"Don Juan De Coyote" An Original Story By Caesar Salad All original Tiny Toon Adventures characters are copyright of Warner Brothers and are used without permission. Before I begin I just want to make a few statements. This is my first fanfiction. Also, I have used a main character that doesn't talk: Calamity. Now writing a story without the main character talking is pretty hard, so I decided to make him think to himself in lieu of talking aloud. If this goes against anyone's thoughts on Calamity, too bad. Write your own story. The evening sun shone on the open stretch of empty, car-less highway, making it a peaceful, quiet, serene scene. Overhead, fluffy clouds sailed lazily along, pushed by unseen breezes. Somewhere nearby, a bluebird chirped and a grasshopper twittered. "BEEP, BEEP!" Little Beeper raced by at speeds reaching mach five, dust flying behind him. The grasshopper shrieked as it flipped through the air, and the bluebird hung onto the branch to avoid being dragged along in the wake. Little Beeper continued for a few seconds at his leisurely pace, then put on an extra burst of speed. Fire trailed behind. Farther up road, Calamity Coyote snickered to himself as he set up a roadrunner trap that was sure to work (unlike the last 239). He was such a genius! Snickering again, he planted a mirror on the edge of the road. Everyone knows how vain roadrunners are, and that little distraction would give him plenty of time to capture Little Beeper. He drooled at the thought of the succulent bird. After licking his chops, he dove for cover behind a rock on the side of the road and examined the other part of his plan: a small jar. "ACME Jar O' Angry Mosquitos" "BEEP, BEEP!" Calamity crouched at the ready; here came dinner, right on time! Suddenly, Little Beeper raced into view, then stopped on a dime in front of the mirror. Smiling handsomely, he gazed at his own reflection and used one wing to fix his head feathers. Calamity could hardly contain himself. Giving the jar an extra hard shake for good measure, he released the furious insects. They swarmed out angrily, hovered for a second, then darted like an arrow straight for Calamity. "YOOOOOWCH!" He yelped, leaping ten feet in the air. When he hit the ground, Calamity immediately began running, the ACME mosquitos in close pursuit. Little Beeper continued to admire his perfect physique. * * * Calamity threw open the door to his lab, panting. He was certain he had just escaped the largest blood donation of his life. As he calmed down, his first thought was of the escape of Little Beeper. He was having just as much luck acquiring his prize as a certain lab mouse. His second thought was of his bugbitten hide. Scratching furiously, he made his way to his quaintly labeled "chemical shelf". Shelf is such a small word. This structure loomed high into the air, its top shrouded in clouds. Mountain goats feared it. A solitary ladder stretched up along the front, but what Calamity needed happened to be on the third shelf. He grabbed a small bottle that was half-full of pink liquid. It was labeled "CALAMINE". "Ahhhhhh," he thought, "sweet relief." BEEP, BEEP! For the second time that day, Calamity leapt straight up, scared out of his wits. That feeling didn't last long, though, as his head came into contact with the ceiling. Whump! He fell back to earth. Whump! Outside, a truck swerved around a taxi. "Hey, I'm driving here!" Calamity sat up, dazed, then was buried under an avalanche of bottles. Though his head ached, he really wanted relief from the insatiable itching. The bottle! He dropped it! Frantically he dove under the mound of bottles and beakers and came up with a small bottle, half-full of a pink liquid. Dumping it all over his grey fur, Calamity rubbed it in quickly, feeling the itch fade. "Ahhhhhhh," he sighed. Then, noticing the time, he put the bottle on his night stand, and crawled into bed, exhausted. Tomorrow would be a long day of school, and he would have to explain to Wile E. Coyote why he didn't catch Little Beeper yet again. "But at least," he thought, "the calamine got rid of the itch." Too bad it wasn't calamine lotion. * * * BEEP! Calamity leapt out of bed, terrified. Then his surroundings came into focus. Science equipment, pile of bottles, clock reading 7:15. "Oh no!" his mind raced, "That must be the bus!" Skipping shower and breakfast, he collected his books, raced outside, and jumped on the bus. He took his usual middle seat and buried his nose in a book entitled A Treatise on Quantoon Physics. Fifteen minutes later, the bus shook to a halt for the second stop. Calamity glanced up from his book long enough to see Fifi LeFume daintily skip aboard. He replaced his nose into the book, and held his breath, waiting for her to walk to the back of the bus where