And now a brief message from Abel Dusable O.K everyone... this is my first real attempt at writing TTA in script format, so go easy on the criticism. Also... it may not quite fit into a half-hour show, but then again that's what editors are for right? Enjoy. Abel DuSable By Abel DuSable dusable@escape.ca The setting is a typical summer day upon a grass covered hill overlooking Acme Acres. On the top of the hill is a picnic spread of various carrot dishes. Buster and Babs sit in the middle of it all, laughing warmly. Babs: Oh Buster... this day has been so wonderful that I'm wondering if I should pinch myself to see if it's a dream. Buster: Dream's not over yet Babsy. Buster gets to the classic "on one knee" pose and holds up a very large, very sparkly diamond ring in front of Babs' equally large and sparkly eyes. Babs: (Excited) Oh Buster! Does this mean...? Buster: Babs... will you... will you get your cottontail out of bed this instant? Babs: (Blinks) Huh? The peaceful scene shifts to Babs' bedroom and Buster becomes her mother looming over her. Babs sits squinting amid her tangled "TTA" sheets in her "WB" PJ's. Mom: Honestly Babs, we have someplace important to go to today, and here you are lying in bed like it's not important. Babs: Uh... Did I miss a family memo or something around here, because I don't exactly see anything written out on my calendar. Mom: Oh that's right, we never told you. Your father didn't want you to get your hopes crushed, bless his misguided heart. Put on your Sunday best hon, I'll explain everything in the car. Babs, bewildered but too confused and sleepy to put up a fight, opens her closet (displaying dozens of identical yellow and purple outfits) selects a dress and looks up at the camera. Babs: A little privacy please? Ripple dissolve to the family auto' interior. Babs sits in the back seat looking up at the backs of her parent's heads as they talk to her. Babs: Ok... now that we're merrily on our way, would it be too much trouble to ask for some plot exposition? Mom: Oh sure hon. You see this goes back to the day you were born. Babs: (Sarcastic) Ancient history... great. Mom: You certainly took you time being born, I was in that hospital room for hours... your brother on the other hand was quite eager to make his grand entrance. Babs: (Arches an eyebrow) Brother? Mom: That's right hon. You were one of a set of twins. Your brother was born first by three hours and sixteen minutes. Babs: Ok... this is a joke right? Those "Separated at birth" stories don't happen in real life. This is where Alan Funk jumps out and says, "You're on Candid Camera!" Right? Dad: I loved that show... why'd they ever cancel it? Mom: Because Alan Funk is dead, dear. It's hard for a person to host a show after that. Dad: (Chuckles) Oh that's right. How silly of me. Say didn't his son take over for a while after that? Mom: Why, yes he did... but it wasn't as popular after that. Babs: Could we get back to the plot complication at hand? If I had this brother, how did he go missing? Mom: Well, hon... computers were new back then and a lot of files got shuffled about. Your brother was... Babs: Lost in the shuffle, I get it. So let me guess. We're going to the office of a Private Investigator who has at long last tracked down my long lost brother. Dad: How'd you guess? Babs: (Aside) Someone has to keep this cockamamie story moving. The car pulls up to a brownstone styled building and the family climbs out. Babs reads the Brass Plaque at the entrance. Babs: "Black and White Detective Agency. From Consulting to Spade all cases undertaken." Dad: Com'on Pumpkin, let's not keep the Gumshoe waiting. Babs:( Sarcastic) Oh no. We mustn't keep him in suspense... not after how you've kept me in the dark all these years only to spring this on me early one Saturday morning. Mom: Don't sass your father dear. The three enter the building and walk up to the elevator. The doors open and Mary Melody stands within, dressed as an elevator operator. Mary: Hop in folks. The rabbits shrug and literally 'hop' into the elevator. The doors shut and they are ferried to the third floor where they 'hop' out and down the hall. Mary is handed a check and she sighs. Mary: (to the camera) [sigh]Another cameo, another paycheck. The family continues down the hall passing a series of open doors, each with a brief cameo of famous detectives. >Room 1: A 221B Baker street clone with Dr. Watson flailing his arms about and Holmes looking stoic in his armchair. Watson: (yelling) Blast you Holmes! Stop treating me like a fool! I am a Doctor by profession! An educated, grown man... Do you know what school I attended? Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson. >Room 2: A black and white Sam Spade office clone. A moment from the Maltese Falcon is in progress. Sam: Yes, I have feelings for you but you killed my partner, and when a man's partner is killed by a dame, he's supposed to do something about it. I'm sorry but you're going up the river. Dame: Oh Sam, will you wait for me? Sam: Why? You'll be old by the time you get out. >Room 3: A clone of Mrs. Fletcher's living room. A Cop snaps cuffs on Her while she scowls to someone off screen. Cop: You're under arrest Mrs. Fletcher. It took us long enough to figure out that all the murders that you were 'solving' were really caused by you in an attempt to garner yourself some free publicity for your mystery novels. Mrs. Fletcher: And I would have gotten away with it all if it weren't for those meddlesome kids and their dog. A "Scooby Doo Gang" Knock off walk into frame all smiling. Shoobie: Shoobie Doobie