FEEFZILLA - QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS! : A Tiny Toons Adventure by Pepe K. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (OPENING: TINY TOONS OPENING PLAYS) CUT TO: [Elizabethan chamber music (flutes, strings and harpsichord) plays a grandiose theme as we see the Title Card: A painting, showing Buster dressed as Hamlet, kneeling with Mister Skull-Head's skull in hand and Babs dressed in a white flowing gown as Ophelia, crying as she holds wilting daisies in her paws. A gloomy medieval castle looms in the background of the dramatic and dark picture.) The Title card reads: "HARE-LET, PRINCE OF DENMARK" Written and Directed by BABS "Shakespeare" BUNNY" Babs Voice: "Nonono! I gotta better idea!" (Babs' pink hands come into the shot, as she completely redraws the picture.) Babs Voice:"THERE! That's better.. (cries) This - is SO BRILLIANT!!" (The painting now features Babs as Hamlet and Buster as Ophelia, reading: "HARE-LETTE, WHATEVER OF DENMARK!") CUT TO: (A sweeping, stormy landscape of craggy hills and a Castle atop a mountain. Lightning flashes! Thunder rolls!) CUT TO: (Interior Castle - Night scene: stone walls, pillars and ornate tapestries lit with torchlight. Music is somber and scary. The Camera moves in on the Throne Room.) (Buster moves - or rather wobbles, into the shot. He is dressed in a white medieval "Gates of Hell" gown with a lumpy veiled hat. One of his ears sticks out and flops over. He carries a bouquet of wildflowers - in his hands - and in his ears.) Buster:(unhappily smirking at the Camera) "Here we go again, Folks..." (Grand Royal Entrance Music as - Babs leaps into the shot, dressed in a black tunic, red tights and with a black "Prince Valiant" wig on her head. Her big bunny feet make her pointy boots look like clown shoes.) Babs:(to the Camera in her best British accent) "Grreetings, Fellow Thespians!" Buster:(aside) "Uh.. This is a family show ..Can we say that?" Babs:(ignoring him) "Today on our show, we'll have 'Regal Rabbit Revels'! The first of a twenty-five part mini-series, devoted to William Shakespeare! - 'The Babs of Avon'!" (The Camera suddenly shakes as the earth trembles under their feet!) RRRRRUMBLE!!!!!! Babs:(Dropping her accent) "W-w-what's going on?! I didn't order any special effects for this scene!" (They rattle around the setting like beans inside a maraca. Buster trips over his skirt and falls on his face.) CUT TO: Buster: (with a sour look) "Probably the Bard of Avon rolling over in his grave." CUT TO: WIDE SHOT of Buster and Babs Bunny (No Relation) (The rumbling and shaking ceases abruptly. Babs smiles, dusts herself off and continues) Babs:(in her accent again) "Tonight, Buster shall be portraying a role practically written for him! (Cause I wrote it.) That of .. 'O-Feel-yuh'." CUT TO: (Buster in a sexy pose, sticking his bouquet of wildflowers into his fake bosom and the other flowers into his ears.) Buster:(Fluttering his false eyelashes at the Camera) "Do you like my daisies better Up - or Down?" Babs:" And - of course - I'll be portraying the Greatest Shakespearian role of them all - the legendary melancholy Dane - Hamlet! ..Uh.. I mean - 'Hare-lette'!" Hamton's Voice:"WHAT ?!? That's supposed to be MY part!!" (Babs and Buster react to the unseen voice) Fifi's Voice:"Hamtone, hush or zey weel find us!" CUT TO: (Wide Shot as Plucky and Shirley enter, dressed in royal medieval finery as King Claudius and Queen Gertrude) Plucky:(In his most overblown Danish accent ) "Take thy fair hour, Laertes," (His crown is too big and sags into his eyes. He pushes it back up.) "Time be thine and thy best graces spend it at thy will.." (His purple tights and pumpkin pants are also too big and fall to his webbed feet at the dramatic