snarled at him momentarily, and also stomped away. 
	 Suddenly realising what was going on, Buster turned to the angry coyote  and 
asked, completely surprised, "Calamity? You're a Mexican?" 
	The canid halted again. He had heard that tone of voice before. Slowly, he  turned 
to the bunny, and bared his teeth. He signed, "Yes. Are you surprised  at this, Buster?" 
	Seeing his fangs, the lagomorph slowly backed away. "Well, I didn't—" 
	"You never thought that I could be anything *except* an American?" 
	"No, it's just that you never ment—" 
	"Because only Americans or Japanese or Europeans can be geniuses?" 
	"How could we know if you never tal—?" 
	"Or do you find it shocking that one can be a Mexican AND a genius at the  same 
time?" 
	"NOW WAITTAMINUTE!!" he exclaimed, finally stopping and looking at  
Calamity's eyes. "Why are YOU getting offended at something **I** never knew  
because YOU never told me??" 
	"Because," he signed, "until now, you know all you *need* or *want* to know  
about me. And you still do." With that, Calamity turned, and stomped off.  The others 
walked away as well, leaving the bunnies behind, and moments later Plucky shrugged 
and left  them as well. 
	Buster sighed, realising he had offended a good friend, or someone he  considered 
a friend, at least, and just probably *lost* as a friend as well.  He turned to Babs and— 
	"BEEP BEEP!!" A resounding crash interrupted all dialogue at this point.  Little 
Beeper looked up with satisfaction at the two rabbits that now had  their heads through 
the ceiling. He then turned to the camera and signed, "¡Conejos gringos!" Another tongue  
flicker and a "beep beep", and he sped off. 
	A minute later, both rabbits managed to pry their heads off the ceiling and  
flopped back to the floor. As they were dusting themselves off, Babs said,  "You know, 
Buster, I think we hit a nerve." 
	"And hit *hard*. And now they're hitting back." Someone very small zoomed  
behind them at this point, but remained unnoticed. The lagomorphs were about  to raise 
their ears again. 
	"Well, do you think that Calamity and Beeper will be angry at us for a  while?" 
	"¡¡¡***HIJOLE***!!!" In the next moment, both rabbits again had their heads  in 
the ceiling holes previously made. 
	Lightning happily sped off while Buster replied with a muffled voice,  "Them, 
and all the 'bit players'. Ouch." 
	Another tiny toon walked under them at this point. "Hey, do you need help  up 
there?" he asked. 
	Upon hearing his voice, both lagomorphs panicked. "Oh, no. No!! NOOOOO!!!"  
Their struggling caused some dust to fall from the ceiling, some of which  fell on the 
toon's nose. 
	"Oh, don't worry. I'll get you  ou—ou—ahh—ahhhh——————
CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" 
	The next thing everyone saw was a hole in the ceiling, and the rabbits were  now 
stuck on the ceiling of the next floor. Sneezer sniffed a trifle, and  declared through 
clenched incisors, "That was for the phone call." He was about to leave, but then he  
turned to the camera, smiled, and politely said, "Excuse me." He giggled a  trifle and 
padded happily away.


	Mary Melody didn't show up for Platonic Partners class. The few toons who  
noticed, namely, the "bit players", began worrying. And they worried even  more when 
they didn't find her at the cafeteria during lunch, either. None of them felt hungry due to  
the earlier confrontations, so they left the cafeteria early to look for  their friend. They 
found her before they could split up, however, but not in the way they were hoping. The 
TV sets  all around the school turned on, and the screen showed the WB logo while a  
voiceover proclaimed, "This is a special K-ACME news broadcast. Here's your host: 
Mary Melody." 
	The screen now showed Mary in her white dress blouse and dark blue jacket,  
sitting at the news desk. The camera zoomed in on her stone face, and she  emotionlessly 
read the teleprompter that was right below the camera lens. "Good afternoon, I'm Mary  
Melody, and this is a special K-ACME News Report. Acme Looniversity school  officials 
are worried by the increase in complaints of invasion of privacy among the students. The  
latest incident, which happened earlier today, left some toons shocked and  afraid, and 
one even commented, 'it's getting so that even our own private thoughts aren't private  
anymore'." Mary placed one paper aside, and continued, "School officials are  also 
worried about the increase of stalking reports in the Looniversity, in Acme Acres, and in 
the Acme Forest area. An  incident which highlights this was precisely when a toon was 
stalked *and*  mugged yesterday and nearly lost his hide to his assailant." The J.A.M. 
lowered his ears and blinked at  this. Wasn't she blowing all of this out of proportion? 
Mary continued,  "Fortunately, the toon overcame his assailant and was able to escape 
unharmed. Another complaint is that of lack  of restraint among some furry female toons. 
This is what Principal Bugs had  to say..." 
	The screen suddenly switched to a recording of Bugs Bunny, who spoke to the  
camera, from his office desk, "Eh, dere are furry females who have soitain  cycles, some 
of which are activoitin' because dey are enterin' puberty. Dese females shoulda talk to  da 
school noises or deir doctah." 
	The screen switched back to Mary, who finished, "Principal Bugs did not  wish to 
talk about the insecurity issues in and around the Looniversity.  More news tonight at ten. 
This is Mary Melody for K-ACME news special report." With that, the screen showed  
the WB logo again. 
	The "bit players" ignored the closing, and Calamity signed, "I guess Mary  is in 
the studio wing." No one said anything in response, and the rest of  the males lowered 
their ears in worry, while Sweetie just lowered her head. Then, they all padded/flew 
down  the hall to find their friend, whom they knew needed help.


	In the cafeteria, meanwhile, Montana Max was reflecting on what Mary had  just 
said. So, he's guilty of stalking that jaguar? Perhaps, but hunting  isn't hunting without 
stalking. And the only way he'd get Mary off his back was to stalk while *appearing* to  
not be doing so. But how could he stalk his prey without anyone knowing it?  He couldn't 
use electronic devises because Calamity had now switched his allegiance from him to the  
panther, and thus would do anything to counteract any electronic  surveillance. He 
needed another ally now— 
	—and he saw him about to leave the cafeteria. Quickly, he stood, and walked  
briskly to catch up with him, just as he crossed the main doors. Walking  side by side, he 
asked, without looking at him, "So, you hate that new student, the jaguar?" 
	Plucky replied, also not turning, but with slightly ruffled feathers and an  arching 
neck, "Yes. He made a mess of Shirley this morning. He's nothing but  a troublemaker. 
But how can we get rid of him if Mary is bringing the teachers to his side?" 
	"Duck, I think I know how. It will require patience from both of us, and  perhaps 
the help of a few more friends of mine. Right now, only you can help  provide the info I 
need. Do you wanna help me?" 
	 Plucky replied reflexively, "And what's in it for me?" 
	Montana smiled, "The satisfaction of having got rid of a troublemaker, not  to 
mention revenge on what he did to Shirley." 
	Plucky smiled, relaxed his feathers and neck, and put one wing around the  
human, "Well, explain away, my good friend! I'm glad someone here finally  agrees with 
me concerning that predator!!" The two new allies walked/waddled down the hall, away 
from  anyone who even cared to listen to them.


	At the news studio, the "bit players" were disappointed to find Mary gone. 
	"Do you know where she is, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer to the news director,  who 
for some reason happened to be his own mentor, Sniffles. 
	The mouse in question padded to his office as he replied, "No. She taped  that 
news report an hour ago, and left rather suddenly." The "bit players"  stopped in their 
tracks. So much for finding help here. 
	"Wait," signed Beeper. "Calamity, you and the Chilango have a better sense  of 
smell than the rest of us. Can you track her?" 
	The coyote and the jaguar looked at each other, and the jaguar replied,  "Well, he 
has a better nose than I do, but I'll help in any way I can." 
	The "bit players" padded/flew back to the news set, and there the  carnivores knelt 
and sniffed the floor around the news desk carefully. As  was expected, Calamity was the 
first to straighten up, including his ears, and sign, "I found her scent. She went  this way!" 
and the sign pointed to the hall. The rest followed the  carnivores, and once they were out 
in the hall, Calamity turned left and headed for a stairwell. Down, down, down they ran,  
until they reached the basement levels. There, they followed the coyote and  the jaguar 
down cavernous and dark hallways, until they stopped and straightened up. Turning to 
the rest,  Calamity signed, "Looks like she went to the film vault." 
	"Film vault?" asked the panther, wondering why everything looked like a  cave 
now, and lowering his ears defensively. 
	"Jess," replied Lightning. "Dees ess wherr all de old cartoons are kept.  Eet ees 
straight ahedd." 
	They were about to continue, but their path was suddenly blocked by a short  
figure clothed in a dark and hooded cloak. "It is indeed," he said, with a  deep and creepy 
voice. "You'll find her in Viewing Room Four." 
	The "bit players" looked at each other for a moment, and continued on their  way. 
As they did, The J.A.M. looked back for a moment and asked, "Who was  that?" 
	"Bosko The Vault Keeper," replied Sweetie. "Don't worry, J.A.M., he's  
harmless." 
	The jaguar shrugged and decided to ignore this incident. Soon, he and the  rest 
saw long steel racks filled with round steel film canisters, all  apparently arranged in 
chronological order. Slightly ahead of the racks were the viewing rooms. There was little  
light, but since practically all of them had night vision, they had no  problem finding 
Room Four. Just as they approached it, they stopped. 
	Their sharp hearing enabled them to hear soft sobbing coming from inside  the 
room. The mammals lowered their ears again, and the avians lowered their  necks. 
	Quietly, Beeper opened the door, and they all slowly padded/flew inside.  There 
was no light, but their night vision enabled them to see a pile of  canisters next to the 
projector, and a white bow shaking in the second row, which was also where the sobbing 
was  coming from. Carefully again, the "bit players" approached their friend from  both 
sides. 
	"Mary?" asked Sweetie. 
	Suddenly looking up and glancing around her, Mary sobbed, "How the bleep  did 
you all find me here??!!" 
	"We're furry toons, Miss Melody," replied The J.A.M. "We followed your  scent, 
and heard you crying here." 
	The humanmaid sighed in frustration once more, "Figures. With all of your  in-
born talents, I could hide in the stomach of a whale and you'd STILL be  able to find 
me!" She then turned to her friends and added, "Reverse the roles, and I'd never be able  
to find you. Not only am I not funny, I don't have super sight or smell or  hearing like you 
guys!!" 
	"Is that why you're here?" asked Sweetie. Mary just sunk back in her seat.  
Calamity raised a sign, but Mary didn't bother looking up. Suddenly  realising why, he 
slapped his own face. 
	Sneezer spoke up, "Uh, Mary, Calamity wants to know if you're here because  of 
what happened with Shirley this morning, and he wants to apologise for  forgetting that 
you don't have night vision and couldn't read what he tried to say to you." 
	Mary looked up, but didn't try finding the coyote, "It's okay, Calamity.  I'm glad 
that you can forget that I'm human. And yes, this has to do with  what Shirley tried to do, 
AND with what Fifi did. J.A.M., how do you keep Shirley from reading your mind?" 
	"Huh?" 
	"Yeah. She tried to read your mind, but she couldn't. That's why she got  really 
angry and scared at you." 
	The panther replied simply, "I didn't know minds could be read. Is that  what you 
meant on your news report? Shirley reads minds as if she were  reading books?" 
	"Practically. She made me so angry when she tried to walk all over you, the  same 
way she's done that to all of us. I don't know how you do it, J.A.M.,  but—" she stopped 
to sniff and wipe some tears off her face, "—I'm glad someone FINALLY put a stop to  
what she did, well, with you, at least." 
	"I never knew she was trying to do that, and I didn't know there was a way  to 
stop her from doing that. Well, actually—" the jaguar thought for a  moment, and then 
continued, "—I think I know just how it's happening, but it's kind of a long story." 
	She turned to him and said, "Hey, I've got nothing better to do. Let's hear  it." 
	"No!" yelled Sneezer. "You're supposed to be in class!! Why weren't you in  
Platonic Partners today, huh-huh?" 
	Mary wept some more before replying, "I—I was too angry with Shirley to be  in 
the same room with her. Fifi burned me up as well, treating you as if you  were at her 
beck and call. *And* I was angry with the rest of the 'stars' as well! Calamity, you saw  
how Buster treated you. I don't know how you were able to stand him." The  coyote didn't 
reply, and when Mary realised that no one was reading any sign, she continued, "See? 
You  even have a better recovery than I do!! I'm the worst of the 'bit players'!!  I might as 
well be an EXTRA!!" 
	"NO!!" roared the panther, fur bristling and turning red, while placing a  paw on 
her right shoulder. "You have plenty of talent!! It's the others'  fault for not giving you a 
chance to show it!!" 
	"That's easy for you to say," she replied, looking to where she thought his  eyes 
were. "You're a natural!! You waltz in here, get paired up with  Calamity, and you make 
everyone laugh. **I** can't do that!! **I** don't have that talent!! I can't relate  to ANY 
of you, and I can't even relate to Monty, Elmyra, or ANY of the human  teachers!!! **I 
DON'T HAVE ANY BLEEPING MENTOR**!!! And do you have any idea what is the 
only type of  material I can relate to around here???!!!" Angrily, she stood, shoved her  
way out of the row, stumbled back to the projector, grabbed some canisters, and yelled, 
"THIS!!!  THIS IS WHAT I FOUND!! Every classic WB short that has black people in it  
either has annoying stereotypes, prejudiced themes, or is downright RACIST!!" She 
blindly threw  the canisters across the room, making everyone duck and tuck their tails in,  
and lower their ears where applicable. "RACIST!! **RACIST CARTOONS**!!" With 
adrenaline-powered  strength, she shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and 
sending  the projector crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony. The others were 
now approaching her again,  determined to try to calm her down. "How the bleep am I 
supposed to be funny  if I have no mentor or role model from the past??!! Do you know 
the REAL reason why I was cast with Tiny  Toons Adventures??!! I was put here to keep 
all the civil rights groups  quiet!! With me as the required minority, everyone else could 
do whatever they wanted without any civil  rights groups bothering them about 
minorities!!! I'M HERE TO KEEP EVERYTHING  POLITICALLY CORRECT!!! 
THAT'S WHY LIGHTNING COULDN'T BE ON THE AIR, OTHERWISE THE  
HISPANIC COMMUNITY WOULD HAVE SUED THE BLEEP OFF THE WB!! I'M 
JUST A FACE IN THE CROWD!!! I HATE THIS SCHOOL!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!  
I—HATE———MY—————self——" Having spent all her strength, the humanmaid 
collapsed on the floor next to the canisters, and cried like never before.  What she said 
next was nearly inaudible to a human, but the others heard her  quite clearly, "I———
hate——— —everything——————I just————want———to———————
die——————to  be————————————erased————————————
———I'm———— ————————a waste——————of ink————————
and paint—————" Silently, quietly, her  friends gathered around and sat beside her, 
with the jaguar and the coyote flanking her. In solidarity, they all put their arms/wings 
around  her. 
	No one could say anything. 
	No one knew what to say. 
	A long time later, she continued sobbing, "But you know what really burns  me 
up?" She looked up, "In the Halloween special, **I** was supposed to be  Doctor 
Frankenstein. But no. They rewrote the whole thing and gave the episode to Elmyra, and 
even  named it 'Frankenmyra'. As if she needed more work, with her new show and  all!! 
And what's more, they even did a spoof of 'Saturday Night Live', including its news show 
parody,  but did they call me?" She buried her face in her arms and sobbed, "…no…!" 
	Another long time later, Sweetie, on her shoulder, said, "Don't say you're  the only 
minority around here. You know that the WB sneaked around the  Hispanic community 
by putting two incognito Mexicans as semi-regulars. With Calamity and Beeper being  
Mexican *without* acting Mexican, no one even noticed their minority  status." 
	The J.A.M. then took a chance and asked, "Miss Melody, are you *sure* you  
were put here to keep the civil rights groups quiet? If that were true,  wouldn't there also 
have to be Asian toons around here?" 
	She suddenly looked up at him and stated, "J.A.M., this is not an Animé  show." 
Everyone looked at her for a moment, and ten seconds later, they  chuckled, relaxing their 
features and breaking the sombre mood, finally. 
	"See? Who says you can't be funny?" asked the jaguar. "You just made a joke  all 
by yourself in the middle of something bad! You're not worthless at  all!!" 
	She sniffed again and said, 
	"Thanks. I just wish I could do that more often." 
	"Maybe you can. By the way, define 'Animé'?" Everyone looked at the jaguar  for 
a minute, and laughed again. 
	Mary explained, "'Animé' is the general term for Japanese cartoons." 
	"Oh. Well, back to your problem. Miss Melody, if you can't find anything  you 
can relate to, why don't you try doing stuff on your own? You know, go  solo for a 
while." 
	The sombre mood returned, along with downed ears and tails, and a moment  
later, Mary replied, "I won't say that I haven't given that some thought,  J.A.M. In fact, 
*all* of us have. Furrball went ahead and decided to try it. 
	"And?" 
	"And with an established mentor and plenty of material, he's now homeless."  At 
this, the jaguar could only lower his ears and turn his head away in  sadness. 
	"Sorry I asked." 
	"Don't be. When we saw what happened to Furrball, the rest of us decided  not to 
take such a risk. We're kinda stuck, then. Man, I feel so out of  place. And *now* you 
know why I wish I could transfer." 
	The J.A.M. sighed. "True. And I also know how you feel about dealing with  
prejudice. You saw yesterday how I was singled out just because I was a  predator—wait 
a minute. Mister Coyote, how come *you're* never singled out for being a predator?  
Or—um—Mademoiselle LaFume, for that matter?" Inwardly, the panther was proud  of 
finally remembering a name. 
	Calamity signed his response. The J.A.M. could read it without any help,  but 
Lightning read for Mary, "I'm a geenioos, dat's why I don't get seengled  out. And Feefee 
ees the flerrt, so evereeone forgets she's a predatorr." 
	"Well, that makes sense," said the felid. 
	Lightning continued reading, "Evereeone here has tought off being eerased.  But 
Mery, joo're de last one I'd want to see eerased. And no one here hates  joo." 
	Mary smiled again, just a trifle. "Thanks, Cal. I really needed to hear  that. And 
I'm sorry for what I said to you all." 
	The J.A.M. added, "We forgive you, Miss Melody. And I see now why everyone  
of you is so frustrated." He then leaned closer to her, "But Miss Melody,  you just saw 
that you can be funny, *without* a partner. Maybe it's the different place you're in  right 
now. Perhaps a change of scenery can help you. If you want, you—and  the rest of you—
can come study at my house tonight." Everyone looked at the panther, or tried to, and the  
males raised their ears. 
	"Your house?" asked Sweetie. "Are you sure?" Mary couldn't believe it, for  some 
unknown reason. 
	"Yes. It's more or less fixed up now. I just need to sweep a few places." 
	The humanmaid smiled weakly. Perhaps this could be a good change. "Okay,  but 
we need to keep Monty from following us." 
	"We'll go together," suggested Sneezer. "And keep an eye out on Monty." 
	"Yeah!" chirped the canarymaid, "I can make sure his limo isn't following  us!" 
	Relieved, finally, of her built-up frustration and anger, Mary stood, and a  few 
canisters clattered in the process. She suddenly looked down and stated,  "Oh dear, I 
guess we need to clean up this mess I made." 
	"That won't be necessary, Mary." Everyone turned and saw The Vault Keeper  
standing at the door, with a faint light eerily shining behind him. "I  understand why you 
made the mess. You and your friends are free to go. I'll clean up here. It will be  good for 
me to finally do something different for a change down here." 
	Mary could only smile wider, and she wiped more tears off her cheeks.  "Thanks, 
Bosko. You're a great pal." With that, the "bit players" left the  Film Vault, all keeping 
close to their great friend, Mary Melody.