Doo! Babs arches an eyebrow at the camera and chuckles. Babs: Cute... the only thing we're missing is a cameo by... A male fox and a female skunk in long, black trenchcoats walk up to Babs and display FBI credentials. Fox: Pardon me miss, I'm Agent Fox Moldy, this is my partner Agent Skunky, Furry Bureau of Investigations. We're currently investigating a mysterious series of unwarranted cameos in a fanfic. Have you seen anything unusual as of late? Babs shrugs at the camera and gestures to the series of open doors she just passed. Fox and Skunky walk past her and down the hall. Fox: Thank you for your cooperation. Skunky: Let's get this over quickly, Moldy. I want to catch tonight's rerun of Millenium. Babs and her family continue down the hall to an open door at the far end. On the frosted glass window is the image of a magnifying glass and the words "Genealogical Detection Services". They enter the office and a behind a telephone covered secretary's desk, a young, chocolate brown, female Raccoon scrutinizes the trio over her horned-rim glasses. Babs: Hi Harriet. Harriet: Hi Babs. What're you doing here? Dad: We have an appointment. Harriet: Oh! Sorry... One moment please. Harriet walks into the next room where low muffled conversation takes place and she walks out with a small Black Sable in a grey trenchcoat right behind her. Abel: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Bunny. You're a bit early but that's all right. We need to discuss a few things in advance anyway. Oh.... This must be your daughter, Barbara Anne Bunny. Babs: (through clenched teeth) Actually, I prefer "BABS" Bunny. Abel: (takes Babs' hand and kisses it) As you wish... although shortening your name to one syllable does your beauty no justice, but enough pleasantries. Your parents and I have some final lines of business before I can introduce you to your new Big Brother. Mom: Just have a seat dear. We won't be long. Babs: ( A little confused by the hand kiss) Um... sure. Fine. Abel: You have my word that this won't take long. I have several families to unite today and speed will be needed to get through them all. Abel, Mom and Dad all enter his inner office and the door shuts tight leaving Babs all alone with Harriet in the outer office. Harriet giggles, catching Babs' attention. Babs: What are you looking at me like that for, Harriet? Harriet: Charming, isn't he? Babs: Who? The weasel? Nahhhhhhhhh! Harriet: Actually Abel's a Sable, and if he weren't charming, you'd have really let him have it over that "Barbara Anne" slip. Babs: (chuckles) All right Harriet, he's got a quick wit. I'll give him that, but I already have a boyfriend. Harriet: And how's Buster doing these days? Babs: Same as ever. Boyfriend one day, best friend the next. Harriet: That Bunny really keeps you jumping, hmmmm? Babs: A little, but I still can twist him around my finger if I have to. Harriet: I can see why you keep him though. He *IS* cute. Babs: You better believe it, and he's all mine. Harriet: Just let me know when you're done with him. I can do a lot with leftovers like those. Babs: HARRIET! Harriet: BABS! Babs and Harriet break into girlish laughter when Buster walks in and looks between the two with a puzzled expression. Buster: I hope I'm not interrupting anything important. Babs and Harriet both look over to Buster, then at one another displaying sly grins. Babs: Oh, just girl talk. What are you doing here Buster? Buster: (Looks away, with an embarrassed expression) Well, I sorta put some money into this Investigation department a while back to see if somewhere out there I might have some family. Babs: I always thought Bugs was your dad. Buster: I wish. He's a good mentor and easy to talk to but... Well, let's just say I'd like to know where my roots are from. Anyway, I got a call last night that they found a lead and wanted me to come in today to check it out. Babs: That explains the clean shirt. Buster: Hey, if I do have kinfolk, I want to make a lasting impression that doesn't have anything to do with poor hygiene. What's your story? Babs: Turns out I have a long lost twin brother that I was never told about. Buster: Sounds like "Candid Camera" material. Babs: Tell me about it. Buster: Watch out for hackneyed plot complications. It sounds a little too contrived to be trusted. Babs: Don't worry, I can smell a sinister plot twist a mile away. Good luck with your family Buster. Buster: Thanks. Good luck with yours too. Abel walks out of the office at his moment with Babs' parents and smiles. Abel: Oh! You're early, Buster. Buster: Yeah, I figured I needed some time to, y'know... get ready. I'm not going to be in your way, am I? Abel: On the contrary, your timing couldn't be better. Buster Bunny, I would like you to meet your real parents... Mr. and Mrs. Bunny. Mr. and Mrs. Bunny say hello to your long lost son.... Buster Bunny! 'Dramatic Revelation' music. A long silence is exchanged between everyone in the room then Babs places her hands on her hips and gives Abel a look of annoyed disbelief. Babs: You're kidding, right? Abel: No. Babs: This has to be some kind of sick joke. Abel: I assure you, It's not. Why are you questioning my skills of genealogical detection? Babs beckons to Abel to come closer. When his head is right next to hers she takes his ear between her fingers and whispers softly into it. Babs: (whisper) Let me clue you in on a little secret Hon... Babs takes a soft inhaling breath before shouting right into Abel's unprotected, triangular ear causing his bright blue eyes to bulge and his teeth to grind together. Babs: (Whisper to Shout) The Rabbit you're telling me is my long lost brother is *CURRENTLY MY BOYFRIEND!