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Quantoon Leap
by Eric Gjovaag (tiktok@eskimo.com)
 
     Dr. Sam Beckett felt himself falling, the same as he always did right
before he was to leap into someone else's life.  What would happen to him
this time?  Where would he be?  WHO would he be?
     In moments, reality coalesced around him, but what a reality!  He
found himself standing in a meadow unlike any meadow he'd ever seem
before.  The colors were bright and almost unnatural, and everything
seemed to have a thin black outline around it.  Sam also noticed that he
was running.  He looked behind him and saw a strange purple spinning --
THING that was bearing down on him.  Alarmed, he started to run faster,
and as he was busy watching the whatever-it-was, he failed to notice that
he had run off the edge of a cliff.  As he hit the ground with an ear
shattering "THUD!" it was all he could do to mutter, "Oh, boy!"
				#########
     Dr. Verbeena Beeks was usually the first to greet the new visitors to
Project Quantum Leap.  Being a trained psychologist, she was the most
qualified for this duty, as it could be very unsettling for people to find
themselves ripped from their own lives without warning or explanation and
hurled forward years, even decades, into their own future.  Verbeena would
usually step in and calmly assure the visitor -- who, to her, would still
look like Dr. Sam Beckett, which she still found unnerving after all this
time -- that everything would be all right and they'd go back to wherever
they came from as soon as they could.  Over the years she'd had to deal
with small children, senior citizens, men and women, most ethnic
backgrounds, even a terrified chimpanzee.  But this visitor was trying
even her patience.  It was with some amusement that Admiral Albert
Calavecci, USN (ret.), reported to the waiting room in response to
Verbeena's summons, for it was the first time he'd ever seen her so angry.
She was usually so unflappable.
     "Al, I've had it already," she fumed.  "All he does is demand to see
somebody named Coop, or he wants a bunch of carrots.  He won't listen to
me at all."
     "Okay, Verbeena, calm down, I'll see what I can do."
     "Thanks," she said, giving just a little bit of a smile.  "I owe
you."
     "Don't you know it," Al teased.
     He opened the door, and stopped short in amazement, his ever-present
cigar falling from his open mouth to the floor.  Because of his unique
position as the Project's observer, he was not only the one person who
could contact Dr. Beckett no matter where or when he was, he was also the
only person who could see their visitors for who they really were.
"Verbeena," he quietly stammered, "did you know that our visitor has blue
fur and long ears?"
				#########
     After stewing at the base of the cliff for what seemed to be a very
long time, Sam was relieved to hear the "swoosh" of Al's holographic
"door" opening.  He looked up.    Al was dressed in a lime green suit,
which was a bit more subdued and tasteful than his normal attire.  "Sam,
the is REALLY weird," he said as he looked at his handlink.
     "Al," gasped Sam, "I just fell off a five hundred foot high cliff!  I
ache all over, and I am in no mood to discuss how strange things are!"
     "Oh, don't worry, Sam, you're fine."
     "What?!?"
     "You heard me.  Just get up and shake your head.  That'll fix
everything."
     Not sure of what he should think of that advice, Sam tried to get up,
and was surprised to find that he could.  He figured that the fall should
have broken every bone in his body, and yet all he felt was a little sore
and uncomfortable.  Shaking his head as Al suggested, he suddenly felt
perfectly fine.  Not normal, but fine.  "Okay, Al," he asked tentatively,
"what's going on?"
     "First of all, have you looked down at yourself yet?"
     Sam did, and instantly saw that he wasn't wearing any pants!  All he
had on was a pair of white gloves and a red sweater.  Sam blushed as he
attempted to cover himself with the sweater, and he wasn't very
successful.
     "Don't worry about it," said Al with a smirk.  "No one will notice."
     "Why not?" asked Sam with confusion.  "I'm not in a nudist colony, am
I?"
     "No.  You're in a cartoon."
     "A CARTOON?!?!?"
     "Yeah, a cartoon.  Ziggy's still trying to work out how it could
happen, but at least we know where you are, and uhm, well, what."
     Sam sighed.  "Okay, Al, give it to me straight."
     Al punched a few buttons on his handlink.  "Your name is Buster
Bunny.  You live in a place called Acme Ache..."  Al looked annoyed for a
moment and gave his handlink a firm whack, causing it to whine in protest.
"Acme Acres," he corrected, "and you are the star of a show called 'The
Buster Bunny Show.'"
     "Never heard of it.  So what am I supposed to do?"
     "Ziggy's still running a few scenarios, but it looks like you're here
to keep the show on the air."
     "Why?  What happened?"
     "It ran for just a few weeks in 1990 -- oh yeah, today's June18th of
that year -- and then it was canceled.  It just vanished from the
airwaves, and nobody seemed to miss it."
     "Why was it canceled?"
     Al looked again at his handlink.  "According to Ziggy, it got really
lousy ratings, and Warner Bros. decided to pull the plug before they lost
any more money on the thing."
     "Wonderful," muttered Sam.  "I'm a cartoon character who's the star
of a show doomed to failure."
     "Well, it could have been worse."
     "How?" hissed Sam.
     "Uhm," said Al hesitatingly, "well, you could of, uhm, uh -- well, no
I guess it couldn't have been.  Anyway, let me get back and run a few
numbers through Ziggy.  In the meantime, you just, well, act like a
rabbit."
     "Oh?  And how am I supposed to do that?" asked Sam in exasperation.
     "Oh, you know, eat some carrots, act timid, mate like a bunny..."
     "AL!!!!" shouted Sam.
     "Okay, okay, don't lose your hare."
     "So help me, Al, if you weren't a hologram and my best friend, I'd
deck you."
     "Well then it's a good thing I am, right?"  With that, Al pressed the
button on his handlink that opened his "door" and left Sam alone with the
problem of trying to figure out how he was going to climb up a five
hundred foot cliff.