	By the time they returned to the main floor, the final bell rang. 
	"Well, I guess we go to my house right now," said the jaguar, and they all  
walked/padded/flew to their lockers, where Mary retrieved her roller blades.  Once 
outside, they went to they bike rack, where they waited for Mary to put on her black 
roller  blades. 
	No sooner had she done that when she suddenly skated to the front steps,  
intercepting someone. "Monty, don't you dare follow The J.A.M.!" she warned  him to 
his face. 
	Stepping back, he raised his hands innocently. "Hey!! After the way he  
threatened me in the forest, there's no way I'm going to follow him there!  And that news 
report of yours was a dirty trick, Mary!" 
	"It was the truth," she replied, as-a-matter-of-factly. "So you know that  *others* 
will keep an eye on you, if you try anything else." 
	The human just smirked at her, and replied, "I wouldn't want to waste any  more 
energy on you losers! I'm going home!" Walking briskly around her, he  reached the edge 
of the sidewalk, where his limousine suddenly zoomed to a stop. He stepped inside,  and 
the limousine sped off. 
	"Follow him, Sweetie," said Sneezer, with angry ears and tail. "Then meet  us at 
the path that leads to the forest!" 
	"Right, hun!" She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and flew away. 
	As they did, the jaguar mounted his bicycle and said, "Okay, now, Calamity  can 
ride on the foot-paw rests behind me. Beeper can follow at a slow trot,  and the mice can 
ride in the front basket. Miss Melody, it's about one kilometre from here to the forest,  
and once we get there you'll have to take off your skates." 
	"Hey, no problem," she replied, putting on her backpack. "We'll figure out  what 
to do when we get there. Let's go!" She skated down the parking lot  toward the exit. 
Calamity and the mice climbed on the bicycle as was arranged. With a slight grunt, The  
J.A.M. pedalled off, following her friend, glad that Montana Max would not  dare follow 
him to his house again. And he didn't. Instead, high above the streets, unnoticed by 
Sweetie,  a green duck was flying in circles, taking note of the route that the jaguar  took 
before he entered the forest…

 SEIS  -  SEARCHES AND SETUPS

 
	Mary finished putting on her shoes, and stood up. Looking ahead, she saw  where 
the dirt path led from the last paved street, across a grassy area,  and to where Acme 
Forest began, which was where she and the rest were standing. Then she looked up and 
saw  Sweetie flying toward her and her friends. Landing next to Sneezer, who was  still 
on the bicycle's basket, she said, "Monty went straight home. It looks like he learned his 
lesson." 
	The rest smiled at the news, and The J.A.M. said, "Okay, looks like we're  ready 
to go." 
	"Your house is not far from here, is it?" asked Mary. 
	The jaguar thought for a moment and replied, "Pedalling, it isn't, but  since we all 
have to walk now, it might seem farther than usual. Then again,  you're a human, so it 
might seem farther to you than to Calamity, Beeper, or me." 
	"Hey, don't worry about me, J.A.M. Skating has its advantages, you know.  I'll be 
okay." She smiled at him, and he smiled back. 
	"Very well. ¡Síganme los buenos!" With that, he grabbed his bicycle by the  
handlebars, and padded into the forest. 
	Mary, Sneezer, and Sweetie looked at the other Mexicans in confusion, until  
Beeper translated, "'Good guys, follow me'." 
	Satisfied, Mary and the rest followed him, except for the canarymaid and  mice, 
who were still on the basket. As they walked/padded their way to his  house, Mary 
noticed that her friend led them through grass-covered areas, and pebble-covered areas as  
well, avoiding bare dirt wherever possible. Looking behind her for a moment,  she saw 
practically no foot or paw prints or tire-tracks left behind. Deeper and deeper they went, 
and  after a while, she began getting just a trifle nervous. As a city girl, she  didn't venture 
into the forest very often, and this was the deepest she had ever gone *and* in an area she 
wasn't  familiar with. She tried to keep her bearings with the sun and shadows and  tried 
to establish reference points, but the trail became too confusing and monotonous after a 
while. She doubted  Montana would be able to find The J.A.M.'s house, even with 
bloodhounds or  infrared sensors. And even if he did, it would just be him and the jaguar 
on the jaguar's turf, so Montana  would have a terrible disadvantage, even if he had an 
arsenal of weapons  with him. 
	She felt relieved that she sent her friend the message in time, instead of  following 
Shirley's advice to leave the two alone. Checking her watch, she  saw that they had 
walked for thirty minutes now in an interminable maze of trees, bushes, boulders,  
rivulets, and other forestry features. Walking still more and more, she  deduced that her 
friend would need to wake up pretty early in the morning in order to get to the 
Looniversity in time— 
	Then she realised that none of them were actually riding on the bicycle.  
Pedalling, the trail wouldn't take so long to take— 
	*She* was slowing them down! If she had not come along, everyone would  still 
be on the bicycle, with Beeper following and Sweetie flying next to  them! But because 
she came along, everyone had to slow down to HER pace!! But then again, The J.A.M.  
*invited* her to come, and she *did* accept. Sure it was nice for him and  the rest to be 
considerate of her "humanity" and let her very much set the pace of the hike, but once 
again,  she felt left out, and almost *margined*, because she wasn't a furry. Sure,  her 
time skating and playing basketball had given her a good physical condition to walk this 
trail  without much effort, but it was her *speed* that gave her the disadvantage.  She 
sighed and looked down a trifle, not bothering to try to memorise the trail anymore. 
	"Mary, where are you going, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer. She suddenly stopped  
and looked up. Everyone else had stopped, and she was about five metres away  from 
them. 
	"Um, sorry," she replied. "I didn't notice you guys stopping. Are you  getting 
tired?" she asked, hoping to tease them somehow. 
	"No. We're here," replied the jaguar, not noticing her attempt to tease. In  fact, no 
one else noticed, either. 
	Disappointed, Mary walked over to them. "Here?" she asked. They were next  to 
an oak tree that looked like all the others, to her, at least. She was  surprised to see the 
panther move a piece of bark aside from the trunk, as if he were opening a miniature  
door. He then took a key from his leather pouch, inserted it in the hidden  keyhole, and 
opened the "door" to his house. Mary was more than stunned at this. The door was 
perfectly  camouflaged in the tree trunk, and since it wasn't rectangular, but  irregularly 
shaped, the cracks blended in the bark perfectly. Also, it opened inwardly so as not to 
sweep aside any grass,  pebbles, or dirt outside. The felid pushed his bicycle inside, and 
the rest  followed him. The inside of tree was spacious, some four square metres, but not 
quite big enough to serve as a  home. The J.A.M. leaned the bicycle against the inner 
wood, and the mice  climbed down. Instinctively, he locked the rear wheel to the frame. 
	"This is your house?" signed Beeper, looking around. 
	"Oh, no, this is just the entry and garage," he replied, closing and  locking the 
front door, and turning on a hidden light switch. "The rest of  the house is over here." He 
padded across the tree, and opened another hidden door. It was completely dark inside,  
until he turned on another light switch. 
	There, Mary saw that the tree now gave way to a cave that wasn't visible  from the 
outside. This reminded her of Buster's and Babs' burrows, even  though those rabbits 
never bothered to invite her, or the "bit players", to their homes. 
	As they all walked/padded/flew into the cave, Lightning asked, "How do joo  get 
joor mail here?" 
	"I don't. I have a PO box downtown. I check every day just before school." 
	Mary looked around. The second door led to a spacious area surrounded by  stone, 
not dirt. There was a small blue sofa, and behind it was a large  round table with several 
white chairs around it. A few shelves on the stone wall were filled with books in  English 
and Spanish, and some pictures hung on the wall, featuring more  jaguars and other Latin 
American animal species, obviously The J.A.M.'s family and friends from Mexico.  
Beyond the living room and dining room there were two open doorways, the  left one led 
to a dark hallway, and the right one to the kitchen. This she verified by looking inside and 
seeing  a small refrigerator, a small electric stove, some cupboards on the wall,  and a 
microwave oven on top of the counter opposite of the sink. The hallway, she guessed, 
must lead to the  bathroom and bedroom. Looking down, she could tell that the stone 
floor was  freshly mopped, apparently done hastily to make the home more presentable to 
Mary and the "bit players".  Also, she couldn't help but notice a prominent smell all over 
the cave. It  wasn't offensive, like Fifi's, but it reminded her of tree sap, dust, and 
Furrball— 
	She guessed that it was The J.A.M.'s own personal scent, now made more  
obvious to her less sensitive olfactory bulb because this was an enclosed  space— 
	"Hungry?" 
	Suddenly whirling around, she saw the jaguar poke his head into the  kitchen, 
where she suddenly saw herself in. "Help yourself. I just  restocked," he added, going 
back to the living room. 
	Recovering from her momentary fright, she opened the refrigerator, and  found 
lots of fresh meat, yoghurt, and an assortment of fruits. Apparently,  either he had a taste 
for simple things, or this was just how jaguars ate. Opening a cupboard, she saw cereal  
boxes and plenty of bags of assorted M&M's. "Looks like he's very fond of  this," she 
said to herself. 
	She returned to the living room to hear Sweetie ask, "J.A.M., don't you  have a 
TV or stereo?" 
	"Yes, but they're in the bedroom. I don't want to make too much noise with  those 
things out here, otherwise someone might hear them outside." 
	"And how did you get your utilities here?" asked Mary. "I didn't see any  poles 
outside." 
	"Ah, that is the wonder of technology now," he replied, sitting down at the  table. 
"All my utilities were installed underground. It's amazing what  rabbits and moles can do 
these days. I don't have cable yet; that's a bit difficult to get in this area, so  right now the 
TV and radio antenna is hidden in the tree. I get good  reception, though. Maybe I should 
get a satellite dish…" He trailed off as he stood up again and padded to the  kitchen. 
"Anyone for frozen yoghurt and M&M's?" he asked before going in. 
	"Yeah!" replied the mice and canarymaid, while Mary and the rest just  nodded.


	Later, the toons were seated around the table, with a huge bowl of assorted  
M&M's in the middle, currently being assaulted by the mice, canarymaid,  roadrunner, 
and jaguar, and bowls of frozen yoghurt in each place. Books were once again spread all  
around. 
	"You seem to have all the basics down," said the jaguar to the humanmaid.  "All 
you need is practice time." 
	"But that brings us back to square one: with who? Right now the only work  of 
mine anyone has seen is the written assignments we get." 
	"Written? Then you should be good at word play and such," he commented. 
	"Yeah, right," she scoffed. "I got a 'D' in word play! That's why I need  help in 
writing wacky newscasts! I just can't do it myself!" 
	"But *have* you seen other wacky newscasts, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer. 
	"Yes, but what does that have to do with this? Sure they're hilarious, but  I just 
can't seem to assimilate that material!" 
	"Have you tried seeing classic comedy?" signed Calamity. "You know, Charles  
Chaplin, Buster Keaton, the early days of Laurel and Hardy?" 
	"Classic comedy is something more fit for you, Cal," she replied. "It's  very 
physical, and I wouldn't be able to use my voice at all!" 
	An eyebrow was raised above an orange eye. *Voice*? "Miss Melody, you  
*like* using your voice?" 
	"Well, of course! It's part of who we are as toons, except for Calamity and  
Beeper here." 
	The jaguar tapped his extended claw on the table for a moment, and asked,  "Miss 
Melody, perhaps this is a long shot, but do you like to sing?" 
	The humanmaid blinked at this question, and stuttered,  "Um—well—uh—yeah—
kinda—" 
	"You should hear her in the shower," quipped Sweetie, with an evil grin. 
	"HEY!" 
	Lightning snickered, "Ha ha!! Joo mean leesten while *I* shower or leesten  
while SHE showers?" All the males, laughed, except for one: 
	"Well, thanks for the mental image, *menzo*!!" growled the jaguar, lowering  his 
ears and slapping Lightning's cap off his head. 
	Mary deduced that the last word was a Spanish insult, apparently a mild one  
since her friend didn't censor himself. "Thanks, J.A.M., though I don't know  if I should 
feel happy or insulted by what you just did." 
	Her friend looked at her for a moment. Even with his feline vision, it was  
difficult to tell if she was blushing or not, but it was obvious that *he*  was. 
	"Oh, you should most definitely feel happy about that, yes, oh please,  happy, 
please—!" 
	"AHEM," she said, frowning slightly, but still smiling. Her friend's ears  returned 
to their normal position. "As Sweetie so crudely put it, yes, I  like to sing, but you can't be 
funny by just singing, you know." 
	"Oh?" asked Sneezer. "What about that bit that Wakko asked you to—" 
	"SHHHHH!!!!" she hissed at the mouse. 
	This wasn't something the jaguar was going to pass by, of course. "What  'bit'?" he 
asked. 
	Certain that her friends were going to spill her secret, Mary just covered  her face 
with her hands and slumped her head on the table. 
	Beeper signed, "Wakko asked Mary if she could sing a parody of the 'Circle  of 
Life', from 'The Lion King', in their show, 'Animaniacs'. I'm sure you've  heard of it?" 
	The panther replied, "I think I've seen it, yes." 
	"Well, I guess that just before that, Sweetie heard Mary singing and  recorded her 
somehow, and sent the tape to Wakko, since she knew he and his  brothers were looking 
for a new voice for their parody. Wakko asked Mary to sing it, and she did. 'The  
Surprises In Life' was the theme song for 'The Tiger Prince'." 
	Slowly, the jaguar turned to the embarrassed humanmaid. "That was *you*?"  
Mary raised her head a trifle and looked at him with one eye. Slowly, she  nodded. "Miss 
Melody, that was a hilarious song!" 
	"Yeah, RIGHT!" she suddenly shot back, sitting up. "How many actually paid  
attention to the song *the first time*??" She looked at the sign that Beeper  had shown 
The J.A.M., and explained, "Beeper, I'd hardly call that a 'theme song'. It was more  like a 
'score'. And you all know that a score is really just to provide the  background!" 
	"Now, Miss Melody, we may be on to something here," pondered The J.A.M.  
"Did you enjoy singing it?" 
	"Well, yes." 
	"Did you think it was funny?" 
	"Um, yes." 
	"Well, there you have it then! There are tons of music with hilarious  lyrics in 
Mexico, so I don't see why that can't happen here as well!" 
	"Bott J.A.M., joo know mosst of de fonny music ees *folklórica*! Eet  woodn't 
make sense een Eengleesh!" 
	He turned to the Latin mouse, "You have a point there, Mister Rodriguez.  
Folklore is almost impossible to translate, but it's not impossible to put  to music. The 
Animaniacs do that all the time, so I don't see why you can't do that for Tiny Toons, Miss  
Melody." 
	"And you will admit, Mary," added Sweetie, "they didn't choose Babs,  Shirley, 
Fifi, Elmyra, or *me*, for that matter. You beat us all there!!" 
	The humanmaid raised her hands in order to stop this nonsense flattery,  "Well, 
sure, but we're *still* brought back to square one! *I* didn't write  that song! And I 
*can't* write funny lyrics like that, much less wacky newscasts! I don't know what I 
would  have done if Wakko had asked me to *write* the parody song!" 
	The J.A.M. sat up at this. "Miss Melody?" 
	"Yes?" 
	"What *would* you have done?" 
	"Huh?" 
	"Yeah. What *would* you have done if Wakko had come up to you and said,  
'Miss Melody, we've seen your written work. You've heard the 'Circle of  Life', so could 
you please do a parody for us?' What would you have done then?" 
	Mary looked into his orange eyes, lost for an answer. "J-J.A.M., that  didn't 
happen. Neither Wakko nor Yakko nor Dot would have ever come up to me  and ask me 
that. The only ones who've seen my written work are the teachers!" 
	"You don't know that," signed the coyote. 
	She was losing this battle. All her arguments were being destroyed, leaving  her 
no place to stand on. "M-maybe. But still, I would have told him  that—that—I—er—
couldn't—" 
	"Why?" asked the panther. "Didn't you say that your biggest dream was to be  
funny? Why would you have told Wakko that, even if he had served you your  greatest 
opportunity on a silver platter?" 
	Mary was getting confused as her excuses ran out. "I—I guess it's  because—
because I simply wouldn't know where to begin! I have never done  anything like that! 
I—I—just couldn't!" 
	"You wouldn't have tried?" asked The J.A.M. 
	"I—I—wouldn't—have been—*able*—" 
	"Miss Melody, *would* *you* *have* *tried*?" All the "bit players" looked  at 
her, but no one said anything. Finally, the jaguar continued, "Miss  Melody, you've 
complained of how no one ever gave you a chance to do anything funny. Here would 
have been  a great opportunity to try, and now you say that you wouldn't have tried.  How 
do you *really* know you can't if you haven't tried it?" 
	She countered, "But that's just it, J.A.M., I *haven't* tried because *no  one* has 
asked me to! Sure, I can sing, but I can't play any musical  instrument! The 'stars' can, so 
maybe *that's* why they get more air time!" 
	"Not quite," said Sweetie. "I play the flute, and Furrball plays the  violin. You 
know that. And they *still* don't want us to hang around them." 
	The jaguar stood up at this. "So, if the 'stars' won't give any of us the  time of day, 
that means that we have plenty of time to work on our own  material." He padded to a 
shelf, and pulled out two very thick books. 
	"What's that, huh-huh?" asked the American mouse. 
	"These—" [KATHUMP!!] "—are to help us in word play and other comedy  
styles." 
	Mary looked at the dictionary and thesaurus that were dumped on the table  while 
Calamity signed, "There is also a web site and a CD that can help with  rhymes. There 
really isn't any reason why you can't write your own material, Mary. All you have to do  
is try." 
	"And it doesn't even have to deal with music," added the jaguar. "Miss  Melody, 
what is the basic definition of 'comedy'?" 
	Mary sat up again and replied mechanically, "Comedy is the art of bringing  out 
humour, laughter, and absurdity. J.A.M., that's the first thing we  learned when we got to 
the Looniversity." 
	"Okay, then, you have a topic: everyday news. Can you find absurdity in  today's 
broadcast?" 
	Mary looked down at the books for a moment, and replied, "I—I don't know.  I've 
never tried it." 
	"Well, you can try now, then!" replied Sweetie. 
	"But—but—I don't know where to begin!! I appreciate what all you guys are  
trying to do to help me, but right now I have this HUGE block! I really  can't think of 
anything right now!" 
	"Is it because you're still angry?" asked the panther. 
	Mary looked up at him again, and slowly turned to look at the others. She  leaned 
back on her chair and whispered, "Yes. I can't even deal with anger  like you guys do. But 
I just can't help feel mad at Fifi and Shirley for what they did! Not to  mention————" 
she looked down and whispered even more quietly, "—————myself." 
	"Yourself?" signed Beeper. 
	"You heard me in the Film Vault. As a human, I don't have any natural  abilities 
like you guys do, and I'm not as strong or agile as you are. If I  hadn't come along today, 
you would have got here much earlier! I wish I could be a furry toon, like you guys!" 
	"But you're a human, for a reason," countered The J.A.M. "You don't have to  
worry about shedding, drying your fur, or predator-prey instincts." 
	"Not to mention fighting the urge to go to the bathroom every time you walk  
beside a tree or fire hydrant," signed Calamity, making everyone laugh  again. 
	The jaguar added, "There are also spiritual issues that pertain exclusively  to 
humans, you know. And we may be stronger, but you know that humans are  more 
energy efficient than furries. Humans don't get tired as easily as furries do. Most of us 
can beat  you at the hundred meter dash, but you'd probably beat us all paws down in a  
triathlon." 
	She raised her hands again, trying to regain control, "Okay, you have a  point. But 
how do we deal with Shirley and Fifi? How can I stop being angry  at them?" 
	He thought for a moment, and replied, "Well, she knows she can't read my  mind 
anymore, so I'll just do as she asks and stay out of her way—" 
	"NO!" yelled the humanmaid, making the mammals lower their ears, and the  
avians lower their necks. "She doesn't have the right to push anyone back  like that!" 
	"But Miss Melody, you already told her off! She'll probably just as well  stay 
away from me!" 
	"But don't you get it? She's one of the 'stars', and the way she treated  you, she'll 
probably start placing everyone against you!" 
	"She cood do that, J.A.M.," added Lightning. "Plocky and Sheerley don't  like joo 
now, so dey cood work toogedder to do dat." 
	"Or, by doing that, everyone could turn against *them*," countered Sweetie.  "If 
no one likes Plucky, and everyone knows that Shirley tried to force  herself into 
someone's mind, they could be branded as villains now." 
	 The jaguar summarised, "None of us can stop Miss Loon from starting a  
'campaign' against me, Miss Melody. What matters now is that I've *never*  done 
anything wrong against her, and she *knows* that, as well as the rest of the school. What 
you said  today on the air is likely to make everyone see the truth. Miss Melody, what  
she does is *her* choice, and if she doesn't like me or even if she *hates* me for no 
reason, there's nothing  I can do to retaliate." He then looked aside and reflected, "I guess 
it's  just part of the package." 
	"Package?" asked Sneezer. "What package?" 
	The panther suddenly hushed and lowered his ears again, almost as if he had  just 
revealed a very deep secret. Since he had already spilled the beans, he  had no choice but 
to continue. "Well, you asked earlier how I was able to stop her from reading  my mind?" 
	"Yes," replied Mary. 
	"Well, I don't actually do it. Someone very close to me does it." He  straightened 
his ears again, stood, padded to the shelf, and brought another  Book to the table. "This is 
the package I'm talking about," he said, showing them the title. The toons  recognised it 
and wondered what that Book had to do with mind shielding. The  panther sat down, 
opened the Book to a particular page, and read from a particular segment: 
	"Because I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not  comparable with 
the glory that will be revealed in us humans. For the  earnest expectation of creation waits 
for the manifestation of the sons of God. Because creation was made subject to  vanity, 
not willingly. But because of Him who has subjected creation in the  hope that creation 
itself will also be delivered from the slavery of corruption into the glorious liberty of the  
sons of God, we thus know that all of creation weeps and is in birth pains  together until 
now." 
	He put the Book down and explained to the confused toons, "Me and my family  
are Waiting Ones. Since we're not humans, we won't get all the glory that  humans will, 
but we do expect a glorious liberty." 
	Sweetie flew up to him and said, "That would explain these," she held his  gold 
Cross and Star of David. 
	"Yes," he replied. "We basically follow all the Creator's guidelines, even  though 
we won't get all the promises. We have some measure of physical  protection, but not as 
much as humans do against deliberate attacks, and even then, humans are not 100%  
exempt from them, at least not until the Manifestation. But apparently, one  of the 
promises of protection includes shielding from spiritual and mental probing like mind 
reading,  provided that we don't dabble in metaphysics, mysticism, and new age, and  that 
we only seek the Creator for spiritual guidance and information. That's why I doubt Miss 
Loon and I will  ever be more than acquaintances. Also, I doubt that she could read my 
mind  even if I let her, much less see my future." 
	"That explains a lot," sighed Mary. "We never knew Shirley could get so  
defensive when it came to her abilities." 
	"And now that she's met someone she couldn't walk all over, she freaked  out," 
signed Calamity. "It was scary, but it was time someone finally fought  back against them 
walking over us!" 
	"Well, Mister Coyote," replied the panther, "I wouldn't call that 'fighting  back', 
since I didn't actually do anything. She merely activated the defence  system which was 
promised to us." 
	"But you will admit that you fought back against Fifi, didn't you,  Chilango?" 
asked Beeper. 
	"Only in self-defence. I'm not the vengeful type, you know. She attacked  first. 
That, and she triggered a rather sensitive reflex I have." The J.A.M.  turned to Mary again 
and said, "Speaking of whom, Miss Melody, you yourself told her that she has a  
problem, so you already dealt with her and what she did. Why are you still  angry at her?" 
	The humanmaid looked into his eyes and replied, "Well, I guess I'm still  angry 
because she didn't accept what I told her." 
	"Like Shirley?" asked Lightning. 
	"Uh, sure, something like that. And now that I really think about it, we  did kinda 
argue with her with just our opinions. J.A.M., I think it *is*  time someone shows her 
what she's doing." 
	"And it's time someone shows Shirley as well!" added Sneezer. "Maybe that  way 
the 'stars' will finally stop walking over us!" 
	"But even if we do, what good will it do to us if we're still not as funny  as they 
are?" asked Beeper. Everyone silenced at that question, and the  mammals lowered their 
ears again, except for Mary, who simply lowered her head, as Sweetie did. Not even the  
jaguar had an answer to that. 
	Five minutes later, it seemed as if a light shot through the humanmaid,  clearing 
her mind and soul from all confusion, as she suddenly realised what  was happening. 
Mary suddenly stood, "We don't know that. We don't know because we haven't tried! 
And our  excuse for not trying has been because no one has asked us to! Well, that  
excuse ends right here, right now!! The J.A.M. showed me that we've been saying that we 
'can't' without  even trying! Well, *I'm* not going to do that anymore! I may not know 
where  to begin, but there are seven of us here, and I'm sure that at least one of us knows 
where to start! Heck,  we probably have more talent here than the 'stars' do! We really 
should dig  deeper and see just what we can do! We all know that comedy comes from 
within, so it's time we dig and drill  to get it! It won't come to us otherwise. Sure Furrball 
failed, but that  doesn't mean we will too!" Everyone looked at her with shock and 
surprise. Perhaps, finally, the vicious cycle  had been broken, and Mary Melody was the 
one to finally break it. "We'll  also deal with Shirley and Fifi so we don't have any more 
blocks." 
	"Wait," said Sweetie. "We're going to study our brains out AND deal with  those 
two?" 
	Mary looked down at the canarymaid, and replied, "I can't guarantee we  will, but 
I can't guarantee we won't, either. We can try, Sweetie. There are  seven of us, and we 
have all weekend. The 'stars' and faculty may not give us the time of day, but who  says 
we need them to give it to us? We have watches and clocks of our own!  And if we don't 
have practice space at the Looniversity, we can find it elsewhere! We've been sitting on  
our butts for too long! And you saw what happened when we made an effort to  get the 
booth at Weenie Burgers because we all worked TOGETHER! Maybe THAT'S why 
Furrball failed! He  tried to do it by himself, and he failed. But if we stick together…" 
Here,  she just smiled, and said no more. All the "bit players" looked at each other, then 
they looked back  at Mary, and suddenly all flipped open their books, notebooks, 
dictionaries,  thesauruses, laptops, rhyme lists, and finally got to work.

