========================================================================== Quantoon Leap by Eric Gjovaag (tiktok@eskimo.com) Dr. Sam Beckett felt himself falling, the same as he always did right before he was to leap into someone else's life. What would happen to him this time? Where would he be? WHO would he be? In moments, reality coalesced around him, but what a reality! He found himself standing in a meadow unlike any meadow he'd ever seem before. The colors were bright and almost unnatural, and everything seemed to have a thin black outline around it. Sam also noticed that he was running. He looked behind him and saw a strange purple spinning -- THING that was bearing down on him. Alarmed, he started to run faster, and as he was busy watching the whatever-it-was, he failed to notice that he had run off the edge of a cliff. As he hit the ground with an ear shattering "THUD!" it was all he could do to mutter, "Oh, boy!" ######### Dr. Verbeena Beeks was usually the first to greet the new visitors to Project Quantum Leap. Being a trained psychologist, she was the most qualified for this duty, as it could be very unsettling for people to find themselves ripped from their own lives without warning or explanation and hurled forward years, even decades, into their own future. Verbeena would usually step in and calmly assure the visitor -- who, to her, would still look like Dr. Sam Beckett, which she still found unnerving after all this time -- that everything would be all right and they'd go back to wherever they came from as soon as they could. Over the years she'd had to deal with small children, senior citizens, men and women, most ethnic backgrounds, even a terrified chimpanzee. But this visitor was trying even her patience. It was with some amusement that Admiral Albert Calavecci, USN (ret.), reported to the waiting room in response to Verbeena's summons, for it was the first time he'd ever seen her so angry. She was usually so unflappable. "Al, I've had it already," she fumed. "All he does is demand to see somebody named Coop, or he wants a bunch of carrots. He won't listen to me at all." "Okay, Verbeena, calm down, I'll see what I can do." "Thanks," she said, giving just a little bit of a smile. "I owe you." "Don't you know it," Al teased. He opened the door, and stopped short in amazement, his ever-present cigar falling from his open mouth to the floor. Because of his unique position as the Project's observer, he was not only the one person who could contact Dr. Beckett no matter where or when he was, he was also the only person who could see their visitors for who they really were. "Verbeena," he quietly stammered, "did you know that our visitor has blue fur and long ears?" ######### After stewing at the base of the cliff for what seemed to be a very long time, Sam was relieved to hear the "swoosh" of Al's holographic "door" opening. He looked up. Al was dressed in a lime green suit, which was a bit more subdued and tasteful than his normal attire. "Sam, the is REALLY weird," he said as he looked at his handlink. "Al," gasped Sam, "I just fell off a five hundred foot high cliff! I ache all over, and I am in no mood to discuss how strange things are!" "Oh, don't worry, Sam, you're fine." "What?!?" "You heard me. Just get up and shake your head. That'll fix everything." Not sure of what he should think of that advice, Sam tried to get up, and was surprised to find that he could. He figured that the fall should have broken every bone in his body, and yet all he felt was a little sore and uncomfortable. Shaking his head as Al suggested, he suddenly felt perfectly fine. Not normal, but fine. "Okay, Al," he asked tentatively, "what's going on?" "First of all, have you looked down at yourself yet?" Sam did, and instantly saw that he wasn't wearing any pants! All he had on was a pair of white gloves and a red sweater. Sam blushed as he attempted to cover himself with the sweater, and he wasn't very successful. "Don't worry about it," said Al with a smirk. "No one will notice." "Why not?" asked Sam with confusion. "I'm not in a nudist colony, am I?" "No. You're in a cartoon." "A CARTOON?!?!?" "Yeah, a cartoon. Ziggy's still trying to work out how it could happen, but at least we know where you are, and uhm, well, what." Sam sighed. "Okay, Al, give it to me straight." Al punched a few buttons on his handlink. "Your name is Buster Bunny. You live in a place called Acme Ache..." Al looked annoyed for a moment and gave his handlink a firm whack, causing it to whine in protest. "Acme Acres," he corrected, "and you are the star of a show called 'The Buster Bunny Show.'" "Never heard of it. So what am I supposed to do?" "Ziggy's still running a few scenarios, but it looks like you're here to keep the show on the air." "Why? What happened?" "It ran for just a few weeks in 1990 -- oh yeah, today's June18th of that year -- and then it was canceled. It just vanished from the airwaves, and nobody seemed to miss it." "Why was it canceled?" Al looked again at his handlink. "According to Ziggy, it got really lousy ratings, and Warner Bros. decided to pull the plug before they lost any more money on the thing." "Wonderful," muttered Sam. "I'm a cartoon character who's the star of a show doomed to failure." "Well, it could have been worse." "How?" hissed Sam. "Uhm," said Al hesitatingly, "well, you could of, uhm, uh -- well, no I guess it couldn't have been. Anyway, let me get back and run a few numbers through Ziggy. In the meantime, you just, well, act like a rabbit." "Oh? And how am I supposed to do that?" asked Sam in exasperation. "Oh, you know, eat some carrots, act timid, mate like a bunny..." "AL!!!!" shouted Sam. "Okay, okay, don't lose your hare." "So help