* Abel: (wincing) GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! If what you screamed in my ear is true... Buster: Buster Bunny... Babs: And Babs Bunny... Babs and Buster in unison: *ARE* Related... Up "Dramatic Revelation" music. Buster: The whole relationship between us would be a sham... like some weird Greek Tragedy. A Lagomorphic Oedipus Rex but with siblings instead of the usual casting! A second long silence fills the room when Harriet sidles over to Buster and slips him a folded piece of paper. Harriet: (Whisper) I get off at six. Call me. Scene change: Buster, Babs, Mom, Dad and the rest of the 'Bunny' family pour over piles of books, newspapers and assorted documents with Buster heading up the attack. Mom: Buster dear, we've been over all of mister DuSable's research almost eighteen times. I don't think a nineteenth time is going to change a thing. Dad: Come on son. There are worse fates than having me as a father. Why not just accept that we're your parents, Babs is your sister and I'll take you fishing. Buster: Look Mr. Bunny... I know you and Mrs. Bunny are nice people... you might even make great parents for me, but I can't give up what Babs and I have without a fight. Mom: He's definitely your son dear, he's as stubborn as you are. Buster: Please! Stop calling me your Son! Babs: Look Buster. I want out of this as much as you, perhaps even more but we can't dispute the paper trail in front of us. Everything has been laid down in black and white, we can't ignore that. Buster: Babs, it's only paper. It doesn't prove anything but a chain of random events and guesswork that leads up to a FLAWED conclusion. I wouldn't even use this to line Professor Tweety's cage. Babs: I know how you feel. We were so sure of our destiny together before but now, after reading all this material over and over I'm more confused than ever. What if it's true? What if we are... of the same blood? Buster: (Holds babs) Keep telling yourself... "It's only paper", "It's only paper". Babs: You're right. It's only paper. It's only... Buster? Buster: What, Babs? Babs: I have it. Buster: You have it? Babs: The answer! I have the answer! Buster: Well don't keep me in suspense Babsy! What is it? The camera zip-pans to the interior of Calamity Coyote's Lab. Mom and Dad stand off to one side, Buster and Babs apply bandages to their arms and Calamity, Clad in a white lab coat, goggles and his sneakers, walks over to a monstrously large technical apparatus with two needles. One needle is filled with pink fluid, the other with blue. He performs scientific stuff while the four rabbits converse. Babs: DNA analysis, the only sure-fire way to be sure of whom is related to whom. Before you can say "Speedy's been deported" you and I will be back to 'No relation' again. Buster: And with Calamity being the one to do the test we can be sure of a fair and impartial decision. Babs, you're so brilliant I could kiss you! Dad: Until this DNA thing says otherwise, that'd better be a brotherly kiss. Buster: Fair enough. Babs: You ready Calamity? Calamity: ('Sign' language) A-O.K. Babs: Then let'r rip! Calamity presses a button causing the pink and blue contents of two glass tubes to empty into the machine. Lights flash, magnetic tape spools whirl, Pinky runs in a small hamster wheel (Narf!), beeps clicks and whistles fill the air, numbers scroll through a computer screen and at the far end of the machine, purple fluid is dispensed into a test tube and bombarded with lasers. The machine stops and Calamity looks pleased with himself until Buster taps him on the shoulder. Buster: Well Calamity? What's the verdict? Calamity checks the glowing computer screen, holds the purple test tube up to the light, adjusts the beads on an Abacus, consults a 'Magic Eight Ball' and half buries himself in the long printout coming out of the computer before replying. Calamity: ('Sign' Language) Buster + Babs = Relation. Babs: WHAT! Are you sure? Calamity: ('Sign' language) 100% Babs: There's gotta be a mistake! Did you recheck your figures? Calamity: ('Sign' Language) 3 X Dad: (Slaps Buster's back) Welcome to the family, Son! Buster:(Exasperated) This is just great. What are we supposed to do now? With a dramatic flourish, Calamity whips off his goggles and lab coat to reveal a Black Tuxedo beneath. He drops to one knee and holding up a large bouquet of Red Roses to Babs he speaks. Calamity: (Voiced By Tony Jay) Ah, Lady Babs. To you I hereby submit my proposal... will you be my girlfriend? Buster slow-burns in the background, Babs once again turns to the camera. Babs: Somehow all credibility of this being an "Impartial" test has vanished. Marching up to Calamity and seizing him by the collar, Buster scowls right in his face. Buster: CALAMITY! You... Scavenger! You fudged the test didn't you? Calamity: Bite your tongue Buster! I may be an opportunist but even I have my pride. She is by all means your sister and therefore... Rabbit season has opened not only on her... but you as well." Buster: What do you mean? Calamity: (With a grin.) Only that news travels quickly in Acme Acres. Before either Buster or Calamity can react a purple blur cannonballs into the two. Calamity is sent flying into a pile of debris while Buster finds himself being smothered affectionately by Acme Acre's resident Femme Fatale, Fifi LaFume. Fifi: Hold me! Your love for me is true blue! Buster: (Struggling to free himself) FIFI! What are you doing? Fifi: Oh Bustaire. Do not deny your feelings for me. We both know zat we have had eyes for