 SIETE  -  PREPARATIONS AND CONFRONTATIONS

 
	Since Little Beeper was still somewhat hostile toward "Chilangos", the  jaguar 
refrained from suggesting that the group study at the roadrunner's  house. So, throughout 
the weekend, the "bit players" assembled in Mary's apartment, The J.A.M.'s lair, and  
Calamity's house. Sneezer's and Lightning's homes, were, of course, too  small for the 
rest to fit in. Long hours were spent finding rhymes, double meanings, absurdities in 
everyday life,  and seeing comedic work. Mary had exhausted all the search options from 
the  WB, so she took the panther's advice and searched in other sources, including 
comedy singers. She saw  parodies, and parodies of parodies, watching carefully how 
oversights and  hidden absurdities were found and magnified. Even so, she found it 
difficult to identify with any particular  comedy style, even if what she saw was hilarious. 
In fact, the comedy study  was much more difficult than the plans to confront the loon 
hen and skunkmaid. It *was* easier to make others  angry or sad than to make them 
laugh. But she, as an anchorwoman, had taken  the easy road too many times. When the 
next news report rolled her way, the Looniversity was in for  a surprise. No weekend time 
was wasted, then. The jaguar, however, had to  take a three-hour leave on Sunday 
morning for his church service, but that afternoon, everything was  ready. 
	At Weenie Burgers, a few "stars" were enjoying an afternoon meal. Buster  and 
Babs were in their usual booth, finally, drinking milkshakes. Buster,  however, was far 
from being comfortable, as was evidenced from his untouched milkshake, and his 
sagging  ears, which contrasted with Babs' perky ones. 
	"Still thinking about what happened with Shirley, Mary, and The J.A.M.?"  asked 
the pink doe, sitting in front of the blue buck. 
	He turned to her and replied, "Them, and all the rest. Babs, do you think  that 
we've been treating them like dirt?" 
	His girlfriend thought for a moment, and replied, "I don't know, Buster.  It's not as 
if we can step back and look at ourselves and see how we treat  them." 
	"Yeah. I always considered everyone our friend, except Monty and Elmyra,  and 
now suddenly Mary throws these accusations in our faces! And—and—this is  the first 
time I can't think of anything to fix this problem!" 
	"But *is* it a problem, Buster? Or was Mary overreacting?" 
	"Well, Shirley *did* get her angry." 
	"But Shirley didn't get Calamity, Sneezer, Lightning Rodriguez, or Sneezer  angry 
at us!" 
	Buster looked at the table for a moment, and looked up at her. "No. But I  think 
that they all had resentment against us in order for them to do what  they did. Maybe us 
encouraging Shirley to dig into The J.A.M.'s mind was the last straw for all of them." 
	"But he's a new student, *and* a predator! Shirley was only doing that to  protect 
us!" 
	Buster frowned, "Protect us from what? She had already said that she didn't  sense 
evil coming from him, even when he defended himself against Fifi, and  he *had* the 
right to defend himself. He *is* new and didn't know about Fifi!" 
	Babs remained silent for a while, trying to sort all this. "Have you talked  to Bugs 
about this?" she asked him after a moment. 
	He sighed. "I'm not sure what to tell him. Mary already told everyone what  
happened in that news report. I'm not sure what else I could tell Bugs, or  what the point 
of telling him would be." 
	"He would know *our* point of view, Buster! Right now he only has Mary's!" 
	He replied with frustration, "But that's just it! Mary gave her report  objectively, 
like a true news anchor. Perhaps—perhaps—" he lowered his  voice, "—we're doing 
wrong to her— and the rest—perhaps—Shirley did wrong." 
	This was a rare moment for Babs. Seeing her boyfriend considering admitting  
that he was wrong was a very rare event, however, something was annoying  her. "'We'?" 
she asked, undignified, fur bristling. 
	"Yes," he replied bluntly. "This deals with all of us—all the 'stars'."  Buster 
looked down, almost ashamed. 
	Babs, however, would have none of this. She flattened her ears against her  head 
and chattered, "Hey, if you want to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead.  But don't drag ME 
down into your pity party! If Mary or the others have a problem with me, then let them  
come to me and explain it, and then I'll see if we can work something out!  Now, if you'll 
excuse me, I need a carrot cake." With a huff, she stood, and padded to the counter. 
Buster  turned away and looked out the window, ignoring that remark, and wondering  
how something so serious could have escaped him. So, he didn't notice Calamity stand at 
the same time Babs  did, pull something out of his body pocket, follow Babs without her  
noticing, and accidentally trip on her heel. 
	"Ouch!" she exclaimed, turning to see him. "Calamity, watch where you're  
going!" 
	"Sorry," he signed. Buster didn't bother to turn and look at them, since he  still felt 
bad about what Calamity told him the other day. The coyote, thus,  put something back 
into his body pocket, and sat back down in the booth where all the "bit players"  were. 
	Two minutes later, Babs returned to her booth with her desired dessert. She  set it 
in front of Buster rather angrily, and hissed, "Now, are you going to  help me eat that, or 
are you going to let your money go to waste?" 
	"Huh?" he asked, turning to her. 
	"Yeah. You *are* treating me to lunch, are you not?" 
	Here, the buck raised his ears finally and smiled, "Of course, Babs. You  know 
I—" 
	"OO, LA LA!!! ZE EXOTIC SKUNK-'UNK!!" Before the lagomorphs could turn 
and  ask "what?" and see who Fifi's latest victim was, the skunkmaid pounced. 
	On *Babs*. 
	A full body hug had pinned the doe's arms to her sides, and she squirmed as  hard 
as she could to avoid the rain of kisses that fell on her face. The  stench from Fifi's 
wrapped tail was unbearable. 
	"Oh, mon long-eared loverr!" cooed Fifi. "Where 'ave vous been all mon  life?" 
	Fur bristled and ears flattened stiff against both rabbits' heads. Babs  turned to her 
and squealed with an obvious strain on her voice, "Fifi??!!  What the [CENSORED] do 
you think you're doing?????!!!!!" 
	"Ah am, 'ow vous say, makeeng opp, non?" 
	Buster was now on his foot-paws, trying to find a safe distance from the  stench 
while figuring out how to get Babs' free from the carnivore. "Fifi,  that's 'making out'! 
And why are you doing this? Babs isn't a skunk, OR a male, for that matter!" The doe  
twisted and turned, but the skunkmaid's embrace was locked on her. 
	"'E's a long-eared peenk skunk-'unk! And Ah LOVV 'eem!!" 
	This was getting too weird for the rabbits. Buster wasn't sure what to  think of Fifi 
or why she suddenly changed her gender preferences— 
	—until, with all the twisting and squirming Babs was doing, she turned a  trifle. 
	"Babs, you have a white stripe down your back!!" he exclaimed, pointing at  her. 
	"WHAAA??" she gasped. "HOW DID THAT GET THERE???!!! FIFI, GET OFF  
MMMMMMMMMMMM——!!!!!!" By now, all the patrons were standing, watching 
the  scene unfold, and practically everyone gasped and gagged when they saw Fifi plant  
her lips on Babs'. A few even rushed to the bathroom to empty their stomach  contents. 
The kiss sent Babs' panic into overdrive, allowing her to pull free from the vice-like 
embrace,  jump up, run in place in mid-air, give Fifi several kicks in the face in the  
process, and blast out of the restaurant through the window, leaving a thick dust trail 
behind her. The  kicks sent the skunkmaid to the floor, hard, but that was not enough to  
deter her. 
	"Ah am followeeng vous, mon reason for pubertee!!" With the trademark  four-
legged skunk skip, she bounced on the table, through the Babs-shaped  hole on the 
window, and followed her new found love. Moments later, the rest of the glass shattered  
completely, leaving an empty frame and allowing the skunk musk to vent  outside. 
	Not knowing what else to do, Buster ran out the restaurant's new access as  well. 
"Don't worry, Babs! I'll help you!! Fifi!!! Stop!!!!!!" His screams  died out as the three 
put distance between them and Weenie Burgers. The patrons, of course, couldn't be more  
confused than the rabbits were. 
	"What was THAT all about?" asked Hamton. 
	Shirley, who was also there, suddenly stomped in front of Calamity, ruffled  her 
feathers, arched her neck, and hissed, "YOU!" she pointed her index  wing-digit at him. 
"Like, I *knew* I saw you put something on Babs' back, er sum junk!! I don't know  
why, like, I didn't sense any evil vibes coming from you, Calamity, but I DO  know 
you're, like, responsible!!" As she was accusing him, Mary and the rest of the "bit  
players" stood beside the coyote, except for the jaguar, who wasn't in the  restaurant. 
	Calamity didn't even lower his ears or tuck in his tail. He calmly held a  sign up 
that said, "You're right, Shirley. I faked tripping with Babs to  paint a white stripe on her 
back. She didn't notice because it was a very light spray, and warmed up to her body  
temperature so she wouldn't feel something cold on her back, as it usually  happens when 
WE get paint down our back!!" He flipped the sign around and continued, "But don't 
worry. It's  like invisible ink. It will disappear without a trace in about five minutes.  By 
then, Babs will have put a large distance between her and Fifi, and by the time she 
catches up with her, she  will have come to her senses." 
	As she read the explanation, the loon hen crackled with anger-generated  sparks. 
How could he be so cynical and explain all of this as if he were  explaining a science 
experiment? 
	"And, like, WHAT did you intend to prove with THAT, er sum junk??!!" she  
hissed. 
	Plucky was now at her side, also with ruffled feathers and arched neck,  ready to 
throw out the "usurpers". Shirley, meanwhile, noticed that  something was wrong. 
"Wait," she humphed. "Calamity, I've been able to sense bad vibes coming from you  
before. How come I can't do that now?" 
	The canine looked at her and replied, "Maybe because I'm not generating  any?" 
	The loon hen crackled with sparks again. "WHAT? You just did a horrible  thing, 
er sum junk!! What are you, like, doing to yourself to shield  yourself from my—!!!" If 
white feathers could get any whiter, they did so with Shirley, as she suddenly  paled. 
Even her hair and beak took weaker colours. Slowly, she took a step  back from him. 
	"Shirley, is something wrong?" he signed. 
	The avian stuttered, 
	"Wh—wh—why can't I read your mind?" She then turned to the other "bit  
players" and also probed their minds. And as she probed one by one, she  staggered back 
more and more. 
	"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area protected by  Higher 
Powers. Cease and desist all attempts—" 
	"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area protected by  Higher 
Powers—" 
	"Illegal mental access. This is a restricted mental area—" 
	"Illegal mental access—" 
	"Illegal—" 
	"ILLEGAL—" 
	"*ILLEGAL—*" 
	[KAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!] 
	Fuelled by a panic she had never known before, she fired the biggest bolt  of 
lightning she could conjure. Plucky jumped back, secretly glad that for  once, she wasn't 
aiming at him. What everyone saw next, however, brought even more confusion. 
	Shirley's lower beak hit the floor. 
	The lightning bolt hit, but it didn't hit any of the "bit players".  Instead, it seemed 
as if it had hit an invisible sphere that surrounded them  all, splitting the bolt into several 
branches that grounded themselves on whatever metal was around. Once the attack  
ceased, the "bit players" stopped cringing, straightened their ears, tails,  fur, and feathers 
where applicable, and stood up straight. Mary recovered from the stunning of the thunder 
blast,  and looked straight into the loon hen's eyes. Slowly, she walked toward her.  
Plucky, ever the hero, stepped in front of her and blocked her path. 
	"Don't you dare touch her!!" he quacked in her face. 
	"I'm not. I just need to talk to her, Plucky," she replied calmly. 
	"Well, you'll have to get through me first!" he quacked again, poking her  
shoulder. 
	With a shrug, Mary suddenly grabbed his wings, lifted him off the floor,  and 
gently placed him on her left. She turned her attention again on  Shirley, who was now 
leaning against a wall. 
	"Like, I don't know what that jaguar did to you," she quacked weakly, "but  you'd 
better not touch me, er sum junk!! Evil vibes are all, like, over the  place, and I know it!!" 
	Calmly, the humanmaid declared, "His name is *THE J.A.M.* Shirley, you did  it 
again. You tried to walk all over us. This time, however, you ran into a  wall. We 
investigated how The J.A.M. was shielded from you, and not just from you, but also from 
every  psychic on Earth. We found something much more deeper and beautiful than you  
could ever find in your crystal ball. We decided to take hold of that protection, and that 
included  the whole package: it included its *Source*. Shirley, we've been walked on  by 
you and all the 'stars', but know that as of now it will not happen anymore. You will no 
longer read our minds  at your convenience. If you want to know something from us, 
you're going to  have to *politely* ask us out loud, and then we'll decide if we want you 
to know. Concerning the evil  vibes, we want you to know this: You didn't sense evil 
vibes at first  because there weren't any coming from any one of us. What Calamity did 
was a plan we *all* helped with, and believe it  or not, it's to *help* Fifi. There were only 
good vibes coming from us, and  perhaps some sadness as well because we had no other 
choice but to do this, considering how far Fifi's  problem has gone. And you *saw* just 
how bad her problem is! The J.A.M.  isn't here because he knew you would throw all the 
blame on him, but as you can see, he isn't here, so you  *know* that the evil isn't coming 
from him. And it wasn't even *his* plan,  either!" 
	"Yeah! Eet was mine!!" squeaked Lightning, behind the humanmaid. 
	Mary continued. "It seems you have your wires crossed, Shirley. You think  we're 
evil, and we're not. All we've done is take hold of Something much  more powerful than 
you could ever imagine. I really, really thought you were different from Fifi or Babs,  
Shirley, but I was wrong. We were only planning to help Fifi today and then  try to 
gradually deal with you, but you dropped the axe yourself. I'm sorry it had to come to 
this. I was  *really* hoping we could be good friends." She sighed sadly, and finished,  
"So until you stop trying to mess with us and until you realise that what you're doing is 
wrong, then, so  long—Miss Loon." 
	Shirley wasn't sure, but she could have sworn that Mary's eyes were  watering 
slightly. The humanmaid turned and walked out of the wrecked  restaurant, and she was 
shortly followed by Lightning Rodriguez, Sneezer, Sweetie, Little Beeper, and  Calamity. 
Shirley expected the evil vibes to decrease as each of them filed  out, but the vibes were 
as strong as when she first sensed them. She turned to Plucky, who was stunned 
speechless  at the whole thing, but the vibes weren't coming from him. Suddenly, she ran  
outside and stood alone in the parking lot. The evil vibes were still there! She turned and 
saw the  "bit players" meet up with the jaguar about half a block from the  restaurant. 
	She didn't hear their conversation, of course, but it went like this; 
	"What happened?" asked The J.A.M. "I saw the window shatter. Was anyone  
hurt?" 
	"No, no one was hurt," said Mary. "And this wasn't planned, but we killed  two 
birds with one stone." 
	"You dealt with *both*? How?" 
	"Shirley fell under her own weight when she saw what we did to Fifi. It was  
more dramatic than we expected, but she won't be walking over us anymore." 
	"Well, I sure hope not. And I hope that when you deal later with  Mademoiselle 
LaFume, it won't be so—well, damaging—to property, Miss  Melody." 
	"We hope so too. And J.A.M.?" 
	"Yes?" 
	"Why do you keep calling everyone by their last name?" 
	"Because it's polite." 
	"Yes, it is, but when you're talking to your friends, well—if you keep  doing it, it 
can get just a tad rude—and maybe just annoying." 
	"Huh?" 
	"I guess what I'm saying is—J.A.M., you can call me Mary." 
	"Oh, okay! What about the rest of you guys?" 
	"¡Lightning, por favor!" 
	"Sweetie, if you will." 
	"Calamity, if you don't mind." 
	"Sneezer, okay?" 
	"Call me Little Beeper, or Beeper if you will, Chilango. But don't think  I'm 
starting to ease up on you!" 
	"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, Beeper. But does all this mean I'm a close  friend of 
you guys now?" 
	"Well, duh!!" replied Mary, making everyone chuckle. "And speaking of  names, 
how about finally telling us what your initials stand for?" 
	The panther smiled. "I will. But hop on the bike and let me take you all to  my 
place. It's a rather long story…" 
	Shirley saw the "bit players" walk/pad/fly further away, until they reached  the 
panther's bicycle, and a minute later, they all left. Suddenly, she saw  Plucky take off and 
fly away. She would have wondered why he suddenly did that, but that thought was  
thrown out by the fact that she *still* felt evil vibes! But how could she  still feel evil 
vibes with no one around, especially Plucky? How could evil vibes be near if she was the 
only one  around— 
	*She* was the only one around. 
	Quickly, she tried to centre herself as best as she could— 
	"*Ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhatalooniam, ohwhataloon—*" She 
was  levitating in the lotus position, trying to find the *true* source of evil— 
	*ILLEGAL—* 
	And gasped. 
	*ILLEGAL—* 
	Because all she could see and sense was *herself*. 
	*ILLEGAL—* 
	She fell to the ground, hard. 
	*ILLEGAL—* 
	Too stunned to get up, she just sat there, wondering where and when she  became 
the villain she thought she was fighting against all this time…

 OCHO  -  STELLA NOVA / DEAD RECKONING

 
	On Monday morning, an African-American humanmaid, wearing black pants, an  
orange tank top, and a red bow on her ponytail, rolled through the front  doors of Acme 
Looniversity, literally, because she didn't bother to take off her black  roller blades and 
put on her white shoes. Perhaps it was because she seemed  extremely happy this 
morning, evident from the radiant grin on her face. As she skated down the hall, she was 
then  flanked on her right by Calamity, his tail wagging, and then by Little  Beeper on her 
left. Sweetie then joined them by flying above the coyote. A small line of dust suddenly 
shot up the  canid's shoulder, and then it cleared, revealing Lightning and Sneezer.  
[UNWARP!!!] A "good evening" announced that The J.A.M. had just appeared behind 
them. As the group moved  down the hall, the other students parted to let them 
skate/pad/fly through.  They wondered why Mary and the rest seemed unusually cheerful 
this morning. Calamity and The J.A.M.  then high-fived Furrball when the group passed 
by the blue cat as he stood  next to his locker. 
	Part of the reason why they were all smiling was because they were all now  part 
of a secret; a secret that, although it didn't involve government  conspiracies, religious 
sects, pirate treasures, or even a good fishing spot, was still a secret nonetheless. 
	It was a secret that was personal. Not embarrassing or immoral, but simple  and 
profound. 
	It was a secret that not even Shirley The Loon would be able to pry from  them. 
	It was a secret that was shared *only* with the closest of friends. 
	Mary and the "bit players" now knew The J.A.M.'s real name. 
	Not to mention that this time, Mary Melody was *ready* for Platonic  Partners 
Class. 
	But that was only *part* of the reason why they were smiling. They were  also 
now part of the Waiting Ones, and that was something much bigger than  any secret. The 
group then skated/padded/flew past Shirley and the rest of the "stars". For the loon  hen, 
it was as if a psychic hole had just passed her, a point in the  metaphysical world where 
nothing appeared to exist, causing her to shrink back from them. But she *knew* 
something  existed there. After all, she had probed their minds before. 
	Only now, she did not dare probe into them. 
	"Illegal" actions didn't go well with her aura. 
	She never knew being a villain could be so draining.