     Sam blinked.  He didn't have to worry, he was at the top of the cliff
already!  "About time you got back," said a short dumpy cartoon guy with
thick black-rimmed glasses and wavy brown hair which was impossibly long
in front.  "Buster, are you awake in there?  It's time for the next scene.
What took you so long?"
     "Huh?  Oh, I, um...guess I'm low on iron or something," muttered Sam.
     "Not that again.  Carrots for the rabbit!" the man shouted to one of
his assistants.
     "Right away, Mr. de Ville," said a pink girl rabbit, and she hopped
off.
     "Hey, Coop," said some sort of purple monster wearing a little yellow
beanie, "when me get food, too?"
     "Later, Dizzy," said the man Sam now knew to be named Coop de Ville,
"you need to stay hungry so you can spin properly, remember?"
      "But me running out of energy," Dizzy wailed.  "Me no can spin
without food.  It lot of hard work."
     "Yeah," said de Ville, "but Buster here is the star of the show.
You're just a bit player villain, and it says here in your contract that
you only get fed once a day."
     "Here you go," the pink rabbit said to Sam, handing him a dozen
carrots.  "Mr. Big Star," she added sarcastically.
     "Um, thanks...er..."
     "Oh, like NOW he notices the little people," she mocked.  "Bunny.
Babs Bunny.  And before you get a swelled head or anything, no, we are NOT
related."
     "Nice to meet you," Sam said, shaking her paw.  Then he tore a few
carrots off the bunch and yelled, "Hey, Dizzy!" and tossed them over to
the purple monster, who swallowed them whole in a single gulp.
     "Mmm, that much better" said Dizzy.  "Thanks, Buster."
     "Any time," said Sam.  "That was too many for me anyway."
     "Are you nuts?!?" screamed de Ville.
     Sam then noticed a chair with "Cooper de Ville" stenciled on the back
that had a megaphone sitting next to it, leading Sam to conclude that he
was the director.  "They were my carrots, weren't they?" he asked
casually.
     "Well, yeah," said de Ville, slightly flustered.  "It is in your
contract, a dozen carrots on demand."
     "So that means I can do whatever I want with them, and this time, I
gave some to Dizzy.  After all, you aren't gonna get anywhere by starving
your actors."
     "Toons," muttered De Ville as he shook his head and turned in
disgust.
     With that settled, everyone got back to work, and Sam  and Dizzy
finally got through the scene.  It wasn't too bad, Sam thought to himself,
once you throw out all the known laws of physics.  "Okay," said de Ville,
"that's a wrap!  Call as 9:00 tomorrow, okay?"
     "Sure," said Sam.
     "Buster, are you feeling all right?" asked the director with concern.
     "Sure, Mr. de Ville, why?
     "You usually argue about the early calls.  And another thing, why are
you calling me Mr. de Ville all of a sudden?"
     "That IS your name, isn't it?" asked Sam with confusion.
     "It is.  But you usually call me, 'Coop.'"
     "Oh, sorry, Coop."
     "AND I USUALLY BAWL YOU OUT FOR IT!  THE NAME IS DE VILLE, YOU
EGOMANIAC RABBIT!!!"
     Sam felt his ears flying backwards from the force of the director's
words.  "Uh, sure, whatever, Mr. de Ville," he managed to stammer as the
man stormed off.
     "Charming fellow," muttered Al as he walked towards Sam though his
holographic door.
     "No kidding," said Sam.  "So, anything new?"
     "First, the show hasn't aired yet, it's still in production, and it
will premiere in September.  Second, this Buster Bunny character that
we've got in the waiting room is a real nozzle!"
     "How so?"
     "He's got a real ego problem," snorted Al.  "He act's like he's not
only the star of the show, but also the producer, director, writer,
costume designer, and caterer."
     "Yeah, I sorta got that impression of him from the way everyone's
been treating me."
     "Anyway, the director is named..."
     "Cooper de Ville.  I managed to figure that one out, Al."
     "Yeah, well it seems that the just before the show debuts, de Ville
storms off the set, leaving the show in a crisis.  It goes into re-runs
prematurely, it doesn't make a blip during the November sweeps, and it
never recovers from the blow."
     "Any idea why he stormed off?"
     "Nothing definite, of course..."
     "Of course," added Sam.  He knew how difficult it was for Ziggy to
collate all of her data.
     "But Ziggy thinks that there's an eighty-four point four percent
chance that it was Buster's prima donna attitude that did it."
     "So all we gotta do is convince this Buster character that he's not
as great as he thinks he is, and the show will be saved."
     "Yeah.  Verbeena's working on that right now.  Although she does say
that counseling cartoon characters wasn't in her job description."
     "So why am I here?  If that's it, I should have leaped into someone
that could help him, not the rabbit himself."
     "Yeah, well, that isn't everything," said Al as he punched a few
buttons on his handlink.  "Ziggy also says that the lousy time slot the
show got in most markets played a major role in its demise.  Maybe that's
why you're here.  Oh, and one other thing, you have to make the show
funny."
     "Oh, boy," said Sam.
     "You can say that again."
     "Well," said Sam with a sigh, "I certainly can't make this show funny
overnight.  I'm tired and I need some sleep.  Where do I live?"
     Al tapped a few buttons on the handlink and gave him some directions.
"And look for a mailbox that says 'Buster' on it," he added as disappeared
though the imaging chamber door.
				#########
     "Home," once Sam had found it, turned out to be a hole in the ground.
"Great," muttered Sam when he saw it.  "But then again, why am I
surprised?"  Still finding it hard to believe that he was a rabbit, and a
cartoon one at that, he shook his head and dived down into the hole.
     "Oh, there you are dear," said a tall blue rabbit woman.  "How was
your day at the studio?"
