"It’s a Gasser" A Pinky and the Brain fanfic by EOCostello (eocostello@aol.com) We open, not with the usual theme song, but with blackness. Two sets of eyes blink open, a narrow, pink pair at the left and a wide-eyed, blue-coloured pair at the right. The pair at the left seems to be sad about something. Brain: Pinky, you know, being stuck in this desk for hours on end this morning has given me time to ponder some important things... Pinky: Such as why the inside of Elmyra’s desk smells of stale Milk Duds? Brain: No, I...oh dear, is that what I’m sitting on? No, Pinky, I had something else in mind. I’ve hit rock bottom, Pinky. Once, I had grand schemes of world conquest, I had limitless opportunities... Pinky: (singing) You had seasons in the sun.... A fwapping sound is heard, and the blue eyes at right briefly blink out. Brain: Pinky, please! I’m serious! Now, my horizons are governed by a sadistic, selfish little sawed-off Lucretia Borgia. I’m reduced to making lame attempts to take over a badly run public school. It’s times like this that I wished I’d listened to what my mother said. Pinky: Why, what did she say? Brain: Well, it was..."squeak, squeak" Pinky: That is *so* profound, Brain! Brain: Indeed. My life is as dark and stale as... Pinky: The Milk Dud you’re sitting on? Brain: [long, drawn out, but infinitely sad] Yeeeeessssss... Suddenly, a crack of light shoots across the screen. Apparently, the lid is being lifted on Elmyra’s desk. The two mice blink at the bright light, as a hand comes into shot to pick them up. Cut to Elmyra, as she brings the mice close to her face, as she giggles/whispers to them. Elmyra: Ooooh, I didn’t want my favourite mousie-wousies to miss this! They brought in a real, live scientist to give us a demonstration of fun stuff, and I know how much you like this, Cranky Big-Head Mousie! Brain: [with some sarcasm] How thoughtful of you, Elmyra... Elmyra puts the mice in her shirt pocket, and, after shuffling about a bit, the mice peek up through the pocket. Cut to the front of the classroom, where we see a fairly burly, dark-haired man in a labcoat. On the blackboard behind him is written "Dr. Mellon." In front of him is a wide selection of beakers, bunsen burners, retorts, and other assorted neat stuff, which he is fiddling with. Cut to a closeup of Brain, whose eyes grow wide. Cut to a closeup of Dr. Mellon fiddling with the glassware, as we hear it tinkle. Cut to a closeup of Brain, as his eyes tear over, and his lower lip trembles... Brain: [softly, with a catch in his voice] Pyrex... Cut to Dr. Mellon, who has the voice of Stephen (Fanboy) Furst. He is obviously explaining something with great interest, glee and relish... Dr. Mellon: Another really neat experiment involves an oxidation-reduction reaction. If I take this hunk of sodium here [Dr. Mellon reaches with a foreceps into a brown jar] and put it into this bucket of water here [Dr. Mellon drops the hunk into the bucket], the reaction of the sodium ions with water will produce... There is a loud bang, sound of shattering glass, and a lot of smoke, which quickly clears, showing a charred, but still eager Dr. Mellon. Dr. Mellon: A really neato-torpedo thermal reaction! Cut to the class, where the kids are obviously entranced by the demonstration, particularly Rudy. Rudy: Hey! Can you do that again? I wanna take notes this time! Cut to Elmyra, who is looking at Rudy lovingly. Elmyra: Ooooh, that’s the way to my Rudy-woody-cutepadoody’s heart.... Cut to Dr. Mellon, still charred, who is reaching into the jar again. The teacher is approaching him in some trepidation. Dr. Mellon: Yeah! No problem! Teacher: Uh, Dr. Mellon, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today, and I know you’re busy at the University... The sounds of groans and other indicia of disappointment can be heard, and Dr. Mellon pouts a bit. Teacher: ...plus, we have to call our insurance agents. Kids, how about a nice round of applause for Dr. Mellon? Cut to a shot of the class, who clap vigourously for the professor, except for Elmyra, who is looking hearts and flowers at Rudy. The class bell rings, and all of the students dash out of the classroom...except for Elmyra, who gets up and walks up to the front. Cut to a shot of Dr. Mellon, who is dusting himself off, and reducing the char quotient. Elmyra: Mr. Mad Doctor-head, can I ask you a question? Dr. Mellon: Of course, little girl! What? Dr. Mellon begins to sweep the broken glassware