	And then, it was time once again for Platonic Partners. Hubie and Bertie  seemed 
to notice something different about some of their students. Perhaps  it was that their faces 
appeared more "radiant", but they dismissed that as a figment of their imagination.  After 
all, the lighting inside the classroom hadn't been tampered with. The  class thus dealt with 
the work done during the weekend, and it was basically a continuation of the previous  
Friday: to see what partnerships worked best with each of them. And once  again, they 
called random pairs up to the front to see just how much they had progressed. There were 
plenty of  laughs, and plenty of boos as well. Then, the final pairing was called up. 
	"Montana," said Hubie. Grumbling, the human stood and stomped to the front  of 
the class again. 
	"And Mary," said Bertie. 
	"WHAT???" yelled Montana at the mice. "I already worked with her!!!" 
	"We know that," replied Bertie, business-like. "We want to see the progress  that 
was made this weekend, yours *and* hers." 
	The human huffed and crossed his arms. He looked up and saw the humanmaid  
stand and skate calmly toward him— 
	—and wondered why she was smiling. 
	Not only that, but he wondered why her smile was making him nervous. 
	She skid to a halt on his right, just as Hubie said, "Okay you two: your  topic is—
" 
	"Professors?" interrupted Mary. 
	"Yes?" they asked ridiculously politely. 
	"May we choose *our own* topic?" 
	"Huh? What are you doing?" asked the brat. 
	The mice looked at each other, and Bertie replied, "You may. But remember  to 
remain within the platonic concept." 
	Mary turned to look at her partner, and replied, "Oh, we will." 
	Montana's suspicion continued to increase, and it didn't help that his  partner 
cracked her knuckles, still smiling. Still, he tried to maintain his  bully attitude by asking, 
"So what do you have in mind, no-name?" 
	She apparently ignored that insult and replied with a grin, "Just be  yourself, 
Monty." 
	Hubie then game them the signal. 
	"You may begin."


	At that, Mary suddenly spin-changed into her news-anchor outfit, complete  with 
her sheets of paper. She looked at the class and began, "Good morning.  This is K-ACME 
news. I'm Mary Melody, and this is my co-host, Montana Max." Here, the brat smiled  
cheekily and puffed out his chest, but the class chuckled when Mary suddenly  thrust 
some papers in his hands, which he assumed he had to read. 
	"Um," he read, "today, Acme Looniversity officials decreed that they would  not 
allow entrance to any student whose first name was the same as one of  the fifty states—
what?" He looked at the paper, surprised, while the class laughed. 
	Mary continued without missing a beat. "There have been protests against  this 
new regulation, including from our very own, Montana Max." She glanced  at him with 
that peculiar smile of hers. 
	Annoyed, Montana continued reading, "There is no reason to discriminate  against 
people like us. It's not my fault that it's a tradition in my family  to name each member 
after each state in alphabetical—order?" The class laughed at the question, but Montana  
screamed at her, "WHAT??!! WHERE DID YOU HEAR SUCH A STUPID THING 
LIKE  THAT??!!" 
	Smiling, she replied, "Why, from your grandfather, Minnesota Jim." 
	More laughter burst from the class and teachers, while the human asked,  stunned, 
"How did you know that was his name?" 
	She ignored his question and turned to the class again. "Other students  have 
protested this, namely, Texas Max—" A cowboy outfit suddenly fell out  of nowhere and 
landed on Montana, surprising him even more. "California Max—" A grey wet-suit fell 
on  him, and he was holding a surfboard that declared, "Cowabunga, dude!!" Mary  
continued, "Florida Max—" Another outfit left him wearing a bright yellow shirt with 
orange  daisies printed all over it, purple Bermudas, and sandals. "Louisiana Max—"  
Now he was suddenly wearing no shoes, torn and faded blue jeans, a dirty white t-shirt, 
and a frayed straw  hat. "Kansas Max—" The outfit was now a *new* straw hat, a plaid  
long-sleeved shirt and blue overalls. "Washington Max—" His outfit was suddenly 
covered by a neon-yellow raincoat.  He also held an umbrella that, ironically, was the 
source of the sudden rain  that was drenching him. "And the protest was completed by 
Hawaii Max." 
	For a moment, the human thought he was naked, but looking down at himself,  he 
saw his hips and legs covered with a grass skirt. Exploding in anger, he  spun-changed 
back to his normal self, screaming loudly in the process, and making the class laugh and  
laugh and laugh. Mary continued, smiling. "Our very own Montana Max has sued  the 
Looniversity and he is expecting a lot of money for emotional damages." 
	At the mention of money, the brat calmed down. He stood straight and read,  
"Yes. Whether the Looniversity rectifies this atrocity against toon rights,  or not, they will 
pay *dearly* for their mistake." He smiled, finally, and continued, "And now, here's 
Mary  Melody, with the weather." 
	"Thank you, Monty. Today, expect heavy thunderstorms in Acme Acres." Out of  
nowhere, a lightning bolt suddenly turned Montana Max to ashes. And everyone  
guffawed. Rain fell on the ashes, helping Montana return to his normal shape. 
	Mary didn't say anything, so Montana assumed it was his turn to read, which  he 
did groggily, "In fact, there is a cloudburst expected today, so we  recommend all citizens 
to remain indoors. It's going to rain c---" The brat caught himself from saying the  ever 
popular phrase. And considering his temper, he had enough. He tore up  his sheets, and 
even snatched Mary's and tore them up as well. He then stood there, with muscles tensed,  
pale fists, red faced, and snorting like a wild bull, making his chest  heave. Everyone was 
still laughing, including the teachers. 
	Mary, meanwhile, just looked at her partner. "Oh, you wanna skip to the  next 
part? Okay." 
	Before he could ask what she was talking about, another outfit fell on him,  while 
Mary spin-changed again. Montana was now clad in grey medieval pants  and tunic, with 
an annoying hump behind it, making him hunch over. Mary, meanwhile, was clad in  a 
white lab coat, black gloves and boots, and her hair was frizzled up with  white stripes on 
the sides. She cackled, "A HA HA HA!!! I, Doctor Frankenmary, will soon create the  
ULTIMATE news reporter on Earth!! Montygor!" she yelled at her partner, "Go  find me 
a skull!!" 
	The brat was about to give a rude remark, but was rather stunned at the  request. 
"A skull?" he asked. "Don't you mean a brain?" 
	Suddenly Mary bashed his head into his chest with a mallet she pulled out  from 
behind her back. 
	"NO, YOU NINNY!! I need a skull FIRST *TO PUT* a brain in later!!!" Despite  
her being in character, she more than noticed the laughter she was  generating. 
	But Montana wasn't without his own retorts. He popped his head out of his  chest, 
shook the grogginess off him, and continued, "What would you need a  brain for, 
anyways? I hear reporters don't HAVE brains!" He smiled at his indirect insult, but 
wondered  why Mary was pondering on that. 
	"They don't?" she asked. "Hmmm, that alters my plans a little.…..a reporter  
doesn't have brains, which means that they don't think, which means that  they just ask 
annoying questions...OF COURSE!!" she screamed, slapping Montana on the back 
*very*  hard, nearly knocking him over. "All I need is the brain of a *pollster*,  and 
attach it to a reporter's body!! Then I'll install the teleprompter in its eyes, the earphone 
directly  inside its ear, and permanently attach a microphone to its hand!!! MONTYGOR,  
THANKS A LOT!!! YOU SAVED ME A LIFETIME OF WORK, A HA HA HA 
HA!!!!!" She slapped his back again  in thanks, and concluded, "And as a reward, I'll let 
you skip your yearly  bath!! Oh, and I'll let you have dessert tonight, too!! Here!!" 
	Many expected this, but it was still funny to see her pull out a cake from  behind 
her and smash it on Montana's face. The brat trembled with rage, and  this time, he didn't 
turn red, but a bright yellow. He then burned up in flames, literally, which died out  in a 
few seconds. The remaining smoke then coalesced into his normal self  again, but he still 
had cake on his face. 
	Mary, meanwhile, spin-changed back to normal, and took a bow. Here, the  class, 
which was still laughing hysterically, suddenly gave an explosive  ovation, complete with 
cheers and whistling, the majority of which was coming from the "bit players". Mary  
stood straight and sighed, wiping some sweat off her forehead. Then, she  heard chants, 
"MARY! MARY! MARY!" and she couldn't believe her eyes when the entire class 
rushed up to  her, deafening Gogo's lunchtime announcement. She was scared for a 
moment,  but then she saw that the crowd was being led by the "bit players." The J.A.M., 
Calamity, Beeper, and  Furrball then lifted her above their heads and carried her out of 
the  classroom, "MARY! MARY! MARY!" and were careful to duck when they reached 
the door. Mary squealed with  fright *and* euphoria. 
	This was certainly a new experience for her. 
	She just took it all in as she was carried in triumph to the cafeteria. 
	The toons that remained inside, however, were Montana, Plucky, Shirley, and  the 
teachers. "Um, class dismissed," mumbled Bertie. Hubie looked at him and  just slapped 
the back of his head. 
	As the mice climbed down the desk, Shirley looked at Montana and Plucky. 
	She was with the "villains"? 
	With her neck lowering in sudden fright, she quickly stood and dashed out  the 
door. 
	Montana then looked at Plucky, and growled, "That was a BIG mistake. Duck,  do 
you have the info?" 
	The anseriform replied, suddenly not smiling. "Yes. I took the liberty of  
preparing a computer presentation. Hey, those animation classes *are* useful  after all!" 
	The human ignored that comment and said, "Then follow me. My other friends  
are ready to listen." The two villains thus left the now empty classroom.


	Mary was finally brought down when her carriers arrived at the cafeteria.  She 
looked at all her friends, and her "fans" now as well, and said, "Thanks  for everything, 
guys. Now, if you'll excuse me, we've gotta eat." She and her friends sat down at the "bit  
player's" table, and as they got their lunches out, Mary pulled a small  black square 
device from her pants pocket, and gave it to Calamity. "Thanks for the portable special 
effects  box, Calamity!" 
	"Eh, it was a minor science project," he signed. 
	"But it helped me pull this off. And hey, I think I just found a unique  ability of 
mine!" 
	"Oh? What is it, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer. 
	"Well, I decided to break the routine today and keep my skates on all day.  And it 
turned out that they *really* helped me do those spin changes!! I  *don't* know if I 
would have been able to do them with my normal shoes!" 
	"Well, you could try," said The J.A.M., smiling. She smiled back at him. 
	"Good point. Speaking of which, I'm glad I *finally* learned how to do the  body 
pocket trick! Now I'll be able to switch back and forth without having  either my shoes or 
skates be so bulky inside my purse!" She patted her hip for a moment, where her white  
shoes were stored for the moment, and added, "But it's too bad that Monty  didn't finish 
his lines." 
	"The cats and dogs one?" signed Beeper. "That would have been hilarious!!" 
	"And the cats and dogs of the faculty wouldn't have had any problems  falling on 
him," she commented. "I can just imagine Professors Sylvester,  Sylvia, Alexander, Sam, 
Arnold, Wile E., and *you two* flattening Monty!!" 
	The felid and the canid looked at each other, and laughed. 
	"I teenk Furrball wood have jumped een dere, too!!" added Lightning. 
	"Too  bad there wasn't time for you to break out into a song!" added Sweetie. 
	"Oh, that would have been a BLAST!" squeaked Sneezer. 
	Mary sighed. "What can I say? I tried to be flexible, and he didn't want  to. Then 
again, I doubt the teachers would have given us enough time to pull  off everything we 
planned." 
	"Still, you worked around him excellently," added the panther, and then he  
exclaimed, "¡No contaba con tu astucia!" 
	The humanmaid looked blankly at him, and asked, "What?" 
	"He didn't count on your cleverness," he translated, smiling at her. The  group 
continued to laugh and laugh and eat. As they ate their food, they  gradually calmed 
down, but they, and everyone, continued to smile and chuckle, even the toons who 
weren't in  the class. It was contagious, so it seemed.


	One toon wasn't smiling, however, and she was sitting by herself, eating  her tofu. 
Perhaps she needed to rethink and re-meditate her dealings with  those around her.


	When Mary finished eating, she noticed that someone else had finished as  well. 
She quickly stood and said, "Excuse me, guys, but I need to leave now.  I have something 
very important to do." 
	"Hey, no problem," said the panther. 
	"See you later, Mary," said Sweetie. 
	The humanmaid nodded, and she skated up to Fifi just as she was about to  leave 
the cafeteria. She told her quietly, "We need to talk. Now." 
	The skunkmaid looked at the humanmaid for a moment, wondering why she had  
asked her something of that sort and so suddenly. 
	And a spark in Mary's eyes was something she instinctively knew that was  not to 
be questioned. Both of them left the cafeteria.


	Montana locked the door to the animation room once Plucky and he were  inside. 
The duck looked at the "helpers", somewhat hidden by the darkness in  the windowless 
room. 
	"Now *this* was certainly expected of you," said the anseriform, as he took  out a 
disk from his body pocket and walked to the computer and projector,  which were 
conveniently placed on one end of the classroom. 
	Montana wiped some icing remnants off himself as he sat down near the  screen. 
"What were you able to find out?" 
	Plucky ran the program, turned on the projector, and stepped up to the  screen. It 
showed a computerised map of Acme Acres, which rotated and zoomed  to where Acme 
Looniversity was located. The anseriform explained as he pulled out a long  metal 
pointer, "Aerial recon—reconni—spying—revealed that the jaguar  *always* takes this 
path from the Looniversity to the forest." A red line emerged from the Looniversity's 
main  entrance and zigzagged through the city, until it reached the forest,  stopping there. 
Another red line began from a certain restaurant and zigzagged its way as well. "He has 
an  alternate path if he starts from Weenie Burgers, but it converges on his  original path 
here," he pointed to where both lines joined. "Tree cover in the forest is very thick, and I 
couldn't get  any information from there. The forest dwellers also heard and saw what  
happened on your first encounter there, Monty, so they refused to disclose any 
information to me." 
	"Looks like we'll have to do it in the city, then," said one helper. 
	"But how?" asked the other. "We'll always have an audience, and the way he  
keeps to the right side of the street, if we attempt a drive-by shooting,  we'll risk hitting 
others. Even with a point-blank shot, the tranquilliser will take at least one minute to  take 
effect, giving him enough time to fight back or call for help. And  that's *if* he's not 
pedalling alone. And even if he was, anyone nearby with a cell phone could call the cops 
on us." 
	"Not necessarily," said Plucky. The image then zoomed in to a particularly  long 
block. "The J.A.M. turns right on this street, whether he's coming from  the Looniversity 
or Weenie Burgers. Here, he doesn't keep right, but instead moves next to the median."  
An even greater zoom showed the path as Plucky described it. "That's because  he has to 
take a left at the next corner. This particular segment of his commute is long, with a very  
wide street and scattered businesses near the corners. We'll have a very  small audience 
here, if any." 
	"But what to we do about the tranquilliser delay, duck?" asked one helper.  "Even 
the most potent dose on the largest dart will give him at least a  sixty second window of 
escape. Anything more potent will kill him on the spot, and we don't want a murder  in 
our paws." 
	"Hold it," said Montana. "That sixty second window will work with just one  
dose, right?" 
	"Actually, that's an approximation," replied the other helper. "He said  he's been 
hunted before, so we don't know how much tolerance he's built up  so far. We don't have 
his exact weight, either. It *could* be from two to eight minutes." 
	"From just *one* dose?" insisted the human. 
	"Yes. Are you saying we should shoot him repeatedly?" 
	"Additional shots will draw attention to us," said the first helper. "And  right from 
the first shot, he's likely to roar in pain and wobble on his  bicycle, becoming a harder 
target." 
	"Not if we all shoot at the same time," explained Montana, standing up and  
walking to the computer…


	Mary led Fifi into an empty audio/visual classroom, and closed the door  behind 
them. 
	"Marie, what ees eet zat vous want to talk to moi about?" 
	The humanmaid turned to the skunkmaid, and asked, "Fifi, let me ask you  first: 
do you, um, enjoy chasing guys?" 
	Fifi's face brightened, her tail swished, and she replied, "Oo, oui!! Ah  luvv 
chasing ze skunk-'unks!!" 
	"Uh, no, Fifi, I mean *guys*. Not necessarily skunks." 
	The memphitid looked at the hominid quizzically, halting her tail motion.  "What 
do vous mean? Ah've only chased ze male skunks." 
	Mary sighed and pulled out a videotape from her pocket, and walked to the  TV 
and VCR. She turned them both on, and inserted the tape in its respective  slot. The 
screen flickered a moment, and then it coalesced into a familiar scene. 
	"Zat ees ze Weenee Burgers," she recognised. "What does zat 'ave to do  weeth ze 
skunk-'unks?" 
	Mary paused the tape, pointed to a toon, and asked, "Fifi, who is that?" 
	The skunkmaid didn't need to think about this question. "Zat is Babs,  standeeng 
next to Bustair." 
	The humanmaid nodded, "Good. Now, what species is Babs?" 
	Fifi stood back at this, lowered her ears, and frowned, "What do vous mean?  
Babs ees ze bunny, non?" 
	Mary calmly insisted, "And what gender is Babs?" 
	Now the carnivore was getting annoyed, and she replied thusly, with her  tail 
twitching, "Marie, Babs ees ze *female* bunny! Anyone knows zat!!" 
	Satisfied with the answer, Mary let the tape play. Both saw Babs put the  carrot 
cake on the table, and then turn her back to the camera as she turned  to Buster. She 
paused the tape again. 
	"Now what do you see?" 
	"Oo, la la!! I see ze skunk-'unk!!" Fifi clasped her paws near her face,  love-
struck, with her eyes turning into red hearts. Her ears were perked up,  as was her tail. 
	Mary's shoulders and gaze dropped at this response. Sadly, she looked up at  her, 
and asked cautiously, "Fifi, this is very important, but please, look  carefully at the 
screen. Since when do skunks have long ears and cotton ball tails?" 
	"Maybe eet ees ze foreign skunk, like moi?" 
	The humanmaid wiped her face in frustration. She looked to the screen, and  
advanced the tape frame by frame. 
	"Oo! Zat ees moi runneeng to grab ze skunk-'unk!!" The scene advanced  slowly 
to show Fifi pouncing on Babs, and Babs' subsequent panic. Fifi  giggled as she watched 
herself, proud of how she held to her prospective beau— 
	And then, she gasped. 
	Her ears drooped and her tail fell. 
	Babs had now turned so her face could be seen. She was looking directly at  Fifi 
with an expression of terror, but the skunkmaid had love-struck eyes,  making it 
impossible for her to see who Babs *really* was. In the classroom, the skunkmaid was so 
shocked at  this that she fell back, sitting down hard on the floor. She remained quiet  for 
a minute before she stuttered, "Zat—zat ees moi—huggeeng Babs—who had ze white 
stripe on 'er  back—" 
	Mary sighed and looked down. "Fifi, didn't you ever *notice* this happening  to 
you? Didn't you realise that you were trying to romance a *female*?" 
	Moist purple eyes met brown ones, "Non—when Ah—Ah see ze white  stripe—
Ah—zees zeengs—'appen to moi—Ah can't stop zem—zey just feel so  good—pour quoi 
are vous telleeng moi *now*, after all we deed to vous? And pour quoi deedn't anyone  
tell moi before?" 
	Mary sat beside her and explained, "Ask the WB executives why you were  never 
told. As to why *I'm* telling you, well, you guys may have treated me  and the others 
like dirt, but—but I don't think it's right for me to just watch this happen to you  with the 
possibility of it getting worse. *I'm* not going to treat you, or  anyone else, like dirt. You 
had this problem for a long time, Fifi. I don't know why your 'friends' never told  you 
about it. I may not be able to help you, but—it's time that you knew  about this before it 
got worse, and it's time for you to look for those who *are* able to help you." She gently  
placed her hand on her paw and finished, "I'm sorry, Fifi." She got up,  turned, and was 
about to walk away, but then she turned around again and said, "If—if you ever need to 
talk—well, me  and Sweetie can make a spot for you." With that, the humanmaid left the  
classroom, and shut the door. 
	Inside, Fifi sat up and hugged her legs tight, wrapping her tail around  herself, 
eyeing with shock the scene frozen in front of her. Finally, she  buried her face in her 
knees and broke down in sobs; her mind pleading for any reason as to why this had gone 
for  so long without anyone bothering to tell her.

 NUEVE  -  ET TU, KENNEDY?