     "Oh, all right, I guess," said Sam  "But I have a feeling that the
show is doomed."
     "Why do you say that?  You left this morning brimming with confidence
and enthusiasm."
     "More like ego and attitude," snarled a gruff voice from behind a
newspaper as a plume of smoke billowed up from behind it, encircling a
pair of ears.  "I keep telling you, Beatrice, you're spoiling that kid by
telling him what a big star he is and propping him up so much.  He's got
to be a regular rabbit sometime too, you know."
     "Oh hush, Bernard," said Beatrice.  The rabbit behind the paper only
grumbled in response.
     "Buster," said Beatrice, and Sam suddenly realized that she was
Buster's mother, "would you be a dear and take the garbage out?"
     "Sure," said Sam without pause.
     Hearing that, Buster's father dropped his paper, let his pipe fall
out of his mouth and hit the ground, and leaping out of his chair he ran
over to Sam to feel his forehead.  "Are you feeling all right?" he asked
with concern.  "You're not warm."
     "No, Dad, I'm fine," said Sam, hoping that Bernard WAS Buster's
father, and not his uncle or something else like that.  "Why?"
     "Because that's the first time in months that you haven't talked back
to your mother and me when you were asked to do some chores."
      'Oh great,' thought Sam to himself.  'If I keep this up, no one's
gonna believe that I'm this Buster Bunny person -- er, rabbit.'
     "No," he said aloud, "I'm fine.  I just realized that I have to start
taking some responsibilities around here."
     Buster's father glared at him, but said nothing more.  Then, after
stomping out the fire that his pipe had started, he sat down to read the
smoldering remains of his newspaper.
     Sam managed to get through the rest of the evening without a hitch.
He wasn't terribly wild about all the carrot dishes that they had for
supper, but he figured it was all a part of being a rabbit.  Then he went
to his room, sat, and tried to think about this leap.  'What can I do to
improve things?' he wondered.  Unfortunately, he could come up with no
answers, there were just too many factors involved to come up with an easy
answer.  Frustrated and tired, he finally gave up and went to sleep.  But
sometimes, when it's allowed to rest, the mind can come up with brilliant
flashes of inspiration when you least expect them, especially when
tackling a big problem  "That's it!"  he shouted as he awoke with a start.
"Al!" he called out.  "Al, where are you?  I've got a great idea!"
     "What's wrong, son?" Sam heard a voice calling from down the hall.
     "Oh, uh, nothing, Mom," said Sam.  "I'm fine."
     "Okay," said Beatrice and Sam could practically hear her drifting
back to sleep.
				#########
     On the set the next morning, Sam was doing a scene with some
character named Montana Max, who was your typical bully.  (In character,
that is.  Off the set, Monty, as he preferred to be called, seemed like a
nice enough fellow, but as they said to one another while taking care of
their make-up, that's show biz.)
     "Okay, Buster," said de Ville, "in this scene, you have to trick
Monty into not beating you up, okay?"
     "How?" asked Sam.
     "The writers couldn't thing of anything.  Improvise."
     "Oh, terrific," muttered Sam.
     "And....  Action!!"  shouted de Ville.
     "Hey, you dweeby rabbit, gimme all your money or I'll pound you into
a pancake!"
     "Oh yeah?" said Sam defiantly.  "You and what army?"
     "CUT!!!!" screamed de Ville.  "Buster, that is NOT funny!"
     "Sorry, Coop, er, uh, Mr. de Ville.  "I guess I'm just not all that
inspired this morning."
     De Ville could only roll his eyes and sigh.  "Take five, everyone,"
he shouted, and then he stormed off the set and headed for a coconut oil
rub-down in his trailer.
     Sam made his way over to the water cooler to get a drink.  While he
was there, the pink girl bunny from yesterday, Babs, walked up to him and
said, "Hardy-har-har, very funny, Mister Comedy."
     "I suppose you could have done better?" asked Sam.
     "As a matter of fact, I could have done it better a hundred different
ways!"
     "Well, then, why don't you do the scene?" he asked very innocently.
     "Right," sneered Babs.  "So you can laugh at me?"
     "No, so I can see one of a hundred ways to do it," he replied
casually.
     Babs fumed for a few seconds at that remark before turning a
noticeably darker shade of pink.  "Okay, Mr. Wiseguy, I'll do it.  I'll
show you that Barbara Anne Bunny can be funnier than you, Mr. Big Star."
     About then, Mr. de Ville came back from his rub down.  "Okay,
people," he said, "let's try it again.  Buster, have you thought of a
FUNNY way to do this scene yet?"
     "Uhm, well, you see, Mr. de Ville, I'd kinda like to let my friend
Babs here take a shot at it, to see if she can show me a good way to do
it."
     De Ville frowned.  "The gofer?  Oh, why not?  At least she can't do
any worse than you did with that lame army line."
     "Buster," whispered Monty, "what are you up to?"
     "Trust me on this," said Sam just as quietly.  "I know what I'm
doing."
     Monty had a doubtful look in his eye as Sam said that, but he only
shrugged, as he and Babs took their places.
     "Action!" shouted de Ville.
     "Hey, you dweeby rabbit!" shouted Monty. "Gimme all your money, or
else!"
     In response to Monty's threat, Babs began to spin around faster than
the eye could follow.  When she stopped, she was dressed in a red sequined
dress that showed off her figure in a most flattering way.  "Ooh, big
boy," she purred in a deep throaty tone.  "What do you want my *money*
for, anyway?"
     Monty's eyes popped out of his head and the pupils turned into little
hearts.  His tongue dropped out of his mouth and hit the ground with an
audible clang.  Babs raised an eyebrow at him before gently blowing the
tiniest puff of a kiss to him, which was more than enough to knock him
over backwards and out cold.  With that, Babs did another quick
spin-change back into her regular clothes, and grabbing Monty's wallet she
started counting the bills in it as she walked out of the scene.
