Cultural Catastrophe By: Babs Bunny (Juli Magera) (hayfever@cultureclubfan.zzn.com) A single spotlight appears onstage as Culture Club starts the concert with their top ten hit, "Church of the Poison Mind". Soon after the song begins, Boy George, Culture Club's androgynous lead singer prances onstage, belting out the lyrics of the song. "Desolate lovin' in your eyes you used to make my life so sweet! Stepped out like a god found child, I saw your eyes across the street...!" The music quickly fades out as a large paintbrush descends from above and sloshes all over the background, leaving George along in blackness, the spotlight still on him. George doesn't notice this quite yet though. "Who would be the fool to maybe---!" Suddenly George stops in mid- song and looks around, his face a mixture of annoyance and confusion. "Hey, where'd everyone go? Where's the stage?! Where's the band? Where's the rest of Culture Club?!?!?" A note flutters down and lands on George's head. He takes it off and reads it: "Out to lunch." Angry now, George looks up from whence the note came. "Is this some kind of JOKE?! I want my bandmates and I want them NOW!" The paintbrush comes down again and draws in Culture Club..though it's now Hamton playing drums, Plucky Duck on bass, and Buster Bunny with lead guitar. They immediately break into "Church of the Poison Mind", but George puts a halt to that mighty fast. "No, wait! STOP!!" He points accusingly to the three. "You're not Culture Club!!" "No, we're Creature Club! Isn't that what you requested?" Buster asks somewhat innocently. George loses his temper and jumps up and down. "NO!!!!!!! I wanted CULTURE Club! CULTURE not CREATURE!!!!!! Now, get out!! All of you!! OUTOUTOUT!!" Grumbling, the three Tiny Toons abandon their instruments and stalk out of the frame. George furiously mutters to himself as they leave. "A pig on drums, a duck playing bass, and a rabbit as lead guitarist! How weird can you GET?" "Look who's talking," whispers Plucky to Hamton, jerking a thumb in George's direction before exiting the scene. George casts a dirty look in their direction and then hollers upward again. I said CULTURE CLUB, you slag!!" George waits irately, arms crossed, and tapping his foot as the paintbrush descends----and quickly draws in three badly drawn stick figures who play off-key. "No, no, NO! I want Culture Club to look like ME!" The paintbrush swishes over George, rendering him as badly drawn as his bandmates. He does not take this well, needless to say. Looking down at himself, George yelps in horror before glaring upwards again. "Surely you can draw me better than THAT!" he states, witheringly. "The brush sweeps over George again, drawing him a little better-though now he looks exactly like Babs Bunny. George examines himself critically. "Not bad--I like the bows..but I'm supposed to be a BOY, remember?" In response, the brush turns him into a spitting image of Buster. "Perhaps I should clarify that," George grumbles. "I'm supposed to be a boy HUMAN! I'm not a rabbit!!" This time the paintbrush gets it right, painting Boy George back to normal, and including his bandmates in the process. George looks around at Jon Moss, Mikey Craig, and Roy Hay, pleased with what he sees. He nods, contented yet relieved. "That's more like it!" Signaling to the trio, Culture Club breaks into another top hit, "Karma Chameleon", but when George starts to sing the opening lines: "Desert lovin' in your eyes all the way, If I listened to your lies, would you say.." he finds with a sense of horror that his voice sounds just like Buster Bunny! He screams, "This isn't my voice!!!! Change it back!!" Now his voice sounds just like Sneezers. Then in a voice unrecognizable from Fifi la Fume's, George demands, "Zeez eez not funny!!" George looks dismayed, and when he opens his mouth to speak, no sound comes out at all! Frustrated, he holds up a sign which reads, "Where's my VOICE?!?!?!!?"....and is relieved to find that when he tries again to speak, his normal voice is restored. Irritated, he calls up, "That's better! Now who's the wiseguy bloke behind this mess?!'' The drawing board is revealed, showing Babs Bunny sitting primly at the desk, paintbrush in hand. She gives a coy grin. "I JUST can't help myself!" she giggles. The End   {     ; a c   2 j    D    f   =    D     T     [    B  I  a . t t F k 7    , Z    a   3    D n n p ~     %   t n  & ' ( ) Times New Roman p 6 7 V^ 8"  C o m p O b j    U