me, Al, if you weren't a hologram and my best friend, I'd deck you." "Well then it's a good thing I am, right?" With that, Al pressed the button on his handlink that opened his "door" and left Sam alone with the problem of trying to figure out how he was going to climb up a five hundred foot cliff. Sam blinked. He didn't have to worry, he was at the top of the cliff already! "About time you got back," said a short dumpy cartoon guy with thick black-rimmed glasses and wavy brown hair which was impossibly long in front. "Buster, are you awake in there? It's time for the next scene. What took you so long?" "Huh? Oh, I, um...guess I'm low on iron or something," muttered Sam. "Not that again. Carrots for the rabbit!" the man shouted to one of his assistants. "Right away, Mr. de Ville," said a pink girl rabbit, and she hopped off. "Hey, Coop," said some sort of purple monster wearing a little yellow beanie, "when me get food, too?" "Later, Dizzy," said the man Sam now knew to be named Coop de Ville, "you need to stay hungry so you can spin properly, remember?" "But me running out of energy," Dizzy wailed. "Me no can spin without food. It lot of hard work." "Yeah," said de Ville, "but Buster here is the star of the show. You're just a bit player villain, and it says here in your contract that you only get fed once a day." "Here you go," the pink rabbit said to Sam, handing him a dozen carrots. "Mr. Big Star," she added sarcastically. "Um, thanks...er..." "Oh, like NOW he notices the little people," she mocked. "Bunny. Babs Bunny. And before you get a swelled head or anything, no, we are NOT related." "Nice to meet you," Sam said, shaking her paw. Then he tore a few carrots off the bunch and yelled, "Hey, Dizzy!" and tossed them over to the purple monster, who swallowed them whole in a single gulp. "Mmm, that much better" said Dizzy. "Thanks, Buster." "Any time," said Sam. "That was too many for me anyway." "Are you nuts?!?" screamed de Ville. Sam then noticed a chair with "Cooper de Ville" stenciled on the back that had a megaphone sitting next to it, leading Sam to conclude that he was the director. "They were my carrots, weren't they?" he asked casually. "Well, yeah," said de Ville, slightly flustered. "It is in your contract, a dozen carrots on demand." "So that means I can do whatever I want with them, and this time, I gave some to Dizzy. After all, you aren't gonna get anywhere by starving your actors." "Toons," muttered De Ville as he shook his head and turned in disgust. With that settled, everyone got back to work, and Sam and Dizzy finally got through the scene. It wasn't too bad, Sam thought to himself, once you throw out all the known laws of physics. "Okay," said de Ville, "that's a wrap! Call as 9:00 tomorrow, okay?" "Sure," said Sam. "Buster, are you feeling all right?" asked the director with concern. "Sure, Mr. de Ville, why? "You usually argue about the early calls. And another thing, why are you calling me Mr. de Ville all of a sudden?" "That IS your name, isn't it?" asked Sam with confusion. "It is. But you usually call me, 'Coop.'" "Oh, sorry, Coop." "AND I USUALLY BAWL YOU OUT FOR IT! THE NAME IS DE VILLE, YOU EGOMANIAC RABBIT!!!" Sam felt his ears flying backwards from the force of the director's words. "Uh, sure, whatever, Mr. de Ville," he managed to stammer as the man stormed off. "Charming fellow," muttered Al as he walked towards Sam though his holographic door. "No kidding," said Sam. "So, anything new?" "First, the show hasn't aired yet, it's still in production, and it will premiere in September. Second, this Buster Bunny character that we've got in the waiting room is a real nozzle!" "How so?" "He's got a real ego problem," snorted Al. "He act's like he's not only the star of the show, but also the producer, director, writer, costume designer, and caterer." "Yeah, I sorta got that impression of him from the way everyone's been treating me." "Anyway, the director is named..." "Cooper de Ville. I managed to figure that one out, Al." "Yeah, well it seems that the just before the show debuts, de Ville storms off the set, leaving the show in a crisis. It goes into re-runs prematurely, it doesn't make a blip during the November sweeps, and it never recovers from the blow." "Any idea why he stormed off?" "Nothing definite, of course..." "Of course," added Sam. He knew how difficult it was for Ziggy to collate all of her data. "But Ziggy thinks that there's an eighty-four point four percent chance that it was Buster's prima donna attitude that did it." "So all we gotta do is convince this Buster character that he's not as great as he thinks he is, and the show will be saved." "Yeah. Verbeena's working on that right now. Although she does say that counseling cartoon characters wasn't in her job description." "So why am I here? If that's it, I should have leaped into someone that could help him, not the rabbit himself." "Yeah, well, that isn't everything," said Al as he punched a few buttons on his handlink. "Ziggy also says that the lousy time slot the show got in most markets played a major role in its demise. Maybe that's why you're here. Oh, and one other thing, you have to make the show funny." "Oh, boy," said Sam. "You can say that again." "Well," said Sam with a sigh, "I certainly can't make this show funny overnight. I'm tired and I need some sleep. Where do I live?" Al tapped a few buttons on the handlink and gave him some directions. "And look for a mailbox that says 'Buster' on it," he added as disappeared though the imaging chamber door. ######### "Home," once Sam had found it, turned out to be a hole in the ground. "Great," muttered Sam when he saw it. "But then again, why am I surprised?" Still finding it hard to