Cultural Catastrophe
			By:  Babs Bunny (Juli Magera)
			(hayfever@cultureclubfan.zzn.com)

	A single spotlight appears onstage as Culture Club starts the
concert with their top ten hit, "Church of the Poison Mind".  Soon after
the song begins, Boy George, Culture Club's androgynous lead singer
prances onstage, belting out the lyrics of the song.  
"Desolate lovin' in your eyes you used to make my life so sweet!  
Stepped out like a god found child, I saw your eyes across the
street...!"  
The music quickly fades out as a large paintbrush descends from above
and sloshes all over the background, leaving George along in blackness,
the spotlight still on him.   George doesn't notice this quite yet though.
"Who would be the fool to maybe---!"  Suddenly George stops in mid-
song and looks around, his face a mixture of annoyance and confusion. 
"Hey, where'd everyone go?  Where's the stage?!  Where's the band? 
Where's the rest of Culture Club?!?!?"  A note flutters down and lands
on George's head.  He takes it off and reads it:  "Out to lunch."  Angry
now,  George looks up from whence the note came.  "Is this some kind
of JOKE?!  I want my bandmates and I want them NOW!"  The
paintbrush comes down again and draws in Culture Club..though it's
now Hamton playing drums,  Plucky Duck on bass, and Buster Bunny
with lead guitar.  They immediately break into "Church of the Poison
Mind", but George puts a halt to that mighty fast.  "No, wait!  STOP!!" 
He points accusingly to the three.   "You're not Culture Club!!"
	"No, we're Creature Club!  Isn't that what you requested?" 
Buster asks somewhat innocently.  George loses his temper and jumps
up and down.
	"NO!!!!!!!  I wanted CULTURE Club!  CULTURE not
CREATURE!!!!!!  Now, get out!!  All of you!!  OUTOUTOUT!!" 
Grumbling, the three Tiny Toons abandon their instruments and stalk
out of the frame.   George furiously mutters to himself as they leave. 
"A pig on drums, a duck playing bass, and a rabbit as lead guitarist! 
How weird can you GET?"
	"Look who's talking," whispers Plucky to Hamton, jerking a
thumb in George's direction before exiting the scene.  George casts a
dirty look in their direction and then hollers upward again.  
	I said CULTURE CLUB, you slag!!"  George waits irately,
arms crossed, and tapping his foot as the paintbrush descends----and
quickly draws in three badly drawn stick figures who play off-key. 
"No, no, NO!  I want Culture Club to look like ME!"  The paintbrush
swishes over George, rendering him as badly drawn as his bandmates. 
He does not take this well, needless to say.  Looking down at himself,
George yelps in horror before glaring upwards again.  "Surely you can
draw me better than THAT!"  he states, witheringly.  "The brush
sweeps over George again, drawing him a little better-though now he
looks exactly like Babs Bunny.  George examines himself critically. 
"Not bad--I like the bows..but I'm supposed to be a BOY, remember?" 
In response, the brush turns him into a spitting image of Buster. 
"Perhaps I should clarify that," George grumbles.  "I'm supposed to be
a boy HUMAN!  I'm not a rabbit!!"  
This time the paintbrush gets it right, painting Boy George back to
normal, and including his bandmates in the process.  George looks
around at Jon Moss, Mikey Craig, and Roy Hay, pleased with what he
sees.  He nods, contented yet relieved.  "That's more like it!"  Signaling
to the trio, Culture Club breaks into another top hit, "Karma
Chameleon", but when George starts to sing the opening lines:
"Desert lovin' in your eyes all the way, 
If I listened to your lies, would you say.."
he finds with a sense of horror that his voice sounds just like Buster
Bunny!  He screams, "This isn't my voice!!!!  Change it back!!"
Now his voice sounds just like Sneezers.  Then in a voice
unrecognizable from Fifi la Fume's, George demands, "Zeez eez not
funny!!"  George looks dismayed, and when he opens his mouth to
speak, no sound comes out at all!  Frustrated, he holds up a sign which
reads, "Where's my VOICE?!?!?!!?"....and is relieved to find that when
he tries again to speak, his normal voice is restored. Irritated, he calls
up, "That's better!  Now who's the wiseguy bloke behind this mess?!''
	The drawing board is revealed, showing Babs Bunny sitting
primly at the desk, paintbrush in hand.  She gives a coy grin.  
"I JUST can't help myself!" she giggles.

				The End
 
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