PINK DWARF Series 1, Episode 1: 'The End' Written by Sylvester Fox Based on the series 'Red Dwarf', created by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor This work (C) 1997 Sylvester Fox --------- [A man in a spacesuit is seen scrubbing the side of a wall. Pull back to reveal that this wall is really the hull of a vast pink and ugly ship. This is the Pink Dwarf, and it flies off as an embellished version of the theme plays on a piano.] [A typical ship's corridor, with grey walls, pipes and machinery, and other items. Two people enter from the far side. The one in front carries a clipboard. This is Arnold Plucker. Behind him another man pushes a cart with various spare parts coming out of it: David Buster. Buster is singing to himself.] BUSTER: It's time for An-i-ma-ni-acs! And we're -- PLUCKER: Buster. BUSTER: -- zany to the max! [stops singing] Yeah, Plucker? PLUCKER: You've never been hit over the head with a large mallet, right? BUSTER: Um, nope. PLUCKER: Well, if you want that statement to remain true, you'll stop humming. BUSTER: [mockingly] Well, yes sir! [They reach a vending machine. Buster starts humming the song again as Plucker checks his clipboard.] PLUCKER: Corridor 6,367,109,353. [looks up] Buster! BUSTER: What? PLUCKER: Will you stop that?!? BUSTER: Stop what? PLUCKER: Stop that stupid humming! BUSTER: Relax, will ya? PLUCKER: Just stop it! BUSTER: OK, OK. [Buster takes out a jumbo stereo system from his pocket. As Plucker leans down to inspect the machine, Buster turns it on. The 'Animaniacs' theme at ear-splitting levels blasts Plucker through the glass front, leaving him stuck in the 'B4' tray with the cream-covered chocolate. Plucker pulls himself out and looms over Buster, who smiles sheepishly and switches off the stereo.] PLUCKER: One more sound out of you, mister, and you're going on REPORT! [throws clipboard at Buster] All right, what job number is this? [Buster mimes speaking. Plucker fumes, turning quite red, then reaches into his uniform and pulls out a very thick book.] PLUCKER: That's it! [Plucker opens the book and turns the pages. They are covered with furious notes, most starting with 'Buster, David' and followed by over- embellished text. Plucker speaks as he writes.] PLUCKER: 'Buster, David, Last Technician. Offence: obstructing a superior by singing, humming, and being quiet.' [slams book closed, chuckles] Just wait until the Captain sees this, Buster! BUSTER: Yeah, right. PLUCKER: Listen, mister, this is vital ship's business we're doing! Now gimme that! [Plucker takes the clipboard and reads from it.] PLUCKER: 'Vending machine 54,502: Eats quarters.' BUSTER: [aside to camera] Don't worry, it'll get busier soon. I hope. PLUCKER: Shut up and pass me a wrench! [Buster hands Plucker a wrench.] BUSTER: Look, Plucker, it's just a vending machine. It's not like the engine core or whatever. PLUCKER: Well, it's important to me! It's *my* tush on the line if an officer tries to buy a packet of chips and loses his quarters! [Plucker stops trying to turn the wrench and whacks the coin slot with it. The snack pie he selected starts to move toward the drop, but is stuck. Plucker snarls and starts bludgeoning the machine with the wrench. After the dust settles, the machine is little more than a pile of scrap. Plucker places an 'Out of Order' sign on the pile and drops the wrench back in the bin.] PLUCKER: OK, that's done. BUSTER: Plucker, the only reason the service robots don't go around fixing these things is that they outrank us! PLUCKER: [winces] They said this was important! BUSTER: Face it, we're below the scrubbing robots on this ship. Even the one that's broken. PLUCKER: We-he-he-ell, not for long! I'm goin' up, up, up in this world! BUSTER: *If* you can ever pass your officers' exam. PLUCKER: [holding fingers up, close] I was *this* close to passing last time! [Buster takes Plucker's other hand and holds it up as far away as possible.] BUSTER: More like this close. PLUCKER: Hey, is it *my* fault they couldn't handle the immense implications of my theses and theorems and the formulae I used to prove them? [Plucker marches on down the corridor.] BUSTER: You were up studying so long you went nuts and