believe that he was a rabbit, and a cartoon one at that, he shook his head and dived down into the hole. "Oh, there you are dear," said a tall blue rabbit woman. "How was your day at the studio?" "Oh, all right, I guess," said Sam "But I have a feeling that the show is doomed." "Why do you say that? You left this morning brimming with confidence and enthusiasm." "More like ego and attitude," snarled a gruff voice from behind a newspaper as a plume of smoke billowed up from behind it, encircling a pair of ears. "I keep telling you, Beatrice, you're spoiling that kid by telling him what a big star he is and propping him up so much. He's got to be a regular rabbit sometime too, you know." "Oh hush, Bernard," said Beatrice. The rabbit behind the paper only grumbled in response. "Buster," said Beatrice, and Sam suddenly realized that she was Buster's mother, "would you be a dear and take the garbage out?" "Sure," said Sam without pause. Hearing that, Buster's father dropped his paper, let his pipe fall out of his mouth and hit the ground, and leaping out of his chair he ran over to Sam to feel his forehead. "Are you feeling all right?" he asked with concern. "You're not warm." "No, Dad, I'm fine," said Sam, hoping that Bernard WAS Buster's father, and not his uncle or something else like that. "Why?" "Because that's the first time in months that you haven't talked back to your mother and me when you were asked to do some chores." 'Oh great,' thought Sam to himself. 'If I keep this up, no one's gonna believe that I'm this Buster Bunny person -- er, rabbit.' "No," he said aloud, "I'm fine. I just realized that I have to start taking some responsibilities around here." Buster's father glared at him, but said nothing more. Then, after stomping out the fire that his pipe had started, he sat down to read the smoldering remains of his newspaper. Sam managed to get through the rest of the evening without a hitch. He wasn't terribly wild about all the carrot dishes that they had for supper, but he figured it was all a part of being a rabbit. Then he went to his room, sat, and tried to think about this leap. 'What can I do to improve things?' he wondered. Unfortunately, he could come up with no answers, there were just too many factors involved to come up with an easy answer. Frustrated and tired, he finally gave up and went to sleep. But sometimes, when it's allowed to rest, the mind can come up with brilliant flashes of inspiration when you least expect them, especially when tackling a big problem "That's it!" he shouted as he awoke with a start. "Al!" he called out. "Al, where are you? I've got a great idea!" "What's wrong, son?" Sam heard a voice calling from down the hall. "Oh, uh, nothing, Mom," said Sam. "I'm fine." "Okay," said Beatrice and Sam could practically hear her drifting back to sleep. ######### On the set the next morning, Sam was doing a scene with some character named Montana Max, who was your typical bully. (In character, that is. Off the set, Monty, as he preferred to be called, seemed like a nice enough fellow, but as they said to one another while taking care of their make-up, that's show biz.) "Okay, Buster," said de Ville, "in this scene, you have to trick Monty into not beating you up, okay?" "How?" asked Sam. "The writers couldn't thing of anything. Improvise." "Oh, terrific," muttered Sam. "And.... Action!!" shouted de Ville. "Hey, you dweeby rabbit, gimme all your money or I'll pound you into a pancake!" "Oh yeah?" said Sam defiantly. "You and what army?" "CUT!!!!" screamed de Ville. "Buster, that is NOT funny!" "Sorry, Coop, er, uh, Mr. de Ville. "I guess I'm just not all that inspired this morning." De Ville could only roll his eyes and sigh. "Take five, everyone," he shouted, and then he stormed off the set and headed for a coconut oil rub-down in his trailer. Sam made his way over to the water cooler to get a drink. While he was there, the pink girl bunny from yesterday, Babs, walked up to him and said, "Hardy-har-har, very funny, Mister Comedy." "I suppose you could have done better?" asked Sam. "As a matter of fact, I could have done it better a hundred different ways!" "Well, then, why don't you do the scene?" he asked very innocently. "Right," sneered Babs. "So you can laugh at me?" "No, so I can see one of a hundred ways to do it," he replied casually. Babs fumed for a few seconds at that remark before turning a noticeably darker shade of pink. "Okay, Mr. Wiseguy, I'll do it. I'll show you that Barbara Anne Bunny can be funnier than you, Mr. Big Star." About then, Mr. de Ville came back from his rub down. "Okay, people," he said, "let's try it again. Buster, have you thought of a FUNNY way to do this scene yet?" "Uhm, well, you see, Mr. de Ville, I'd kinda like to let my friend Babs here take a shot at it, to see if she can show me a good way to do it." De Ville frowned. "The gofer? Oh, why not? At least she can't do any worse than you did with that lame army line." "Buster," whispered Monty, "what are you up to?" "Trust me on this," said Sam just as quietly. "I know what I'm doing." Monty had a doubtful look in his eye as Sam said that, but he only shrugged, as he and Babs took their places. "Action!" shouted de Ville. "Hey, you dweeby rabbit!" shouted Monty. "Gimme all your money, or else!" In response to Monty's threat, Babs began to spin around faster than the eye could follow. When she stopped, she was dressed in a red sequined dress that showed off her figure in a most flattering way. "Ooh, big boy," she purred in a deep throaty tone. "What do you want my *money* for, anyway?" Monty's eyes popped out of his head and the pupils turned into little hearts. His tongue dropped out of his mouth and hit the ground with an