each ozer all zis time. Only did your relationship wis Babs and mine wis Hampton hold us back. Now zat ze swine has gone on to a Fowl girlfriend and you and Babs can no longer date.... Mmmm except maybe in some backwater parts of Arkansas, you... and I can at long last reveal our passions for one anozer! Fifi Kisses Buster with total abandonment and now it's Babs' turn to seethe with anger. Babs: Hey, you Jezebel! Get your French fried paws off... Fifi: (Fast interjection) Your **BROTHER**? Mmmmmm? Babs: Uh, yeah? My... brother. Take your hands off of him? Fifi: Face up to ze facts Babs, ze Blueboy is public domain now. But somesing tells me you will not have ze time to worry about him. Babs: Huh? As Fifi ardently assaults Buster, Babs looks behind her to see Calamity on bended knee, this time offering her a diamond ring. Mom and Dad discuss the scene between them. Calamity: Babs and Calamity... it has a good 'RING' to it, wouldn't you say? Dad: It might be an advantage to have a carnivore in the family. Look what it did for "Kevin and Kell". Mom: Buster and the French girl make such a cute couple. What do we know about her family? Babs and Buster break free from their respective suitors and run screaming out doors on opposite sides of the Laboratory leaving four remaining toons with startled looks on their faces. Fifi: I sense a fear of commitment. Non? Everyone in the Lab nods in agreement. Cut to Babs who runs deep into the woods and stops in the middle of a picturesque clearing to catch her breath. Panting and gasping for air she leans against a tree for support when she realizes Vinnie the Deer is leaning against the other side. Vinnie: Hey there Bunny-Girl. What's with the marathon? Babs: Oh, hi Vinnie. Didn't see you there. Just outrunning an amorous Coyote. Vinnie: Calamity? I'd put my money on your legs over his. So why is he chasing you anyway, wouldn't Buster clean his clockwork just for trying? Babs: Remember how we always said "No Relation" ? Vinnie: Yes? Babs: We were wrong. Vinnie: Oh, I get it! Well, he's got good taste. You're one fine looking furry femme. Babs: Thanks, but I'd rather not date a carnivore. Vinnie: (Takes a step towards her) How do you feel about Herbivores then? Babs: (Takes a step back) Uh, seeing that I am one, I have nothing against them... Vinnie: (Takes another step into her "personal Space") Tell me Babs, how do you feel about Deer in particular? Babs: (Backs up again, nervous now, Eyes darting about) A-heh. Well, t-the only Deer I personally know is you. Vinnie: (Another step) Well then, how would you like to get to know me just a little more personally? Babs: (Backs into a tree) I... I just don't know what to say Vinnie. This is so sudden. Vinnie: Not for me, Homegirl. You may be a pink rabbit but I've always had an eye on you. I promised myself a long time ago that when you finally shook Buster free I'd tell you how much I dig you, baby! Vinnie grabs Babs and kisses her so hard her ears curl up and snap to their full length again. Dissolve to Buster who is sneaking about the Looniversity campus with a paranoid look on his face. He peeks around the side of the Gymnasium when suddenly a dark shadow looms over him and he slowly turns to it in fear. Buster: Oh no... The shadow is cast by none other than the skunkette, Bimbette. She smiles sweetly, breathes deeply, and causes Buster to break out in a cold sweat. Bimbette: Gasp! Buster Bunny! Buster: I'm a dead rabbit. Bimbette: (Hands Buster an autograph book) Can I have your autograph? Buster: (Visibly relieved) Yeah? I mean Yes! Yes I can give you my Autograph. Buster enthusiastically signs the book and returns it to Bimbette. She smiles and kisses him on the nose before leaving. Bimbette: Thanks. Buster watches the shapely Skunkette walk away and chuckles to himself. Buster: You're getting paranoid Buster old boy. This just goes to prove that not every girl you meet wants to love the life out of you. Elmyra: (In the distance) There he is! Get the single Bunny-Wunny! Buster is interrupted from his moment of rest in time to see Elmyra and several of her "Elmyra-clone" relatives charging straight towards him from several directions. With no place to run he cringes and awaits the impact when a yellow arm with a white glove reaches out of the Gymnasium window, seizes him and pulls him inside. The Elmyras collide with the wall knocking themselves out. Buster's eyes glow in the dark of the Gym and his voice echoes in the expanse as he looks about. Buster: What happened? Where am I? Am I dead and wound up someplace religious? A match is struck in the dark and applied to a candle by the same arm that drew him in. Buster is seated upon a chair at a dinner table set for two (Mainly carrot dishes). He timidly looks up at the figure blowing out the match and relaxes. Buster: Oh, Lola... I mean Coach. It's you. You had me Worried for a minute there. Lola smiles at him and the camera pans back revealing her dressed in a long form-hugging dress. Without a word she seats herself as soft music begins to play in the background. Lola: And why is that Buster? Buster: It's a loooooooong story, Coach. Lola: We have time Buster, and please... call me Lola. Dissolve to Babs and Vinnie who are still kissing. Babs' eyes are wide open in shock and her ears are winding and unwinding together. Vinnie finally breaks off the kiss and smiles at her. Vinnie: And there's more where that came from. Babs: I... I... Gotta go! Babs bolts from the clearing running both far and fast. Vinnie makes one last comment to the camera. Vinnie: Difference between Pepe LePew and me