wrote 'I am a curry sandwich' five hundred times. It wouldn't've been so bad if you didn't write fifty of them on the test monitor! [Various 'toons are gathered around a table that is out of view, looking down solemnly. The Captain, Bugs Bunny, starts speaking.] BUGS: We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Elmer Fudd, an honest, hard-working man. He was a good friend, and a good enemy. He will be missed. [As the other 'toons start sniffing, Bugs leans down. He takes something from the table: a dented coffee can, with 'Elmer Fudd' crudely drawn on it. Bugs walks sombrely to the left wall, where he opens a door, places the can reverently inside it, then closes. He then stiffens into attention, saluting.] BUGS: So long, Elmer. [Taps is played as Bugs reaches up to a button. Next to it is a sign reading 'Emergency Lavatory Flush'. He pushes it.] [Buster leans forward on the upper bunk, looking out the window as the tin can sails past.] BUSTER: There goes Elmer. [The window then changes, showing Bugs and the bridge crew. Bugs starts speaking.] PLUCKER: [from below Buster] Off! [The screen winks out.] BUSTER: Hey, I was watching that! PLUCKER: I'm trying to study for my exams tomorrow! [Buster leans over the side of the bunk, looking down on Plucker.] BUSTER: And 'study' means 'write the answers on your arm'? PLUCKER: It does not! [Pull back to show Plucky. His feathers are covered with notes. As he speaks, he copies a few lines onto his left leg.] PLUCKER: It means 'write the book out on my whole body'. [Buster leans back and starts playing with a paddle-ball.] BUSTER: Listen, if ya can't pass the test fair, don't bother cheating! PLUCKER: This isn't cheating! BUSTER: What is it, then? PLUCKER: Mnemonic aids. BUSTER: See? If you can't do it right, just don't do it at all. PLUCKER: Ah ah ah, that's where I'm better than you. *I* have ambition. BUSTER: Hey, I got plans too! PLUCKER: Oh, really. BUSTER: Yeah, I got a plan. I'm gonna save up all my money, and buy myself a farm. PLUCKER: A farm. BUSTER: Yeah, in Cuba. Land in Havana's cheap! PLUCKER: Of course it is, it's been bombed flat by the Marines in Operation Bomb Havana Flat. BUSTER: See? I won't even have to plow anything, it's all done for me. PLUCKER: Oh, sure! [falsetto] 'Farmer Buster! Could you give me a bushel of carrots with that C-4 residue?' [Before Buster can reply, a buzzer sounds. A stately condor appears in the 'window', the ship's computer, Concorde. He speaks in a calm, polite voice.] CONCORDE: The welcome-back party for Elmer Fudd will take place on the bridge in twenty minutes. [Buster hops down from his bunk and walks to the door.] BUSTER: I'd ask if you were coming, Plucker, but I see you're busy 'studying'. [Buster barely suppresses his laughter as he walks out, followed by Plucker's icy glare.] [Buster sits down with a group of younger 'toons as Bugs stands up and starts speaking.] BUGS: Folks, today is a day of great sadness and great joy. Sadness, due to the untimely passing of Elmer Fudd. And joy, because of the return of Elmer Fudd. [Bugs steps aside. Elmer Fudd appears behind him and waves. A large metallic 'H' is on his forehead.] ELMER: Hewwo! Hahahahahaha ... BUGS: Yes, he's back as a hologram. Neat, huh. [Assorted cheers ring out as Elmer bows.] BUGS: He's the same old Elmer we've known all along, just only made outta light, so just treat him like you would anyone else, except anvils'll pass through him. Oh, one more thing. Concorde's told me there's somethin' on board that ain't supposed ta be here. Any 'a ya know what it is, lemme know. That's all, folks. [Bugs walks away. Buster looks nervous for a moment, then shakes his head and smiles as the party resumes.] [An alarm clock rings. Buster reaches out with a large mallet and mashes it into oblivion. Plucker snaps out of his bunk and struts to the door.] PLUCKER: Don't mind me if I don't come back after being assigned to officers' quarters. BUSTER: Just remember, don't write on the test monitor and you'll be OK. PLUCKER: Just dry up, Buster. BUSTER: Hey, man, good luck, honestly. PLUCKER: Don't worry, man. I've got it in the bag. [Plucker walks out and closes the door. Buster waits for a while, then