audible clang. Babs raised an eyebrow at him before gently blowing the tiniest puff of a kiss to him, which was more than enough to knock him over backwards and out cold. With that, Babs did another quick spin-change back into her regular clothes, and grabbing Monty's wallet she started counting the bills in it as she walked out of the scene. "CUT!!" shouted de Ville. "That was TERRIFIC!! I haven't seen anything so funny in years! Babs, how'd you like a job on the show?" "Oh, gee, Mr. de Ville," said Babs tentatively, "I dunno." She paused for just a moment with a look of great thoughtfulness on her face before she grinned at him and said, "Okay," getting a good chuckle out of everyone present. "Great acting, Monty," said Sam then as he helped him up of the ground. "Who's acting?" he replied. "She IS a knockout." "Yeah, I guess so," said Sam, feeling that Al would be a better judge of that. "Buster," called de Ville, "get over here!" "Yes, Mr. de Ville?" asked Sam when he had done so. "You're not calling me, 'Coop?'" he asked with bewilderment. "Yeah. I guess I finally got the message." "Well, that's nice, but it doesn't really matter. Now that we've got a really funny rabbit for the show, you're fired." "WHAT?" asked Sam, flabbergasted. "Sam," said Al as he suddenly appeared through the imaging chamber door, "we've got a new problem here." "Yeah, I know, Al. I've -- Buster's just been fired." Sam wandered away from the others so he and Al could talk in private. "Oh, is that it? No wonder these figures are changing so much." "What? What's happening?" "Well, the show does last for a year now, now called 'The Babs Bunny Show.' But it still doesn't do too much. It still got a lousy time slot in most markets, and Warner Bros. still loses its shirts on it." "So what do I do now?" asked Sam in desperation. "Well, get Buster back on the show for one thing. But you still need to give the show some bite, some zing." "Some more laughs?" "Bingo." "Well, how do I do that?" To this, Al had no answer, so Al went back to run some numbers though Ziggy (again!), and Sam went back to Buster's place to try and think. 'Why is this happening to me?' he thought to himself. 'There must be *something* that I can do here. Why would I have leaped here if I couldn't do anything? I wish I was back at Project Quantum Leap. There's a whole team there to help solve problems.' Then, it struck him. A team! THAT'S what the show needed! He'd read a few of the scripts, and the whole show had rested on Buster's -- now Babs's -- shoulders. What if there were some other characters on the show as well? For that matter, who said there only had to be one rabbit? Sam, looked through some of Buster's things, and soon found what he thought would solve another problem as well. ######### "Quiet on the set!" shouted de Ville. "Now, Babs, in this scene, you have to stop Bubba the Pit-Bull from throwing you in the pool, okay?" Okee-dokee, Mr. de Ville." "An' go easy on me," joked Bubba in a soft Southern twang, "Ah bruise easily." Everyone on the set had a chuckle at that, and then the scene started. Babs had barely gotten the words, "I'm Babs Bunny," out of her mouth when she was interrupted by Sam, saying, "And I'm Buster Bunny. No relation!" "CUT!!!" screamed de Ville. "Buster, what are YOU doing here? I fired you!" "Did you check my contract?" he asked calmly. "No!" he shouted. "Why?" "Because of THIS!" said Sam triumphantly as he produced the document. With a broad grin on his face, he pointed to a clause on the very first page that said, "YOU CAN'T FIRE BUSTER. (THIS INCLUDES YOU DE VILLE.)" "Oh," said Babs with disappointment. "So I guess it's back to being the gofer for me, huh?" "Nope," said Buster. "I want you in the show with me." "Huh?" asked Babs, somewhat brighter. "You can't do that," said de Ville. "This is designed as a one rabbit show." "Who says?" asked Sam. "Are there any rules that says there can't be more than one rabbit?" De Ville thought about it for a moment before saying, "Well, not that I know of." "Great" said Babs, he enthusiasm returning. "That means I can do some shows, and Buster can do some shows!" "Not only that," added Sam, "the two of can also do some shows together, as a team!" Babs' eyes lit up. "You mean that, Buster?" "Sure, why not? But, hey, who says rabbits have to be the ONLY stars of the program?" "What?" asked de Ville, looking thoroughly confused, and so did everyone else. "You know," said Sam. "Make it an ensemble show, with a big cast." "But there's never been an ensemble cartoon before," protested de Ville. "Well, at least not a funny one." "So why can't we be the first?" asked Sam. "'Hill Street Blues' did it, 'St. Elsewhere' did it, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' is doing it, so why can't we plan to do it?" As he said this, Sam hoped that he had the dates right on the 'Star Trek' one. "Well," said de Ville, the hesitancy in his voice very obvious, "I don't know..." "Look at it this way," said Sam. "It'll mean that there are that many more characters to put on lunch boxes, T-shirts, and in McDonald's Happy Meals!" "You know," said de Ville, "we won't be able to call it 'The Buster and Babs show.' We'll need a new name." "I think 'Tiny Toon Adventures' has a nice ring to it," said Babs. Sam nodded in agreement. De Ville's eyes finally lit up. "Y'know, Mr. Plotz just might buy this whole crazy idea." "Buster," hissed Babs, "what are you doing?" "Trust me, Babs. This'll work." "You're right," said Al as he suddenly appeared. "It does. They hire a whole bunch of teenaged animal characters, and the show is finally funny. It becomes something of a cult classic, and... Oh boy," he added, sounding somewhat concerned. "What?" asked