 
	The "victory lunch" was at Weenie Burgers, of course. Mary had brought  
something special for one of her friends, and had planned to give it during  their time 
here. Sitting in front of the jaguar and beside the coyote, she said, "Well, Fifi finally saw 
the  facts, and I told her that if she wanted to talk, I would be there for her.  I don't know 
if she'll lose her romantic personality, though." 
	The jaguar raised an eyebrow. "You offered her your time?" She nodded.  "Then 
it seems *you* know more about the *true* meaning of friendship than  she does." 
	"She, and all the 'stars'," added Sweetie. "And now that they've seen  *true* 
friendship, maybe they'll start thinking more carefully about who  their friends *really* 
are." 
	"And now that we've dealt with Fifi and Shirley, you won't have any more  
blocks, will you Mary, huh-huh?" asked Sneezer. 
	"I hope not. Being the one to deliver the blows isn't exactly my cup of  tea." 
	"We understand, Mary," signed Calamity, lowering his ears a trifle. "But  you do 
have to admit that it was best for a female to deal with females in  those matters." 
	"Yes, you're right, Calamity. I'm just glad that's all over. Now I can be  loony like 
everyone else, finally!" 
	"And you made a great start, I'll tell you that," signed Beeper. 
	"Yes, it's a start," she replied. "Today was only the start." She leaned  back on the 
seat and sighed with a grin. 
	"You were excellent, Mary," said The J.A.M., his orange eyes burning deeply  
into her dark brown ones. "You're on your way of becoming a hilarious toon.  Hey, you'll 
be breaking new ground with this! A loony black human female toon. I bet that's  
something *no* animation company has ever tried before!!" 
	Mary's face shone like never before. "And it was thanks to you, and *all*  of you 
guys, who helped me deal with the blocks and find my loony self.  Thanks, Cal," she 
hugged the coyote, making him straighten his ears again. "Thanks, Beeper!" The  
roadrunner was on the opposite corner, so she just reached out and held his  wing. 
"Thanks, Lightning, Sweetie, and Sneezer!" Carefully lifting the *true* tiny Toons to her 
cheek, she hugged  them as well. Then, she put them down, and turned to the Mexican. 
"And  thanks to you, too, señor!" She stood and hugged him, and she didn't know why, 
but she had to squeeze him tighter  than she did with the others. Thinking for a moment, 
she finally realised  why Elmyra wanted to cuddle him to death. Well, she wasn't sure if 
she wanted to kill him like that, but  the cuddling seemed like a good idea. He returned 
her embrace, and she was  surprised at how tight he hugged her as well. A moment later, 
they released each other with a slightly  disappointed sigh, and looked at each other's 
eyes. Mary sat down again. 
	Suddenly realising he was holding her hands, The J.A.M. quickly pulled  away, 
lowering his ears, trying to stop his spots from turning red, and  stuttered, "Um, you're 
welcome, Miss Melody—" 
	"Hey, what did I say about that?" she asked with a slight smirk. 
	"Um, okay. *Mary*, you're welcome." 
	"And speaking of names," she added, "thanks for letting us in on your  secret and 
letting us know yours." 
	"And now dat we're Waiteeng Ones, our minds are sheelded. Sheerley won't be  
able to get eento our minds to find out hees name!" squeaked Lightning with  joy. 
	"Not unless she becomes a *close* friend," replied the panther. "And she  
*knows* what she has to do in order to become that. You all, however—well—I  can 
truly say that you're the closest friends I've ever had. Thank you all." He looked at each 
of them  with gratitude, but when he turned to the humanmaid, their gazes locked  again. 
Mary felt something odd stir within her, and she wondered why her cheeks were 
receiving more blood  supply. 
	As for the felid, he was trying to keep his spots from changing colour  again. 
Suddenly he broke the gaze and stuttered, "Uh—I guess I'll see  everyone tomorrow, 
then?" 
	Mary didn't know why, but she felt a trifle more disappointed when she  heard 
him say that. "Uh, sure, I guess. I'll—we'll see you tomorrow, J.A.M." 
	The jaguar really didn't want to leave, but for some reason, it was getting  hot 
inside the diner. So, he straightened his ears, stood, and declared.  "I'll see you then. Until 
next time, remember: I AM THE J.A.M. Good evening." In a blink, [WARP!!!] he 
warped  away. Everyone turned to the door, and saw it slowly close, just as Buster  and 
Babs entered. 
	"Did anyone feel a breeze just now?" asked Babs. The others just chuckled a  
trifle, and Mary sat back and sighed. For some reason, she was looking  forward to seeing 
her friend tomorrow. She certainly didn't expect to have such feelings for him, much  less 
for any non-human, but for some reason that really didn't matter at  this point. She would 
sort out just what it was that she was feeling and then go on from there. She shifted a  
trifle and placed her purse on the table— 
	A particular sound jolted her out of her pondering. Quickly, she opened her  
purse, and gasped. 
	"Oh, no! I forgot to give him his M&M's!!" 
	"To help him restock?" asked Sweetie. 
	"Yes!! You guys ate HALF of his reserves!! I hope this one-pound bag helps  him 
out!" 
	Calamity signed, "You can still catch him. He probably just warped to his  bicycle 
and right now he's pedalling toward the forest." Her face lit up  again. 
	"Oh, okay, thanks, Calamity!" With that, she stood, skated out of the  diner, and 
proceeded to follow The J.A.M.


	The panther, meanwhile, was happily pedalling his way through the Acme  Acres, 
happy, his tail swaying behind him, because he had found close  friends, finally, and 
maybe one who seemed to want to be closer than the others did. 
	*I think I'm going to like it here.* 
	He took a right turn on to a wide avenue, and moved to the yellow divider  
because he was going to make a left turn at the next corner. It was a rather  long block, 
and since there was barely any traffic, he took his time and slowly coasted down the 
street. 
	A perfect speed for target practice. 
	On the roofs of four buildings in that block, one hand, two paws, and one  wing 
opened four rifles' firing chambers, loaded their respective darts,  shut the chambers, and 
cocked the rifles. Four sights then homed in on the feline's torso. 
	"Okay, he just turned into the street. I can take him out from right here!"  
whispered Plucky into his headset. 
	"Wait until he's in position!!" growled Montana. "We can't risk anyone  missing a 
shot, so we'll fire when he's right at the centre!!" From above  the buildings, one would 
have been able to see Montana Max on a building on the right side of the street,  hiding 
behind a billboard. A few buildings ahead of him was Rhubella Rat,  hiding behind a 
rampart wall. On the opposite side of the street, directly in front of her, was Roderick Rat,  
hiding behind a stone gargoyle. Completing the ambush, Plucky was hiding  behind a 
lighted sign, directly opposite of Montana. All four were on the roofs of six-story 
buildings; their  positions forming a square. On the centre of the square, on the pavement,  
two lines had been spray-painted earlier. They were white, adjacent to the yellow divider, 
but perpendicular to it.  They were spaced two metres form each other, and were less than 
one  decimetre long. From any cyclist's viewpoint they would have been unnoticed, but 
from their ambush positions,  the two lines marked the "bull's-eye" where the target 
would be equidistant  from each of the snipers, guaranteeing a sure hit. 
	Twenty metres from the bull's-eye. 
	"Okay, prepare to fire, on my mark!!" whispered Montana. "You guys at the  van, 
get ready to move!!" The rifles followed their target as he approached  the centre of the 
ambush. Around the corner, a black van turned on its engine. The rats' ears laid low  in 
anticipation, and the duck's neck arched in silent anger. 
	Fifteen metres from the bull's-eye. 
	Moments after The J.A.M. turned into that street, Mary Melody turned the  corner 
and skated down the sidewalk. She was planning to catch up with him  and shout to him, 
and he would then pull to the sidewalk so she would give him his M&M's. 
	Ten metres from the bull's-eye. 
	Or perhaps she would follow him to the forest and see where things went on  from 
there. The afternoon sun changed her plans abruptly, however. Since the  sun was on her 
left, and she was on the right side of the street, she was skating without any shadows  to 
cover her. 
	Montana shifted to get a better position, bringing his left arm out to the  sunlight. 
	And on his left wrist, he wore a Rolex. 
	Nine metres from the bull's-eye. 
	And for one instant, the glass cover of his watch reflected the sun  directly to the 
sidewalk below. 
	A small flash above her caught Mary's attention. 
	She looked up, and saw what appeared to be a black tube. 
	Eight metres from the bull's-eye. 
	A white hand was holding the tube. 
	And the tube was following The J.A.M.'s position. 
	Seven metres from the bull's-eye. 
	In one instant, all her blood pooled to her feet, and in the next instant,  all her 
blood boiled with adrenaline as she suddenly shot out to the street,  toward the jaguar on 
his bicycle. 
	"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!" 
	Six metres from the bull's-eye. 
	"Huh?" asked Rhubella. 
	The jaguar heard a female scream behind him. Instinctively, he slowed down,  and 
turned slightly. 
	He saw Mary Melody skating toward him as if she were trying to set a speed  
record. 
	Five metres from the bull's-eye. 
	Must—skate—faster— 
	If this had happened in Mexico, he would have said, "She was skating *como  
alma que persigue el Diablo,*" i.e., "like a soul that the Devil chases." 
	Four metres from the bull's-eye. 
	Must—————skate—————faster————— 
	What was wrong with her? 
	She screamed again, "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!" 
	Three metres from the bull's-eye. 
	His nose detected her adrenaline, making his ears lay back. 
	"WARP!!! WAAARP!!!!!! 
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRPPP!!!!!!!!!!!" 
	Two metres from the bull's-eye. 
	Must—————————skate——————————faster———————
——— 
	She wanted him to warp? Why? He wasn't about to be hit by a car or bus or  truck 
or— 
	One metre from the bull's-eye. 
	"Mary?" asked Plucky. 
	She wasn't sure what powered her legs at that point. 
	Target inside the bull's-eye. 
	But she pounced on him. 
	HARD. 
	"Fire!" 
	Suddenly losing his balance, the jaguar toppled to his left. Since he was  being 
held by Mary, he couldn't twist so he would land on his foot-paws.  Both landed on their 
sides, hard, and the bicycle made a resounding WHAM as it also met the pavement. 
	"Oh [CENSORED]," said Roderick. 
	The J.A.M. struggled to get Mary off him, and he sat facing her. "Hey, just  what 
the bleep do you think you're doing?" he growled. "Are you trying to  get us killed or 
someth—" 
	She just smiled at him, and mumbled, "…they didn't count on my cleverness…" 
	A black van rolled around the corner, headed toward them in the opposite  
direction, and a few onlookers began assembling. 
	And then Mary just zoned out. Her eyes remained open, but they were now  
unresponsive. 
	"Abort! Abort! Abort!!" hissed Montana. The van passed them, and went on  its 
way. 
	"Mary?" 
	No response. 
	Shifting closer, he asked, "Mary, are you okay? What h—" And then, he  noticed 
something on her shoulders, and on her lower back. 
	Four darts, embedded in her body. 
	It was turn for *his* blood to pool to his foot-paws. 
	"Mary??" he asked, fighting the panic that was welling within him. His ears  were 
completely flat with fear, and his fur colour actually paled. He shook  her arm a trifle, but 
she didn't blink. "MARY!!!!" he roared, kneeling in front of her and gently  placing her 
head on his lap. Carefully, he plucked the darts from her. From  that moment, everything 
seemed to happen in slow motion, for him, at least. Looking up and seeing a small  crowd 
of onlookers, he roared, "SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!!!!" He looked  down 
again, at his human friend, as she lay quietly on his lap, in what he hoped was just a  deep 
sleep…

 DIEZ  -  HOW MUCH IS THAT FUR SUIT ON THE PANTHER?

 
	Mary slept quietly on her hospital bed, accompanied by the usual tubes,  heart 
monitor, and brain monitor. Sighing, The J.A.M. and Mary's parents  left her room, and 
the jaguar closed the door. The parents headed for the hospital chapel, but the jaguar  
remained near the door. Out in the hall, practically all the Tiny Toons were  assembled 
there. Ears were low and tails were still, where applicable, of course. In front of the 
crowd  were none other than Babs and Buster Bunny, no relation. 
	Before either of them could ask anything, the panther spoke. "She's still  in a 
coma. The doctors already gave her the tranquilliser antidote, but  they're not sure when 
she'll wake up." He then looked up, and saw Plucky in the back of the crowd. "The  
quadruple tranquilliser dose that she took for me would have put me out for  just a day or 
two, enough time to skin me alive and ship me back to Mexico. Being human, her body is 
not as  tolerant as a panther's is, so what's considered a 'large' dose for me is a  *near fatal 
dose* for her." His orange eyes bored into Plucky's. His fur was acquiring a reddish tint 
again. 
	"What did the police say?" asked Hamton. 
	"They took the leads that I gave them. The darts smelled like two rats, one  
human, and one duck." Plucky began sweating heavily at this. "From the  angles the darts 
hit, the snipers were near the top of the buildings around us. From the accuracy and 
markings  on the street, this was no amateur job, but a military ambush in every  aspect." 
He began padding toward the duck, and continued, "So someone who wants to get rid of 
me made *sure*  he or she got a professional job to do it. But as Mary said before she fell  
into a coma," he was now standing right in front of him, "They didn't count on her 
cleverness." 
	Plucky suddenly turned away from his face, lowered his neck, and stuttered,  
"Well, gee! I wonder who it could have been? Not me, no sir, I mean, I don't  have the 
money to get THAT job done, no way, no how." 
	The J.A.M. didn't buy that, of course. "I think we all know who did it,  Mister 
Duck. Or perhaps Miss Loon should read everyone's mind to make sure  who really did 
it?" 
	Before Plucky could stutter more excuses, the jaguar suddenly turned to the  loon 
hen, "That is, *if* that's okay with her. After all, I doubt *you* want  to get rid of me as 
well, do you?" 
	Shirley gasped. Did he notice her neck lowering, and her hesitance in  agreeing to 
read Plucky's mind? Did *she* want him gone as well? Before she  could analyse herself, 
someone began screaming from the end of the hall. 
	"Let me go, you flea bitten mutt!! I can sue the pants off you and everyone  here!! 
I'm rich!! I don't have to be here!!" Everyone turned and saw  Calamity and Little Beeper 
dragging Montana Max down the hall toward the crowd outside of Mary's room. The  
coyote had his ears flat, tail stiff, fangs bared, and hackles raised, and  the roadrunner had 
his feathers more ruffled than ever. 
	"None of us are wearing *pantalones*, idiota!" hissed Lightning, in his  ear. 
Sneezer and Sweetie were also on his head, pulling his hair in the  direction they wanted 
him to go. Both mice's fur was bristling, and their ears were flat with rage. Sweetie's  
feathers were in a flux as well. The other Tiny Toons parted to let them  through, and 
finally the coyote and roadrunner threw the human at the jaguar's foot-paws. 
	"Good evening, *Maximiliano*," he growled, making sure the human noticed  
that, as a Mexican, he didn't like Montana's name, for historical reasons. 
	The boy scrambled to his feet and hissed himself, "What do you want,  wetback?" 
	For Montana's sake, The J.A.M. ignored that insult, and replied, "Nothing  much, 
Mister *Maximiliano*. I just want you to see something." 
	"See what??!!" In the next moment, The J.A.M.'s right paw was firmly  clamped 
on Montana's throat, making the human yelp faintly. With his other  paw, the jaguar 
opened the door, and as he stepped in with Montana, he turned to the other "bit  players" 
and said, "Bring him, too." Angrily, the others pounced on Plucky,  and dragged him 
inside as well. 
	"Hey, no!! I'm innocent!! I demand a habeas corpus!! I demand a lawyer!! I  
demand a phone call!! I—" His annoying demands were cut off when he was  thrown to 
the floor of Mary's room. Calamity then shut the door, and stood guard, while the others  
took their places on the window, ensuring neither of them would try to  escape. The 
J.A.M. shoved Montana away, and shook his scent from his paw. 
	Montana angrily and nervously rubbed his neck, and turned to the feline.  "Well, 
I'm here. What do you want to show me?" 
	With a deep and calm voice, but still with bristling fur and twitching  tail, the 
jaguar gestured toward the comatose humanmaid. "I wanted to show  you the results of 
your actions, Mister *Maximiliano*." He then turned to Plucky, "And yours too, Mister  
Duck. You didn't count on any toon being willing to defend me and risk her  life to 
protect mine, even though I have better defences than she does. Because of you two, 
Mary Melody is in a  coma." His fur was now redder, and he couldn't help but flash his 
fangs as  he said that. 
	Plucky stood up, and slowly waddled behind Montana. "You can't prove  
anything," scowled the human. "You don't have witnesses or fingerprints. You  erased 
them all when you pulled off the darts!" 
	The jaguar remained still and calm, arms crossed, "Mary saw one of you on  those 
buildings. We'll see exactly who she saw the moment she wakes up. As  for the 
fingerprints, they may be lost, but the darts smelled like a human, a duck, and two rats." 
	"Or maybe it was four rats!!" signed Calamity, snarling. 
	"Besides, Mister Duck here is already willing to confess the whole thing to  Miss 
Loon, aren't you, Mister Duck?" The duck just shook in fear and hid  behind Montana, 
who was now scowling at *him*. The jaguar continued. "The darts and tranquilliser  can 
be traced to their manufacturers and buyers, Mister *Maximiliano*. And  I'm sure that 
any furry toon with a good nose can pick up your scents on those buildings." 
	The human now began sweating. The evidence *was* stacked against him.  
"Okay," he said, trying to keep his cool, but still beginning to pale. "What  do you want 
from me?" 
	"Well, first of all, I just want to know: do you want my fur that bad?" 
	Montana looked at him for a moment, and replied, "The price of real fur has  gone 
through the roof, especially that of endangered species like you.  You're a walking 
fortune, jaguar. You may have gotten away now, but eventually, *someone* will skin 
you alive,  and it won't necessarily be me. If Elmyra could do it to a leopard, she can  do 
it to you." 
	The J.A.M. stood still for a moment, and then said, "So, in summary, this  entire 
mess is because of my fur?" 
	"Yes." 
	The jaguar looked into the human's hardened eyes, and declared, "Very well.  If 
you want it that bad, I'm willing to give up my fur, for a price." 
	"J.A.M., no!!" Suddenly, everyone turned. 
	Mary Melody had awakened at last. 
	"Mary!" exclaimed the feline. "Lightning, go call the doctor!" 
	"¡Si!" No sooner had Calamity opened the door a crack when a line of dust  shot 
from the window, through the crack, and down the hall. The canid closed  the door again. 
	The humanmaid ignored that and pleaded again, with a weak voice, "J.A.M.,  
please!! Don't give him your fur!! He's not worth it!!" 
	Apparently ignoring her, the jaguar turned to the human again. "So my fur  is 
worth a fortune?" 
	"Yeah, it is. How much do you want?" 
	"Well, for starters, I would like for *your* insurance to pay *all* of  Mary's 
medical expenses." 
	Montana raised an eyebrow at this, and replied, "Sounds sensible. I can  cover 
that." 
	"J.A.M., please, don't do it!!" Even Sweetie, Sneezer, and Calamity were  adding 
to Mary's pleas. 
	"And, to cover *my* expenses of losing my fur in a cold environment that my  
species is not native to, I would like ten thousand American dollars, and  one cent." 
	Montana's jaw would have dropped to the floor if he hadn't yelped,  
"WHAAAA??? I'm not going to give you that kind of money!!" 
	"But of course. You'll need that to bail yourself out of jail, *if* the  judge allows 
that. For ten thousand dollars, I can tell the police that my  nose isn't as good as a 
bloodhound's, which is true." 
	"J.A.M., please!!" signed Calamity. Beeper, meanwhile, couldn't believe the  
jaguar was willing to do this. 
	"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Montana. 
	"Well, a jaguar's sense of smell isn't as sharp as a dog's. Right now, all  I've told 
the police is that I smelled a human, a duck, and two rats. If I  went to the buildings, I 
would *also* smell a human, a duck, and two rats, but I never said *which* human, 
duck,  or rats I identified. It would be *very* difficult for me to make a positive  
identification because I haven't spent that much time around said human, duck, or rats, 
and believe me,  that's the truth. That's shaky evidence that wouldn't hold too well in  
court, you know. However, if I have enough time on my paws, a line-up of suspects, and 
if I sniff *very* carefully—" 
	"All right, FINE!!" yelled Montana. "I'll pay for her expenses, and I'll  give you 
your money!!" 
	"NO!!" moaned Mary. But her cries were ignored. And she could do nothing to  
stop him. 
	"Do you have the money now?" asked The J.A.M. 
	"Yes, yes I do." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of  bills. 
"Here!!" he said as he thrust the money into The J.A.M.'s paw. 
	"And one cent," added the felid. 
	Frantically, Montana searched his pockets for the balance, while demanding,  
"What the [CENSORED] do you need one cent for??!!" 
	"To spite you. Why else?" 
	Montana growled as he continued searching for loose change. 
	"J.A.M., don't do it!" signed Beeper, to everyone's surprise. 
	Finally, Montana found the needed coin, and shoved it to the feline.  Wordlessly, 
the jaguar took the coin, relaxed his features, padded into the  bathroom, and shut the 
door. The other "bit players" sighed in defeat, and Mary and Sweetie wept openly, the  
latter doing it on Sneezer's shoulder. The coyote and mouse drooped their  ears and tail, 
and the roadrunner lowered his neck and tail as well. Five minutes later, The J.A.M. 
padded out  of the bathroom, clad in a very long bathrobe that covered his foot-paws.  His 
head and paws were a furless pink now, and his jaguar fur suit was being held with his 
left paw. Everyone  gasped at the sight, even Montana. He would have looked completely  
ridiculous if his expression wasn't that of extreme anger. The jaguar padded toward the 
human, and handed him his  fur. At the same time he came out, a human Asian female 
doctor walked inside  the room, with Lightning on her shoulder. One instant later, the 
Mexican mouse was also shocked by what  he saw. 
	"Take good care of it, Mister *Maximiliano*," said the jaguar. "It took  lots of 
good nutrition and specialised shampoo to get it that shiny." 
	Montana took it, still in shock. "I—I—sure. Does this mean you'll keep  quiet?" 
	Mary slowly shook her head in defeat as she saw all of this. 
	"*I* will. I don't know if Mister Duck will, however, if Miss Loon ever  *does* 
manage to have that talk with him. Or perhaps, whatever conscience he  has will 
eventually make him fess up. And I can't guarantee the police won't find anything by  
themselves, you know. Not to mention you made a whole lot of toons angry."  Mary was 
just lying there, left out of everything again— 
	*Again*? 
	"Oh? You're going to hire others to hunt *me* now?" he asked scared and  angry. 
	"Oh, not at all. You see, I'm not the vengeful type, *and* I got a fair  trade for my 
fur. I can account for my behaviour, and perhaps Calamity's,  but I can't guarantee the 
actions of any other predator in the Looniversity. You'd better stay clean, Mister  
*Maximiliano*." 
	No. 
	Never again. 
	"Oh yeah? And who's going to make me?" he said to his face. 
	"I AM." 
	Everyone turned, and saw Mary Melody sitting up in her bed. 
	Her eyes were oddly fierce. 
	"Monty, could you please step closer?" she asked. "I don't think I can talk  very 
loud." 
	The human smirked at the humanmaid. "*You* are going to make *me* stay  
clean? How do you intend on doing that??!!" 
	"Could you please step closer?" she repeated. Montana just stood there in  
contempt, and would have remained there if it weren't for the fact that the  jaguar 
suddenly grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him to the bed. He yelped and 
screamed, but  suddenly hushed when the front of his shirt was grasped and was brought 
eye  to eye with a *very* upset humanmaid. He felt the jaguar release him, but for some 
reason, he couldn't  move. 
	Mary said quietly, yet with a boldness that she had never known, "Monty, we  'bit 
players' have enough to put up with from the 'good guys' without *you*  causing us more 
trouble. And now you *have* caused us more trouble. So be warned that we're *not*  
going to put up with you. The J.A.M. is right: he can account for his and  Calamity's 
behaviour, but not of other predators. And you, more than anyone, know that *humans* 
are predators  as well, so that includes *me*. So he can't account for *my* behaviour if  
you, or your hired help, try anything else. From now on, me and my friends here will take 
The J.A.M.  under our wing and we will *all* look out for him, just as we have looked  
out for each other. So if anything happens to him, *we* will be the first to know, and if 
anything else *does*  happen to him, know that we will go after *you*. And I'll have you 
know that  right now we can take you to court for hunting an endangered species, so be 
sure to tell you hunting  friends that as well! I *saw* you on that building, Monty." 
	A cold shiver ran down the boy's back, and he paled at that statement. 
	After a long and significant pause, Mary added, "J.A.M. may be noble enough  to 
have done business with you out of his own will, but when his fur grows  back, we *all* 
know you might try something again. Only this time, Monty, he'll be under *our*  
protection. So yes, Monty, *this predator* is going to make you stay clean.  If you value 
your safety, and your stay in the Looniversity, that should be incentive enough." 
	Montana shivered. She *did* have a point, but he wasn't going to admit that  
openly. 
	"And if you," continued Mary, "or you, Plucky," she looked at the duck for  a 
moment, "or any hired help of yours *ever* causes more harm to The J.A.M.,  Calamity, 
Beeper, Sneezer, Sweetie, or Lightning, I will *personally* destroy everything that  is 
called," slight pause, "*your face*, *and* I will skin you alive myself  and *feed* you to 
every predator in the Looniversity." 
	The jaguar added, "Or, as we say in Mexico: 
	'No responde chipote con sangre, 
	Sea chico o sea grande.'" 
	Calamity, Beeper, and Lightning would have chuckled at this if they weren't  so 
shocked at Mary's words, and The J.A.M.'s current furlessness. Montana  and Plucky, 
however, were too frightened at this to even *ask* for a translation, but even if they had  
one, they knew it wouldn't be anything comforting. 
	Mary finished, "You're *not* going to treat us like dirt, not anymore,  Mister 
Maximilian. Now, get out of here before I call the police and get you  arrested for illegal 
hunting." Both villains gasped, and suddenly shot out of the room, leaving behind two 
dust  trails. 
	"Panic speed," quipped the jaguar as he saw them leave, "works every time."  He 
then turned and looked at Mary and the doctor who was checking her. "How  is she, 
doc?" he asked. 
	"She's recovering a bit faster than we expected. Must be a surge of  adrenaline 
that's helping the antidote." 
	The panther then turned to his human friend, "Mary, th-thanks for all that,  but—
you really didn't have to say all that to those two." 
	"Yes, I did!" she exclaimed slightly louder. "I heard you all talking and  when you 
mentioned selling your fur, I *had* to say something!" She was now  crying openly 
because of what The J.A.M. had done for her—um—them. "J.A.M., you—you didn't 
have to do  this!! No amount of money is worth you being humiliated like that!! And you  
know Monty could try again!!" 
	Calamity signed, "I teamed up with Montana a few times before, but I  *never* 
stooped so low as to demand something like this from ANY toon!! Have  you any idea 
how long it will take your fur to grow back?" 
	"You didn't have to give him your fur!!" sniffed Sneezer. 
	The J.A.M. looked at them all, and replied calmly, "I didn't." 
	"Huh?" asked all the "bit players," and the doctor. The jaguar suddenly  dropped 
his robe, not giving anyone time to turn away or cover their eyes— 
	"You—you still have your fur!!" exclaimed Mary, though somewhat weakly. The  
others, too, saw that he still had his fur *and* his t-shirt. The J.A.M.  then pulled off the 
pink rubber gloves off his paws, and also pulled off his pink head mask, gently  shaking 
his head fur into place. 
	As he raised his t-shirt a trifle to stuff everything back into his leather  pouch, he 
explained, "Ever since Miss Duff mentioned she wanted my fur, and  seeing that her 
'boyfriend' was going to try anything to get it, I bought a fake fur suit at a flea market.  
I'm glad I cut out the 'Made in Taiwan' tag at the last moment." Once  everything was 
back in his pouch, he straightened his t-shirt, and looked at the others. "Now, those two 
humans  have the matching pyjamas they always wanted. And by 'matching', I mean  
*matching*. The kid got himself *leopard* fur, not *jaguar*, but I doubt either of them 
will notice. Also,  if everyone is treating me like a 'bit player', I also doubt anyone will  
notice that my fur 'grew back' rather quickly, much less that now thanks to you, Mary, 
Mister *Maximiliano* will  try to stay as far away from me as he can." Mary saw him 
smile warmly at  her, and the rest perked up their ears, straightened their necks, and 
swayed their tails once more. 
	"Dat was sneaky, J.A.M.!!" squeaked Lightning. 
	"Well, I got the idea from a Pink Panther cartoon, actually." 
	The Mexican mouse looked at the American mouse with a stunned take, raised  
one eyebrow and lowered one ear, and said, "I suspected dat from de  beegeenneeng." 
	The jaguar continued, "And with the money I got, I'll be able to get a  satellite 
dish and maybe put an underground pool at home. I'll invite you  all, with no 'stars' to 
hound us!!" 
	"But how will you keep the 'stars' from finding out about all this?" asked  Mary. 
	He thought for a moment, looked at her, and replied, "Do you think they'll  
*want* to know what happened in here?" 
	Everyone thought for a moment, and all replied/signed in unison,  "Naaaahhhh!!" 
	Sweetie then flew up to the doctor and asked, "Well, doc, what's Mary's  
condition now?" 
	"Stable and progressing. She seems to be okay now, but we'll keep her  overnight 
for observations. Do you want your other friends to know that?" 
	Friends? 
	Oh, he meant the "stars." 
	Mary replied, "Tell them that I'll be okay." She turned to the others and  
continued, "I should get more attention at school because of this, but I  doubt it will last. 
However, I know *you* all are my *true* friends." All the "bit players" then padded/flew 
up  to her bed, and held her hands. 
	Indeed, this was *true* friendship.