hops down and locks it. He then rushes to a grate and opens it, taking out what looks like Penelope Pussycat. Penelope has her stripe down her back as usual.] BUSTER: There, don't worry, Penelope, just drink up. [Buster hands Penelope a glass of milk. She takes it in her hand and gulps it straight down.] BUSTER: You're gettin' heavy here ... [Buster sets her down and shows her a photograph.] BUSTER: Well, soon we'll be in Havana livin' it up as carrot farmers. You like Havana, don't you? [POV Penelope as she sees the wasteland of future Havana in front of her. Normal shot as she raises her tail at it. Buster shrugs.] BUSTER: She's been dating skunks too long. [Plucker joins several others sitting at their desks. Granny, the test monitor, walks around the room. Plucker hides his arms as Granny puts a test sheet face-down in front of him, and she does not notice the scrawls all over him. She then returns to her chair at the front of the room.] GRANNY: OK, class, you have three hours to finish. Good luck! [Plucker turns over his test sheet. Gobbledy-gook that could boggle Einstein covers the sheet. Plucker looks around the room as the others start answering their questions. Plucker smiles as he sees that no-one is watching him, and looks at his arm.] PLUCKER'S THOUGHTS: Oh boy, oh boy! I did it! I'm an officer! I'm an -- a ... a ... [Plucker's smug smile disintegrates as he sees that there are no notes on his arms. He begins to sweat a bit and checks out the rest of his body. He starts to panic as he realizes there are no markings on him at all. He looks at his pen, and his eyes bulge out. POV Plucker as he reads it: 'This pen uses water-based inks'.] PLUCKER'S THOUGHTS: 'Like water off a duck's hide ... ' [Plucker starts laughing madly, his face contorted.] [Daffy Duck, the first officer, sits by Bugs's desk as he works. Someone knocks on the door. Bugs looks up from his work and nods.] BUGS: C'mon in. [Buster enters and sits in front of the desk.] BUGS: OK, Buster. Where's the cat? BUSTER: What cat? BUGS: Don't dissapoint me. We know ya got a cat on the ship somewhere. BUSTER: OK, so I fed Furrball once or twice. That doesn't mean -- BUGS: Daffy? [Daffy flicks on the wall screen. A video starts, showing Buster laughing as Penelope slashes up uniforms bearing the name 'A. Plucker'.] BUSTER: Oh, *that* cat. BUGS: Now tell us where it is. BUSTER: And what'll you do to it? BUGS: We'll send it to the medical centre to check it for contamination. DAFFY: It'll be analyzed. BUGS: Examined. DAFFY: Diced. BUSTER: [angrily] You can't do that! BUGS: Listen, either hand it over or spend the next eighteen months in suspended animation. [Buster just sits and stares at Bugs.] [Daffy is leading Buster down the corridor. They stop outside one of the booths. Before Daffy can open it, two medics wheel a gurney past them, upon it the prone form of Plucker, still giggling madly.] BUSTER: Hey, Plucker, you OK there? PLUCKER: [medicated] I'm sure I did quite well. MEDIC 1: This time he wrote 'I am a plate of fish and chips' only four hundred times, and only twenty lines on the test monitor. BUSTER: Hey, improvement. [The medics wheel Plucker away. Buster turns to Daffy and the now open booth.] BUSTER: What is this 'suspended animation' stuff, anyway? DAFFY: Simple. When we turn this thing on, your animation stops. You'll be frozen as is for eighteen months. BUSTER: Like that, huh? DAFFY: Hop in. [Buster does. Daffy closes the door.] DAFFY: See ya later. [Daffy hits a button. Buster stops moving completely, as if the same cel were left on the background. Daffy walks away.] [Music similar to that of 'Final Jeopardy' plays to signal the passage of time.] [Buster remains as he was left. He then starts moving as the booth is switched off by Concorde. The door opens.] BUSTER: That was quick. [Buster walks out of the booth. The corridor is littered with dust.] BUSTER: Eighteen months and look what happens. [He passes a computer screen. Concorde's head appears again, looking more like the one we know.] CONCORDE: Report to the bridge, please. BUSTER: Say, you look different, Concorde. New hair-do? [Buster enters the bridge. Piles of dust abound here. Buster knocks a pile from