is... I overwhelm 'em in a different way. Babs continues running until she finds herself on the front stairs of the Looniversity. Once again she rests but seems a little more nervous. Babs: I don't get it. The instant I'm no longer an 'item' with Buster I become a hot commodity? When did this happen? Brain: Is it not obvious to you? Surely the multitude of factors are impossible to overlook. Babs turns around to see the Brain standing on the stairs, regarding her with his usual stare. Babs: The Brain? Great, the cameos are coming fast and furious now. What did you mean by 'the multitude of factors'? Brain: Only that you are the head cheerleader, the most popular girl in Acme Acres, quick-witted, aesthetically pleasing, Funny and loaded with talent... a powerful series of traits. Babs: So what you're saying is that if it weren't for Buster I'd be swamped with proposals. Brain: YES! Babs: I had no idea I was so popular. Brain: Be that as it may, I too have a proposal for you. Babs: Come again? Brain: By allying my vast intelligence with your innate capacity to impersonate not only celebrities but public officials we would have the means to... Babs: Take over the world? Brain: *YESS!* Babs: Um, it's a tempting offer but I'm not sure I'm ready for the career relationship yet. Besides I don't think it would have the same effect for you to say, "Come Babs, Let us prepare for tomorrow night". Brain: What would be happening tomorrow night? Babs (Still impersonating the Brain) The same thing we do every night, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Brain: Have I truly become that predictable? Chorus: They're Babsy... Babsy and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain. Brain: How distressing... Babs: Oh, you'll take over the world someday. Brain: Not that... the approaching stampede of male suitors heading in this direction. Babs looks up, sees the Stampede and does a "Fear Take". Babs: What do I do now? Brain: Flee in terror. Yes, that would be the wisest course! Babs: Thank you. Babs gives a loud shriek of terror and makes a run for it, the Brain is trampled underfoot by the pursuing mob of males. Suddenly Apu of the Simpsons runs into frame with a torch and shouts over the din. Apu: Remember that we need 51 percent of the carcass to claim the reward! Fox and Skunky come out of nowhere, grab Apu and begin handcuffing him. Apu hangs his head in shame. Fox: I'm afraid you'll have to come with us for questioning involving these unwarranted cameos. Apu: How embarrassing. I hope my mother does not see this. Skunky: Try not to bruise him, Moldy. I still haven't done an Autopsy scene yet. Apu: Noooooooo! Switch to Buster's dinner with Lola. The dinner lies half-eaten, the candles half melted and Buster is finishing telling his tale to Lola. Buster: And that's how I wound up here. Screwy huh? Lola: I'll admit it's quite the pickle. However it's good to finally know the whole story. Buster: "Finally"? Lola: News travels fast in Acme Acres. It may not be very PC but the three best ways for news to travel are Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman. In this case, Harriet. Buster: I should have known the little Gossipmonger would be at work here. Lola: I wanted to have a chance to speak to you before you became too busy. Buster: Uh, what about? Lola: Tell me Buster, haven't you ever-found Babs a bit... immature? Buster: Well she's wild and unpredictable at times... but that's just who she is. Lola Doesn't it wear on you after a while? Buster: There are times I wish I could find her 'off' button, if that's what you mean. Lola: A bit too wild? Buster: I'll say, sometimes I take her out and don't even know who I'm dating. I could wind up with Barbara Walters, Cher, Joan Rivers or Queen Elizabeth the second. Lola: Poor boy... perhaps what you need is some mature companionship. Lola places her hand on top of Buster's and he gasps in shock. Buster: (beginning to sweat) L-Lola! I... Whuh.... What about Bugs? Lola: Bugs is fun to be with, but a woman has to keep her options open. I've heard a lot about you Buster. A lot of girls talk about you in the locker room. Buster: (Trying to carefully take his hand away) R-really? Lola: It's always, "Buster did this..." and "Buster did that...", I'm curious if all the rumors were true. Buster: Ulp! Lola: (Strokes Buster's cheekfur) What's wrong? Don't you find me attractive? Buster: (Gently pushes Lola's hand away) L-Lola... You are a *VERY* beautiful rabbit. I'll even confess to having the odd... daydream about you, but... I can't be the one to get between you and Bugs. You and him deserve better than that, you need the chance to get close, to learn about one another. I'm not about to be the reason you two don't connect. Lola smiles slightly and arches an eyebrow at Buster. She releases his hand before settling back in her chair. Lola: The girls were right... you are good. I've never been turned down so nicely before. The girl who gets you will have quite the prize. Buster: Thanks. Lola: You better run along now. Buster: Why? Long Shot: Behind Buster the far doors to the gym are flung open and a crowd of female toons pose with Fifi in the Lead. She points at Buster and cries out. Fifi: Zere he ees! Buster: Gotta Bolt, Coach! Buster leaps from his seat and bounds out the window with the crowd right on his heels. Lola is left at the table all alone. She dabs her lips with a napkin and raises her hand. Lola: Check please! Babs runs across the grounds with her personal stampede of suitors hot on her tail, she sees Buster running the opposite direction with his own wave of adorers in pursuit. The two Rabbits pass by one another. Babs: Hi Buster! Buster: Hi Babs! Babs: Bye Buster! Buster: Bye Babs! The camera pans up to the clock tower revealing the time to be 4:25. The scene fast-forwards causing the hands to spin around the clock until it reaches 6:41. Pan down to the Looniversity grounds where Buster staggers into the long shadow of a tree and promptly flops forward onto his face, gasping for air. Shirley, chanting and floating nearby glances over and looks concerned. Buster: Cuh... *Gasp!