     "CUT!!" shouted de Ville.  "That was TERRIFIC!!  I haven't seen
anything so funny in years!  Babs, how'd you like a job on the show?"
     "Oh, gee, Mr. de Ville," said Babs tentatively, "I dunno."  She
paused for just a moment with a look of great thoughtfulness on her face
before she grinned at him and said, "Okay," getting a good chuckle out of
everyone present.
     "Great acting, Monty," said Sam then as he helped him up of the
ground.
     "Who's acting?" he replied.  "She IS a knockout."
     "Yeah, I guess so," said Sam, feeling that Al would be a better judge
of that.
     "Buster," called de Ville, "get over here!"
     "Yes, Mr. de Ville?" asked Sam when he had done so.
     "You're not calling me, 'Coop?'" he asked with bewilderment.
     "Yeah.  I guess I finally got the message."
     "Well, that's nice, but it doesn't really matter.  Now that we've got
a really funny rabbit for the show, you're fired."
     "WHAT?" asked Sam, flabbergasted.
     "Sam," said Al as he suddenly appeared through the imaging chamber
door, "we've got a new problem here."
     "Yeah, I know, Al.  I've -- Buster's just been fired."  Sam wandered
away from the others so he and Al could talk in private.
     "Oh, is that it?  No wonder these figures are changing so much."
     "What?  What's happening?"
     "Well, the show does last for a year now, now called 'The Babs Bunny
Show.'  But it still doesn't do too much.  It still got a lousy time slot
in most markets, and Warner Bros. still loses its shirts on it."
     "So what do I do now?" asked Sam in desperation.
     "Well, get Buster back on the show for one thing.  But you still need
to give the show some bite, some zing."
     "Some more laughs?"
     "Bingo."
     "Well, how do I do that?"
     To this, Al had no answer, so Al went back to run some numbers though
Ziggy (again!), and Sam went back to Buster's place to try and think.
'Why is this happening to me?' he thought to himself.  'There must be
*something* that I can do here.  Why would I have leaped here if I
couldn't do anything?  I wish I was back at Project Quantum Leap.  There's
a whole team there to help solve problems.'
     Then, it struck him.  A team!  THAT'S what the show needed!  He'd
read a few of the scripts, and the whole show had rested on Buster's --
now Babs's -- shoulders.  What if there were some other characters on the
show as well?  For that matter, who said there only had to be one rabbit?
Sam, looked through some of Buster's things, and soon found what he
thought would solve another problem as well.
				#########
     "Quiet on the set!" shouted de Ville.  "Now, Babs, in this scene, you
have to stop Bubba the Pit-Bull from throwing you in the pool, okay?"
     Okee-dokee, Mr. de Ville."
     "An' go easy on me," joked Bubba in a soft Southern twang, "Ah bruise
easily."
     Everyone on the set had a chuckle at that, and then the scene
started.  Babs had barely gotten the words, "I'm Babs Bunny," out of her
mouth when she was interrupted by Sam, saying, "And I'm Buster Bunny.  No
relation!"
     "CUT!!!" screamed de Ville.  "Buster, what are YOU doing here?  I
fired you!"
     "Did you check my contract?" he asked calmly.
     "No!" he shouted.  "Why?"
     "Because of THIS!" said Sam triumphantly as he produced the document.
With a broad grin on his face, he pointed to a clause on the very first
page that said, "YOU CAN'T FIRE BUSTER.  (THIS INCLUDES YOU DE VILLE.)"
     "Oh," said Babs with disappointment.  "So I guess it's back to being
the gofer for me, huh?"
     "Nope," said Buster.  "I want you in the show with me."
     "Huh?" asked Babs, somewhat brighter.
     "You can't do that," said de Ville.  "This is designed as a one
rabbit show."
     "Who says?" asked Sam.  "Are there any rules that says there can't be
more than one rabbit?"
     De Ville thought about it for a moment before saying, "Well, not that
I know of."
     "Great" said Babs, he enthusiasm returning.  "That means I can do
some shows, and Buster can do some shows!"
     "Not only that," added Sam, "the two of can also do some shows
together, as a team!"
     Babs' eyes lit up.  "You mean that, Buster?"
     "Sure, why not?  But, hey, who says rabbits have to be the ONLY stars
of the program?"
     "What?" asked de Ville, looking thoroughly confused, and so did
everyone else.
     "You know," said Sam.  "Make it an ensemble show, with a big cast."
     "But there's never been an ensemble cartoon before," protested de
Ville.  "Well, at least not a funny one."
     "So why can't we be the first?" asked Sam.  "'Hill Street Blues' did
it, 'St. Elsewhere' did it, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' is doing it,
so why can't we plan to do it?"  As he said this, Sam hoped that he had the
dates right on the 'Star Trek' one.
     "Well," said de Ville, the hesitancy in his voice very obvious, "I
don't know..."
     "Look at it this way," said Sam.  "It'll mean that there are that
many more characters to put on lunch boxes, T-shirts, and in McDonald's
Happy Meals!"
     "You know," said de Ville, "we won't be able to call it 'The Buster
and Babs show.'  We'll need a new name."
     "I think 'Tiny Toon Adventures' has a nice ring to it," said Babs.
Sam nodded in agreement.
     De Ville's eyes finally lit up.  "Y'know, Mr. Plotz just might buy
this whole crazy idea."
     "Buster," hissed Babs, "what are you doing?"
     "Trust me, Babs.  This'll work."
     "You're right," said Al as he suddenly appeared.  "It does.  They
hire a whole bunch of teenaged animal characters, and the show is finally
funny.  It becomes something of a cult classic, and...  Oh boy," he added,
sounding somewhat concerned.