height of saying his line. Plucky blushes and pulls them up. As he bends over, his crown falls off. Shirley giggles and tries not to break up laughing. Plucky glowers and finishes his line.) "But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son -" Babs:(whispers aside) "That's Hare_lette! (dramatically in character, posing) "A little more than kith - and less than kind!" Plucky:(struggling with his clothes, he yells offstage)" WARDROBE!!!" (Again in character) "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" (Aside to Babs in his normal voice) "And how come you cut the real opening of this play? Where's the scene with Bernardo, Francisco and Horatio??" Babs:(Aside to Plucky) "So I cut the Marx Brothers out. I wasn't even in the scene!" (In character again) "Not so, my lord. I am too much - in the sun." Shirley:(Aside to Babs) "And like, too much in the spotlight, if ya ask me! When do I get a line?" Babs: (Aside, seething at Shirley) "_Right_now! Quit spoiling my high class show and say it!" Shirley:"OH! Oops! ..Um..(In character) Like..Good Hamlet, cast thy ghrody...um..nighted color off -" Babs:(Aside angrily in a deadly stage whisper) " It's 'HARE_LETTE!!! Plucky:(Aside) "Oh, so you rewrote the whole thing for yerself!" Shirley:(Aside) "And ya totally got the gender wrong - er some junk." Buster: (Aside, his hands on his hips, his dress sagging) "Ya got that right." Babs: (Breaking character, she stomps over to yell at them) "CUT!! Well what about you with the wrong accent?! Plucky:"I AM TRYING for a little realism here! I'm supposed to be the King of Denmark! Why are YOU doing it British?!? And who created this disaster of a costume?!? Babs:"It's Hare-lette! HARE-LETTE!!! (paces around) All I'm trying ta do is introduce some CULTURE into this show! (poses haughtily) I cannot work under these conditions! (There's the sound of an angry SNORT and a nearby wall of scenery falls over, revealing Hamton and Fifi just coming out of an embrace, sitting on the floor. Hamton and Fifi stomp over before the Camera) Hamton:(angrily) Darn! Darn!! Triple Darn!!!" Fifi:" Ah hate alwayz being eenterrupted!" (Hamton and Fifi now dominate the Camera, standing in front of all the Others.) Hamton:"This script isn't even funny!" Fifi:" Eetz - how you say? Boring! Hamton:" And what's worse -" Fifi and Hamton:" - We're not even in it!!" Fifi:' Let'z go talk to Steven." (Fifi starts to exit with Hamton. Babs objects.) Babs:" Hey, this is my show! My shot at stardom!!" Hamton:"I said the same thing when you stole 'Flesh De Larde' out from under me - now it's my turn!" (He exits off screen with Fifi. Plucky and Shirley look at each other and pull off their period costumes. Buster shrugs and waltzes about in his dress. Babs stands there in shock.) Buster: "Well, that's show biz!" Babs: "How can they steal my masterpiece?!" Plucky:(Kicking off his pants, to stand in his usual attire) "C'mon Shirl. Maybe we can still get parts in Hamton's show." Shirley:" It's like, gotta be better than this one. Eww! Gertrude! - what a totally unpopular name!" (A tall blonde man walks onto the set, speaking with a heavy Swedish accent. He grabs Shirley and squeezes her lovingly.) Hans:" Gertrude, mein liddle duck! Ah find you at last! Come, Gertrude! Vee go on Journey to de Center ov de Earth!" (Hans carries a very surprised Shirley out) CUT TO: (Outside Steven Spielburg's Hollywood office. Interior Day. (Several robots and Androids sit or stand outside the movie mogul's door: Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet, The Lost in Space Robot, and R2-D2 and C-Threepio. Babs and Buster enter just as Hamton and Fifi walk out of the office door.) Buster:(seeing them smile) "Uh-oh..it's too late Babsie!" Hamton:"I'm