* Can't run any further... *Wheeze* Gotta... Gotta rest... Shirley: Um... Like hello? Buster? Are you all... Buster: *GROAN!* Et tu Shirley? Shirley: Huh? Buster: All right... Go ahead. Take me... I'm too tired to care anymore. Shirley: "Go ahead"? "Take me"? Ex-CUSE me Buster, but what ARE you talking about? Buster: Aren't you going to declare your long hidden crush on me and try to take advantage of my weakened condition? Shirley: Gag me with a spoon! I mean you're a nice guy and everything Buster, but even if I had a crush on you that could SERIOUSLY compromise my karma or some junk. I like, totally have a boyfriend already. Buster: (Pulls himself up on his elbows) Wait a minute. Are we talking about Plucky here? Shirley: Ok, I'll like, be the first to admit he's not much spiritually speaking of course, but someplace deep down I think there's a good mallard waiting for me to find him... deep, deep down of course. You, like, got a problem with that, or some junk? Buster: Well, assuming he survives all that "Spiritual Lightning" you keep roasting him with, you might actually find him. Shirley: I know I punish him a lot... (and I'm beginning to think he likes it), but he's got to respect me as a person before I can help him. So... what's your problem, blue-boy? Buster: You haven't heard? Some detective came up with the conclusion that my long-lost family happens to be Babs' family. Shirley: Ohmygawd! You're kidding! Buster: Not only that, Calamity did some DNA testing and it says we *ARE* related. Now, as "Brother" and "Sister" we've found out that half the population of Acme Acres has been secretly sizing us up hoping a day like this would arrive. Shirley: Ohmygawd again! This is like Mondo distressing! Buster: Tell me about it. I've been run ragged by every available female in this cartoon. Shirley: Not that, I've like, totally seen Babs' wedding day in my crystal ball and you were there. This goes completely counter clockwise to my visions... unless... Buster: Unless what? Shirley: Well, psychic visions aren't an exact science... I only saw you AT her wedding, not you AND her. You could have been a best man, an usher or even... giving her away. Buster: This isn't fair. Shirley: I know... I've like picked out my wedding gifts and everything based on... Buster: It's just not FAIR! Babs and I have always been there for each other. As far back as I can remember we've been a team. I know I haven't always shown it but, I love her. Now they're telling us that everything we had was a lie! This can't be happening. Buster sits with his back against the tree, knees against his chest and arms folded, a scowl burning on his face. Shirley floats down beside him and places a comforting hand on his shoulder. Shirley: Bummer, huh? Buster: Totally. Shirley: So, like all those years of hoping you had some kind of family out there, was that totally bogus too? Buster: No, I... Shirley: And you still care for Babs in spite of everything that's happened? Buster: Yes, but... Shirley: Then pay attention Buster because I'm only going to say this once... so you and Babs are related, Big deal. You care for her, you'd trust her with your life and she'd totally trust you with hers... that's a very special bond and I can see why you don't want to give that up... but who said you have to? Buster: But... Shirly: (Places a finger over Buster's lips.) Shhh.... I know you can't feel for her the same way you have before, but it doesn't stop you from CARING for her. You have a family now, and more importantly... you have a sister that knows you better than you know yourself. This is something many people out there would give a lot to have. My advice is Buster, forget about losing a girlfriend... like totally concentrate on getting a Sister. Are you with me? Buster stares into Shirley's eyes for the longest time and hugs her with a smile. Buster: Thanks Shirl, I needed that. Shirley: (Pats him on the head) Anytime Buster. Switch to Babs. Babs now finds herself cornered against a brick wall. A large crowd of boys of all species surround her and shout proposals. Babs: (Elephant man voice) I... am not an animal.... (looks at herself.) Oops! I guess I am. Heh heh. Random voice: Yeah, a FOX! The crowd laughs when Furrball steps forward and takes Babs' hand and kisses it. Furrball: (Voiced by James Earl Jones) Babs. Join me, we shall complete the circle of life and rule this campus together as Boyfriend and Girlfriend. Calamity: (rushes up behind Furrball, Still voiced by Tony Jay) Hands off her cur! I was the first to propose to her! Babs: Did you two just hit puberty or something? You voices are *SO* deep. Calamity and Furrball's arguing becomes heated, Calamity takes a swing at Furrball, Furrball swings at Calamity and the two generate a vicious fight- cloud. The crowd begins cheering them on while a horrified Babs tries to stop them. Babs: Calamity! Furrball! Stop! You're fighting over me like cats and do... uh... please stop fighting! As the fight reaches a fevered pitch a shrill whistle pierces the air causing all action to freeze and all