     "What?" asked Sam, sotto voce.
     "The show still only lasts one year, and there are tons of 'Tiny Toon
Adventures' merchandise piled up in warehouses.  Warner Bros. still takes
a bath on it."
     Sam groaned.  "So what else can we do?"
     "Well," said Babs dreamily, "you and I can go back to my place to
study our lines..."
     "That's NOT what I meant," said Sam.
     "Hey, come on," said Al.  "What are you complaining about?  I mean,
look at her.  She's a young cute, attractive pink rabbit..."
     "But I'm not!" said Sam.
     "Not what?" asked Babs as she gazed into his eyes."
     "Interested in studying lines."
     "Oh, okay," said Babs, and she walked away crestfallen.
     "Nice going, Romeo."
     "Knock it off, huh, Al?  She's really not my type."
     "No, nobody's your type, Mr. Boy Scout."
     "And EVERYBODY'S your type?" shot back Sam with irritation.
     Al grabbed at his chest.  "Ooooch!  I think you got me that time," he
said sarcastically.
     Sam couldn't help but smile.  "Okay, okay, enough of this.  We have a
job to do, remember?"
     "Okay," said Al, "you win.  Still, if I was about forty years younger
and a male Toon rabbit..."
     "Al!"
     "Okay, okay."
     "We've got to come up with some way to make this show a hit," said
Sam.
     "Yeah, I know, but you're the idea man around here.  You got any?"
     "Uhm, no.  Not really.  I've never worked in cartoons before,
remember?"
     The two of them sat and thought about it for a few minutes.  "Okay,"
said Sam after a while, "let's look at this logically.  What was it that
made the old Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies that Warner Bros. used to
make so funny?"
     "Bugs Bunny," said Al.
     "Exactly.  So all we have to do is get Bugs Bunny onto this show.
That'd attract attention to it, right?"
     Al did a double take.  "Have they been dropping anvils on your head
or something?  There is no way that Warner Bros. is gonna let it's biggest
cartoon star be on a show like this."
     "Why not?"
     "Because he's doing other things."
     "Like what?  When was the last Bugs Bunny film released?"
     "Uh, okay, so maybe he's not so busy," conceded Al.  "But what's to
keep him from overshadowing you -- I mean Buster -- and Babs, and becoming
the star of the show himself?"
     "Well, he won't be on it all the time," suggested Sam.  "Maybe he can
be a sort of a mentor.  You know, teach Buster and Babs how to be funny
and stuff."
     Al thought it over.  "Yeah, that could be good.  But how are you
gonna convince the big boys at Warner Bros. to do it?  You're only a kid
bunny actor, after all."
     "Hmmm.  Good question.  Uhm, let's try this.  You go back and get all
the info you can on Bugs Bunny.  See if he's still around, where we can
find him, that sort of thing."
     "Okay," said Al as he opened the door.  "What about you?"
     "Don't worry about me.  All I have to so is act like a cartoon
rabbit, remember?"
     Al grinned as the door closed.
     Bubba the Pit Bull was still lounging around the set, reading a copy
of 'Variatoon,' when something clicked in Sam's mind.  "Hey, Bubba," he
called over to the dog.
     "Yeah, Buster.  What kin Ah do fer ya?" he drawled.
     "Did you think that the scene you and Babs were supposed to do was
funny?"
     Bubba laughed.  "You too, huh?  Nope, less funny than a porcupine at
a debutante ball.  But, it pays mah bills, if'n ya know what Ah mean."
     "Well, yeah, but if it was funny, really funny, really really rib
tickling kick 'em in the funny bone funny, wouldn't that make you feel
better?"
     "Ah'm shore it would.  Ah am a Toon, after all, and Ah aims to make
people laugh."
     "Exactly!" said Sam with enthusiasm.  "So, what if we were to, well,
you know, doctor the script up a bit to make it really funny?"
     A conspiratorial twinkle formed in Bubba's eyes.  "What'd y'all have
in mind?"
     Sam whispered something into Bubba's ear, and a big smile formed on
his face.
     A few moments later, Babs came back (she'd gone and locked herself in
her trailer after Sam gave her the brush off, but de Ville had managed to
talk her into returning to the set), and the scene was ready to go.  Babs
gave Sam a somewhat sour look, but that was the only indication that
anything was wrong.
     "Okay," said de Ville, "here we go again.  And... Action!"
     "Oh dear," said Babs.  "I hope I don't fall into that pool and get
all wet.  It would take my ears WEEKS to dry out if I did!"
     "Ha, ha, ha!  You puny leetle bunny type person," said Bubba as he
jumped out of the bushes.  "I'm going to pump you up!"
     "Bubba?" asked Babs, more than a little confused by his new Austrian
accent.
     "Call me Ahnold, you puny scrawny wimpy rodent type you."
     "Mr. de Ville?" asked Babs with confusion.
     "Go with it," he replied.  "This is great!"
     "Oh, uh, okay.  Ahem.  Uh, well, uh, Ahnold, what if I don't want you
to throw me in the pool?"
     "Hear me now and believe me later, I'm the meanest, toughest, most
buffed up und handsomest hound around.  So if I vant to throw you in the
pool, I vill!"
     "Cut!" shouted de Ville.
     "What's wrong, Mr. de Ville, suh?" asked Bubba, reverting to his
natural twang.
     "We have to calm Babs down.  She's laughing so hard  that the
camera's are shaking.  I've never seen her laugh so much!  Bubba, would
you consider officially changing your name to Ahnold for the show?"
     "Ya, I vould!" he happily replied, switching back to the Austrian
accent.
     "Excellent," said de Ville.  "Maybe we can make this show interesting
after all."