she'd later be joined by Babs and Shirley. The Amazing Three. He rolled his eyes. Not like they'd ever talked to him. The only attention he'd ever gotten was when Fifi mistook him for a skunk. Hah! Fifi didn't walk by. She suddenly stopped in her tracks, sniffing the air daintily. To Calamity's surprise, she slid up next to him. "Bon jour, Calamity. How are vous?" she asked coyly. Slightly uncomfortable, he flashed a small sign: Fine. "Fine? Is zat all? You feel nothing elze at zis time?" She stroked one of his ears, and he gulped audibly. "Zere are so many zings more interezting zan phyzics, no? Oui." She wrapped her lush tail around him. "This is highly unusual," thought Calamity as Fifi advanced sensuously on him. What was going on? Suddenly, Babs and Shirley dashed on board. Babs grabbed Fifi by the tail, and pulled her to the back of the bus. "Come on Feef, we've got stuff to talk about." "Yeah, like some mondo big gossip, or some junk." "Quelle...?" Fifi seemed dazed, as if coming out of a trance. "Odd," Calamity thought, burying his nose in his book again. "Very odd." But it wasn't all that bad either. * * * The rest of the morning passed by uneventfully. Calamity's A.P. classes with Egghead Jr. and Bookworm fairly whizzed by: Quantoon Physics, Catapults VI, Mentor 101, and a research period devoted to the relative humor quotient of the whipped cream Pi. Lunch rolled around. Calamity moved quickly through line, passing up the repulsive mystery meat and heading straight for the tolerable surprise loaf. He paid for it and...was the lunch lady staring at him? He scooted out to his usual table. Just him and his physics book. "Sigh..." breathed about twenty female voices in unison. Calamity swallowed his food and peeked timidly over the top of his book. The entire girls table was staring at him dreamily. Embarrassed (but slightly pleased) he ducked back behind the book. Whap! A small piece of folded paper hit him on the head. Deftly, he fumbled with it, finally caught it, opened it, and read the words that were scribbled in crayon: I want to squeeze you to pieces!- Elmyra Yipes! That was scary, but to be expected from Elmyra. Whap! Another note hit him. Hey cutie! What's your number?- Mary His jaw dropped. What did Mary Melody want with him, scrawny Calamity Coyote? Whap! Another note. And another. And another. Soon he was buried up to his neck. One note from every girl in the vicinity. He skimmed through the notes quickly, as most of them were short. Many were basic MASH notes, others were signed SWAK, and a couple flustered him so completely he could feel his ears burning with embarrassment. Realizing that some of the guys in the lunchroom were getting pretty mad over the attention he was getting, Calamity quickly stuffed the notes into his backpack and exited the cafeteria. * * * Calamity was the first one out when the bell rang, not even staying to study with Egghead Jr. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. Girls had been turning into drooling Calamity fans every time he passed them in the halls. They all seemed to be attracted to him, and he wondered why the sudden change had occurred. But it wasn't technically bad. If he could have his pick of any girl in the school, what was wrong with that? "Hiya, Calamity!" Yipes! Babs Bunny was bounding up to him. Calamity knew that Buster would throttle him if he thought that he was making a pass at Babs. She did a spin change, and stopped, wearing a detective trenchcoat and fedora hat. She pulled a magnifying glass from the pocket and stuck it in front of Calamity's face. "Do you know what's going on here?" she inquired, staring him down through the magnifying glass. "All the girls in school are going gaa-gaa over you...and," she trailed off dreamily, took a few deep breaths and continued, but this time in a more dulcet tone. "And I can see why. You know, I've never really noticed before, but you're kinda cute, in a bookish, carnivore sort of way." She breathed deeply again, and Calamity stared at her. Geez, she was gorgeous. After all she was the most popular girl in school. His heart thumped wildly. She continued, taking a step closer, "Buster's nice, but he tries to be too macho. You, now you, there's something about you that just makes me want to kiss you." She embraced him, and Calamity gave in, melting into a warm pool of grey liquid. Suddenly, he noticed Buster running down the street, looking peeved. Plucky and Hamton followed close behind. Quickly, Calamity congealed himself and dashed off, leaving a dazed Babs behind. * * * "Babs!" Buster shrieked, "What in the name of all that is good and pure about Warner Brothers were you doing with Calamity?" "I, I don't know. I think I kissed him." She sounded confused. Buster's jaw dropped to the ground. "Wha...wha..." "I