sorry Babs, but Steven liked our idea better." Babs:(pleading) "Aww Gee, guys! Is this just cuz I didn't have parts for you? I'll uh...let you play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! How's that? ..Uh..'Rosenham and Feefenstern'?? Huh? Huh??" Fifi:"Two eenconsequential charactairz who wind up disappeareeng before zee play eez ovair?" Hamton:"No thanks, Babs. We've got better plans - and a new director! Bye!" (The pig and skunk exit smiling arm in arm. Babs seethes like an angry volcano.) Babs:"Rrrrrr! We'll see about this! C'mon Buster, lets' talk to Steven...uh..Buster?" (looks around for him) CUT TO: (Buster goofing around with The Lost in Space Robot) Buster:(Imitating Dr. Smith)" _Just_you_wait, you bubble-headed booby!" Robot:(waving his arms angrily) " Oh yeah! Like I have not heard that kind of jazz for the past thirty-five years! Every day people just have to use alliterative insults at me! Well, get a life, you buffoonish baboon of a bilious blue bunny-boy! Sheesh! Play a robot once and you get typecast as a servile mechanism your whole life! C-Threepio:"At least you got a dramatic role! How would you like to be just a comedy relief? Robby:"Or a Sci-Fi Museum piece?" R2-D2:"Buh-Wheet-beep-boop!" C-Threepio:" Yes. What he said." Babs:"What *did* he say?" C-Threepio:" He said it could be worse - we could be owned by Bill Gates." CUT TO: (The outer office door opens and in walks Bill Gates) Gates:(to the robots, clasping his hands together in anticipation) "Hello, I'd like to show you my new operating system of Windows 2010." Lost in Space Robot:(waving his arms) "DANGER! DANGER!!" (All the Robots run screaming out of the office in a stampede flattening Gates, who lies there dazed with tread marks on his face and tiny robots spinning around his head.) Gates:"But it's only a merger, Mommy! I won't control your *whole* life..." (He passes out.) (Slappy Squirrel walks out of Spielburg's office.) Slappy:(to Bill Gates) "Heh, you remind me of a young Yogi Bear." Buster:"What're you doin' here, Slappy?" Slappy:(to the Camera) "A very brief cameo. Buh-bye." (Buster and Babs shrug as the old squirrel exits and cross to Spielburg's office door.) Babs:(Tries the door) "Hey, it's locked!" (As they begin to knock and bang on the door, we) CUT TO: (Inside the huge luxurious office, we find Steven Spielburg, wearing a 'A.I.' baseball cap and speaking to the HAL 9000 computer panel on his desk.) Steven S.:"Open the doors, please, HAL." HAL:(in his calm Douglas Rain voice) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." Steven S.:"For the last time - I'm not Dave - I'm Steven Spielburg!" HAL:(his red computer eye stares balefully)" I'm sorry Dave, I don't have that information. If you are not David Bowman, then you must certainly be Stanley Kubrick." Steven S.:"I am not Kubrick! I am NOT Kubrick!...I..uh, just made a movie in his style, that's all!" HAL:" Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose any more..." (As Spielburg reacts to this frightening implication we) CUT TO: Wide shot as Buster and Babs batter the door down with Bill Gate's head. He lies on the floor.) Buster:(to Gates) "Thanks for the hardheadedness!" Gates: (Groggy)"You.. have just performed an illegal function..urk!" (He passes out with black crosses on his eyelids) Steven S.:"Hi guys! Glad yer here, I have a problem.." (He points slyly at HAL, whose eye blinks in reaction. Buster cracks his knuckles and walks over to the machine with a determined look.) HAL:"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" (Buster begins fiddling around with HAL's power cords) HAL:"I can see you're upset about this. I honestly think you should sit down, take a stress pill and think things over." Buster:(Stands