     Just then, the imaging door opened.  "You did good, Sam," said Al as
he stepped through it.  "Arnold here goes on to be one of the most popular
recurring characters on the show.  But it doesn't really change things all
that much."
     Curious, Sam slipped away to talk.  Beside, it was obvious to him
that he wasn't needed for the scene with Babs and Bubba, or rather Ahnold
as he was now to be called.  Once they were far enough away so he could
talk without anyone overhearing him, Sam asked, "So what did you find out
about Bugs?"
     "Oh, he's still around.  Warners has him all set up in a small
retirement home on the edge of the lot."
     "Retired?"
     "Yeah.  Seems that he doesn't work all that much anymore, since all
of his cartoons are nothing but re-runs now.  He'll do an occasional
special or Oscar show, but that's it.  He's mainly just sitting around
doing nothing, he's not even writing his memoirs."
     "That's pathetic," said Sam.  "Bugs Bunny is one of the funniest
cartoon characters who was ever drawn!  A guy like that shouldn't retire.
I mean, look at George Burns and Bob Hope."
     "Hey, I'm with ya, Sam.  But don't tell it to me, tell it to the
rabbit!"
     "Okay," said Sam, "you're right.  Just tell me where he is."
     Al punched a few buttons on his handlink before looking to his right
and saying, "Over this way, follow me."
     Before long, the two of them had made there way clean across the
Warner lot, and they were approaching a modest little bungalow.  "Is this
it?" asked Sam with surprise.
     "Sure is," said Al.  "In fact it..."  Al was interrupted by a sudden
whine from his handlink.  "Oh boy," he said when he had checked it.
     "What?"
     "Ziggy says there's only a fifty-nine point two percent chance that
talking to Bugs will do any good."
     "Well we've beaten odds like that before, haven't we?"
     "Yeah," admitted Al.  "But this is a cartoon.  Anything can happen
here."
     "Well then, I'll just have to find a way to increase the odds."
     Saying that, Sam reached out and knocked on the door.  A few seconds
later, the door was opened by Bugs Bunny himself.  "What's up, Doc?" he
asked.
     "Hi, Bugs." said Sam, who was quite nervous about meeting such a
famous cartoon superstar.  "I'm..."
     "Buster Bunny," interrupted Bugs.  "You're that young knock-off of me
that they got for that new 'Tiny Toons' show.  Yeah, I know all about you.
I've seen all the ink they've given ya in the trades.  So, what do ya
want, kid."
     "I want you to teach me how to be a funny bunny."
     Al's handlink beeped.  "Oh, good one, Sam," he said as he checked it.
"The odds just went up to sixty-three point seven percent"
     "Eh, you flatter me, kid, but don't go foolin' yerself.  I'm almost
fifty years old.  That's too old for a Toon to be yukkin' it up.  Go and
see if that Roger Rabbit fellow can help ya," and he started to close the
door.
     "No," protested Sam.  "Wait!"
     "Sorry, kid," said Bugs and be finished closing the door.
     Sam stood there and starred at the door.  "So now what?"
     "Beats me, Sam," said Al.
     Sam wandered back to the lot, feeling very dejected.  They were
shooting the final scene for the day, so he decided to watch.  He couldn't
help but smile as he watched Babs's antics, she actually was REALLY funny.
He was glad that he had thought of including her in the show.
     Still, he felt down and it must have showed, for as soon as de Ville
called it a wrap for the day, Babs hopped over to him and asked, "Hey, why
so blue?"
     "Ha ha," said Sam with a smirk, thinking that she was referring to
the color of Buster's fur.
     "No, really," she said.  "You seem sorta depressed, and there's
nothing more depressing than a depressed Toon."
     Sam had to smile at that.  "Well," he said at last, "I was thinking
that I need some training, so I went over to talk to Bugs Bunny and asked
him if he would teach me some of his stuff, but he turned me down."
     "Hmmm.  I see why you're depressed.  Bugs is the best.  We could
learn a lot from him."
     "We?  You're one of the funniest people -- rabbits -- I've ever met!"
     Babs suddenly whirled around into her Mae West outfit.  "Mmm,
flattery will get you everywhere, blue boy," she crooned.  Then, whirling
back into her normal attire, she added, "Nah.  Do you really think so?"
     "Yes," said Sam, "I do."
     Quite suddenly, Babs grabbed Sam's face and gave him a big wet bunny
kiss, sending bolts of electricity throughout his entire being.  "Wow!" he
managed to gasp when she let him go.  "What was that for?"
     "For being nice," said Babs.  "I'd always thought you were an
egomaniacal jerk, but the last few days you've been different."
     "I'm sorry," said Sam, unsure of what else he should say.
     "Oh, don't be.  I like the new you.  You're sweet" said Babs with
obvious affection in her voice, which made Sam feel more than a little
uncomfortable.  How was she going to react when he leaped out and the real
Buster returned?
     "Listen," Babs continued.  "Coop is giving us tomorrow off so he can
audition some more characters.  I hear there's a green duck who does Daffy
impressions, he may get in.  Let's you and me go and see if we can't
convince Bugs to help us after all.  I want this show to succeed too, you
know.  If it flops, it's back to the streets schlepping out used Easter
candy."
     "Okay," said Sam as he leaned over to give her a quick peck on the
cheek.  "I'll pick you up at your place at nine."
     "Great!" said Babs.  "It's a date!" and she hopped off towards her
home.
     'A what?' thought Sam.  Why did he have the feeling that he was
complicating Buster's life much more than he had intended.
     The next morning, Sam stood over Babs's rabbit hole, and called down
into it, "Oh, Babsie dear.  Your blue buddy is here!"  Not the best,
perhaps, but he thought it seemed like the kind of a thing a cartoon
character would say.
     Babs popped up out of the whole with a single bound.  "Hiya.  So,
what's the plan for Bugs?"