 ONCE  -  COMMENCEMENTS

 
	The next day, Mary stepped out of her room, fully dressed and fully  recovered. 
Her parents were waiting for her in the hall, as was The J.A.M. 
	"J.A.M.? Shouldn't you be in school?" she asked, noticing that it was a  weekday 
morning. 
	"Let's just say that Professor Gonzales pulled a few strings," he replied,  but he 
wasn't smiling, and his ears and tail were low. "I—I just wanted to  see you all okay 
now." 
	It was Mary's turn to sense something amiss. "J.A.M.? What's wrong?" 
	The jaguar looked down and replied, "A lot of things, actually." 
	Mary became slightly frightened at this response. She looked up to her  parents 
and asked, "Mom, Dad? Could you go on ahead, please?" Her parents  looked at each 
other, and silently agreed. They walked off, leaving the humanmaid and the feline  alone. 
	She put one hand on his shoulder and asked, "Don't tell me Monty found a  way to 
get his money back." 
	"No, no, I still have the money. But—perhaps it's not a good idea to invite  you all 
to a pool party." He still wouldn't look up at her. 
	"Huh? Why?" Slowly, they began walking down the hall, and the panther had  his 
paws behind his back. 
	"Mary, I—" Oh dear, he was nervous *and* sad! "I—I'm thinking of  transferring 
out of Acme Looniversity." 
	She straightened up at this. "WHAT??!! What on earth for?? Don't tell me  your 
grades are falling!!" 
	"My grades are perfect," he replied, still looking down. 
	"Then what's the problem?" 
	He sighed, remained quiet for a moment, and replied, "Mary, I had a whole  day 
to think about what happened. Back in Mexico, I didn't have—a lot of  friends. Here, I 
made new friends, and I really like you—uh—you all. I know we need to stick together,  
but—uh—" 
	"But what?" She hated the feeling of being unable to help him, especially  when 
he told her the facts so slowly. 
	"Mary, would you have jumped on me if you weren't my friend?" 
	She was stunned once again, and after thinking several moments, replied,  "Uh—
I—I don't know." 
	"Mary, you forgot to give me some M&M's, and it's because of *candy* that  you 
saw that I was about to be shot. If we hadn't become friends—well—this  wouldn't have 
happened to you." 
	This line of logic was disturbing her. Where was he leading to? "So, what  are you 
saying? You don't want to be my friend anymore?" 
	"Mary—I—I would love——*love* to remain being your friend, but not—not—" 
he  had to swallow the knot that was forming in his throat, "not if being your  friend 
means making you risk your life like that. Calamity or Beeper may have handled it better,  
but you—you—had the possibility of *dying* for me." 
	Mary was suddenly hit full force with what she had done. What had pushed  her 
into risking her life for him? Would she have done that for any of the  others? Or could 
she have been pushed to do what she did by something *more* than just a close 
friendship? 
	"J.A.M., I—I—I told you, 'bit players' have to stick together." That was  what she 
could come up with, so far. 
	"But you never had to pull off a stunt like this before, have you?" 
	"Uh, well, no." And she wondered if the others would ever be in a similar  
position that the jaguar was. 
	"So basically, *I'm* the one who upset the balance. I made you all stand  out, and 
because of that, *all* of us are now Mister *Maximiliano's*  targets. Perhaps—perhaps 
there *is* something good about being unnoticed." 
	Okay, that was just plain WRONG. Her eyes flashed, "J.A.M., please! Do you  
think that *we didn't* know there would be risks if we stood out? We've seen  the others 
take blows from villains, and—yes, it kinda caught me by surprise, but—I guess I knew  
that I had it coming!" 
	The jaguar sighed, "Mary, it's *me*, don't you get it? Mister Maximilian  would 
have never tried this on anyone of you!! I think—I think you all would  be much safer if 
I—went back to Mexico. I know I'm not wanted here, and I don't want to cause more  
trouble, especially for you. I—I really appreciate what you did and said,  but—but—I'm 
not worth that." 
	What???!!! Was he *rejecting* her? 
	"J.A.M., what are you talking about? You're one of the cu—nicest guys I  know!! 
If *anyone* has proven your worth, it's you!! You've helped us all so  much, *you* 
pulled us out of our sulking, and *you* brought the spotlight to us!! And *of course* the  
villains aren't going to stay still at that!!" 
	He caught her gaffe, however. "I never considered myself good looking. The  fact 
that I frighten others, including *you*, kinda proves that. I'm  flattered that you think 
highly of me—because I don't. And the rest of the Tiny Toons don't, either. Miss Loon  
has them all frightened of me because she can sense something that's beyond  her power 
and ability to know. If they're not scared of me as a predator, they're scared of me  
because of what they know that they *don't* know. And right now they all  wish they 
*didn't* know that they don't know. They all kept their distance from you and the rest, 
and now that they  got closer, the things they learned from us—from me—scared them to 
death.  I've *unwillingly* just became a troublemaker at school. And I don't want to be a 
troublemaker, believe me.  And seeing the havoc I caused by making friends, I think it's 
best for  everyone if I transfer and start over, and remain a loner. As for me helping you 
all, maybe I did trigger something  to pull you out of sulking, but remember that it was 
*you* who put all the  effort. I may have had *some* ideas, but *you* worked hard to be 
funny. *You* are the one who got rid of  the blocks. I was just—just there to help—even 
if I hadn't shown  up—Mary—you're strong and innovative, so I see no reason as to why 
you couldn't have pulled the group through—all  by yourself. If I had never come to this 
place, you would *still* have  solved the problem, and you would have never ended up in 
the hospital———which you did———thanks to me." 
	No, this couldn't be happening!! She was about to stop his depressing rant,  no 
matter how logical it sounded, but he continued, "If anyone's a waste of  ink and paint—
—and deserving to be erased——it's———it's *me*, for making you risk your life like  
that." 
	Mary didn't know why, but even though he was practically insulting himself  now, 
it felt as if he was insulting *her*! They were now outside the front  door of the hospital, 
on the sidewalk. Both stopped, and looked at each other. His yellow eyes had a tint  of 
red, and it wasn't because he was angry with her, and she knew that.  "Thanks for being 
my friend, Mary, and thanks for saving my hide." He suddenly hugged her tight, and 
slowly,  she brought her arms around him as well. Her eyes began moistening, too.  "I—
I'll always think of you, and the others." He released her, unwillingly, as she did too. 
"Your parents  need you now. Be happy, and stay loony. Until next time, remember——
—I AM THE  J.A.M.———good evening." 
	He was too depressed to warp away now, so he just turned around,  straightened 
up as best as he could, and padded down the sidewalk, away from  her, from everyone. 
As he did, Mary's eyes began to water, and for some reason, the end theme of "The  
Incredible Hulk" began playing in her head. She looked at him sadly as he  padded away, 
out of her life—er— out of everyone's life—no, bleep it, out of HER life!! 
	She thought, *This can't be happening! Why does it hurt *me* so much? Why  
am I feeling this way about him?? Why is it that I can't let him out of my  life? Is it 
because he thinks he's paying back the favour we all did to him?* He became smaller and  
smaller as he padded further and further away. His head was somewhat down,  his ears 
were totally flat, and his tail was dragging behind him. *Why am I crying for him?? I 
can't POSSIBLY  have any feelings for him!! HE'S NOT A **HUMAN**, FOR 
CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  Why—why do I need him now, if I'm now as loony as the 
rest—AND WHERE IS THAT BLEEPING  MUSIC COMING FROM??* 
	She suddenly turned around, and saw Plucky cheesily playing the  aforementioned 
theme on a piano conveniently placed there for this occasion,  and he was facing away 
from her. Huffing, she stomped behind him, trembling with rage. Remembering her  
lessons, however, she pushed down her anger just enough to focus on thinking  "mallet", 
and then reached behind her back. Sure enough, like a *true* toon, she pulled a mallet 
out of  nowhere, grabbed it with both hands, and raised it high above her. She  waited for 
Plucky to finish, and with impeccable timing, smashed him, and the piano, flat just as he 
played the  last note. She turned and ran to the parking lot, leaving the duck to his  own 
devices. If Plucky was a *true* star, he'd be able to get out of that flat take by himself. 
	When she reached her parents, who were already inside their car, she  gasped, 
"Um, Mom? Dad? I—I think I'll skate home. My b—my friend needs to  talk about some 
stuff." Her parents looked at each other, looked back at her, and nodded. Quickly, she  
pulled out her roller blades out of her pants pocket, thanking God for  learning *that* 
trick just in time for this. She still hadn't mastered the Panic Speed Dash, however, so she 
hurriedly  put on her roller blades and quickly skated to catch up with him. When she  
did, she skidded to a stop in front of him, blocking his path. 
	Before he could say anything, she gasped, "J.A.M.—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—if—if  
you go—I'll—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—go with you!!" 
	The jaguar raised his head and could only say, "¿Qué?" 
	"You—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—heard me!! I—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—always  
said—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—'I've gotta transfer  Looniversities'—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—
but now— [huff—!!—puff—!!]—you gave me a reason—[huff—!!—puff—!!]—to 
stay!!" 
	"But Mary, you already removed the mental blocks and learned how to be  funny 
and loony! You don't need me anymore! What other reason could you  have?" 
	She waited a trifle for her breathing to return to normal, and she looked  into his 
orange eyes, and said, "*You* are my reason. I—I—need you, J.A.M." 
	The jaguar's jaw dropped to the sidewalk with a resounding CLANG. She was a  
trifle shocked when she saw this, but then the jaguar grabbed his tail and  turned it like a 
crank, lifting his jaw back. She helped him by holding his jaw straight and making  sure it 
returned to the correct position. "Let me guess: no one has ever  told you that before?" 
	Still unable to speak, the feline shook his head. "Look, J.A.M., I'm not  afraid of 
you anymore, and that's because I *know* you now. The others will  remain scared 
because of what they know, what they *don't* know, and what they don't *want* to 
know. And  you know something? The bleep with them!! I know the truth—and—I found  
something no one else has. And if I risked my life to save yours, it could be because 
*you're* not a  waste of ink and paint—and because—because I feel—feel——deeply for 
you———and  I'd do it again! Uh—I *am* just a little bit scared, you know. I—I never 
felt this way about  anyone, much less a *non-human*." 
	He straightened his ears at this. "What? Don't tell me someone as hot as  you 
never had a boyfriend before!!" 
	Hot? He thought she was hot? 
	"I—uh—no—I haven't," she blushed, placing her hands behind her, and looking  
at her feet. "And believe me, I've looked. At the last school dance, I had  to date an 
*extra* just so I wouldn't show up alone. And—and—you think I'm hot?" She looked up 
at him,  shyly. 
	His spots began turning red, and it was now his turn to look down, "Yes.  I—I 
sorta felt the same way for you too, but I—pushed those feelings down  because I—I 
thought you'd never feel that way about me *precisely* because of our species  
difference—and I *honestly* thought you already had a boyfriend, at first.  Seeing that 
you didn't, well, I *still* tried to push down my hopes. I'm someone who always gets 
overlooked, even for a 'bit  player'—say, shouldn't you be with your parents?" He looked 
around,  searching for them. 
	She held his furry cheek with her hand to look at his eyes. His fur felt  electric to 
her fingers, and he thought her fingers brought electron flow to  his fur as well. "I—I told 
them I needed to talk with you. It's okay, we can walk home if you like. It isn't  that far." 
	With that said, they both turned and started skating/padding together, and  she 
reached for his left paw and held it firmly. His warm and furry paw  caused her to shiver 
slightly, but she didn't mind. 
	He, too, felt a trifle light-headed with this, but didn't mind that either.  His tail 
lifted off the sidewalk, swaying slightly again. 
	"Where's your bicycle?" 
	"Well, I thought it was going to rain today, so I left it at my house. Your  parents 
gave me a ride to the hospital." 
	"Oh." They skated/padded a bit more, and Mary asked, "J.A.M., you never had  a 
girlfriend at all?" 
	He sighed. "No." 
	"What? Are you serious?" 
	"Yes. Like I told you, I'm simply not a male that gets noticed. Back in  Mexico, 
there have been one or two that more or less had their eye on me at  first, but when they 
got to know me better they simply lost interest. That very much proved to me that there  
is no such thing as 'love at first sight'." 
	Mary turned to him, very surprise. "You don't believe in 'love at first  sight'?" 
	He turned to her. "Well, let me ask you something: did *you* fall in love  with me 
the moment you saw me?" 
	She flinched at that question, and replied sheepishly, "Um—no. I was—I  was—I 
felt—scared. And angry," she stuttered. "You weren't human,  and—and—it's just that 
most of the 'stars' around here *aren't*. There aren't many toons here I can relate to,  you 
know, and you kinda shoved that in my face, you know." 
	He looked ahead again, ears beginning to lower again. "Sorry, I didn't mean  to." 
	"Oh, but it wasn't your fault!" she exclaimed. "It wasn't you, it was me!  We didn't 
know each other—back then." 
	He just sighed. "There you go, then. There is no such thing as 'love at  first sight', 
not *true* love, anyway. There's *infatuation* at first sight,  but if it starts suddenly, it 
can end suddenly. I've seen it happen again and again. That's another reason why I  never 
took personally anything that Mademoiselle LaFume told me. If she did  that to everyone, 
then it was obvious that she had a problem. And let me tell you something: any guy  
*without* morals, ethics, and/or a sense of smell would have probably  grabbed her and 
carried her to the nearest back seat of a car." 
	"And you're not 'any guy', right?" 
	"Right. It's nearly impossible to hold back, of course, but I *will*  emphasise the 
word 'nearly'." 
	"Well, let me tell you something, snookums—" 
	Snookums? 
	His ears straightened at that. 
	"—that's another reason why I don't want you to leave. Fifi and all those  other 
girls made a BIG mistake in rejecting you. There's so much more to you  than what the 
others see. If Babs would have been friendlier and gotten to know you better, besides the  
rest of us, I think Buster might have had serious competition." 
	He turned to her and questioned, "Babs is the pink rabbit, right?" 
	"Right." 
	"YES!" he exclaimed, glad that he finally got a name right. "You want Miss  
Bunny to drop her boyfriend and fall in love with me, then?" 
	"NO!! I mean—no." 
	He turned ahead again. "Good. I'd hate to come between those two. They seem  
happy just as they are." 
	They skated/padded in silence some more, and then he asked her, "Well?" 
	"Well what?" 
	"You said it wasn't love at first sight, and that I scared you at first,  and now I 
don't. What made you change your mind?" 
	She ransacked her brain for an answer for a while, and finally replied,  "I—I don't 
know. Sure, I was scared at first, but that was out of instinct.  But then you showed us 
that you were a caring toon. You protect your friends, you're not out to prove how  macho 
you are, you're not 'any guy'—you—are just someone with so many  hidden—wonderful 
things— and—and—I guess that I would like to get to know them better—to know *you*  
better." 
	He raised an eyebrow for a moment, and asked the ultimate question. "Does  that 
mean that you're in love with me now?" 
	Mary was speechless again, and as she tried to find words as to how she  felt for 
him, she squeezed his paw. 
	He looked ahead and continued, "It's—it's okay if you're not. Don't say  anything 
you don't mean. Falling in love is not something that *just  happens* to you, it's a choice 
you make. It was hard for me, but I chose not to fall in love with you when I  first saw 
you because I didn't want yet another broken heart, much less  break *your* heart." He 
looked at her, and saw that she was still trying to reply. "Mary, it's okay. You don't have  
to answer now. Since you want to get closer, well, it's important that first  we both know 
just what exactly it is that we feel for each other. So what do you say we start things 
slow, and go  on from there?" 
	Mary closed her mouth and shut her eyes, still trying to think. Finally,  she opened 
them again, looked at him, and replied, "J.A.M., all I know is  that I always want you 
near me, and I couldn't *bear* to see you leave like that. You gave me a reason to stay  in 
the Looniversity, and—and—right now, I don't ever want to let you out of  my sight or 
my mind. If *that* is what falling in love is, then so be it. I know that I didn't feel like 
this  when I first saw you, but as I got to know you, I got these feelings that  began 
growing, and are *still* growing. J.A.M., I *want* to fall in love with you. Do—do you 
want to fall in love  with me?" 
	He sighed, lowered his ears and tail, and looked down, "I've wanted to more  than 
you can imagine. And I suppose I'm a bit scared as well. I—I never felt  so intensely like 
this before about *anyone*, much less a human female. Mary, I've never *truly*  fallen 
in love before, but if you're willing to give me a chance, then—" he  looked at her, "—
then I'd—I— I'm willing." 
	Something exploded inside the humanmaid at this point, as if everything was  
right with the universe now. "Okay, but like you said, let's take things  slow, and go on 
from here, and—" brown eyes looked into orange eyes again, "—and we can start with 
me  thanking you—for staying here with us———with me—————" 
	Both stopped, and she let go of his paw. Gently, she put her right arm  around his 
shoulder, and pulled him close. His ears lowered just a trifle  more, but his tail was 
twitching. Both closed their eyes, and their lips softly touched. 
	It was a very light and short kiss, but that didn't stop either of them  from feeling 
and hearing fireworks, and that was because Calamity had  conveniently set off a small 
display of pyrotechnics at this point. He looked at the couple from across the street,  and 
smiled. 
	This was certainly going to bring good things.