heads to turn to Buster, dressed in policeman's garb with the whistle in one hand and a nightstick in the other. He walks forward in an authoritarian manner causing the crowd to back away from him. Buster: All right! Break it up! Break it up! Let's have a little order here. Babs: Buster? Buster: Now listen up. I want to see two lines here. Everyone with material tokens of affection to the left, everyone with things like poetry, serenades and proclamations of undying affection I want on the right. I also expect to see a resume on each and every one of your romantic histories, no matter how trivial the events are. This is for all the marbles folks so don't press your luck. Vinnie: Hey, you don't have a claim on those lips anymore Buster. What makes you think you have the right to boss us around like this? Buster: (Slapping the nightstick into the palm of his hand) Oh... perhaps the right that a big brother has to make sure that his little sister gets only the best boyfriend around. You got a problem with that? Vinnie: (Eyeing the Nightstick) None whatsoever. Buster: Then find a place in line. As Vinnie quietly slips into line 'A', the large swarm of females that have been following Buster around all day come over the ridge screaming and cheering. Buster holds up a big red stop sign and blows his whistle. Amazingly enough they come to a sudden stop two inches from him. Buster: I'm sorry ladies. Until further notice this furry physique is off limits. Mary:(Now in her reporter clothes, holds out a microphone to Buster) Why is that Buster? Buster: (To the 'camera') I'm still coming to grips with everything that's happened today. Give me a few days to let all this sink in and then ask me... quietly. I just might say yes. Babs walks over to Buster (now back in his trademark red shirt and no pants) and gives him an inquiring look. Babs: Buster? What's going on? Buster: Babs, please. I know we've had a wonderful time together and I don't want anything to change either but we have to accept that... it has. Everything has changed and our relationship can never be what it was again... but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Do you know why? It's not a bad thing because it will never *EVER* change the simple fact that... I care for you. I always have cared for you and I always will. I want you to have the best of everything Babsy, and if my being the best boyfriend in the world to you just isn't possible then I'll just have to be the best darn big brother in the world instead. Babs: (Eyes tearing up she hugs him) Oh Buster... You really DO care about me. Buster: (Hugs her back, his own eyes tearing up) Hey, I didn't lose a girlfriend... I gained a sister. Everyone else: Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Plucky: (Stagers forward in mock agony) Insulin! I neeeeeed Insulin! Tooooooo Sweeeeeeet! Buster: What do you want Plucky? Are you here to date Babs too? Plucky: (Back to normal) Sorry to disappoint you but I don't have an affinity for rabbits. Those buck teeth.... ears... all that fur... Yuch. Babs: Then what are you doing here? Plucky: Watching you two make complete fools out of yourselves. Buster: Forgive my ill informed ignorance but what are you talking about? Plucky: After all of this time I've had to play second fiddle to you two, after all of the anvils you've dropped on me, all the indignities you've heaped my person hasn't it *EVER* occurred to you that I might ever try to get even? Buster and Babs: (In Unison) No. Babs: Wait a minute... are you trying to tell us that everything that has happened today... was a set-up? Plucky: So, there's a brain between those ears after all. Of course this was a set up! Buster and Babs break down and laugh hysterically while Plucky looks on in annoyance Buster: It's not possible... what about the Detective... Plucky: ...Bribed. Babs: The tons of research material that backed him up... Plucky: ...Painstakingly researched, forged and planted. Buster: (looking worried) T-the DNA evidence? Plucky: ...Faked. Babs: (Near panic) ...My Parents!? Mom: (Steps into screen with Dad) We were in on it too, Hon. Babs: *NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!* How could you? Mom: I don't know about your father but "I just can't help myself." Dad: (Laughs) I just can't spoil a good joke for anyone. Buster: Wait a minute! If you made us look like fools, Plucky. Then, you made everyone else here look like fools for thinking we were single and chasing us around! Elmyra: Silly bunny-wunny head. We were all in on it! Buster: What? Vinnie: Every last one of us. Mary: Newsflash, Buster and Babs have been royally DUPED! Film at 11. Buster: EVERYONE? Did that include... Off in behind everyone else, Lola and Bugs wave and smile at Buster. Plucky: Yes, even Lola. Lola: (blows him a kiss) Hope you're not too disappointed, Buster. Babs: Then... we're not really related? Mom: That's right dear. Buster: And... everyone in Acme Acres was in on it? Plucky: Well... not -EVERYONE-. Shirley: (Stomps up to Plucky) You have a lot of nerve, Plucky. I like, poured my heart out to Buster to help him in his moment of need and now I find out it's all totally bogus! I changed my gift registrations because of this! Plucky: And you played your part well Shirley. Thank you. Shirley: Huh? Plucky: Let me explain it to you... You're naturally the kind of person who couldn't stand by while Buster or Babs were humiliated like this. I knew that if I told you what was going on you'd spill the beans so I had to work the joke around you. I knew you'd offer moral support to either long-eared wonder... and