Sam, sotto voce. "The show still only lasts one year, and there are tons of 'Tiny Toon Adventures' merchandise piled up in warehouses. Warner Bros. still takes a bath on it." Sam groaned. "So what else can we do?" "Well," said Babs dreamily, "you and I can go back to my place to study our lines..." "That's NOT what I meant," said Sam. "Hey, come on," said Al. "What are you complaining about? I mean, look at her. She's a young cute, attractive pink rabbit..." "But I'm not!" said Sam. "Not what?" asked Babs as she gazed into his eyes." "Interested in studying lines." "Oh, okay," said Babs, and she walked away crestfallen. "Nice going, Romeo." "Knock it off, huh, Al? She's really not my type." "No, nobody's your type, Mr. Boy Scout." "And EVERYBODY'S your type?" shot back Sam with irritation. Al grabbed at his chest. "Ooooch! I think you got me that time," he said sarcastically. Sam couldn't help but smile. "Okay, okay, enough of this. We have a job to do, remember?" "Okay," said Al, "you win. Still, if I was about forty years younger and a male Toon rabbit..." "Al!" "Okay, okay." "We've got to come up with some way to make this show a hit," said Sam. "Yeah, I know, but you're the idea man around here. You got any?" "Uhm, no. Not really. I've never worked in cartoons before, remember?" The two of them sat and thought about it for a few minutes. "Okay," said Sam after a while, "let's look at this logically. What was it that made the old Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies that Warner Bros. used to make so funny?" "Bugs Bunny," said Al. "Exactly. So all we have to do is get Bugs Bunny onto this show. That'd attract attention to it, right?" Al did a double take. "Have they been dropping anvils on your head or something? There is no way that Warner Bros. is gonna let it's biggest cartoon star be on a show like this." "Why not?" "Because he's doing other things." "Like what? When was the last Bugs Bunny film released?" "Uh, okay, so maybe he's not so busy," conceded Al. "But what's to keep him from overshadowing you -- I mean Buster -- and Babs, and becoming the star of the show himself?" "Well, he won't be on it all the time," suggested Sam. "Maybe he can be a sort of a mentor. You know, teach Buster and Babs how to be funny and stuff." Al thought it over. "Yeah, that could be good. But how are you gonna convince the big boys at Warner Bros. to do it? You're only a kid bunny actor, after all." "Hmmm. Good question. Uhm, let's try this. You go back and get all the info you can on Bugs Bunny. See if he's still around, where we can find him, that sort of thing." "Okay," said Al as he opened the door. "What about you?" "Don't worry about me. All I have to so is act like a cartoon rabbit, remember?" Al grinned as the door closed. Bubba the Pit Bull was still lounging around the set, reading a copy of 'Variatoon,' when something clicked in Sam's mind. "Hey, Bubba," he called over to the dog. "Yeah, Buster. What kin Ah do fer ya?" he drawled. "Did you think that the scene you and Babs were supposed to do was funny?" Bubba laughed. "You too, huh? Nope, less funny than a porcupine at a debutante ball. But, it pays mah bills, if'n ya know what Ah mean." "Well, yeah, but if it was funny, really funny, really really rib tickling kick 'em in the funny bone funny, wouldn't that make you feel better?" "Ah'm shore it would. Ah am a Toon, after all, and Ah aims to make people laugh." "Exactly!" said Sam with enthusiasm. "So, what if we were to, well, you know, doctor the script up a bit to make it really funny?" A conspiratorial twinkle formed in Bubba's eyes. "What'd y'all have in mind?" Sam whispered something into Bubba's ear, and a big smile formed on his face. A few moments later, Babs came back (she'd gone and locked herself in her trailer after Sam gave her the brush off, but de Ville had managed to talk her into returning to the set), and the scene was ready to go. Babs gave Sam a somewhat sour look, but that was the only indication that anything was wrong. "Okay," said de Ville, "here we go again. And... Action!" "Oh dear," said Babs. "I hope I don't fall into that pool and get all wet. It would take my ears WEEKS to dry out if I did!" "Ha, ha, ha! You puny leetle bunny type person," said Bubba as he jumped out of the bushes. "I'm going to pump you up!" "Bubba?" asked Babs, more than a little confused by his new Austrian accent. "Call me Ahnold, you puny scrawny wimpy rodent type you." "Mr. de Ville?" asked Babs with confusion. "Go with it," he replied. "This is great!" "Oh, uh, okay. Ahem. Uh, well, uh, Ahnold, what if I don't want you to throw me in the pool?" "Hear me now and believe me later, I'm the meanest, toughest, most buffed up und handsomest hound around. So if I vant to throw you in the pool, I vill!" "Cut!" shouted de Ville. "What's wrong, Mr. de Ville, suh?" asked Bubba, reverting to his natural twang. "We have to calm Babs down. She's laughing so hard that the camera's are shaking. I've never seen her laugh so much! Bubba, would you consider officially changing your name to Ahnold for the show?" "Ya, I vould!" he happily replied, switching back to the Austrian accent. "Excellent," said de Ville. "Maybe we can make this show interesting after all." Just then, the imaging door opened. "You did good, Sam," said Al as he stepped through it. "Arnold here goes on to be one of the most popular recurring characters on the show. But it doesn't really change things all that much." Curious, Sam slipped away to talk. Beside, it was obvious to him that he wasn't needed for the scene with Babs and Bubba, or rather Ahnold as he was now to be called. Once they were far enough away so he could talk without anyone overhearing him, Sam asked, "So