into a wastebasket. Elmyra: Do you wanna trade for the jar of the nice stuff that makes the loud bang? Dr. Mellon stops his sweeping and looks at Elmyra. Dr. Mellon: Well, gee, I dunno, it’s dangerous for little children to play with chemicals... Elmyra reaches into her pocket. Elmyra: I’ll give ya a pair of really neat mice. Dr. Mellon: Well, I don’t think I can really... Elmyra motions Dr. Mellon closer. Elmyra (whispering): They’re *talking* mice. Cut to a closeup of Dr. Mellon, who looks quite confused. Dr. Mellon: Talking? Cut to Pinky and the Brain, who are in Elmyra’s fist. Pinky (whispering to Brain): Brain, we’re about to be traded like a pair of baseball cards! Aren’t you going to... Brain reaches up, and silences Pinky with his snout-grab. Brain: Excuse me, am I speaking with Dr. Michael K. Mellon, Chinnici Professor of Chemical Engineering at the University of Michigan, Nobel Prize winner, chairman of numerous Presidential commissions, and author of "50 Neato-Torpedo Chemistry Experiments for Kids?" Cut to Dr. Mellon, who blinks in utter astonishment, and can only nod. Cut back to Brain. Brain: Confidentially, my associate and I are two genetically altered lab mice... Elmyra’s hand moves into shot, and roughly pets the two. Elmyra (off screen): A cranky, big-headed mousie, and a silly big-nose mousie! Brain: Yes, quite. I would say that this deal is highly advantageous for you, and I... Cut to Dr. Mellon, who looks back and forth at a jar, and makes up his mind. Cut to a wide shot, and he hands Elmyra the brown jar. She dashes off, tossing Pinky and the Brain over his shoulder. They are barely caught by Dr. Mellon. Elmyra: Eh, heh-heh-heh! Wait’ll I show my Rudy-Wudy what I got for him! Elmyra dashes out the door. Dr. Mellon blinks, and looks out to where Elmyra has gone. Dr. Mellon: Gee, I wonder if I did the right thing... Cut to Brain, who is in Dr. Mellon’s hand, along with Pinky. Brain: You have no idea... Cut to a shot of a busy airport, as Dr. Mellon is lugging his bags. He stops, opens up his overcoat, and whispers to an inside pocket. Cut to a closeup showing Dr. Mellon’s face, and the two mice, nestled in the pocket. Dr. Mellon: I’m sorry to have to make you fellows travel so soon, and sort of funny like this, but I really have to get back to the lab tonight. Brain: Please, no apologies are necessary. Getting back to your lab tonight is most convenient for us, as it will help us plan for tomorrow night. Pinky: Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night? Brain: The same thing, Pinky, that we once did every night... Cut to Brain, who looks his old, energetic, vibrant self. Brain: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! YEEEEEEESSSSSS! ************* Cut to a shot of a jet airplane taking off, as the PatB theme music starts... Fate has changed again/ For Pinky and the Brain/ Cut to a shot of an ivy-covered building, with a large sign saying "University of Michigan Chemical Engineering." A new labratory! A home without pain! Cut to a shot of a hand handing Pinky a large hunk of cheese, while Brain dashes about, joyously scribbling formulae on paper. Tools and, if you please/ Large quantities of cheese! It’s nifty/ For Pinky/ and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! Cut to Pinky and the Brain, as Brain is lecturing Pinky while both are sitting on top of an open world atlas. Once again we see/ Brain is constant-ly/ Searching his mind/ Trying to find/ World rule successfully. Cut to a shot of Pinky and the Brain scampering in front of Dr. Mellon, dozing in his chair. They’re Pinky and the Brain/ Yes, Pinky and the Brain/ In academia/ They plan and scheme-ia! Cut to Pinky and the Brain, as they struggle with a complicated machine that sputters, and ultimately shocks them. In an ivy-shaded room/ Their plans might meet with doom/ Still, they’re dinky/ Cut to a shot of the two mice in front of a blackboard, as the camera backs off, to eventually show the outside of the Chemical Engineering Building. They’re Pinky and the Brain/ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain! Brain: YEEEESSSSS! A brief snatch of "Gaudeamus Igitur" is heard as the title card for the series is projected. Columnist for Animato! and Author of "The Warner Bros. Cartoon Companion," a guide to obscure and interesting items of Classic Warner Bros. animation, which can be found at http://members.aol.com/EOCostello/index.html (Suggestions and corrections welcome.)