that was the big turning point in my plot. Thank you for being so predictable my love. Shirley: But how could you be so certain I couldn't be brought in on any of this? That I couldn't keep a secret? Plucky: Please Shirl, both you and I know... this level of deviousness just isn't in your character. I needed you to be caring, honest and sensitive. THAT much I know you can be even if I don't seem to appreciate it. Plucky kisses Shirley's hand and she glances at the camera with a blush. Shirley: Just when you think you know someone... Babs: Speaking of levels of deviousness, I want to know how you could have pulled this off? Buster: Yeah, all of your other "Brilliant schemes" have failed in the past... Why not this one? Plucky: Pfft! THOSE flash-in-the-pan ideas? They were spur of the moment... this gem, this crowning glory of the brilliance that is me... this has been in the works for three long years. Imagine it. Three years of plotting, planning gathering allies and sympathizers. Babs: But, how did you convince so many toons to help you? Plucky: Didn't you realize that feet like yours have a tendency to step on their share of toes? Babs and Buster look over all of the grinning faces and look hurt. Babs: We- we couldn't have... Everyone nods and the two rabbits look a little taken aback. Plucky: Hey, it's all right guys. This joke helped everyone feel better. Nothing smoothes over bad feelings than watching the perps squirm. Buster: Then... if we don't hold a grudge, nobody else will? Plucky: Well, there's just one more thing we need to do. Buster: Uh, what's that? Plucky: O.K. everybody. We had our joke now let's point and laugh. Everyone points and laughs at Buster and Babs for a few seconds before trailing off into snickers. Buster: Feel better now Plucky? Plucky: (Still chuckling and wipes a tear) Oh yes... Hee hee... This is my happiest moment yet. Com'on. I'll treat you two and Shirley to a shake at the Wienie Burger and I'll tell you how I arranged everything. Buster and Babs look at Plucky hesitantly when Shirley, with her back to theirs whispers to them. Shirley: (Mutters) If you want I'll like, totally make his life miserable for this. Babs: (Whispers) Don't bother Shirley, he had his moment. I suppose he did deserve to pull a fast on on us after all of these years. Plucky, Babs, Buster and Shirley walk off to the Wienie Burger as they hit the top of the hill Babs' faint voice can be heard... Babs: (Far off faint voice.) So what part did Lola play in this charade? Buster: (also far off and faint) Uh... Up the X-Files-ish theme as Fox and Skunky watch the crowd begin to disperse from the nearby forest. Skunky's trademark voice-over completes the scene. Skunky Voice-over: Case log follow-up: The source of the long string of unwarranted cameos has been identified as one Plucky Q. Duck. Mr. Duck's motives for instigating such an influx of characters has been revealed as nothing more than an elaborate hoax motivated by a need for revenge against one Buster Bunny and one Babs Bunny, neither of whom are related to the other. [See senate records: Buster and Babs Go to Washington] As no actual laws have been broken in this act of fan- fiction nor any questionable scenes been produced by it's writer it is safe to say that there is nothing more to report at this time and the case has been closed. Skunky: Well Moldy, this has been yet another waste of the FBI's time and resources. What do you have to say for yourself? Fox: Wanna go make out? Moldy: (looks at Fox and shrugs) Sure, why not? Fox and Skunky walk off into the forest hand in hand. Able DuSable pulls up in a 40's style car and jumps out clad only in white gloves a red sash, carrying a bundle of roses. Abel: Sorry I'm late, I had work to finish up and Fifi's accent blew up my spell- checker again, then there was the car trouble... Mary: Newsflash, Abel. Story's over. You can't cameo in it anymore. Abel: Aw man! And I never even had a chance to make a decent pass at Babs in this thing. Oh well, she was always number two in the femme lineup to me. Fifi: Pardon Moi? If she was, 'ow you say, second place, who was first? Able hands Fifi the flowers and smiles at her with a glint in his teeth. Abel: Why you, Cheri. Fifi: Ohhhhhh...!!! Abel: (offers his arm) I find myself with a free evening, Miss LaFume. Care to join me for a night out on the town? Fifi: (Takes the offered arm) Monsieur... Moi would be delighted. The two Mustelids walk off arm in arm and the camera irises the scene until it focuses on Abel's head and shoulders as he turns to the audience and shrugs with a grin. Abel: Hey, I wrote this thing. I can do pretty much what I want. Iris out The End. Up TTA end theme. Cast: Buster Bunny John Kassir Babs Bunny Tress MacNeille Plucky Duck Joe Alasky Shirly McLoon Gail Mathius Abel DuSable Me Fifi LaFume Kath Soucie Bimbette Kath Soucie Fox Moldy David Duchovney Dana Skunky Gillian Anderson Calamity Coyote Tony Jay Furrball Cat James Earl Jones Vinnie the Deer Wesley Snipes Lola Bunny Kath Soucie Brain Maurice LaMarche Apu Dan Castellanta Written by: Abel DuSable Original concept: Abel DuSable Fleshing out: Abel DuSable Guy who did nothing but sit around and laugh at all the jokes: Les Vensel Additional Dialogue: Abel DuSable Stinger: The TTA rings surround Fox and Moldy who are kissing passionately. They stop in mid-motion and look at the camera with mortified expressions. Moldy: Uh... The truth is out there? Skunky: Why don't you go look for it and leave us alone? END All characters within are copyright of Warner Brothers with the exception of those that are not.