what did you find out about Bugs?" "Oh, he's still around. Warners has him all set up in a small retirement home on the edge of the lot." "Retired?" "Yeah. Seems that he doesn't work all that much anymore, since all of his cartoons are nothing but re-runs now. He'll do an occasional special or Oscar show, but that's it. He's mainly just sitting around doing nothing, he's not even writing his memoirs." "That's pathetic," said Sam. "Bugs Bunny is one of the funniest cartoon characters who was ever drawn! A guy like that shouldn't retire. I mean, look at George Burns and Bob Hope." "Hey, I'm with ya, Sam. But don't tell it to me, tell it to the rabbit!" "Okay," said Sam, "you're right. Just tell me where he is." Al punched a few buttons on his handlink before looking to his right and saying, "Over this way, follow me." Before long, the two of them had made there way clean across the Warner lot, and they were approaching a modest little bungalow. "Is this it?" asked Sam with surprise. "Sure is," said Al. "In fact it..." Al was interrupted by a sudden whine from his handlink. "Oh boy," he said when he had checked it. "What?" "Ziggy says there's only a fifty-nine point two percent chance that talking to Bugs will do any good." "Well we've beaten odds like that before, haven't we?" "Yeah," admitted Al. "But this is a cartoon. Anything can happen here." "Well then, I'll just have to find a way to increase the odds." Saying that, Sam reached out and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the door was opened by Bugs Bunny himself. "What's up, Doc?" he asked. "Hi, Bugs." said Sam, who was quite nervous about meeting such a famous cartoon superstar. "I'm..." "Buster Bunny," interrupted Bugs. "You're that young knock-off of me that they got for that new 'Tiny Toons' show. Yeah, I know all about you. I've seen all the ink they've given ya in the trades. So, what do ya want, kid." "I want you to teach me how to be a funny bunny." Al's handlink beeped. "Oh, good one, Sam," he said as he checked it. "The odds just went up to sixty-three point seven percent" "Eh, you flatter me, kid, but don't go foolin' yerself. I'm almost fifty years old. That's too old for a Toon to be yukkin' it up. Go and see if that Roger Rabbit fellow can help ya," and he started to close the door. "No," protested Sam. "Wait!" "Sorry, kid," said Bugs and be finished closing the door. Sam stood there and starred at the door. "So now what?" "Beats me, Sam," said Al. Sam wandered back to the lot, feeling very dejected. They were shooting the final scene for the day, so he decided to watch. He couldn't help but smile as he watched Babs's antics, she actually was REALLY funny. He was glad that he had thought of including her in the show. Still, he felt down and it must have showed, for as soon as de Ville called it a wrap for the day, Babs hopped over to him and asked, "Hey, why so blue?" "Ha ha," said Sam with a smirk, thinking that she was referring to the color of Buster's fur. "No, really," she said. "You seem sorta depressed, and there's nothing more depressing than a depressed Toon." Sam had to smile at that. "Well," he said at last, "I was thinking that I need some training, so I went over to talk to Bugs Bunny and asked him if he would teach me some of his stuff, but he turned me down." "Hmmm. I see why you're depressed. Bugs is the best. We could learn a lot from him." "We? You're one of the funniest people -- rabbits -- I've ever met!" Babs suddenly whirled around into her Mae West outfit. "Mmm, flattery will get you everywhere, blue boy," she crooned. Then, whirling back into her normal attire, she added, "Nah. Do you really think so?" "Yes," said Sam, "I do." Quite suddenly, Babs grabbed Sam's face and gave him a big wet bunny kiss, sending bolts of electricity throughout his entire being. "Wow!" he managed to gasp when she let him go. "What was that for?" "For being nice," said Babs. "I'd always thought you were an egomaniacal jerk, but the last few days you've been different." "I'm sorry," said Sam, unsure of what else he should say. "Oh, don't be. I like the new you. You're sweet" said Babs with obvious affection in her voice, which made Sam feel more than a little uncomfortable. How was she going to react when he leaped out and the real Buster returned? "Listen," Babs continued. "Coop is giving us tomorrow off so he can audition some more characters. I hear there's a green duck who does Daffy impressions, he may get in. Let's you and me go and see if we can't convince Bugs to help us after all. I want this show to succeed too, you know. If it flops, it's back to the streets schlepping out used Easter candy." "Okay," said Sam as he leaned over to give her a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll pick you up at your place at nine." "Great!" said Babs. "It's a date!" and she hopped off towards her home. 'A what?' thought Sam. Why did he have the feeling that he was complicating Buster's life much more than he had intended. The next morning, Sam stood over Babs's rabbit hole, and called down into it, "Oh, Babsie dear. Your blue buddy is here!" Not the best, perhaps, but he thought it seemed like the kind of a thing a cartoon character would say. Babs popped up out of the whole with a single bound. "Hiya. So, what's the plan for Bugs?" Sam whispered something into her ear. She smiled. Then she giggled. Then she laughed. "Oh, Buster, that should get him interested in our show for SURE!" she said with glee. "Let's go!" A few moments later they were outside of Bugs's bungalow, and Sam knocked on the door. "Eh, what's up, Docs?" asked Bugs as he opened it." "Hiya, Bugs, I'm Buster Bunny," said Sam. "Yeah, I know. I remember you from yesterday." "And I'm Babs