 EPÍLOGO UNO  -  RECOGNITION

 
	A secretary, a lavender female rabbit, textile-free save for a scrunchie on  the base 
of her ears, sat at her desk outside a doctor's office. She looked  up when she saw the 
door open and a purple skunkmaid enter rather shyly. Carefully, the memphitid closed  
the door, and padded slowly to the desk. The patient's gaze was down, as  were her ears 
and tail, as if she were afraid of something, or someone. 
	"May I help you?" The doe's sudden question startled the skunkmaid, and she  
fidgeted for a moment or two. After trying to calm her nerves for a minute,  she raised her 
gaze slightly, and replied, "Oui, j'ai un rendez-vous avec—" She shuddered for a  
moment, forcibly switching her speech patterns from French to English. She  always 
reverted to her native tongue whenever she was nervous. "Um, *pardon*, but—Ah—Ah 
'ave  ze—appointment—wiz ze doctor." 
	Mechanically, the secretary reached for her Rolodex and asked, "I see. And  your 
name is—?" 
	The skunkmaid stuttered, "L-LaFume." 
	The secretary raised one eyebrow when she found the appropriate card. 
	"Ah, yes, you're just in time, Mademoiselle LaFume," she replied, smiling  and 
looking up at her. She then pressed a button on her intercom and said,  "Doctor, your four 
o'clock appointment is here." 
	A female voice crackled back, "Okay, send her in." 
	The secretary looked up and stated, "The doctor will see you now." 
	Nervously nodding, Fifi padded toward the door. "Bon jour." The skunkmaid  
suddenly whirled toward the smiling doe again, startled at the French  phrase. Sighing 
forcefully, Fifi turned and continued. She practically had to drag herself to the door, and  
then she carefully reached for the doorknob, almost as if it was going to  shock her. But it 
didn't. Slowly, she turned it, and opened the door. 
	Inside, the doctor was at her desk. She was a brown cat with black curly  hair, 
somewhat plump, and with spectacles on her nose. Like every other  doctor, she was clad 
in a long white lab coat. She looked up when Fifi slowly entered. Carefully, the  
memphitid closed the door again, and padded up to the doctors' desk. 
	"And what seems to be the problem?" asked the feline, smiling a trifle. 
	"Je m'appelle—" Again, Fifi shivered, trying to think straight, and to  speak more 
or less coherently and in *English*, so the doctor would be able  to understand her 
problem. "Ah mean—uh—doctor—my name—my name—" 
	 "Yes?" asked the cat lady, perking up her ears and leaning closer. 
	"My name—my name—ees Fifi LaFume—" Collapsing into the seat in front of 
the  desk, she broke down in sobs, hid her face with her paws, and confessed,  "—and Ah 
'ave ze 'ormonal problem…"

 EPÍLOGO DOS  -  SERENATA

 
	It was a clear night in Acme Acres. Two toons padded around a building; to  the 
alley that was under the fire escape. Well, one was doing all the  padding, and the other 
was standing on the head of the first toon. The J.A.M. looked at his watch. 
	20:00 
	"Okay, she should be done with her homework now," he told Lightning, who  was 
standing on his head and holding a mouse-sized guitar. "Now, remember.  She's an 
American, so this is most likely her first serenade ever, so we gotta make this good, you  
hear?" 
	"Okay," replied the rodent. "So what songs do joo want to seeng?" 
	The jaguar thought for a moment, and replied, "Well, perhaps we should  start 
with something that *we* know. Maybe give her a taste of where *we*  come from. 
Something, well, *autochthonous*." 
	Lightning lowered his ears, looked down at him for a moment, and asked,  "Otto-
what?" 
	"Autóctono," he translated. 
	"Oh, okay! No problem!" He then tuned his guitar for a moment, and strummed  a 
few chords, before looking up to a particular window, and singing, "*¡Ay,  ay, ay ay!*" 
	Recognising the song, The J.A.M. also looked up and joined in, 
	"*¡Canta y no llores! 
	Porque 
	Cantado se ALEGRAN, Cielito Lindo, 
	¡¡Los corazones!!*" 
	"Now, waittaminute;" he interrupted. Lightning stopped playing, and looked  
down. "We both know that's a great song, but unfortunately, we haven't—" 
	He hushed when he realised that he was hearing a whiny fiddle *still*  playing the 
instrumental version of "Cielito Lindo". Then they both looked  to their left and saw none 
other than Droopy, dressed as a bullfighter, sawing slowly on his fiddle. Both  Mexicans 
looked at each other, and then the jaguar's fur turned slightly  red, he flattened his ears, 
and took a few steps back, apparently letting Droopy have the floor. Moments later, a 
swift  kick sent the dog flying to the next county. 
	"Hey, I tought joo deedn't play sports!!" exclaimed Lightning. 
	"I don't," he replied, taking his place again and relaxing his features. 
	"Don't tell me joo *deedn't* learn dat keeck from soccer!" 
	"I didn't. Bicycling also gives you good legs, you know." He thought for a  
moment, and then asked Lightning, "What was I talking about?" 
	The mouse repeated, 
	"'We botth know dat's a grett song, bott unforchoonattly, we haven't…'" 
	"—We haven't—!" he suddenly picked up, "—mastered the art of subtitles just  
yet, so Mary won't have any idea of what we're saying if we sing in Spanish.  We need to 
sing something she can understand. You know, something she can identify with."  
Lightning thought for a moment again, and strummed his guitar on a lower  note and a 
slower tempo. Then he sang, 
	"*Hey—ey—ey—ey!!*" The jaguar joined in, 
	"*Hey—ey—ey!! 
	I said 'Hey! 
	What's going on?!'*" 
	Lightning tried to continue, 
	"*And I said hey—* 
	"Hold it." The mouse stopped again, lowering his ears. "Maybe it should be  
something deeper. Perhaps, you know, something that will tell her who I  *really* am." 
	Without missing a beat, Lightning raised his ears again and sang, 
	"*De wonderful teeng about Teeggers! 
	Ees Teegers are wonderful teengs! 
	Deir—*" 
	"NO!!" growled The J.A.M., flattening his ears and bristling his fur. His  tail 
twitched in annoyance as well. "I'm not a stuffed Tigger, I'm a JAGUAR,  *tonto*! Try 
again. Something that tells her who *I really am*." 
	Lightning took a deep breath, and strummed at the beat of the song, 
	"*Hey! 
	Hey! 
	Hey hey hey!! 
	Macho, macho maaaaaan! 
	I gat to be—*" 
	"NOOOOO!!!" he practically roared, his fur now turning red and his tail  looking 
like a brush. "Now quit fooling around!!" The jaguar breathed  heavily for a moment, and 
calmed down. "Let's try something easier for you. How about a song that says who  
*Mary* really is? And no jokes, compadre!!" 
	Lightning decided to give his friend a break, and played another  instrumental, 
this time a trifle long before he launched, 
	"*Pretty woman, walkeeng down de street,*" 
	The jaguar reset his features and joined him, looking to her window and  swaying 
to the music, 
	"*Pretty woman, the kind I'd like to meet, 
	Pretty woman—*" 
	"Hold it." Lightning was about to start the next line, but it was too late.  "Look. 
That's a good one, but somehow it just doesn't feel right. Ummm,  let's see. Try a song 
that will tell her just how *she* makes *me* feel." 
	Lightning looked down at him for a moment, lowered his ears in annoyance,  
looked up again, and played something hard and rhythmic. He sang, 
	"*Deezy! 
	Deezy!*" His friend joined in, swaying again, 
	"*Dizzy! 
	I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning! 
	Like a whirlpool, it never ends! 
	And it's you girl who's making it spin! 
	You're making me—*" 
	"Waittaminute." Once again, Lightning stumbled to a stop. His tail was  twitching 
now. "I think Mary already knows how she makes me feel, but I  *know* that *she's* not 
so sure about what *she* feels. Let's try something that can help her figure out  just how 
*she* feels *about* me." Lightning smirked, and strummed  rhythmically again, and 
shouted, 
	"*Oh, Meecky, joo're so fine, 
	Joo're so fine joo blow my mind— 
	Hey, Meecky! Hey, Meeck---!!*" 
	"NOOOO!" he interrupted, his features angering again. "And my name's not  
Mickey!! Look, Lightning, I'm not sure you're getting the right idea for  this. Maybe you 
should try a song that can hint what we *both* want. You know, a song that can say what  
we *both* truly feel for each other." 
	Lightning wiped his paws on his shirt for a moment, thinking about this  
particular request. Suddenly a light bulb popped over his head as his face  lit up and his 
ears straightened again. He had the perfect song now, 
	"*I saw joo and joo saw me—*" The J.A.M. joined in again, with calm  features 
now, 
	"*And I didn't even know your name. 
	Just one look—that was all it took, 
	And I knew I'd never be the same.*" They paused for a moment, and  continued, 
	"*If walking on air compares to what I feel, 
	Then how can I keep it sealed when— 
	I wanna tell the world!! 
	If the smile on my face 
	Hasn't given me away—already—*" 
	"Wait, wait, wait," The mouse stumbled to a halt again, now more than  slightly 
annoyed, as his ears and tail showed. "Sorry, Lightning, but  somehow this just isn't 
working. All those are nice songs, but—well, I guess they're all pre-assembled, you 
know?  I suppose—I suppose I want Mary to hear it straight from *me*. You know, a  
song that *I* can come up with." 
	"But J.A.M., joo don't have enny songs of joor own!" 
	"No, but perhaps we can improvise." 
	"Eemprovise?" asked the Mexican mouse, raising his ears. 
	"Sure. Look, I know I'm not good at writing music, much less playing the  guitar. 
However, I *am* good at verses. And you're good at improvising with  music, right?" 
	"Right." 
	"Okay, okay, then! This is what we'll do: I'll say a verse, and you repeat  it while 
putting it to music. Can you do that?" 
	The mouse sighed and thought again. It was the first time someone had asked  
him to use this particular talent, so he smiled and replied, "Joo bet I  can!!" 
	"Hey, great!! Now, start with something romantic, and slow. Then I'll  begin, and 
you sing what I say." He then set off the tempo, "¡Y uno, y dos,  y tres!" 
	Lightning then strummed and fingered an improvised slow tune, which hinted  of 
Mexican romantic music. Both looked up, and saw that Mary was now at her  window, 
looking down at them. How long had she been listening? Well, now that they were both  
sure they had her attention, they *had* to do this right. Once The J.A.M.  assimilated the 
rhythm, he began, 
	"For being a bouquet of roses." Lightning sang loud, 
	"*For beeng a bookay of roses,*" 
	"For being sweetness so true," 
	"*For beeng sweetness so troo,*" Gesturing toward her, the jaguar declared, 
	"For being a nest of tenderness, 
	Oh, Mary, I love you." And Lightning sang, 
	"*For beeng a nest of tenderness, 
	O, Mery, I lovv joo.*" He then waited for The J.A.M.'s next line, but it  never 
came. Stopping the music and looking down, he saw that the jaguar had  his arms 
crossed, his ears were down, he was tapping his right foot-paw impatiently, and he was 
looking at  him with slight annoyance. Realising his mistake, Lightning started the  music 
again and corrected, 
	"*Um, o Mery, he lovvs joo.*" Nodding at his correction, the jaguar relaxed  and 
continued, 
	"Love me like I love thee." 
	"*Lovv heem like he lovvs—*" Suddenly Lightning stopped the music again,  
looked down, and asked, "'Dee'?" Quickly, The J.A.M. explained in a whisper, 
	"Yes, 'thee' and 'thou' is the old way of saying 'you'. 'Thy' and 'thine'  are 'your' 
and 'yours'." 
	Lightning nodded, looked up again, and sang, 
	"*Lovv heem like he lovvs joo.*" 
	"And everyone will envy our love." 
	The mouse hesitated for a moment, and in a flash reformatted the line, 
	"*And—uh—all of us weell envy de lovv joo have.*" The J.A.M. appeared to  
ignore that, because he continued, 
	"Oh, my love, my Mary." 
	"*Oh, hees love, hees Mery.*" 
	"My brightest diamond." 
	"*Hees brightest——joor-amond.*" This raised an eyebrow on the jaguar, but  he 
continued anyway, 
	"My thousand stars, thou will be forever in my mind." 
	"*Hees joo-sand stars, joo will be forever een hees—hees-nd.*" Oh well, at  least 
Mary is hearing *both* of them and not just the mouse. 
	"Won't thou come down?" 
	"*Wonn't joo comm June—I meen—Mery?*" 
	"Because I want thou near me." 
	"*Beecause he wants Junior—eh--Mery heem.*" 
	"Fear not this diabolic world." 
	"*Feer not dees joor-aboleec world.*" 
	"Our might will quash it, it won't have us bound!" 
	"*Joor—hees-t weel quash eet, eet won't have joo two bound!*" 
	Up at the window, Mary was covering her mouth, trying not to guffaw at  their 
gaffes. By now, however, The J.A.M. was not really paying attention to  Lightning and 
was really into the poem, as it was evident from the next verse, 
	"Thou are so deep in my heart," 
	"*Joo are so deep—*" Suddenly he interrupted Lightning and continued, 
	"I don't know if I'm either mine or thine." 
	"*Joo are so deep—*" 
	"If thou would love me the way that I love thee." Lightning tried to sing,  but the 
jaguar wouldn't pause. He flattened his ears and squeaked lightly in  panic. 
	"That which is mine would become thine, and ours! 
	And it would become the object of envy for them and all!" Lightning  frowned, 
stiffened his tail, looked down at the jaguar for a moment, looked  up again, and just 
sang, 
	"*Lovv heem!!*" The J.A.M. caught his mistake, looked up at Lightning and  
mouthed an apology. He let the mouse play a brief instrumental while both  relaxed their 
features and assimilated the rhythm again. Then, the jaguar continued, 
	"Thou art my stamina." 
	"*Joo are heestameena.*" 
	"My jubilee." 
	"*Hees dou Beelly—um—dou, Mery." 
	"Please descend, and share thy gifts, more so those which are thine  innate." 
	"*Pleese deescend, and share joor geefts, more so dose wheech are  jooreenate.*" 
	"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" roared the jaguar, his features instantly angering, at  
this unspeakable slip. 
	Lightning just smiled and repeated at the beat, 
	"*Nooooo—wo—*" 
	The feline clenched his fists, puffed up his tail, and growled, "You  dummy!!!" 
	The mouse looked up and sang, 
	"*Dou dummy!*" 
	He was now trembling with rage, and his fur was turning red, almost  blotting out 
his black spots, "You idiot!!!" 
	"*Dou eedeeot!*" 
	The J.A.M. then mumbled something in Spanish that Mary couldn't hear, and  
silently brandished a mallet from behind him. 
	Since Lightning was standing on his head, he caught the comment loud and  clear, 
and translated, "*Son of my modder—*" 
	In a flash, The J.A.M. slammed the mallet on Lightning, but the mouse was  too 
quick. Jumping off at the last moment, the jaguar ended up bashing his  own head 
instead. Pulling the mallet off a moment later, his head popped out from inside his chest, 
and  Lightning landed on it again. Little mice twirled around the panther's head,  but 
vanished after a moment. He sighed in resignation, relaxed his ears, tail, and fur, and set 
the mallet  on the ground. Then, he gently picked Lightning off his head, who was still  
strumming happily on his guitar, and set him down on the ground. He turned and was 
about to pad away, but at that  moment, his eyes rolled up into his head, and with a 
double thud, he fell  forward, spread-eagle. Lightning ended his song in beat to the 
double thud. Seeing this, Mary gasped, jumped  out the window, and bounced down the 
fire escape. This evening, she was clad  in her orange dress shirt, red bow, and blue jeans. 
Moments later, she was beside the felled feline. 
	"Oh dear, I hope he's not seriously hurt." 
	"Oh, don't worree, Mery. He's jost crazee for joo." Looking down at him, he  
added, "Do joo want to coll de guys to take heem homm?" 
	Home? 
	Mary looked up for a moment, pondering her options, and then smiled. She  stood 
up straight, pulled out a remote control, and stepped away from The  J.A.M. She then 
pressed a button on the remote, and moments later a 500 ton weight fell out of  nowhere, 
right on top of the furry toon, with a CLANG that resounded all  over the alley. The 
weight instantly flattened him, except for his head. His eyes bulged as he forcibly 
exhaled. 
	"*Ay*," he whispered with a clearly strained effort. 
	Smiling, Mary pressed another button, and then a winch came down from  
nowhere and lifted the weight out of everyone's way. Education works  wonders, she 
thought. When it had cleared, she walked behind the jaguar. 
	Raising one eyebrow and lowering his ears a trifle, Lightning asked, "What  are 
joo goeeng to do weeth heem?" 
	Smiling again, Mary rolled up The J.A.M., like a carpet, and lifted him on  her left 
shoulder. "Well, you know that Elmyra and Monty always wanted those  matching 
pyjamas?" 
	"Jess?" 
	She chuckled a trifle, and explained, "Well, I always wanted an exotic  rug." She 
turned and walked back to the front of her building. 
	"Joo meen he's goeeng to stay weeth joo all night?" 
	She turned and replied, "Well, yes, but in this situation, I don't think  he'll mind 
sleeping on the floor." 
	Lightning raised his ears and chuckled a trifle, calling out as she left, 
	"He he!! I don't teenk *joo'll* mind dat, eeder!!" 
	Turning at him again, she smirked and stuck out her tongue at him, but  smiled 
again as she turned and headed to the door. 
	"Good evening, Lightning." 
	"Good eeveneeng, Mery." 
	Before she walked into the front door, Mary turned and looked at the  camera, and 
commented with a wink, "It's okay, guys, my parents are home."  With that, she carried 
him inside, the door closed behind her, and the screen irised out on the door.

 THE END / DAS ENDE / DIE EINDE / EINDE / EL FIN / O FIN / LE FIN / IL FINE /  
SFIRSIT / KONIEC / KONEC / BEIGAS / LOPPU / TELOS / SOF / TAMAT / LIAU 
LIAU  / DANEH O' / WAN-LE / OWARIMASU / SLUTT / SLUT / UXUL

 ENCORE

 
	The audience cheered and clapped as the camera zoomed out of the front door  of 
the apartment building. Then, the door opened, and two humans walked out,  hand in 
hand, with the door closing automatically behind them. The audience cheered harder (and 
a  few even boo'ed) as two subtitles appeared in front of the humans:

Danny Cooksey Cree Summer Franks


	Montana Max and Elmyra smiled, bowed, and walked to the right. 
	Suddenly the door burst open. Prancing out, a purple skunkmaid generated  more 
cheers and wolf calls as she blew kisses to the audience.

Kath Soucie


	Fifi LaFume took a bow with a flourish of her luscious tail, and skipped to  the 
right to join the humans. 
	The door opened again, and two avians waddled out, smiling and taking a bow  as 
the audience cheered:

Joe Alaskey Gail Matthius


	Plucky and Shirley raised their wings, and also waddled off to the right. 
	Then, a young coyote and roadrunner padded out, smiling. The audience  cheered 
for them as their names appeared:

Calamity Coyote as Himself Little Beeper as Himself


	They both took a bow, and padded to the left this time, clearing the front  door 
again. However, it didn't open. Instead, a pink canarymaid flew down  from the building, 
carrying a young mouse on her feet. They couldn't bow, so they just smiled, and the  
mouse waved at everyone. The audience cheered for them as well:

Candi Milo Kath Soucie


	Sweetie flew Sneezer to the left and landed in front of Calamity and  Beeper. 
	The door opened one more time, and a very fast young mouse zoomed out and  
suddenly stopped in front of the door, vibrating momentarily as he halted.

Luke Ruegger


	He bowed, accepting the increased cheers, but then he suddenly straightened  up, 
raising an index digit, with an expression of suddenly having remembered  something. He 
zoomed back inside the building, and moments later he zoomed back out, carrying a  
flattened and rolled-up jaguar. The audience laughed, and even more when  Calamity 
padded up with a large gas tank and a long hose attached to the valve on top of it. He 
stuck one  end of the hose to the jaguar's mouth, and opened the valve on the tank. The  
jaguar's cheeks puffed out as he inflated, involuntarily unrolling as he filled out. But 
Calamity didn't shut  off the valve when he finished unrolling. Instead, he opened the 
valve all  the way, making the jaguar swell like a balloon, and making his colouring shiny 
and less intense as he stretched  more and more. His whiskers even puffed out 
ridiculously as his body began  floating. Guffaws were now coming from the toons as 
well as from the audience. Suddenly, the air hose  popped out of the jaguar's mouth, and 
with a cacophonic "raspberry," he  whirled all over the place as he deflated. A few 
seconds later, all the excess air was gone and he fell to  the ground, arms crossed. One 
instant before his head hit the ground,  however, he stopped in mid-air with a light tire 
screech sound, flipped 180 degrees, and landed softly on his foot-paws.  The audience 
cheered for him as he raised his paws and tried to catch his  breath.

The J.A.M. as Himself


	He took a quick bow and hurriedly padded to the left. Extending his arms  toward 
the door, it opened for the last time. Smoke billowed out and  spotlights flashed on the 
doorway. A drum roll hushed everyone, but then everyone laughed as the drum rolled in  
front of the door, and then out of everyone's way. 
	This time, the cheers and standing ovation was deafening as a young  African-
American humanmaid slowly walked out, tears in her eyes.

and Cree Summer Franks as Mary Melody!