     Sam whispered something into her ear.  She smiled.  Then she giggled.
Then she laughed.  "Oh, Buster, that should get him interested in our show
for SURE!" she said with glee.  "Let's go!"
     A few moments later they were outside of Bugs's bungalow, and Sam
knocked on the door.  "Eh, what's up, Docs?" asked Bugs as
he opened it."
     "Hiya, Bugs, I'm Buster Bunny," said Sam.
     "Yeah, I know.  I remember you from yesterday."
     "And I'm Babs Bunny," chimed in Babs.
     "No relation!" they said in unison.
     Bugs smiled.  "Heh, that's a good one.  Not exactly my style though."
     "Yeah," said Sam, "we know.  So, we were sorta thinking that if there
were two of us that you'd reconsider teaching us some of your stuff."
     "Yeah, right.  Like I'd want a couple a whippersnappers like you
using all of me routines."
     "But that's the beauty of it!" said Babs.  "You'll teach us on the
air!"
     "What?" asked Bugs, genuinely curious.
     "We thought with all of your clout that you could get a school added
to the show, a school for cartoon characters."
     "Hmm," said Bugs.  "Not a bad idea.  Tell me more."
     "Oh, uh," Sam stalled as he tried to think of something.
     "What my erudite colleague is trying to say," said Babs, "is that
Warner Bros. has decided to add a whole bunch of new characters to the
show.  So we thought that you and some of the old..."
     "What?  OLD?" shouted Bugs.  "ME?  I may be almost fifty, but I've
only got one gray hair!"
     "You ARE one gray hare," deadpanned Sam.
     "Good job, kid," said Bugs as he pulled out a carrot.  "You're
loinin.'"
     "Uh, what I meant," said Babs, "was that you and some of the other,
uhm, established cartoon stars could be the faculty of the school.  You
could all teach us things like wild takes, walking on air, getting konked
by anvils and that sort of thing."
     "You know," said Bugs thoughtfully, "that just might fly.  Let me get
on the phone with the big shots at Warners and some of the guys.  I ain't
promisin' ya anyting, but I think I can talk 'em into it."
     "Gee, thanks Bugs," said Sam as he grabbed Bugs's hand and pumped up
and down in an enthusiastic handshake.  "This'll really make the show
fly!"
     "No it won't," said Al as he appeared once more.
     Sam, not wishing to reveal his friend's presence to Bugs and Babs,
cocked his head sideways in a silent gesture of, "Huh?"
     "The show does a little better with Bugs and the others, but not
much, and it still only lasts for one season."
     'Oh boy,' thought Sam.  'What's it gonna TAKE to make this show a hit
so I can leap?'
				##########
     Leaping from life to life has given me many opportunities.
Opportunities nobody else could possibly have.  I've been a doctor, a
priest, a musician, a test pilot, a baseball player, a gunslinger, a
rainmaker, a secretary, an actor, a singer, a dancer, a famed sex
therapist, a chimpanzee, and even myself.  But in each of those cases,
I've never had a problem relating, because all of those people had
something I could identify with, something to hang on to so I could figure
out what was going on and how to change things.  But this time I was a
cartoon rabbit.  Growing up on a farm, I never had much time to watch
cartoons, so even though I'd been Buster Bunny for a number of weeks now,
I still wasn't sure of how to act at times, and I certainly couldn't
figure out what else I could do to make myself leap -- no pun intended.
I'd done everything that Al and I could think of to improve the show's
performance, and yet I was still here in Acme Acres.  Al told me recently
that back in the waiting room, Buster was finally becoming a more humble
bunny, and he probably would no longer cause Cooper de Ville to quit when
he returned, but it seemed even that wasn't enough.  No matter how many
times Ziggy ran over the scenarios, the answer was always the same:  the
show would last for a single year, getting little mass attention or
support, Warner Bros. would lose a lot of money, and Buster, Babs and the
rest of the cast would disappear into oblivion.  As strange as my
situation was, I enjoyed these cartoon characters, and I didn't want to
let that happen.  Bringing in Bugs, Daffy and all the rest of the old
Looney Tunes characters has made things more interesting on the set, and
I'm learning a lot about being a Toon from them.  The school I proposed,
Acme Looniversity, is great, but it still hasn't done any good.  Even
bringing in these new characters, Pluck Duck (Daffy's protege), Hamton J.
Pig, Furrball the Cat, Elmyra (no one is ever going to believe that she is
a Rhodes Scholar; she's got playing dumb down pat!), Gogo Dodo, Shirley
the Loon, Fifi LaFume and all the others hasn't done much to change the
figures.  Al kept telling me that the only thing killing the show was the
lousy time slots it got in most of the big markets.  So one day, even more
frustrated than usual, I went for a long jog to work off some of my
tensions before I read the next day's shooting script.  (Babs had
suggested a few other ways to work off nervous tension, but I politely
declined.)  Getting back to Buster's burrow, I took a quick shower and
flopped down onto the bed with the script.  But my mind was still ticking
over the problem of getting the show noticed.  It needed something, or
someone, else to make it noticed above all the other cartoons that were
going to be turned out that year.  But that "something" just didn't come
to me, no matter how much I tried to think of it.  So I finally gave up
for the moment and decided to look over my script.  The episode was
entitled, "Rock & Roar" and it involved me -- Buster -- adopting a baby
dinosaur.  A bit farfetched maybe, but it was certainly a good cartoon.
Then, it hit me.  One of Buster's -- my -- lines.  It was near the end of
the script and hit me like a ton of bricks.  The possibilities and
realizations came whooshing into my head.  I quickly put down the script
and called Babs.
				##########
     Babs's phone rang, and she grabbed at it several times before finally
picking it up.  "Hello?" she said sleepily.