Bunny," chimed in Babs. "No relation!" they said in unison. Bugs smiled. "Heh, that's a good one. Not exactly my style though." "Yeah," said Sam, "we know. So, we were sorta thinking that if there were two of us that you'd reconsider teaching us some of your stuff." "Yeah, right. Like I'd want a couple a whippersnappers like you using all of me routines." "But that's the beauty of it!" said Babs. "You'll teach us on the air!" "What?" asked Bugs, genuinely curious. "We thought with all of your clout that you could get a school added to the show, a school for cartoon characters." "Hmm," said Bugs. "Not a bad idea. Tell me more." "Oh, uh," Sam stalled as he tried to think of something. "What my erudite colleague is trying to say," said Babs, "is that Warner Bros. has decided to add a whole bunch of new characters to the show. So we thought that you and some of the old..." "What? OLD?" shouted Bugs. "ME? I may be almost fifty, but I've only got one gray hair!" "You ARE one gray hare," deadpanned Sam. "Good job, kid," said Bugs as he pulled out a carrot. "You're loinin.'" "Uh, what I meant," said Babs, "was that you and some of the other, uhm, established cartoon stars could be the faculty of the school. You could all teach us things like wild takes, walking on air, getting konked by anvils and that sort of thing." "You know," said Bugs thoughtfully, "that just might fly. Let me get on the phone with the big shots at Warners and some of the guys. I ain't promisin' ya anyting, but I think I can talk 'em into it." "Gee, thanks Bugs," said Sam as he grabbed Bugs's hand and pumped up and down in an enthusiastic handshake. "This'll really make the show fly!" "No it won't," said Al as he appeared once more. Sam, not wishing to reveal his friend's presence to Bugs and Babs, cocked his head sideways in a silent gesture of, "Huh?" "The show does a little better with Bugs and the others, but not much, and it still only lasts for one season." 'Oh boy,' thought Sam. 'What's it gonna TAKE to make this show a hit so I can leap?' ########## Leaping from life to life has given me many opportunities. Opportunities nobody else could possibly have. I've been a doctor, a priest, a musician, a test pilot, a baseball player, a gunslinger, a rainmaker, a secretary, an actor, a singer, a dancer, a famed sex therapist, a chimpanzee, and even myself. But in each of those cases, I've never had a problem relating, because all of those people had something I could identify with, something to hang on to so I could figure out what was going on and how to change things. But this time I was a cartoon rabbit. Growing up on a farm, I never had much time to watch cartoons, so even though I'd been Buster Bunny for a number of weeks now, I still wasn't sure of how to act at times, and I certainly couldn't figure out what else I could do to make myself leap -- no pun intended. I'd done everything that Al and I could think of to improve the show's performance, and yet I was still here in Acme Acres. Al told me recently that back in the waiting room, Buster was finally becoming a more humble bunny, and he probably would no longer cause Cooper de Ville to quit when he returned, but it seemed even that wasn't enough. No matter how many times Ziggy ran over the scenarios, the answer was always the same: the show would last for a single year, getting little mass attention or support, Warner Bros. would lose a lot of money, and Buster, Babs and the rest of the cast would disappear into oblivion. As strange as my situation was, I enjoyed these cartoon characters, and I didn't want to let that happen. Bringing in Bugs, Daffy and all the rest of the old Looney Tunes characters has made things more interesting on the set, and I'm learning a lot about being a Toon from them. The school I proposed, Acme Looniversity, is great, but it still hasn't done any good. Even bringing in these new characters, Pluck Duck (Daffy's protege), Hamton J. Pig, Furrball the Cat, Elmyra (no one is ever going to believe that she is a Rhodes Scholar; she's got playing dumb down pat!), Gogo Dodo, Shirley the Loon, Fifi LaFume and all the others hasn't done much to change the figures. Al kept telling me that the only thing killing the show was the lousy time slots it got in most of the big markets. So one day, even more frustrated than usual, I went for a long jog to work off some of my tensions before I read the next day's shooting script. (Babs had suggested a few other ways to work off nervous tension, but I politely declined.) Getting back to Buster's burrow, I took a quick shower and flopped down onto the bed with the script. But my mind was still ticking over the problem of getting the show noticed. It needed something, or someone, else to make it noticed above all the other cartoons that were going to be turned out that year. But that "something" just didn't come to me, no matter how much I tried to think of it. So I finally gave up for the moment and decided to look over my script. The episode was entitled, "Rock & Roar" and it involved me -- Buster -- adopting a baby dinosaur. A bit farfetched maybe, but it was certainly a good cartoon. Then, it hit me. One of Buster's -- my -- lines. It was near the end of the script and hit me like a ton of bricks. The possibilities and realizations came whooshing into my head. I quickly put down the script and called Babs. ########## Babs's phone rang, and she grabbed at it several times before finally picking it up. "Hello?" she said sleepily. "Babsy," said Sam excitedly, "remember what Mr. de Ville was telling us in the cast meeting last week about how our chances aren't looking so good because of the lousy time slots that we're being put into in most markets?" "Mmm hmm," said Babs, still sleepy.. "Well, what if we had some big name, I mean a REALLY REALLY BIG name, at the start of the show as executive producer?" "Hmmm?" mumbled Babs. 