	Humbled and surprised, all she could do was bow and blow light kisses to  the 
audience, and wave her hands high. Even the "bit players" were clapping  and whistling 
for her as they all padded behind and around her. Mary's tears of joy would not stop.  
Turning to the jaguar, she suddenly hugged him tight. Then, she and all the  "bit players" 
stood across the front of the building, hand/wing/paw in hand/wing/paw: Lightning 
Rodriguez, Little  Sneezer, Sweetie Bird, Little Beeper, Mary Melody, The J.A.M., and 
Calamity  Coyote. They took one last bow as the audience now threw flowers at Mary 
and the rest. 
	At this point, Dot Warner, wearing a sparkling blue gown, padded in from  the left 
and handed Mary a bouquet of roses. Taking a bow herself and  accepting the cheers and 
applause the audience gave her, she calmly left as suddenly as she entered. 
	And again, the crowd chanted, "MARY!!! MARY!!! MARY!!! MARY!!! 
MARY!!!" 
	With all this, Mary could only say one last thing: 
	"THANK YOU!! WE LOVE YOU!! GOD BLESS YOU!!! GO WITH GOD!! 
GOOD NIGHT!!" 	The lights went out, and the cheers and applause faded away after 
a long while…


GLOSSARY (phrases and terms are in chronological order)


Spanish/French					English
"¿Eres Mexicano?"					"Are you Mexican?"
"¡Ese mi carnal!"					"Yo, brother!"
"¿De veras eres de México?"				"Are you really from Mexico?
"Sí. ¿Tu también?"					"Yes. You too?"
"Sí, pero nadie lo sabe,"				"Yes, but no one knows."
Pato							Duck
"No. ¡¡Y no me caen bien los Chilangos, tampoco!!"	"No. And I don't like 
							Chilangos, either!!"
Chilango						Someone born in Mexico City
Instituto Mexicano De La Comedia			Mexican Comedy Institute
Guanajuato						Important city in the Mexican central 
							plateau. Also the Guanajuato State 
							capital
Heroica Nogales, Sonora				City adjacent to Nogales, Arizona
"Oui. Parle-tu Français aussi?"			"Yes. Do you speak French, too?"
"Un petit. J'ai un peu de pratique."			"A little. I have a bit of practice."
"Cette proposition paraît intéressant."		"That proposition seems interesting."
"Quelle?"						"What?"
"No contaba con mi astucia."				"He didn't count on my cleverness."
Compadre						"Friend", literally: "co-father",
							originally the witness in a 
							baby's baptism, usually the father's
							best friend, sometimes used 
							sarcastically.
Guácala						Yuck
Pistola							Pistol, gun
Zorrilla						Female skunk
Rayos							Literally: "rays" or "lightning". Mild 
							expletive, closest equivalent to
							"darn" or"heck"
"Nos vemos mañana."					"See you tomorrow."
"¡Híjole!"						Similar to "Yeeha!" also used when 
							the speaker is shocked or surprised
Gracias						Thanks
"¿Qué quieres?"					"What do you want?"
"Entrega de pizza para ti, Chilango."			"Pizza delivery for you, Chilango."
"¿Qué? ¡Yo no pedí ninguna pizza!"			"What? I didn't order any pizza!"

"Es una entrega especial. Tu muy querida amiga	"It's a special delivery. Your very 
pagó por la pizza. Tómala como un favor de ella."	special friend paid for the pizza.Take
							it as a favour from her."
"¿*Cuál* amiga?"					"*Which* friend?"

"Pues te daré una pista. No fue ni Elmyra, ni Babs,	"Well, I'll give you a clue. It was
ni Shirley, ni Fifi, ni Sweetie."			 neither Elmyra, nor Babs, nor 
							Shirley, nor Fifi, nor Sweetie."
"Nos vemos esta noche."				"See you tonight."

"¡Espérate! ¿Cómo que 'esta noche'?			"Wait! What do you
¿¡De qué hablas!?"					mean 'tonight'? What are you talking
							about!?"
Conejos gringos					Gringo rabbits
Gringo							Term for those who spoke a foreign
							language, especially English 
							and German, or the language itself.
Menzo							Dummy, jerk, dweeb
Por favor						Please
Pantalones						Pants
"No responde chipote con sangre, Sea chico		"[He/she] won't be held responsible
o sea grande."						for a bloody bruise, be it big or be it 
							small," rhyme used when the speaker 
							is being deliberately provoked to 
							anger

Qué							What
"¡Ay, ay, ay ay!					Oh, wo, wo, wo!
¡Canta y no llores!					Sing and don't cry!
Porque							Because

Cantado se ALEGRAN, Cielito Lindo,		Singing, THEY REJOICE
Cielito Lindo 						(term of endearment: "Nice Little
							Heaven"),
Los corazones!!"					The hearts!"
Tonto							Fool
"¡Y uno, y dos, y tres!"				"And a one, and a two, and a three!"
Ay							Ow (normally a cry of pain, 
							sometimes used poetically)


CREDITS AND BLOOPERS


The reason why I have Calamity and Little Beeper as Mexicans is because in 
the episode "Piece of Mind", written by Jim Reardon, at the beginning of 
Calamity's flashback, the mailbox in front of his lair reads "Los Coyotes". Since
Little Beeper was born in that area as well, he also qualifies for Mexican citizenship.


*******
	Slamming her locker shut slightly harder than usual, Mary Melody trudged 
toward her next class—
	—and the locker opened again.
	"CUT!!!" Mary suddenly turned and saw it, and chuckled.
*******


The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave 
Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

Hamton J. Pig, however, was created by Jeff Pidgeon.

Hubie and Bertie were created by Charles Martin "Chuck" Jones.

Kwicky Koala and Droopy were created by Tex Avery.

Bombino's Pizza was originally created by Sherry Stoner.

Bugs Bunny was created by Tex Avery.

Sniffles was created by Chuck Jones.

Bosko was created by Hugh Harman and Rudy Ising, a.k.a., "Harman-Ising".

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner were created by Tom Ruegger.


*******
	He padded to the frame, lowered his ears, put his notebook in his jaws, 
stood on his toes, and stretched as high as he could. He extended his claws, 
and scratched the frame several
times—
	—and stopped, for some reason. He then pulled his left paw a bit, and 
declared with a strange voice, "Ugh, I am stuck!!" Then with his normal 
voice, "Um, cut, I guess. A little help here?"
*******


All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment (and used without 
permission, but it's doubtful that they mind) EXCEPT FOR:

Kwicky Koala, who is © Hanna-Barbera Productions.

Street Hawk is © Glen Larson Productions/Universal.

Droopy, who is © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

and The J.A.M. and Cygmon, who are © The J.A.M.


*******
	He pulled out a pair of spectacles, placed them on his nose, held the note 
in front of him, and read, imitating Bugs, "Ehh, youse mices bedda make 
arrangements for da new transfer student." Bertie smiled and suddenly held his
mouth shut, making Hubie smile. "All his documents are in ordah," he began
chuckling, "and he's reddy t—PA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!"
	The entire class laughed too, especially when Hubie whacked him anyway.
	The jaguar peeked from the door, smirked, looked at the camera, and just 
sighed, "Cut…"
*******
	The jaguar looked at the mice, and declared emotionlessly, "Good evening."
	At which the mice spat and began laughing again, making the class laugh 
too. Sighing, the jaguar just turned and made the "cut" gesture with his digits.
*******


Props by Acme Co.


Bicycle furnished by Montero.


Mary Melody's wardrobe furnished by Oscar de la Renta.


The J.A.M.'s wardrobe furnished by Yazbek, and Casio.


Montana Max's wardrobe furnished by Pierre Cardin, and Rolex.


M&M's furnished by Mars.


Yoghurt furnished by Yoplait.


*******
	"What? Shirley, don't tell me you didn't notice the way he was looking at 
us with that hungry mouth of his—er, eyes! Yeah! Hungry—" By now, the class 
was laughing again, and the jaguar was padding backward to his initial position.
	"CUT," was all he could say, through his teeth.
*******


Ballistics consultant: Kevin "HKU" Mickel.


*******
	Hubie continued with, "Exactly. Twin or Parallel personalities in the 
partnership are possible, like you saw with Mac and Tosh, but that 
combination practically *always* needs a strong villain in order to have
balance, since the partnership functions as one person, almost. Also,
Plucky," the duck snapped to attention again, "you're right. A sidekick
should always hold the cue cards correctly for scenes like this and—"
	"CUT!!!" roared the panther.
*******
	This was confusing the jaguar.  "Huh—? I'm—not—wearing———any——!!!—
things——" 
Elmyra shook her head and chuckled, "——of that——sort!! Um, cut.
From the top, guys!"
*******
	At this question, everyone in the cafeteria hushed and leaned toward the 
"bit players'" table to listen to the answer, including the cafeteria 
workers.
	Noticing this, the panther lowered his features in slight fright, and 
replied, "When E.F. Hutton talks, people listen." Everyone "sheeshed", and 
straightened up.
	"Okay, cut."
*******


Original casting by Steven Spielberg.

Additional casting by The J.A.M.

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.


Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks
Buster Bunny is Charles Adler
Babs Bunny is Tress MacNeille
Bugs Bunny is Noel Blanc
Hubie Mouse is also Noel Blanc
Bertie Mouse is Stan Freberg
Elmyra Duff is Cree Summer Franks
Plucky Duck is Joe Alaskey
Shirley The Loon is Gail Matthius
Lightning Rodriguez is Luke Ruegger
Calamity Coyote is Himself
Little Beeper is Himself
Hamton J. Pig is Hadley Kay
News Announcer is Wolf Blitzer
Sniffles Mouse is also Noel Blanc
Bosko the Vault Keeper is Carman Maxwell
Roderick Rat is also also Charles Adler
Rhubella Rat is also Tress MacNeille
The Doctor is Susan Blu
Dot Warner is also Tress MacNeille

and

The J.A.M. is  Himself


*******
	"Good evening."
	She nearly threw her milkshake to the ceiling upon hearing that—and she 
did, actually. Moments later, it fell right on the jaguar's head, drenching 
him. Everyone laughed, but then Mary squealed as The J.A.M. stood, leaned over,
grabbed her, and gave her a messy kiss on the lips.
	He then released her, and as he padded off, he mumbled, "Cut…"
*******


Special appearances by Leloni Bunny as the rabbit secretary, and Rottin 
Kid/Werekitty as the feline doctor.

Hamton J. Pig appears courtesy of Oscar Meyer, Inc.

Vinnie The Deer does *not* appear in this fanfic courtesy of Kevin Mickel.


*******
	The jaguar thought about this, straightened his ears, and stood to face the 
"bit players"—
	[THUD!!!]
	And slammed his thigh on the desk.
	"Ouch," he hissed, while making the "cut" gesture as everyone laughed.
*******


The "No relation" line was originally conceived and written by Paul Dini and 
Sherry Stoner.

"Hold That Duck" and "Frankenmyra" were written by Peter Hastings, Paul 
Dini, Paul Rugg, and Rich Arons.

The episode Mary first refers to is "Cross Country Kitty", and it was 
written by Eddie "Narf" Fitzgerald.

The episode where Lightning Rodriguez was *supposed* to appear in is "High 
Toon", and it was written by Chuck Menville.

The episode where Sneezer got the earful is "Phone Call From the 405", and 
it was written by Tom Ruegger.

The "Saturday Night Live" spoof was "Weekday Afternoon Live", and it was 
written by Dini & Oliver.

The phrase "A Hard Day's Night" was originally conceived by, who else, John 
Lennon and Paul McCartney—ahem, sorry: *Sir* John Lennon and *Sir* Paul 
McCartney.

The "Street Hawk" intro was originally conceived and written by Glen A. 
Larson.

Mary's final exclamation was originally said by Greg "X" Volz.



*******
	The "stars" of Tiny Toons arrived at Weenie Burgers, like they mostly did 
after school. Buster, as always, led them to their usual booth—
	—but suddenly stopped in his tracks, making everyone else pile up into him—
	[THUD!!!]
	—and made him fall, again with everyone piled up on top of him.
	"Hey, what gives?" asked Babs, annoyed.
	The J.A.M. leaned into the frame and said, "Cut…"
*******


Music directed by Richard Stone and John Van Tongren.


"The Lonely Man" (End Theme of "The Incredible Hulk") is © 1999 Studio 
Tracks Music Group. Written by Joe Harnell. Performed by Plucky Duck. Used 
without permission.

"Cielito Lindo" is Public Domain. Written by Quirino Mendoza y Cortéz. 
Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"What's Going On" is © 1996 BMG Records. Written by Lynda Perry. Performed 
by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"The Tigger Song" is © 1974 Disney Records. Written by Richard M. Sherman 
and Robert B. Sherman. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Macho Man" is © 1978 Casablanca Records. Written by Jacques Morali, Henri 
Belolo, Victor Willis, and Peter Whitehead. Performed by Luke Ruegger. Used 
without permission.

"Pretty Woman" is © 1964 Virgin Records. Written by Roy Orbison. Performed 
by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Dizzy" is © 1991 R&M Records. Written by Tommy Roe. Performed by The J.A.M. 
and Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"Hey, Mickey" is © 1982 Numa Records. Written by Tony Basil. Performed by 
Luke Ruegger. Used without permission.

"I Wanna Tell The World" is © 1992 Reunion Records. Written by Michael W. 
Smith, Mark Heimermann, and Toby McKeehan. Performed by The J.A.M. and Luke 
Ruegger. Used
without permission.

The final serenade was inspired (and some segments were downright ripped 
off) from Les Luthiers' "El Rey Enamorado" [The King in Love], from the 
album "Muchas Gracias De Nada" [Thanks A Lot You're Welcome], which is
© 1979 Pueblo Records. Originally written by Marcos Mundstock, Carlos
López Puccio, Jorge Maronna, Carlos Núñez Cortés, and Daniel Rabinovich.
Used without permission. Parody lyrics written by and © The J.A.M. Performed
by The J.A.M. and Luke Ruegger.


*******
	The jaguar turned and said, "I beg your pOOOFF!!" He was caught in another 
crushing embrace, except this time it was furry. The skunkmaid held him in a 
full-body hug from his left, pinning his arms to his sides—
	[THUD!!!]
	And the pounce was so hard that it actually knocked him over.
	"CUT!!!" he yelled, being muffled by her tail and the laughter.
*******


No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun 
of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are 
fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is 
unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe
self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, he he.


*******
	Mary pushed that quickly aside, "He has an incontinence problem and both 
*are* in school, but again, only *we* know about that. If the 'stars' were 
*true* friends, they would have known about this long ago. Again, they call us
'friends', but it seems that for them, a 'friend' is anyone who isn't a downright
villain or a psychotic fan. But we 'friends' get *walked on* by them, as you saw
this afternoon." She then brushed off a spot on her shoulder that Sweetie missed
earlier. "Even Babs and Buster wouldn't hesitate to walk over us. In fact, they
did just that. They call Sneezer their 'friend', but they really consider it 
a nuisance when you write lines so [CENSORED] long like these and we can't 
remember them—" The jaguar clamped his paw on her mouth at the sound of that word.
	He looked at the camera, sort of scared, "Cut!!"
*******
	They walked/padded down the stairs, and Mary opened the garage door. 
Inside, the jaguar unlocked his bicycle, and pushed it outside. No sooner 
had he done that when—
	—nothing happened.
	"I knew I shouldn't have hired that special effect crew. CUT!!!"
*******


SPECIAL THANKS

To Montero.

To Mars.

To Microsoft's Encyclopædia Encarta '99, for all the scientific 
classifications.

To Roberto Gómez Bolaños "Chespirito", who hopefully won't mind me having 
ripped off a few of his catch phrases.

To Joaquín Salvador Lavado "Quino", also hoping he doesn't mind me using 
some of his material as well.

To Les Luthiers.

To Kevin "HKU" Mickel, for the info on dart rifles, and Bosko.


*******
	At that point, the loon hen's powers failed, and she collapsed on the 
floor. Immediately, the mammals rushed to help. Mary cried, "Shirley! What's 
wro—?"
	"LIKE, I THINK I HURT MY [CENSORED] I SAT SO HARD, ER SUM 
JUNK!!!" Everyone screamed with laughter, and later helped her up.
	"Cut…" he chuckled.
*******
	Angrily, she stood, shoved her way out of the row—
	[THUD!!!]
	—and tripped.
	"CUT!!!" yelled the jaguar behind her. "Lights!" The lights turned on, 
revealing Mary laughing.
	"I thlipped!!" she said, and everyone laughed again.
*******
	"RACIST!! **RACIST CARTOONS**!!" With adrenaline-powered strength, she 
shoved the pile aside, knocking over the canisters and sending the projector 
crashing to the floor with an angry cacophony. The others were now approaching her
again, determined to try to calm her down. "How the bleep am I supposed to be funny 
if I have no mentor or role mode from the past??!! Do you know the REAL reason why I
was cast with Tiny Toons Adventures??!! I was put here to keep all the civil rights groups
quiet!! With me as the required minority, everyone else could do whatever they wanted 
without any civil rights groups bothering them about minorities!!! I'M HERE TO KEEP 
EVERYTHING POLITICALLY CORRECT!!! THAT'S WHY LIGHTNING 
COULDN'T 
BE ON THE AIR, OTHERWISE—I CAN'T BELIEVE I BLEW THE BEST LINE OF 
THE STORY, [CENSORED]!!!!"
	"CUT!!!"
*******
	No sooner had she done that when she suddenly skated to the front steps, 
intercepting someone. "MoOOOOOONTY!!" She slipped and almost fell. "Don't 
you dare follow The J.A.M.!" she warned him to his laughing face, and then she
laughed too.
	"CUT!!!"
*******
	"These—" [KATHUMP!! CRASH!!] "—are to help us wreck tables." Laughter 
again. "Sigh…cut…"
*******
	The kiss sent Babs' panic into overdrive, allowing her to pull free from 
the vice-like embrace, jump up, run in place in mid-air, give Fifi several 
kicks in the face in the process, and blast out of the restaurant through the window—
	[WHAM!!!]
	Babs slid down the window pane.
	"CUT!!! Who put the bullet-proof glass here???"
*******
	Satisfied with the answer, Mary let the tape play. Both saw Babs put the 
carrot cake on the table, and then turn her back to the camera as she turned 
to Buster. She paused the tape again.
	"Now what do you see?"
	"Oo, la la!! I see ze tape ees stuck!!"
	"CUT!!!"
*******
	She just smiled at him, and mumbled, "…they didn't know I was clever—I 
mean--um…"
	"CUT," he growled.
*******


EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS

To Bunnyman and Nathaniel T. Freeman, for the info on Lightning Rodriguez.

To Nathaniel T. Freeman and Thorne, for the info on the creators of Tiny 
Toons Adventures and Animaniacs.

To Leondrel Gonzalez, for the tapes.


*******
	"Besides, Mister Duck here is already willing to confess the whole thing to 
Miss Loon, aren't you, Mister Duck?" The duck just shook in fear and hid 
behind Montana, who was now scowling at *him*. The jaguar continued. "The darts
and tranquilliser can be traced to their manufacturers and buyers, Mister *Maximiliano*.
And I'm sure that any furry toon with a good nose can pick up your scents on those—"
	"ACHOO!!"
	"— buildings—? Oh, please, cut."
	Mary sniffled, "Sorry, guys, you pick up a lot of dust there!
*******
	He caught her gaffe, however. "I never considered myself good looking. The 
fact that I frighten others, including *you*, kinda proves that. I'm flattered that
you think highly of me—because I don't. And the rest of the Tiny Toons don't,
either. Miss Loon has them all frightened of me because she can sense something
that's beyond  her power and ability to know. If they're not scared of me as a
predator, they're scared of me because of what they know that they *don't* know.
And right now they all wish they *didn't* know that they don't know. They all
kept their distance from you and the rest, and now that they got closer, the things
they learned from us—from me—scared them to death. I've *unwillingly* just
became a troublemaker at school. And I don't want to be a troublemaker, believe
me. And seeing the havoc I caused by writing long lines, I see you're right." He 
shook his head as he turned to pad to the starting position, signalling the cut
and leaving Mary laughing hysterically.
*******


Just in case you're wondering, the various ways of saying "The End" are 
written in English, German, Afrikaans, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, French, 
Italian, Romanian, Polish, Russian, Latvian, Finnish, Greek, Hebrew, Malay,
Hokkien, Seneca, Chinese, Japanese, Norwegian, Swedish, and Mayan, respectively.
Also, the chapter titles were being counted in Spanish.


*******
	"Ah, yes, you're just in time, Mrs. LaFume," she replied, smiling and 
looking up at her—
	"QUELLE???!!!" she screamed.
	"CUT!!!"
	"What was wrong with that??!!" demanded Leloni.
	"Lel, Ah am NOT, 'ow you say, marreed!!"
	"Oops! Sorry!!
*******
	"If thou would love me the way that I love thee." Lightning tried to sing, 
but the jaguar wouldn't pause. He flattened his ears and squeaked lightly in 
panic.
	"That which is mine would become thine, and ours!
	And it would become the object of envy for them and all!" Lightning 
frowned, stiffened his tail, looked down at the jaguar for a moment, looked 
up again—
	—and just exploded in laughter again.
	The jaguar just wiped his face.
	"Cut…"
	"Hey, do you take requests?" asked Mary, from above.
*******
	Before she walked into the front door, Mary turned and looked at the 
camera, and commented with a wink, "It's okay, guys, my parents are home." 
With that, she carried him inside—
	—bonking his head on the door frame.
	"OW!!" Amid the chuckling, he managed to say, "CUT!!!"
*******


END TAG:

	Mary Melody comes out of the TTA rings and proclaims, "For K-ACME News, 
this is Mary Melody, signing off!!"

*******

Until next time, remember:

I AM THE J.A.M.

Good evening.

[WARP!!!]