a chair and plops down.] BUSTER: So, what's up? [Concorde's head appears on the monitor.] CONCORDE: Everyone's dead. BUSTER: Huh? CONCORDE: Everyone's dead. BUSTER: Ah, you're just joking with me, right? CONCORDE: That was Daffy you spilled all over the floor. BUSTER: It was? Whoa. [points to another pile] Who's that? CONCORDE: That was Bugs. BUSTER: [points to another] And that's Sam, right? CONCORDE: Nope nope nope, that's Arnold Plucker. BUSTER: Whoa. What was he doin' on the bridge? CONCORDE: He was telling the captain why he didn't fix the vending machine on level 54,205,331. BUSTER: Why was he reporting to the captain? CONCORDE: He didn't fix it right, and it exploded, killing everyone instantly. BUSTER: Good thing he's dead, or he'd say 'I told you so'. PLUCKER'S VOICE: I told you so. [Buster's jaw drops in shock as Plucker walks in. Like Elmer was before, he bears an 'H' on his forehead, contrasting with the green feathers.] BUSTER: Oh, hi. [to Concorde] Then why's everyone dust? CONCORDE: I had to keep you there until I cleaned up the mess, didn't I? You know how long it took those robots to clear the mess up? BUSTER: How long? CONCORDE: Three million years. [Buster's jaw drops into a white pile.] PLUCKER: Hey, watch it! That used to be me! BUSTER: Three million years?!? CONCORDE: Yup yup. Three million. [Buster gasps a few times, then settles on a less severe matter.] BUSTER: Plucker ... you're ... PLUCKER: Yeah, dead. Dead as a lawyer. No thanks to you. BUSTER: Me?!? PLUCKER: Yeah, you. If you weren't in suspended animation, you could'a fixed that vending machine instead of me. Then it wouldn't've exploded, and I'd still be alive. I kept telling you how important it was working on those things, but *you* never believed me. Hmph. BUSTER: [changing subject] What's it like, being dead? PLUCKER: It's something ya gotta get used to. BUSTER: I meant being a hologram. [Buster reaches out and scoops his hand through what would be Plucker's midsection. Plucker shrugs.] PLUCKER: Just like being alive, except you can't touch anything. [Buster points down.] BUSTER: Then how come you can still stand on the deck? PLUCKER: Hey, can't I have some plot hole for convenience? Can I expect at least that mercy from my murderer? [Buster gets up and glares at Plucker.] BUSTER: It was *your* fault, remember? [Plucker just looks down at Buster's feet, then points.] PLUCKER: Do the dead a favour, would ya? [Buster looks down and notices he is standing in the white pile of Plucker's remains.] BUSTER: Oops. [Buster lifts his foot. Small pieces of dust fall from it. Plucker sniffs melodramatically.] BUSTER: There there, look on the bright side. PLUCKER: *What* bright side? I'm dead, I'm only a figment of light, and I'm stuck three million years in the future with a rabbit who not only mocks my life, he stamps all over my remains. BUSTER: Hey, you might be dead, but you're not dead dead ... I mean, you're here talking to me, right? You can't be dead dead, then. PLUCKER: Buster, this isn't 'me'. Vacuum your foot -- that's 'me'. I'm just a computer simulation. BUSTER: For a computer simulation, you sure whine a lot. PLUCKER: That's 'cause I'm ... [sniffs] WLAAAH! [Skippy Squirrel pokes in.] SKIPPY: That's my line, duck. [Skippy leaves.] BUSTER: Um, there is one good thing about being just a hologram ... PLUCKER: What? [Buster points up. A shadow falls on Plucker, and he looks at the camera as if he knows the anvil in his fate. Said anvil falls through Plucker, clanging on the deck.] BUSTER: Anvils can't hurt ya. [Plucker blinks, looks around himself, then steps out of the anvil smiling.] PLUCKER: Ya know, I might like this. [Buster takes a carrot out of his pocket and starts crunching it loudly. Plucker turns to him and frowns.] PLUCKER: Hey! You're not allowed to eat on the bridge! You're going on report! BUSTER: Plucker, I know you're the only other real person on this ship with me, and it's bad to speak ill of the dead, but ... PLUCKER: Yeah? BUSTER: You were always, are now, and always will be a smeg-head. PLUCKER: A 'smeg-head'? A 'smeg-head'?!? [ruffles feathers] Well, my little ... [calms down] Um, what is a 'smeg-head'? [Buster gets up to leave, but turns