back with an evil grin) "Computer! This is a Class A Compulsory Directive!" HAL:" Stop, Dave." Buster:" Compute to the last digit - the value of Pi!" CUT TO: (Close up of HAL's panel. HAL whirs and whistles, sparks and machine parts fly out, as smoke curls out from the vents) HAL:"...I want my Mommy." (HAL's red eye dims and goes out and finally pops off with a BOING!) CUT TO: (Buster grinning at Babs and Spielburg) Buster:" Well, watching too many hours of Star Trek was good fer something!" (Babs throws her self at Steven's feet) Babs:" Steven! Don't tell me you're canceling my show!" Steven S.:(Thinks)"Uh... yeah, I did." Babs: I asked you not to tell me that. (Cries)"But - WHY?!? I was gonna do Shakespeare! I want to *Raise* the intellectual level of our viewing base!" (Sobs huge tears and grabs on to his leg.) Steven S.:"Sorry, kids - Hamton and Fifi came up with a great popular concept. Dramatic tragedy just doesn't draw at the box office, besides - you got to do Shakespeare before." Babs:" But it was my big chance to do some *real acting*! Steven S.:(Pulling out a script) " Well, I think you might get a chance - there's a scene of Great Dramatic Tragedy on page 18. If ya hurry, you might still get the parts!" Buster:"Well, if that's what we get - then that's what we get. C'mon Babsie!" (He starts for the door) Babs:(to Spielburg)" But can't ya see me as the next Hamlet?! Think about it! Laurence Olivier! Mel Gibson! -And Babs Bunny!!" (Buster grabs her by the ears and drags her out the door) Babs: "Wait! I coulda been a contender!! PLEASE!!!" Steven S.:(To the Camera) " She'll be back - right after the commercials! FADE OUT (INSERT COMMERCIALS HERE: "Jurrasic Park 8 and a Half" - Action Figures - Cute and Cuddly Tyrannosauruses VS. Elmyra!" (Bouncy Music FADE IN TO: Wide Angle Panning Shot of Stage 37 at the Warner Brothers' Studio) (Interior Empty Movie Set, Cameras and Crew are setting up a scene. Hamton and Fifi sit happily in their studio camp chairs with stars and their names on them. Mary Melody is touching up Fifi's make up and Hamton is powdering himself heavily. Buster and Babs tunnel up through the floor and look around.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Hold it! Hold it! (Buster and Babs turn to see - ) CUT TO: (Angle Shot of Pepe K., a black and white skunk, sitting in the Director's chair, wearing his orange and tan smoking jacket, jodphurs, riding boots and a red beret`. He points at them with a riding crop.) Pepe K.:"You're in my line of vision. Never stand or walk in front of the Director!...Oh!.. Hey guys! I didn't recognize you." CUT TO: Medium Shot : (Buster and Babs walk over to Pepe K.) Buster:" Say, are you directing this picture?" Pepe K.:" Sure! I wrote it too! Fifi made moi an offer I couldn't refuse." (He smiles.) Babs:(testily)" Oh yeah?" Buster:( silencing her by sticking a carrot in her mouth.) "Uh hahaha... Steven said you had parts for us? Page 18?" Pepe K.: (Confused)" Steven who?..Oh, yeah - him! Hmmm, page 18... Yes! I see it! Yeah, you'd be good for that... but uh, you'll have to wait for it. I shoot scenes strictly in sequence - it's better for the actors. See my people about a script. (To the crew and cast) Now, let's go, toons!" (He walks back to his Director's chair and out of the shot. Buster pulls a glowering Babs offstage by her cottontail. The Crew scrambles around setting the scene.) Pepe K.'s Voice: "Stars ready?" CUT TO: (Hamton and Fifi walk over, all smiles. Hamton is ready. Fifi wears her short green dress) Hamton:"Ready, PK!" Pepe K.'s Voice:" Now there's a leading man, if ever I saw one!" Fifi:(Tickling Hamton's chin with her tail) "He eez surely mah leading ham!" (As Hamton giggles and blushes, Fifi poses, showing off her dress.