don't know. Every time he walks near, I'm just...attracted to him." "That's what Shirley said! How's that possible! She's not even the same species! He's a carnivore!" Plucky was obviously fuming that Shirley could possibly like someone else. "Hey, I resent that," said Hamton, "What about me and Fifi?" "You two are just weird," decided Plucky. "I can't help it Buster," Babs said, "He passes by, and I just can't control myself." "I thought your middle name was self control." Babs glared evilly at the green duck. "Never mind," he said. Buster, as usual, took charge. "Well he wasn't this way the day before, so something's changed. Let's just go to his house and ask him. Babs, you stay here." "But what if it happens to us? I mean what happened to Babs." Hamton worried. "Only you would be affected, Hamton," Plucky replied. "Hey!" started Hamton as they walked off. * * * "Hello," Buster said meekly, as they opened the door to Calamity's house. "Geez, this gives me the creeps. All this ACME stuff in one place. I don't feel safe." "Don't worry Plucky," answered Hamton, "It can't be too unsafe. They wouldn't sell it otherwise." "Oh yeah?" said Plucky, snatching a piece of paper off a desk. "Take a look at this warranty: Good for life or fifteen minutes, whichever comes first." "Yipes." Buster opened the door to Calamity's room, which had a skull and crossbones painted on it. "Okay guys, we're here. Watch your step." They began to search for signs that might indicate what Calamity had done. "What do you got there Plucky?" "Nothing, Buster, just Scientific Quarterly." He opened the magazine. "Swimsuit edition! Hey Hammy, come check out the beakers on this one. Man, she could light my Bunsen burner any day!" "Hey, Hugh Hefner! Put that magazine down and come over here and search!" Buster yelled. "Hey, I found something!" Hamton grabbed a bottle off Calamity's nightstand, and showed it to Buster and Plucky. "What's a 'pheromone'?" Buster asked, reading off the label. "A pheromone is a chemical emitted by certain animals in order to attract a mate" Both Buster and Plucky stared at Hamton. "Thank you, Noah Webster," Plucky finally said. Buster started, "So if Calamity has this stuff on him..." "Then all we need to do is wash it off!" finished Plucky. Buster motioned for his two friends to come into a huddle. Grinning devilishly, he said, "Then I think Calamity needs a bath, Buster style!" * * * Calamity walked along the sidewalk, an entourage of twenty or thirty groupies following behind. He was getting used to the constant adoration and advances. Every once in a while, one of the girls would try to steal a kiss. Yes, he could really, really learn to love this. He smiled contentedly. Rounding a hill, he came upon Buster, Plucky, and Hamton. He wasn't worried; if their girls wanted him, what could they do about it? But why were they wearing raincoats and carrying a very large fire hose. "Sorry Calamity, its for your own good," said Buster, turning on the water. A stream of high pressure liquid slammed into Calamity throwing him back fifty feet. He dropped to the ground, and, in military fashion, Buster, Plucky, and Hamton lifted him bodily off the ground and over their heads. "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup..." they chanted, then tossed him into the automatic carwash. Three minutes later, he popped out onto the street, thoroughly soaked and dejected. The other kids crowded around him. "Why did vous do zat?" asked Fifi. Hamton explained to the group about the pheromones. "He needed a bath," started Plucky. "Yeah, but isn't that like, overkill?" said Shirley. "Ah, he had it coming," Plucky told here as the group dispersed. Calamity rolled over onto his back and stared at the sky. So much for that moment of happiness. He sighed. Suddenly a gorgeous face came into his view. She stretched out a brown furred hand. Calamity grasped it, she pulled him up, smiled a beautiful smile, and walked away. Calamity stared, dumbfounded. He hadn't known there was another coyote in town. Suddenly, he realized that there was something in his hand that she had grasped. He opened his hand and found a small scrap of paper. It read: I still think you're cute. Call me. 555-5683. Calamity smiled to himself, and began walking home. The End I hoped you liked my little piece. Any comments? E-mail to elpescado@hotmail.com In case anyone cares, the phone number at the end spells out 555-LOVE. If you want, you can use the brown coyote female in a story. I haven't named her yet, so e-mail me if you want to use her as a character. Maybe I'll have a name by then. If this story inspires you so, draw illustrations for it. God knows I can't. Send them to me at elpescado@hotmail.com and I'll send a couple to the archive page. "Et tu, crouton?"