     "Babsy," said Sam excitedly, "remember what Mr. de Ville was telling
us in the cast meeting last week about how our chances aren't looking so
good because of the lousy time slots that we're being put into in most
markets?"
     "Mmm hmm," said Babs, still sleepy..
     "Well, what if we had some big name, I mean a REALLY REALLY BIG name,
at the start of the show as executive producer?"
     "Hmmm?" mumbled Babs.
     'I've been here too long,' Sam thought.  'I'm actually starting to
understand how Toons think.'  "Have you checked the script for 'Rock &
Roar' yet?"
     "The dinosaur one we're starting tomorrow?  Yeah, so?"
     "Remember the line at the end that Buster -- that I say when the land
of the dinosaurs is revealed?"
     "Hang on," said Babs, sounding more awake.  "I'll check."  A few
seconds later, Sam could hear the rustling of pages followed by, "You mean
his one, 'How Spielbergian.'?  Hey, waitaminute, Buster, you're not
suggesting that we get Steven Spielberg involved in our show, are you?"
     "Why not?  Think of the clout that the show would have then.  And as
Executive Producer, he wouldn't even have to do anything except put his
name on the credits.  It'd be just like old Leon Schlesinger did in the
old days for the Looney Tunes!"
     "Gee, I dunno," said Babs, who was now fully awake.
     "Look, I'm going to propose this tomorrow morning to Mr. de Ville.
I'll do it even before we start to work.  Bugs can talk to Spielberg, he's
worked with him before on 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?' and we know that
Spielberg is a fan of Warner Bros. cartoons.  But before I try it, I want
you in my corner.  Whattaya say?"
     "Okay, why not?  I mean, it's so crazy, it just might work!"
     "That's cartoon cliche number three," said Sam.
     "Good going, Buster.  I see that you're actually learning something
from Bugs after all."  Somehow, Sam could hear the smile on her face as
Babs said this.  "I'll see you in the morning," she added before hanging
up, and then Sam went right to sleep.
				##########
     The next morning, Sam and Babs made their pitch to de Ville.  "Are
you nuts?" he asked.  "Spielberg would never consent to working on another
cartoon after 'Roger Rabbit.'"
     "But he won't be working on it," said Sam.  "He'd just be window
dressing to get us a better time slot."
     "Yeah," added Babs.  "You wouldn't want the show to end up
prematurely dying a young death before it's time, would you?  Where would
you be then?  More importantly, where would I be?"
     De Ville thought about it.  "Okay," he said at last, "we'll try it.
All the other ideas that you've come up with so far have been good ones,
Buster, so maybe this one will be, too.  I'll call Bugs and try set up a
meeting between him and Spielberg."
     "Thanks, Mr. De Ville," said Sam.
     "Call me Coop," said the director with a warm smile.
				##########
     Two days later, Sam still hadn't heard anything.  Al had stopped by
to tell him that things were now in such a state of flux that Ziggy
couldn't come up with any possibilities at all, and Sam wondered if that
was good or bad.  Still, the show must go on, so Sam made "Rock & Roar."
He really enjoyed working with Rover the dinosaur, who proved to be a
great cut-up, and the two of them improvised some of their scenes, all of
which kept Sam too busy to really think about the larger problem.  So it
turned out to be a great shock when at the end of the day, after receiving
a phone call on the set, de Ville picked up his megaphone and started
shouting, "SPIELBERG IS COMING!!!!"
     "WHAT?" said everyone else on the set in unison.
     "He's on his way here now, with Bugs.  Come on, let's get this place
presentable."
     But before anyone could do anything, Bugs walked onto the set with a
middle aged bearded man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and an "Indiana Jones and
the Last Crusade" baseball cap.  "Oh, hi everyone," said the man, who was
obviously Steven Spielberg, the highly successful and legendary director.
"Just thought I'd pop in and see how things were going.  Don't mind me,"
and he plopped down in a chair next to the director.
     "Uhm, okay, let's do scene twenty-four," shouted Coop.  Very quickly,
everyone was in place, and he shouted, "Action!"
     The cave wall opened up to reveal a vista of jungle and dinosaurs.
The lighting effects were perfect, for once they came out right!  "Ooh,
how Spielbergian!" said Sam on cue.  He heard an appreciative chuckle.
     They finished shooting the rest of the episode without a hitch,
despite a huge amount of nervous tension in the air.  When Coop finally
shouted, "Cut!!  And print!  That's a wrap!" a huge sigh of relief was let
out by just about everyone, but more than that, Spielberg began to
applaud.
     "This show it great!" he said.  "Bugs showed me some of the rushes
earlier, and I love it!  This is what cartoons are supposed to be like!"
     "So you'll become executive producer?" asked Sam.
     "Sure I will.  And you know, all those dinosaurs...  I
wonder...Maybe...  Might make a good movie," he added thoughtfully.
     "You did it, Sam!" said Al as he popped through his door.  "'Steven
Spielberg Presents Tiny Adventures' becomes a huge success!  It runs for
three years, then goes on to be a big hit in reruns on cable.  Along the
way they produce the first direct to video cartoon feature, which is so
successful that it creates a whole new market.  They also win a truckload
of Emmys and other awards!"
     "That's great, Al.  What about Buster?  What happens to him?"
     Al punched a few buttons on his link, smiled and said, "He and Babs
eventually get married and have over a hundred kids!"
     And Doctor Sam Beckett leaped.
				##########
     Reality reformed itself around Sam.  He was sitting in front of a
bank of switches and cables.  Bells were ringing incessantly in his ears.
He was wearing a white blouse and a red skirt.  A number of women near him
were talking into microphone-like devices, and many were saying,
"Operator, may I help you?"
     "Oh, boy," said Sam
 
     But that is a tale for another time, another place, and another
writer.
 
			The End