'I've been here too long,' Sam thought. 'I'm actually starting to understand how Toons think.' "Have you checked the script for 'Rock & Roar' yet?" "The dinosaur one we're starting tomorrow? Yeah, so?" "Remember the line at the end that Buster -- that I say when the land of the dinosaurs is revealed?" "Hang on," said Babs, sounding more awake. "I'll check." A few seconds later, Sam could hear the rustling of pages followed by, "You mean his one, 'How Spielbergian.'? Hey, waitaminute, Buster, you're not suggesting that we get Steven Spielberg involved in our show, are you?" "Why not? Think of the clout that the show would have then. And as Executive Producer, he wouldn't even have to do anything except put his name on the credits. It'd be just like old Leon Schlesinger did in the old days for the Looney Tunes!" "Gee, I dunno," said Babs, who was now fully awake. "Look, I'm going to propose this tomorrow morning to Mr. de Ville. I'll do it even before we start to work. Bugs can talk to Spielberg, he's worked with him before on 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?' and we know that Spielberg is a fan of Warner Bros. cartoons. But before I try it, I want you in my corner. Whattaya say?" "Okay, why not? I mean, it's so crazy, it just might work!" "That's cartoon cliche number three," said Sam. "Good going, Buster. I see that you're actually learning something from Bugs after all." Somehow, Sam could hear the smile on her face as Babs said this. "I'll see you in the morning," she added before hanging up, and then Sam went right to sleep. ########## The next morning, Sam and Babs made their pitch to de Ville. "Are you nuts?" he asked. "Spielberg would never consent to working on another cartoon after 'Roger Rabbit.'" "But he won't be working on it," said Sam. "He'd just be window dressing to get us a better time slot." "Yeah," added Babs. "You wouldn't want the show to end up prematurely dying a young death before it's time, would you? Where would you be then? More importantly, where would I be?" De Ville thought about it. "Okay," he said at last, "we'll try it. All the other ideas that you've come up with so far have been good ones, Buster, so maybe this one will be, too. I'll call Bugs and try set up a meeting between him and Spielberg." "Thanks, Mr. De Ville," said Sam. "Call me Coop," said the director with a warm smile. ########## Two days later, Sam still hadn't heard anything. Al had stopped by to tell him that things were now in such a state of flux that Ziggy couldn't come up with any possibilities at all, and Sam wondered if that was good or bad. Still, the show must go on, so Sam made "Rock & Roar." He really enjoyed working with Rover the dinosaur, who proved to be a great cut-up, and the two of them improvised some of their scenes, all of which kept Sam too busy to really think about the larger problem. So it turned out to be a great shock when at the end of the day, after receiving a phone call on the set, de Ville picked up his megaphone and started shouting, "SPIELBERG IS COMING!!!!" "WHAT?" said everyone else on the set in unison. "He's on his way here now, with Bugs. Come on, let's get this place presentable." But before anyone could do anything, Bugs walked onto the set with a middle aged bearded man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and an "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" baseball cap. "Oh, hi everyone," said the man, who was obviously Steven Spielberg, the highly successful and legendary director. "Just thought I'd pop in and see how things were going. Don't mind me," and he plopped down in a chair next to the director. "Uhm, okay, let's do scene twenty-four," shouted Coop. Very quickly, everyone was in place, and he shouted, "Action!" The cave wall opened up to reveal a vista of jungle and dinosaurs. The lighting effects were perfect, for once they came out right! "Ooh, how Spielbergian!" said Sam on cue. He heard an appreciative chuckle. They finished shooting the rest of the episode without a hitch, despite a huge amount of nervous tension in the air. When Coop finally shouted, "Cut!! And print! That's a wrap!" a huge sigh of relief was let out by just about everyone, but more than that, Spielberg began to applaud. "This show it great!" he said. "Bugs showed me some of the rushes earlier, and I love it! This is what cartoons are supposed to be like!" "So you'll become executive producer?" asked Sam. "Sure I will. And you know, all those dinosaurs... I wonder...Maybe... Might make a good movie," he added thoughtfully. "You did it, Sam!" said Al as he popped through his door. "'Steven Spielberg Presents Tiny Adventures' becomes a huge success! It runs for three years, then goes on to be a big hit in reruns on cable. Along the way they produce the first direct to video cartoon feature, which is so successful that it creates a whole new market. They also win a truckload of Emmys and other awards!" "That's great, Al. What about Buster? What happens to him?" Al punched a few buttons on his link, smiled and said, "He and Babs eventually get married and have over a hundred kids!" And Doctor Sam Beckett leaped. ########## Reality reformed itself around Sam. He was sitting in front of a bank of switches and cables. Bells were ringing incessantly in his ears. He was wearing a white blouse and a red skirt. A number of women near him were talking into microphone-like devices, and many were saying, "Operator, may I help you?" "Oh, boy," said Sam But that is a tale for another time, another place, and another writer. The End