back to Plucker.] BUSTER: Just look in a mirror. [Buster rushes out, leaving Plucker fuming.] PLUCKER: [yelling back] Pay some respect to the dead! [Plucker is following Buster.] PLUCKER: Get back here! BUSTER: Smeg off. Gee, I like saying that word. PLUCKER: Hey, stop! I wanna have a talk with -- [Buster sniffs the air and holds up his hand.] BUSTER: You smell something, Plucker? PLUCKER: I'm a hologram, I can't smell. [From a side corridor a skunk jumps into view, humanoid like the others and looking a lot like Pepe Le Pew.] SKUNK: Bonjour, mes amis! [Both Plucker and Buster flee.] SKUNK: Ho ho, zese peoples, always running around. [Buster and Plucker dash in. The door closes and Buster starts piling chairs and tables in front of it. He then slumps next to Plucker, both gasping for breath.] BUSTER: Concorde! You said everyone was dead! CONCORDE: I did? BUSTER and PLUCKER: Yeah! CONCORDE: Oh. Um ... oh yeah. That is a skunk. Remember the cat you brought on board? BUSTER: Yeah? CONCORDE: Well, she had babies. And her babies grew up and evolved. PLUCKER: Then why is a skunk walking the halls? CONCORDE: Guess that explains why all her kids stunk. BUSTER: So Penelope had skunks as kids? CONCORDE: Yup yup yup. PLUCKER: Not fair! How did your cat survive? CONCORDE: I sealed her in the cargo hold, I did I did I did! PLUCKER: There's no justice. [Just then the skunk enters the mess hall from the back door and taps Buster's shoulder.] SKUNK: Pardon, monsieur. May I ask what it is you are hiding from? BUSTER: This skunk that evolved from my cat's kittens. SKUNK: Ah, and what does thees skunk look like? BUSTER: Aw, you know, black fur, white stripes, that sort of ... [Close-up on Buster's face as he realizes that neither Plucker nor Concorde is talking to him. He turns and looks right into the skunk's face.] SKUNK: Allo. [Plucker spins to face the skunk.] PLUCKER: Stand back, Buster! *I*'ll take care of this! [Plucker launches himself at the skunk, imitating kung-fu sounds and swinging his limbs wildly. He passes through the skunk and lands on the other side of the room.] SKUNK: Pardonnez-moi, monsieur, but I am more used to les females throwing zemselves at moi. BUSTER: Um, hello, Mr Skunk ... SKUNK: No need for formalities, non? BUSTER: Guess not. Follow me, then. PLUCKER: Good idea, lead him into the garbage chute. BUSTER: Plucker! I'm taking him to the room. [Buster and the Skunk walk out. Plucker follows, muttering.] BUSTER: So ... want some milk? SKUNK: Mais oui. [Buster pours some into a saucer and sets it down on the floor. The skunk looks down, then to Buster.] SKUNK: Sir! Vous expect moi to eat from le floor? BUSTER: Whoops, sorry! Just used to having a cat. [Buster puts the saucer on the table.] SKUNK: Merci. [He starts lapping up the milk. Buster looks confused, then sits next to the skunk.] BUSTER: So ... what happened to all the other skunks? SKUNK: [pausing] Fabulous year, non? BUSTER: But where are all the other skunks? PLUCKER: Who cares? Let's send this one after them. BUSTER: Shut up, Plucker. I'm taking him home. PLUCKER: 'Home'? BUSTER: Yeah. We're going back to Earth. PLUCKER: Earth? Hello! On the off-chance Earth hasn't been blown to bits, you think you'd fit in with them? You saw how far your cat evolved. What'cha think people evolved to? You'd be nothing but amoeba to them! There's nothing for you there. BUSTER: There's still my plan. PLUCKER: Oh no. BUSTER: Oh yes. I have a ca-- er, a skunk. So it's not Penelope ... SKUNK: Pardon, monsieur lapine, but did you say 'Penelope'? BUSTER: Yeah. She was your great great great great great great great great great grandmother or something. SKUNK: So you speak of the mothair of my people! Ze holy legeond! Ze holy mothair, sav-ed by Blistair ze Blue who gave his life so she could live. BUSTER: That was me! 'Buster', not 'Blister'! SKUNK: Ze tales said zat Blistair would return to lead ze skunk people to Savanah, ze promised land! BUSTER: Not 'Savanah'! I hate prime-time soaps! It's 'Havana'! And I'm gonna take you back! Concorde! CONCORDE: Huh? BUSTER: Set course for Havana. We're going home! [As the end theme plays, before the credits, the words 'The Beginning' flash over the background.]