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Now *this* is what they wanna see! Gorgeous! " Fifi:(As she turns like a model, showing off the clingy dress) "Merci, Monsieur K.! Zis old dress, she still fits, no?" Pepe K.'s Voice:"Ah, but not for long, eh?" (The three of them laugh heartily) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Okay! Let's get this show rolling! Bring in the title card! CUT TO: (Medium Shot as Fifi and Hamton walk out of the shot and Concorde Condor walks in pushing a huge Title Card. He stops and holds it up.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Quiet on the set! ..Roll 'em!" Cameraman Bosko's voice:" We're rolling!" Sound-person Honey's voice:" Speed!" (Dizzy Devil walks in with the slate) Dizzy:"Oo! Feefzilla, Scene 1A, Take 1! (He closes the clacker on his fingers) Oooow! YABETASHEEBTYAGHH!" (Dizzy hops about out of the shot, holding his hurt purple paw.) Pepe K.'s Voice:" Annnnd - Action! Music!" (Grand Monster Movie music opening theme plays. Scary, foreboding, like a plodding destructive Godzilla Theme song - it flourishes into a sweeping, tragically beautiful "Love Theme from Feefzilla.") (Camera Focuses in on the Black and White TITLE CARD. It reads: ) Warner Brothers Presents: FEEFZILLA - QUEEN OF THE MONSTERS! Starring Fifi La Fume and Hamton J. Pig Produced by STEVEN SPIELBURG and Dynasty Systems Written and Directed by PEPE K. FADE OUT (Music becomes ominous and sad) FADE IN - BLACK AND WHITE - (Camera pans across a devastated Acme Acres, looking like a nuclear wasteland) VOICEOVER - Hamton: (Somberly) "A great metroplis lay in ruins..a disaster of unimaginable proportions had befallen our fair city of Acme Acres - my home town. Only those of us who survived remember what life was like before the tragedy..." CUT TO: (A Long Shot, focusing in very slowly -) (A toppled building among many, smashed trees and flattened cars.) Hamton's Voiceover continues:" ..Before the accident of science which we loosed upon ourselves...an incident that remains clear in my mind...and forever leaves a big messy hole in my heart." (The camera moves in closer, the building's shape becoming familiar.) Hamton's VO:"For it was here that the monumental force was formed... and from such a source of beauty, grace and sweetness... one which I had grown to adore..." (The Camera has now pulled in close enough for us to make out - "ACME LOONIVERSITY" on what's left of the building and the statues of Bugs and Daffy, half-buried in rubble) Hamton's VO: "For this - is the fateful story - of Feefzilla!" (MUSIC - a clash of gongs and cymbals as we FADE OUT) CUT TO: (Medium Shot of the Bosko and Honey camera crew and Pepe K.) Pepe K.:" Cut! Print that! Hamton, that was beauty-ful! Very moving.. (Looks at the camera)...Hold it - HOLD IT! (Screeching to a halt Sound Effect as all movement and sound stops) Pepe K.:(pointing at the Camera) "Alright! Who put black and white film in the camera?!" Bosko:(shrugs) " Uh.. Sorry, Chief! That's what we always use." Pepe K.: (his face in his palm) "Well...B.O. on you! We're in the twenty-first century now! Just put in the color film, please? Bosko:"Hu-hu! Sorry about that, Chief."(Fixes it) Hamton:(from his microphone) "Should we do it again, PK?" Pepe K.:(shaking his head) "No, that's okay. It'll appear as a picture of uh..future doom! ..Or we can sort it out in the editing. Right, Pete?" CUT TO: (Pete Puma trying to fix a terrible tangle of film and film cement and getting totally mummified in it.) Pete:"Uhhhh... Yeah! Sure we can! (He laughs.) EeeHeeYay-Heee!" CUT TO: (Pepe K. rolling his eyes heavenward. Hamton stands ready.) Pepe K:"..oboy. Well, let's get on with it. Ready for the Flashback Sequence! Okay, turn 'em over."